I have never been a Madonna fan. Never. But I’m beginning to have the feels for her now she’s entered her, what Michael calls, drunken lounge act era. How can I not? She’s basically laying across a piano, cracking jokes about her ex-husband with a comedy drum snare after every thing she says. She’s been in Australia this past week and something about being down under is making her brain work backwards the way toilets flush backwards in that part of the world. Three days ago she brought us the unholy mess that is the Tears of a Clown concert and a day after she went back to her regularly scheduled Rebel Heart show. But, of course, she had to open up and get REAL again.

Be warned, this video is long, but if you like Kiki and Herb, this will be right up your alley. Or possibly still too real and cringe inducing. (via People)

Around the 3:10 mark she says “someone please fuck me.” That left me quite speechless, to be totally honest. She’s taken it there and for that I commend her. She has literally dressed up as a clown in one show AND asked someone to fuck her in another.  She added, “I’m just kidding. I don’t have to ask for that,” and jokes about one of her crew shooting her dirty looks and saying “don’t reveal your private life to everybody.” It’s a little late for that. Just a little. Just a smidge. And join the club, that judge that told Madonna to shut it is waiting for any dirt you have.

The same crew guy also wasn’t a fan of her Clown’s Ass show in Melbourne and let her know afterward via text. She defends herself by saying she only had two days to prepare it. The number of “fucks” she drops during this hazy, booze soaked gibberish set also earns her points in the “I’m Still Young and Cool, MAN” competition. I hope Madonna stays like this forever because I finally find her entertaining. Mess on, Rocco’s Mom!

Save your breath, saying ‘Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice‘ is not going to make Beetlejuice 2 appear. While its been reported that the movie is  definitely happening for some time now – even Winona Ryder said it was happening when she was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last year – it turns out that that “definitely” is actually a “no good, low down, heart breaking rumor“.

Entertainment Weekly is saying that on Friday, there were reports that the movie was finally going forward, a script had been completed and that Winona and Michael Keaton were basically in their makeup chairs getting ready to look like the hottest versions of themselves. Sadly, a rep for Rim Burton (typo and it stays) reached out to EW and said that “the information was based on fabricated comments from the director and confirmed to EW that Beetlejuice 2 is not in development at this time.” The rep went on to say that Tim is currently busy working on finishing his next disastrous looking billion dollar cash cow, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. There’s no trailer out for it yet, but EW has got some sneak peek pictures. This mess looks like some spooky bedtime Effie Trinket mash up aka Not For Me. Tim will also be busy after wrapping Children because he’s got yet another sure to be money making bonanza lined up with Disney, a live action version of Dumbo. Jesus fucking Christ, that is going to be depressing.

What bothers me the most about this sequel either not happening or being pushed back endlessly is that we’re being deprived of the true star of the movie – Juno! If it’s an issue getting the whole cast back together, why don’t they just do a movie about Juno switching careers and being a paranormal detective. The actress that played Juno, Sylvia Sidney, passed away in 1999, so getting her will be some real method acting. Delia Deetz aka Catherine O’Hara can play her bumbling assistant. Take note, Hollywood! This is a brilliant idea!

Pics: Warner Bros.

The stunning watch ring (also known as the finger ring) from the 90s! 

In honor of that greedy piece of trash whore known as Daylight Saving Time stealing an hour of sleep from many of us and screwing with our time, today’s HSOTD is the exquisite piece of 90s jewelry that kept time on everyone’s finger. The 80s and 90s seemed to be an important era for watches. It was the golden age of Swatch (since nearly everyone had at least one) and there was a clock on absolutely everything, even backpacks. (I will never forget my gorgeous clock backpack and I hope it’s not in a dark place, like on the back of some annoying hipster who is only wearing 90s shit to be ironic and doesn’t genuinely appreciate it for the work of beautiful art it will forever be.)

The watch ring tried to happen in the 90s and it never did. It was just too damn big and seemed uncomfortable to wear. I do wish it would’ve happened, though. Because if it did, Apple probably would’ve made an Apple Watch Ring. And it would bring me massive amounts of joy watching Apple nerds pull out an Apple Magnifying Glass to check their email on that tiny ass Apple Watch Ring screen.

Today, the finger ring is probably only useful to hos whose piece love their finger-in-the-booty action on the rougher side. (Coming soon: Yeezy Watch Rings!) It’s like getting fucked by time, which is what’s happening to all of us who are suffering through DST today.

Fuck Daylight Saving Time, but long live the watch ring!

Pic: Dahhah

Charo (75)
Kaya Scodelario (24)
Joshua Allen (27)
Emile Hirsch (31)
Natalie and Nicole Albino (32)
Noel Fisher (32)
Toccara Jones (35)
Molly Stanton (36)
Danny Masterson (40)
David Draiman (43)
Common (44)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (44)
Annabeth Gish (45)
Corey Miller (49)
Adam Clayton (56)
Kathy Hilton (57)
Dana Delany (60)
Glenne Headley (61)
William H.Macy (66)
Neil Sedaka (77)

Pic: Splash

I want to say this surprises me, but it doesn’t. Macklemore really seems like the sort of person who’s number one priority is convincing you just how “weird” and “outlandish” he is. In a profile for Rolling Stone (via Vulture) we get a look into Mack’s studio and the oh so funky stuff he keeps in there, presumably for inspiration. Amongst these things is a painting of Justin Bieber. Naked. With a pancake on his dick. With maple syrup dripping down his body. And it was purchased on Etsy.

On the ground floor is a recording room with a ton of audio gear, a wall of guitars and racks of outlandish garments spouting sequins, fringe and feathers. “Those are Ben [Haggerty, Macklemore’s real name]’s,” Lewis notes. There is a kitschy velvet painting of a bald eagle, an oil painting of Drake dancing and a transfixing rendition of a naked Justin Bieber with maple syrup pouring down his chest onto a pancake balanced on his boner.” Ben spent a lot of time buying weird stuff on Etsy,” Lewis says.

The painting takes the word horrific to a whole new level for me. The giant titties, the attention to detail on the pubes, all of it just makes me feel like I might never smile again. The artist – “artist” – who painted this abomination, Dan Lacey, reached out to Vulture and said that “it represents what he’s coined the ‘Prescient Pancake’ phenomenon. ‘To me, pancakes happen at a spiritual level,’ he explains, ‘sometimes expressing themselves as eroticism.'” I have no idea what any of that gibberish means but what I do know is that my weekend has been ruined because I’ve seen this mess. Goodbye, cruel world!

Check out the NSFW full pic after the jump. I don’t know if NSFW is the correct term – why? seems more appropriate – but I’m looking out for you guys. Don’t want you getting fired because of Bieber.

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Let me take you on a trip. A trip back to a simpler time. It was 1987 and a young man had just started a new job at at Prince & Company, a department store. This young man was an artist and he assembled the perfect mannequin. Through the power of mysticism and love, that mannequin came to life and became his lover and muse. That mannequin was more human than anyone he’d ever met. Which is more than I can say for the topic of this post – possessed monster  mannequin Wendy Williams.

Wendy recently went on Conan and he asked her about her parenting style. She says she’s a pretty chill mom and that her family is very open, especially when it comes to doors. She has a no closed doors policy in her lab, I mean house in which she lives with her human creators, I mean family, human family. Conan nearly punches her – in his eyes, it’s all in his eyes – when he hears that because 15-year-old boys, which Wendy has one of, need closed doors like plants need sunshine and water. She says they’re all “heavy walkers” and constantly clearing their throats so they can all hear when someone is approaching in the house.

But, this being Wendy, she has to overshare and give us the dry heaves. She tells a story about her son walking in on her giving her husband a blowjob. The incident took place two years ago when her son was 13 and she says it was some sort of learning experience for him and now he’ll always know to walk loud or clear his throat before every damn step he takes in that house.

“He wouldn’t kiss me! He wouldn’t kiss me, Conan!” wins my award for quote of the weekend. Why she would tell this story I have no idea. It’s mortifying and gross. Her son is definitely not going to be an easy teenager if she keeps this shit up. Either she’s pulling “cool mom” by not caring he walked in on them or she hasn’t had the program for embarrassment installed yet. Whatever the reason, it takes a certain kind of someone to go on national TV and silly tee-hee about their kid catching them giving head. And now that we know this story, they really should do some additional filming for the movie about her life.

Pic: Wenn