Whose calf do I have to fuck to get a mimosa around here? – tim

Upvote winner:

“Let them eat Beggin’ Strips.”
–The words that sparked the Frenchie Revolution – ThirdLaw

Pic: Izismile

Toby, the “two-nosed” pooch who was saved from doggy death by the owner of the Venice Beach Freakshow.

Metro UK says that this split-nostril’d bag of fluffy adorableness was found on the streets of Fresno, CA by an animal rescue group. I guess those messes at the animal rescue group decided that the best way to “rescue” him would be to send him on a one-way trip to the afterworld, because they apparently planned to off him. I haven’t checked, but I’m pretty sure that animal rescue group may be run by Michael Vick. Thankfully, Todd Ray, who is the Elsa Mars of animals, found out about Toby and was able to save him from being put down. Todd brought Toby back to his home in L.A.

Todd, who FYI holds the Guinness World Record for having the largest collection of two-headed animals, took Toby to his vet. The vet checked Toby out and discovered that the animal rescue group credentials of that animal rescue group should be put down, because he’s totally healthy.  Todd said this about his new “two nosed” dog friend:

“I’m fascinated by weird animals’ beautiful differences and by the magical lessons that they teach us.The uniqueness of their forms show us that normal doesn’t exist. The sad thing is that, at this time, people are at a place where they will let a two-nosed dog get put down before they will adopt him – only because he looks different.”

And here’s a clip of Toby (and yes, every time I see the name Toby I think of Toby’s new trick) from American Awww Story: Freak Show.

Now Todd just needs to find a dog with a cleft butthole and Toby will be in cleft nose dog heaven.

Pic: Caters

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Pic: Pinterest

The dark spirit of Damien trapped in the body of an Ever After High doll hosted and performed on Saturday Night Live last night, and during the show, she busted out an encore performance of the pop star impersonations she did on The Tonight Show last year.

In the skit, Tidal’s servers go down (because those hos can’t pay their server bills) and the intern (played by Ariana Grande Latte) has to jump in and yodel out songs from pop stars. We’ve heard her Brit Brit Spears and Celine Dion voices before, and last night she also brought out her best RiRi, Shakira and Whitney Houston. The demented ponytail pretty much nailed Shakira, but her RiRi sounded more like a drunk baby after root canal surgery (so in other words Ariana sounded more coherent than usual). And may an unpoppable doody bubble haunt her ass forever, because I didn’t hear Nippy at all.

Ariana also better beef up her army, because that skit is probably going to start the great Illuminati vs. Demon Children War of 2016.

Ariana also did her best Jennifer Lawrence last night Because of that wig, Ariana looked more like a young Lawrence brother in lazy Marilyn Monroe drag than Jennifer Lawrence, but that voice is spot-on.

And I’m surprised Ariana didn’t combine her love of donut hate and her Jennifer Lawrence impersonation by pissing and farting on a ring of deep fried sugary deliciousness in front of everyone.

Pics: Splash

Clearly the greatest excuse ever for not getting with someone goes to Romy and Michele for “Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.” But there’s also room to learn and grow. Today we’ll be taking notes from Sally Field in the art of dumping someone. We’ll – or at least just me and Michael – also be sitting in on Huh? 101 because the dumpee in this situation was Johnny Carson and I had no idea they’d dated. Yes, this revelation has sent me reeling, I feel dizzy, what a world, what a world.

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Ah! The joys of being young and dumb. At no other time do we approach just about everything with such reckless abandon…..like Zayn Malik. And his new face tattoo. Face. Tattoo.

Zayn posted the above picture on his Instagram and has sent shockwaves, SHOCKWAVES, through the internet. Countless toddler devotees have reportedly been throwing themselves out windows, slitting their wrists and upending their toy boxes in shock and rage. I can understand their outrage. If my favorite got a crappy drawing of a parrot possibly taking a dump on some flowers (That’s what I see because I love shit and toilet jokes.) with its butt blocked out by a scroll plugging his new album I’d be pretty mad too.

Yes, apparently “M.O.M” stands for “Mind of Mine“, the name of his new album. Zayn captioned the pic with, “Like I Would,” which is the name of his new song. Some people are taking that to mean this is a joke, or rather… a stunt! UsWeekly pointed out some comments and tweets in response to this possible Crayola disaster, such as “Please let that be a drawing! Not a real tattoo!”, “Zayn’s tattoo better be fake or I’m unstanning” and “Why your beautiful face?? @zaynmalik WHYYY???? DONT RUIN IT”.

He has over 40 tattoos, most of them questionable, so this very well could be real. If Harry Styles can get that Silence of the Lambs looking chest tattoo, what’s to stop Zayn from this mess? Whatever the case, my feelings about him, this tattoo and One Direction in general can all be summed up by the best comment on the picture – “EWEWWWWWW!!! OMG WHY!”

Pic: Instagram