Back Down, Beyhive – Amber Rose Wasn’t Coming For Your Queen

/ March 15, 2016

So it turns out we’re not done talking about Kim Kardashian’s week-old twitter fight today. During an interview with The Daily Beast at SXSW yesterday, Little Annie Fanny’s human cousin Amber Rose once again defended the slut honor of her former enemy/current rubber-faced ally Kim Kardashian. Except this time, it got her in a whole mess of trouble with Beyonce’s legion of rabid fans.

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Open Post: Hosted By Zoe Kravitz Serving Up Caught In The Net Messiness

/ March 15, 2016

I almost typed “methiness.” That works too.

I’m also with Theo James (the dude in the poster). When I look at Zoe Kravitz’s hair, I too don’t know if I want to slather it with soy sauce and take a huge bite out of it since it looks like an overstuffed spicy tuna roll. Or slather it with lube, pat my b-hole thrice for good luck and bounce on it.

Last night was the NYC premiere of the second movie in the Divergent series, the franchise that is the Rita Ora to The Hunger Games’ RiRi. Nearly everybody showed up looking a wreck (see the fuckery in gallery). Maggie Q came dressed as a bordello-owning villainess who wears the scalped hair of her victims on her dress. Dylan McDermott wore the half-assed Neo from The Matrix costume that every dude wore in 1999. And Shailene Woodley somehow managed to make one of Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral-going pantsuits look dull and boring. But Zoe Kravitz was the biggest wreck of them all. Leave it to Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s daughter to show those hos how messiness is really done.

If the Gorton’s Fisherman did a line of goth stripper clothes for Frederick’s, that ensemble on Zoe would be the crown jewel of his collection. Zoe is kind of like a walking sex party. You can use her hair as a dildo, her dress as a sex hammock and those fringes as whips. Whenever you make assholes and coochies pucker with your hairstyle, you won the night.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Now In “Do We Need This?” News: Disney Is Making A Fifth Indiana Jones Movie

/ March 15, 2016

I know it’s just a coincidence, but I like to think that the “Errr…really?” faces being made by everyone above is a direct reaction to this news.

Because Mickey Mouse gets a major cartoon boner for making money, The Hollywood Reporter says that Disney has officially made plans for a currently-untitled fifth Indiana Jones film. Steven Spielberg has signed on to direct it and Harrison Ford will be back to play Indiana Jones. No word on who else is involved, but I’m really hoping Kate Capshaw throws a perm into those blunt bangs and returns as that jewelry-covered showgirl Willie Scott.

I spent the majority of 2008 letting The Pussycat Dolls’ Doll Domination assassinate my brain cells, so I had a hard time remembering much about the last Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. If you asked me to describe it, I’d probably mumble something about Shia LaBeouf’s low-budget Brando impersonation and Cate Blanchett looking like a Soviet spy Johnny Ramone. But the Internet tells me it made almost $787 million dollars, so that’s probably as good a reason as any for why you should make another one so long after the franchise started.

THR says that this latest Indy movie is scheduled to be released on July 19, 2019. At least that’s the plan so long as Harrison Ford doesn’t die before then. And no, that’s not a “Harrison Ford is old” joke. That a “Harrison Ford keeps almost-dying” joke. But really, I doubt Disney has to worry; if 73-year-old Harrison Ford is able to survive a hydraulic door coming for his ass, he can survive anything. Speaking of, here’s fearless grandpa Harrison Ford strolling the streets of New York City last week.

Pics: Paramount Pictures, Splash

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Jaden Smith Wants To Create A Magical Utopia Where We Don’t Worry About Paying Bills

/ March 15, 2016

Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.

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Chris Klein Is Going To Be A Daddy

/ March 15, 2016

Chris Klein, star of American Pie, Election, and the greatest audition tape of all time, is going to have a baby. Well, technically his wife Laina is, but Chris Klein helped. People says that Chris celebrated his birthday yesterday by announcing on Twitter that he had knocked up his wife of 7 months.

The last time I saw the name “Chris Klein“, it was walking hand-in-hand with a story about another DUI. But Chris Klein has been sober since 2010. So even though Laina and Chris are sort of giving me less messy Michael Lohan and Kate Major in the picture above, we don’t have to be nearly as worried about them having a kid.

Laina is 23 weeks pregnant so far, which means two things. One, Chris only has 17 weeks to convince his wife that they should pay tribute to his low-budget Keanu Reeves roots by naming their baby after the now-dead low-budget department store S. Klein. Two (and most importantly), the Suri Cruise daddy truthers only have 17 weeks before they can do some CSI-style analysis of Baby Klein’s first pictures against the ones of Suri that they ripped out of a 10-year-old copy of Vanity Fair from the public library and taped to their wall. They will prove once and for all that Chris Klein is the real father of Tom Cruise’s “daughter.

Pic: Splash

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Madonna Isn’t A Drunken Mess! She’s Just Doing Acting Stuff, Okay?!

/ March 15, 2016

Seen above looking like Goddess Bunny’s boozed up, dark-sided great aunt, Godless Clowny, Madonna is pissing on the rumors that she is spiking the usual virgin blood she drinks with vodka and getting drunk during her shows.

Madge’s “secret show” in Melbourne looked like a lounge act starring a fourth-rate Marlene Dietrich impersonator who works as a clown on the side and will also sell you a bag of pills from her dressing room later if you ask. And during her Rebel Heart show, also in Melbourne, she fell off a tricycle, guzzled from a bottle of the sweet nectar and asked someone to please fuck her. If you traded that tricycle with a barstool, that scene would be me on a Friday night at the bar. After Madge brought the messiness to Melbourne, there were tabloid reports saying that Madge is dealing with her Rocco Ritchie woes by getting plastered before and during her shows. She’s also been getting shit for showing up hours late to her shows.

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