Now It’s TV Land’s Turn To Try And Reboot “Heathers”

/ March 16, 2016

For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.

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Kristin Cavallari Is Now An Authority On Food

/ March 16, 2016

Former Laguna Beach cast member and current expert in basic baby names Kristin Cavallari is nothing if not passionate about spreading “the truth” about chemicals and toxins. She taught us all there is to know about vaccinations (ie. vaccinations are bad), and now she has moved on to the human diet. Kristin has a book out right now called Balancing in Heels, and she’s clearly coming for Gwyneth Paltrow’s “My insides are healthier than your insides” enlightened rich bitch crown.

According to People, Kristin writes in her book that she’s “become a psycho” about reading food labels and researching ingredients she doesn’t know about. Apparently it’s not just the child-murdering chemicals in polio immunizations that Kristin is protecting her kids from. Kristin would rather wake up with her old nose than let her children eat food containing GMOs, antibiotics, growth hormones, or “toxic chemicals.

But Kristin isn’t doing it just for the smug mommy endorphins that get released every time she talks about what’s in her fridge. Kristin says that switching over to eating mostly organic foods, wild-caught fish, and grass-fed beef, has helped her unfrozen caveman husband Jay Cutler manage his type-1 diabetes and blood pressure. She also claims it’s the reason her family is rarely sick.

Kristin also really loves goat milk. After Kristin stopped breastfeeding her sons Camden and Jaxon, she found they had a problem with cow milk. Rather than giving them soy milk (because, as Kristin would like you to know, it’s “usually genetically modified“), she put them on a homemade goat milk formula. She doesn’t say where she gets her goat milk from. But since Kristin is such a “psycho” about where her food comes from, I’m going to assume she bought a goat and milks it every morning while interrogating it about what it ate the day before. “Are you SURE you haven’t ingested any non-organic grass? Don’t lie to me, I saw you sniffing over near the neighbor’s fence yesterday.

Here’s Kristin looking like the keyboard player from a knock-off Partridge Family cover band called The Pigeon Gang while selling her book at GMA on Tuesday.

Pics: Kristin Cavallari, Splash

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So, I Guess Goopy Paltrow Didn’t Have Time To Get Her Vagina Steamed

/ March 16, 2016

“Darling, will you be a dear and help a fellow Englishwoman out by holding my martini glass for a second? I must run off and feed my vagine a scoop of Moon Dust. It seems to be ravenous and is starting to chew on my onesie. Thanks, love!”Goopy Paltrow to Rosie Huntington-Whateverly right after that picture was taken.

The Hollywood Reporter named their Power Stylists of 2016 and Goopy Paltrow’s stylist Elizabeth Saltzman made the list, so last night, she showed up to a dinner in L.A. to celebrate the issue. Three things:

1. Yes, Goopy Paltrow wore this 70s space B-movie ridiculousness to an event honoring the most powerful stylists in Hollywood.  THAT is the pink hospital curtain ugliness that Elizabeth Saltzman chose to show off her styling skills. Maybe Elizabeth Saltzman is kind of like some of us? Maybe Elizabeth decided to fuck with Goopy. Maybe she told Goopy that she looks so hot and her pussy looks so perky in that jumpsuit, but then turned around and whispered to a style assistant, “She looks like Mr. Blobby’s dick.” But well, looking like Mr. Blobby’s dick is still better than looking like you’re wearing a jumpsuit that Buffalo Bill made out of discarded foreskins. If Elizabeth Saltzman is screwing with her, I officially declare my love for Elizabeth Saltzman. Keep up the great work!

2. If Goopy was trying to go for the “fuck effort Gumby cosplay using waffle towels from the 99 Cent store” look, then she nailed it.

3. That jumpsuit sort of reminds me of that creepy Awkward-Family-Photo-gone-wrong picture that has haunted the Internet for years. Therefore that jumpsuit needs to be torched, and its ashes need to be stashed in a place that no soul will ever, ever find it (like behind a Mortdecai DVD at Best Buy).

Pics: Getty

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Charlie Sheen Claims He Can’t Afford His Child Support Payments To Denise Richards

/ March 16, 2016

A few weeks ago,  Charlie Sheen cried about the number of zeroes he has to write on his child support checks to his third ex-wife Brooke Mueller every month. According to Charlie, he couldn’t afford to keep handing over so much cash because he’s not making Two and a Half Men money anymore. Now TMZ is saying that Charlie also wants his second ex-wife Denise Richards to take a pay cut.

Once again, Charlie has filed papers claiming he’s not bringing in nearly as much money as he once was and wants a judge to slash the amount of child support he has to pay every month to Denise. Charlie has been paying Denise $55,000 a month (the same amount he pays Brooke) since 2009, but he says he can’t afford that much because his income has “drastically declined.” During the 8th season of Two and a Half Men, Charlie was pulling in $1.8 million an episode. But as Martin mentioned last time, Charlie has claimed those days are over and he only makes $87,384 a month now.

Charlie also reused the same low-income excuses from the papers he filed two weeks ago regarding his child support situation with Brooke. According to Charlie, his bank account is currently in a bad place. Charlie sold his rights to Two and a Half Men and he says that it costs a lot of money to be an HIV-positive person.

This isn’t the only cash keep-away game Charlie is playing with Denise. She is currently suing Charlie for $1.2 million for selling the house she and their daughters were living in and keeping the money for himself.

I think Charlie might be jumping the gun a bit here (and with Charlie’s gun history, that’s not a good thing). He should have waited until after that movie he’s making with Whoopi about 9/11 bombs at the box office. That way, he’d have indisputable proof that his bank account is busted. “Your honor, as you can see, I’m clearly in no position to be writing child support checks for $55,000.

Pic: Splash

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Ben Affleck Just Booked A Back Tattoo Appointment For His Brother

/ March 16, 2016

Cue up Haddaway and prepare your panties for the dropping! The Hollywood club scene better brace itself, because I’m guessing that if Ben Affleck gets his way, the Affleck Bros. are going to own that shit when they get out of a bright yellow Corvette and strut into Bootsy Bellows in matching backless tank tops to show off their panty cream-inducing mid-life crisis tattoos. Although, Casey Affleck won’t get a phoenix tattooed onto his back, because everyone will think he’s paying homage to his estranged wife. He’ll get like a really ~rad~ and ~awesome~ dragon instead.

InTouch Weekly was first to report, and People confirms, that 40-year-old Casey Affleck has joined his older brother in The Soon-To-Be-Divorced Club. Casey and his 37-year-old wife of 10 years, Summer Phoenix, have broken up. Casey’s rep gave this statement to People:

“Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have amicably separated. They remain very close friends.”

Casey and Summer have two sons, 11-year-old Indiana and 8-year-old Atticus. So Casey’s publicist really dropped the generic split-up statement ball. They forgot to add, “We remain committed to co-parenting our children and ask for privacy.” Dock their pay, Casey!

Casey and Summer’s brother Joaquin Phoenix became friends while doing To Die For together. Joaquin introduced Casey to Summer in 2000 and the two got married 6 years later.

A source tells InTouch that Casey and Summer tried to make it work in counseling, but couldn’t. The source adds that Summer has a lot of “trust issues.” Yeah, trust issues. Here we go again. Summer’s alleged “trust issues” makes me think that right now, their ex-nanny is calling all of the tabloids and is trying to get a brand new drop top Lexus in exchange for a shameless tell-all interview and poolside bikini pics. But since it’s Casey and not Ben, she’ll probably have to settle for a 2008 drop top Camry Solara in exchange for 5 tell-alls and naked pics.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Olivia Wilde Was Told She Was Too Old To Play Leonardo DiCaprio’s Wife In “The Wolf Of Wall Street”

/ March 16, 2016

Hiring actresses who are young enough to remember when they still had an umbilical cord as the love interests for dudes who are old enough to start shopping around for plastic hips is a fairly common practice in Hollywood. I’m no industry insider, but I’m pretty sure that once an actress hits 30, she’s given an AARP pamphlet and a basket of Botox coupons with a card thanking her for her service.

For example, about a year ago, 38-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal admitted that she was once told she was too old to play the love interest of a 55-year-old. And now Olivia Wilde is chiming in with a story about being told she’s too old of her own. During an interview with Howard Stern (via UsWeekly), 32-year-old Olivia says that she auditioned for, but didn’t get, the role of Leonardo DiCaprio’s hot girlfriend-turned-wife Naomi in The Wolf of Wall Street back in 2012. According to Olivia, the reason she was given for why she didn’t get the part was because she was “too sophisticated.

At the time, Olivia was flattered, because really, who would take “too sophisticated” as anything but the highest of compliments? Especially someone who was only 29. However, Olivia says she later found out that “too sophisticated” was Hollywood casting agent code for “too fucking old.

The role eventually went to Margot Robbie, who was 22 (for reference, Leo was 38 when they filmed The Wolf of Wall Street). But Olivia clearly doesn’t hold the date on Margot’s birth certificate against her, because she added: “I thought she kicked so much ass in that movie.

Obviously 29 isn’t that old to play an almost-40 actor’s girlfriend, but it is too old to play Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend. Can you imagine how hard it would be for him to act like he was interested in a woman who was born in the 80s? I know Leo is the greatest actor in the world or whatever, but that’s asking a lot of him.

Here’s Olivia at a theater event in NYC last week with her baby daddy and Will Forte. I can’t believe they made her stand the whole time; not one person offered that poor old woman a seat! This generation has no respect for their elders.

Pics: Wenn.com

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