Open Post: Hosted By Mimi Getting Back To Gliding Above The Pavement

/ May 7, 2016

While our world and sanity continue to be tried and tested by Satan’s sick and twisted ways, we must remember the duality of the universe. Whenever we run and scream in the face of a demon, we are soon reminded that angels walk this Earth too. Well, angels glide and hover above pavement. One such angel is our beloved Mariah Carey. So strong was the evil that, recently, we were shocked to see that she was actually touching ground and walking up stairs. It was so bad she had to get her heavenly, pantyhosed legs insured!

Thankfully, all is right in the world of butterflies and Lisa Frank, because Mimi is back to being Careyed© and helped across the filthy sidewalks of the world. “You don’t expect me to bring germs into the car, do you, dahling?” Mariah was seen leaving 1OAK in Los Angeles after celebrating the Bat Mitzvah of the daughter of her manager, Stella Bulochnikov, who apparently everyone hates. The mythic queen of all things bling and totally tasteful chose to come dressed as one of her favorite subjects, a mermaid. An elegant mermaid out for the night in a gown made of the net that was meant to capture her but she escaped and turned it into a gorgeous dress. Naturally, if she comes as a mermaid, she must be carried out! Mermaids can’t walk! They have tails! And judging by that gorgeous glow and her focused eyes, she took the mermaid thing all the way and drank like a fish.

Pic: Splash

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Sinead O’Connor Wants Arsenio Hall To Suck Her Dick

/ May 7, 2016

We’re all still reeling from the loss of one of God’s sexiest and most purple angels, Prince, so people are gonna be dragging this for a while. Everyone’s favorite game when death comes knocking on a celebrity door is the speculation and blame game. We’ve already had Dr. Aretha give us her take, and Sinead O’Conner decided to put on a lab coat to give us her opinion. Which was to accuse Arsenio Hall giving Prince a ton of drugs, including the drugs that may have sent him to the afterworld. Arsenio claimed that he wasn’t Prince pill supplier and slapped back with a $5 million defamation suit.

Sinead, who has been snubbed for Pulitzer prizes and title of Poet Laureate (see: Difficult Browngot on her favorite publishing platform, Facebook, to respond to Arsenio’s suit:

I’m gonna give her points for “ARSE-INIO” because that’s good. It’s exactly the eloquent and creative use of language that I’ve come to expect from her. And what a thrilling turn of phrase “He can suck my dick” is! And so nice to see a through line in her work – she’s always got dick on the mind and manages to slip it in (pun intended!) wherever she can. She really never disappoints and I’m thankful Facebook came into existence because it teases out these delightful and enchanting poems from inside her mind. It takes a real artist to not only have the courage of one’s convictions but to also express them so beautifully. Arsenio better hire some English Lit people for his team because his suit doesn’t stand a chance in the face of such enticing  words.

Pic: Wenn

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New Human Alert: Michael Phelps’ Baby Has Arrived

/ May 7, 2016

Nature is truly a wonder! They tell us that different species cannot come together to procreate, yet here we stand in awe. Olympic machine, and possible non-human (18 GOLD MEDALS, WHAT?!), Michael Phelps gave his fiancee, Nicole Johnson, who is just a regular human, although she’s a former Miss California, a case of the babies nine months ago. And now said baby has arrived. Please welcome to the stage, Boomer Robert Phelps. Yes, Boomer! Put that in your “I can’t” file.

Michael posted the above picture earlier today on Instagram. But Boomer was actually born on the 5th, as per Michael’s caption:

Welcome Boomer Robert Phelps into the world!!! Born 5-5-2016 at 7:21 pm !!! Healthy and happy!!! Best feeling I have ever felt in my life!!! @nicole.m.johnson and Boomer both healthy!!! #boomerphelps 📷 @boonestudios

Just like those soulless Kartrashians stole Blac Chyna’s Mother’s Day pregnancy announcement, Michael stole it from Nicole. Just look at the picture. Boomer and Michael’s body are totally in sharp focus, Michael is topless and Nicole is blurred out in the back, exhausted from having a baby and reminding me a touch of a Kylie Jenner face swap. Rude, Michael! Rude!

Listen, it’s not my baby and they can name it whatever they want, but Boomer Phelps sounds like something you come up with during the porn name game. Then again, it’s a sporty sounding so they’re probably imagining him winning a million gold medals and zooming to the moon or something. At this point, you’ve gotta give celeb kids a WTF ass name or they take away your fame, right?

Pic: Instagram

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Posh Spice Was Not Programmed To Sing

/ May 7, 2016

The Spice Girls, without a doubt, were the greatest girl band ever. Duh. Don’t argue. There was one in there for all of us. Did you high kick like Sporty or infantilise yourself like Baby? Spout Girl Power words like Ginger or wear zebra print like Scary? Or maybe you pointed your finger like Posh? The finger point was the glue that held the band together, well, until Geri left, and Victoria Beckham‘s biggest contribution. God, I loved her but if you ever went to a show you had to wonder whether she was just a mic stand with a wig on it. Despite giving us the greatest video and song of the Spice solo careers, she’s now confirmed what we knew all along in regards to her singing. Her mic was more often than not off at the shows.

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The Kardashian Kamp Leaked Blac Chyna’s Pregnancy News

/ May 7, 2016

I know you’re all busy having your homes blessed and maybe moving in a nun or two, now that Hell is even closer, so I thought it important to keep you updated on what’s going on with the Devil’s minions. I too am working around the clock to keep my abode, body and eternal soul protected but I did find time to make it to my betting guy and lay down some money. I put down a big bet on it being PMK who “leaked the story that Blac Chyna is pregnant with the newest 100% silicone, partly movable doll from the Kardashian Kids line, by way of Rob Kardashian, and now her reps have confirmed the leak came from Kasa K.

Blac Chyna’s reps reached out to People to say the Anti-Krhists are the ones who let the kat out of the bag. Shock! What?! Yeah. Blac Chyna wanted to announce the news herself on Mother’s Day, but word got out yesterday:

She would have preferred to have announced it on Mother’s Day herself, but her hand was forced. But allegedly the other half of her family leaked her story so she had to announce it. The only people that knew from Chyna’s side was myself and Amber [Rose]. Her mother didn’t even know. [Chyna’s] moment was taken from her, which is really sad.

While this whole drama is without a doubt orchestrated by all of them to within an inch of its for the tabloids life, its PMK who’s running the damn thing. “You wanna hump on my disappointment of a son and get some of our dirty Ryan Seacrest money, huh? Well, you’re gonna have to play by my rules. Sign here. In blood,” is probably the business conversation PMK had with Chyna. Asked why he thought PMK had stolen the precious moment of Chyna announcing her pregnancy on Twitter with an emoji, her rep said, “It’s the business. There’s a TV show to promote.

And speaking of business and TV shows, TMZ is reporting, to the shock of no one, that Chyna and Rob are in talks for their own E! show that will follow the pregnancy and birth. Of course they are  and I’m sure it will be aired in 3D AND Smell-O-Vision, and the fetus will come forth and unto Earth shall rain down 1000 years of fire and brimstone, etc.. etc..

Pic: Wenn

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ May 7, 2016

George Papageorgiou, the Becky with the Good Book who became a viral star after someone tweeted a video of him reading at Beyonce’s show in Raleigh, North Carolina.

I’ve never been to a Beyonce show, but if the hardcore BumbleBeys in the audience act the same way they do on Twitter or Instagram, then I’m guessing that if you don’t scream and worship her, they’ll buzz around you while stamping your body with bee and lemon stamps. So I’m surprised that this pepaw lived to tell the tale of reading at a Beyonce concert!

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