Channing Tatum recently announced that he’s bringing Magic Mike Live! to Las Vegas and will try to make coochies get so hot that they have to jump off of their owner’s body to run off and cool themselves in a bowl of ice water. But Magic Mike Live! has their work cut out for them, because over at Chippendales at the Rio, they’re delivering thrusting man crotches, greasy abs AND star power.

Chippendales sometimes has celebrity guest thrusters do a short residency, and they’ve already brought Steve Sanders and Tyson Beckford to the stage. And for 5 weeks, Antonio Sabato Jr., the star of General Hospital, Melrose Place, several fap-worthy Calvin Klein chonies ads and one of the best reality shit shows of 2009 My Antonio, will shake his ass and drop it low with the other Chippendales hot pieces.

This will only make sense to those of you watched General Hospital during its hot piece golden years (read: the 90s), but since Chippendales hired Antonio to strip for a few weeks, they should’ve made it a GH reunion by bringing in Steve Burton (aka Jason Morgan). Jagger and Jason thrusting their half-naked bodies next to each other on stage = 90s wet dreams coming true.

And here’s more of Antonio serving up some 47-year-old oily hotness at Chippendales last night. Antonio is a Trump supporter and that should ruin his hotness for me, but I still would, even with a backwards “Make America Great Again” hat on his head.

Pics: Wenn.com

That little speck next to Justin Bieber’s eye isn’t a mole, or a tick thirsty for his douche blood or a tiny splatter of caca that ended up on his face while his au pair changed his diaper. It’s his newest unholy work of tattoo art.

The Biebs posted that Emo picture on his Instagram last night, and since his crazed followers have memorized everything about him, they instantly spotted that new drop of ink on his mug. UsWeekly says that Justin added a new tattoo to his collection of ink art, which includes that sassy Jesus tattoo and his fapping knight tattoo. The source says that on Friday night, the Biebs and Joe Termini, the Jimbo Jones to his Nelson Muntz, got matching cross tattoo just below their eyes at the West 4th Tattoo Parlor in NYC.

That thing is so tiny, and I would make a joke about how that’s probably what Selena Gomez said the first time they got naked, but sadly, my eyeballs know that’s not true. But really, if you’re going to get a face tattoo, get a face tattoo. Don’t half-ass that shit. Go full Gucci Mane. That tiny cross tattoo just makes him look like a cholo altar boy. I bet that tiny cross tattoo wasn’t his first choice. I bet that he really wanted to show everyone how much of a badass he is by getting a teardrop tattoo, but even he knows he hasn’t earned one yet. Don’t worry, Biebs, when you get a perfect score on the Whac-A-Mole game at Boomer’s, you’ll be able to get that teardrop tattoo. Because you’ll officially be the most ruthless and hardest toddler at the arcade.

And here’s Biebs looking a mess in NYC on Friday night.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Everyone’s favorite sanctimonious chat show host was back on Saturday Night Live last night to get down to business with the Republican candidates. Dana Carvey‘s Church Lady made a comeback during the open and she took Taram Killam‘s Ted Cruz and Darrell Hammond‘s Donald Trump to, well, church. And, funny enough, Church Chat is just about as legitimate as any of the shows on Fox News, CNN and MSNBC, so this felt pretty informative!

Get your mourning gear and prepare yourself for some possible wailing and tears. Make sure you have plenty of tissues, Meg Ryan movies and ice cream, because it might be a very sad and lonely time. Our friend, True Love, is possibly sitting in a car somewhere with the engine running in a locked garage. Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy Osbourne may be done, for the 186,795th time.

E! News broke the story and they’re making it out like it’s very mature and organized. Their source says that they agreed together that Ozzy should move his ass out and that the split has nothing to do with Ozzy’s falling off the wagon. The source says that Ozzy has been dry and sober for over 3 years. But…

The Mirror is reporting that Sharon has proof of Ozzy’s crotch worm meandering into a side piece and she’s not happy about it this time. The alleged side piece in question is a celebrity hairstylist named Michelle Pugh. Things apparently got real bad last week when Ozzy disappeared and Sharon thought he had gone on a booze and drugs bender. And a rep for Ozzy confirms that he’s not living with Sharon by saying, “At this time Ozzy is not at the marital home.”

There have been a million stories of them breaking up, like when Ozzy took to Facebook to let people know he’d fallen off the wagon real bad but that he and Sharon were fine. They also managed to make it through the “Ozzy fucking the nannies“ phase. These two have been married for 34 years, so maybe they’ll take a page out of Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito’s book. But my question is, since it seems like Sharon does EVERYTHING for Ozzy, how did he manage to screw a ho without her help? Maybe that’s the proof Sharon has. One day, she heard Ozzy scream from the other side of the house, “SSSHHHHAAAARRRRROOOOONNNN, come help me put me prick in Michelle’s muff!”

Pic: Wenn

The stunningly exquisite pasta shell gold jewelry box that some of us made as kids for our mother! 

When I was in the second or third grade, we made gorgeous, handmade and one-of-a-kind jooree boxes for our moms for Mother’s Day. My mom has a heart made of pure gold, so she used the pasta shell jewelry box I gave her for years. She might still use it. I haven’t seen the one that I made for my mom in years, but I’m assuming that in her bathroom is a secret door that leads to a secret room where she keeps all of the precious craft shit that my sister and I made for her as kids behind museum-grade plexiglass. In my head, the pasta shell jewelry box I made for my mom looks like the one above, but in reality, it probably looks more like this:

To make those opulent boxes of sparkly wonder, we used cigar boxes, pasta, gold spray paint and regular paint. Our teacher wouldn’t let us spray paint the boxes ourselves, but she let us watch while she did it outside. Those were the days when your teacher would let you inhale spray paint fumes as she glamourized the gorgeous craft project you made for your mom.

My mom’s out of town right now or else I’d whip up another pasta shell gold jewelry box and give it to her for old time’s sake, just so I can hear her say, “Err, why is this empty inside? You know giving me crap like this is only cute when you’re a jobless child. Now take me to IHOP already!”

Happy Mother’s Day!

Pics: Worth100, OBC

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