After taking yesterday off to throw some stuff in cardboard boxes and Yelp a couple moving companies, Sharon Osbourne returned to The Talk today. In case that huge glass of lemonade she was sipping on was too subtle, Sharon was ready to talk about her recent split from Ozzy Osbourne. Despite that very obvious reference to Beyonce, Sharon wouldn’t say anything about Michelle who does the good hair (aka Michelle Pugh, the hairdresser that Ozzy might have cheated on Sharon with). But she did admit that the rumors are true and that she’s no longer with Ozzy.

Sharon began by thanking everyone for reaching out to her during this crappy time in her life, and added that she feels “empowered” by the situation. Sharon then went on to confirm that she did kick Ozzy out of the house, but he came back, and now she’s out of the house because she needs time to think about it all. Eventually Darlene Conner chimed in and asked what makes this time so different from all the other times they’ve called it quits, and she answered:

“Because I’m 63 years of age, and I can’t keep living like this.”

As for what will happen with Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage, she says she doesn’t know if they’ll stay together or get divorced. A source tells People that as of right now, there are no plans to call up a divorce lawyer and fight over who gets custody of the dogs. Another source tells TMZ that it’s “undecided.”

You can watch Sharon’s entire “I Will Survive” moment here. Out of all the kind words that Sharon received from the ladies around that table, I think the nicest was Sheryl Underwood’s offer to take out her earrings, pull out the Vaseline, and roll up on Ozzy with her cousin. She was clearly joking, but it’s nice to know that Sharon has a ride or die bitch on her side in case a trick needs whooping.

Pic: CBS

Even though Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness is now up in heaven, knocking on the door’s of the angels, he continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. Not only is he continuing to give Maury more material since hundreds of people (including a mess who claims to be his sole heir) have come forward claiming to be related to him. But Prince continues to give us anecdotes that warm our ice cold souls.

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I didn’t think I’d ever be writing about Minnie Driver getting into legal trouble over a paint-filled baby food jar fight with her neighbor, but here we are.

TMZ says that Minnie Driver has been sued by her neighbor Daniel Perelmutter for allegedly being a constant headache who is making it nearly impossible for him to finish construction on his house. He claims Minnie has replaced her neighborly “Hellos” with expletive-filled rants. Most people can handle the odd “go fuck yourself” from their neighbor, but not Daniel. Daniel has had a heart transplant, and he says that Minnie’s language is putting too much stress on it.

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Goop squirted out a Sex Issue yesterday, and it’s really my wet dream come-to-life, because it brings together two of my favorite things: Goopisms and sex stuff!

Goop truly has a gift at making everything sound as pretentious and ridiculous as possible, including fucking. Even though she let us know that she likes to fuck, I always thought that Goopy Paltrow’s favorite way of getting off is by reading the labels at a chef-curated speciality marché that focuses on artisanal food items imported from the Continent. Goop’s Sex Issue doesn’t mention that, but it does mention ridiculous fuck toys and other kinds of ridiculousness.

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Well, this is a little awkward. Allow me to explain what is happening in these grainy-as-hell pictures above. On the right, you have Orlando Bloom, who appears to be – forgive me Jesus for using this word – canoodling with a lady in a booth at a club. And according to TMZ , the woman he’s ‘noodling with is Selena Gomez. In case you’ve forgotten, Orlando’s dick currently belongs to Katy Perry.

TMZ says the above pictures of Orlando reuniting with his one-time revenge hookup Selena were taken on Saturday night at the after-party for her show in Las Vegas. The after-party was at Light in Mandalay Bay, and sources say that Orlando surprised everyone by showing up. 39-year-old Orlando and 23-year-old Selena found a booth together and got to touching. A source describes them as being “touchy-feely.” However, whatever happened in that booth stayed in that booth; the source says that Selena went back to her room alone at the end of the night.

As for where Katy Perry was when all this was happening, she was apparently back in California at a Renaissance Fair. I sort of wish it was the other way around; I would have loved to have seen Orlando macking on Selena while holding a giant turkey leg.

Even without these pictures, which I’m sure have already been thrown in a frame and hung in the Indiscreet Dummies wing of the Cheating Hall of Fame, Orlando would have been busted the second Katy got home and took a look at the state of his Tamagotchi. “Oh my god, it’s dead! It looks like died from malnutrition and feces exposure on Saturday night. Where were you Saturday night that you couldn’t take care of it? Explain yourself!”

Pic: TMZ

As totally expected, Gwen Stefani, the badass rebel of the high school who wears black nail polish and has an anarchy patch on her bomber jacket, and Blake Shelton, the hillbilly badass of the high school who has Truck Nutz on his F-150 and got suspended for sneaking a beer into an assembly, cemented their weird ass union in song.

Gwen and Blake made the anti “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” with a duet called “Go Ahead And Break My Heart.” Elton John and Kiki Dee are so not amused. The song is on Blake’s new album If I’m Honest, and it’s about a trick who uses another trick to get over a breakup, but they fall in love with that trick and are scared and shit and blah blah… It’s so real life! Gwen and Blake performed their duet on The Voice last night. If you’re a cynical, bitter bitch like me, but want to see their performance, make sure you hold onto your eyeballs right after pressing play, because their natural reaction will be to roll.

Gwen, what are you doing?! To quote my friend when I agreed to go to a 3-hour-long church organ recital with my boyfriend-at-the-time because he asked me to: “I hope the dick is good, because that’s a deal breaker.”

That duet is just… I’d rather watch Gwen and Blake make out all sloppy-like while wearing matching outfits as they sit on the same side in a 4-person restaurant booth. That would be less heave-inducing to me. Why don’t you go ahead and break my nerves, you two!

And here’s THAT couple at the Angry Birds premiere in L.A. over the weekend:

Pics: Splash