As The Slytherins Cackle, Hermione Granger Was Named In The Panama Papers Leak
I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.
The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.
Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.
Ben Affleck Reportedly Really Wants Jennifer Garner Back
“Um….yeah, I dunno. Do you still have that back tattoo?” says Jennifer Garner, before pretending to hear her phone ring and excusing herself to take a “very important” call. Actually, I have no idea how Jennifer Garner would feel about the possibility of being Mrs. Ben Affleck again. But according to People, he’s crossing his fingers that she’d be into it.
Jenny Slate And Captain America Are A Thing Now
That picture of Jenny Slate with Chris Evans was taken when they were both on Anna Faris’ podcast, and their glazed-over shiny eyes could be from the camera flash, but I’m going to choose to believe it’s from spending all day and all night humping their fuck parts off. As for why Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s eyes are like that too, they have a 3 year old, so I’m guessing they were smoking crack all day to deal with a hyperactive screaming child.
Nicki Minaj Claims She’s Being Sued By Safaree Samuels For Emotional And Physical Abuse
Ah, to be young and not fighting with each other on Twitter over possible lawsuits. Nicki Minaj and her ex-boyfriend Safaree Samuels haven’t been a thing for more almost two years, but they just can’t seem to quit each other. And not in the “secret hookups at a motel while Meek Mill is out of town” way either. It’s more like they can’t quit fighting with each other. Last year, Safaree farted on Nicki in a song about their 12-year relationship, to which Nicki responded by slapping at him repeatedly on Twitter. Well, they’re currently in the middle of another fight, and this time it’s all over an alleged lawsuit.
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For May 10th!
Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk,milk,milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, lemonade, ’round the corner fudge is made. – Cookiemonster
Upvote winner:
This seems a little strange, dozen tit? – Mother Chucker
Pic: Reddit
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Pete the Farting Wombat!
Even if you find yourself sprawled on a yacht in the Mediterranean where you’re being hand-fed delicious weed cookies and Strawberry Hill by a harem of naked hot pieces as Stacey Q performs a private concert for you, you’re still not living the life as much as Pete the Farting Wombat lived the life on the BBC Two last week. Pete the Farting Wombat instantly became an inspiration to many when that furry fart bag of charisma was on BBC Two’s Natural World. If anyone ever asks me what my goals are for the rest of my life, I’m going to show them this clip of Pete sitting on a hot Aussie’s lap while being fed sweet corn.
Pete is like Mama June, but without all that “pedo fucker” stuff and with more charm and manners. Now, I prefer eating corn on the cob the Michael Bublé way, but Pete the Farting Wombat also has the right idea. You attack that bitch with your mouth and go to war with it. You snap at that corn like every single kernel is talking shit about your entire family at once, and you only stop to rest and fart. Show us, Pete!
As the video above shows, grouchy ass Pete was sedated before being taken back to the wombat sanctuary. But before he left, he showed us his softer side by giving us a little wombat wink:
Okay, that wink isn’t totally soft, because I’m pretty sure it’s a “Bitch, you wish you were me” wink. And he’s right!
GIF: Metro UK (For Lexi, Renee and P.R.)