Hours after Ronan Farrow spit on the media and Hollywood for supporting and  pretty much ignoring the allegations against alleged PedoPolyp Woody Allen, his movie Cafe Society opened the Cannes Film Festival last night. Woody and the cast, including Kristen Stewart, Blake Lively and Jesse Eisenberg, were sitting in the audience when the host of the opening ceremony, French comedian Laurent Lafitte, leaped into the hearts of many by throwing a Roman Polanski joke at Woody:

“You’ve shot so many of your films here in Europe, and yet in the U.S. you haven’t even been convicted of rape. Thank you for coming tonight. Although it’s the least you could do. Your film isn’t even in competition. What’s the worst that could happen? … Or that it’s not as good as ‘Manhattan.’”

Woody wasn’t bothered by the joke, just like he wasn’t bothered by Ronan slamming him. But failed lifestyle blogger and Antebellum south-era enthusiast Blake NotSoLively was highly, highly offended by the jokes that came out of Laurent Lafitte’s offensive-making mouth.

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Ugh, I instantly regret choosing that picture; it’s far too early to imagine what Tyga is doing to Kylie Jenner that would cause her to make that face.

TMZ says that Kylie Jenner’s gross – and at one time illegal – 19-month-long relationship with her 26-year-old boyfriend is over. And it’s reportedly for realsies this time. Tyga has officially lost his meal ticket. Angela Kardashian™ had to sit her pregnant ass down before she passed out from “HAHAHAHA!“-ing too hard. Tyga, please return your prepaid Kardashian Gold Kard and keys to your kompany vehicle back to Kris Jenner. I’d make a joke about Kylie returning the gifts Tyga bought her over the course of their relationship, but we all know he didn’t pay for those.

TMZ can’t say why Kylie kalled it kwits with Tyga. But they do say that the time of death for Kylie and Tyga’s relationship is sometime last week before the Met Gala. Both Kylie and Tyga went to the Met Gala, but Kylie chose not to walk the red carpet with him. They also say that Kylie’s rubber lips collapsed into a frown when he showed up, because she’s the sole reason why he was invited in the first place. To be fair, the same could be said for Kylie. “Guys, what if we don’t get enough pictures of Kim Kardashian? Better send out an invitation to her understudy, just to be sure.”

So far, neither Kylie nor Tyga have confirmed on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever that they’re done. According to UsWeekly, they might be keeping quiet because they’re just taking a break and may get back together. I’m sure it will all be explained during a very special episode of KUWTK called “Kylie Makes Everyone Forget About Blac Chyna’s Pregnancy News For A Couple Seconds.”

What is known about this situation is how Tyga spent Mother’s Day last Sunday. TMZ says he went to lunch with his mama and some random model who may or may not be his new girlfriend. No word on where he found this new girlfriend, but for now let’s just assume it was Instagram.

For now, there ends another trashy chapter in the Kardashian family storybook. But thanks to Tyga and Kylie’s shameless thirst and willingness to exploit a situation for some attention, we’ll always have this disgusting reminder of what once was.

Pic: Instagram

The Witness Protection Program is really underfunded. – Beezers

Upvote winner:

Michael outwits PHG Security. – Texndoc

Pic: Break

R Joy, the only good thing to come out of Donald Trump’s campaign!

Ever since I started following @rjoyourjoy1919 on Twitter, my timeline has become an endless cornucopia of wisdom, glamour and potent poetry. R Joy is a rising Twitter STAH, and as Paper points out, she’s a delicate Florida blossom whose stem is covered with thorns that will cut you if you mess with her. It seems like Joy tweets non-stop, all day, every day. When she’s not tweeting inspirational videos, she’s re-tweeting tweets from her loyal disciples who need her advice on everything.

The only things I really know about the Trump Girl of 2016 is that she’s from the greatest state in the country, Florida, she’s 47 years old, she weighs 108 pounds, she’s a naturalized US citizen, she can DJ like no other, she has sweet moves and she loves Adele dance remixes. In her many, many videos, Joy goes in on the losers, tells you how now to be a loser and yodels out gorgeous songs about losers. I’ll let Joy and her videos speak for themselves. These videos may make you say, “So that’s what happened to that perfect jewel Cynthia from Priscilla!”

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Rami Malek (35)
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Jason Biggs (38)
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Catherine Tate (48)
Stephen Baldwin (50)
Deborah Kara Unger (50)
Carla Hall (52)
Vanessa “The One In Melrose Place” Williams (53)
Emilio Estevez (54)
Ving Rhames (57)
Eric Singer (58)
Gabriel Byrne (66)
Billy Squier (66)
Steve Winwood (68)
Linda Dano (73)
Burt Bacharach (88)

Pic: The Riker Brothers

Today in YAAASSSsssssSSSssss: Julianne Moore ruled Cannes by wearing a twin King Cobra titty dress that made her look like a ruthless bond villainess from the late 70s – Lainey Gossip

What do you even call that piece of jewelry on Greer Grammer? A titty chain? A cleavage charm? Oh, whatever, I’ll just call it what it is: elegant – Drunken Stepfather 

Koryea Kardashian is probably going to be a boy – Celebitchy

Two things Amber Portwood has never heard of: condoms and Turbo Tax – Reality Tea 

This is what Bella Hadid’s ass looks like in a bikini – The Superficial 

Chrissy Teigen is giving me “lot lizard going to a jackets-required restaurant” glamour – The Nip Slip

Deadpool got an “honest” trailer – IDLYITW

I thought I saw a lady’s head flying through the sky last night, and now I know it was one of the One Million Moms who lost her mind after watching Nylie DiMarco get into some topless gay dancing on Dancing with the Stars – Towleroad

Why am I just finding out that there’s peen in Banshee? – OMG Blog

Miley Cyrus or Lady CaCa? – Just Jared

I see Bella Thorne trying to gain some Plushie fans by making eyes at that skunk stuffed animal – Popoholic

If you ever need a reason to hate America, here’s one: AMC didn’t show Tom Hiddleston’s bare ass! – Jezebel

PUPPEH!!! (And Julianne Hough too, I guess) – Hollywood Tuna 

My new favorite French comedian burned Woody Allen to his face – HuffPo

Damn, I guess time’s are tough for the Fantanas – Popsugar

“Okay, but please don’t try to ‘honor’ me by playing the guitar,” said Prince’s ghost after finding out that Madge will pay tribute to him at the Billboard Awards – Boy Culture

And if you haven’t voted for Hot Slut of the Month yet, vote now! And if you have, vote again! 

Pic: Wenn.com