Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.

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Blac Chyna is once again proving she totally deserves that Kardashian fetus in her body by posing half-naked and knocked-up for a magazine, this time for Elle. Blac Chyna looked a living John Kricfalusi cartoon in her Paper spread, but she looks someone human in these pictures, which are saying to me, “If the glove does fit, use it to cover a tit.”

Blac Chyna didn’t just pose in her underwear with her bump out for attention. She also spoke about her ex-fiance and the father of her son Tyga. Sorry, did I say spoke? I meant to say “read his cheap ass.”

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This week is only three days old, and already there’s been enough bummer news to make me drink like it’s the weekend. Clearly the Universe heard us all screaming “Okay, call me when the week is done” and decided to take pity on us by giving us some genuinely good news.

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Upvote winner:

Pic: Break

The bored, hot and hungry helicopter dude who was bored, hot and hungry while hovering about The Difficult Brown’s lair for what felt like centuries yesterday!

For a good chunk of the day yesterday, TMZ had up a live feed of footage outside of Fist Brown’s Palace of Methed-Out Fuckery because people wanted to know if his latest mess was going to end with a Heat-like shootout or if the LAPD was going to take him up on his really tempting offer and siphon a wet doody bubble out of his asshole. (SPOILER ALERT: It ended with the tattooed and tweaked-out Jack Skellington getting arrested.) But before Chris visited his old friends at the police station, he sat outside of his house for forever. The ingrown hair on humanity’s puffy anus ring sat on the ground and talked to his lawyer as the cops searched his house The people watching waited for something to happen and nothing happened. It was like watching a skid mark dry. And one of the dudes in the helicopter capturing all the riveting footage co-signed that.

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Richard Gere (67)
Joe Budden (36)
Jeff Hardy (39)
Shar Jackson (40)
Sara Ramirez (41)
Chris Tucker (45)
Deborah Gibson (46)
Queen Rania of Jordan (46)
Jonathan LaPaglia (47)
Dee Bradley Baker (54)
Gina Schock (57)
Julie Brown (58)
Marcia Clark (63)
Van Morrison (71)

Pic: Herb Ritts/Fashographyscans