Open Post: Hosted By Snookitina

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Meanwhile on the set of Extra at The Grove in L.A. yesterday, Xtina showed us what it would look like if a three way mash-up of Wynonna Judd, Snooki and Hatchet Face starred in a remake of Married to the Mob. This is just a whole lot of bloated DAMN. On a positive note, matching your bra to the bottom of your shoes is always a sign of fine taste.

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Woe Is Wonky

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she’s this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she’s not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic “awesome‘ when she finds out she’ll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she’s just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn’t like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn’t get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara’s ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky’s corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That’s the truth!

Whitney Houston Is Really Trying To Stay Off That Crack Pipe

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

As Bobbaaaaaay B tries to sleep off the drunks on airplanes, Whitney Houston is still trying to kick the urge to suck on a crack pipe until her brain turns to fog. When Whitney started outpatient rehab last month, there were rumors that she was getting help after getting back on that whack shit. Whitney has yet to talk about this. But TMZ says that she’s really trying to keep clean and has hired a life coach to help her.

A source says that Whit just finished up that 30-day outpatient program and is now working with a life coach who is living with her and trying to keep her from dancing something evil in a cloud of crack smoke. The source went on to say, “She really wants it this time.”

Whitney’s singing voice now sounds like a porcupine scooting a fart over a sheet of sandpaper, but I’m sure once this life coach sorts her out she’ll be as good as new!

Take all the time you need, Whit! Pop that crack habit the way Bobby used to pop your doody bubbles! Don’t worry, Maya Rudolph is leaving her family so that she can play you full-time while you get your shit together.

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Aaaaaand This Is Why Photoshop Was Invented

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

But my Photoshop does not want to play nice. It keeps crashing and I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because it doesn’t want to break royal protocol by taking an active role in all the foolish things I’m going to do this picture. When Prince Hot Ginge opens his mouth wide to scream “MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ASS” at a derby, my Photshop’s hands go up while mine go down. The Queen knows what I’m talking about and she wish she didn’t. I will go to TJ Maxx today and find a pocketbook that looks just like The Queen’s. Then I will smack myself with said pocketbook as punishment.

PHG joined Prince William, Duchess Kate, Princess Eugenie, Princess Bea, The Queen and this slut at the Epsom Derby today. The Queen’s horse technically came in third place, but after she ordered first place and second place to the glue factory, it was given the top prize. But I feel like I won the top prize thanks to all these pictures of PHG making pre, during and post orgasm faces. Prince William’s top hat also gets a prize for taking his hotness levels up a few notches by hiding the dried crabgrass garden on his head.

These Whores Cannot Be Serious

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

From one post about a slutty 8-year-old princess ball affair to another. Khloe Kardashian posted dozens of pictures from the backyard party celebrating Kim Kardashian’s staged engagement to that dude who looks like he’s one brain cell away from having one brain cell. This party was also thrown to let Kris Humphries know that whatever identity he had will be erased since none of the pictures show any of his family members and this mess is strictly Kardashian.

This wreck looks like the birthday party Joan Crawford threw for Christina Darling in Mommie Dearest, except Christina was like 6 and Kim is getting too old for this shit. That Cinderella cake is more ridiculous than the fact that Kim has made $35 million from straight whoring.

Those poor glitter ponies. They’re probably wondering why they have glitter up their anuses and have to entertain a bunch of douchebags while fellow horse Khloe gets to drink champagne and party. THIS is the face of a glitter pony who is filled with humiliation from having to pose next to two horse asses.

With all that being, Brucetina Navratilova is looking sexy hot.

The Real Royal Wedding!

June 4, 2011 / Posted by:

While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!

This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).

At the reception, I’m sure CoCo’s camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone’s!Anniversary” while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don “Magic” Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T’s son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo’s mom Tina.

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