David Archuleta Thinks Dude Looks Like A Lady

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

David Archuleta, the always out of breath overgrown fetus from American Idol, was on The Wendy Williams show today and he made the mistake many of us have made a dozen times before: he thought Steven Tyler was a beautiful lady with luscious hair and succulent lips. David tried to play that shit off even though Wendy called him out on it.

And you know Wendy was thinking to herself that she wishes she had Steven Tyler’s problems. Why doesn’t anybody ever mistake her for a woman?!

via ONTD

Afternoon Crumbs

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Johnny Depp makes dreams come true by visiting a school in London as Jack Sparrow. Something tells me that Johnny is about to get a million more letters from 9-year-old English school girls (aka grown ass fangladies trying to trick his ass) – TDW

In the time it takes you to read this post on Jessica Simpson farting and barfing, she will probably fart a dozen times and barf at least once – Lainey Gossip

Paris Hilton just loves taking care of her boyfriend’s daughter. I hope that poor child likes spending hours in the closet surrounded by hungry little dogs – The Superficial

Bar Refaeli in some lingerie photo shoot (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Pour one out for the Persian kitty stuffed toy who gave its hide up so RiRi could have something fluffy to carry around – Hollywood Tuna

Why is Rachel Bilson taking a picture in your old high school choir room? – Popoholic

The Regal Beagle’s wallpaper got a second life as Hilary Swank’s dress – The Berry

Forbes forgot about Chantal Biya and Rojo Caliente Towleroad

Tommy Girl’s right titty looks sad – Popsugar

So I guess Kate Bosworth is still licking on ASkars’ sweet lingonberries – Just Jared

Don’t fall asleep on the subway. Not because you might crack your brains, but because someone will record you doing it – NYC Barstool Sports

Somebody give Hoda Kotb the Q-tip! It’s just Beyonce. It’s not like it’s Basement Baby. – OMG Blog

Juliette Lewis almost met Xenu last night! No, but she was on the bad side of a hit-and-run – ICYDK

Shredding kids – Cityrag

The perfect ad for Quick Trim – Hollywood Rag

The Lost cast will reunite at the Spike TV Awards – I’m Not Obsessed

Billie Piper looking a little Paulina Rubio-ish – Holy Moly!

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Peen Post: The Brett Favre Edition

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Yes, I know you’d rather see the fuck parts of Bret Michaels, or Brett Ratner or even Brett Butler, but genitals are genitals! We have to take what we can get and we have to like it! Bare dick doesn’t land on this page every day (or does it?), so we have to cherish it when it does.

Over at Deadspin, they have an interesting video that tells the story of how sometimes retired NFL quarterback Brett Favre tried to get into the chonies of Jenn Sterge, the “Gameday Host” for the New York Jets. When very married Brett was with the Jets he noticed Jenn one day and just allegedly had to get a piece of her. According to Deadspin, Brett started to woo Jenn on MySpace and eventually started to leave voicemails on her phone. After Jenn turned down Brett’s offer to tackle her nekkid, he stepped it up by pulling his dick out. All the great romances of our time were ignited by peen pics, so you can’t blame Brett for trying.

After the jump is a couple NSFW pictures of what Brett is working with. Deadspin has more pictures and the voicemails. Brett’s face isn’t in any of the pictures, so this really could be anybody’s peen. Because of this, I will refrain from making any “his dick must’ve retired too” jokes. JUMP!

Open Post: Hosted By Happy Keanu

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Did Keanu Reeves just flip the entire world upside down by turning the “Sad Keanu” meme into the “Happy Keanu” meme. Answer: NO. Keanu Reeves only looks like he’s got cartoon birds flying around him, because he’s doing acting stuff on the set of Generation Um in NYC. Yeah, even permanently sadfaced Keanu Reeves can make a fraudulent happyface when he needs to. So Sad Keanu lives on!

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Did These Two Make A Baby?

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Apparently, Kevin Jonas’ parents haven’t told him the birds and the bees yet, because he still thinks that you can make a baby with a girl by singing “Look Out For Mr. Stork” together in a private karaoke room.

Someone tells InTouch Weekly that they watched Kevin Jonas and his wife of 9-months Danielle Deleasa buy a pregnancy test at a Rite Aid in West Hollywood on September 16th. Maybe this witness saw Haylie Duff and a late-in-life lesbian with a perm buy an EPT together. That would make more sense.

A friend of Kevin and Danielle’s had this to say about the pregnant test shit, “They’re mature for their age, and they want to start a family. They’d consider it a major blessing if Danielle was pregnant.”

More like it would be a major blessing for Danielle during divorce settlement negotiations. NO. That’s just me being a bitter asshole again. If this is true, we should celebrate this wonderful news. It’s still a beautiful gift…..even if Danielle only got knocked up by shoving Kevin’s cum rag up her snatch after his visit with Corbin Fisher.

It’s Just A Business Thing

October 7, 2010 / Posted by:

That picture from TMZ of 50 Cent and Chelsea Handler sitting close to each other at a jazz bar in New Orleans isn’t what you think. Not that I really know what you think exactly since that it’s not clear what’s going on in that picture. 50 Cent and Chelsea could be talking about young America’s new love for spaghetti tacos, or they could be deep into a staring contest, or he could be feeding his finger to her pikachu. But according to Chelsea, it’s definitely not the latter. Chelsea went on her Twitter yesterday to set the shit straight and say that 50 Cents is not licking on her erect forehead vein. Chelsea wrote:

Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. There’s nothing to report yet, ill let you know if there is.
about 16 hours ago via ÜberTwitter

A business thing. Riiiiight. I’ve heard that one before. No, I really have. It’s time for another chapter in Michael K’s Non-Adventures in Whoring! So, when I was around 18 or so, I started fucking around with some much older fancy L.A. type who had a fancy job and loved all things fancy. Dude was only running around with me so he could write off our dinners together as charity. On our third and last date, Mr. Fancy took me to some fancy restaurant where fancy people eat fancy shit. We’re standing there waiting for a table when one of Mr. Fancy’s snobby piece of trash friends strolls up wearing PradaDolceGucciVersaceArmani .I thought she was going to charge me for merely looking at her.

The two of them start talking about their stupid fancy lives and their stupid fancy jobs and their stupid stupid stupid fancy stupid stuff. About 5 minutes later, the snobby piece of trash turns to me and says, “Hi, I’m Katrina (or whatever the hell that asshole’s name was).” Then Mr. Fancy goes, “Oh, he works in my office.” WORKS IN HIS OFFICE?! Like I empty his trash cans for a living! Like he’s rewarding me with a fancy dinner because I’m so good at emptying his trash cans and shit!

Now I realize that maybe he didn’t want the fancy people in his fancy circle to know that he’s friendly with a cheap teenage whore from the San Gabriel Valley, but “works in my office”? I would’ve given him the $20 in my wallet to introduce me as “a cheap teenage whore from the San Gabriel Valley.” Shit, I’d still give anybody $20 if they introduced me as “a cheap teenage whore from the San Gabriel Valley.

After she left, he said to me, “Sorry about that. It’s a small town.” No, it’s not, asshole! And it’s not like I wanted to go to that stupid restaurant. I would’ve been happier at fucking El Torito. Well, their sweet corn mash is really good.

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