Would You Hit It?

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

More specifically, would you let him eat it? This is a video tutorial of Dr. Steve Rooster showing the class how he licks the vagina on his Real Doll several times a day.

Obviously, I don’t know the first thing about the art of cunnilingus, but is the vagina supposed to grow fingers and fuck your mouth like that? Also, are you supposed to just let the snatch hang out there while you finger and lick your hand on the side? Does that make a vagina tingle?

That being said, I’d totally hit it. Well, he said “I love you” at the beginning. The dude is a total romantic.

via Buzzfeed

Open Post: Hosted By A Pet High Chair

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

If you’re the pet of a crazed cat or dog person who treats you like a real-life human baby (examples: pushes you in a stroller, dresses you in baby clothes), then direct your hate barks or meows toward Spaghetti Cat, because he’s the one to blame for this ridiculousness right here!

Hammacher Schlemmer has put out a pet high chair/torture device for loontardian cat people who don’t like to eat their Easy Mac with canned tuna dinner by themselves.

And maybe I should order one too since I think I’m one of them. I mean, the first part of this post is an open letter to dogs and cats. Like they can read human words and operate a computer! Yeah, I better choose rush delivery.

via Jezebel

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Take It! Take It! Take It!

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

As if the pictures of the Jersey Shore whores filming in Miami aren’t homoerotic enough, here’s Ronnie looking like he’s biting through the ecstatic pain while getting his butt bone pounded by a friend. From the department of “Face down, ass up, broke down!” Yes, that Kiely Williams song is still overstaying its welcome in my head.

The truth is, Ronnie was getting a tattoo on his down low area while his castmates watched. I’m sure Ronnie got something totally macho and masculine like a tattoo of the phrase “FIST PUMPIN” on his ass cheek.

Fishy Says Real Happiness Is A Fart Joke

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Fishsticks Paltrow is currently shooting a movie in Nashville, and that’s where she first tasted such foreign delicacies like ice cream sundaes and the curiously charming dish known as fried fucking chicken. Fishy wrote about her fascination with the foods of Nashville in her POOP newsletter. Isn’t it fun when the mistress of the manor comes down to the kitchen to eat with the maids and butlers?

In the newest Harper’s Bazaar, Fishy continues to talk about how she gorged on fried deliciousness and the sweet nectar in Nashville. Fishy added a little chunk to her gills due to eating so much common people food. She tells Bazaar, “I was so bad with the food and alcohol in Nashville. If you saw me naked [now] compared to what I looked like when I did Iron Man 2, when I was exercising every day – I’ll get it back together, but I’ve never eaten so much fried food and white flour in my life, ever.

Fishy shouldn’t be so hard on herself. Seeing her fully nekkid ass nekkid would have the same effect on me with or without a little dough on her fins. Hell, I would even feel every kind of nausea if she was sprawled out naked on a bowl of crushed Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies. Or if she was completely naked except for Anderson Cooper’s penis on her head. Okay, I’m lying. I might feel a little twitch in the nip area if she posed with a Mah Boo penis hat on her head.

Since Fishy has been feasting on the food of the gods (aka fried carbs), she probably has been farting like a power bottom after a pass-around-orgy. And it doesn’t bother Fishy at all, because she says she’s happiest when her kid is telling fart jokes. She says, “When you’re having dinner with your kids and your husband and someone says something funny or you’re dying laughing because your 3-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s real happiness.

That it is. Although, her kid is probably just quoting something from GOOP, which is pretty much the equivalent of a fart.

Click here to read the rest of her interview, if you care. Fishy also says she feels sorry for all the paps who get calls from Brangelina first this in the morning to come and shoot their family pap attention Brangelina gets!

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The SATC2 Trailer: Camels, Aiden, And Liza!

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Put down your boyfriend pillow, cancel your morning knitting circle and watch this new trailer for Sex & The City 2: Attack of the Dry Crotch. You’ll get bits of Liza, Penny, Aiden, a hillbilly beaver, camels, spikes and hormone pills! You’ll also get a lot of Sarah Jessica Parker still acting like a 12-year-old girl in a Frank Capra movie. I mean, “We’re not in Kansas anymore“? If my friend said shit like that, I’d slap that bitch in the mouth with an erect carrot and take the next cab out of there. Grow up, Carrie! Stop being such a filly.

It looks like half of this cookie dough fiesta takes place in Abu Dhabi. They didn’t actually film Abu Dhabi, because they couldn’t get permission. They filmed those scenes in Morocco instead.

You know what would probably make a better movie? If the ladies were thrown into prison for spraying their horny cougar scent all over Abu Dhabi. Just like how that British couple was thrown into the chokey for kissing in public in Dubai. It could’ve been like Brokedown Palace meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Rojo Caliente could’ve played a prison warden. SATC2 doesn’t come out until the end of May, so they still have time for re-shoots!

Sandra Bullock Is Taking Care Of Vanilla Gorilla’s Kids

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

TMZ is hearing that Jesse James’ three chirruns aren’t living with him or their mothers. Apparently, they are staying with Sandra Bullock. What does it all mean?!!!!

This is close to being a side-eye situation, because Vanilla Gorilla shares custody of his two older kids with his first wife. VG has primary custody of his younger daughter Sunny, because her mother Janine James lives in a halfway house. Sandra’s rep recently said that she has zero plans to adopt VG’s three kids.

Some seem to think that this means Sandra is open to welcoming VG back into her jungle. But maybe she’s taking care of the kids, because it’s hard for them to do their school work and play with their toys when daddy’s blasting “Horst-Wessel-Lied” from his bedroom.

Hopefully, Cinnabun snuck into one of the kids’ suitcases and is now chilling at Sandra’s safe house.

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