RuPaul’s Drag Race: And Not A Tuck Was Stirring

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

My TV screen was once again covered with Vaseline, rogue wig hairs, sequins, pussy cunt glares and bronze powder dust thanks to the return of RuPaul’s Drag Race (aka Xtina’s favorite beauty tutorial)!!! Last night’s episode was business as usual with a whole new set of queens except for season 2’s Shangela who was pulled out of Ru’s sweat shop wig factory (where all past contestants go to work off their room and board) to twerk her tuck and lip-synch like she’s trying to give Alan Fawcett a boner he won’t ever forget. And once again, Shangela found herself in the bottom bitch 2 with Madonna impersonator Venus D Lite. But Shangela’s sloppy ass deserved it, because she whipped up a shitty Christmas ensemble made of a torn paper lantern and the metallic tree tinsel my abuelita would never let us buy because she was afraid it would electrocute her (Yeah, I don’t even….).

In the clip above, Shangela and Venus lip-synch for their lives in a rumble tumble mess of a battle. Polyester hair flew across the room, boy nipples came popping out, taints slapped the floor and struts were delivered with an extra spark shooting off their bare heels. It was pretty much what Thanksgiving at the Knowles house looks like when Basement Baby goes against Beyonce’s wishes and sits anywhere but the kids table.

Even though Venus D Lite charged at Shangela like Madge chasing after a Brazilian virgin boy, not one inch of dick came creeping out of their panties to call a time out. No tuck came undone! Just like at the Knowles house!

Venus D Lite was eventually sent home to pray before her Immaculate Conception candle that Madge doesn’t upgrade the silicone cutlets in her cheeks. You see, Venus told the queens that she’s had plastic surgery to look like Madge. That’s kind of fucking funny if you think about it, because Madonna had plastic surgery to NOT look like Madonna.

And it goes without saying, but right now my favorites are Stacy Layne Matthews from Black Swamp, North Carolina:

I could watch that ho put that trampoline to the test forever.

And my other favorite is Raja who is best known as Sutan the make-up artist from America’s Next Top Model.

Strangely enough, Raja sort of looks like Tyra Banks in that picture. Well, if Ty Ty’s infintyhead traveled down south, scared her titties away and found a permanent new home on her chest.

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Open Post: Hosted By Cousin Geri

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

This is siren blaring breaking news for those of you who learned everything you need to know about life by watching episodes of The Facts of Life. Geri Jewell, who played Blair Warner’s cousin Geri for a few seasons, has fully come out as a labia-loving lesbian in her new memoir!!! Cousin Geri not only talks about being a gayelle, but she also writes about being the first person with a disability to play a recurring character on TV and how she hit rock bottom when she got into the bad shit.

I’m going to need Lisa Welchel to take a moment from blogging about “hot saucing” her kids to fully address Cousin Geri’s coming out party. I’m also going to need another Facts of Life reunion special where we find out that Cousin Geri and Jo fell in love, moved to Massachusetts and opened up a bike shop/comedy club together.

via After Ellen (Thanks Karman)

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Italy Is Wrapping Itself In A Giant Boot-Shaped Condom Right Now

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Nearly half of the cast of Jersey Whores isn’t Italian and they probably think that The Spaghetti Factory is an authentic Italian gourmet emporium, but that isn’t stopping them from flying over to their “homeland” to shoot season 4. If they pump one first towards Sicily, Sophia Petrillo better rise from her mausoleum to punch all of them in the face with her pocket book.

TMZ’s sources tell them that MTV is about to start looking for the perfect locations in Italy to shoot in. They’re also in the process of trying to get work visas for the cast and crew. Pauly D is reportedly filming his own reality shit show right now, and JWoww and Snooki will start shooting theirs this weekend, so who knows when the worst American export since CROCS will make it to Italy.

For real, this might be the best thing MTV has done since making bitches cry “CHILD PORN” about that Skins shit. Watching Snooki stumble down the boardwalk like an Ewok after doing a pinata spin was started to get boring. But watching Snooki stumble through Vatican City before doing body shots off altar boys with the Pope is going to fart new life into that mess. There’s also a good chance that Italians will feed their souls to Donatella Versace after finding out who they really are. Whatever happens, this is definitely going to end well.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt Is Always Prepared For A Possible Engagement

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

This is what happens when you watch too much Sex and the City, especially any scenes with Charlotte York. Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dating Alex Beh for around 7 months and she tells Ellen (via UsWeekly) that she’s made it extra easy for him if he ever choose to ask her to be his future ex-fiancee. JLove doesn’t care if the dude promises to be with her no matter how many shit Lifetime movies she does. All she cares about is the ring. JLove, who puts the rat in desperate, already has 3 rings picked out.

“I actually have three because I feel like I’m doing the guy a favor. Women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we’re not very good at nailing that down for them. I feel like I don’t want to be upset if he picks a bad ring.

If it gets to that conversation. If marriage comes up, I’m like, “You know what’s so weird. There is this store [Tiffany’s] and there are three rings in it… And if you chose one of these three, I’m going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?”

You know what really makes an awful, awkward moment? Telling your boyfriend that you’ve already picked out three engagement rings and he’ll make the biggest mistake of his life if he doesn’t choose one of them. Hopefully, the people at Tiffany’s have Alex’s back if he decides to go there. They’ll show him the three stupid rings as well as a diamond noose and a diamond vajazzle kit to give to JLove as a break-up gift. Just so he knows what all of his options are.

OctoMom Turns Down A Check

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Steve Hirsch of the porn company Vivid Entertainment has long been trying to get OctoMom on his payroll. When the word foreclosure started winking at Octo’s house in La Habra, CA, Steve offered her $1 million if she wrapped her water noodle lips around a peen on camera. Octo clutched her crucifix and cried out that she could never ever go against her morals by doing porn. Steve then offered Octo a behind-the-fuck-scenes job with a salary and benefits. Octo once again made eyes roll when she declared that will never accept cum-stained money from a pussy and peen peddler. Steve must have a thing for crazy bitches and down-trodden wombs, because he then sent Octo a no strings attached (so he says) check for her mortgage payment. Proving that “common sense” is her worst enemy, Octo never cashed the check and she sent it back. Each one of Octo’s octuplets is spitting out a saliva letter this morning and the final message to their mom reads: D-U-M-B-F-U-C-K.

Octo tells Radar that no matter how bad things get, she won’t ever turn to porn for help: “Vivid Video sent me a check for the mortgage, and I sent it back. I don’t take money from porn pushers, and I never will. So far I have turned down more than a million dollars from Vivid Video even though I almost lost my home and I believe that makes a clear statement of how I feel towards that type of industry.”

Speaking of “that type of industry,” Octo also regrets making the half-assed fetish video you talked about in detail with your therapist last week. Octo said, “I was horrified at the end result, and it was not presented as they had promised.” THIS BITCH! When they pulled 8 babies out of her body, did they also pull out all her brain cells? She was stuffed into a black corset with her titties out and she whipped a grown man in a diaper. Did she think it was going to be a segment on Sesame Street? There are some perverted hos who push out an orgasm when they spot a wool scarf, so of course there’s going to be bitches fapping to Octo’s dumb fetish video. I swear. Bitch needs to get over herself. And somebody needs to make her babies the executors of her life, because it would make things a lot easier.

Octo’s babies would never send back a check when they are thisclose to holding a “Will Coo 4 Leche” sign in front of an Albertsons. Who sends back a check, anyway? As soon as a check comes in the mail, I deposit that bitch like it’s a peen and the ATM is my no-no. I don’t care if depositing it signs me up for a credit card or if the check has “non-negotiable” stamped on top of it, I”ll deal with that later. All I care about is seeing my balance creep up….even if it is for a hot second.

Did Mo’Nique Shave Her Legs???!???

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Maybe the Purecaf I inject directly into my temples every morning has yet to hit my brain, but is that a fresh field of stubble on Mo’Nique’s legs at the Oscar nomination ceremony in Beverly Hills this morning? Mo’Nique has long been a champion for the “FUCK RAZORS movement, so there must be a good reason for why she let a lady BIC scoot against her body. And by a “good reason” I mean A CHECK with a bountiful amount of zeros on it. I’d like to think that Mo’Nique didn’t make it easy. They had to hold Mo’Nique down on a sticky bed of NADS, play Jewel’s “Intuition backwards and threaten her with an Epilator if she didn’t let them shave her legs.

About that Epilator, one day we’ll have to talk about all the unfortunate experiences I’ve had with that devil tool. But I don’t know if we’ll ever get to have that conversation. The world is definitely changing for the worst now that Mo’Nique is no longer shampooing and conditioning her leg fur every evening.

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