Megan Fox Is Practically A Virgin

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Those of you who think that Megan Fox’s vagina eats a different penis for breakfast, lunch and dinner need to think again! For your information, Megan’s chocha only knows the taste of two peens and two peens only. Megan isn’t a dirty slut, she just plays one in the media.

In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK (via NYDN), Megan says that contrary to what’s written about her on every bathroom wall from here to Delphia she’s not a slut at all. According to Megan, she’s only been with two dudes: “I’ve only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian (aka David from Beverly Hills 90210). I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.

Okay, so Megan’s got her nun costume on today. Role-playing is fun, isn’t it? We can play along….

Megan also said that instead of squirting jizz out of dicks, she’s squirting frosting on cupcakes at home. Yes, she’s a regular June Cleaver and devoted stepmother, “I am a stepmother to the fullest extent. I have looked after Kassius since he was three and he has no memory of life without me. For some reason, no one wants to look at me that way, but I am responsible [for him] and I’ve never struggled with that, from bedtime stories to the school run.”

But Megan blames herself for why some look at her as a man-eating whore, “My biggest regret is that I’ve assisted the media in making me into a cartoon character. I don’t regret what has happened to me, but I regret the way I have dealt with it.

So there you have it. Go ahead and remove Megan’s place setting from the slut’s table. More peen for all of us!

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What In The….?

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Life & Style never ever fail me. They have topped themselves this week. Seriously, they should submit this to the Whitney Biennial.

For this week’s cover story, Life & Style brought in a few “experts” (aka anybody who answered the phone when they called) to discuss why St. Angie Jo is making 3-year-old Shiloh look like your lesbian junior high school gym teacher who you ran into once at the grocery store when she was with her girlfriend. They are basically calling Shiloh “Chaz Bono Jr. because she has a Sandy Duncan haircut and wears polo shirts. Somebody give me a wall to bang my head against.

And the quotes from these experts must have been written by Christopher Guest. Just picture Jennifer Coolidge or Catherine O’Hara saying this mess and it might make it less frustrating and more hilarious (not really):

Alana Kelen, senior fashion stylist at VH1: “Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to cross-dresser territory.”

Gili Rashal-Niv, celebrity stylist: “I get that times are tough but does Angie really need to have Shiloh sharing clothes with her brothers? Hopefully we won’t be seeing Maddox in one of Shiloh’s dresses any time soon.”

Glenn Stanton, director of Family Formation Studies at the conservative organization Focus on the Family: “They need help, they need guidance of what that looks like. It’s important to teach our children that gender distinction is very healthy.”

Karen Deerwester, parenting coach:Giving preschool-age children the freedom and flexibility to experiment with how they want to be seen in the world is a wonderful gift.

So Shiloh is a cross-dressing 3-year-old because she likes to wear Bugle Boy jeans? We really need saving. I’m not even close to being a member of the delusional gang called the Brangaloonies, but I doubt St. Angie or Billy Goat Brad forced Shiloh to cut her hair. Kids wear what kids want to wear. Posh & Becks’ boys are always going around in straight-up costumes and nobody is ringing the CPS alarm on them. I mean, when I was her age I wore a kangaroo costume out in public and put barrettes in my curly fro. And I turned out completely norma- Wait, that’s a terrible example. Strike that from the record.

This Is Our Future, Part 8

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

For those of you who watch the hilarious abomination known as Toddlers & Tiaras, this is probably going to be tame for you. This is 8-year-old Laura Fontana goo-goo ga-ga-ing as Lady GaGa on a Brazilian TV talent show while her mother (surprisingly, not a Cyrus) cheered her on backstage. Creepy crawling aside, Laura sounds exactly like my mother trying to sing along to a Lady GaGa song in the car while I stick my head out of the window to escape the madness.

By the way, why is Santy Claus cheering this on?! This is not how I envisioned him spending his off-season. STOP YOURSELF, Santy Claus! Get your nasty ass back to the North Pole to answer the letter I wrote you when I was 6-years-old (okay, I was really 26-years-old).

And just to be on the safe side, you might want to throw your browser’s cookies in the trash after watching this or PedoBear may come a sniffin’. Better yet, just throw your entire computer in the trash and get a new one. I’ll save you a place in the line at Best Buy.

via The Daily What (Thanks, I guess, to everyone who sent this in)

It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before Hollywood Murdered This One

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Since the Gilligan’s Island reality show (starring Rachel Fucking Hunter as Ginger) failed to fully murder the memory of Gilligan’s Island, the executioners of Hollywood are going to have another go at it. They have loaded up their shot guns and released Gilligan’s Island into the yard! Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that Warner Bros. is developing a feature film version of Gilligan’s Island.

The show’s original producer Sherwood Schwartz will executive produce the remake with his son Lloyd. Brad Copeland (who wrote a few episodes of Arrested Development) will write the script. They hope to start production next year depending on whether or not Brad is done with the script. Variety says the characters will be brought into modern day. Yup, just throw your childhood on a boat for a 3-hour tour and wave goodbye.

Okay, I’ll take off my cape and stop being so dramatic. We all knew this was going to happen, and honestly maybe it won’t be that awful (yes, it will). The only way it won’t suck harder than a gay fish at a glory hole is if they follow my casting advice:

Gilligan: STAINS, Quween of the Scene or Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
The Skipper: Kirstie Alley’s fupa, this dog, Kevin Smith
Thurston Howell III: Bernie Madoff, Rip Torn or the baby from Benjamin Button
Lovey Howell: Ruth Madoff, Rip Torn in a wig or Lindsay Lohan
Ginger: Phoebe Price (DUH), Rojo Caliente or Christina Hendricks (my only serious one)
Mary Ann: Suri Cruise, Kimmy Gibbler or Amy Winehouse
The Professor: Tim Gunn, Pete Doherty or a permanently topless Hugh Jackman
The Smoke Monster: Vadge’s queefs…oh wait, that’s a different show.

Naomi Campbell Is Off The Hook For Using Her Right Hook

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

The city of Manhattan was shut down yesterday evening and everybody was ordered to stay indoors after Naomizilla allegedly punched her driver and then fled the scene when he called the fuzz. The 27 year-old driver said Naomi punched him in the back of the head while he was driving causing him to hit the steering wheel. Oh shit. Naomi is just like your grandmother! When nana tells you to make a right into the Denny’s parking lot, you make a right or she’ll beat you with her shoe.

Shortly after the incident, Naomi’s assistant went down to the precinct to speak to the police. Naomi’s rep issued this statement:

“There shouldn’t be a rush to judgment. There is more to the story than meets the eye.”

The story didn’t meet the eye. Naomi’s fist did! I love the way publicists talk.

This morning, the New York Times reports that the police are no longer interested in speaking with Naomi. They have closed the case and no charges will be filed. It might be safe for New Yorkers to roam the street again. However, you might want to carry some kind of drugstore-bought toner with you just in case. Supermodels are allergic to anything sold under fluorescent lighting.

The police probably closed the file on this one when Naomi sent them a blood-stained Blackberry with the note: “Just a lil’ reminder xoxoNa-Na“. Even the police want to sleep with both eyes closed at night.

A Peek Inside Candy Spelling’s Manor Of Loneliness

March 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Candy Spelling was gracious enough (you can see my eyes rolling from there, can’t you?) to let the cameras inside her charming 50,000 square foot mansion called The Manor. Yes, 50 fucking thousand square feet. That’s almost big enough to hold Kanye West’s ego. Almost.

After watching this clip, I realized that Candy’s ridiculous house and my Brooklyn apartment aren’t that different. Candy has a gift wrapping room. I have a Walgreens plastic bag filled with old gift wrapping scraps. Candy has a China room. I have a cupboard in my kitchen where I keep my Chinet plates. Candy modeled her grand entrance after Tara from Gone with the Wind. My bath tub is so dirty it looks like it barely survived the burning of Atlanta. Candy has a bowl of matching jelly beans in every room. I have an old bag of jelly beans from three Easters ago that I still pick at when I get depressed. SEE! We all have our own The Manor.

And Candy has a room for absolutely everything, but she didn’t say where she houses her SANITY. Hmm. Maybe she keeps that in her $47 million penthouse.

Source: Shine via Jezebel

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