What In The Madame Hell Did Jenny McCarthy Do To Her Face?

August 16, 2010 / Posted by:

Jenny McCarthy will slap the shit out of any vaccine you point at her child, and she needs to start doing the same thing to any needle her plastic surgeon points at her mug. At the Midsummer Night’s Dream party in Las Vegas this past weekend, Jenny showed up looking like the Scream mask after getting a makeover at Glamour Shots.

If Jenny thinks she’ll win Jim Carrey back if she turns herself into the female Stanley Ipkiss, somebody needs to show her a different way. Key his new girlfriend’s car or crawl into his bed in the middle of the night like a normal person does! Leave the face alone!

Lindsay Lohan Will Be Released Back Into The Wild Any Day Now

August 16, 2010 / Posted by:

Hide yo 8-balls, hide yo vials of back alley collagen, hide yo key to the booze cabinet and hide yo everything, because Lindsay Lohan’s cage at UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital might be opened sometime this week. White Oprah just lifted her head off a toilet somewhere and let out a giant exhale (smells like T.G.I.Friday’s Mud Slides and Vicodin mash), because her top-tier ho will be back on the stroll.

Several sources tell TMZ that Lindsay Lohan’s doctors at UCLA have determined that she’s not bi-polar and her hunger for Adderall isn’t as serious as they originally thought. The doctors are currently writing their final report on LiLo, and they will most likely suggest to the judge that she be released into outpatient care sometimes this week. They don’t think that LiLo’s issues require more inpatient care. If the judge approves, LiLo’s 90-day rehab sentence will be cut short and they will let go of her leash!

Okay, so if LiLo isn’t every brand of crazy and she isn’t a major Adderallhead, what the hell is her excuse then? Basically, she’s just naturally a delusional leather bag of self-entitlement? That makes sense. The doctors probably made this official medical decision after watching White Oprah on Today last week. It’s genetic! Nothing they can do.

Or maybe there’s more to this. Since the state of California is thisclose to asking Suze Orman to make them a weekly budget on an Excel spreadsheet, they probably figure that before they do that they can let LiLo out and then tax the shit out of the bad shit. Maybe the Lohan family will pull them out of the red! So you can blame LiLo if CA starts taxing crack and meth.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 13th!

August 16, 2010 / Posted by:

Finally, proof that White Oprah really was a Rockette. – MMMPhill

Runners-up:

It’s so comforting to know that Jesus and his disciples,Peter, John, Matthew, Thomas, James welcomed Patrick Swayze into heaven with the pizazz and style he is accustomed to. – seejaneclick

Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt spared no expense or hairspray when he hired the finest team of home health nurses to welcome Zsa Zsa home. – seejaneclick

The Nicolas Cage Wig Collection failed to bring in the numbers on QVC – SwollenSwell

(Thanks Autumn)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 16, 2010 / Posted by:

The Cami Secret, it’s like the sexy version of the Dickey! The Vaginaey, if you will!

Are you tired of your boss motorboating you with his eyes when he’s standing over your desk while going over some very important documents and can’t be bothered to put on a full camisole in the morning (putting on clothes is really hard, so I understand your pain)? Well, this is the completely useless product for you! The Cami Secret attaches to your bra strap and allows you to show off as much or as little of your titty crevice as you want!

While watching this ridiculous mess of a commercial last night (see below), the first thing that came on my mind is that Aretha Franklin couldn’t even use the Cami Secret as a burp bib for ONE of her nipples! I guess if Aretha ever wanted to commit an illegal act by covering up her magnificent chichis of wonder, she’d have to use a couple of my abuelita’s oval lace tablecloths.

And I think I figured out the real use for the Cami Secret. If you accidentally leave your panties on your one night stand’s living room floor and don’t want to go into work Lohan-style, just make yourself a DIY thong using the Cami Secret and tampon strings. Voila!

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Birthday Sluts

August 16, 2010 / Posted by:

Madonna (52)
Rumer Willis (22)
Shawn Pyfrom (24)
Cam Gigandet (28)
Vanessa Carlton (30)
Emily Robison (38)
Donovan Leitch (43)
Christine Cavanaugh (47)
Steve Carell (48)
Timothy Hutton (50)
Laura Innes (51)
Angela Bassett (52)
James Cameron (56)
Kathie Lee Gifford (57)
Dee Hoty (58)
Lesley Ann Warren (64)
Julie Newmar (77)
Eydie Gormé (79)
Frank Gifford (80)

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Happy Early Birfday, Vadge!

August 15, 2010 / Posted by:

For a while there, Vadge’s face resembled a shellacked plate of chicken parm an Italian restaurant displays in their front window to lure in tourists. So it’s nice to see that the pores on her face are breathing in real oxygen with the rest of us!! Yay.

It’s also nice to see that she’s the one holding on to the crucifix. Usually the town’s children are the ones holding the crucifix at Vadge’s face when she gallops into the square on Baby Jesus’ back. Yay, the encore.

Here’s Vadge celebrating her 52nd birthday a couple of day early at Shoreditch House in London with two of her children, Lourdes and Baby Jesus.

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