Uwe Mitzscherlich and Cecilia, the 39-year-old German with a curly mullet and the cat he married after finding out she is not long for this world. Jennifer Aniston, this one goes out to you!
Uwe (or “EWWW” as Cecilia calls him) has lived with his pussy friend for almost 10 years and was broken in the heart when the vet told him that she would not live much longer. So Uwe decided he wanted to force her into a marriage with him before she went off to the great big litter box in the sky. Uwe said, “Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed.”
Cut to Cecilia throwing a “I only do Q-tips” side-eye while thinking to herself, “I’m not THAT trusting.” I’m hoping that Uwe did not get black and white pussy on his wedding night.
Since Uwe doesn’t have any friends who speak human words, he hired an actress to officiate the beautiful ceremony in his backyard. The marriage is not legal in Germany, but it’s legal in Uwe’s heart and that’s all that matters.
So if you’re a divorce attorney in Germany and get a call from a cat who can’t stop meowing, you now know who it is and what she wants.
Click here to see the video of this holy catrimony.
Pia Zadora (56)
Little Boots (26)
Lance Bass (31)
Erin Andrews (32)
Will Arnett (40)
Ana Gasteyer (44)
Randy Travis (51)
Lynne Spears (55)
Oleta Adams (57)
Michael Barrymore (58)
Jackie Jackson (59)
Richard Jenkins (63)
Roger Rees (66)
Katherine Jackson (80)
David Boreanaz is coming clean about cumming on another woman who wasn’t his wife. David slid into the confessional at People Magazine and admitted to cheating on his wife of 9 years, Jaime Bergman, with a trick he refused to name.
David said that he decided to open up, because the side-piece in question threatened to air her crotch to the media if he didn’t stuff her mouth with six figures. Last year, Star Magazine claimed that David was fucking around with mistress whore to the stars Rachel Uchitel, but he wouldn’t say if she’s the one trying to snatch cash out of his hands.
Here’s David’s statement to People:
“Our marriage has been tainted with my infidelities. I just want to be open and honest. I was irresponsible. I was associated with a woman who I was involved with and had a relationship with. She asked for money. I felt as though I was being blackmailed or there was some sort of extortion.”
David also said that he and his wife are working on their marriage.
Of course, TMZ is saying that Gloria Allred is the trick whore’s attorney. Their sources say that David did illegal fucky times with the ho two or three times. David paid her several thousand dollars to keep quiet, but she kept asking for more. The side-piece then hired Gloria Allred who rang up David’s lawyer and demanded 6 figures for her client’s silence. And that’s why David went public. It’s not extortion if it’s done by a lawyer. Duh!
For being a joke, Gloria Allred is NO JOKE. Gloria can sniff celebrity jizz spilling out of a mistress’ snatch from a mile away! Fuck, topical ointments! Gloria Allred is truly a whore’s best friend. Even though Gloria Allred lost this latest battle, she should still be named the GRAND PIMP at this year’s Players Ball. Bitch is turning tricks out to the tune of millions! Play on, play on…
UPDATE: Radar is claiming that the mistress trying to get money out of David was indeed Rachel Uchitel. Gloria and Rachel are the Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid of this generation!
This married couple is still married but it is pretty much for show. She is an A list singer who drags her husband out of the house for shopping and things. The only reason she is keeping him around is because she has a new album coming out and doesn’t want to talk about marriage. She doesn’t wear her wedding ring even when they are out together. She makes him sleep in the guest house or at his friends. Meanwhile she has “friends” who come stay with her. (CDAN)
Xtina and her bat boy-looking husband Jordan Bratman? There must be a reasonable explanation for this. They don’t sleep in the same together, because Bat Boy prefers to get his Zzzs while hanging upside down in a tree in the backyard.
NO! Vadge would never leave her coffin without bathing in hot wax and covering her body with the pelts of a dozen obese fetuses. Iggy Pop does not give a beef jerky fuck that he’s walking around looking like he was just exhumed after hundreds of years. Who cares if the worms are still wiggling under his skin! Iggy’s got this!
Here’s Iggy literally melting for his fans while performing in London last night. That theater probably smelled like boiled embalming fluid, muddled raisins, pork fat fresh off the bone and the tears from a million scared children. Basically it smelled like Freddy Krueger getting a skin graft underneath a McDonald’s heat lamp.
And just for the record, I sooo would. WELL, I’m sure his dick looks like a pork rind and you know how I always buy a bag of those when I go on a road trip.
If you stuck a wick up Vadge’s nostril she would fit right in on the pages of the Yankee Candle catalog. No wonder she’s holding up a crucifix in most of these pictures, because Interview Magazine called upon the powers of the lord when they forced their Photoshopping slaves to work 24-hours a day on this shit. They used every tool imaginable to make Vadge look like she has the skin of a newborn mannequin fresh out of the factory. Beyond. Photoshop. Fuckery.
Their sleepless nights working on this mess paid off, because this is the hottest I’ve seen her look in CENTURIES! The old bitch is showing her soon-to-be victims that she isn’t your ordinary vampire. Don’t try to burn her skin with a crucifix when she’s eating the baby hairs on your nutsack, because it’s not going to work.