Everyone’s getting thrown into handcuffs today (not really)! Ice-T was arrested in NYC today and not for smuggling an extinct unicorn princess (aka CoCo) or anything like that. Ice-T was busted for driving under a suspended license and not wearing a seat belt while behind the wheel. TMZ says that Ice-T and CoCo were taking their dog Spartacus to the vet for knee surgery when the cop pulled them over. Ice-T was released a quick minute later and he immediately unleashed his fury on his Twitter:
Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 Made the arrest of his bullshit career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice T for no seatbelt..
8 minutes ago via TweetDeck
Officer Scout dun goofed up and consequences will never be the same! Seriously, CoCo’s “not the one” camel toe is seething with rage and is out for punk bitch rookie cop blood! Don’t be surprised if you happen to witness CoCo’s camel toe coughing up a police badge with the number 10026 on it. Just keep walking. You don’t want to get involved.
(Image via Bauer Griffin)
I always knew there was a Doogie Howser at the beginning of every DOUBLE COMPLETE RAINBOW, and now here’s proof. It’s so bright! It’s so vivid! It’s so intense! It’s making me cry! And I’m not talking about the double rainbow either. This hot bitch knows.
When Lindsay Lohan showed up to court this morning to begin her role in CAGED HEAT: FUCK U, somebody threw a bunch of glittery confetti all over her. Maybe it was Cookie Puss and Fudgie the Whale simultaneously blowing their loads. Or maybe Stuart V. Goldberg was there to say goodbye and he sneezed as she walked by. Probably the latter.
Not much happened in court today. LiLo showed up a few minutes late and put on one of her signature bitchefaces as Judge Marsha told her on-and-off-again lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley that there would be no house arrest (ala Parasite Hilton) or work order. LiLo will have to serve her entire sentence in the cokey (typo, but I’ll keep it for her), but it looks like she’ll only serve around 23 days due to overcrowding.
Judge Marsha ordered that all cameras shut their eyes while LiLo be taken into custody, so sadly there’s no pictures of her being dragged away in cuffs. You’ll have to find something else to use as your wallpaper this week.
And since White Oprah and LiLo were practically wearing the same thing, I was hoping that the bailiff would take both of them away to make sure they got the right Lohan. That means White Oprah will be loudly weeping and moaning on the famewhore stroll for the next few months. We all lose.
The only reality show Aubrey O’Day should be on is Animal Cops, because of all the fuckery she has put Ginger O’Day (the bitch on the far left) through. If the picture above moved, you’d see Ginger blinking a message in Morse code with her eyes. Bitch would be like: “H-E-L-P-M-E-E-E-E”. But I’m sure we’ll see Ginger’s blink for help in Aubrey’s new reality show for Oxygen. Yes, Aubrey is getting her own reality show, because giving hand jobs to any dude in a suit will eventually pay off for some hos (I’m still handjobbing away….)!
The press release from Oxygen is hilarious. White Oprah must be writing press releases in her spare time:
“Young women have watched the ups and downs of Aubrey through the years, and they continue to cheer her on. We’re excited to deliver her story as she battles the issues that resonate with our audience, from self-doubt and body image to an intense desire for success and redemption.”
More like we’ve watched Aubrey go from having a normal face to looking like a bronzer-covered goiter ripped off of Kim Kardashian’s taint. And who is sitting in Aubrey’s cheer section? Okay, Ginger is, but only because she’s trying to escape by crawling between the bleacher seats.
The Linda Lovelace biopic isn’t going to start shooting until Lindsay Lohan finishes up her jail sentence and 90 days in rehab, but the movie’s director is already talking about all the shots he has planned for us. Director Matthew Wilder tells Radar that LiLo will bare her carniceria in that shit. Cut to your eyeballs screaming: “Been there, done that, still have the barf film on my retinas.”
Matthew says, “There will be full frontal nudity. But it will not be cinematic nudity – it will be more violent nudity. For example, linked images of the Vietnam war – that kind of context. It’s not a porn movie, it’s an artistic movie about a porn star. We will not see Lindsay performing oral sex, but there could be some clever play with black boxes or other cinematic tricks that the viewer may see.”
The fuck? Cinematic nudity? So I guess we won’t see sweeping shots of LiLo’s crotch critters galloping along her labia as a John Williams score swells to a climax. Instead we’ll get shots of her clit and cooch lips reenacting scenes from Platoon (aka Plapoon). Are we sure Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom aren’t producing this mess?
And “Mel, you hit the baby” is the new “A dingo ate mah baby!” After taking a few days off from attacking the public with Mel Gibson’s voice, Radar has launched a SIXTH tape (you can listen to it here) in their never-ending “What Women Want? Dickcapitation” miniseries. Your ears haven’t been violated by Mel’s voice in a while, so you should shove a freshly burnt toothpick in there to get them ready. Foreplay.
In this one, Oksana Grigorieva once again accuses Mel of punching her and their baby. Mel never comes out and admits it, but he does scream at her, “I want my child, and no one will believe you!” That’s also what the Boogeyman said to the mother right before he grabbed her baby and escaped into the underworld beneath the bed. Every fictional and non-fictional villain has just announced their retirement, because they cannot compete with Mel’s evilness.
Here’s one of Mel’s maniacal monologues from the tape which should replace his “OUR FREEDOM” speech in Braveheart.
“You need a kick up the ass for being a bitch cunt gold digging whore with a pussy son! And I want my child and no one will believe you. So fuck you! I’m not giving you my house and you can rot! Unless you crawl back, suck my cock and say you’re sorry! In that order! Do you understand me? You fucking offend my fucking maleness! My masculinity! My being! My soul! And you call me a sinner? You are a fucking moving violation. If you get raped, it’s your fault for showing off your fake tits like they’re some special deal. How much did they cost, those fakers?! You complain about Mastitis? They are fake, baby! Come on you’ve got bladders in there, are you crazy?”
I wasn’t sure if he called her fake breasts “bladders” but it worked for me, so I went with it.
And I love how he screamed, “IN THAT ORDER!” So if OctoSana crawled back, said she was sorry and then sucked his cock….that wouldn’t work for him? That’s some “Simon Says” shit! The picky fucking cuntmonster.