I can think of so many ways to pay tribute to Kurt Cobain (examples: don’t wash your hair, cuddle with a flannel, pose in a picture with RuPaul), but posting a masturbatory imitation of him on YouTube is not one of them. But that’s exactly what Jared Leto did yesterday on the 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Jared wrote on his blog that years ago when they were making a movie about Kurt’s life, he made an audition tape that never touched a casting director’s desk. Jared chose yesterday as the perfect day for him to share his Kurt Cobain impersonation with the world!
Damn. Save it for the Liberty High School afternoon talent show, Jordan Catalano! If you get somebody to throw a compact at your head, Jared would sort of not really look like Kurt, but that voice. THAT VOICE. Jared sounds more like Ma from Ma’s Roadhouse hawking a loogie into a lawn mower motor (that’s actually a compliment).
Oh, and that stand-alone ATM machine receipt with random numbers scribbled on the back with a faded BIC pen that somebody slid under Jared’s door this morning is actually an invoice from Courtney Love.
We’d expect nothing less from the forever elegant crystal unicorn princess and she knows this. So Mimi said “Poof!” to Vogue, dismissed Vanity Fair and instead chose to bare her overgrown butterfly cocoon for the cover of the tastemaking periodical of class that is Life & Style Weekly. When we all think of the words “life” and “style,” we automatically think of double knocked up Mimi airing her lamb pit out while wearing a wavy hair bra, so this is a perfect fit.
Mimi gets nekkid ass nekkid for her drivers license photo, so we knew this day was coming. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that Mimi would save it for a limited-edition Lisa Frank folder sold in select Walgreens, but this is a good second choice.
Mimi tells Life & Style that even though she wasn’t feeling totally camera ready fresh (Can I get an extra sparkly “HO, PLEASE”?), she knew she wanted to share this special Care Bear Stare with the world, so she dropped her pink satin marabou robe, brought her best eyebrow game and worked it like an Awkward Family Photos desk calendar model. Mimi cooed this out after the shoot:
“I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience. My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.
The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl — clearly she’s a diva in training! We didn’t start shooting until 1:30 a.m. because I was in the hospital from the night before until the day of the shoot with contractions five minutes apart!
Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who’ve had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother’s Day once a week!”
Why do I have a feeling that knocked up hos everywhere are going to request “The Mimi Set-Up” at Glamour Shots and Sears Portrait Studios all around the country? Sears better stock extra clip-on polyester falls just in case. Speaking of, that hair sort of makes Mimi look like what happened after Lady totally swallowed the Tramp’s noodle and more.
And no, we don’t need a Mother’s Day once a week, but we definitely need a Mimi Gets Naked Day once a week, because this is a refined work of understated art (add an “f” to art if you feel the need).
I’m joking, I’m joking, so sit on a Cool Ranch Cheeto (do they make that???) and spare your CAPS LOCK key.
In her recent performances on Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Brit Brit Spears moved like her feet were stuck in a giant pot of Velveeta grits that Daddy Spears forgot to stir. Hard grit feet is what I like to call it. But in the first of two videos for “Till the World Ends” (which is a prequel, sequel or somethingquel to “I’m A Slave For Chu“), Brit Brit actually dances like her limbs aren’t made of frozen Slim Jims. Yes, I’m playing nice, but only because every time I pour a cup of cuntilizer on the Louisiana trailer park weed flower, a Starbucks barista drops a spit ball into my Venti Frapp. Contrary to what’s written on the men’s bathroom wall of the Walt Whitman rest stop on the NJ Turnpike, I can only swallow so many random person spit balls in one sitting.
Just like in “I’m A Slave For You,” a bunch of lubed up, greased down hot dancers thump their bodies like they’ve got imaginary defibrillator pads pressed against their chests while Brit Brit whips her weave around. But instead of taking place in an abandoned Thai whorehouse, this shit goes down in John Travolta’s underground end-of-the-world Scientology bunker (complete with black leather and Crisco-covered man nipples). This video would make so much more sense if it was John Travolta in that red catsuit bumpin’ his crotch in the middle of a bunch of caramel dipped Twinkies. Maybe Brit is saving that for the second version.
And Ke$ha DID have to co-write this song. I swear, that Garbage Pail Puta is like a herp wart on my ear drums. The more I try to scratch it out, the bigger and oozier it gets.
When Mariah and Nick advertised for a nanny for the twins, they typed “above average intellect” but the iPhone posted “a blood savage insect”. – ditquoi
Black Eyed PLEASE make it stop. – CokeyBloke
You should’ve known there’d be bugs in Beyonce’s old wigs. – OurMissC
Luna, the cow in Germany who is in leap closer to actually jumping over the moon! 15-year-old Regina Meyer had a cow, wanted a horse and so she turned that cow into a damn horse! Sort of. When Regina’s parents said NEIN to her wish for an expensive ass horse, she looked outside her window, started into Luna’s side-eye of uncertainty and got the kind of idea you usually only see in Hallmark Hall of Fame movies. Regina spent hundreds of hours slowly training Luna to get used to human contact and not freak out when she got on her back. Regina used treats and sweet coo-ing to woo Luna into submission. Fun fact: This is exactly how Victoria Prince got KFed to let her ride on top.
Once Regina was able to ride Luna without any problems, she then began to teach her how to gallop and do simple tricks. To make an udderly long (it’s too early to GONG me, you’ll wake the neighbors) story short, Luna understands the commands “go,” “stand” and “gallop.” After two years of training Luna can leap just like a horse. Luna is like the BABE of cows! Here’s Luna in action! Luna can make whipped cream on her own (remember what I said about that GONG)!
From now on, any stupid ass celebwhore who feels the need to commit “Over the Moon” abuse when they’ve got a womb full of fetus, can’t do so until they’ve gotten on top of Luna and jumped over a cardboard moon (or a naked KFed, whichever is available).
(For Amanda, Jill and everybody else who sent this in)
Paul Rudd (42)
Diora Baird (28)
Tim Hasselcrack (33)
Myleene Klass (33)
Candance Cameron Bure (35)
Zach Braff (36)
Joel West (36)
Ari Meyers (42)
Marilu Henner (59)
John Ratzenberger (64)
Barry Levinson (69)
Billy Dee Williams (74)
André Previn (82)