Kourtney Kardashian Is A Mother

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

There’s good news and horrific news. The good news it that we no longer have to hear every single gory detail about Kourtney Kardashian’s adventures in pregnancy. The horrific news is that we now have to hear about her adventures in baby raising, because E! Online says that Kourtney and her asshole boyfriend Scott Disick are now parents to a baby boy. Kourtney’s spokesbitch made the announcement just one hour after she gave birth. Doing it like a true famewhore does.

Kourtney and Scott’s new son weighed in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and he now goes by the name Mason Dash Disick. Or “You Poor Thing” to the rest of us. Dash isn’t only the ham in Kourtney’s last name, but it’s also the name of the clothing store she owns with her family.

I really feel for Baby Dash Dick Stick. Kourtney is a dumb fuck, and Scott has roofie eyes, so I can’t even imagine dealing with those two on a daily basis.

Baby Dash is probably trying to find a way to switch himself with a Baby Alive doll. If you see Kourtney on the cover of Life & Style with a Baby Alive, don’t say SHIT. For the sake of Baby Dash’s sanity, just let her believe!

Sienna Miller Disappoints Me

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don’t like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law’s penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut’s vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn’t keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: “Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again.”

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn’t know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna’s bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she’s got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

Ask A Prostitution Whore

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

Have you ever wanted to know how long a polite lady waits before wiping the cum off her body after a bukkake orgy? Or if you should say “excuse me” after your snatch sneezes during sex? Well, today is your lucky day! Because Ashley Dupre, the pussy peddler who brought down Eliot Spitzer, got her own advice column on The New York Post. Somewhere in the world, Rachel Uchitel is pitching a wedding show to Oxygen.

Here’s a sample of Dear Crabby’s work:

My girlfriend says she doesn’t like porn. Is she lying? — David K, 36, TriBeCa

Some women don’t like porn and some love it. I’m not big into it myself. But I must say, I was buying the Liberator [sex aid] and I was watching the demonstration video for all the different positions and I was thinking about my boyfriend at the time, and it got me super turned on . . . just thinking about him and us, and exploring all the different positions on this thing.

Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say “I can’t wait to do this to you tonight.” And see what she says.

And David K (no relation to yours truly) should really listen to Ashley since she’s wearing glasses and all. That makes her smart. Actually, I think she always wear glasses nowadays, because she’s sick of having to go to her optometrist to get the cum crust vacuumed out of her eyes. SEE! That Ashley is full of good ideas.

Who Needs Pants Anyway?

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

Oh, look! Tommy Girl put on his favorite drop ’em low glory hole jeans to party with Alien Princess RiRi. No…this is actually some chick from the UK girl group The Saturdays out with her friends in London the other night.

It is December, but pants are still optional. And really? Who needs them anyway? They just get in the way of everything. Take a tip from this trick right here. Just slip on a leather motorcycle diaper over your Tramp L’Oeil pantyhose and hit the streets. Let the cold winter air nip your bud.

Confessions Of A Broken Bank Account

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

White Oprah is trying to keep the Mike’s Hard Lemonade on the table by taking a page out of Gary Coleman’s book. Over on the Lohan’s official broke down website (which was designed by Nana Lohan after she sniffed too much acrylic glue), White Oprah is selling the family’s second-hand shit to the highest bidder.

Now is your chance to own a pair of Juicy Couture jeans (complete with two kinds of skidmarks) once worn by one of the Lohans for the bottom bitch price of $150. You can also get a Nordstrom bag for $100, a pair of Converse for $35 and a Chloe dress for $600. That’s in Lohan dollars. In real-life currency that translates into $WAYTOOFUCKINGMUCHFORTHATSHITCRAP.

However, if you do buy a piece of the Lohan dynasty there’s a good chance you will find half of an Adderall pill or a Ziploc bag covered in coke residue in one of the pockets. That’s a good thing!

On the other hand, there’s also a good chance that White Oprah is selling hot merchandise. So if you wear this crap out in a public, someone will probably claim you snatched it from them and call 911 on your ass. That’s a bad thing!

It’s a gamble.

via Page Six

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Two Boring Pretty People Are Probably Engaged

December 14, 2009 / Posted by:

Don’t ever tell Miranda Kerr’s brother a secret (i.e. that you floss your teeth with your toenail clippings), because ho can’t keep one. Apparently, he’s been telling everyone with ears that his sissy is going to marry Orlando Bloom. This is another reason why we all lie to our family members.

Miranda and Orlando have been dating for around three years. They recently denied marriage rumors, but Miranda’s brother farted off to OK! Magazine, “He’s finally done it. Orlando has proposed. They’re getting married.” And you just got dis-invited. No open bar for you.

You know, Orlando Bloom is so purdy that he could be a Victoria’s Secret Angel himself, so I’m not sure who would make a lovelier bride. My nipples are humming just picturing Legolas with a white lace veil on his head and a bouquet in his delicate hands. Doesn’t that sound as precious as a My Little Pony Sno-Cone maker?

UPDATE: Orlando Bloom’s rep says this rumor is made of lies. Miranda’s brother must have been drinking again.

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