Birthday Sluts

January 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Naomi Judd (64)
Jamelia (29)
Nadia Turner (33)
Amanda Peet (38)
Marc Blucas (38)
Mary J. Blige (39)
Kyle Richards (41)
Kim Coles (48)
Vicki Peterson (52)
Alfonso Arau (78)

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The Lucite Belle Of The Porn Ball

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

The AVN Awards, which is the Oscars but with less STDs and more elegance, was held in Las Vegas last night, and of course the Empress of Lucite was the glistening load everybody bathed in. Shauna won several awards including: Best Performance by an Angel in a Staged Sex Tape That Was Leaked On Purpose, Best Performance by a Lucite Heel, Best Religious Experience and Best Horror Movie.

While the other porn starlets wore custom-made gowns from the Flirt Catalog, Shauna kept it real in vintage Fredrick’s of Hollywood. And by “vintage,” I mean it had a few cum stains on the crotch.

The Empress wasn’t going to even bother putting on a dress. Clothes would have gotten in the way when she found herself in a men’s room stall with a strange dude at the end of the night. When Shauna pulled the purple string off one of her ankles, her elegant ensemble came off and an already lubed up condom fell out of her vag.

Here’s more freshwater pearls from last night’s AVNs including: April Flores, Dave Navarro, Lisa Ann, Ron Jeremy, Sasha Grey, a ginge beauty in JLo’s old Grammy dress, and Margaret Cho.

Is This Van Morrison With The Mother Of His Secret Love Child?

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

UPDATE: Image removed per request from Van’s label. Boo

No, this is not my friend Armando dressed in drag as Eliot Spitzer’s main madam. Also, that’s not an all-grown up Chucky Doll next to her. But now I know what my Halloween costume is going to be this year!!! Anyway, this is supposedly Van Morrison with 42-year-old Gigi Lee. Gigi is the woman (make your own quotation marks here) who was named as the mother to Van Morrison’s newborn baby son.

About a week ago, a message went up on Van’s website announcing that his 64-year-old ass fathered a son with Gigi Lee. The next day, Van claimed that a hacker put up the fake message and he was not a new father. Van went on to say that he had never met this Gigi Lee trick and he is happily married to his wife Michelle. Well, the Daily Mail isn’t going to let Van slip away so easily. According to them, Van knows Gigi Lee very well. In fact, sources say Gigi is the director of 14 of his companies. YES, Gigi is a serious business woman. Isn’t it wonderful that we live in an age where serious business women have faces like a deflated Julie Masking and hair like bleached curly fries? It’s good to be alive.

Gigi’s friends tell the Daily Mail that the two met back in 1998. Since then, Gigi has been bragging to friends about how she’s been carrying on an affair of love with Van. Gigi’s friends also added that Gigi recently moved into a fancy townhouse where she’s planning to raise Baby Van.

So Van says he does not have a baby with Gigi, and the Daily Mail says he does have a baby with Gigi. I don’t know what to believe! However, I won’t be surprised if I read on my RSS feed tomorrow morning: PETE BURNS arrested for stealing a blonde wig, a Benjamin Button’s prop baby from Warner Bros. storage closet, and a drivers license belonging to one Gigi Lee.

The Poof Has Seen Better Days

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Jersey Shore’s very own Snooki brought her homegrown guido glamour to Florida’s Seminole Hard Rock last night to host a “Fist Pumping Competition” at club Opium. Also seen at Opium last night was Gay Al Reynolds who showed up in assless leather pants, a tub of Crisco and a very, very confused look on his precious face.

TMZ says that Snookisaurus was paid $10,000 to get drunk at the club. Hopefully, Snickers uses some of that cash to invest in a Bumpit. Recently Snooki proudly proclaimed that she keeps her poof (not to be confused with this poof) poofy without the help of a Bumpit. But look at that weepy thing on her head. It looks like a year-old shower puff that has been trampled on by a hippo and attacked with a world rockin’ grenade. It desperately needs the support of a Bumpit. Nobody can bump it like a Bumpit. Well, Lindsay Lohan can, but that’s a different kind of bump.

Here’s more of Willy Wonka’s favorite wet dream girl destroying me over and over again with her constant abuse of the duckface. Speaking of destroyed faces, that bouncer’s “Fuck My Life” face says it all. Dude is definitely calling DeVry this morning.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Chris Daly – One of San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors and the current poster child for the fuck word.

Chris Daly, who is also a father of two, is getting a little heat on his culo after he declared that one of his New Year’s resolutions is to serenade his fellow supervisors with the fuck word at least once during every board meeting in 2010. This is the greatest New Year’s resolution since the time my drunk slut friend vowed to stop sipping from random drinks left on the bar (she broke it a few weeks later with a Long Island Iced Tea).

According to Chris, there’s around 59 board meetings in 2010, which means that’s how many times the word fuck will leave his lips. 12-year-old Chris explained his resolution to the San Francisco Chronicle, “I think that unfortunately, I’m speaking to some real discontent that’s out there. There are pent-up feelings of frustration with the economy, with politics, with all sorts of things. The word fuck actually does a pretty good job of drawing that out.”

But his fellow supervisors aren’t exactly tingling over Chris’ resolution. The board’s president said he’s ready to have the fuck word’s greatest promoter thrown out for disorderly conduct if he continues to litter up the meeting with curse words, “As the Board of Supervisors, we need to be an example of civil and mature leadership. I told him I thought he could do better.

Part of me hopes Chris does get thrown out, because can you imagine the amount of fucks that will be launched from his mouth if that happened? It will be a fuck parade, followed by a fuck ball, followed by an after-party filled with fucks. They better have a livefeed of that shit. VIVA LA FUCK WORD!

(For C)

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Birthday Sluts

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Rod Stewart (65)
Saleisha Stowers (24)
Abigail Clancy (24)
Alex Meraz (25)
Sarah Shahi (30)
Cash Warren (31)
Lyle Menendez (42)
Trini Alvarado (43)
Julie Moran (48)
Evan Handler (49)
Shawn Colvin (54)
Pat Benatar (57)
James Lapine (61)
George Foreman (61)
Frank Sinatra, Jr. (66)
Al Goldstein (74)

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