Vanity Fair’s (emphasis on the “Fair“) annual Hollywood Issue is a gallery of “clutch your Tampax pearls” surprises! There’s ACTUALLY one and a half black people on the cover (Hey, it’s better than VF’s “Hungry White Girls Cover” of last year)! There’s Rashida Jones randomly bottle feeding a baby tiger! There’s a Robert Duvall photo bomb! And there’s the TV Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, who’d be half-nekkid if it wasn’t for those extra thick suspenders.
Did the baby tiger eat most of her dress? Did Jesse Eisenberg’s sexyface rip half of that ho’s dress right off? Olivia is a position switch away from giving Anthony Mackie an eye full of Tron nipple. Screw the Hollywood Issue, thanks to Olivia’s “sneeze and my titty pokes out” dress, this is the ELEGANCE ISSUE!
Vanity Fair says this cover was inspired by 1930s Shanghai. You know, 1930s Shanghai without Asians. We must’ve been hung over and dozed off in history class when the teacher said that Chinese people didn’t move to Shanghai until AT LEAST the 1940s. But really, how the hell can you do 1930s Shanghai without the mascots of 1930s Shanghai. Let me fix that for Vanity Fair:
Anyway, here’s the full cover along with a few behind-the-scenes pictures. Hos on the cover from left to right: Ryan Reynolds, Jakey, Anne Hathaway, James Franco,
Ivanka Trump Jennifer Lawrence, Anthony Mackie, Olivia Wilde, Jesse Eisenberg, Mila Kunis, Robert Duvall, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Garfield, Rashida Jones, Garrett GimmeHedlund and Noomi Rapace.
Putting every single one of Ronald McDonald’s favorite drag wigs to the test, the Illuminati’s reigning princess, RiRi, gives head to a banana and humps a blow-up doll in her new video for “S&M,” which features Perez Hilton as her bottom bitch dog. This mess is trying to make you feel like you’re playing a game of Candy Land after injecting liquefied Pop Rocks into your eye veins and choking yourself with a Red Vine.
This shit reminds me of the time I thought I was buying Ecstasy at some dumb rave in the late 90s. An hour later, one of my friends, who also bought the wrong stuff, asked me if I was rollin’ yet. I lied and said I was as I sucked on a pacifier like a total poser moron. My friend burst my fake roll when she told me that she found out he sold us baby aspirin. That pacifier dropped out of my mouth faster than the “YOU DUMB BITCH” laughs leaped off her tongue.
Basically, this video is like baby aspirin disguised as the bad shit.
Didn’t it feel like Christina Applegate’s knocked up period lasted longer than the entire run of Samantha Who? (RIP Samantha Who?)? But the time finally came. Christina’s coochie did the Bundy Bounce and pushed out a baby daughter in Los Angeles last Thursday! Unfortunately, Christina didn’t name her kid “The New Allante” and I doubt she’ll dress her baby up in a leopard mini-skirt and a leather jacket when they pose for the cover of People Magazine in a few weeks. If only Kelly Bundy was a real person!
Christina actually gave her baby a normal name that doesn’t sound like a scent at Bath and Body Works or a character from a third-tier 1980s cartoon. The details from People:
“Actress Christina Applegate and fiancé, musician Martyn LeNoble, welcomed daughter Sadie Grace LeNoble on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2011, in Los Angeles,” the spokesperson said in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”
Adds someone close to the proud parents: “She’s a beautiful little girl, and they are so happy and in love with her.”
Just once, just once, I’d like to read a celebrity say some shit like, “Eh, she seems alright, but she’s kind of bitchy.” Kelly Bundy would’ve said that.
And Christina’s dude kind of has a Christopher Walken quality to him. You don’t know whether he wants to shoot you in the eyeball, molest your nipples or take you by the hand and gracefully dip you before licking your teeth.
Andy Hill of the Winnipeg Human Society! If you’re in the market for an ugly cat, a lazy cat, a tweaker cat or a couch-hole-coverer cat, Andy Hill’s got CATS! CATS! CATS! for everyone! The kitten machine (aka cat vagina) is cranking at high-speed and Andy’s stock is overflowing. It’s a Canadian pussy fire sale in Winnipeg! Andy might even have a pussy cow in the back room! I’ll let Andy’s crazy ass sell you:
And is it just me, or does Andy hardly ever look you directly in the eye when he’s trying to sell you a cat? Now, I’m sure Andy is a highly trustworthy cat merchant, but he does have those shifty puss eyes. Hmm. Just what kind of pussy is Andy selling over there in Winnipeg?
(For Rosie N)
Sherman Hemsley (73)
Heather Morris (24)
Lauren Conrad (25)
Gavin Henson (29)
Rachelle Lefevre (32)
Julie Roberts (32)
Big Boi (36)
Michael C. Hall (40)
Brian Krause (42)
Lisa Marie Presley (43)
Pauly Shore (43)
Meg Cabot (44)
Sherilyn Fenn (46)
Princess Stephanie of Monaco (46)
Linus Roache (47)
Jackie Shroff (54)
Terry Jones (69)
Joy Philbin (70)
Don Everly (74)
Yes, we’re finally getting a sequel to LOSING ISAIAH!!!! Sort of. Kind of. It seems like the rumor that Halle Berry’s relationship with Gabriel Aubry is wrecked to the core has some truth to it. There was a tabloid whisper going around that Halle doesn’t appreciate Gabriel dating low-budget hos (spotlight on Kim Kardashian) and bringing said low-budget hos around their daughter Nahla. Halle pretty much confirmed that rumor as truth when her rep released this swift kick to Gabriel’s dick today (via People). Halle WENT THERE:
“Halle has serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her. She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter’s father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.
Halle has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their break-up, Halle has only acted in her daughter’s best interest.”
Those are some shankin’ words and Halle added an extra stab by going to the media. What the hell did Gabriel do that was so awful? Did he make Nahla watch Catwoman the movie?! Did he keep Nahla in the house while he went to lie down in the running car in the garage? This is really not going to end well. Well, the only way it will end well is if Halle corners Gabriel in the ladies room and screams this:
I hope Halle keeps the “lady” part, because that’s the real fucking sting.