Open Post: Hosted By The Beautiful Detective Julie Bower

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

TLC’s Police Women of Broward County is currently dark for the season, so I’ve desperately missed the smell of burnt polyester, wet cigarettes and perm juice that constantly wafts off of Detective Julie Bower’s oh-so-crispy peroxide angel wings. Even through the TV screen. If only she could bottle that scent and sell at all Loaf ‘N Jugs. She can call it “South Florida.” That’s a compliment.

Here’s Detective Bower with her Police Women co-stars and Dancing with the Has-Beens’ alumni Jason Taylor at some ping-pong charity event in Hollywood, FL yesterday. Detective Bower must have known that the public has been patiently waiting to get another glimpse of her beauty, because she brought it big with the white tip nails, Bonne Bell bronzer, and the rhinestone western belt circa 1997. The rhinestones almost blinded me from seeing the cell phone strapped to her waistband. I will forgive her for that.

Officer JB is definitely one of my fashions icons of ’09.

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This Mug Shot Is A Figment Of Our Imagination

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

Michael Lohan was arrested yesterday in Medford, NY after he violated a restraining order placed against him by his ex-girlfriend Erin Muller. Michael was booked, snapped and released a few hours later. Michael must have moved this island, because he claims he was never arrested. Lie father, lie daughter.

Michael farted off to Radar to explain, “I was not arrested. Erin and I had an argument. She has an ongoing order of protection against me. She called and said I violated it by making a phone call to her. I went down there today and saw the judge and I handled it and that was it.”

And it just so happens that the judge is a huge fan of Satan. But since it’s kind of difficult to get Satan’s autograph, getting Michael Lohan’s is the next best thing. So the judge used the mug shot camera to get a beauty portrait of Michael Lohan for him to autograph. That explains this mug shot. Obviously.

Kellan Lutz Is The New Crotch Of Calvin Klein Chonies

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn’t Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark’s iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.

A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?

Marky Mark’s panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I’m older than Kim Zolciak’s first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky’s ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.

So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.

RiRi Is Topless Again

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

Since nothing sells albums like titty domes and crotch hugs (just ask Glamberace), RiRi gives us plenty of both in January’s GQ Magazine. My only gripe is that RiRi is always covering up her nipples with her arms and hands. It seems that in most of her pictures lately, she’s demurely busting a “Nipples Cost More” pose. If she keeps doing that shit she’s going to get a cramp in her arm. Or worse, her nipples are going to get tired of being covered up all the time and will run into the chest of a bitch who isn’t ashamed of them!

Also, it’s a little funny that one of the stories in this issue of GQ is about why it’s “not cool to get stoned anymore.” You’re going to need a majorly obese joint to get through half of RiRi’s interview with them.

And does anybody know if the sweater in the second thumbnail below comes in electric purple? Cream is not my color.

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The Golden Globe Noms: Meryl vs. Meryl

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and most of the names we expected to hear came up (Examples: Mo’Nique, Precious, George Clooney, Mad Men, True Blood, Jane Lynch…blah blah blah).

Meryl Streep got nominated OF COURSE. If Meryl sat in front of a web cam, and recited from Chris Brown’s now-defunct Twitter account while wearing an “I Love Tiger Woods” half-shirt, she’d still get a nomination. This year, Meryl got two nominations in the same category. She was nominated in the Best Actress in a Comedy category for Julie & Julia and It’s Complicated. Meryl is going to knife fight herself for the trophy. Meryl is up against Marion Cotillard (Nine), Sandra Bullock (The Proposal) and Julia Roberts (Duplicity). YES! Sandra Bullock got nominated for the damn Proposal! Anybody who saw that wreck knows that the hawk who stole the dog deserves a nomination before Sandra’s ass. And Julia Roberts? Just shut that category down and give the golden testicle to Meryl already.

Up In the Air got the most movie nominations with 6 followed by Nine and Avatar. On the TV side, Glee got 4 followed by 30 Rock and some other hos. Once again, Lafayette and Randi Sue from True Blood WERE ROBBED! Instead, they decided to give a nomination the worst bitch on that show: Soooookeh. I’ll be writing letters TO.DAY. Believe it.

After the jump is the most of the nominations for The Annual Christina Hendricks Awards, which will be held in January or something. Motorboat and JUMP!!!

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
AVATAR
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS
UP IN THE AIR

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
EMILY BLUNT – THE YOUNG VICTORIA
SANDRA BULLOCK – THE BLIND SIDE
HELEN MIRREN – THE LAST STATION
CAREY MULLIGAN – AN EDUCATION
GABOUREY SIDIBE – PRECIOUS

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
JEFF BRIDGES – CRAZY HEART
GEORGE CLOONEY – UP IN THE AIR
COLIN FIRTH – A SINGLE MAN
MORGAN FREEMAN – INVICTUS
TOBEY MAGUIRE – BROTHERS

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER
THE HANGOVER
IT’S COMPLICATED
JULIE & JULIA
NINE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR
MUSICAL
SANDRA BULLOCK – THE PROPOSAL
MARION COTILLARD – NINE
JULIA ROBERTS – DUPLICITY
MERYL STREEP – IT’S COMPLICATED
MERYL STREEP – JULIE & JULIA

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY
OR MUSICAL
MATT DAMON – THE INFORMANT!
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS – NINE
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. – SHERLOCK HOLMES
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT – (500) DAYS OF SUMMER
MICHAEL STUHLBARG – A SERIOUS MAN

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
CORALINE
FANTASTIC MR. FOX
THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
UP

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
BAARIA (ITALY)
BROKEN EMBRACES (SPAIN)
THE MAID (CHILE)
A PROPHET (FRANCE)
THE WHITE RIBBON (GERMANY)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A
MOTION PICTURE
PENÉLOPE CRUZ – NINE
VERA FARMIGA – UP IN THE AIR
ANNA KENDRICK – UP IN THE AIR
MO’NIQUE – PRECIOUS
JULIANNE MOORE – A SINGLE MAN

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A
MOTION PICTURE
MATT DAMON – INVICTUS
WOODY HARRELSON – THE MESSENGER
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER – THE LAST STATION
STANLEY TUCCI – THE LOVELY BONES
CHRISTOPH WALTZ – INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
KATHRYN BIGELOW – THE HURT LOCKER
JAMES CAMERON – AVATAR
CLINT EASTWOOD – INVICTUS
JASON REITMAN – UP IN THE AIR
QUENTIN TARANTINO – INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
NEILL BLOMKAMP – DISTRICT 9
MARK BOAL – THE HURT LOCKER
NANCY MEYERS – IT’S COMPLICATED
JASON REITMAN – UP IN THE AIR
QUENTIN TARANTINO – INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“CINEMA ITALIANO” — NINE
“I WANT TO COME HOME” — EVERYBODY’S FINE
“I WILL SEE YOU” — AVATAR
“THE WEARY KIND (THEME FROM CRAZY HEART)” — CRAZY
HEART
“WINTER” — BROTHERS

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
BIG LOVE (HBO)
DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
HOUSE (FOX)
MAD MEN (AMC)
TRUE BLOOD (HBO)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –
DRAMA
GLENN CLOSE – DAMAGES
JANUARY JONES – MAD MEN
JULIANNA MARGULIES – THE GOOD WIFE
ANNA PAQUIN – TRUE BLOOD
KYRA SEDGWICK – THE CLOSER

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
SIMON BAKER – THE MENTALIST
MICHAEL C. HALL – DEXTER
JON HAMM – MAD MEN
HUGH LAURIE – HOUSE
BILL PAXTON – BIG LOVE

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
30 ROCK (NBC)
ENTOURAGE (HBO)
GLEE (FOX)
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
THE OFFICE (NBC)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –
COMEDY OR MUSICAL
TONI COLLETTE – UNITED STATES OF TARA
COURTENEY COX – COUGAR TOWN
EDIE FALCO – NURSE JACKIE
TINA FEY – 30 ROCK
LEA MICHELE – GLEE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES –
COMEDY OR MUSICAL
ALEC BALDWIN – 30 ROCK
STEVE CARELL – THE OFFICE
DAVID DUCHOVNY – CALIFORNICATION
THOMAS JANE – HUNG
MATTHEW MORRISON – GLEE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A
SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
JANE ADAMS – HUNG
ROSE BYRNE – DAMAGES
JANE LYNCH – GLEE
JANET McTEER – INTO THE STORM
CHLOË SEVIGNY – BIG LOVE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES,
MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
MICHAEL EMERSON – LOST
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
WILLIAM HURT – DAMAGES
JOHN LITHGOW – DEXTER
JEREMY PIVEN – ENTOURAGE

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Nicole Kidman Will Not Talk About Xenu

December 15, 2009 / Posted by:

While promoting that Nine movie, Nicole Kidman sat down with the BBC’s Andrew Marr for an interview about the movie….AND ONLY THE MOVIE! Nicole refused to talk about all things Scientology including: barley, Thetans and if Xenu is a top or a bottom.

When Andrew Marr brought up the S word and referred to it as a “bullying cult,” Nicole immediately froze his prune sack with her icy eyes and said, “I just don’t…. This is just so not… I’m here to publicize Nine. If I was here to do an exposé on myself then I’d be like, ‘Let’s go’, but I have no interest in discussing any of that.

Andrew must have not minded that his insides were starting to turn to ice cubes, because he nudged Nicole a bit more on the subject. But she stayed firm and said she would only talk about the movie.

Nicole isn’t stupid. She knows that even if she said the word “Scientology,” Suri and her men would destroy the world’s supply of Botox, Collagen, Juvederm, Restylane, etc…. They would get Nicole where it really really hurts.

Click here to see the video of Nicole putting the freeze on Marr.

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