Vanessa Paradis Does Not Want To Be The Next Jennifer Aniston

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

For those of you who guessed March 4th as the day the first “ANGIE IS TRYING TO STEAL JOHNNY” story hit the tabloids, give yourself an extra pat on the nipple! You’re a winner! Your prize is a newborn orphan who will arrive via FedEx today or tomorrow (depending on weather conditions). You better clean out the bottom the drawer in your bedroom dresser! Anyways.

In today’s New York Post their sources claim that Johnny Depp’s partner of a million years Vanessa Paradis really doesn’t want to spend her Saturday nights eating lukewarm cookie dough with Jennifer Aniston while playing a fake version of the Newlywed Game with a bunch of cardboard cutouts of their exes. No, that’s not how Vanessa wants this story to go. So because of this she has demanded that Johnny quit the movie he’s making with Angie Jo, which is filming right now in Venice, Italy.

The source said, “Vanessa found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie. He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie’s partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”

The article goes on to read: “The puffy-lipped siren and Pitt hooked up after they steamed up the screen in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The 2005 picture was largely credited with busting up Pitt’s Tinseltown union with ‘Friends’ actress Aniston. Years earlier, Jolie got her hooks into Billy Bob Thornton, while the ‘Sling Blade’ actor was reportedly engaged to actress Dern.

ANISTON, stop sending in your creative writings to The Post! Stop. It. Keep it in your dream journal.

But seriously, Vanessa Paradis has nothing to worry about and she knows it. Nobody can gap fuck Johnny like she can. If Angie suddenly shows up to set with a toof missing, then Vanessa can start to set up the bear trap near Johnny’s dick.

The Photoshop Awards: Dave Navarro’s PETA Ad

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s nothing like a pair of furry man thighs staring back at you first thing in the morning. Yay (?). PETA decided to gives the ladies the day off and let a man get nekkid ass nekkid in the name of saving THIS FACE.

I’m all for four-lane happy trails, nipple knobs and tattoos that look like they were given in someone’s garage after a keg party, but it’s hard for me to fully enjoy this when they made Dave Navarro’s face look like a wet chalk portrait of an Emo man.

And yes….I’d still….

via ONTD

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Guess Who This Claw Belongs To?

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

No, Gollum did not finally get his “precious” back, so you can cross that guess off the list. The answer is after the jump. JUMP to beauty!

Why it’s none other than Lindsay Lohan! Who else has finger nails that look like they’ve been scraping the pipe for residue to put together another hit!

Here she is leaving Bungalow 8 in London last night. Oh, and if you lost a diamond ring in London recently, looks like you found it! Ring up Scotland Yard.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 3rd!

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

Nothing ruins a good buzz on the beach like watching the Jonas brothers search for Michael Kors’ missing outie. – toejam

Runners-up:

When Kevin got married and lost his virginity, he assured his brothers there was a simple way to find it so their bond would be unbroken. – DirtyWhoreMouth

Simon Monjack is resorting to some interesting methods to find money after being cut out of Brittany’s Will. – ReallyNow

via Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

Hoppa, the two-legged Jewish dog!

We haven’t had a two-legged dog as a Hot Slut in a while (no Vienna Sausage jokes!), and Hoppa is a special one. If Heather Mills was an adorable Jewish puppy dog with an actual beating heart instead of a chest full of coal, she’d be Hoppa!

Hoppa was born four years ago without his two front legs. Avi Kozi, chairman of Israel’s Society for the Protection of Animals, took Hoppa in. Most hos would just tie a mini skateboard around Hoppa and call it a day, but Avi had a special little shopping cart thingy built for him. Below is Hoppa in action:

You know, I don’t trust that other dog in the clip. That bitch looks shifty! He’s probably going to put Vaseline on Hoppa’s wheels and laugh when Hoppa eats floor. That bitch ain’t right in the head, I’m telling you.

via Urlesque

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Birthday Sluts

March 4, 2010 / Posted by:

Adrian Zmed (56)
Brooklyn Beckham (10)
Andrea Bowen (20)
Whitney Port (25)
Len Wiseman (37)
Ivy Queen (38)
Chaz Bono (41)
Patsy Kensit (42)
Sam Taylor-Wood (43)
Jason Newsted (47)
Steven Weber (49)
Patricia Heaton (52)
Catherine O’Hara (56)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (57)
Ron Moss (58)
James Ellroy (62)
Bobby Womack (66)
Paula Prentiss (72)
Carroll Baker (79)

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