DanRad Can’t Wait To Get Him Some Dancer Cooch

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Grab your eye lids and pull them down if you want to stop thinking about Harry Potter aparecium-ing all over some chick after rictusempra-ing her chocha with his magic wand. Because guess what, Harry Potter does sex stuff (Chris Hansen is going to ask me to have a seat for that one). So DanRad is coming to Broadway this spring in How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and he’s hoping to succeed in sexy business without really trying. Specifically, sexy business with Broadway dancers. DanRad tells Dazed & Confused (via HuffPo):

“I’ve been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I’m single. I said to a friend the other day, ‘Dude, I’m doing a show with dancers. I’ve got to be single.’ He was like, ‘Don’t sleep with anyone in your own show. That’s a mistake.’ It’s good advice. But I’m not sure I’ll stick to it.”

Who knew that Harry Potter is an aspiring mega slut who hopes to get on more Broadway bagina than a pair of Capezio briefs? More like Whorey Potter.

And Whorey Potter is 21, so it’s legal to think these thoughts about him (I think).

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Coming Soon: Bieber On Your Nails

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

When Justin Bieber runs his fingers through his ethereal upside down hair bowl, his nails get covered in a sparkly syrup that regularly secretes out of his skull pores. Sparkly syrup that is usually found on the tip of a unicorn’s peen. Because The Lesbeaver cares about his fans so much (and because the evilings controlling his strings care about money so much), he has decided to share his glittery pore sweat with the world in nail polish form. Justin and the brand Nicole have joined forces for a collection of nail paints based on his songs. Styleite reports that Justin’s nail polish will be sold exclusively at the emporium of elegance and luxury named Walmart.

Hearing one of Justin’s songs makes me want to boil nail polish remover before pouring it into my ear holes, so this does make sense. This is also good for us non Beliebers, because now we will clearly see the mark of the beast on those who have already crossed over to the Bieber side.

And just so you know, any negative comments you make about The Lesbeaver will be deleted in 14 days. It’s for your own good, because this Belieber will backtrace you and consequences will never be the same! Don’t let the fact that he is most likely is going to get black and orange Halloween bands for his braces NOT SCARE YOU. He knows hackers in Europe and very important FCC executives!

And he’s totally been sniffing Justin Bieber’s nail polish and it isn’t even out yet. He really does have connections.

Tater Head Works Fast

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

To quote Jennifer Aniston, “I can’t get a man, but that bitch Tater Head can!” It was just two seconds ago that actor Micah 
Alberti stopped sucking on Rumer Willis’ chin full-time, and she’s already got another hot piece spreading his sour cream, bacon bits and chives all over her. Tater and Micah barely broke up a little over a week ago, but at party in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, she showed up with Glee’s Chord Overstreet and apparently the two were all over each other. Yup, he’s definitely got that “I can’t wait to fuck my butt with that hung chin” look in his eye.

Some source tells People that Chord was also on Rumer like Kirstie Alley at the Souplantation potato bar last weekend in Las Vegas, “Chord was flirtatious with Rumer. They had a 
lot of fun.

Even though this relationship is most likely a fresh load from a publicist’s dick, I still cannot condone it. When I look at Chord, I for some reason only see Justin from Queer as Folk. And when I think of Justin from Queer as Folk, I think of Brian Kinney’s face nuzzling between his sugar-free Twinkie nalgas. As it should be. So therefore, Chord’s butt cheeks are destined to marry a look-alike Brian Kinney face and I won’t except anything else!

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 8th!

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

On the new season of ‘The Girls Next Door’, Hugh Hefner snaps up yet another younger blonde. – justabitch

Runners-up:

Old wrinkly skin, O-face, pearl necklace…I’d say the Larry King sex tape is genuine. – OurMissC

“Dynasty 2011” : Krystle and Alexis still at it. – TexnDoc

Gary Busey stars in Mrs. Doubtfire II: Trannies in the Everglades. – dfanintheD

(Thanks Kenneth)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Ann Wedgeworth, actress, glamour icon and what you would find if you performed open heart surgery on the state of Texas!

Why should we celebrate Ann Wedgeworth’s beauty, talent and cake making skills on this Canadian Thanksgiving Day and Columbus Day AND National Coming Out Day? Dlisted reader Colleen puts it better than I ever could, so I’ll let her take the podium:

Dear Michael K:

I don’t know if you have ever given Ann “Lana Shields” Wedgeworth the Hot Slut of the Day award, but dammit, you should. She was the biggest slut on Three’s Company. Even sluttier than that STD enthusiast, Larry! Not only was she throwing her coochie at Jack all the time, but Mr. Furley had a big boner for her too.

Also, she has a daughter with RIP TORN.

And, if that was not enough, she was in Steel Magnolias. She was the one that made the red velvet “Armadilla” groom’s cake. She can make anything, you know. Except snakes. She doesn’t have the counter space.

AND if washing down red velvet ‘dilla cake with Ann’s natural essence still doesn’t get you full, she played the role of Lahoma Vane Lucas on Another World. AND she was Dan’s mother on Roseanne. AND she was in Filthy Rich with Delta Burke AND Dixie Carter. Basically, Ann is the Empress of ANDs. All good ANDs, of course.

Here’s AND Ann giving us breathy sex appeal while accepting her Tony back in 1978. It’s safe to say that Ann is the original Elvira. It’s also safe to say that Ann’s poof paved the way for Snooki’s poof. Snooki better give thanks!

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Birthday Sluts

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Matt Bomer (33)
Michelle Trachtenberg (25)
Gabe Saporta (31)
Trevor Donovan (32)
Emily Deschanel (34)
Jary McCarroll (36)
Constance Zimmer (40)
Stephen Moyer (41)
Jane Krakowski (42)
Artie Lange (43)
Luke Perry (44)
Sean Patrick Flannery (45)
Joan Cusack (48)
Dawn French (53)
Stephen Spinella (54)
David Morse (57)
Daryl Hall (64)
Amitabh Bachchan (68)
Elmore Leonard (85)

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