St. Angie Actually Bleeds!

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

And she bleeds human blood! I think. Although, if you put a drop of St. Angie blood under a microscope I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d find a million crimson Mother Theresas winking back at you.

At the Paris premiere of that Sodium shit, St. Angie got a paper cut while signing autographs. Since St. Angie knows that the most hardcore Brangeloonies have learned the exact scent of her blood and can smell it from a thousand miles away, she quickly sucked that mess up.

And when Brad Pitt asks St. Angie later if her skinny ass finally ate a sandwich, she can tell him that she had a snack at the premiere. Bitch ain’t lying!

Here’s more of Angie Jo at the Salt premiere wearing a dress that would look better on a voluptuous Florida drag queen who would make those straps stretch for their lives.

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Big Brother Is Watching You…..Jerk It In The Shower

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Why not spend the next minute-and-a-half watching Lane, the big hot bag of dumb on Big Brother, bust all kinds of various restrained Ofaces while massaging his wang in the shower. This magical live feed moment is brought to you by Jezebel who says that right before Lane’s shower date with himself, the dudes were sharing fuck stories with each other. So that probably gave Lane an urge to purge his peen.

I love how Lane is trying to be all slick by poking at his ears and nose to take the focus off the party going down below. Please, Lane should not act like he’s cleaning the wax out of his ear holes when we know very well he’s really focused on cleaning the jizz out of peen hole.

You know, this clip doesn’t feel the same without Julie Chen popping in to say, “But first, Lane is going fuck himself.” Julie should be on call 24/7 for important situations like this.

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…..And We All Pray

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

When Moses parted the Red Sea, out came Jan Crouch skipping down the center aisle with her two white dogs in tow and her cotton candy locks flowing in the wind. That’s how the story really goes and somebody should tell the powers-that-be to update the Bible to reflect this!

Yesterday in NYC, the paparazzi captured the glorious images of the luminous Queen of the Trinity Broadcast Network, Jan Crouch, pushing her dogs in a stroller outside of her hotel. The mere mortal behind Jan is seconds away from handing over her pocket book (just go with me on this) before passing out into a dreamy coma where she’ll imagine she’s waltzing with mascara-covered tarantulas while unicorns queef out pink bubbles all around her.

I too have been there. I have spent many a drunk night watching TBN and hoping I could jump through the screen into the pink heaven about Jan’s head. If you miniaturized yourself and jumped into Jan’s hair, you’d probably find yourself falling out of a virgin angel’s vagina up in heaven. Jan’s hair is totally the portal to the heavens.

Yes, Jan would snatch a strawberry Jolly Rancher out of a hongray orphan’s hands and melt it down to use as hair gel, but that’s part of her charm! You have to leave a lot of orphans hongray to look that glamorous. And I’m not joking about the snatching food out of a child’s hand:

Here’s more of Jan out in NYC yesterday. It’s as if Princess Lolly left Candyland for good and joined the Christian revival circuit as a Tammy Faye Bakker impersonator. Perfection.

If you can’t get enough of this mess, please watch Jan’s performance of a million lifetimes in NO MORE TEARS. It’s all you need today. Gay Fish really needs to make a remix out of it.

These Two Broke Up Again

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s good news for you hos out there who love it when your man gently taps your bare snatch with a taxidermy platypus (I’ve heard things), because Marilyn Manson is yours for the taking now that he’s no longer spreading his clown make-up all over Evan Rachel Wood’s inner thighs. Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn have broken up yet again. This is what People is saying anyways.

The newly single Manson, 41, then hit the town Saturday night, dining at L.A’s STK and clubbing at next door Boudoir with a group including a brunette named Twiggy and former Playmate of the Year Colleen Shannon.

“They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends,” says another source.

Evan Rachel probably got fed up with Marilyn fake crying in the bathroom while trying to cut the lyrics to a Cure song into his arm with a plastic butter knife whenever she threatened to change the channel from The Munsters. And Marilyn got sick of Evan waking up every morning, staring at his face and then punching at her eyes before mumbling to herself, “You dropped ASkars for that?!

The last time Evan and Marilyn ended things he paid tribute to their love by bludgeoning her look-alike to death in a video, so I wonder what he’ll do this time. Eh. Even Marilyn probably knows he’s getting too old for this shit, so I’m sure he’ll just bludgeon a cherry pocket pie with his mouth instead. Good move.

Needs Less Sookeh

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Because True Blood is quickly showing Skinemax how soft core porn is really done, here’s Eric, Sookeh and Beeehl all bloody and nekkid ass nekkid on the cover of Rolling Stone. Let’s just say they’re actually covered in Blood Mary mix. Throw ASkars into a tub full of vodka, stick a piece of celery in his no-no, grab a giant straw, dip it in and just keep sucking!

Some of you might give this cover the “GROSS” label because they are splattered in blood, but it doesn’t matter to me. If ASkars was covered in bits of CROCS, UGGS lint, CHERYL BURKE’S dandruff, and White Oprah’s 100 proof boogers, I’d still say goodnight and close the door. I don’t think I’m alone in that either. I have a feeling that thousands of copies of this mess will get covered in more than just blood. Laminate it first!

via The Frisky

Open Post: Hosted By Jane Fonda & Chace Crawford

August 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Here’s Jane Fonda and the too pretty Chace Crawford at the NYC screening of Mao’s Last Dancer” looking like a recently divorced Palm Beach socialite with the boy toy she found bussing tables at her country club. This is the same kept piece who sleeps nekkid at the foot of her bed every night and as soon as he hears her and her dog simultaneously snoring, he tip toes out to the guest house to lick the chlorine residue off the South American pool boy’s nutsack!

But seriously, if Chace ever needs extra coins in his hot pocket he should cuddle up to Jane, because these two make a perfect sugar memaw and her shiny toy.

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