That Was Fast

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

And just like that, Sandra Bullock’s marriage to Vanilla Gorilla has officially been shoved into the exhaust pipe of a speeding bus headed directly for a fully fueled cargo plane. Sandra legally quit Vanilla Gorilla’s ass on April 23rd, and TMZ says the two signed papers last week making the divorce final.

Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla both didn’t ask for spousal support and he pretty much agreed to leave with what he came in with so it made the divorce process pretty easy. With Sandra’s divorce being complete she can now adopt Baby Louis as a single parent.

Maybe it’s because we’re used to greedy bitches fighting over every cent during a divorce battle, but that felt like it was over in a quick second. It takes Boobshit McGross more time to make her clitoris give the Hitler salute (a popular party trick)! But in Boobshit’s defense, it takes her a little while to lift up her clit, because the warts weigh it down so much.

Open Post: Hosted By Grandpappy Gaga

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Replace this Lady Caca song with anything by El Debarge, and I hope that this is me when I reach pepaw-age (in like 10 years or some shit).

This old dude’s pacemaker is slowly melting in his chest, his bowels are moving into his Depends and his one good hip is a kick away from splitting into two, but he doesn’t care. Dude is dance dance dancing as though every bitch in that bar has pockets full of caramel squares to throw at him. He knows that he won’t be able to roll out of his Craftmatic in the morning, but he’s got an itch in his soul that won’t go away unless he drops that shit low. And yes, this is what happens when you smoke Bengay out of a catheter bag.

P.S. – Just stamp those annoying young dudes with the “HO SIT DOWN” label and ignore them. They can’t do it like pappy.

via Videogum

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Vince Neil Will Be Checking Into Celebrity Rehab In 3..2…

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Vince Neil, seen here with a trio of naturally beautiful flowers freshly plucked out of the Garden of Eden, was put into handcuffs early this morning after police believe he was driving while under the influence of the sweet nectar. A spokeslady for the LVPD didn’t give up any details, but she did tell E! News that Vince’s drunkery caused a car accident. She wouldn’t say if there were any injuries reported.

Vince is currently sitting in a jail cell on $2,000 bail. His wife is on her way to Las Vegas to pay his bond.

Since his bail is so low it’s assumed that Vince didn’t kill anyone this time around. In 1984, Vince crashed into an oncoming car while driving car. Vince’s passenger, Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle Dingley, was killed and two people in the other car were seriously injured. Vince has also been arrested for beating up a prostitute back in 2003.

So let’s see, Vince Neil actually sent someone on a one-way trip to heaven because he was drunk driving, and yet he still slides behind the wheel of a car when he’s boozed up? Does this dumb bitch have a brain like a corroded silicone implant?! At this point, Vince shouldn’t be allowed to operate a broken Big Wheel, let alone a real car.

Because The First Lohan Shit Show Wasn’t Bad Enough

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Besides the cameos from Nana Lohan, the reality show Living Lohan was a complete and utter piece of crusty shit. You would think that following a delusional pimp monster around is the stuff reality TV dreams are made of, but that show was about as entertaining as watching fake tanner dry on White Oprah’s parched asshole.

White Oprah put her job interview face on and never brought out her organic craziness in front of the cameras. She was using the show to manipulate us into thinking that the Lohans are this generation’s answer to the Cleavers. Nobody swallowed that one.

Anyways, White Oprah and her hos are going to try the reality show thing again. She queefed to Page Six, “We have already started filming. The cameras follow us in our daily lives and as we promote our businesses. I want to prove that we are a good, hardworking family and we don’t have the crazy lives that some people claim we do. The show will feature my kids, and Lindsay will also appear in some episodes, although she’s very busy filming and promoting her fashion lines. We’re discussing a deal with a major network.”

If White Oprah got a Mother Teresa mask permanently attached to her face, we’d still see her as a lunatic enabler who would suck the last breath out of a baby if she needed the oxygen, so bitch just needs to stop trying to convince us otherwise.

The only way my Tivo will touch this show is if it includes a full episode dedicated to White Oprah getting schooled and shit on by Fudgie the Whale. And I want it in 3D!

Here’s a few pictures of the soon-to-be Fox Reality TV Award loser leaving the Electric Daisy Carnival in L.A. on Saturday night.

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It’s Montenegro Style!

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Wearing clip-on bangs over her forehead and enough black eye jizz to keep Taylor Momsen’s lids covered for years, St. Angie Jo is on the cover of August’s Vanity Fair. Brangeloonies have already started camping out in front of their local newsstands, but the issue isn’t out until July 6th. VF is trickling out a few quotes from the interview and so far it seems that St. Angie talks mostly about her child army.

St. Angie confirms that Maddox is smarter than Megan Fox (which you thought was impossible, I know) and that Shiloh wants to dress like a boy. St. Angie describes Shiloh’s look as “Montenegro style” because that’s how everyone dresses over there.

MONTENEGRO STYLE = the phrase that fucking pays! I can’t wait to use that one. When don’t know bitches tell me that I’m dressed like I’m about to go buy something at Home Depot (aka butchilicious), I will throw up my nose, give them a haughty look and whisper, “It’s Montenegro style, honey.”

Here’s a few more quotes (via HuffPo & USA Today) from the holy one:

St. Angie on adding more members to the child army: “We’re not opposed to it. But we want to make sure we can give everybody special time. They’re kids now, and can play together, but they’re going to need a lot more talking in the middle of the night, like I did with my mom for hours. We want to make sure we don’t build a family so big that we don’t have absolutely enough time to raise them each really well.”

St. Angie on all the rumors: “There’s a cycle that goes through the newsstands— we’re separating, I’m pregnant, we’re getting married, we’re separating, I’m pregnant, we’re getting married. We’re not against getting married. It’s just like we already are. Children are clearly a commitment, a bigger commitment (than marriage). It’s for life.”

St. Angie cheesing all over Billy Goat Brad: “I keep telling Brad he owes me. He’s had a few months off in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with the children. And he’s such an artist and goes to the stone yards and the art exhibits, and loves being in such a cultural place.”

St. Angie on Shiloh wanting to be a dude: “Shiloh dresses like a little dude. Shiloh, we feel, has Montenegro style. It’s how people dress there. She likes tracksuits, she likes (regular) suits. She likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So we had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys’ everything. She thinks she’s one of the brothers.”

St. Angie on the kids’ personalities: “Mad’s a real intellectual, which I can take no credit for genetically. He’s great at school, great at history. He feels like he could be a writer or travel the world and learn about places and things. Zahara’s got an extraordinary voice and is just so elegant and well spoken. Shiloh’s hysterically funny, one of the goofiest, most playful people you’ll ever meet. Knox and Viv are classic boy and girl. She’s really female. And he’s really a little dude.”

But what about PAX! St. Angie straight up loaded the minivan at the rest stop, drove a few miles and then suddenly remembered Pax was not in the backseat. Pax was back at the rest stop crying on the curb about how she forgot about his ass! What kind of saint forgets one of her own kids? The halo over her head just tilted to the side and cracked a bit. Poor Pax. Without saying it, St. Angie basically described his whole look as Invisible Man style. DAMN HER!

White Hot Fever

June 28, 2010 / Posted by:

The sexiest witness of Jehovah was honored at the BET Awards last night for giving us a lifetime full of pussy-popping hip shimmies and dramatic facial expressions that make all your lips pucker. Prince graciously expected his award while wearing a tunic from Lisa Frank’s New Age collection with his own image on it. Only Prince (and Liza Minnelli….and the Golden Girls…and Steven Seagal) can get away with wearing a turtleneck with flared sleeves! Jehovah’s Witness should make that ensemble their official uniform. That would make me open up the door when they come a knocking.

Prince’s tribute also included a performance featuring Alicia Keys’s pregnant ass crawling on a piano, Patti LaBelle kicking her shoe off and Trey Songz making doves commit suicide. You can watch it here, but the real entertainment was going on in the audience courtesy of Prince. This is what the purple unicorn thought of Trey Songz acts of butchery:

AND THIS is what he emoted while watching Alicia Keys. This is the part where we takes notes.

Prince is reinventing the side-eye by adding a coy lip quiver. Sorry, Gabourey Sidibe, but the word “precious” is going back to Prince thanks to this move. The dude behind Prince knows what I’m talking about.

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