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(Image via FNH)
After Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor were named knights in France’s National Order of Arts in Paris today, they shared a G-rated kiss.
First of all, I’ve inspected these pictures with a La Toya-approved magnifying glass and I don’t see any tongue! They are not following the popular saying, “When in France, touch your co-stars’ tonsils with your tongue.”
Second of all, Ewan McGregor has his eyes open. It looks like he’s counting Jim’s eye lashes. Call me a traditionalist, but I believe you should keep your eyes closed while kissing on the mouth, kissing on the vag and kissing on the peen. Especially the last two because you never know when a rogue genital crab is going to jump into your eye. Try to explain that to your eye doctor (speaking from experience…just joking…I think).
And Jim’s lesbian haircut has me convinced that if they ever make a feature film on the life of Peter Pan Dude, he should play the title role. Correction: Jim Carrey should play Peter Pan Dude if only Shelley Duvall is not available for whatever reason (aka alien hunting).
The same amazing Japanese TV show that brought us the Columbo dog and the pussy with brows continues to report the important news. They bring us this story of the dog who smiles like she just took a loooooong hit from a joint. I know she’s most likely growling at those dumb bitches for chaining her to a pile of crap, but let’s just believe she’s smiling. Let her owners believe it too so she can continue to lure them in her with “smile” and then bite their finger tips off when they least expect it. That’s what they get for keeping her prisoner in front of a junky ass garage.
via The Awl
78-year-old Rip Torn posted $100,000 bail today after spending 3 nights eating cold cheese sandwiches in a Connecticut jail for breaking into a bank with a loaded gun. Rip did not enter a plea to the charges against him today, but his lawyer told the court that he wasn’t trying to rob the bank or hurt anyone. Rip was boozed like a Bad Girl and completely confused. The police report states that Rip made Jack Daniels proud by blowing a .203 on his Breathalyzer.
The police also said that Rip kept screaming about how they were taking him away from his house. This made me laugh at the old crazy, but then I saw a picture of the bank:
That bank looks like a fucking house! Banks aren’t supposed to look like giant dollhouses! It looks it has comfy beds and delicious apple pies waiting inside. I would think that was my house too if I was a 78-year-old drunk with hair like Pennywise the Clown . Arrest that bank house, not Rip! Rip was set up!
Anyways, Rip’s lawyer ended today’s hearing by saying that he’s going to a rehab facility immediately to try to curb his thirst for the sweet nectar. Rip knows that his family is sick of him being that kind of dad who ruins Christmas by falling on the tree and barfing on all the presents.
Last year, adorable elf people Gael Garcia Bernal and Dolores Fonzi welcomed a baby son named Lazaro into this cruel, heartless world. You would think that a love affair between two magical elves would be filled with rainbows and empanadas, but according to TVyNovelas (via Guanabee) all is not well. Some source is saying that Gael has dumped Dolores and is accusing her of doing ho shit in the first degree.
Gael is about to summon the Maury gods, because he’s not sure if baby Lazaro is his or not. Gael has been hearing that Dolores fucked around with film director Luis Ortega right before she got a case of the babies. So there’s a chance that Luis’ sperm made baby Lazaro.
While reading this scandalous shit, I felt like I was lying on my abuelita’s bed watching one of her precious novelas. I was about to speak out, but remembered if I open my mouth during one of her favorites stories I’ll get a slap in the teefs from her ring-covered hand.
And if this plays out like one of my abuelita’s novelas, then Lazaro will turn out to be the switched baby of Dolores’ long-lost evil twin sister who lives in a trailer at the carnival.