Brittney Jones, Ashton Kutcher’s rumored one-time couch fuck, has ventured out of her cardboard box on the ho stroll once again to try milk more coins out of this non-scandal. In a new interview with Star Magazine (via Radar), Brittney says that Ashton and Demi’s private parts are open to others as long as they play around together. Demi wasn’t pissed off because Ashton wet humped on another chick, she was made because he did it without her. That made Demi’s vag frown. This is the mess that Brittney said:
“Ashton said he and Demi have an open relationship and have threesomes often. I didn’t feel at all like he had just cheated on his wife. It felt normal and OK. He (Ashton) said they share women, but he isn’t supposed to go off and sleep with women on his own. He explained that he and Demi had a deal where they had to share lovers. He felt bad that he had been with me and didn’t share.”
You know now that I really let my brain go there, this does make sense. I can totally picture Ashton and Demi as that skeezy swingers couple from HBO’s Real Sex circa 1990s. They troll the club for little young things together and when they pounce on one, they all pile into Ashton’s burgundy Cadillac DeVille with tan leather seats and go back to “the crib.” Demi sits in the backseat with the girl and strokes her thigh while Ashton brags about how he had lunch with Les Moonves.
When they get back to the house, they take the spiral staircase down to Demi and Ashton’s “love den” which is decked out in wood paneled walls, emerald green shag carpeting and a giant round bed covered in a black panther bedspread. Ashton changes into a zebra print thong and tells the girl to choose from a variety of teddies in the mirrored closet. Then Ashton pulls out a bottle of sparkling pink wine (because the ladies love it) from the nightstand/cooler next to the bed and pours a glass for all of them. Ashton and the girl get into bed together and since he can’t grow chest hair, he puts on a hair bib for her to stroke while they watch Demi dance on a makeshift stage in the corner.
Yes, you know which dance Demi does. Demi’s Dance of the Seven Seizures:
Seriously, that’s totally how it plays out. And don’t even get me started on the key parties Ashton and Demi go to.
Rachael Ray is more of a Bob Hoskins than a Jessica Rabbit, but somebody lied in her ear because here she is wearing a fire sale wig made from Big Brother Rachel’s weave scraps for the Halloween episode of her show. That grown man in Roger Rabbit ears who looks like he’s about to lead us into the back of the garage to a play a not right game of “Hide the Carrot” is Rachael’s husband.
Rachael most likely chose to pour herself into sequins because SOOOO many people have told her that she sounds just like Kathleen Turner. You know she thinks that. Kathleen Turner has a raspy voice that could exfoliate a peen and moisturize it afterwards, while Rachael has a Miley Cyrus-approved growl that could castrate a peen and pour saw dust on it afterwards. Big difference.
When I grow older and eventual turn into a 69-year-old Spanish woman with a high ponytail and one good cuchi cuchi shakin’ dress (it’s inevitable), I want to thrust and bust my shit just the way Charo did on The Wendy Williams Show yesterday. Charo is sixty-damn-nine years old and she’s still running around like a horny orangutan who desperately needs a scratch!
While weak young pop stars are postponing their shows due to “exhaustion” and “broken limbs”, Charo is out there stealing their men and lip-synching for everybody’s life! Okay, the truth is Helen Keller could probably lip-synch better than Charo, but that doesn’t matter when you’ve got moves that could give a corpse a boner.
Now we know what the key ingredient in Spanish Fly is. It’s the wind Charo makes when she pops that coochie!
“Since you’re very familiar with genital warts, can you take a look at this real quick….” – Kanye to Kim – The Superficial
Puritan virgin Reese Witherspoon and drunk whore Chelsea Handler are going to play best friends in some movie – Lainey Gossip
Mah Boo and Ellen Degeneres join forces to stop bullying – Towleroad
Hollywood’s Self-proclaimed fugling still buys CDs – Popoholic
Elizabeth Hurley’s titty balls might be feeling a bit claustrophobic – Hollywood Tuna
Miranda Kerr is just letting the gas out (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
GAYSCANDALO (not really): The secret second life of Neil Patrick Harris’ partner – Celebitchy
Mah Boo and I getting a drink together – OMG Blog
If you want your day ruined, take a hard look at Amy Fisher’s buttafuoco – Egotastic!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww – The Berry
Posh doesn’t mind that Becks has a voice like a pre-pubescent Mickey Mouse – Popsugar
The new (bong) apple of Charlize Theron’s eye – Just Jared
Get acquainted with Kate Winslet’s nipples if you haven’t already – Cityrag
Emma Stone cast in that new Spider-Man shit, but not as MJ = I’m Not Obsessed
Gis Bundchen is like: “I’m not talking to you if you’re going to cover up the Bieber on your head” – ICYDK
Brendan Fraser looking like a supreme court justice – SOW
NeNe needs to come correct, honey – Crunk + Disorderly
Stunt queen extraordinaire Kanye West in Paris with Selita Banks – Hollywood Rag
Guy Sebastian presents a Freudian slip – TDW
Every woman should carry a Sharpie in her purse, right next to a bedazzled personal taser gun and a ribbed penis sleeve (in case your one night stand’s dick situation needs a little dressing up). Not only can you use a Sharpie to paint an archway of exquisite glamour over your eyes, but you can also use it to stab a bitch in the neck when they aren’t cooperating! This is what the first Miss Kentucky Latina used her Sharpie for at a gas station in Richmond, Kentucky last week. I guess “Sharpie-ing a ho in the froat” is Miss Kentucky Latina’s first official order of business. Curtsy before the crazy before you get cut!
WHAS11.com reports that 22-year-old Daniela Gaskie got into it with a gas station employee before stabbing him in the neck with her royal scepter. The toxic Sharpie fumes must have raised her crazy to a fever pitch, because that bitch ran across the street and started beating on her own car! SHARPIE RAMPAGE!
An employee from a nearby pharmacy came outside to ask Miss Kentucky Latina why she was committing auto abuse. Wrong move. Miss Crazy Bitch 20010 turned her rage onto the pharmacy employee and started beating that poor thing! The cops finally arrived and dragged her off to jail. She was charged with assault, disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. She also lost her crown.
But who needs that shit anyways? I’m sure there’s a group of softcore cholas somewhere who will gladly crown her Miss Cholita Queen because of her weapon of choice. And they won’t even need to jump her in!
And please tell me that’s her mug shot. Fresh lipstick, not a hair out of place and smudge-free pristine eyebrows… You can take her crown, but you can’t take her beauty!
Irmgard Holm of Phoenix, Arizona almost gave herself a permanent wink when she accidentally filled her eye with super glue instead of the prescription eye drops she takes for her cataract surgery.
Note to self: Do not keep your spray lube and a can of Easy Off in the same place.
Note to Irmgard: Thank you for your “I was almost turned into a pirate captain” story, because now I know what brand of super glue to use since the bootleg shit I use always dries up at the tip. Cutting that mess off with a pair of scissors is a real inconvenience.