Betty White On The Passing Of Rue McClanahan

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Betty White, who is the last Golden Girl sitting on the rattan sofa in the living room, was asked to comment on the loss of Rue McClanahan and she said this:

“Rue was a close and dear friend. I treasure our relationship. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, if that’s even possible.”

And on that sad note, let’s watch a video of Rue shimmying her shit with all her might back in the day:

via Videogum & People

Of Course Suri Has An iPad

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

File this under: Thing That Rich Ass Kids Have. 4-year-old Suri Cruise already has a collection of fancy high-heels that even makes Tommy Girl slobber when he looks at it, and a closet full of custom-made dresses sewn by alien children in a sweat shop on another planet, so OF COURSE she has an Apple sanitary napkin.

Life & Style says that at a midnight dinner in NYC a week ago, Suri played with her new iPad while Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie talking about dumb shit with their guests. A creepy witness said that they watched Suri draw on it for 20 minutes before she left the restaurant with her parents.

My guess is that Suri saw Tommy changing his maxi pad (his no-no leaks) one day and she begged for one of her own. Since you can’t give a 4-year-old a maxi pad, he gave her the next best thing. And this is good for Suri, because now she can discreetly sketch Stepford Katie’s escape route from the Scientology mansion instead of drawing it on the inside of her dress.

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What A Fucking Lady

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Just because Amy Wino now has a boyfriend who wears clean chonies and probably dabs the corners of his mouth with a fresh white hanky after he drunks voms into a toilet, doesn’t mean she needs to hang up her crackhive and retire her messy drunken ways. And thank the bottle of well whiskey for that, because then we wouldn’t have these glorious pictures of Amy Wino striking all kinds of “skanky sorority girl with a fake ID” poses last night.

Wino performed a small set at the Jazz After Dark bar and celebrated the fact that she didn’t spit into the eye of an audience member or pass out into the drum set by infecting some of her fans and throwing fuckfaces at the paps. If Hugh Hefner is ever looking for a centerfold for Playboy’s Beauties of the Crackhouse issue, he just needs to put a shot of something strong on his doorstep and Wino will come a running!

Here’s Wino looking like she just crawled out of a dumpster where she was passed out face first in a pile of old extra chunky chili. Wait, maybe that wasn’t chili.

Open Post: Hosted By POOP Tacos

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Since I’m already punching at angels in the air over Rue McClanahan’s death, I might as well go completely off the edge…..and I’m taking you with me! This is Fishsticks Paltrow showing us how she stuffs her taco with shrimps in a cooking video for GOOP. Thinking about Fishy’s shrimp taco is the last thing I needed today. I bet even her shrimp taco frowns at her. Anyways, suffer with me. We’ll all jump when she says, “DONESVILLE!

via POOP

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NOOOO: Rue McClanahan Has Died

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

People reports that the angelic gift from heaven known as Rue McClanahan has returned home today. Rue’s rep said that she passed away at 1 this morning from a massive stroke. Rue was 76. Excuse me while I scream “NOOOOOOOO” through the streets while tearing my hair out. I’ll be back to write some more.

And I’m back, but I left my heart at the bus stop so it can go to the bakery to buy my ass a cheesecake from C-Town to drown my sadness in. Just last night I came home with the drunks and soothed my dry heaves by watching an episode of The Golden Girls. It was the one where the ladies get robbed and Blanche finds out that the thieving thief snatched her jo-ree from the jar of flour she hid it in. Dorothy called Blanche an idiot, because she says everyone hides their jooree in the flour. And now I want to hide my prized Pac-Man Swatch watch in a jar of flour in honor of Rue.

Rue’s rep added that she was surrounded by her family when she waltzed off to the giant lanai in the sky with Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

Rest in peace, Rue. And thank you for playing a character that showed me it’s okay to be a big ass slut with a bitchy tongue as long you do it while wearing pastel florals. I’ve lost a role model in life!

Now let’s all form a protective circle around Betty White while she eats a piece of cheesecake by herself at the table 🙁

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Nice Try, CROCS!

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

A recent poll shows that the majority of the world’s population has jumped over to the light side and now believes that CROCS are made from the charred souls of Satan’s slaves in the depths of HELL (I’m lying, there’s no such poll). That is exactly why the CROCS main PR department, whose offices are in the 6th circle, is trying to win you back by pulling at your heart strings until your arteries split open and bleed tears made of AWWWWWWs. Example: This story about an adorable PAID LITTLE ACTOR English boy whose young life was saved thanks to a pair of CROCS! You feel the first string tugging already, don’t you. WEAK FUCKS!

Danielle Sutton-Dormer of Essex tells the Daily Mail that her 3-year-old son Harley got electrocuted from a faulty blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room at a leisure centre near their home. Harley suffered a few minor burns, but the paramedics said it could’ve been much much worse if he wasn’t wearing the lifesaving CROCS. Harley’s mother said, “The paramedic said he was really lucky he was wearing Crocs shoes at the time, as they stopped the electricity going through his legs and coming out of his feet and probably saved him from serious injury.”

The moral of the story is, do not use a fucked up blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room! But if the importance of hair forces you to do so, slip two giant rubber vaginas over your feet or stand on two dildos. They will also stop the shock and you won’t look like a complete fool. Okay, you will look like a complete fool (who is mostly likely on some kind of government list), but at least you won’t be contributing to EVIL!

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