Little known Olympic events:
Synchronized Rimming – Sweetas
I whip my leg back and forth, I whip my leg back and forth – Provolone
Message to J-Lo from Fidel Castro: Thanks a lot, bitch. Now everybody wants to air out their crotches here. – OurMissC
December 2021: Joel and Collin Gosselin were expelled from their 15th school today after having a farting match in gym class. Their mother, Kate Gosselin said that the boys are still working through anger issues related to the divorce. – City Barbie
Dr. Tammy Banovac, a ravishing and flawless 52-year-old retired surgeon who showed up to the Will Rogers World Airport in Oklahoma City on Tuesday wearing nothing but a trench coat, lace lingerie, a frozen expression of grace and a pristine pearl necklace. Now this is a lady!
Dr. Tammy never goes through the metal detector at the airport, because she’s wheelchair bound and well, her wheelchair is made of metal. So Dr. Tammy always gets a hand search, but she says an experience with the TSA two weeks ago left her feeling violated. Dr. Tammy tells The Oklahoman, “If it happened anywhere else, it would have been sexual assault.” Dr. Tammy wanted to avoid having the same experience again so she stripped down to her delicate panties and bra before going through the security line on Tuesday. Dr. Tammy figured that if she got practically nekkid there wouldn’t be a need to get all into her intimate areas.
Things didn’t go too smoothly, because the TSA found traces of nitrates on her wheelchair and luggage. Dr. Tammy thinks it could’ve been from a hunting trip or something. For about an hour, the TSA continued to search and question Dr. Tammy while she graciously sat there with her fluffy white dog friend. The search process took so damn long that Tammy missed her flight to Phoenix and was told to come back the next day. Wearing the same black lingerie and a trench coat, Dr. Tammy arrived at the airport yesterday and made her flight without any problems.
Below is a video someone took of Dr. Tammy on Tuesday as she patiently waited at the security checkpoint. The picture of absolute beauty and glamour! It’s almost as if she’s sitting in a leather armchair in the library of her mansion patiently waiting for her sugar daddy to finish up with his business so he can take her diamond shopping. PERFECTION! She’s like an animatronic Loni Anderson! Behold, from the mind of David Lynch:
Britney Jean Spears (29)
Cassie Steele (21)
Nelly Furtado (32)
Monica Seles (37)
Wilson Jermaine Heredia (39)
Anthony “Treach” Criss (40)
Rena Sofer (42)
Lucy Liu (42)
Rick Savage (50)
Steven Bauer (54)
Stone Phillips (56)
Dan Butler (56)
Cathy Lee Crosby (66)
Julie Harris (85)
My Tivo queue is sponsored by Waste Management, so for some strange reason I don’t follow that Teen Mom trash, but I do follow tragically awesome tattoo masterpieces and Amber’s got one of the greatest. This magic marker mess is almost a form of birth control, because unless you’re huffing on freon who wants to hump on a tattoo that looks like a portrait of Angus T. Jones? Museum of Awful Tattoos, please welcome Amber!
No, this is not a picture of Joyce DeWitt after another drunken night of debauchery at the Regal Beagle. In case you couldn’t tell from the puss that has pushed itself out of your zit hole and is now splattered across your monitor, this is Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty looking as swole as a pregnant lady’s foot at the launch of his new exclusive line of luxury joo-ree in London tonight.
Just in time for Hanukkah! And just in time for flu season too since you will need a shot of something germ-killing before you slip up on one of Dreamy’s trinkets. It’s a good thing I get my CDC-mandated shots at the top of every month, because one of Dreamy’s necklaces will be on my Christmas wish list this year! Wait. You can get that shit at Claire’s, right?
Meet Joseph Guiso an Australian dude who married his 5-year-old labrador Honey at a park near their home in Toowoomba, QLD yesterday afternoon. While surrounded by their family and friends, Joseph and Honey were pronounced husband and wife by Father Hipster. You may now sniff the bride’s ass.
Joseph tells The Chronicle that he is a religious person and felt guilty about living in sin with Honey so he decided they should seal their love in front of God. Joseph got in his knees, stared deeply into Honey’s eyes, ignored the DNW expression plastered all over her face and said to her, “You’re my best friend and you make every part of my day better.” Joseph also promised his family and friends that his relationship with Honey is made of pure love, but a jar of
peanut butter Vegamite is not involved. Basically, Joseph is not Monaghan-ing Honey. So he says.
There’s two MAJOR wrong things with this wedding. No, it isn’t that a dude is marrying a dog. Dogs have married a lot worse. One is that Honey has her eyes wide open for her first marital kiss with her husband. Maybe Honey isn’t a romantic. If that’s the case, this marriage is doomed to pop like her anal glands since Joseph obviously has romance running through his veins. Or maybe Honey’s got her eyes out in case Joseph busts out the lipstick. That’s Honey’s cue to voluntarily check herself into the pound.
Secondly, this is Honey’s big day and the bitch shows up wearing a wrinkled ass bed sheet. What kind of bride wears that busted shit?! Somewhere an Australian boy is missing his DIY superhero cape. How dreadful! This is exactly why Animal Planet needs a bridal show called Say Woof to the Dress.