That Hair

May 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Xtina probably looked in the mirror today and saw Marilyn Monroe staring back at her. Some like it NO. That peroxide mop conjures up images of an Upper East Side widow whose dusty old wig is always crooked. You know that old ho. Her teeth have a permanent red lipstick skidmark on them, she’s always wearing saggy pantyhose and she never picks up after her raggedy dog when it shits on the sidewalk. Ole’ girl smells like Tosca powder, castor oil, ground up pills and cooking wine.

You know, since I put it THAT way maybe this really is the look. Carry on, Xtina.

In other non-news, here’s Xtina performing the ho shit anthem of the summer on Oprah today. You might want to back your ears up, because girl is hollering like a hyena getting its asshole bleached with boric acid.

And more pictures of Xtina in NYC today. From the neck up she’s a rich widow who doesn’t give a fuck. From the neck down she looks like every Madonna era simultaneously heaved all over her. Actually, she looks like that from head to toe.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

May 7, 2010 / Posted by:

This former A list hip hop singer and rapper who had hit after hit five or six years ago has this gorgeous female Asian assistant. At least everyone thinks she is female. She is on top but not on the bottom and that is just the way our singer likes it. (CDAN)

For the rapper I’ll guess: 50 Cent, The Game, Juvenile, Nelly or Busta Rhymes? And for the assistant: Tila Tequila, obviously. A trans goblin has to pay her rent somehow before becoming a media mogul.

This former long time A list singer is so whacked out on crack that except for when she is performing she sits around in a bathrobe or naked all day without her wig just smoking away. At this point she doesn’t care who sees her or hears her. There have been complaints of screaming and things breaking at every hotel she has stayed in on this tour. (CDAN)

CAROL CHANNING! And by “Carol Channing” I mean Whitney Houston? Bobbbbbaaaaay B!

This well-known young actress went shopping at a drug store in the middle of the night, her friend or assistant by her side. The celeb was a little paranoid about their purchases, so she would point out something on the shelf and the assistant would put it in the basket she was carrying. As the clerk rang up the items, she casually said “You two girls look too young to be out this late” To which the actress replied, “My parents know that I’m out. This stuff is for them.” The clerk just smiled and kept checking them out. We’re sure lots of parents send their child out in the middle of the night to buy cold medicine and condoms and Mountain Dew. (Blind Gossip)

Taylor Momsen? And she forgot the Jolly Ranchers. How can you make Purple Drank without Jolly Ranchers? Brit Brit is so offended.

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How Fishy Got Her Body Ready For Iron Man 2

May 7, 2010 / Posted by:

At the very beginning of her POOP newsletter this week, Fishsticks Paltrow writes, “traversed the globe,” so you know this shit is going to be a new kind of pretentious. Fishy writes that so many people (aka nobody) asked her how she got her body ready for Iron Man 2.

No, Fishy didn’t prepare by only nibbling on oxygen and sniffing organic pieces of lettuce. She actually put herself on a 5-day diet and exercise plan to lose the extra “winter weight.” “Winter weight” is what the rest of us call “our bodies year fucking round.

Here’s how Fishy got the sexy body of a piece of fax paper. It helps if you read this while eating a slice of pizza or birthday cake. Or a piece of birthday cake wrapped in a slice of pizza. This shit really does explain everything:

7am: Wake up, rotate the stick in your ass so it points towards the sun, drink green tea
Breakfast: Eat a Think Thin bar or a shake made of almond milk, blueberries and fancy powder
8am: Look like an idiot for 90-minutes while doing this workout from the sun-dried goblin known as Tracy Anderson
9:30am: Clean up the shitty mess you made after projectile caca-ing everywhere from working out after drinking a blueberry shake
Post-workout: Drink kale juice
1pm lunch: Eat a vegan wrap with Jicama slices or boneless grilled chicken or a lock of your hair
Afternoon snack: Eat a handful of almonds, kale juice or a shake made of distilled ice chips
Dinner: Eat turkey kale soup and a chopped salad

Fishy did that for five days. No wonder she’s so terrible. Bitch is HONGRAY. Your stomach isn’t chanting, Fishy, it’s growling because it wants a delicious piece of fried cheese!

Seriously, at the end of day one, I’d be at the nearest McDonald’s begging them to serve me a hamburger bun covered with the contents of their grease bin.

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Afternoon Crumbs

May 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Prince Hot Ginge got his wings today. Out of respect for this momentous occasion I will refrain from making a red wings joke – Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman’s new movie is starting to look as entertaining as watching a pig slowly roast at a luau – Egotastic!

Lindsay Lohan keeps a bodyguard around to help her open up the more stubborn bottles of booze – The Superficial

The new Arianna Huffington taking her twin plastic baby heads out for a walk – Hollywood Tuna

Kenny Rogers is a doctor now?! (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Whoever left their cooler filled with hard lemonade and frozen daiquiri pouches in Times Square just effed up everyone’s afternoon – Towleroad

A lethal combination: The seriously hot piece behind Jennifer Aniston is giving side-eye and duckface – Popoholic

The giant key party that is Hollywood continues to roll on – Celebitchy

Why does my nose get the itch for Strawberry Suave when I look at ScarJo’s V cover? – Popsugar

Rolling in his grave: Jack Kerouac will be doing it all year – Just Jared

You are a mean girl, you are in high school, and Bethenny Frankel is in labor – ICYDK

Ick. Nast. Trash. – I’m Not Obsessed

Noel Fielding looking like a fat Kurt CobainHoly Moly!

Getting off a boat is hard – Cityrag

Khloe Kardashian will roar and flip cars when she finds out that’s not whipped cream – Moe Jackson

Holly Madison’shair” is starting to resemble something that Kim Zolciak might spit up – Hollywood Rag

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Open Post: Hosted By An Angry Hippie

May 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Who needs to go to school when all of life’s most important lessons can be learned at the bus stop. The Gosselin children were taught a new trick to show Kate at the dinner table that night when Chris Robinson some mad ass parent gave the paparazzi (and us) a special R-rated double feature of “fuck yous.” THINK OF THE CHIRRUNS.

Although, ole’ dude probably didn’t teach the Gosselin children anything new. I mean, if you were raised by a pair of assholes you’d probably figure out how to flip a ho off before learning how to walk.

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