Beverly McClellan from The Voice!
The Voice’s live shows started last night and let’s just say that it was a whole lot of messy messy messy messy messy. Three words: XTINA NO PANTS. Xtina’s fupa should not be contained, but it was contained last night in tight black Spandex panties that made me pull an eye muscle. (Next time I’m going to take a tip from Xtina by slathering my eyelids with 100lbs of melted dumb bells so that I can’t even move my eyes to pull a muscle.) But there was a twinkle in the mountain of flat notes, sequined headbands and looks of fear usually seen on the murder victims in Hostel (I’m looking at you, Xenia). And that twinkle was Bev, the bald lesbian from Ft. Lauderdale who has been performing in bars and clubs for the past 20 years. Leave it to a seasoned ho with a neck tat to put all those bitches to shame.
My mom asked me a few episodes ago if Bev has ever been in prison, because she’s got the kind of swagger that makes everybody drop their soaps in the shower room. I don’t know the answer to that question, but I do know that I’d be her bottom bunk wife if she asked me. Here’s Bev hollering like Britney with a green umbrella during last night’s performance:
My only critique is that they really need to stop with the Melissa Etheridge songs. Just because she likes to roll her tongue on labia doesn’t mean she should be singing Melissa Etheridge songs. Bev better watch it. If she keeps singing Melissa Etheridge songs, Tammy Lynn Michaels is going to start writing 3,000 word haikus about how she broke her heart with a box of new dildos. But other than that, I say GOOOOO BEV!
Joan Rivers (78)
Irina Lazareanu (29)
Maria Menounos (33)
Kanye West (34)
Shilpa Shetty (36)
Mark Feurstein (40)
Gabrielle Giffords (41)
Dan Futterman (44)
Julianna Marguiles (45)
Nick Rhodes (49)
Kristine W (49)
Mick Hucknall (51)
Keenan Ivory Wayans (53)
Griffin Dunn (56)
Bonnie Tyler (60)
Sonia Braga (61)
Kathy Baker (61)
Nancy Sinatra (72)
Jerry Stiller (84)
Barbara Bush (85)
For a woman whose uterus is always doing the slow motion Intervention wail and who can’t go a few seconds without hearing the high-pitched screech of a toddler, Michelle Duggar has maintained a stunning mane of crunchy curls that looks like a hair waterfall orgasming a spray of bangs. It’s like a party in the front AND a party in the back. You can laugh all you want, but Michelle Duggar has been laughing at all of us since 1986. While we’ve been Japanese straightening, crimping, cutting, pulling and weaving our hair over the years, Michelle has been sitting back and cackling! Michelle knows her shit is classic and doesn’t need messing with.
I bet that when Jim Bob is filling her up with Duggar #419 and their latest baby is sliding out under his peen, her hair doesn’t even move. That coif of gorgeousness is built to last. If you put your ear up to her bangs, you’d hear the sound of a dozen AquaNet cans queefing in unison.
A jumbo curling iron, a sore finger from pressing down the hairspray nozzle so hard, a tub of Dep gel, a million cries from the ozone layer and a Judy Torres tape on the boombox is how beauty is made! Michelle Duggar’s head is always giving birth to glamour. It’s like her head is a shell and her hair is Venus.
Here’s all three thousand members of the Duggar family outside of NBC studios this morning after they pimped out their book and reality show on Today. It wasn’t sunny in NYC today. That’s just the glare of Michelle’s jealous haters trying to burn her beauty down. Didn’t work. Won’t work. Never.
During a panel of ABC network showrunners held Saturday at the Producers Guild’s Produced By Conference in Burbank, Marc Cherry draw laughs when he described how he has had to coax performances out of one of his stars.
“One of my actresses on Desperate Housewives is not funny,” he said, before offering that he coaches her by saying, “Sweetie, if you raise your eyebrow here, you’ll get a laugh.” Cherry didn’t reveal the actress in question, but continued, “She does, and she gets nominations. Daddy’s little girl does comedy. I’m part daddy, part psychiatrist.” (The Hollywood Reporter via Blind Gossip)
Marc Cherry sounds like a gigantic cunt queen royale who would spit at an acting baby and slap its mom like a dignitary if it didn’t coo on cue. Oh how I just want to curl around his devil hooves and listen to him talk shit all day. And with that, I’m going to say he was not talking about Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher or Vanessa Williams. They don’t need coaching
In order for Marcia Cross to raise an eyebrow, you’d need a chisel and a steam iron to melt the Botox. So I’ll guess Eva Longoria. Science doesn’t lie!
Which womanizing actor from a hit ’90s TV series is living a double life as a gay man? This comic genius always has sexy women on his arm, but his cover almost got blown when he propositioned the wrong guy, who can’t stop talking about it! (Blind Gossip)
Alf, obviously. Or Jim Carrey? Or James Franco (he is a genius of ALL mediums)?
This is one of the hottest tickets in town. This mom, who is married, or I think she is married, close enough anyway to this former A list movie actor who is still a solid B with A+ name recognition started a club. It is for celebrity mothers. Each month, a play date/party is held where the moms bring their kids called PPP. Pot, porn and petting. Yep, the kind of petting you think. Apparently all of the moms are in hetero relationships but like the monthly bonding. One former B list movie actress from one hit movie who keeps failing at television is rumored to have gotten pregnant solely because she wanted to come to these parties. Who watches the kids? (CDAN)
Why does this sound like the made-up plot of a late night Showtime reality show that was co-created by the producers of The Real L-Word and The Babysitters Club movie?
The kind of petting I’m thinking is “petting puppies,” so shove a baby in me and get me into this club!
The thought of getting all 192 profile pictures of your Facebook friends tattooed into your ar sounds like some kind of shit that would be the star of The Museum of Shitty Tattoos. But after watching this video of a woman doing just that, I have to admit that it doesn’t look like a yearbook page that was printed out on a sheet of thin skin from a faulty inkjet printer. It actually looks pretty good. If I was ever to fulfill the #2 item on my cum bucket list by getting my first crush (Bow from She-Ra) tattooed in glitter on my Orko (80s nerd talk), I’d get this tattoo artist to do it!
And I wonder if Miss Facebook Sleeve asked all of her 192 friends for permission before she did this shit? If she did, I’m disappointed in all of them! Not because they agreed to get their faces permanently inked into their friend’s arm. But because they didn’t screw with her by immediately changing their profile pictures to Blue Waffle before she went under the needle.
Update your files, Jared Leto is a spitter – Hollywood Rag
If Posh doesn’t get her salad dressing on the side, a gnarling testicle face will bark at you – Lainey Gossip
The creator of Lost basically said that the smoke monster would’ve made a better Emma Frost than January Jones did – The Superficial
James Franco’s high art tribute to Brad Renfro moves me to say: “TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND JUST STOP!” – Towleroad
Lady Gaga wears another creation from the House of Lookatmelookatmelookatmelookatmelookatme (Site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Marisa Miller gets motorboated by a bear – Hollywood Tuna
Cameron Diaz and A-Rod really are back together, but more importantly, what in pizza feet hell is that on her hooves? – Popsugar
More kitchen ass wigs and whack ass accents are coming your way courtesy of Angie Jolie – Just Jared
Even Maddox has to slow clap at Jennifer Aniston’s alleged acts of homewreckery – Celebitchy
Hot young nalgas alert – OMG Blog
Miranda Kerr needs to give those gold cuffs back to Wonder Woman – Popoholic
I am so happy about this Thelma & Louise reunion that I won’t even make a comment about the current state of Geena Davis’ face – SOW
Kelly Bensimon looking like a salmon jerky sushi roll – ICYDK
Look at this fucking hipster toddler – The Berry
Rest in peace, Shrek the Sheep – The Daily What
Mary-Kate Olsen shows us what Barbara Bush would’ve worn if she was first lady in 3011 – Go Fug Yourself
Get a room (inside of a quarantine tent in the middle of the Arabian desert), you two! – I’m Not Obsessed
(Image via Fame Pictures)