Blake Lively Is Carol Ferris

January 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively has beat out the likes of Jennifer Garner, Eva Green, Diane Krueger and Kerri Russell for the role of Carol Ferris in The Green Lantern movie (working title: Ryan Reynolds in Spandex – The Movie). Apparently, the director and the producers originally wanted to cast someone older, but Blake’s chichis game audition impressed them so much that they gave her the job. Somewhere in Downtown Manhattan, Harvey Weinstein is quietly weeping into his bowl of crushed double-stuffed Oreos and buttermilk while sitting on the toilet. Yes, I’m a firm believer that Harvey is the eating on the pot type.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Carol Ferris is an aerospace executive who hires cocky test pilot Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) who later becomes The Green Lantern, Yes, Blake is going to play an aerospace executive. This is almost better than the time Denise Richards played a nuclear physicist in a Bond movie. It looks like Megan Fox’s dream of playing a trigonometry professor could come true after all.

Shooting is expected to star in Louisiana this March. The Green Lantern will be out in theaters on June 17, 2011.

Hopefully, they will add subtitles to this shit, because whenever Blake talks it sounds like she’s got a bunch of oversized anal beads in her mouth (aka Tommy Girl’s second language).

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Jon Grosselin Still Gets The Ladies

January 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Why does this picture look like the evil forest goblin snatching on to the town’s virgin before dragging her back to his lair? That’s because it is. Sort of.

Radar reports that Jon Grosselin’s voluptuous rack and creeping hairline has charmed yet another lady. Jon has moved on from Hailey Glassman and is now dating 25-year-old Morgan Christie. Just like Hailey, Morgan comes from a family with deep pockets. Sit on your hands, gold diggers of the world, because Jon is not a wallet fucker we are going to applaud for.

Jon and Morgan met at a ski resort in Utah. Morgan lives in California, but she flew to NYC to be with Jon for Christmas. Since that trip, a source says they have been texting non-stop.

Did Morgan not learn anything from Hailey? A potted plant can love her better than Jon Grosselin. My advice to Morgan is to immediately cleanse herself of the douche by sacrificing an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Once she’s done with that, she should got to the nearest nursery and find herself a good potted plant with a sturdy trunk and clean leaves.

Ivana Trump Is Shy

January 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Fresh off her role as a child-hating airplane goddess, Ivana Trump sashayed into the Celebrity Big Brother house last night to inject some much needed glamor into that joint. However, Ivana didn’t go into the house without the producers agreeing to a few of her conditions. Ivana demanded that a mosquito net be put around her bed, because she claims flies give her the scared shakes and they don’t back down when she call them “little fuckers.

This is the part of the post where I joke about how flies only love Ivana’s face because it looks like a mound of butt gravy on the sidewalk that has developed a soft crust from being exposed to the winter sun.

But a source tells The Sun that Ivana’s phobia of flies has nothing to do with why she requested the mosquito net. Apparently, Ivana wants some privacy in the morning for when she needs to decorate her face with 10 pounds of paint. The source explained, “Ivana has been saying she is petrified of flies so needs the net, but we told her this is Elstree in January not the Caribbean The real reason is she wants some time in the mornings to put her make-up on before she faces the cameras.

Jokes aside, the hard truth is that Ivana is only trying to protect the camera lenses and mortal eyes. If her natural beauty was exposed, the walls would collapse, lenses would shatter into a million pieces and retinas would singe. Ivana only wears make-up to protect the world from her organic gorgeousness. This is my explanation and I’m sticking to it, because I really don’t want Ivana yelling at me if we’re ever on the same flight.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 9, 2010 / Posted by:

George Gund III – Philanthropist, documentary producer, owner of the San Jose Sharks, a best friend to all San Franciscans, and more importantly the pedestal to two fantastically magical silver bushel brows.

Normally, I only get on my knees and bow for eyebrows of the Sharpie variety, but I’m not prejudiced so I must give credit where credit is due. I really just want to walk through George Gund’s eyebrow fields of silver. Then I want to give them a hug, which wouldn’t be hard since you really could LITERALLY give them a hug. Like you could wrap both of your arms around them. And after I did that, I’d dip them in paint and brush my walls with them. Brows of all trade.

And you know what else makes George’s Don King brows so glorious? They probably tickle his forehead every time he moves just a little bit. They give his forehead an orgasm every 10 seconds. A gift!

Image via Steve Rhodes Flickr (Thanks Kelly)

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Birthday Sluts

January 9, 2010 / Posted by:

A.J. McLean (32)
Kate Middleton (28)
Maggie Rizer (32)
Angela Bettis (37)
Lara Fabian (40)
Joey Lauren Adams (42)
Dave Matthews (43)
Haddaway (45)
Joely Richardson (45)
Imelda Staunton (54)
J.K. Simmons (55)
Crystal Gayle (59)
Jimmy Page (66)
Joan Baez (69)
Brian Friel (81)
Judith Krantz (82)

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Move Over, Daryl Hannah

January 8, 2010 / Posted by:

LiLo went off to India last month to film a BBC documentary about child trafficking, and here’s the first trailer for it.

You know, I’m not sure why she went all the way to India to learn about child trafficking. She could’ve just interviewed her own parents. Okay, okay, I know she’s trying to get some publicity, but it’s hard for me to fake a seriousface while watching this when she’s got two giant gummy worms on her face.

via ONTD

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