John Tesh & Oprah Did It Once

April 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Before John Tesh was a New Age block of cheese who does gymnastics commentary, and before Oprah was Gayle’s favorite bath time partner, the two lived together in Nashville in the 1970s.

In a new Oprah tell-all, biographer Kitty Kelly (which is also the nickname of someone’s vagina, I’m sure) writes that John and Oprah swirled it up in Tennessee back in the day.

According to Kitty, John moved out of their apartment in the middle of the night, because he couldn’t handle the pressures of being in an interracial relationship at that time. From the NYDN:

He said one night he looked down and saw his white body next to her black body and couldn’t take it anymore,” another Tesh ex-paramour told Kelley.

He walked out in the middle of the night. … He told me he later felt very guilty about it.”

Winfrey spokeswoman Angela DePaul said Saturday that Oprah was not commenting on the highly anticipated book.

John issued this statement to Entertainment Tonight about his relationship with Oprah: “Oprah and I were cub reporters in Nashville nearly 40 years ago and we dated for a short time. We even talked about it during one of my appearances on her show. We remain friends to this day.

Somebody give Kitty a Q-tip and a back scratch, because she needs to calm down! I mean, John ran out of there after looking at his white ass next to Oprah’s black booty? ! I’m sure John licked on Oprah’s booty several times up until that point. Besides, if John really did Oprah wrong, the mighty fist of God would’ve destroyed him a long ass time ago.

Kenny Chesney’s Box Was Too Full

April 12, 2010 / Posted by:

When Kenny Chesney and Squinty Zellweger quit each other after only 4-months of marriage, they cited “fraud” as the official reason for their annulment. Everybody figured “fraud” was just a legal word for “Renee has a vagina.” For the first time since their split, Kenny spoke to Oprah (via Toronto Sun) about why their marriage didn’t work out. It’s because Kenny’s box was way too full! Power bottoms and their problems!

Kenny, who is tangier than a rack of honey barbecued pork ribs, said, “I look at it as a box, my life as a box… so everything that I put in … learning how to play guitar – put in that box, friends I made – I put in that box. My career grew and everything around me, all the awards and all the songs I wrote and all the success, everything, I put in that box. And that box grew to this wonderful house. You protect everything and all the relationships and all the people that helped you build that house… I protected that box and I didn’t know if I could do both. She was a sweet soul, no doubt about it.

Kenny and his damn box. All he had to say was that Squinty didn’t know how to make his box burst (aka bitch’s strap-on skills are whack), which is why he shaved her off and sent her back to the barber shop. And speaking of hot boxes….

While I was looking for pictures of Squinty, I came across this piping hot piece who is speaking my language:

Ken Paves Is Turning Jessica Simpson Into A Clone of Himself

April 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson Tweeted a couple of photos yesterday of her wig orgy with Ken Paves during a flight. Jessica posted the picture above with the caption: “Carol Brady who? :)” CAROL BRADY?! Bitch wishes she looked like Barry Williams’ favorite MILF to fap to.

Jessica looks more like a middle-aged Palm Springs swinger from the 70s who spends her days sipping vodka lemonade in her backyard while her Latin house boy spreads tanning oil all over her body. So basically, she looks like Ken Paves.

And here’s another one:

Obviously, Jessica didn’t take a pair of scissors to her mane. If she did, Papa Joe would be proudly walking the streets in a bikini made from Jessica’s hair.

via USWeekly


We Can’t All Be As Perfect As AC Slater

April 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Mario Lopez won’t pirouette from his house in the morning until every follicle is in its place, both of his dimples have been polished, and his pecs are perking up real pretty-like. A source tells Page Six that Mario is so obsessed with beauty that he even made his girlfriend, Courtney Mazza, fix her overall body situation before being photographed with her in public. Well, this is understandable seeing as though AC Slater is used to being around perfect goddesses like Jessie Spano.

The source explained, “Courtney was engaged to a guy in Queens before she met Mario, but once they got together she dropped everything to go to California and be with him. He encouraged her to work out with a trainer every day. She underwent a boob job and liposuction last spring. Once her body was perfect, he arranged for them to be photographed on a beach.

I bet you Mario is one of those crazy bitches who doesn’t even want to think about his girlfriend going pee pee times, so he forces her to play the sounds of the rainforest while she’s pissing so his ears won’t hear it. That shit reminds me of the time I accidentally (okay, it wasn’t an accident) farted in front of some dude I was dating for about a week. Dude acted like I just murdered a family of bald eagles! He told me to go to the bathroom and then asked me if I was raised by wolves. Yeah, farting wolves to be exact. And why would I need to go to the bathroom anyway? To wipe my ass post-fart? That’s what underwear is for.

Anyway, Courtney is currently knocked up with their baby, so that’s going to make things interesting. Mario will have a body waxer, make-up artist, b-hole bleacher and plastic surgeon on hand when Courtney gives birth. And that will be just for the baby!


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