OH DEAR GOD WHY!?

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Why in swole hooves hell did Wendy Williams Tweet this picture from the set of Dancing with the Stars today? And why in the name of an Epsom salt baptism did TMZ repeat it on their site? But more importantly, why am I destroying your foot fetish by posting it here? Because I’m dragging you down into the WHY?!!! abyss with me.

But serious talk, should I be jealous of Wendy because she can fuck somebody with her extra plump boil and teabag a trick with her foot?

Wendy should at least dress it up a bit by sprinkling a little bit of powdered sugar on top. Then instead of looking like the inflamed gonad of a chupacabra, it would look like a delicious beignet! A delicious beignet that Kirstie Alley may or may not gnaw off when Wendy takes a nap. Problem solved!

Afternoon Crumbs

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Keith Urban can’t hide his subtle “Great, now her face is going to freeze like that” side-eye – Lainey Gossip

White Oprah’s delusional brain farts caught wind and made their way into Radar’s offices again – The Superficial

Emma Roberts is going to regret this when she finds herself with sunburned thighs – Hollywood Tuna

But did Jason Stackhouse rip his shirt off and use it to stop the bleeding (but mainly to stop the crowd from screaming “TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!!!”)? – Celebitchy

Almost better than the reign of the Shia InusTowleroad

Denise Richards in a bikini….but I’m still waiting for Irv Richards in a banana hammock (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Something something Hunger Games something something – TDW

RiRi won’t stop until she’s worn every style in Raquel Welch’s wig line – Just Jared

Penelope Cruz’s ankle nearly died, but at least she’s got Javier Bardem to lick and make it better – Popoholic

Can you fap and “awww” at the same time? – The Berry

The ACMs needed more blondes – Popsugar

Halle Berry’s at the beach – ICYDK

RPattz kisses the trunk – SOW

I can watch Mr. Gui Wandresen do this all day – OMG Blog

SANS FARDS gallery – Cityrag

I guessed Chris Crocker I’m Not Obsessed

Somebody’s asking a sober-looking Tara Reid for her autograph. A wink from the end of times? – Hollywood Rag

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Rosie O’Donnell Is On Team Breezy

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

No, I’m not talking about the Team Breezy that came in fourth place in the international queef championships. Not this time, anyway. Rosie O’Donnell came to Chris Brown’s defense on her Sirius radio show today when she said that Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts should’ve taken half of the blame for Urkel Rodman Hulk-ing out and beating a window with a chair. Rosie feels Chris’ pain and seems to think that the media is trying to poke the rage out of him even though he’s paid his debt to society. If Rosie O’Donnell is trying to make miss the days when she called Tommy Girl “a cutie patootie” and gave away Happy Meal toys to her audience members, it’s working. This is what Rosie had to say this morning in Chris’ defense:

On how Charlie Sheen is a hero (no, he’s not) and Chris Brown is Satan’s mutated Q-tip: “I don’t know why this kid seems to be held to a different standard than anybody else.”

On how the questions about Rihanna triggered the Meat Loaf in Chris Brown: “I felt mildly angry at Robin Roberts. I felt like writing her and going: ‘Can you take a look at this again and see if maybe you find — in any way — your responsibility in this?'”

On how she doesn’t blame Chris for murdering a chair and a window: “Part of me wanted to take a chair and throw it through the window at The View after all that happened. But, you know, there are no windows down there in that rat-infested cellar. Remember that cellar we were in?” O’Donnell said to her radio producer. There were no windows. It was like a prison.”

Rosie O defended herself on Twitter after some of her followers questioned her comments:

@MaxiamMomEsq – if u listened to the conversation on the radio program – u would have a better understanding of my point of view – the post?

@HollywoodDebi he was held accountable – he did his service – the judge commended him – he grew up in a violent home – he is only 21 –

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi – i dont think i am – i have compassion for both he and rhianna – its is not a simple discussion – layers n layers

@shyladare @HollywoodDebi – he is a victim too

Here we fucking go. We’re still on the Charlie Sheen vs. Chris Brown thing? Rosie and other bitches like her keep saying that we’re holding up the warlock prince on a throne made of troll bones while kicking Chris Brown into the gutter below. They must be watching a totally different movie than I am. Charlie is out of a job and is getting booed at his own sold-out joke of a show. Chris has the #1 album in the country, millions of fans and is still getting invited into green rooms everywhere even though he pretty much destroyed one. They’re both hardcore assholes, they both have supporters, they both have haters and they’re both doing just fine.

One of the differences is that almost every time somebody asks Chris a question he doesn’t like, he throws a full body tantrum and takes it out on innocent victims (see: the chair at GMA). Chris should just take a page from Britney Spears’ PR playbook and stop doing live interviews if certain questions hurt him in his BOO FUCKING HOO place. You’d think Chris is a fragile porcelain baby bunny because of how he gets so hurt over simple questions. Guess what, Chris? Fragile porcelain baby bunnies don’t break windows when they get butthurt.

So, Rosie needs to update her files, because most of us (I took a poll) think that both Charlie and Chris are awful fucking cunts. Equally. And after Rosie does that, can she please get in my kitchen! Her face has the exact complexion I’d like the top of my lasagna to have.

Open Post: Hosted By Jon Hamm, A Beige Coffee Cup And A Green Bag Of Dog Caca

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Mad Men is still a few months away from going into production so that gives Jon Hamm plenty of time to throw shade at the razor and pick up gifts bestowed upon him by his dog friend every single morning! As a dog owner myself, I pick up shit off the sidewalk at least twice a day (thrice if you count my own) and I don’t look 1/100th as sexy as Jon Hamm does when he’s doing the bend over of a shame. But even though Jon is giving all of us a nalgas show, he’s making one major mistake. Never EVER let your dog see you pick up their shit. EVER! Those assholes will only use it against you! When you drop acid and they start to talk like in the movies, they’ll only remind you that you’re basically their unpaid scat slave. I swear, one time I only brought one bag and my dog went twice just to fuck with me! They know what they’re doo-dooing!

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Snooki Has Found Her True Calling

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

The mutant hybrid of Xtina and the yolk from a Cadbury egg made her second appearance on WWE last night when she threw her red panda coochie in the air and pinned down Michelle McCool. Snooki has taken part in plenty of tag team sessions before, but this is the first time she’s ended up on her stomach instead of her back. That overcooked candied yam is always full of surprises. SNOOKI: a one-woman midget tossing contest!

Source: Guyism via TDW

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But What Does Hugh Laurie Think Of This?

April 4, 2011 / Posted by:

A story about Justin Timberlake going on a date with 2011’s Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, could put a speed addicted insomniac into a coma, so focus on the photo bomber of my dreams Hugh Laurie when your nose starts to make a beeline for your keyboard. Let’s Hugh Laurie’s “Why am I the meat in this soggy sandwich?” face perk you up.

So Olivia Wilde’s divorce to that Italian prince dude isn’t yet final, but that hasn’t stopped her from getting on her Now costar Justin Timberlake (focusonhughlauriefocusonhughlaurie). People says that Jessica Biel’s impeccable strap-on game was the last thing on Justin’s mind at The Roxbury in Hollywood on Saturday night. A source says that Justin and Olivia showed up together in matching white t-shirts and jeans. They both drank vodka and “canoodled” in the VIP area. A different source tells UsWeekly that they were obviously on a date and Justin pretty much kept his hands on Olivia all night.

The rumor is that Olivia ended her marriage, because she was bored of tasting the same ole’ Italian peen all time and wanted to sew her wild oats with the pubes of a dozen one-night stands. Basically, Olivia wants to be a certified slut since she never got the chance. Since then she’s been linked to Ryan Gosling and now Justin Timberlake. Olivia just has to reverse her chocha into Gerard Butler, slam the gas into Jude Law and she’ll be right on schedule! Just follow the Sienna Miller map, Olivia, and you’ll be well on your way.

Meanwhile, you probably haven’t read one word of this shit, because you haven’t taken your eyes off of Hugh Laurie. You made the right decision.

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