Open Post: Hosted By Christopher Kane’s Croc Rocks From Hell

/ September 20, 2016

That picture is singing (to the tune of Jenny from the Block): ♪♪ Don’t be fooled by the rocks on my Crocs, I’m not, I’m not sucking Satan’s cock ♪♪

And we’re all screaming: YES, YOU ARE!

Charms on Crocs have existed for a while now, and I don’t know why. Dress up a giant turd out of Satan’s ass all you want, but it’s still a giant turd out of Satan’s ass. But Scottish fashion designer Christopher Kane decided to bring some HIGH-FASHUN to the Ninth Circle’s footwear of choice. During his show at London Fashion Week yesterday, models stomped down the runway in fancified Crocs that had rocks and gemstones stuck in their orifices. That one above looks like a demon’s bloody organ that’s covered in hardened tumors, warts from Lucifer’s ass and crack rocks from space.

Lucy Thornley, Crocs vice president of women’s and kids product, tells WWD that if you want to look like you smoke crack while shopping for footwear, you can buy Kane’s Crocs at select stores:

While market details have yet to be finalized, Crocs estimates that the clogs will retail for more than $150. In contrast, the average Crocs clog retails for about $35.

The Kane editions will be sold with its custom Jibbitz included and the designer’s insignia stamped on each ankle strap. They will be retailed through “a very select list of stores that Christopher Kane current distributes to,” said Poole, and will not be sold in Crocs’ own stores.

Lucy left something out. Those Kane Crocs will cost you $150 plus your SOUL!

Pics: Getty

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Don’t Call Pippa Middleton A Do-Nothing Party Girl

/ September 20, 2016

Despite the fact that that picture of Pippa Middleton could totally pass for an back-page ad for a low-budget British phone sex line (“Fancy a three-way? Ring me on your mobile now!“), Pippa Middleton is the opposite of a party girl. At least according to Pippa Middleton. Pippa may be known to some people as Duchess Kate’s sister with the ass who does who knows, but Pippa wants to change that.

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And In REAL News, Jennifer Garner And Ben Affleck Looked Mad At A Block Party

/ September 20, 2016

Sure, Brangelina is broken and it will be the only thing the entire world talks about for the next few weeks, if not months. (“Donald Trump? What’s that?“) But Page Six delivered some real, earth-shattering breaking news today when they posted a story about how Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck looked sour in the face at a neighborhood block party. That picture above isn’t of them at a block party. It’s of Jennifer and Ben looking sour in the face at the Brentwood Country Mart in April.

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The Official Trailer For “America’s Sweethearts In Space” Is Here

/ September 20, 2016

Did you just fart in your space suit? So did I! God, we’re so relatable.” I don’t know if that’s an actual line of dialogue in Passengers, but I’m assuming so. How can it not be? It would be illegal to put both Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in a movie about space and not have them yuk-it-up over farts, anti-gravity space poops, and freeze-dried pizza burps.

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Page Six Says That St. Angie Jolie Dumped Brad Pitt After Finding Out He Passed His Peen To Marion Cotillard

/ September 20, 2016

When the trailer for Mr. & Mrs. Smith Go To World War II Times (aka Allied) came out, everybody, including this bitch, joked that it’s really not a Mr. & Mrs. Smith reboot until Brad Pitt leaves St. Angie Jolie for Marion Cotillard and Angie goes on to spend her nights drying her lonely tears on her boyfriend pillow while listening to Adele. Page Six claims that those jokes are fact and that St. Angie dumped Brad after finding out that he broke their vows on Marion’s coochie a la Française.

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Dame Maggie Smith Jokes That She’s Coming To Collect Her Emmy From The Lost And Found

/ September 20, 2016

If you watched the Emmys, then you know that Jimmy Kimmel made a big joke about how Dame Maggie Smith is too good to come to the Emmys. Jimmy joked that this year they were enforcing the “Maggie Smith Rule“, which states that if you’re not present to collect your award, it automatically goes to the next person on the nominee list. Maggie Smith has been nominated for nine Emmy awards, all Outstanding Actress and Outstanding Supporting Actress, and hasn’t shown up once. Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly presented the Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series Emmy on Sunday, and when Maggie won, Jimmy stepped in, grabbed the award and said that her award will be waiting for her in the lost and found.

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