Jacques Jolie-Pitt!

St. Angie Jolie wants singular physical custody of all 934 of her children (or “all 6 of her children” if you like exact details and facts) and isn’t asking for any child support from Brad Pitt, but what about Jacques Jolie-Pitt?! Who’s going to get him? Jacques Jolie-Pitt is the most elusive and private member of the world’s most holiest family. Dude hardly does any pap walks and he’s agreed to do only less than a handful of public appearances like a shoot for Parade (see: him looking relieved in the face as he drops a fart on his human’s shoe) and a guest spot during an interview on 60 Minutes in 2011.

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Alfonso Ribeiro (45)
Christian Serratos (26)
Jason Derulo (27)
Ryan Guzman (29)
Wale (32)
Maggie Grace (33)
Nicole Richie (35)
Autumn Reeser (36)
Liam Gallagher (44)
Luke Wilson (45)
Anne Burrell (47)
Ricki Lake (48)
Faith Hill (49)
Abby Lee Miller (51)
Darva Conger (51)
Cheryl Hines (51)
Momma Dee (53)
Rob Morrow (54)
Nancy Travis (55)
David James Elliot (56)
Dave Coulier (57)
Ethan Coen (59)
Bill Murray (66)
Stephen King (69)
Jerry Bruckheimer (73)
Leonard Cohen (82)

Pic: NBC

From the Department of OhSoEdgy: Cara Delevingne went to the Burberry show in London looking like a doctor just drew on her chest to prepare her for open heart surgery. And now thanks to Cara, every time I go to the mall, I’m sure I’m going to see some hipster goths with a crooked ass Sharpie line going down their chest – Lainey Gossip

In Jimmy Fallon’s defense, he does ask more hard-hitting questions than Matt Lauer – Celebitchy

I see that someone put two extra shots of espresso in Brit Brit Spears’ Frapp – Drunken Stepfather 

Sofia Vergara is giving you Audrina Patridge as Wonder Woman – The Superficial 

Add “theater actress” to the never-ending list of careers on Sonja Morgan’s resume  – Reality Tea 

I was going to say that Kim Kartrashian looks like a day-shift lot lizard here, but that’s offensive since every lot lizard dresses better than this – The Nip Slip 

It looks like Logo’s Prince Charming just discovered a place called the “internet” – Towleroad

Ariel Winter went to a pre-Emmy party looking very prom – Popoholic

And here’s Rosie Huntington-Whateverly in half-assed Express Yourself Madonna cosplay – Hollywood Tuna

Steven Tyler bought Kesha’s old house – OMG Blog

Yup, the Jumanji reboot that nobody asked for is going to be a mess – HuffPo

Samantha Bee dragged Jimmy Fallon for not dragging Donald Trump – Pajiba

The marketing team at Paramount Pictures didn’t let that “Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard fucked while making Allied”  rumor go to waste today – SOW

The time I mistook Lin-Manuel Miranda for Miles Teller – Just Jared

Alexis Arquette’s death certificate says that she died of a heart attack and had HIV for 29 years – Popsugar

And here’s some more sadness: Curtis Hanson has died – Deadline

Pic: Getty

Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.

TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.

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Somewhere in the afterworld, David Bowie has just offered to hold Andy Warhol’s lit cigarette so he can go back to his grave to roll.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jared Leto will produce and star in the indie biopic called Warhol. The script will be based on Warhol: The Biography by Victor Bockris and Terence Winter, who wrote The Wolf of Wall Street and co-created HBO’s Vinyl, will write it. They haven’t found a director yet. Jared owns the rights to that biography and has been looking to throw it up onto movie screens for a while.

Okay, okay, maybe Jared Leto as Andy Warhol isn’t that much of an awful thing. If anything, we’ll get more stories about how he’s the greatest method actor who ever method’ed. Jared will tell reporters that like Warhol, he filled his house with trash (aka Suicide Squad DVDs), had his wigs made by the grandchild of Warhol’s real wigmaker and sent his castmates used condoms (again) and real mummified human feet. And Jared will tell reporters all of that while laid up in a hospital bed where he’ll be recovering from a bullet wound. Because, yes, Jared is so method that he’s going to let the actress playing Valerie Solanas shoot at him for real. Just give him the Oscar now.

Pics: Instagram, Getty

Sorry Katy Perry! Whoops, actually – scratch that. I know Katy Perry was looking for an apology from Taylor Swift, and I’ve got a feeling she’s going to start sprouting grey pubes before she gets one. And forget about collaborating on anything together. If Hollywood Life’s sources are to be believed, Katy’s got a better chance of receiving a nun-approved nomination for sainthood than working with Taylor.

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