The hardest and edgiest rabid raccoon in the dumpster behind a Hot Topic has revealed the secret ingredient to her Emo-approved angstface and why she’s always shuffling around like someone just told her Emily the Strange died. It’s because she eternally miiiiiiseeeeeeraaaaaaaable. And not in a “13-year-old who bases all of their manufactured emotions on Bright Eyes songs and not Cure songs because that would be soooo cliche” kind of way. She’s like authentically miserable! You would be able to tell from the tears of misery that pour out of her eyes but the toxic sludge on her face disintegrates them before they get to cheek.
“Everyone’s like, ‘Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?’ My parents signed me up with Ford (modeling agency) at the age of two. No two-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn’t have friends. I was working constantly and I didn’t have a real life.”
Well, it’s never too late to go back and live a “real life” childhood. So I suggest that Taylor takes a box of baby wipes to her face and crawls into the nearest kindergarten class room to play Barbies with the other kids. The nipple tape and vibrators will be waiting for her when she gets back (not really). And in the meantime, let’s all give the sad panda a hug.
Because whether we like it or not, a sad panda gives all of us the sads.
Even CoCo’s colon exams are a thing of artistic beauty. No, this is an exquisitely graceful picture from a photo shoot for French Vogue (or Cutie Culitos Monthly, I get them confused) that the modern day Athena posted on her Twatter page yesterday. Thanks to this picture, you will be having a honey glazed split chicken and a side of jumbo sardines for dinner tonight!
CoCo’s muscles don’t deserve all the credit for this pose. You can’t tell from this angle, but her all-powerful camel toe is flapping like a trapped butterfly to keep her afloat! CoCo’s labiacopter gets some credit too.
At Madonna’s School for Kept Boys, young hopefuls learn how to survive in her vagina. – GingeMinge
KEEP PUSHING. HE’S STARTING TO CROWN. – suckandfuck
Cristiano’s baby mama exposed. – TimC
Tommy Girl is such an athlete. Not only can he play pitcher and catcher, but he can also cover fist and turd. – jazzfish_77
Clint from The Apprentice, the Southern dude who pretty much always tucks his t-shirts into his jeans, but never tucks the insults under his tongue in the board room. I first knew Clint was my kind when he told Donald Tramp (morning typo that is staying) that his lunatic teammate Dave was a “classless schizophrenic human” who “cannot find his rear end from a bath tub” and then he begged to be rid of this plague. Heart beat #1 for Clint. Then a few board rooms later he told the deranged Mahsa to “shut her mouth“. Heart beat #2 for Clint.
And during last night’s episode, Clint pissed on Kim Kardassian (and not in a way that made her b-hole coo) without knowing it when he told her that the display his team created for her bottle of scented lukewarm urine would lure people into the store like “a bug to a light.” More like a baby maggot to a rotting wart hog carcass, but Clint had the right idea. Heart beat #3 for Clint. Even his compliments make your cheek tingle like you’ve just been slapped.
Ryan Gosling (30)
Anne Hathaway (28)
Tevin Campbell (34)
Radha Mitchell (37)
Ethan Zohn (37)
Mayte Garcia (37)
Tonya Harding (40)
Sammy Sosa (42)
Nadia Comaneci (49)
Megan Mullally (52)
Karen Ziemba (53)
Rhonda Shear (56)
Neil Young (65)
Wallace Shawn (67)
This is real recipe for MICROWAVED BACON on Food Network’s website from the advanced culinary mind of Rachael Ray also goes well with her recipe for hot water (Directions: Put porcelain mug under the red spout on your water cooler. Flip up. Fill mug to top. Flip down.) and pre-cut honey dew (Directions: Open package).
For being so simple, this recipe is a huge damn mess! But you know what’s not a mess? The comments! Comments that were howled by the Three Wolf Moon themselves. I guess nothing brings out hot sarcasm like the scent of burnt bacon stuck to a paper towel. Here’s a few, but you should really spend time with all of them:
Then, when I tried to drop the plate, and it wouldn’t let go of me, I started madly waving my arms around trying to get it off. In the middle of flailing, the plate flew off, and crashed through the large picture window in my kitchen. Between the time the window broke, and when I started flailing, the bacon also flew off and got stuck on the wall. The dog, being a dog, charged the wall-bacon, and began devouring everything that even remotely smelled of bacon, including largish chunks of drywall. Oh, crap, I hope it wasn’t that Chinese drywall that has the chemicals that cause cancer…
By cascalonginess on November 11, 2010
Tried this recipe last night. The bacon was great, but the paper towels tasted awful.
By LocalBoyMakesGoo on November 11, 2010
That’s not what “late night bacon” means in my house.
By Crazy Uncle Dan on November 09, 2010
Does anyone have a good recipe for Banana? I typically take one from the bunch, peel it, discard the peed and eat it. But I feel like I am missing something. Any recipe for Orange would be helpful too.
By runge2002_730663 on November 09, 2010
I don’t stay up very late. Can you post a recipe for early morning bacon? Also I’m new to the whole microwave thing. Do you have a recipe for microwave popcorn? The bag says to stop when the interval between pops is 2-3 seconds, but the pops always happen too fast for me to start counting.
By sammy_hagar_pork_n_b on November 10, 2010
via Food Network Humor (Thanks Kel)