Those Aren’t Pandas!

April 11, 2010 / Posted by:

That devious Pedobear somehow snuck onto a billboard announcing Pope Eggs Benedict’s visit to Malta next week! Hmm. I wonder why? Maybe he just dropped in to see how things are going.

The Times of Malta incorrectly identified Pedobear’s wrong ass as a “panda.” Pedobear shouldn’t get to comfortable up there, because they plan to kick him out any day now. But I’m sure he’ll be back…. That bitch ain’t right.

via TDW

Smells Like Charbroiled Plastic And Burnt Polyester…..

April 11, 2010 / Posted by:

While Heidi Montag was lying under the direct sunlight at Aria’s pool area in Las Vegas yesterday, the plastic on her body slowly melted and seeped through the towel bonding her to the chair. A group of engineers from Mattel had to chisel her off the chair and apply another layer of ABS plastic on her. The painters from Maaco then had to spray her down with a fresh coat of paint in shade “Ass Dildo.” And then she was as good as new again!

Seriously, I’ve seen Real Dolls that look more human this! But you know, Heidi’s silicone globes in size “Elephant Head” don’t offend me as much as those tragic flesh brows over her eyes! Bitch’s eyebrows are probably the same shade as Spencer Pratt’s pubic landing strip. If you want to fill your body with enough man-made materials to keep Tupperware in business for decades, have at it! But eyebrows should be sacred!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Razor, the really hot punk rock bitch from Maniac Mansion!

Maniac Mansion was this game from the late 80s (of course) where you had to rescue some blonde trick from evil Dr. Fred’s house of crazies. You could choose which characters you wanted to play as, and my ass always chose Razor for obvious reasons. I mean, if you’re going to conduct a rescue mission you should always do it in tight black leather. I played that shit so much that I wore the floppy disk out. It stopped playing and my mother refused to buy me a new one at Egghead (remember that shit?).

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Birthday Sluts

April 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Meshach Taylor (63)
Joss Stone (23)
Kelli Garner (26)
Zöe Lucker (36)
Tricia Helfer (36)
Jennifer Esposito (37)
Johnny Messner (40)
Lisa Stansfield (44)
Vincent Gallo (49)
Carl Franklin (61)
Joel Grey (78)

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Dixie Carter Has Passed Away

April 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Not Julia Sugarbaker! Sadly, Dixie Carter went off to heaven today to decorate God’s sun room in Laura Ashley florals and white wicker furniture. Dixie’s husband Hal Holbrook said that she passed away today at the age of 70. Hal wouldn’t say where she died or the cause of death. Hal issued this statement through his publicist:

”This has been a terrible blow to our family. We would appreciate everyone understanding that this is a private family tragedy.”

Dixie is mostly known for playing the refined southern blossom Julia on Designing Women, but she was also in Desperate Housewives, Family Law, and Diff’rent Strokes.

Dixie is survived by her husband and two daughters.

Rest in peace, Dixie.

And somebody grab the smelling salts and put them up to Anthony Bouvier’s nose, because I’m pretty sure he dramatically fainted after hearing this sad news…

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Wino’s Titty Trauma!

April 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Amy Wino’s overstuffed chest balloons have been giving her all sorts of problems ever since she got them shoved in there a little while ago. They probably get in the way when she’s trying to do a no-hands shot off the bar or trying to snort a line of the wrong stuff off a coffee table. All kinds of trouble! Well, The Sun says that Wino’s titty bags have fucked with her life again.

A friend said that Wino went to the hospital on Thursday night after suffering pains coming from her breast implants. The friend went on to say, “She thought she would leave it for a while but the pain got worse. She went into the clinic on Thursday and they kept her under observation. She is waiting for a decision on whether the implants have to come out or not.

My guess is that all the zombie genes in Wino’s body traveled up to her titty area and started to eat at the implant. Wino has had her fun, but now it’s time to say goodbye to them. She’s in the hospital because of them, which means they are keeping her from the sweet nectar!!! Foolery!

I’m all for chichis made out of melted dildos, but you have to pink slip their asses as soon as they start to mess with your booze time. They have become fun-killers!

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