Open Post: Hosted By Lorenzo Lamas’ Indifferent Torso

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Here we have the exiled Emperor of Lucite Lorenzo Lamas at Kat Von D’s tattoo salon with his newborn baby fiancee Shawna “Not Shauna” Craig. Of course, they got matching tattoos after Shawna gave Kat Von D a signed permission slip from her parents. Basically, I feel the same way Lorenzo’s torso feels about this entire situation. I’m just meh-ing all over. And no, I’m not meh-ing because I ate a 5-day-old burrito for lunch. Okay, maybe.

Who does Lorenzo’s torso remind me of? The beady eyes, the trout grimace, the Tang-ey skin….. It’s Lindsay Lohan! QUICK! Tell somebody to produce a Lorenzo Lamas biopic right away, so Lindsay can play his middle-aged torso!

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What In The Anti-Prohibition Granny Hell?

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

If Lindsay Lohan purposely wanted to look like a memawmaw who is suffering from a case of swole face because she got attacked by a rabies-infested bat while riding in a stage coach funeral procession, then she has succeeded!

But I have a feeling LiLo’s only dressed like “Mr. Magoo at a Stevie Nicks costume party,” because when Courtney Love looks like this she gets a few more extra coins in her Styrofoam cup from concerned passersby. And well, LiLo wants to get in on the action. She’s gotta find a way to keep milk on the table until that E-trade money comes pouring in.

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Fishsticks Is No Mood For Your Silly Picture Taking

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Sometimes when a celebrity is out with their chirruns, they protect them from the paps by covering up their little faces. Fishsticks Paltrow isn’t one of those celebrities. While taking little Kumquat and little Rameses (or whatever their names) to school in London this morning, Fishy wasn’t feeling it so she covered up her own face with a book bag. Or maybe she was wearing a lipstick that wasn’t made out of hemp seed oil and organic beeswax. CAUGHT!

Oh, and before I forget let me stamp this with the obligatory “Gwyneth has never looked bettah!” comment.

Jessica Simpson Is The New Lil’ Wayne

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Lil’ Wayne recently had to spend a third of his day in the dentist chair, because his dirty ass rotten mouth needed a bunch of root canals. Well, that’s in Jessica Simpson’s future, because she admitted that she hardly brushes her teeth. So now Papa Joe knows why Jessica looks at him funny whenever he walks around with a tube of toothpaste down his pants. Jessica ain’t interested. Not ever!

In an interview with iheartradio (clip above), Jessica singed the interviewer’s nostril hairs when she opened her dirty mouth and said, “I don’t brush my teeth. No, really! I just use Listerine and sometimes I’ll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. I mean, find me when I’m 60 and they’ll probably be all out.

John Mayer described Jessica Simpson’s pussy as crack, but he didn’t say anything about how he had to pick food particles off his dick every time she went down on him. Note to any dude who is about to get down with Jessica, bring a pack of Glide with you! You’re going to need it to floss steak bits out of your peen hole.

Here’s dirty-mouthed Jessica greeting a dog in NYC yesterday. Dog is like, “Did my tongue go a little too deep when I licked my asshole this morning, or is that just your breath?

Strut Your Shit Down The Hallway

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Cue the Charlie Angel’s theme song! Or the Sex and the City theme song! Or the Jawbreaker Strut song. Yeah, let’s go with the latter. So click play below and let it be your soundtrack while you look at pictures of Joe Jonas defying the laws of skinny jeans while shopping at the Grove in L.A. with his partners in glitter.

You know, I was about to say some shit about the trick on the right, but then I looked down at my current outfit: A Dollywood t-shirt, a navy blue cardigan, white sweats and black socks with neon blue stars on them. Because of this, I’m going to put down the teasing stick and excuse myself from the yard.

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Katherine Heigl Is Over This Shit

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Katherine Hagel was supposed to return to work on Grey’s Anatomy this past Monday after a 3-month maternity leave….buuuuuuut she didn’t. This explains the deafening cheers that were heard throughout the Los Angeles area on Monday morning.

Michael Ausiello over at EW says that Hagel didn’t show up because executive producer Shonda Rhimes has finally agreed to let her out of her contract. Hagel and her minions are currently working on an exit agreement with ABC. Hagel isn’t expected to return to set and her final episode has already come and gone.

Hagel has made it clear that she would rather smile a friendly smile than continue working on Grey’s, so it was nice of Shonda to unlock her handcuffs and release her back into the wild. Personally, I was hoping that Shonda tortured Hagel some more by making Izzie get Quasimodo’s face transplanted onto hers after getting mauled by a fat dog. But Shonda is a better person than I.

And don’t put the booze bottle down yet, because although Hagel’s face won’t be seen on the small screen anymore, it will be seen more on the BIG SCREEN. Yeah, you’re going to need a bigger bottle.

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