Afternoon Crumbs

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

JESUS CHRIST, KATHLEEN, let me put on my cataract sunglasses before you go around flashing your fluorescent white light bikini body – The Superficial

Tori Spelling’s titty situation is still a silicone vortex of confusion – Lainey Gossip

Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez are still doing it and still sharing the same barber – Popsugar

Darren Criss reminds me of what my hair looked like in the 6th grade – Towleroad

Mama Ceiling Eyes is looking hot (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Heidi Montag still exists – Hollywood Tuna

Ryan Murphy is sorry for throwing a Fuck You at Kings of Leon – Celebitchy

Maddox + In-N-Out = DAMN HIM! – Just Jared

The Empress of Lucite? – NYC Barstool Sports

If this shit on Eva Longoria was white, it would look exactly like my baptism baby suit – Popoholic

All the pictures from Reese Witherspoon’s Elle UK spread – The Berry

But Dyan Cannon still looks hotter than LeAnn RimesICYDK

Mind blown. Reassembled. And then blown again. – TDW

Ho caught in the headlights – Hollywood Rag

FMLface courtesy of Helena Bonham CarterCityrag

Oh, Beeeeehl! – I’m Not Obsessed

(Image via Splash)

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Open Post: Hosted By A Happy Ass Brad Pitt

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

The only way a grown man like Brad Pitt could be this happy while having almost the same haircut as the Dutch Boy is if:

a) ho is drunk
b) ho is stoned
c) ho is all of the above

Brad’s lazy wrist says “tired of holding a joint in the back alley of that restaurant all night,” the twinkle in his eyes are saying “420” in Morse code and that smile is the same one I make when I’ve been open-mouth kissed by Johnnie Walker, so I’m going to go with C. Final answer!

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Not Everything Is Bigger In Texas

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Looking like if Zelda from Pet Sematary went blonde, LeAnn Rimes sang out the National Anthem at the NCAA championships in Houston, TX last night. LeAnn hit all the notes even though hos from the stands kept trying to throw hot dogs, nachos, peanuts and whatnot into her mouth hole when she opened it. Because well, LeAnn is skinnier than the wedding band she broke while giving Eddie Cibrian a handjob during the early days of their true love affair.

UsWeekly says that LeAnn’s friends are telling her to slow down with the whole “losing weight” thing before she’s nothing but nostrils, biceps and leg bones. But LeAnn still insists she’s completely healthy and once again jumped on Twitter to defend herself:

dear lord! I do not workout too much nor do I starve myself. I’m so over this and moving on.

To those who have to turn to other’s lives and judge with no real knowledge of how anyone lives, you can you know what!

well, I swear I just ate 4 chick-fil-a chicken strips, a chicken breast, rice, green beans and a lemon bar

don’t talk about me like that! Now everyone knows my weight :)- :)-…ok it’s 60lbs…I won’t lie! Seriously, people need to get a life or a hobby

No, I don’t know what. Does she mean we can shove it up our assholes, because that’s not possible. My asshole is closed for renovations by the city until further notice. But how about, we can sprinkle the entire Outback Steakhouse menu on “it” and put it on a plate made of dried gravy for LeAnn to shove into her mouth? I like that idea better. Candice Swanepoel and I want to watch.

In “Random As Hell” Casting News….

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Two years ago, I accused the Farrelly Brothers of making all their casting decisions while high on peyote and skipping through a Tijuana video store that only rents out Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Jim Carrey movies when they cast those three in The Three Stooges movie. That decision forced the Farrelly Brothers’ loved ones to lure them into a mid-budget hotel room and tearfully tell them they need to seek help for their addiction to WTF casting moves. Since then, Sean Penn has filled his days with nyuck nyuck nyuck-ing into ScarJo’s titties, Jim Carrey has relocated to the acid-trip wonderland that is his website and Benicio is busy being sexy. So none of them are available anymore. But fear not, the Farrelly Brothers have kept the phrase “random fuckery”alive by casting Sean Hayes as Larry and Will Sasso of MADtv as Curly.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the Farrelly Brothers have re-worked the script and now the movie will consist of several half-hour vignettes. Sean hasn’t been in a movie since 2007’s The Bucket List and Will might’ve worked at the movies once….

The Farrelly Brothers are still wading through the peyote haze to find the perfect Moe. Might I suggest Rihanna for Moe? She’s already proven that she can carry an upside hair bowl on her head.

The only time I ever thought I’d see the names Sean Hayes and Will Sasso mentioned in a “Three Stooges” project is if the two were starring in a musical version presented by the Kansas City Civic Light Opera in 1999. Correction: I didn’t think I’d EVER see the names Sean Hayes and Will Sasso mentioned in a Three Stooges project. But since we’re here, I don’t really mind this actually. No, I’m not on peyote.

I’d empty my weed money jar to watch Sean Penn get slapped around, but the world needs a second coming of Just Jack (hopefully Karen and Rosario have a cameo in this mess)!!

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I Beg Your Pardon, Olivia Wilde?

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Olivia Wilde tried to bury the rumor that she’s humping on Justin Timberlake by Tweeting the above mess yesterday afternoon. Olivia referred to those who are sniffing on her business as “honeybadgers.” Excuse you, bitch? Olivia needs read up on the crazy nasty honeybadger, because honeybadger don’t give a fuck that she’s not licking on that curly haired one from the Mickey Mouse Club!

Dear Olivia, guess how many fucks the honeybadger gives about the fact that your name is Olivia? ZERO! Dear Olivia, guess the phrase that would come out of the honeybadger’s mouth if you told him bitches were saying that you’re touching tongues with the screecher from N’Sync? No phrase would come out of the honeybadger’s mouth, because honeybadger don’t give a shit!

Olivia needs to take time out from not fucking on Justin Timberlake to watch this educational video narrated by esteemed zoologist Randall (whose last name is Fellows).

Educate yourself on the badass, not-fuck-giving honeybadger, Olivia!

via People

Kate Hudson’s Unborn Baby Is Probably Drunk Right Now

April 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Over at Popeater, they have a picture of a knocked up Kate Hudson sipping on what looks like red wine from a wine glass in the middle of a restaurant in Buenos Aires with her fiance Matt Bellamy and son Ryder. Of course, this has opened up a bottle of comments calling Kate a selfish drunk for turning her womb into a winery. You know, if you lumped all those comments into a mound and fermented them for a few days, you’d end up with a jar of 100 proof sweet nectar that would seep into the placenta. Then you’d have a delicious piece of booze meat to feast on after labor. Kate should think about this.

Popeater decided to get a medical opinion and asked an OB/GYN who doesn’t treat Kate Hudson whether or not it’s okay to drink a glass of wine while you’re in a serious state of knocked up. The doctor, “Right now, no one really knows what amount of alcohol is harmful for the fetus, so it’s recommended that you don’t drink at all during pregnancy.

Jennifer Aniston can print that out and show it to everyone who asks her why her womb is closed off to fetuses. If I had a living thing kicking at my stomach walls and letting out a burp so big that my ass lips have to open up to let it out, I’d probably reach for a DRANK too. But since doctors do not approve of this, I’d redirect myself towards the bong instead (he didn’t say anything about that!).

By the way, for those of you screaming that Kate is going to give birth to a drunk baby who will eat the world’s supply of booze, this little bit of information might cool your shit. Kate was having dinner with BONO. Yup, the defense rests!

(Image via INFDaily.com)

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