YES!!!!!!!!! Around this time yesterday, Gay Fish belly flopped into the overcrowded cesspool of fuckery that is Twitter! You might have been wondering why an auto-tuned version of the JAWS theme song (aka the anthem for Kanye West’s ego) blasted in your head when you updated your Twitter yesterday. This is the opposite of BITCH BOGUS, which is BOGUS BITCH, which sort of makes sense.
Since Kanye joined Twitter yesterday, he has Tweeted a few pictures of his daily antics (above) and admitted that he loves to talk in the third person. But something very important was missing from Kanye’s Tweet: CAPS!!!1!!!!!! Kanye’s CAPS LOCK KEY went dim for most of his Tweets!
That just doesn’t feel right. It’s not the same when I’m reading a Kanyeism and my eyelashes aren’t burning from the hot breath (smells like bull farts and Taylor Swift’s tears) shooting off his CAPITAL LETTERS! But just when I was about to pour one out for Kanye’s CAPS LOCK KEY, he did this:
So your CAPS LOCK KEY can now breathe a huge sigh of relief, because it now knows that it’s far from becoming extinct!
And isn’t 200,000 THOUSAND TRILLION followers some kind of record? Or does Ashton Kutchie have 200,000 THOUSAND TRILLION AND ONE followers?
Gwyneth forces Chris to integrate yoga and urine drinking into their romantic, candle-lit dinners. – tellykitty
Paris Hilton’s last brain cell struggles to keep up with the constant demand. Looks like she must be doing something really hard this time, like opening a door or chewing. – perky
In his frat house days, Thomas Edison attempted to invent the jizz-powered Peencandescent Light Bulb. – WhiskeyTango
Dude, just break down and pay the fucking cable bill. – Deb
While explaining the birds and the bees to Suri, Tommy Girl gives a demonstration of how Katie got impregnated. – Way
via Picture Is Unrelated (Thanks Jon)
Simon De Pury, auctioneer extraordinaire and the mentor on Bravo’s Work of Art
On every episode of this mess, Simon rides up in his velvet-lined carriage, holds out his precious paw to his white-gloved henchman and steps out to throw a few “hmmms” and “interestings” at the contestants’ work while the news ticker in his head reads “THIS IS UTTER FUCKING SHIT!” But Simon doesn’t ever let those words leap off his tongue, because he is a gentleman in every way! AND HOW!
This bitch is so fancy that the purple silk thong he wears under his suit (you know he does) was probably some king’s handkerchief in its past life. And Simon’s solid gold nipple clamps probably came from the Ming Dynasty. Sometimes the only way I can fully digest an episode of Work of Art is if I focus on Simon. He’s like out of The Red Shoes! The contestants should bow and kiss his hand before and after he critiques their work.
Stephen Dorff (37)
Allison Mack (28)
Rachel Miner (30)
Danger Mouse (33)
Josh Radnor (36)
Wanya Morris (37)
Wil Wheaton (38)
Martina McBride (44)
Alexandra Paul (47)
Tim Gunn (57)
Ken Burns (57)
Leslie Easterbrook (61)
Tony Sirico (68)
SPOILER ALERT! At the end of Titanic, the ship becomes an underwater motel for fishes, a bunch of people die and Rose grows up to be a crazy old bitch who throws a multi-million dollar necklace into the ocean when her granddaughter is living in a damn dump! THE END, right? Wrong. The fart will go on thanks to Titanic II (pinch that shit, it’s real).
In Titanic II, a group of dumb fucks build a Titanic II and launch it on the same day as the original and use the same course……and they probably hit THE SAME ICEBERG! That iceberg has been waiting for a rematch.
The only bitches who would ride on the Titanic II are the same bitches who answer “Jack Kevorkian” to the question “Who would you like to have dinner with the most?”
This mess is going to stink straight to the bottom of a Dollar Tree 4 for 1 bin, where I’ll probably fish it out and buy it. Well, I want to know if Sharktopus gets them before the snakes do.