Charlie Sheen could lick the vomit out of a warthog’s mouth while a trick in a priest’s outfit bones him in the butt with a strap-on made from recycled CROCS and an elephant wearing a human skin poncho pisses on his head from above, and I’d still shrug my shoulders and let out an EH. But now he’s gone way too far and should be shut down. TMZ says that on the night Charlie got boozed and partied with porn star Bree Olson, Nazi slut Bombshell McGee came up to the suite and was his #2 girl. This is fitting since Bombshell looks like a #2. Bitch looks what came out of my dog’s ass the time he ate pieces of his rainbow parrot toy.
Earlier in the night, Bree and Bombshit made out during Pauly Shore’s comedy show at The Palms. When the show was over, Bree invited Bombshit upstairs to join Charlie Sheen’s party. Bombshit and her friend showed up a few hours later and found themselves in the middle of a sea of hos. Bombshit stayed for a couple of hours and nobody knows what exactly went down.
The party is over and it’s time to hang up your coke straw when you start fucking on Bombshell’s swasticooch. No sir, done. What a mess. You know that when Charlie and Bombshell touched tongues, we all had a damn outbreak. The lights at the CDC’s headquarters flickered and gonorrhea warts sprouted out of everyone’s genitals to worship their new king and queen! Hmm. Come to think of it, that would explain that something I got my something this weekend. Update my file at the free clinic!
If you just guessed a Kardashian, immediately wash your brain out with soap and then click to see who this really is. GO!
Johnny Weir, of course! Like this could be anybody else. Who else could pull off a pair of boots made by Etheria’s premiere cordwainer?
The porn industry is really trying to stretch limits of what you will jack to by releasing a porn parody of The Simpsons. Thankfully, they didn’t include Bart, Lisa or the other kids, but Cookie Kwan (#1 on the Westside) makes an appearance. If you’re wondering if Marge’s chocha and Homer’s peen got the yellow paint treatment, (NSFW) click over to Fleshbot to see for yourself. Basically, Marge’s carpet runner matches the drapes and Homer’s dick has been spared.
You might not get off from seeing cartoon characters come to life in more ways than one, but just pretend it’s jaundice porn. Or just pretend it’s the Jersey Shore cast after Ronnie accidentally pisses into the house’s fake tan sprayer instead of the toilet. Sexy, right?
Kelsey Grammer is currently playing the gay owner of a drag club in La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway and Camille suggested to Howard Stern this morning that starring in the show must be giving him a permanent boner. Without saying the actual words, Camille coyly cocked her beautiful “ceramic iguana skull dipped in honey wax” head towards the dressing room where Kelsey keeps all of his glamorous dresses from Janet’s Closet.
TMZ says that shortly after Kelsey signed, sealed and delivered Camille’s pink slip, she told her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills castmates the same thing. Here’s part of the transcript from Camille’s conversation with Howard about how Kelsey’s dick lips quiver when he puts a marabou robe on.
CG – Listen, I don’t think he’s gay. I do think he likes being with women, but there’s something between us that just didn’t click.
HS – But you’re saying you don’t think he’s gay. You said that when he got into La Cage Aux Folles he was in the right play.
CS – Ahahahahahaaaaa. That’s for another reason.
HS – What’s the other reason?
CS – I’m not going to aaaaaanswer.
Robin – He likes to dress up like a woman?
CS – I didn’t say it! I’m not talking about it.
HS – Are you saying in your marriage that Kelsey dressed up like a woman?
CS – I’m not saying it.
HS – No kidding. What’s that like? When a guy comes into bed with… Poor Camille. Honey, why didn’t you call me? Did he ever dress up in your… Did he ever stretch out your panties when he put them on? You’re a tiny girl. You don’t have any body fat.
CS – He has um…he um….he has a little waist. I don’t know what to say.
Camille quickly said that Kelsey’s all man and she better not say anything else or she’ll get slapped with a lawsuit. Kelsey’s rep responded by saying he won’t respond: “While it is not clear why Camille Grammer continues making public statements about her marriage to Kelsey, it is crystal clear that Kelsey will continue not responding, regardless of content.”
If Camille didn’t look like the Nasonex Bee, I probably wouldn’t like her ass. I hate when she sticks the tip in, pulls it out and then coos, “I didn’t do that! I didn’t do that!” She’s always saying shit and then trying to say she never said it. Either do the smart gold digging thing by keeping your lips shut about anything Kelsey-related, or come out and blatantly say that Frasier’s peen honks for fishnets. Not that it matters either way, but damn. Own it or shut the fuck up.
When Nicole Kidman stared at her bathroom mirror and said to herself, “My name is Nicole Kidman and I AM a Botox user,” even her surfboard forehead twitched at the STUNNING admission! It had no clue! After years of denying that she’s dabbled the filler needle on her forehead, Nicole gives us a confession worthy of a “Yup, I’ve Used Botox” cover of People Magazine. Nicole tells some unnamed Germany magazine (via Daily Mail) that she’s messed with Botox before, but she’s happy to announce that her face is now preservative free and would fit right into any organic section at any grocery store. Go ahead and raise your brow even though Nicole physically can’t.
The interviewer from the unnamed German magazine (aka ProbablyMadeUp Weekly: German Edition) asked Nicole how she keeps her face as smooth as a mannequin’s crotch. Nicole responded with: “I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore – and I can move my forehead again. I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything.”
And seconds after Nicole said that last part, the skin worms on her mouth sprung a leak and Juvederm sprayed everywhere. Nicole’s assistant had to run up and plug the leak with epoxy putty. But yeah, completely natural!
Not the baby, you sillies! I’m talking about the lush and meticulously manicured Afghan Hound wig on top of John Travolta’s head. That wig with the “90s boy band part” spent 9 months in the careful hands of Travolta’s resident weave mistress and I’m so happy that he got to debut it on the cover of People Magazine! And an extra shot of happiness is bringing the dead roots in my soul back to life, because that wig paired with that white mess of a suit makes Travolta look like a Mexican televangelist who uses Liberace’s Greatest Hits as the background music for all of his sermons.
Oh, and John was also gracious enough to share his new wig’s cover with his 7-week-old son Benjamin, the new reigning Prince of Scientology. Doesn’t Baby Ben look EXACTLY like his parents? And by his parents I mean Xenu and Mary Sue Hubbard.
56-year-old John and 48-year-old Kelly Preston tell People that they’ve been trying to conceive a baby friend for three long years. The road to baby would’ve been easier if they actually did sex to each other, but genius Kelly found a way around that! Kelly paid the spa workers to turn off the sauna as soon as John sashayed out of there. Then she snuck in and scooted her cooch on the benches. BAM! It’s a miracle!
John went on to tell People that he held Kelly’s hand during labor while their 10-year-old daughter Ella Bleu sat outside with Kirstie Alley, who freaked out the hospital staff when she showed up with a fork, a bottle of Tabasco and her placenta eatin’ bib on.
Baby Ben is truly a new kind of lucky, because John says that he regularly lulls his son to sleep by singing show tunes including “A Bushel and a Peck” from Guys and Dolls. Baby Ben needs to know that most people paid a penny or two to see his father shimmy his chichis and grind on a boa (see: Hairspray), so he’s very lucky that he gets that show for free!
And here’s another shot of John’s wig and Baby Ben on the cover of Hello! Magazine:
Ben is like, “Heeeeeey, I’m over here! It’s not just about the wig, you know!”