Afternoon Crumbs

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

John Mayer’s continues to make his signature “seizure while orgasming” face in Amsterdam. This is also what it looks like when Hugh Hefner jizzes moth balls. – Lainey Gossip

Um. How about Brooke Hogan instead? – Just Jared

Ashley Green is shoving her nipple in your eye again – Egotastic!

Speaking of Ashley Green shoving a nipple in an eye, it looks like her dog is a victim of that – Hollywood Tuna

Posh’s spokeswhores are working overtime – Holy Moly!

Turtles are kinky (Note: This is not a Russell Simmons post) – Towleroad

Kim Zolciak could learn a thing or twenty from this hot bitch (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Ben Affleck’s Jon Hamm impersonation – Popsugar

This Is News: Katy Perry is on her period – I’m Not Obsessed

Kiefer Sutherland dressed up like a 90s teenage girl for Letterman – Celebitchy

Even Brit Brit thinks she’s special needs – Cityrag

Katharine McPhee and her butterhair on ShapePopoholic

Courtney Love is going to sue over her daughter’s custody. Good luck with that. – ICYDK

RPattz is not Spider-ManSocialite Life

The Asian RiRi does it better – Hollywood Rag

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NOOOOOOOOT RUE!

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

I know Afternoon Crumbs usually goes here, but I’m interrupting the order of things to bring you the sad news that Rue McClanhan, my personal favorite TV tramp, is laid up in a nursing facility after she suffered a stroke. Rue’s rep said that she underwent triple bypass surgery back in November and had a minor stroke while she was recovering in the hospital.

Rue’s husband told Broadway World that she was in ICU for two weeks, but has been moved to a different facility where she’s receiving rehabilitation, “She can understand what you are saying in conversation, but still has some trouble speaking. Her speech is slower than it once was and she hasn’t completely recovered on the right side of her body. She’s going to require a lot more physical and speech therapy – but at least it’s not like I stay awake at nights any more thinking that Rue is going to die.”

Rue’s rep said that if all goes well, she will be back at home in two weeks.

Everyone get into your nightgowns and meet me at the kitchen table. You bring the cheesecake, and I’ll bring the hooch.

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This Is Our Future, Part 6

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

If I had kids, I would pull them out of school and teach them the lessons of Jersey Shore. I’d let Professor Situation and Professor Snooki school them on important things like what’s appropriate to wear in a hot tub full of strange men and how to spot “the grenade” in a sea of skanks. You know, shit they’ll need to know when they star in their own Vh1 series. Yes, I have high hopes for my spawn.

But you might be the kind of parent who throws your kid into a kitchen cupboard every time Jersey Shore comes on, because you don’t want to damage their brain cells just yet. Well, now you can pull them out of the cupboard and play this for them. It’s Jersey Shore Jr.!

Fist pumpin’ like toddlers! Actually, don’t say that out loud or Lindsay Lohan might do a documentary on you.

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Who Is Hot Slut Of 2009: Wild Card Round

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Snookers, the Ooma Loompa of Poughkeepsie, is the round 2 winner of the Hot Slut of the Year competition and will now face off with STAINS in the finals. Maru tried to top that bitch, but Snooki shoved him back in his cardboard box and flipped away with 31% of the votes.

Now we’re moving on the wild card round. Below are 6 Hot Sluts of the Week who never made it to Hot Slut of the Month for whatever reason. They either admitted they spit instead of swallow or they were caught cheering for Mop Head on Dancing with the Has-Beens. I forgive them for their sins, and now they are getting a second chance.

Here’s the 6 most popular HSOTWs based on pageviews and comments. Yes, we’re getting technical. And we’re off:

DJ Lady Tribe: The precious pearl of Rock of Love Bus who performed a Herpes rap for Bret and also drank a shot out of another skank’s chocha.
Scotland’s #1 Male Barbie: The glittery Oompa Loompa of Scotland (one of Snook’s relatives?)
Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt: Needs no introduction.
Sandra Lee: Drunk.
Derek J: A glazed Cornish gay hen who can work a pair of high heels better than any woman!
Deidra Daley Everett: The Gisele Bundchen of Internet BBWs!

Voting is to the right…blah…blah…blah. The winning slut will battle it out against Snooki and STAINS tomorrow.

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Open Post: Hosted By General Larry Platt

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

If you watched American Idol last night, then there’s a good chance that you hummed “Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground” this morning while you firmly cinched your belt. Because when the General gives you an order, you take it!

Proving that pepaws always do it better, 62-year-old General Larry Platt earned a golden ticket to our hearts last night by giving us the gift of his song “Pants on the Ground.” I immediately signed up for the General’s army as soon as he brought James Brown into it by busting into the splits.

Unfortunately, because of Idol’s stupid age limit rule, the General didn’t make it to Hollywood. They should send his ass anyway to keep all those young hos in check.

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Juicy Delicious Busted!

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Joe “Juicy Delicious” Giudice, the husband of Teresa from The Real Mobwives of New Jersey, was arrested early this morning in NJ. And surprisingly, Juicy Delicious was not arrested for burying a bag of human remains in the middle of a corn field. No, Juicy Delicious got busted for driving under the influence.

TMZ says that Juicy Delicious crashed into a pole at 1:47 this morning in Montville. He was shuttled off to the nearest hospital, where a blood sample was taken. The nurses must have rejected Juicy Delicious’ offer to buy them a new Buick if they lose the results, because they turned that shit over to the police. He was charged with driving while intoxicated, reckless driving, careless driving, and failure to maintain a traffic lane.

And stroke your hairlines, because it gets better! Juicy had a few outstanding warrants in Clifton for city ordinance violations, so the cops from Montville handed him over. Juicy posted $2,625 bond this morning and was released.

GORILLA HEAD IS GOING TO ROOOOOAR TODAY. She can’t buy new outfits for her gremlins this week, because she had to use the cash to get her husband out of the clink.

I bet when Gorilla Head got home after bailing her husband out, there was not one table in that place. They hobbled out of there together, because they are not about to get flipped.

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