A Little Thing Called “Getting Stabbed” Can’t Keep Sean Bean From Boozing

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

Don’t let this darling portrait of Sean Bean from Games of Thrones and Lord of the Rings gently cradling an angelic infant completely fool you. Yes, Sean is as gentle as a blanket of liquid silk floating on a pool of fresh spring water, but fuck with his drank time and he’ll quickly flip the switch to: badass. Case in point: The Daily Mail reports that Sean got stabbed in a street fight on Sunday night and turned down a visit to the hospital in favor of ordering another drink at the bar! This is the kind of man who will accidentally rip your no-no while hitting it hard from the back (it happens), stop, disinfect it with vodka, blow an air kiss at it, take a swig and keep pounding without pulling out. Priorities: Sean Bean knows his!

The Daily Mail says that it all started when Sean and his lady friend April Summers of the Playboy Playmates were smoking outside of a bar in Camden, London when the town idiot walked by and decided to tussle with the wrong one. The town idiot made a few nasty comments about April Summers and kept walking. Sean Bean is a gentlemen who will always defend his wench so he followed the moron down the street to challenge him. Nothing became of that so Sean went back inside. But when he came out a little while later for another cig, the town idiot stabbed him with a broken bottle and punched him in the face before running off.

At this point, most people would envision their mommies in the sidewalk and hug it while choking on their on tears, but not Sean! Sean went back inside, cleaned his wound up with crap from the bar’s first aid kit and ordered a drink! Sean never went to the hospital

And I’m sure right after he swallowed that whiskey and stitched his cut using his own pubes, he went out into the night, searched the air with his nostrils for his attacker’s scent and screamed “WINTERFELL!” before disappearing into the darkness in the name of revenge!

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Beyonce Is Short One Wig Today

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

And just like that, Basement Baby knows the real reason why the Belle of ‘Bama Antoine Dodson journeyed down into the dusty den of the destitute to visit her. It wasn’t to play a game of checkers using moth balls and bottle caps. It was to sneak into Beyonce’s wig cellar and snatch one of her good ones to wear to the 15th Annual Webby Awards in NYC last night.

While Beyonce’s bald head shivered in the cold, ‘Toine turned up the heat to feverish levels and made everyone on the red carpet answer “OH MY Gawrsh YES!” to the question, “Would you ever runneth your tongue over the hung gums of Goofy’s girlfriend?

Lately, I’ve been whoresick for Hottie from Flavor of Love, but with those wide eyes, teef for days and fire hazard wig, ‘Toine is definitely filling that void!

Afternoon Crumbs

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

W Magazine made Beyonce look like the Lady Chablis and that’s always a good thing! – Cityrag

The last dude in Hollywood I’d ever pick for a fashion campaign is starring in a fashion campaign – Lainey Gossip

Teen Mom Amber tried to kill herself. But if she really wanted to off herself she’d just let Gary get on top – The Superficial

New York State must legalize gay marriage! We have failed as a people until we see Rojo Caliente in a bridal tuxedo – Towleroad

CoCo’s goal in life is to slowly give us all the colors of camel toe rainbow and today’s color is turquoise – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Blake Lively’s skirt is so short that you can practically see what you’ve already seen in her naked cell phone pictorial – Hollywood Tuna

Chris Evans interview with GQ is pretty hilarious – Celebitchy

This pussy can play an invisible harp and what can yours do? – The Berry

A mound of silicone molded into a cat’s face is on the cover of AllureJust Jared

No. – Popsugar

You know how Payless has that service where they will dye a pair of satin pumps to perfectly match your dress? Well, Emma Roberts did the same thing when she asked her dressmaker to match that shit to her skin color – Popoholic

Anna Piaggi is looking awful! – ICYDK

The next G.I. Joe movie should take its plot from this clip – OMG Blog

What happens when you use My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding as the main inspiration for your prom dress – Crunk + Disorderly

The “other” Coco gives good speech – Hollywood Rag

I so want to serve ginger tea and cranberry scones on Carey MulliganI’m Not Obsessed

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Open Post: Hosted By The Greatest (And Gayest) Disguise

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

If you’re going to draw attention to yourself by trying not to draw attention to yourself, wearing a severed Care Bear head is the way to do it. Yes, the Kingdom of Caring will probably declare a Care Bear stare war upon you since this is some St. John the Baptist shit, but you will definitely get some dick from a Plushie. The peen outweighs the cons.

And it’s Stephen Fry under there, of course!

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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Former Side Piece Has Love And Respect For Maria Shriver

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold’s son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph’s biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

“It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, “Get off your knees, trollop! I ain’t my husband.

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he’s part Schwarzenegger and said it was “cool” when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it’s just bitch’s checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the “love and respect” part, I’m beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

That Sound You Hear Is Holly Madison Laughing At This Mess

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner’s taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn’t bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.

TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?

Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she’ll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that’s where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly…

She’s probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly’s hoping that Hef won’t notice, which he won’t. Now that’s how a real gold digger does it!

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