Oh, She’s Just Being Britney…..I Mean….Just Being Miley

June 4, 2010 / Posted by:

When I first read the headline “Miley Cyrus Does Girl-On-Girl Dancer Kiss On Britain’s Got Talent,” I pictured PedoBear putting up a DO NOT DISTURB sign on his cave door so that he could stick his bits into a jar of honey while watching this in peace. Three minutes later, Billy Ray Cyrus strolls up, gives the secret knock and PedoBear lets him in.

But that image was Magic Erased from my head after I watched the actual video of Miley pretending to mouth fuck one of her dancers. What the hell kind of goddamn fake lesbo kiss is that?! Mickey Mouse is so disappointed. One of his hos let him down.

It’s at the 1:05 mark. Warning: Turn the sound off or suffocate your speakers with a fat pillow before pressing play:

That looked more like a cross-eyed lame crow with mange picking the maggots off a dead rotting pigeon near the interstate. Besides, fauxmosexual onstage kisses don’t get stamped with the HOW SHOCKING label anymore. If Miley truly wanted to surprise hos, she should try emoting a sound that doesn’t make people wish they didn’t have ears. And a paraplegic pony could stomp around better than that.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 4, 2010 / Posted by:

Stuart Ashby, the pub crawler of pub crawler and British hero!

After 5 years, 700 pubs and just as many pints of ale, 60-year-old Stuart Ashby has completed his lifelong dream of lapping up the sweet nectar in every single joint in the 1990 version of the Good Beer Guide. Dude filled his bucket list with ale and DRANK it up.

Stu, who is a retired railway worker, traveled as long as 4 hours to get to a pub in the book. Stu drank around 3 pints a week, but says his tongue has yet to be blessed with the perfect ale and he’s still searching for it. The pub’s answer to Indiana Jones!

Stu really needs to be knighted by the Queen, because not only has completed a very important mission, but he did it without driving. When public transportation wasn’t available, Stu would hike up his pant leg, show a little ankle and hitch hike to one of heaven’s outposts (aka a pub).

And Stu isn’t stopping anytime soon. He said, “I love it too much. ‘In fact, at the end of the month I’m off to North Wales for eight days and I plan to visit 100 pubs.” Watch out North Wales, because the pepaw party is coming to you!

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Birthday Sluts

June 4, 2010 / Posted by:

Dr. Ruth (82)
Evan Lysacek (25)
Bar Refaeli (25)
Russell Brand (35)
Angelina Jolie (35)
Michele Hicks (37)
Nikka Costa (38)
Noah Wyle (39)
Izabella Scorupco (40)
Horatio Sanz (41)
Scott Wolf (42)
Al B. Sure! (42)
Sam Harris (49)
El DeBarge (49)
Keith David (54)
Parker Stevenson (58)
Michelle Phillips (66)
Bruce Dern (74)

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More Like “Exquisite Angel Rehab”

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Unless you’re my neighbor who is staring at me through his window with binoclausrs, you can’t tell that I’m dancing in front of my laptop in lucite heels, because God has sent down a virgin dove from heaven to deliver a very important message to the world: THE EMPRESS OF LUCITE IS GOING TO BE ON CELEBRITY REHAB!!!!!!! The clouds in my world had gone dark after Rue McClanahan’s death, but a light wrapped in lucite is now shining through.

TMZ says that Shauna has clicked her exquisite lucite heels and is floating to Dr. Drew’s rehab facility in Pasadena right now. They didn’t say if her addiction is to lucite or elegant ensembles from the Frederick’s of Hollywood outlet, but I have a feeling Shauna is just doing this out of the goodness of her saintly heart. Shauna heard that the show is in danger of being sent to the guillotine because they didn’t have any big celebrities, so she decided to lend her A-list (DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH!) name so that the show can go on. The Empress of Lucite’s heart is as giving as her vagina. The Mother Theresa of porn stars.

Shauna will join a cast that already includes Tila Tequila, Gummi Bear and Jason Wahler. See what I mean? It’s like fine caviar fresh out of a beluga’s vagina surrounded by rotten pieces of government cheese that have been nibbled on by rabies infested rats.

But Vh1 should really consider changing the name, because Shauna Sand is more than a celebrity. She’s nothing short of an angelic goddess with hair that resembles the waterfalls in heaven. So yeah, a name change is needed.

Something In The Milk Ain’t Clean: The Shannon Price Edition

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

A day after Gary Coleman’s death, his ex-wife Shannon Price gave an interview to clear her name, but she ended up dirtying up the milk even more. Shannon needed to slap herself in the face a few times and dunk her head in a bowl of ice water, because bitch wasn’t making any sense.

One minute she says that she made the decision to pull the plug because the doctors told her Gary would’ve bled to death during surgery. Two beats later, Shannon said that Gary would’ve ended up like Muhammad Ali. And then she says he would’ve been like Terry Shiavo. There is a big difference between the three and Shannon doesn’t seem to know this.

Shannon is also hurt that people are saying she caused his brain to hemorrhage by pushing him. TMZ points out that nobody ever publicly accused Shannon of pushing Gary. This is like if the cop asked you what happened here and you shouted all defensively, “I didn’t push him! I didn’t hit him with the frying pan! I didn’t slap him with my teefs! I didn’t do any of that!

Anyways, here’s a few quotes from Shannon’s interview. You can watch it here.

Shannon on the accusations that she had something to do with Gary’s death: “I’ve had a lot of people saying, ‘Yeah, she pushed him.’ This and that. People are so cruel they don’t even know. I was upstairs. He was downstairs. How am I going to push him? That affected me more than anything. The scrutiny that people come up with. Why would I want to hurt my husband? Are you kidding?”

Shannon on her decision to take Gary off life support: “You know, the doctors told us that even if they would’ve done surgery on him he would’ve died. He would’ve bled to death during the surgery. And they said that even if they did take a chunk out of his brain he would not be the same. He would be basically like Muhammad Ali. He wouldn’t be, you know, and I mean he would’ve died sooner or later anyway from that. Because the brain, you know, it’s so traumatic. I don’t want people to be so hard on me thinking that I had to pull the plug too early. He wouldn’t have made it anyway. His heart would’ve just given out. And I don’t want people to sit there and think that I’m a bitch and that I didn’t care about him. But you know, be in my situation. I mean, look at what happened with Terry Schiavo. I always think of her case. Always when it comes to this. Gary was gone. His eyes were dilated, he was just gone.”

Shannon on Gary buying her a wagon to pull around the farm: “And you know, he’s done a lot for me. He bought me a car which he chose to do which I never asked him for. I thought that was very sweet of him to do that.”

Shannon seems more interested in defending herself than mourning her ex-husband. Bitch acts like she doesn’t give a fuck. I don’t know if she’s hiding something or if the crazies have taken over her common sense. All I know is that Detective La Toya is outside of her house disguised as a potted plant. If there’s something to get, Det. LT will get it!

Zack Morris Is Single

June 3, 2010 / Posted by:

After 14 years of being chained to each other’s genitals, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and his wife Lisa Ann Russell have decided to take a hammer to that shit. But at least they’ll always have these precious Sears Portrait Studio gems.

Lisa and Mark started dating shortly after they met on the set of Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Lisa played a “sorority girl.” They have a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter together. Mark’s spokeswhore issued this shit about their split: “They both remain focused on their family and are jointly committed to their children.”

I know you’re thinking that Kelly Kapowski should put on her tightest spandex unitard and crimp her hair extra special to get Zack Morris back, but fuck that. Kelly and Zack never belonged together. It’s obvious that Zack’s Sun-Inned tips only sparkled for AC Slater. Zack + AC = 4Evah. This video knows what I’m talking about:

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