Jakey On GQ

April 13, 2010 / Posted by:

It really doesn’t bother me that Jakey Gyllenhaal looks like a delicately oven roasted chicken lollipop in granpappy’s Easter suit on the cover of GQ. But it does bother me that they oh-so-carefully placed his tie OVER his special bubble boy area. Cock blocking is offensive in any form.

Anybigheadonlittlebody, Jakey talks to GQ (via HuffPo) about everything from Heath Ledger’s death to life without a beard to play Mall Madness with in the middle of the night.

Jakey on Heath’s death: “I don’t really like talking about it. That period of time was…it was difficult. He was very sensitive. He didn’t always have a sense of performance in his everyday life. He knew who he was. I think actors very often, they know how to present something, and that’s part of their job. I think he was just really sensitive. We often used to do a lot of things together, because people were very interested in him and I think we felt safe together. Even when we did Brokeback and stuff, it was like my work was the only thing that mattered to me. It was like I could only understand or define myself through doing that. Life, I didn’t totally understand. And I think I was afraid of life. And I had success in my work, enough success that you could keep going back there. But after that happened…I think I recognized that it was work. And I recognized that this is for real.

Jakey on being single: “It’s…it’s okay…. It goes in either direction. I think it’s important for every man to find the right woman and every woman to find the right man…. Who am I to say what the most important thing in life is? The best answer I could give to any of those things is that I really don’t know. Particularly right now in my life.”

Every man has to find the right woman and vice versa?! Fuck me in the throat with a Reese Witherspoon romcom. If by the “right woman,” Jakey personally means the perfect lady friend who will tell you to brush your teeth because your breath smells like old jizz or who will throw a cocktail in the face of the fuck buddy who did you wrong, then I’m right there with him. Every straight man needs a straight woman just as much as every fruit needs a fly.

Open Post: Hosted By A Stun To The Ass

April 13, 2010 / Posted by:

Like a lost episode of Reno 911… A sheriff’s deputy in Fort Myers, Florida was given a final warning after he electrocuted a lady cop’s ass with a stun gun. Corporal Wilmer Arencibia, the butt shocker in question, said it was only meant as a joke. Yes, I’m sure everybody laughed a million laughs while the lady cops’ asshole busted into a stroke and started spewing out foam. I know I laugh every time that happens to me.

I’d like to see Corporal Wilmer pull that shit on my ass. My butt would grab the gun out of his hand, flip it around and then stun him back!

via WZZM13 (Thanks Rod)

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DWTS: Kate Gosselin Dances The Constipated Tango

April 13, 2010 / Posted by:

And now it’s time for our weekly cunt fest about Kate Gosselin’s awkward non-dancing on Dancing for Relevancy! Last night, Kate’s tortured partner Tony, who obviously was a kitten killing Nazi in a past life, had to teach her the tango. Kate just couldn’t focus on the steps because she was too busy internally dealing with being Kate Gosselin: THE MOST IMPORTANT AND POPULAR WOMAN ALIVE!!!

For serious, Kate actually bitched that she HAS to check her computer every morning to see what the tabloids are writing about her that day. Kate, I’ll tell you what my mother told me the last time I complained about barfing up all my internal organs after a night of binge boozing. My mother said to me, “Then stop drinking so much, you idiot!” So if Kate doesn’t want to be barfed on, she needs to put the bottle down (aka stop inviting tabloid reporters over for tea and sympathy in the form of a “woe is me” cover story).

Anyway, Kate wasn’t as terrible as last week, but that’s really not saying much. Kate still dances like she’s simultaneously holding in a fart, a queef and a sneeze. While watching Tony drag Kate around the dancefloor, I couldn’t help but think of the dudes down in the subway who salsa dance with dummies for coins. Except this dummy has more rhythm and doesn’t make you want to tear your ear holes off:

And speaking of wig-wearing dummies, guess who was in the audience last night:

How in the hell did Kim Zolciak get front row, but the hot memaw behind her got second row? The world continues to boggle my mind.

Bitch, Who Ate Your Neck?

April 13, 2010 / Posted by:

At a party for Good Housekeeping in NYC last night, Chestica Simpson left the Ken Paves wig at the hotel along with her damn neck! Did bitch’s neck skedaddle (yes, I’m 80), because it was afraid her giant uni-chichi would attack it? Without a neck, Jessica looks like the Tasmanian Devil dressed in drag as a Real Housewife. Ken Paves needs to be a better main gay, because he should’ve told Chestica to pose as though someone was dangling a bacon-wrapped hot dog above her. Or something! Lift the head, part the titties, and everything will be okay!

And in other Jess news, she still swears on Ken Paves’ glistening ass lips that she really went SANS FARDS on the cover of Marie Claire. Jess told UsWeekly last night, “Look at the cover — you can tell! My nose has been broken a couple of times. If you look at a retouched cover of me and you look at the Marie Claire cover, you can see there’s a big difference. I take the pictures. I don’t know what the magazine is going to do with it after that. I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after that, so it was important for me to make sure that they absolutely did not retouch. I just wanted people to see how I really am.”

I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after….” = “Touched by an army of Photoshopping angels

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