Open Post: Hosted By A TWILF

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

People has a feature on their site right now called “Twi-Hard Die-Hards! Inside Super-Fans’ Rooms” and this is seriously the headliner of that shit. All those amateur Twitards can give it up, because 56-year-old Linda Moore has this! Linda says that she originally wanted to Twitard-ize her bedroom, but her husband refused to lay his head on Edward Cullen’s face. So she blew her obsession all over the guest room where can churn the panty pudding in peace.

Linda told People, “One of my best friends says she wants to spend her birthday in there! Everyone who has seen my Twilight room either loves it or thinks I’m crazy.”

Look at succulent Linda giving us sex eyes like we’re a giant frozen Twidildo. And look at the Edward Cullen pillow looking at us with “help me” eyes. Sorry, Edward Cullen pillow, you belong to Linda now. AND HOW! Imagine the places that pillow has been. I bet Linda’s husband has to throw a Febreze bomb into her Twiroom every couple of days so the coochie cream scent doesn’t creep under the door and make its way to the rest of the house.

And I can’t call Linda crazy, because I’m thinking of turning my bathroom into a giant Mah Boo shrine.

via TDW

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Helen Thomas Is Off To Shady Pines

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

The mention of politics gives me an annoying tick called “thinking“, so I like to stay away from that shit but this is some important news about one of our former Hot Sluts Helen Thomas! Helen has announced that she is getting up out of the first row and retiring right now. This comes after the 89-year-old White House correspondent received a shit load of head shakes for saying that the Jews “should get the hell out of Palestine.” Watch her entire statement here.

Here’s the memo from Hearst:

Helen Thomas announced Monday that she is retiring, effective immediately.

Her decision came after her controversial comments about Israel and the Palestinians were captured on videotape and widely disseminated on the Internet.

Thomas later issued a statement: “I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians. They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon.’’

Thomas will mark her 90th birthday on Aug. 4.

And here I was hoping that Helen would be forced into retirement after slapping a bitch or attacking a ho with her dentures. Oh well. Maybe next time.

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The Mac Dude Is Crazy For Cunnilingus

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

In high school, one of my best friends was the yard slut (because she would literally fuck you in the yard) who once told me that if a dude doesn’t suck on her clit like a bird swallowing a worm or lick her snatch like an ice cream cone melting in the sun, she wouldn’t ever let him near her cooch again.

So I’m sure she wishes she was sitting on Justin Long’s face instead of an office chair, because he claims that he loves to eat vagina until he hears Chineses voices (copyright: my pervy uncle). And you thought Drew Barrymore was only with his ass to get Apple shit before anybody else.

At the reading for a Neil LaBute play, Justing Long told Vulture that unlike the character he read for he thoroughly enjoys lapping the labia. Justin said, “There were parts about certain … well, acts that men supposedly don’t like performing on women that I have very strong feelings against. I would very much argue the opposite.”

And in completely opposite Justin Long news, here is his pro-gay marriage PSA with Mike White. This is for the gay haters who want to erase the world of gay sluts. This PSA’s answer is to let us gays get married so we can not have sex just like the straights!

P.S. – Does anybody know where I can get that peen board?

Farewell, Adriana Xenides

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

It’s a sad day in Australia. The kangaroos aren’t jumping, the koalas are hugging their trees extra tight and Nicole Kidman’s forehead broke into pieces after she tried to frown in sadness. That’s because one of their icons of glamour has floated off to the great big wheel in the sky. Adriana Xenides, the former light toucher of Wheel of Fortune, has died at the age of 54 from a ruptured intestine.

Adriana had been in and out of hospitals during the past few years. In an interview earlier this year, Adriana said she had five heart attacks in two years and suffered a gastrointestinal digestive disorder. Adriana also admitted to undergoing shock therapy to deal with her depression.

Adriana starred in Australia’s Wheel of Fortune for 18 years. At one point, Adriana held the record at the longest running game show host in TV history. Vanna White broke Adriana’s record in 2001.

Rest in peace, Adriana. The letter lights on Wheel of Fortune will shine brighter for you today.

And when you’re walking down your office hallway today, put an extra swish in your step and touch an imaginary block light in honor of Adriana. No joke. I try to do that every time I walk down a hallway.

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What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan has already sold off pictures of the booze blocker on her ankle, so I’m guessing that’s the last we’re going to see of it. LiLo is doing whatever it takes to keep our eyes from staring at her SCRAM including covering her legs by wearing one of Disco Granny’s old rhinestone jumpsuits. This is probably the same shit White Oprah wore back in the day when she trolled reservation casinos looking for a sugar daddy to pay her motel room for a week if she sucked on his taint.

And speaking of old man taint, that’s probably the smell that is going to jump off of LiLo’s ankle when that SCRAM finally comes off. The Food Network better be on hand for that event, because you know new kinds of cheese will be uncovered.

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Shannon Price Is The New Joe Jackson

June 7, 2010 / Posted by:

It looks like Joe Jackson has got himself a new protegee, because Radar is saying that Gary Coleman’s wife Shannon Price is already trying to make a quick dollar over her ex-husband’s death. Some hos mourn by bawling into their pillow in a darkened room for 4 days straight, and some mourn by shaking their ass on the ho stroll and licking their lips at any john who drives by. Shannon’s wrong ass falls in the latter category.

A source tells Radar that Shannon already stuffed a few bills into her feeding sack for the interview she gave the day after Gary died. But Shannon isn’t stopping there and she’s currently shopping around a second interview for $50,000. And the source says that for the right price Shannon is willing to give a video tour of the place where she busted Gary’s head. I mean, where Gary accidentally busted his head.

With everybody throwing Shannon “Bitch You Didn’t? Did You?” eyes, she should be laying low in her stable. That bitch should not be tap dancing on Gary’s memory with a Styrofoam change cup in her hand.

And if you thought Shannon being thisclose to selling Gary’s used chonies on the side of the road was bad, TMZ is saying that someone is trying to sell pictures of Arnold Drummond after he was taken off of life support. TMZ claims to have seen some of the pictures, which show Gary with his eyes closed and hooked up to a ventilation machine. The minion of Satan selling the pics wants low five figures. Even TMZ passed on buying the pictures, so you know that shit is serious.

Now, I’m not saying that Shannon has anything to do with this (yes, I am), but let’s just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if the pictures were covered with bits of sugar cubes and carrots. And now that I think about it, even Joe Jackson probably thinks this crazy bitch is too much.

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