Jessica Simpson Is The New Lil’ Wayne

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Lil’ Wayne recently had to spend a third of his day in the dentist chair, because his dirty ass rotten mouth needed a bunch of root canals. Well, that’s in Jessica Simpson’s future, because she admitted that she hardly brushes her teeth. So now Papa Joe knows why Jessica looks at him funny whenever he walks around with a tube of toothpaste down his pants. Jessica ain’t interested. Not ever!

In an interview with iheartradio (clip above), Jessica singed the interviewer’s nostril hairs when she opened her dirty mouth and said, “I don’t brush my teeth. No, really! I just use Listerine and sometimes I’ll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. I mean, find me when I’m 60 and they’ll probably be all out.

John Mayer described Jessica Simpson’s pussy as crack, but he didn’t say anything about how he had to pick food particles off his dick every time she went down on him. Note to any dude who is about to get down with Jessica, bring a pack of Glide with you! You’re going to need it to floss steak bits out of your peen hole.

Here’s dirty-mouthed Jessica greeting a dog in NYC yesterday. Dog is like, “Did my tongue go a little too deep when I licked my asshole this morning, or is that just your breath?

Strut Your Shit Down The Hallway

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Cue the Charlie Angel’s theme song! Or the Sex and the City theme song! Or the Jawbreaker Strut song. Yeah, let’s go with the latter. So click play below and let it be your soundtrack while you look at pictures of Joe Jonas defying the laws of skinny jeans while shopping at the Grove in L.A. with his partners in glitter.

You know, I was about to say some shit about the trick on the right, but then I looked down at my current outfit: A Dollywood t-shirt, a navy blue cardigan, white sweats and black socks with neon blue stars on them. Because of this, I’m going to put down the teasing stick and excuse myself from the yard.

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Katherine Heigl Is Over This Shit

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Katherine Hagel was supposed to return to work on Grey’s Anatomy this past Monday after a 3-month maternity leave….buuuuuuut she didn’t. This explains the deafening cheers that were heard throughout the Los Angeles area on Monday morning.

Michael Ausiello over at EW says that Hagel didn’t show up because executive producer Shonda Rhimes has finally agreed to let her out of her contract. Hagel and her minions are currently working on an exit agreement with ABC. Hagel isn’t expected to return to set and her final episode has already come and gone.

Hagel has made it clear that she would rather smile a friendly smile than continue working on Grey’s, so it was nice of Shonda to unlock her handcuffs and release her back into the wild. Personally, I was hoping that Shonda tortured Hagel some more by making Izzie get Quasimodo’s face transplanted onto hers after getting mauled by a fat dog. But Shonda is a better person than I.

And don’t put the booze bottle down yet, because although Hagel’s face won’t be seen on the small screen anymore, it will be seen more on the BIG SCREEN. Yeah, you’re going to need a bigger bottle.

Wrestling Accident My Ass

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

The long lost twin of a plate of fried cheese, Mickey Rourke, claims he tore his bicep while wrestling in London, which is the reason why he’s wearing a brace on his arm. Somebody up in heaven (I’m talking to you, Bea Arthur) needs to gently hit Loki in the head, because his eyeballs got stuck mid-roll.

Unlike his character in The Wrestler, we all know that Mickey is pretty much indestructible in the ring. Most of his opponents end up hitting themselves in the face after staring into Mickey’s mug for longer than a few seconds. So I really doubt this was a wrestling-related injury. Since Mickey’s other body parts have a mind of their own, his arm was caught off guard one morning when he kissed his guns and it defended itself by punching him in the face. Mickey’s face is about as hard as Gay Al’s clit, so biceps tore and bones broke.

Now Mickey’s left hand gets to experience the pleasure of gripping Mickey’s deep fried peen. Left hand to itself: “FML.”

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 11th!

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan on the cover of People in the year 2027 after suing Pillsbury for using her likeness in the doughboy character. After all he’s pudgy and covered in white flour. – jppuertorico85

Runners-up:

Victoria’s Seacreature – NoAnjl

Just because you’re wearing fishnet, it doesn’t make you the catch of the day. – Team Valtrex

Spencer’s plastic surgery didn’t turn out quite as well as Heidi’s. – Tex-Bro

via FunPic

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 12, 2010 / Posted by:

BACON JESUS!

Since Banana Jesus has already been blended, swallowed, digested and sent down the sewer tunnel of broken memories, we need a new breakfast messiah. Behold BACON JESUS! I’ve always suspected that the body of Christ is in pieces of delicious bacon, but now we have proof! After drinking a few beers with his roommates late one night, a 22-year-old UK man was suddenly in the mood for a swiney treat. The dude started to make a few pieces of bacon, but he fell asleep while it was cooking (Real Talk Translation: Bitch was TANKED like a Hoff).

Thankfully, the smoke (aka Bacon Jesus’ farts) woke the dude from his drunk coma, but the bacon was completely burnt into the pan by the time he got to it. As he scraped the bacon off the pan, he noticed the face of Jesus Christ staring back at him. The dude told the Daily Mail, “It’s some kind of miracle!” (Real Talk Translation: It’s some kind of miracle you can only see when you’re so stoned your eyelids go numb!) Bacon Jesus is now hanging on the wall of his apartment.

Okay, don’t tell anyone, but Bacon Jesus looks like if Mona Lisa got involved with the wrong people (i.e. Orphan Girl at the Cemetery) and started spending her nights smoking meth under the bridge. That will be our secret. In the meantime, HAIL BACON JESUS! Smear yourself in bacon lube, drink a shot of bacon vodka and PRAISE!

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