T.I. must report to a court room tomorrow morning to face the shit for violating his probation by getting caught with the wrong stuff and Purple Drank in Los Angeles early last month. T.I. will now glide into the court room holding a shiny gold “Captain Save-A-Ho” belt over his head. That’s because T.I. talked a man off the ledge of a building in Atlanta yesterday! No, the man was not Tiny’s second cousin twice removed who was paid with mobile minutes and a gas card. The man wanted to jump his way to the afterworld, but T.I. turned on his halo and put out his lifesaving hand!
TMZ says that a man threatened to jump from a building where Ryan Cameron’s radio show is based. T.I. heard about it on the radio and immediately called in to Ryan Cameron to see if there was anything he could do. Ryan asked T.I. to twirl into his superhero outfit and fly on over to the station. When T.I. got there he recorded a heartfelt “DON’T DO IT” video message. After the police played the message for the man, he agreed to step down and meet T.I. in the lobby for a talk. The police are not pressing charges against the man.
I’m not saying that this was a staged stunt to show the judge that humanity will fall apart if T.I.’s thrown into a prison cell again. I’m not saying that. But I am saying that an idea has just formed in the empty liquor store we all know as White Oprah’s head. Two days before Lindsay Lohan’s next probation hearing, we will all read the TMZ headline: “LINDSAY LOHAN SAVES A CAT IN A TREE.” Only it won’t be a real cat, it will be Ali Lohan in the sexy tiger costume White Oprah used to wear during her alleged strippin’ days.
The Madge of today would never ever write a letter that reads like it was written with a plastic heart pen by a 7th grader at sleepaway camp who only chews watermelon Bubblicious (“Ewww! Grody! Mint is yucky“, she says) and is soooo mad that she was forced to use yellow lined paper because she was out of her signature stationary, marbleized hot pink lined paper. Totally bites.
1991 Madge hates girls, hates Chicago, hates actresses, thinks Geena Davis is a plastic doll filled with factory air and thinks the dudes in Chicago are the opposite of hot. Here’s the transcript from LOT.
For some reason I thought you were angry with me – because I finked out as a judge at the “Love Ball”? Because I’m still nice to Herb Ritts?? Because my hair is the wrong color? I hope you will forgive me for all of the above. Because I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern – Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses, they have nothing on the house of extravaganza. I wish I could come to N.Y and visit. Are you having a good Summer? Saw the piece in the N.Y Times Magazine. Great!! – I would love to do this book thing with you so lets talk soon.
THANKS ALOT STEVEN!!
Seriously, I don’t even think this generation’s Madge knows what “yuk” means. The only time she says “yuk” nowadays is when she puts on her fraudulent English accent to yell at her morning-shift cook for putting egg yolks on her breakfast plate. “You knoh that one dane’t eat the yuks! Fie the whites. Mustah this out of one’s face! Goodness me! Cheerio!”
Hopefully this will make Madge nostalgic for the old days of bitchery and she’ll go back to her old room at the HOUSE OF EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA to write more cuntified jewels like this on yellow lined paper.
And you know she folded that letter into an origami heart with “open my heart here” written on top of it.
You know that old timey fable about the woof (it’s so much better without the “l”) who viciously murders a sheep and then pulls a Buffalo Bill by making a body suit out of the sheep’s dead body so that he can easily slip into the “sheep world” to feast on all of their organs? This picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper in a bunny suit is totally like that story.
I mean, a silver fox putting on a bunny suit? I see you, Mah Boo. You’re just trying to eat some bunny ass. I’ll play along. As soon as I hit publish on this mess, I’m going to hot glue a bunny ear to each of my ass cheeks (I have no sensation down there anymore, so it won’t hurt), and stand in front of the CNN studios with my ass sticking out.
If one of you bitches sticks a baby carrot between my bunny ears, I’ll never talk to you again! Use a regular-sized carrot instead!
Anyways, Little Bunny Coop Coop posted this picture on his Twitter with the little note:
From ac: in IA for story on ape communication. The apes asked me to dress as a rabbit. Weird, huh?
Wait, the apes asked him to do this?! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! Get me a Teresa Giudice mask, find out how to say “Take off your clothes and wiggle” in Kokonese and then launch me into the ape den NOW!
(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me a million times!!!! Easter has come early and so has…….I’ll stop. )
Demi Moore found a way to cure her MeeMaw hip-cracking while “dancing”. – Vern
Now Lindsay, the ankle bracelet didn’t work so let’s just call this a measure in ‘protecting our future’ – cs182
Home Depot ended up regretting their sponsorship of the 2011 Miley Cyrus World Tour. – robrr1118
Jessica dreams all the time of the day she’ll get married (again) and be able to cut off the GPS tracking device Papa Joe keeps on her. – KD
One of my friends asked me on iChat yesterday if I was glued to the human saga we’ll call “Down and Out in Chile” (Bette Midler not included) like a Central Park West marathon and I replied with a, “Too busy watching Ma’s Roadhouse on repeat.” To which my friend pulled this shit out, “How can you deny this? It’s like Baby Jessica times 33! And in Chile, which means it’s way more dramatic!” THE CHILEAN BABY JESSICAS?! Close window. Block username. Force quit.
After I shut my iChat on her face, I thought about what she said and realized that she’s right. She’s especially right because of this semi-ESCANDALO story about our newest addition to the Hot Slut (literally) family Yonni Barrios and his passing the peen ways catching up to him while he was trapped in the underground city of shirtless dudes.
In case you haven’t already clutched your plastic rosary to this mess, Yonni’s wife and mistress found out about each other a couple of weeks ago when they both showed up to a prayer vigil at the site. The SANTO DIOSes shooting out of both of their mouths could be felt all the way down in the rock village below. This most likely caused Yonni to consider staying down there forever and marrying a lovely rock. It also caused everybody else to wonder if the wife and/or the mistress would show up on rescue day.
Well, only the side piece showed up and she welcomed Yonni with a kiss to the face instead of a punch to the dick. The wife stayed home, where she was probably torching all of Yonni’s shit on the front lawn ala Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale.
Here’s the clip of Yonni reuniting with his jump off. Keep that helmet on for a while, Yonni:
When the USA Network eventually makes an original movie about the Chilean miners, Yonni’s love triangle will be a pivotal plot. Erik Estrada and Lupe Ontiveros better call their agents NOW!
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