Katie Price Needs To Stop

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

No, this is not a picture of a kaleidoscope penis shaft or a pan fried pork dumpling. It’s the picture that Katie Price Tweeted yesterday before taking it down after LeAnn Rimes’ attorney sent her a cease and desist claiming that the toilet baby child of Falcor is the only fame whore who can Tweet her bare torso for some quick attention. But the Daily Mail copied the picture and Katie’s note before it was pulled down. Basically, Katie went nekkid on Twitter to whore out her friend’s juice diet.

“I’m not on diet just trying to be heathly (sic) with good foods and carbs bloat me.

My juice today for breakfast was pineapple, apples, ginger, banana, ginger, orange, mango, natural yoghurt, manuka honey! for lunch roast dinner haha”

That rainbow that just passed across England is from Harvey Price rolling his eyes at this madness and foolery. Juice diet?! More like the SUCK IN DIET, bitch! I’d know that pose from across a darkened room. No, seriously, that’s the same pose I see when I look at a mirror in a half-darkened bedroom during fuck times. It takes real skill to suck in your gut while trying to suck in a dick at the same time. Come at me when you can do that, Katie!

Here’s Katie trying to bring as much attention to her culo as possible while playing in a polo game with her piece Leandro over the weekend.

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The Wizard Sweat Was Spewing At Last Night’s Harry Potter Premiere

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

If you walked by the front of Avery Fisher Hall in NYC last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fangirls were licking the red carpet and scooting their Muggle ‘ginas like proud graduates of Toby’s School of New Tricks, it’s because Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint nearly melted their nipples off and drops of their DNA splattered all over the place.

NYC is currently trapped in one of Lucifer’s wet butt bubbles and the Harry Potter boys were forced to cover most of their body pores in suits from Friar Tux black label collection, so they were pretty much trying to learn how to pant from all of their exposed orifices. But not Emma Watson! Even though Emma looked like a rabid raccoon trying to scurry out of a burlap sack stuck to some opera curtains, she could raise her hand and be sure! And not only was Emma one of the only ones whose body didn’t feel like a dirty armpit pad at the end of the night, but she’s also been drunk before! FYI:

Here’s more from last night’s premiere. In order: All those HP chirruns, Alan Rickman, Ugly Betty, SJP with a tiny gondolier, Seth Green with his wife, Mister Jay (wearing the carcass of a spirit animal), Joey Fat One with his family and Matthew Broderick.

Only Here For Sue Ellen (And Lucy Ewing)

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

If the thought of Jesse Metcalfe shaking his “bigger in Texas” tits next to the other Desperate Housewives piece in Dallas 2012 made you want to go back in time to throw yourself in front of the bullet heading for J.R. , then you might want to get in line at the time machine. Or maybe not.

Last night, TNT aired the first preview for the new Dallas, which stars Man Tits Metcalfe (as Bobby and Pam’s adopted son), Josh Henderson (as J.R. and Sue Ellen’s son John Ross II), Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Charlene Tilton, Brenda Strong, Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo. The first of 10 episodes will start airing in one damn year.

It’s still too early to tell if this is going to be a sloppy mess like the one Jesse Metcalfe’s over-lactating nipples make in his tank top when he sneezes too hard. I only hope that the season one finale is titled: Who Plucked J.R.’s Abominable Snowman Brows?

And you can go ahead and sign my name at the bottom of the “Where in the Alexis Carrington wannabe Hell is that hot bitch Angelica Nero?!” petition you’re going to send to TNT.

via Entertainment Weekly

The Shemalien Who Fell To The Earth

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Posing on the border where my nightmares meet my wet dreams, Tilda Swinton wipes the skid mark left by Kim Kardashian’s skank shit off of W Magazine in a series of gorgeous pictures that make me want to tap my b-hole with a Lego Man wrapped in a Tyvek condom.

If Powder joined a Culture Club tribute band in Oz, that cover is what it would look like. The rest of the pictures give me “albino lab rat meets Botoxed Gollum meets a monk from the Temple of Bowie” vibes. There’s really nothing else more to say. The Foursquare Mayoress of Saturn strikes again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hide in a closet with my Lego Man.

Daddy Knowles Might Have Been Skimming A Little From The Top

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Matthew Knowles looks like a shady motherfucker who would steal a fart out of a bitch’s ass with his nose and claim it as his own, but would he actually snatch a dollar (or a few million dollars) out of his daughter’s wallet?

The ceiling tiles in the basement shook last March when Daddy Knowles announced that he was no longer Beyonce’s manager and the two were done professionally. Some figured that Tina Knowles slithered out of her lair of poor unfortunate souls under the sea and coerced Beyonce into pink-slipping her daddy, because he ruined the family by having a secret love child. But according to documents obtained by TMZ, Daddy Knowles was shown the exit door TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, because Beyonce had reason to believe that he was stealing money from her.

Daddy Knowles denies the allegations and says that Live Nation wanted him out and came up with the story that he was grabbing money right out from under Beyonce’s wig. He says that Live Nation scooped the dried wig glue out of Beyonce’s ear and told her that her daddy took profits from her 2011 world tour. Profits that didn’t belong to him. Beyonce believed Live Nation and told her law firm to audit her finances. When all was said and audited, her law firm confirmed that there was a thieving thief among them and his name is DADDY KNOWLES! Beyonce immediately fired him. The booming cackle let out by Tina Knowles was hot enough to curl every weave in a 5-mile radius. And yes, if your weave was among those who got curled, Tina Knowles will be sending you an invoice, because the bitch does not go unpaid.

Daddy Knowles is trying to clear his name and has asked a judge to grant him the right to take depositions from those involved at Live Nation, because he wants to know how they came to the conclusion that he’s a thief.

Daddy Knowles stole his mid-life face from Squidward, so the emotion labeled “surprise” would not fill my body if this turned out to be true. But Beyonce getting mad at a bitch for stealing? HA. I guess she’s teaching her daddy that you can’t out-thief a thief! School him, Bey!

And here’s Beyonce wearing her shopping wig while browsing the shoe section at Selfridges in London with her mama yesterday.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 11th!

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Sweatin’ Under An Oldie – loozer

Runners-up:

KFed weight loss 101: Move the fruit tart from in you, to on you. – Helluva HeLa

Fuck skinny jeans on your legs. This year it’s all about skinny queens on your back. – Vera Charles

“Shhh. No this really is how you survive a bear attack. And relax, too, that helps.” – grapesoder

via TMZ

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