Posh Might Be Getting The Baby Girl Of Her Dreams!

February 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Posh can wipe that “God, I’m surrounded by so much dick” look off her face finally, because The Sun has whispered out the rumor that she will no longer be the only lady of the Beckham manor. Posh is apparently trying to find ways to inject Ephedra and laxatives directly into her placenta, because there’s no way she’s going to birth a daughter who can’t fit into a size -2 Lagerfeld onesie! No baby of hers is going to wear Baby Spanx!

A source tells The Sun that during her 16-week ultrasound scan last month, Posh and Becks found out that she’s carrying a girl, which they’ll obviously name Little Gucci Dress Beckham. The source also terrorized my soul by shooting me with an OTM bullet made of cow shit, “David and Victoria are over the moon. This will be their last child and to be told they are having a girl is the icing on the cake for the Beckham clan.”

That OTM bomb did not come from the mouth of a Beckham, so I will overlook that for now.

And there’s a part of me that hopes the Beckham daughter turns out to be a butchie baby who has a natural smile plastered on her little face at all times and insists on only wearing toddler Timbs and Dockers. I’d love to see the look on Posh’s scowlface when her new baby girl kicks away the custom-made 6-inch booties she bought her. It’s a good thing air can hold Posh’s skinny ass up so she won’t bust her head when she faints.

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

February 5, 2011 / Posted by:

By popular demand, these pair of indifferent brows! Just so we’re clear, this trick’s minus sign brows are getting all the recognition here and she’s not getting any, because crime does not pay! Actually, crime can pay since there’s some rich ass criminals out there. But they’ve got blood on their hands! Blood they wash under a platinum faucet in the master bathroom of their yacht docked in the Mediterranean, but it’s still blood!

This lady criminal throwing you a “my brows could subtract that WTF look on your face so move along” mouth smirk is brought to us by the Museum of American Beauty that is The Smoking Gun.

Homegirl was asked to POSE FOR HER LIFE in front of the mug shot camera for violating her probation after getting arrested for pot possession (she was definitely on the good shit when she took a Sharpie or a DIY tattoo needle to her face), battery (for beating the original hairs out of her brow area) and retail fraud. Bitch looks like if Cleo from Set It Off starred in a Proactiv campaign catering to the Pokémon universe. And if bitch really wants to graduate to the next level of mathematics, she just has to paint a fat dot over and under those brows. Divide this, bitch!

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Birthday Sluts

February 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Cristiano Ronaldo (26)
Jeremy Sumpter (22)
Darren Criss (24)
Sara Evans (40)
Michael Sheen (42)
Bobby Brown (42)
Chris Parnell (44)
Laura Linney (47)
Duff McKagen (47)
Jennifer Jason Leigh (49)
Tim Meadows (50)
Barbara Hershey (63)
Christopher Guest (63)
Charlotte Rampling (65)
Michael Mann (68)

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Some Parents Don’t Like This

February 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Lea Michele from Glee is about as irritating as a thong made out of piano wire, but she’s a 23 year old woman, so nobody should say shit if she wants to bare her chest cutlets on the cover of a magazine. But guess what? Some parents are screaming “HARLOT!” from their church pews. They say that since Lea plays a high school girl on a TV show their teen kids watch, she has a responsibility to stop posing like a ho. One parent had this to say to Fox News:

“I think Lea Michele is sending the wrong message. She plays such a ‘good girl’ on ‘Glee’ and a lot of kids look up to her persona. Then she poses very provocatively on two magazine covers which makes my almost-13-year-old son very confused and offended. I find it frustrating as a parent who is trying to teach right from wrong to their kids and then you have things like this happen which is showing middle schoolers things like sex sells and all that goes along with that.”

I hate to break it to this mom, but the contorting face her 13-year-old son made when he looked at this cover of Cosmo wasn’t from him being SHOCKED, CONFUSED and OFFENDED. Dude had an unexpected visitor followed by a fucking accident, if I ain’t being too subtle.

The teen child of every parent complaining about this would probably get an A++++ on Cosmo’s “Sex Quiz” and gladly offer up extra credit. A “Bitch Please” to all these parents. Lea’s annoying ass isn’t tainting anybody’s innocence.

And Fox News also thinks it was inappropriate for Lea to say that her idea of a perfect night involves drinking a glass of wine while Skype-ing with her boyfriend. Oh, please. We all know that Lea’s idea of a perfect night involves slapping sleeping babies in a hospital nursery so that she can gargle with their tears of pain, so she actually cleaned it up a bit for Cosmo. Fox News needs to give Lea that at least.

Looking Good, Jude, Looking Good

February 4, 2011 / Posted by:

Dressed like he’s about to do early morning Tai Chi in the park, Jude Law hung out with a couple of friends on the streets of London today. Not only does Jude look like he’s about to stretch with the oldies, but he’s also dressed exactly like my abuelita when she would take a casual walk up the neighbor’s sloped driveway and “accidentally” fall against their avocado tree causing a few ripe fruits to fall into her plastic bag from Stater Bros. Sometimes the neighbor would catch her and she’d disappear into the shrubs separating our houses like one of the “mysterious creatures” in The Village or some shit.

And it’s blasphemous to bring up my abuelita and bulges in the same blog breath, but where’s Jude’s? Unless it’s long and flat like a lasagna noodle with a crimini mushroom tip, I doubt that thing in his pocket has ever touched Sienna Miller. I think.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

February 4, 2011 / Posted by:

This one’s a little too gross, we almost didn’t share. This A/B list, film mostly, British actress is a little self-obsessed or else a little nasty. She saved some of her tonsilloliths (google it, we had to) at the request of a fan who was willing to pay big bucks for them. He saved them in a little vile around his neck and calls them “Pearls of [Actress name].” Say it with us, YUCK! (BuzzFoto)

I GOOGLED so you don’t have to! You know those things. It’s fun to knock them off with Q-Tips. They pretty much look like one of Satan’s cum clots. Now on to the guesses. The first name that popped up was my favorite proud slut Sienna Miller, because she’s always got her mouth wide open and a fan probably spotted her tonsil dingles from far away and shouted, “Gimmegimmegimme!” And she just might be crazy enough to sell. Other guesses: Kate Beckinsale or Julie Andrews (it’s so not Julie Andrews)?

This used to be B list actress, but now probably a C. Our actress has always been kind of odd. She was on a very hit show. Like one of the most hit shows ever. It ended last year and since it has ended she has spent some time in a mental health facility. (CDAN)

Lost is the show. The Smoke Monster is the actress.

This actor seems fairly macho on screen, but is actually pretty much of a wuss in real life. He was being courted for a plum role in a upcoming action adventure. He was interested in the part, but after some consideration, thought it would be too physically and mentally demanding for him and turned it down. No matter how much money you offer this guy, he just won’t take a roles in which he might be a little too hot or cold, a little too dry or wet, or a little too high or low. (Blind Gossip)

Vin Diesel seems like he’d run in place until he started floating off the ground if he spotted a mouse, so I’ll go with him.

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