A Whole Lotta Bronzed Beauty In The Morning

June 14, 2010 / Posted by:

The only way to follow-up a post about Jimmy Dean is to give you pictures of Aretha Franklin and her 8th and 9th wonder of the world chichis, so here we are! Jimmy was probably a very important part of Aretha’s life so you know she bawled her kitchen ass wig off when she heard about his death. Then as she cried, she pulled a few Jimmy Dean sausage links out of her titty crevice, rolled ’em in her tears (which are maple syrup-flavored) and nibbled as she continued to weep. You and me both, ReRe!

Here’s Queen Aretha at the Tony Awards last night looking like Rowlf in glamour drag (that’s a compliment).

R.I.P. Jimmy Dean

June 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Shove a stick up my ass (just knock the other ones out of the way), wrap me in a chocolate-chip pancake and take a huge bite out of my soul, because Jimmy Dean is dead! The country legend, actor, host and more importantly sausage king is now microwaving breakfast bowls for the angels in heaven. Jimmy passed away at his home in Virginia last night of natural causes. Jimmy’s wife Donna says he wasn’t suffering from anything that serious, so his death has come to a shock to her.

Jimmy Dean wasn’t only known for his sausage (that wink goes out to Donna). Jimmy started out in country music and had several hits. Jimmy went on to host several talk shows including his own in the 1960s. Jimmy also did a little acting in Diamonds Are Forever and two episodes of Fantasy Island.

In 1969, Jimmy and his brother started his now iconic sausage company! Jimmy sold Jimmy Dean to Sara Lee in the 80s, but he stayed on as the spokesperson of the company until that pound cake-faced bitch fired his ass in 2004 because she said he was too old.

Rest in peace, Jimmy, and thank you for gently soothing many of my hangovers with your hot sausage grease.

And now you never have to deal with dumb shit like this again:

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 11th!

June 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Those bees are just going to be hungry again an hour from now. – cliff777

Runners-up:

China introduces the most effective birth control method known to man. – MardiGras

Once news broke that the third season of Jersey Shore was taking place in Thailand, the town virgins were gathered and given homeopathic valtrex shots. – SlutBuster

via Break

Birthday Sluts

June 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Boy George (49)
Kevin McHale (22)
Siobhán Donaghy (26)
Diablo Cody (32)
Molly Parker (38)
Steffi Graf (41)
Yasmine Bleeth (42)
Campbell Brown (42)
Traylor Howard (44)
Will Patton (56)
Donald Trump (64)
Marla Gibbs (79)

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Katy Perry Divided

June 13, 2010 / Posted by:

Looking like a Sporty and Ginger Spice mash, Katy Perry strolled around London last night in a giant American flag/Union Jack condom right after Team Krystle vs. Team Alexis’s game at World Cup.

Katy’s American genitals are bumping it with Russell Brand’s British genitals, so she said she really didn’t know who to throw her hands up for. DEPORT THE HO! Katy Tweeeted this after the game:

EVERYBODY WINS!!! I LIKE THAT! (Plus as an american marrying a englishman… I am DIVIDED)

You know who else is divided? Bitch’s nipple holes, because they are gasping for fucking air while being suffocated by that latex shit. But her eyebrow game gets a slippery goal or two.

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STFU Joe Jackson

June 13, 2010 / Posted by:

Somebody needs to tie Joe Jackson’s leash to a tree in the backyard and give him a neck bone to chew on, so he will stop barking and slobbering about Michael Jackson’s death already. The geriatric hate child of Aughra and a dehydrated catfish is spilling some shit-covered bullshit to the News of the World about his wife Katherine and their son. Joe blames Katherine for Michael’s death, because he knew their son was hooked on pills and he told her to go and save him. Joe would’ve done it himself but his switch was in the shop at the time.

In a videotaped interview with the NOTW, Joe says that he could barely look at Katherine after Michael’s death, because he believes she could’ve pretended it.

Joe farted and he farted loud, “Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn’t give her a hug because I was MAD at her crying. I said, ‘If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!’ I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong. I couldn’t bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn’t say a word – I had to get away from her. If she’d done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.

I had begged her to go over and stay with him, but she insisted he needed his privacy and gave him the slack she thought he needed. A child will listen to his mother more than his father – and Michael was a mummy’s boy. He listened to her. I still haven’t been able to talk about it to her as she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. She is a shell of the woman she was. She has headaches, can’t sleep and won’t deal with these problems – like Michael she would rather run away.

So I guess Joe Jackson’s Blu-Ray company isn’t panning out and the allowance Katherine gives him isn’t cutting it so now he has to tap dance for the tabloids in order to pay the car note on his jump-off’s Buick. Okay, then.

It makes sense that the front of Joe’s neck looks like the opening to Hell, because everything that comes out of his mouth hole sounds like it came out of Satan’s ass first. Go to bed, Joe, and take Shannon Price with you.

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