“Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan!” – The Superficial
It’s normal that a topless Colin Farrell holding a child puts you into a confusion state between fapping and awwwww-ing – Lainey Gossip
Cher will do Caca – Towleroad
What a used mesh tampon would look like if it mutated into a human – Hollywood Tuna
Ruuuun, St. Angie Jo’s clit is on the prowl! – The Daily What
Peter wanted to run his O’Toole on Ryan Gosling’s sistah – Celebitchy
What a KFed fart looks like – The Berry
Taylor Lautner, Gus Van Zant and Dustin Lance Black all walk into a bar together… – Just Jared
You know it’s permanent love when you can share skinny jeans – ICYDK
There is so much ugliness in this world (just look at every post below) that you should bathe your eyes in perfection (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Rachel Bilson in a pink robe. Or is it a pink robe over Rachel Bilson? – Popoholic
Ashley Jizzdale is back to blonde. Or is it blonde is back to Ashley Jizzdale? – Hollywood Rag
Oh, look at Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen being so in love, and charming, and picturesque and shit. Barf in all their faces! – Popsugar
My Little Pony Snatchers (not stills from an SJP porn) – Cityrag
That’s where Blake Shelton’s career will be in a couple of years so I love the foreshadowing of his Tweet! – SOW
Beyonce’s about to shit out a stack of copyright infringement lawsuits in 3…2 – OMG Blog
Either Shiloh just let one go or Angie Jo needs a mint, because Zahara’s nose is obviously inhaling something foul – I’m Not Obsessed
The CHIN is tired – Crunk + Disorderly
On the left is a full bodied Jonah Hill looking like an unshaven fat lesbian going to an SNL theme party as Pat in March ’10, and on the right is a de-chunked Jonah Hill at last night’s ESPY Awards. DAMN is right. No wonder I had zero will to exercise this year (and every year), because this bitch stole it all. OF COURSE, Jonah dropped the chunk from diet and exercise, and not from getting his stomach bag Spanxed while snorting blow cut with Dexatrim in that body sauna from I Love Lucy.
Some say that when you lose weight in your body, you gain old in your face. Now I’m not saying that’s what’s going on here, but the Jonah of today does look like a ginger Eminem at his ITT Tech graduation. But I’m still going to say that NOW Jonah is hotter. I’m only saying that because I’m sure underneath that suit, Jonah’s got a loose skin miniskirt and a back that looks like a Shar Pei puppy frowning. How can I deny a loose skin miniskirt and a sad Shar Pei puppy?
Weston Cage, the spawn of Nicolas Cage and Dementia (second GLOW reference of the day!), has earned half a dozen fuckery points for doing the following in the span of just a few weeks:
– Weston issued a goth prince beat down on his babysitter while having salads together. Two men in white coats threw a gigantic net over Weston and dragged him off to the crazy ward. The doctors promised to give him an Emily the Strange plastic lunchbox if he cooled the crazy. He did, and now guess which lucky boy keeps all his Urban Decay lash paints in an Emily the Strange lunchbox?
– Weston got arrested for fighting with his knocked up wife (who admitted to getting her fetus drunk during the fight) and later burped out some words of wisdom when he said that nobody should get married.
– While hanging out with the mother of his child in Hollywood last night, Weston showed us that he pulled some “Morticia Addams to Uncle Fester” shit by shaving all of his luxurious hair off and donating it to the Warlocks of Love.
Basically, the point I’m trying to make is that dude had a Brit Brit breakdown on basement-made meth. It took Weston just a few weeks to do what took Brit Brit a couple of months. We’re all inpatient assholes, so don’t you just love it when the crazy speeds up?
And Weston gave us a bonus last night when busted out some karate kicks in broken tap shoes and Hammer pants. Let’s all back up, because nobody wants to mess with a goth genie who can kick an eyeliner pencil out of your hand and then use it to reapply his in the ladies room. Wax on, bitch!
If you’re birthing out a baby this week and plan to name it either Corky Sherwood or Waldo Faldo, then you better copyright it now, because obviously the theme of the week is naming your kid after 90s sitcom characters. Posh & Becks already showed their love for George Costanza by naming their first daughter Harper Seven, and now Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have shown us which Friends character is their favorite. No, not Smelly Cat. I wish. Matt Tweeted this immortal words that will haunt his son until the kid learns how to fill out a name-changing form on his own.
So happy! Just had a baby boy, Bingham “Bing” Hawn Bellamy. Born 7Ib 12Oz, on 9th July.
BINGHAM BING HAWN BELLAMY?! Your child’s name should not sound like a tongue twisting exercise a theater geek does before taking the stage in their high school production of Pride & Prejudice. If you typed the name “Bingham Hawn Bellamy” into BING it will automatically direct you to the website thefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com. Ask Jeeves Hawn Bellamy would’ve been better since bitches only use BING to find free porn and cat pictures. Bing Bellamy was probably John Waters’ first choice of a name for Corny Collins in Haispray.
But let me look at the bright side of things, if an O pushed the I out of the way and took its place, his name would be BONG BELLAMY. Doesn’t that have a beautiful ring to it? Or maybe I inhaled my last toke too fast and I really am just hearing bells ring.
The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it’s a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh’s unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet’s population and blah..blah…blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer’s pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!
Birds: 1 Fishies: 0
Giuliana Rancid looks like she should be carrying a piece of leaf on her back to the ant hill, but she tells the bone-hating bitches out there to kiss her wax paper-wrapped butt bone (just remove any lip gloss before doing so, because that shit might have calories and she doesn’t want it to seep into her body). Giuliano (Freudian typo) got a lot of shit when a doctor told her she had to add at least 10 pounds of fat between her bone and skin if she wanted to get pregnant, and she only gained 5 because she’s a slave to the treadmill. But Giuliana tells Celebuzz that her stomach is always full of at least half of a lemon seed and she eats whatever she wants (up to two lemon seeds).
Yeah. I went to Italy, and I consumed way too many calories a day, but I didn’t care. Bill and I made a deal on the plane over that we can’t say “no” to anything, including food. Like if Bill says, “Let’s have a crepe,” I can’t say no — even though I just had a gelato, and I’m full. We indulged like crazy for two weeks, but we took really long walks in the vineyards, and we stayed active. And when we got back to Los Angeles, we were back at Equinox the next day on the treadmill.
I eat whatever I want. I never starve myself. I eat five times a day — if not more. I workout every day and bust my butt to stay in shape, which can be six to seven days a week.
Okay, so now we can all stop going on about how Giuliana is the sole reason why Jenny Craig has seen a 90% rise in skeleton sign-ups. Giuliana works very hard to get her body looking like the human embodiment of an ANTZ character. So Giuliana’s haters are just fat loooooosers (the troll spelling of “loser“) who can’t follow the Yackins diet!