Afternoon Crumbs

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

What in furry shit hell is dribbling down Adrien Brody’s chin?! – Lainey Gossip

Just call her Kunta Katie The Superficial

Jenny McCarthy’s tits look as natural as Jim Carrey’s prosthetics in The Mask (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

White Oprah’s #itgetsbetter campaign will debut in 3..2.. – Celebitchy

Heather Graham, one of the first canvases of The Slut Dress, still knows how to dress – Hollywood Tuna

Steven Seagal is obviously getting Steven Seagal confused with Chuck NorrisBoston Barstool Sports

Things to do in Glasgow while you’re drunk – TDW

Chris Hemsworth’s got a nice rack – Towleroad

BREAKING: Becks got a haircut – Popsugar

Leighton Meester, a bikini and a dog’s ass – Popoholic

KITTEHS! – The Berry

Josh Bowman DOWNGRADED from Amy Wino to Miley Cyrus Just Jared

Does this mean that Camille Grammer can now perform an interpretive dance on Kelsey’s cross-dressing kinky ways? – ICYDK

The honey badger is now my favorite animal – OMG Blog

Avril Lavigne should get that gangrene on her hair checked out – Moe Jackson

How tetherball was meant to be played – Cityrag

ASkars! ASkars (just ignore the skeleton in Ray-Bans behind him) – Hollywood Rag

Tony Hawk’s marriage is dead – I’m Not Obsessed

And here’s Detective La Toya calling herself Detective La Toya in the presence of RuPaul.

Is that feeling from the two Cup Noodles I had for lunch is that what it feels like when Detective La Toya gets to the bottom of your heart!?

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Gisele Bundchen Never Called SPF Satan’s Saliva

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

You better pull those bottles of Hawaiian Tropic out of your waste receptacle, because supermodel and well-known foot swallower Gisele Bundchen never said that she’d rather shake hands with Bridget Moynahan than slather SPF on her bones. The Daily Mail quoted Gis as saying that sunscreen is poison and she tries to only go outside before 8am since that’s when the suns rays aren’t as strong. But Gis claims that The Daily Mail doesn’t know Portuguese from Pekingese, because her words got lost in translation. Her rep tells People that some of her family members have been diagnosed with skin cancer so she would never say such a thing. This is what her rep said really came out of her mouth:

“She simply stated that her all natural skincare line does not include an SPF product. She followed that line of questions saying she tried to stay out of the sun when it is the strongest between 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. And yes, Gisele does use sunscreen–just not harsh formulations. When using sunscreens she selects ones that are free of parabens, oxybenzone, PABA, and retinyl palmitate. She buys her sunscreen at Whole Foods, so she can find ones that are free of harsh chemicals. She says, ‘Of course I put on sun block. I don’t want to look like a shrimp!’”

Or if you don’t have sun block on you, just put a pair of Tom Brady’s wet chonies over your face! But seriously, now that you know Gisele Bundchen’s official stance on sunscreen, you can go back to not caring about Gisele Bundchen’s official stance on sunscreen. So glad we cleared this up.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Hoff And His Purple Velvet Shoes

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

The Hoff stumbled out of a club in London early this morning and ran into a group of girls who asked to get a picture with him. The Hoff lit the hell up and eyed that young piece as if she was covered with cheddar cheese, pieces of wilted lettuce, ketchup and other things you might find in the condiment bar of a Burger King. But unfortunately for The Hoff, she had no interest in letting him nibble on her patties on his kitchen floor. She probably doesn’t even know who The Hoff is! She just wanted to get a picture with his precious purple velvet shoes. Story of The Hoff’s life.

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This Is Justin Bieber

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber normally looks like a grown woman posing as a 12-year-old boy decoy in To Catch A Predator, but in Best Buy’s Super Bowl commercial he looked like the exact opposite. Hairy beaver alert. Justin perfectly resembled a middle-aged child toucher who smells like gasoline and body odor and shows up to the decoy’s house with a bag full of condoms, duct tape, Slim Jims, Spanish Fly and a mix CD of boy band songs. That’s definitely the face you’d find staring back at you if you went to investigate the strange rustling noise in the bushes outside of your bedroom window. A face that only mace and the National Sex Offender Registry could love. This is The Lesbeaver’s way of proving to all of us that he can successfully star in a one-Bieber production of The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane.

And if Geico ever needs someone to play a caveman inspired by Peter Horton, they know where to find Justin.

Here’s the hairless Beaver strolling around with his cougar girlfriend Selena Kay Letourneau in Santa Monica yesterday. For someone who will have to enter the Witness Protection Program in a few months, Selena looks so happy. It’s amazing what a publicist’s love arrow can do. Girl better be getting a cut of Justin’s profits, because she’s going to need it to get a face transplant and head lipo so the crazed Beliebers don’t recognize her.

Eva Longoria And Penelope Cruz’s Brother Do It On A Boat

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s pictures from the past couple of days of Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz standing near each other on a friend’s yacht in Miami. This (and the picture of Eduardo’s tongue bungee jumping into Eva’s mouth) pretty much confirms that Eduardo is Eva’s full-time rebound fuck partner. Not because their mouths have become one, but because ho is SANS FARDS.

I know Eve has been photographed without her make-up mask on before, but for some reason she’s always reminded me of one of my sluttier friends (that is really saying a lot) who has always REFUSED to be seen in her natural state. This bitch goes to bed with a full face of make-up and prays to the saints that MAC comes out with a shower head attachment that squirts out bronzer. After most normal hos drunk barf in a parking lot outside of a club, they scream for a mint or another cocktail (or a mint julep to kill two birds, etc….), but my friend screams for her lipstick and a compact! A shame. Anyway, this ho told me that she knew shit with her boyfriend was the real thing when she let him give her a facial of love and she didn’t even freak out about how she didn’t bring her drag face case with her. I mean, he definitely saw her SANS FARDS after she washed her face in his bathroom and she didn’t care. That’s the real true test of love. So yeah, Eva and Eduardo are totally going to last.

And Eduardo sort of looks like what you’d see if you stared at Wilmer Valderrama with beer goggles on, so YAY for Eva.

Jeff Brazier Can Lick His Own Penis

February 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Up until a few faps, I mean, a few minutes ago, I knew nothing about this Jeff Brazier dude, but nothing will make me Google Image a ho with one hand while plastic wrapping my chair with the other like reading the words: “I can lick my own dick!” The quickest way to a slut’s hole is to utter those words.

Torso of the week award winner Jeff Brazier is a British reality whore who used to be a footballer and dated the late Jade Goody for a couple of years. And apparently, Jeff is so hung that his dick can knock the nuggets off your tonsils while he fucks you. So it’s really no surprise that Jeff can make out with his peen’s mouth. While doing an interview for Dancing on Ice, Jeff said that his self-fellatio act has quickly become his go-to party trick.

“I do! I’ve not performed it for some time, but it originated from when I was an apprentice at Leyton Orient. The older pros had noticed that I had a talent, and one night, when I was on reserves, one of them said to me, ‘I bet you could probably suck your own thingy, couldn’t you?’ And then another one went, ‘Go on, try it!’

I did, yeah. I was young and pretty impressionable. I managed to touch myself with my tongue. I didn’t spend too long down there, I have to say. It was just making the contact that was the impressive part. But I think it was just to do with being young and flexible. I’ve not tried recently. I did it for everyone when I was on Shipwrecked. We were all a bit down ‘cos it had been raining, and the cameras were off, so I was like, ‘Hey everyone, have a look at this!’… It’s legendary! I feel lucky that I’ve been given a good few inches above average.”

This declaration from Jeff falls directly under the PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN category. I really don’t know if I believe Jeff at all. If I could do that, the only sounds you’d get from me after asking a question would be: kljklajdfkladddseesjfkjdjd….. slurp…. jljkladmmsfjkljfeee… gargle… gulp… zzjljlkjkljkl. Actually, that’d be one of the most articulate answers I’ve ever given, so maybe I should start stretching, praying, pumping and training.

And because you want to see, here’s a picture of Jeff’s Big Ben bulge:

I don’t know whether I want to strap that thing around a steering wheel for security or spoon with it on a sofa.

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