The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage set off a thousand IThoughtTheyWereGoingToLastForevers, but apparently this has been a long time coming. Maria tried to evict The Schwarzenegger from her life two years ago, but then her mother passed away. Maria then tried again earlier this year, but her father. Everybody’s death kept screwing with her divorce plans! People are so selfish! But now, Maria has put all of her loved ones on the eternal life plan (Jack LaLanne juice, kitten videos and fleshlight aerobics) and is trying to make this divorce shit happen for real this time! On the other hand, Arnold isn’t ready to pry his dehydrated apricot claws off of Maria just yet. Arnold wants to make it work.
At an Israel Independence Day Celebration event in L.A. last night, Arnold declared his love for Maria and thanked those who have supported their decision. This speech would’ve been so much better if it was given by 3 titty prostitute from Total Recall.
“I just spoke to Maria an hour ago before I came here. We both were saying the same thing – we’re extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people, by so many wonderful friends.
We both love each other very much. We’re very fortunate to have four extraordinary children. And we’re taking it one day at a time. The bottom line is we want to thank all the people for their great, great support.”
Thank you for that touching pair of paragraphs that we could’ve read in the “personal life” section of your Wikipedia bio. Thank you for that.
In that telephone conversation with Maria, Arnold might’ve hit her with the old Austrian plea for forgiveness which involved a lot of grunting, stomping and threats that he’ll turn her into a raven and steal her fritters. TMZ says that Arnold desperately wants Maria back and has promised to change his ways. Sources say that Maria’s main issues with Arnold are that his ego is bigger than his glazed chest dumplings and he can’t keep his dick in his pants. But Arnold is suddenly acting sweet and it’s confusing Maria. The source added, “Arnold has done a 180. He’s been really sweet to her since all this went down. Maria has been tortured over pulling the plug on the marriage. One day she’s determined to get the hell out, and the next day she just can’t do it.”
Isn’t this how it usually works? One minute, the bastard would rather make out with a pile of dried dog poo than touch you. Then as soon as you deliver his quittin’ papers, he’s got his non-lips all over you and is begging you to let him lick off the residue of pain he left on your skin. Don’t fall for it, Maria! Arnold is only using you as a front to the hide the fact that he’s working for an underground agency called The Omega Sector that’s headed by a one-eyed Charlton Heston. I seen dis in a movie! But seriously, we should all hope that they make it work. If two bacon-wrapped skeleton people can’t make it, none of us can!
And here’s Arnold trying to make out with some lady’s neck in Beverly Hills yesterday. Or maybe he’s trying to fish out her wallet.
Finally, Gwyneth Paltrow figures out a way to enjoy her own farts without letting any poor people in on the pleasure. – TFBuckFutter
When the Michelin Man’s wife wants to spice things up in the bedroom, she greets him at the door wearing nothing but saran wrap. – ZombiePanda
Seen here in her “Paz-Mat” suit, Ms. De La Huerta shields fellow cast members from her 100-proof breath. – perky
After years experimenting Bobby Trendy finally found an outfit that made his face acceptable to the general public – Near_Dark
Momma Opossum, the invincible possum who was shot five times in a cage and didn’t die!
In my mom’s backyard, she always had a family of possums hanging in the trees staring back at us the same way a middle-aged man at an 18 and over dance club sits on the speaker box and creepily glares at the young girls shaking their shit on the floor. They throw the “don’t leave your drink unattended” stare. They’ve always creeped me out. But they aren’t creepy and they have feelings like us (I know, I’m a regular Obvious Hanna this morning). Just because they hang from trees, steal dog food, attack small animals and knock our trash cans over doesn’t mean they are evil! Ke$ha does all of that and more and we still let her into public places. Bad example. But we certainly shouldn’t trap them in a cage and then shoot them in the face up close five times! And that’s exactly what some evil possum hater did to Momma Opossum in Waterloo, Iowa.
The Humane Society found Momma Opossum in a cage with six babies in her pouch and five bullets spread out across her face and shoulders. They thought she had gone to the great big backyard in the sky, but she didn’t! Momma Opossum lives! They removed most of the bullets and have already released her back into the wild. They have also offered up a $500 reward for information leading to the arrest of the possum hunter (ten jars of moonshine says it’s a Cyrus)!
Teresa Evans of The Black Hawk Wildlife Rehabilitation Project tells the WCF Courier, “To trap an animal in a live trap and shoot it repeatedly – in our opinion, it’s cruel. I think she’s going to do fine out there. She’s got an excellent second chance now in an area that’s pretty undisturbed by human habitat.”
Oh, Momma Opossum is going to do more than fine out there. This bad bitch has cheated death (or maybe she did die, rose from the dead and is now a ZOMBIE POSSUM!!!) and now she’s out for revenge! And she’s also out for a little dog kibble and crab apple from your tree, but mostly she’s out for revenge!!!!
(Image via WCFCourier)
Martha Quinn (52)
Matt Giraud (26)
Holly Valance (28)
Cory Monteith (29)
Jonathan Jackson (29)
Laetitia Casta (33)
James Haven (38)
Nicky Katt (41)
Jeffrey Donovan (43)
Tim Blake Nelson (47)
Peter North (54)
David Gest (58)
Shohreh Aghdashloo (59)
Frances Fisher (59)
And here we are again with another episode of “Who Co-Created The Fetus In January Jones’ Womb?”
UsWeekly has already taken Jason Sudeikis’ name out of the ring leaving Bobby Flay in there alone. There’s also a chance that Ashton Kutcher’s dumb fuck sperm made a wrong turn, got lost and finally found the right spot 10 years later. This is a possibility. But E! News got a tip from an unnamed source who claims that January Jones got down low messy with a dude she met on the set of X-Men: First Class. The source said that the man she did movie set sex with is the father of her child. That narrows it down to at least 200 possibilities! We’re getting closer to knowing something that is totally not our business. YAY!
Now, I took a handful of candidates, analyzed their bios and came up with the scientific odds (that I yanked out of my ass) of them being the father. We’re off!
Kevin Bacon (plays Sebastian Shaw)
Marital Status: Married to Kyra Sedgwick
Odds: 400-1 = You are NOT the father!
Matthew Vaughn (the director)
Marital Status: Married to Claudia Schiffer
Odds: 5-1 = You might be the father. Stay in your seat.
Jason Flemyng (plays Azazel)
Marital Status: MARRIED!
Odds: 1000-1 = We aren’t even wasting our Southwest miles to fly you out for the show.
Nicholas Hoult (plays Beast)
Marital Status: Single and he might be dating that Jennifer Lawrence chick.
Odds: 36-1 = You can sit in the fourth row in the audience just in case we need you.
Michael Fassbender (plays Magneto)
Marital Status: Single.
Odds: 2-1 = You ARE the father! And if you are not the father, pull off them panties and I’ll make you the father of my prostate baby.
Edi Gathegi (plays Darwin)
Marital Status: Unknown
Odds: 23-1 = January fucking wishes.
James McAvoy (plays Professor Charles Xavier)
Marital Status: Married with child!
Odds: 472 – 1 = You are NOT the father, because you know that if you were the father half of the female population would turn on you and you’d never work in any town again!
Oliver Platt (plays Man in Black)
Marital Status: Married with children!
Odds: 1-1 = Who can fucking resist?
Alex Gonzalez (plays Riptide)
Marital Status: Unknown.
Odds: 1-1 = See above.
According to results, the father is either Alex Gonzalez, Oliver Platt, Michael Fassbender, Matthew Vaughn, one of the production assistants, the dude who made omelets on Saturdays at craft services or none of them! Or maybe January really wants concrete proof that she’s 1 degree away from Kevin Bacon. That will make her the life of every party. It’s official! The Bacon did it!
And here’s January Jones taking Baby Bacon to Houston’s in Pasadena yesterday.
While the soundtrack to Mafia II plays in the background, The Situation’s daddy Frank Sorrentino lays out a theatrical monologue where he blasts his son for turning on the family after reaching the heights of fame (insert laugh track here). What I’m getting from this video is that Frank would probably get a C- in a night drama class at a community college if he did one of Robert DeNiro’s monologues from Goodfellas. I’m also getting that Frank asked The Situation for a few dollars and he was told to “go on welfare” like a “regular fucking Joe Blow.” After getting turned down by his own son, Frank did what any parent of a famewhore would do: he went off on YouTube! Anybody who calls The Situation a “little fuck” gets at least one like from me!
Frank isn’t stopping there. He’s uploaded a bunch of other rants and in some of them he goes off on the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Below is Frank calling Snooki a 4’11” piece of shit who shows her everybody her buchiach (that’s Italian for “cunt”) and constantly blows guys in the bed. And then he says Ronnie is a bitch who cries like a fag. Yes, Frank is not only a devoted father, but he’s also a poet who should travel to Italy with the cast so that he can show the country that he truly is the reincarnation of Dante.
I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I’ve been introduced to the word buchiach. My life goal of learning how to say “dumb cunt” in every language is almost complete!