When I worked at Pottery Barn, the bane of my existence there were these silk flowers that terrorized nearly every inch of the store. I hated them and they hated me. I was the truth to their Bristol Palin. The customers loved those flowers, though. They used them for bridal bouquets, Christmas centerpieces, hair decorations, outdoor floral beds, etc… etc.. One woman even told me that she likes to buy a bundle of them just so she can stroll through the shopping area with them popping out of her bag like she just returned from a flower market in Paris. My plastered smile said “Thank you for the sale!!!” but my eyes said “You ain’t Belle and this ain’t a Disney movie, bitch.”
That shit wasn’t cheap either. People would spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars for some shit you could make with tracing paper and green pipe cleaners. I tried to let them know that for the same price they could get a chenille throw that’s softer than teddy bear’s taint. A throw that you can roll up in the summer and use it as a decorative accessory on a bookshelf in your living room (A manager actually told me to use that selling point. Fact.) But they never listened to me! They were crazy for fake flowers! I swear, when I get to the other side, I will find a field of lavender hydrangeas waiting for me. And a few seconds after I joyously frolic through them, thinking that I’ve made it to heaven, I’ll look down and see a Pottery Barn price tag on that shit. For me, nothing says “Welcome to Hell” like a fake flower from Pottery Barn.
But I will say that one way to get me to temporarily love silk flowers from Pottery Barn is to use them to frame Salma Hayek’s bountiful bosom.
Here’s Salma wearing a dress by Wilson’s Leather and Pottery Barn with Antonio Banderas at the Puss in Boots photocall in Cannes. Salma later returned that bolero to a PB tin bucket to sashay down the carpet for the premiere of Midnight in Paris.
All those promises of Lindsay Lohan going to jail for 120 days and spending the next 10 years of her life doing community service proved to be just LOLjk talk! No such thing is happening. LiLo has won yet another round in a game of dare with the California Justice System. LiLo didn’t have to be in court today, so her lawyer pleaded “no contest” on her behalf to the charge of misdemeanor theft. Judge Stephanie Sautner kept the sentence of 120 days in jail intact for the probation violation, but the Sheriff said that it’s likely Lynwood will be spared from dealing with Lindsay Lohan. Here’s the entire sentence Judge Stephanie dropped in LiLo’s lap today:
120 days in jail for violating probation. Steve Whitmore of the Sheriff’s Department says that she will get credit for 2 days already served. Steve also believes that the 120 will be whittled down to 71 days for good behavior. Due to overcrowding, she’ll likely only serve 14 days. Radar says that LiLo’s lawyer has already asked to serve her time on house arrest. It will probably get approved. She’ll get an ankle monitor and won’t be able to leave her house for any reason. Some call “house arrest” a real punishment, but I call that shit a non-stop party vacation! That sounds like ten 8-balls of FUN! Especially since LiLo has a personal booze mule named Ali Lohan who will use Nana Lohan’s ID to buy economy-sized jugs of vodka at Costco. Sign me up!
LiLo must complete a shoplifters anonymous course, which I’m sure consists of watching the 90210 episode that tackles Kelly Taylor’s klepto habit. LiLo will also have to undergo psychological counseling.
LiLo has to finish up 480 hours of community service, which she’s already in the process of doing. Once she finishes that shit, she won’t be on probation for the DUI charge anymore. But she’ll still be on 3 years probation for stealing that necklace.
That’s that! I’m sure we’ll be doing all of this again next month, so see you then!
Unflattering pictures of Jennifer Aniston leaving a Mexican restaurant after swallowing tequila shots and tortilla balls were not available for OK Magazine’s “YES, SHE’S PREGNANT” cover, so they went with Katie Holmes instead. Stepford Katie’s rep has already blamed Photoshop wizardry on the reason why there are pictures of her with audit bloat, but OK’s source say that she’s lying and she really is pregnant with Suri’s next torture victim.
This source says that Katie is telling her friends she’s knocked up and is going to wait a little while longer before she makes the news public. One her friends told OK!, “She said she’s finally past the morning sickness phase. She was talking a mile a minute. She’s so excited.”
OK! really wants me to believe that between shooting movies and taking Suri for her daily photo-op strolls, Tommy actually found the time to cum into a frozen turkey baster (shoved gently up a male hustler’s ass, of course) and then present it to an L. Ron Hubbard hologram in a lavish Scientology mating ritual? Yeah, no. It’s not in the contract. I’ll believe it when I see Katie shopping for tiny clothes at the tiny people store. Actually, scratch that, she could be shopping for her husband. I’ll really believe it when I see Suri moving her shit into the guest cottage, because she’s not going to let some screeching brat ruin her beauty sleep.
The hat that looks like two bitchy sperm fishes fighting about who gets to fertilize the egg is heading for eBay! The Original Fergie tells Oprah (in an interview airing today) that her daughter Princess Bea is donating the Philip Treacy-designed fascinator (drop the “f” and that’s my fantasy bath house nickname) she wore to the Royal Wedding to charity. The Aretha Franklin hat of 2011 can be yours! From People:
“She’s putting it up on eBay to auction it for UNICEF and for children in crisis,” Beatrice’s mother, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, announced Wednesday during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
No, UNICEF does not stand for: Urstruly Needs Immediate Cash Endorsements Forreal. And I don’t think Fergie’s nickname for her offshore account is “children.” I think she’s really donating it to charity!
In the same interview, Fergie said that she went to Thailand during the Royal Wedding, because she sad that she wasn’t invited. Fergie said that she understood that her con man ways cost her an invitation, but she was still sad, “It was so difficult. Because I wanted to be there with my girls and to — and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family.”
Well, the molded vomit mess on Princess Bea’s head made all of us rolls our eyes and laugh to keep from heaving, so it was just like Fergie herself was there top of her daughter’s head!
In news that even Alison the Slycic could have predicted, Taylor Armstrong of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and her skeezer slimehole of a husband Russell have quietly tiptoed away from their marriage. Taylor has said that her 7-year-old marriage to Russell has become nothing but a business arrangement and he always has a tortured look on his face like he’s a stupid argument away from giving up on life. (No, I don’t mean suicide, silly! I mean that he’ll only get around on a Hoveround, won’t ever change his underwear, will only survive on items found on a drive-thru menu and won’t bathe unless an order from the health department forces him to do so. Like half of America!)
Most of Taylor and Russell’s problems come from the fact they’ve got Aston Martin tastes on a Yugo GV budget. Their frivolous spending habits have left their finances as empty as a plastic surgeon’s entire supply of Juvederm when Taylor comes to visit. A source says that Taylor has moved out and is so upset that she’s lost 15 pounds.
How can Taylor lose 15 pounds when bitch doesn’t even weigh 15 pounds! Poor ho is probably nothing but yallaw weave, bones and lips now. Like the bottom of a box of KFC after Jessica Simpson ravages through it.
This is for the best, though. Taylor is a crazy gold digger who sucks at gold digging, but I still don’t know how she slept next to Russell’s creepy ass for that long. Russell probably sleeps with both eyes open and slurps on canned anchovies in the middle of the night as a snack. He’s always been like a skinny Penguin to me. I never blamed Taylor for plumping up her mouth to monkey anus proportions, because she was probably hoping if she keeps injecting, her top lip will block her view of Russell’s face one day.
Bristol Palin has a really good reason for why she now looks like a silicone jar filled with an Audrina Patridge/Heidi Montag swirl. Bristol didn’t get the tip of a dildo inserted into her chin and a wet vac didn’t suck the baby making fat out of her neck. Bristol tells UsWeekly that she had corrective jaw surgery last December and it changed her face. “Corrective jaw surgery” is the new “deviated septum!”
Bristol had an improper bite (“That explains everything!” – Levi’s peen) and underwent surgery to correct it. Bristol wore braces as a kid to correct her overbite, but dentists have always told her that she would have to get surgery sooner or later. Bristol lost 5 pounds from only eating liquid foods for a couple of months. If you don’t fee like straining your face muscles for the likes of Bristol Palin, feel free to print out a “bitch please mask” to wear while you read what she has to say about her new face.
“It’s not plastic surgery. I had corrective jaw surgery. Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons…so my jaw and teeth could properly realign…I don’t obsess over my face. I am absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face. I wouldn’t get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured.”
IMPROVED?! Okay. Bristol then went on to say that she suffered from chronic cold neck so she got extensions to correct that condition. Bristol’s doctors also diagnosed her with overactive lungs, so she’ll have to get breast implants in the future to control that. IT’S A MEDICAL CONDITION!
That being said, Bristol’s surgeon fucked up and he should do the surgery again. The doctor didn’t correct anything. I mean, her jaw is still moving.