Open Post: Hosted By Bieber’s Future Backup Dancer

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

If you’re going to record a YouTube video of you singing to a Justin Bieber song, why would you just do the wallflower shuffle while your dad (or maybe he’s their uncle who drives an electric blue Mustang and always smells like pina coladas) upstages you with his sweet sweet moves in the background? That spazzed out swan has the boogie in him and he’s trying to shake that shit out while the two girls just stand there!

I mean, I think I just watched him do the Cabbage Patch, the Macarena and the Viennese Waltz AT THE SAME TIME. Dude totally used to be a Fantasmic! dancer back in the day.

Wait. Maybe these girls aren’t moving because they are stunned with fear. Should we call the police?

And speaking of bitches with moves, here’s your memaw at a game the other day. I don’t mind that she’s wearing CROCS, because it’s obvious that she’s burning the soles right off of em.

via Buzzfeed

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Oh, Chyna

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Chyna, a 2008 graduate of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, has fallen off the wagon hard again. Just when Chyna starts to climb into the back of the wagon, the driver hits the gas and off she goes. TMZ reports that Chyna went way overboard with the booze and is now being treated for alcohol poisoning at UCLA Medical Center. Apparently, Chyna was rushed to the hospital earlier this morning and her condition isn’t known right now.

I’ll add updates as soon as they come in. In the meantime, somebody grab Shelly by her glasses and tell her to get over to UCLA now.

UPDATE: That was quick. A source tells TMZ that Chyna didn’t guzzle the sweet nectar like The Hoff with cotton mouth. Apparently, Chyna had trouble sleeping last night so she took some Benadryl. And by “some” I mean she swallowed 4 or 5 times the recommended amount. When Chyna woke up this morning, she got the barfs and couldn’t walk by herself. She’s getting fluids right now and will probably be released from the ER today.

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George Meets The Parents

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Score 1 for Elisabetta Canalis. And score 0 for her “jeliz fat ugly haterz“. Elisabetta Canalis tore George Clooney away from his dildo chair (don’t worry, it will heal) to take him over to her home island of Sardinia to meet her parents Cesare and Bruna.

In between sightseeing and dinner with Elisabetta’s parents, George signed autographs and hugged and kissed all the locals. At one point, People says George posed for a picture with someone’s baby when a trick in the crowd (who Elisabetta probably paid) screamed in Italian “Ora tocca a te! [It’s your turn now!]” A witness said, “Clooney obviously didn’t understand, but everyone turned to look at Elisabetta. She simply smiled.”

Elisabetta wasn’t smiling because the sight of George Clooney with a baby made her womb coo. No, bitch smiled because she pictured the baby as a giant bag of money. You would smile too.

Speaking of meeting the parents, let’s all share our own stories. My ass doesn’t have a lot of “meet the parents stories” to tell since most of the bitches I date live by the “Don’t Bring a Dumb Slut Home to Mom” rule. But when I was 19, my boyfriend at the time really wanted me to meet his mom. When we first started dating, he told me that his mom hated his gayness and therefore automatically hated all of his boyfriends. That’s always fun. I only agreed to go, because we were meeting her at a chocolate shop she worked at. And well, I figured being called a “sinning fudge packer” while nibbling on a piece fudge would be a good memory to stick in the scrap book in my head.

So when we finally got there, the second thing she said to me after “Hello, how are you?” was, “You got some of that Oriental in you? My cousin married one of those. They divorced now.” But the worst part was that the only free chocolate I got was a white chocolate truffle with cherries. It was fucking disgusting! I mean, I could’ve gotten better free chocolate at See’s and they wouldn’t have called me an Oriental to my face!

End Of Days: White Oprah Has To Get A Job

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

This is what it looks like at the Lohan house right now: the medicine cabinets are bare, the mirrors are completely clean and the Svedka vodka truck did not show up for its daily delivery due to non-payment. That’s because White Oprah’s main ho is in “desperate financial shape” and is about to snort up her last dollar. So THAT’s why the ginger cokeyhead went to a few AA meeting this past weekend. FREE POWDERED DONUTS! Hey, if you hum the theme song to Scarface while snorting up powdered sugar, you can almost get your brain to believe. Almost.

Sources close to Blohan tell Radar that she doesn’t have a pot to barf in and the entire Lohan family is feeling it. The source says, “Lindsay is in serious trouble financially. Dina is struggling to make ends meet and pay Lindsay’s lawyers and this latest development doesn’t help things. Everyone thinks the Lohan family is so well-off, but if they knew the truth, it would be shocking. She’s in a tight spot, the family’s in a tight spot. It’s really a sad situation.”

It’s times like this that White Oprah wishes Craigslist had a “Buy a Bride” section, because it’s a bitch calling sheik after sheik to try to sell off The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at fire sale prices. White Oprah would rather sell her kids’ internal organs to cannibals than get a real job. But somebody should still tell her that Fudgie the Whale just posted a want ad this morning looking for a slave to suck the fudgie dingles out of his asshole. White Oprah is at the top of his list of candidates!

“How We Survived Whoreicane Sienna”

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Balthazar Getty and the mother of his 4 chirruns, Rosetta Getty, are back together and making their marriage work after he publicly took a wild ride on Sienna Miller’s bull dozer vagina back in 2008. In case you didn’t read the Book of Balthazar in Sienna’s homewrecking bible, Balthazar dropped his wife and kids to to join Sienna’s worldwide whore tour for about a year. Sienna made all us shameless skanks proud when she smugly smiled for the paps while grabbing onto Balthazar’s claimed crotch with her titties out. It was a crowning achievement for the homewreckers of the world!

There were rumors that Sienna kept trying to snatch off Balthazar’s wedding band with her claw crane cooch, but he wasn’t interested in getting divorced from Rosetta. Eventually, Sienna went off to another victim and Balthazar was left sitting in the middle of the wreckage with a new itch on his dick lips and loneliness in his heart. So he ran back to his wife who left the door to their house wide open. Balthazar tells Harper’s Bazaar (via Page Six):

“Here’s the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved. But I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work. [Wife] Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try.”

Meaning, Rosetta understands that Getty money is better when you’re still married to a Getty and she saw the light several times while fucking on her own side-pieces while Balthazar passed the peen to Sienna. That’s exactly why Rosetta is throwing a “Yup, I got mine” look in the picture above.

My slut hero Sienna Miller is the real winner here, because she no longer has to wake up to Balthazar’s untamed and malnourished brows every day.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 17th!

September 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Looks like we’re about to see a shogun wedding. – maejones

Runners-up:

The Cream of Sum Yung Gai is almost ready. – jazzfish_77

It’s a reunion of all the workers who were at the Cartoon Convention 9 months ago. – Melinda

Sponge Bob and Gumby have obviously fallen on hard times. I mean, selling their sperm to the Japanese lesbians…what next? – oops i did it

via Break.com

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