Following a show in Taiwan one night, Tom Kaulitz, the 20-year-old guitarist of Tokio Hotel, didn’t really know how to past the time after he finished braiding his hair with the mane of an ebony unicorn. Tom suddenly remembered someone giving him a bunch of Viagra pills, so he decided to play with those. Tom apparently told Bilde (I know, I know) that he pulled a Larry King by swallowing a giant load of Viagra. Actually, I don’t think he totally pulled a Larry King since that zombie mashes his Viagra into a bowl of boiled flies and prune juice.
After several Vs slid down Tom’s throat, he said his peen was as stiff as Kate Gosselin for 2 days straight. Tom said, “I popped a few more pills, probably too many. The next morning my head was pounding and everything in front of my eyes was blurry. It wasn’t fun any more. It was pretty bad. The 60-year-old masseuse that I visited the next day was slightly confused.”
You know, I’m not sure if Tom’s permanent boner had anything to do with Viagra. I think it had something to do with the fact that he’s fucking 20-years-old! We all had boners that refused to sleep when we were 20-years-old! If Tom really wanted to make his boner drop and pass out, he should’ve just pictured Larry King nekkid ass nekkid. Nothing kills an erect dick like imaging Larry’s worm wiggling for a bite. Yes, Larry’s Viagra ways brings you up and picturing him naked brings you down. Full circle.
And speaking of bringing you up, Tom’s ravishing twin brother Bill doesn’t need Viagra to make his pussy pop.
Tom just needs to gaze at a virgin eyeliner pencil…and BOOM! And I think the eyeliner pencil feels the same way.
Legend from The Real World: London
Before Jacinda Barrett became a fancy movie star (not really), she was a cast member on The Real World: London. RW:London is pretty much the Lunesta of all Real Worlds, because every bitch loved each other for the most part. Nobody shit on somebody else’s toothbrush, drowned their prized stuffed animal or tried to rape a bitch. One of the biggest dramas on RW: London was when Jacinda got a fluffy new puppy friend named Legend. Like most puppies, Legend had an asshole that never quit. That hot bitch slobbered puppy diarrhea all over the place, which of course pissed off Jacinda’s housemates. Seriously, don’t you miss the days of the Real World when dog shit was the theme of an entire episode?
After Legend, Legend’s butt nuggets were the most interesting cast member on that show. GO LEGEND! GO LEGEND’S BUTT NUGGETS!
And here’s a picture of Jacinda, her then boyfriend Chris Hardwicke and Legend canoodling a long time ago. It’s obvious that Chris was just using Jacinda to get to Legend. He’s holding her like he’s about to propose or some shit! Legend has a way!
Janet Jackson (44)
Megan Fox (24)
Jim Sturgess (29)
Melanie Lynskey (33)
Tori Spelling (37)
David Boreanaz (41)
Tracey Gold (41)
Tucker Carlson (41)
Mare Winningham (51)
Debra Winger (55)
Pierce Brosnan (57)
Christian Lacroix (59)
Judy Finnigan (63)
Danny Trejo (66)
In case you don’t know already, the equation is: Jonathan Rhys Meyers + airplanes + booze = a fucking disaster! That’s because Radar is saying that STAINS’ favorite staring contest competitor has been banned from United Airlines and is no longer allowed to fly them ever again. Buzz killers.
Officials at United Airlines put JRM on their permanent black list after he got tanked like an Amish teenager and acted like a major asshole when the flight attendants refused to let him board the plane at JFK. Sources say that even though it was early in the morning, JRM swallowed cup after cup of the sweet nectar and slowly became a belligerent wreck.
An employee from United confirmed that JRM is no longer one of their friends, but they wouldn’t give up any details.
This isn’t the first or second time JRM has freaked out on a plane. In 2007, he was arrested for acting like a drunk fool at a Dublin airport. And if you get arrested in Ireland for being a drunk fool then you really must be taking shit to new levels. Beyond WHYDOYOURIDEHIPPOS.
A couple of years later, the French put him into handcuffs when he attacked a bitch at Charles de Gaulle airport. JRM has also tried the rehab thing a few times.
So if one of your dreams is to get punched, slapped or spit on by JRM when he’s in one of his drunken rages, then don’t fly United.
And actually, maybe JRM should stay away from planes from now on. Maybe he should travel by car, bus, train, inner tube or donkey. Hell, I’ll even put on a saddle and take JRM where he needs to go. I would never ban him from my back. I might bite his ass or slap at him, but he’ll always have a place on my back. I should get in line, right?