Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Dominic Deville, the evil clown parents can hire to stalk and terrorize their children as a birthday gift! The perfect gift for parents who hate their kids!

For the chirruns out there who love the movie It so much they want to be in it, there’s a service in Switzerland where their parents can hire Dominic to send out evil text messages and phone calls for 7 days. Dominic warns the kids that they are about to be attacked. On the 7th day, Dominic goes in for the kill and tries to hit the child in the face with a cake. If the child manages to dodge the attack, he gets the cake as a present. If the child has a nervous breakdown and/or stabs Dominic in the groin, then the parents get to go to jail! I made up that last part, but it should really be in the contract.

Dominic says it’s all in good fun and the children actually like being stalked (Dear Pedobear, don’t even think about submitting an application for employment). Dominic tells Metro UK, “The clown will never break into a residence or show up at work. It’s all in fun and if, at any point, the kids get scared or their parents are concerned, we stop right there. But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless.

And no, a visit from Dominic doesn’t come with a coupon book for a lifetime supply of therapy and anti-anxiety meds.

(For M.E.)

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Birthday Sluts

April 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Samantha Fox (44)
Emma Watson (20)
Alice Braga (27)
Seth Rogen (28)
Susan Ward (34)
Jason Sehorn (39)
Dara Torres (43)
Linda Perry (45)
Emma Thompson (51)
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason (63)
Claudia Cardinale (72)
Roy Clark (77)

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Charlie Sheen Is Also A Master Of Excuses

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

InTouch Weekly’s cover story is all about Charlie Sheen’s alleged affair with a lingerie model named Angelina Tracy. Their proof was this picture of Charlie Sheen leaving Angelina’s house in a full-proof disguise! Yes, basically Charlie Sheen is trying to jack everyone off with Vanilla Gorilla’s Hitler stache. We see you.

Anyway, Charlie’s spokeswhore denied the affair and also gave the BEST explanation as to why Charlie was in disguise:

“The woman in question is the sister of one of Sheen’s campmates and Sheen was only responding to a 12th-step call. Since Sheen knew he was being followed and how this would look, he wore the moustache in a tongue-in-cheek disguise gesture.”

HA! If you ever need an excuse, call up Charlie Sheen, because he’s a professional at that shit. If being the highest paid actor on TV doesn’t pan out for him, Charlie should sell excuses. I mean “tongue-in-cheek“? I’m sure his tongue was in her cheeks alright.

Justin Timberlake Is Torturing Jessica Biel

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

According to UsWeekly, Justin Timberlake is maliciously torturing his girlfriend Jessica Biel by flirting with his ex Cameron Diaz on the set of their movie Bad Teacher. And according to me, UsWeekly is maliciously torturing us by using a picture of Cameron Diaz on their cover looking like she’s about to send a dark cloud of locusts after us before retreating into a bottomless pit. But this post is not about that. So just step into a circle of sea salt, and let’s move on…

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Justin Timberlake knows by working with his ex-piece on a movie, he has cut a wound into Jessica Biel’s heart. And apparently, he keeps pissing on that wound by tickling the pepperonis on Cameron’s face. One source said, “He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point. The truth is, I don’t know if they can survive this. There’s lots of laughing, making fun of each other, kidding around off camera. Cameron’s sassy with him — and slick, prancing around in tight clothes.

A different source said that Justin doesn’t “respect” Jessica anymore, and even makes fun of her ass with his friends when she’s not around.

Why does this sound like some shit we’d hear in the quad during morning break while painting each other’s nails with Wite-Out and colored markers? Or if you were that kind of bitch, while sniffing Wite-Out and colored makers.

Jessica is built like Groundskeeper Willie, so if Justin really hurt her feelings, she should just activate her Hulk rage and punch square him in the chocha. It wouldn’t solve anything, but at least she could say she punched Justin in the chocha.

And yes, I’m still holding a crucifix up to that picture of Cameron Diaz while typing with one hand.

True Love Is Dying All Around Us Today

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

First came the news of the demise of Larry King’s marriage, and now People says that Mel Gibson has returned his Russian baby mama Oksana Grigorieva to the gold digging factory from which she came from! We’re all getting dumped today! It’s National Jessica Simpson (or Jennifer Aniston, depending on what your mood is) Day!

Mel and Oksana have only been dating for a little over a year, but apparently they broke up shortly after the birth of their 5-month-old daughter. A source says, “They just drifted apart. They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They’re still friends and they’ll both raise Lucia together.”

You know, Oksana is proving to all gold diggers in training out there that you don’t have to get married to get paid. Pop out the baby, collect your check and be on your way to the next mark. Oksana’s already has Mel Gibson and Timothy Dalton’s pictures on her Wall of Fame, so I wonder who’s next. Gird your sperm, because she’s coming!

Good News For Zombie Chasers! Larry King Is Single Again!

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

If you’re a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man’s zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.

In the divorce papers, Larry blames “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn’t stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin’s blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.

Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.

But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can’t club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer’s still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?

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