Britney Spears Was Audrey Hepburn In A Past Life

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

In the new issue of Out Magazine, Noah Michelson asks Brit Brit Spears who thinks she was in a past life and she answered with: Audrey Hepburn. Never mind that Audrey got her angel wings in 1993 and Brit was born from a Frito-Lay mixing machine in 1981, she’s absolutely right. Audrey and Brit are both the epitome of graceful elegance. Both inspire couturiers to design full fashion collections based on their timeless beauty. Both can finish a bowl of mashed corn fitters with no hands. And both are known for making jokes about how they think their butt just wet autographed their panties with a fart (they didn’t nickname Audrey “My Fart Lady” for nothing). Audrey Hepburn = Britney Spears. Exactly the same!

Here’s a few pieces from the interview (get the whole thing here):

When you were starting out, whose career did you want to mold yours after?
Madonna. No question. She is an amazing entertainer. Besides Madonna, I also admire Sarah Jessica Parker’s career and her shoe collection.

Are there any of your songs that you wish you hadn’t recorded/you don’t really love?
No. All of my songs are f–ing amazing.

How is Femme Fatale different from your other albums?
I think Femme Fatale is my most upbeat and mature album yet.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in a previous life I think I was…
Audrey Hepburn, because she was a trend setter.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in my next life I’d life to be…
A bird, so I can fly.

My idea of hell is…
Being on a diet.

My idea of heaven is…
A trip with my kids.

What is the best advice you’ve gotten and who was it from?
My mom said when you have a bad day, eat ice cream. That’s the best advice.

What is the worst advice a record executive ever told you?
Someone once told me that the “…Baby One More Time” video should be me as a superhero fighting a giant robot monster.

What women (living or dead) could make you think twice about your sexuality?
I only have eyes for men.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
Betty White, because she’s so sweet and innocent.

How do you feel about plastic surgery?
When it’s time to pull and tuck, I’m sure I will consider it.

I first learned about sex…
When I was 12 years old. From my mom. I was confused and disgusted.

Kissing Madonna was…
Cool.

You’ve been married twice — once for only 55 hours. How do you feel about gay marriage?
I think everyone should be treated equally.

Lady Gaga is…
Unique.

Christina Aguilera is…
Truly talented.

The Brit Brit of a couple of years ago would’ve answered every question by saying “Huh?! VENTI!”, so she’s come along way. Actually, I think she did answer every question like that, but Noah is fluent in Cheetonese so he figured it out.

And here’s a few pictures of BS that were built by Photoshop.

Miley Cyrus And Some Kings Of Leon Dude Are Text Dating

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Reading the ingredients on a bottle of Wite-Out is more exciting than this piece of non-news, but let’s do this anyway. Hollywood Life says Miley Cyrus and Jared Followill of Kings of Leon have been texting each other ever since they met at the EMAs last November. Miley is trying to keep Jared interested by not becoming a full blown barebacking sext slut just yet. And Jared keeps texting Miley back, because he’s hoping to fulfill his fantasy of bumping on a creature who talks dirty to him in an itchy scratch voice. Yes, Jared is the one who gets the Freddy Krueger soundboard to say: “Eat this pussy, bitch.”

A friend of Jared’s tells HL, “Miley wants to keep Jared interested. She often sends him coy text messages. So far, he is a big fan of what she has been sending. He’s such a fan, in fact, he’s been bragging to his friends about her texts! “Jared loves showing off his texts from Miley. He thinks she’s very pretty and is excited she’s still flirting with him.”

We can all smell the duck saliva from here, so they should just fast-forward to the inevitable already. Miley will eventually send him a picture of her flashing undertit while making a duckface. Jared will then leak it to The National Enquirer for a little extra pomade money, and they’ll publish it with the text: “MILEY REALLY CAN’T BE TAMED.” On Walter Mercado’s birthday, we’re all future tellers.

And now for my “GET OFF MY LAWN” moment. All these stories about hos spending hours texting each other got me thinking about the old days. I remember when we didn’t have the luxury of texting at our leisure for hours on end. We had to work for our conversations. Kids today just don’t know how hard we had it. I nearly burned my ear off from talking for hours about nothing to my friend while my sister screamed at me for the phone and my mom used the operator to interrupt my call. Oh shit, remember the classic emergency operator interruption? You knew your ass was in trouble when your mom pulled that shit.

I wish I remember the last emergency interruption my mom made so that I could put it in my memory box. I’d put it right next to the memory of me calling my mom collect from a payphone and telling the operator that my name was “Michael Sears.” That way my mom knew to pick me up in front of the Sears at the mall.

The spoiled brats of today need to know that if it wasn’t for us wasting the operator’s time with our stupid tricks, cell phones and call waiting would never exist!

Kat Von D And Vanilla Gorilla’s True Love Continues To Bloom

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

….as do the vomitous bubbles that form on your eyeballs when you see these two together. Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla celebrated her 29th birthday yesterday by partaking in a good old-fashioned photo-op on the roof of a parking garage in Santa Monica, CA. Kat told the paps that she wanted a picture to remember her special day. Kat, who wore Shaggy’s favorite vacation outfit, also wanted to give the tabloids a precious cover picture to tear in two with Photoshop when Vanilla Gorilla’s swastidick gets caught in another trick’s poon. Kat is considerate like that.

And VG is always heiling Hitler with his entire body. Like he’s as stiff as a rigamortized dick. I bet that VG killed the “stiff as a board” part during the “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” game.

The DC Heidi Montag Kicked Out Of Celebrity Rehab

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

If you’ve been an extra on a basic cable reality show and may or may not have an addiction to huffing anise seeds in the afternoon, Dr. Drew will gladly stamp “CELEBRITY DRUGGIE” on your forehead and check you into Celebrity Rehab! So it really takes a lot for Dr. Drew to put a bitch out on the curb for not having an addiction that needs treating. TMZ reports that The Real Housewives of DC’s Michaele Salahi crashed Celebrity Rehab and was thrown out after the staff determined that she didn’t need to be there. I guess continuously humping on fame, bottles of peroxide and UV bulbs doesn’t count as a serious addiction. Okay. VH1 pushed out this statement to E! News:

“The treatment program that Celebrity Rehab documents is intended for individuals with serious substance abuse and addiction issues,” VH1 said in a statement to E! News. “Prior to the taping of the current season, producers were advised that Michaele Salahi met the criteria to be treated in this setting. However, professional assessments spanning from that time to the present, found that she did not meet such criteria. As a result, she is no longer participating in the program.”

Michaele’s slimy shit ball of a husband, Tareq Salahi, says his wife never told producers she had an addiction and only went on Celebrity Rehab so that Dr. Drew could treat the Multiple Sclerosis disease she claims she suffers from (cut to Annette Funicello’s let me see your medical file” side-eye of skepticism).

Tareq’s bull anus mouth blurted this out to Radar: “She was really leaning on Dr. Drew who is a respected doctor to get her through some of the issues after the White House, when she went to Congress, when she went into relapse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She takes this very seriously. My wife takes her health situation very seriously, she has a real diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You know, we can show you a bunch of emails about what they wanted her to pretend to be, therefore, but that’s going to come out later on with one of the major networks.

Yes, this bleached pony’s ass takes her Multiple Sclerosis so seriously that she’s seeking treatment for it from a doctor who has never treated Multiple Sclerosis before. It’s like asking your court-appointed therapist to take a look at the warts on your urethra. These leach skanks need to come up with better excuses for their fame whoring ways. But ultimately, I blame Dr. Drew for this because he’s been throwing out the celebrity from “celebrity” since 2008.

Warlock Charlie Delivers His Final Sheen’s Korner Rant

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen washed the layers of grease out of his hair with Palmolive, changed into another product placement shirt and got better lighting for what he said is his fourth and final episode of Sheen’s Korner. I just watched Charlie’s cracked out State of the Union and it felt like I hacked into someone’s World of Warcraft game. This is the kind of poetry I just don’t understand. It’s as if Shakespeare freebased opium on a tin spoon while writing Macbeth. At one point, I expected Charlie to drop to his knees and scrub at his hands while reciting the line: “Out, damn’d spot! Out, I SAY!” If the whole “making everyone’s brains say HUH?” thing doesn’t work out for Charlie, he should perform a one-crackie version of Macbeth on the subway platform. That’s his calling.

Charlie goes after the same usual troll suspects including Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and CBS head Les Moonves (or Goonves as Charlie has dubbed him). Charlie has this to say about Chuck: “Hi ya Chuck-E-Cheese ball. Where ya hiding silly clown? Behind your narcissism, your greed, your hatred of yourself or women? Which personality are you cowering beneath for transparent cover? I see you you little worm. I see you behind your plastic smile, your bitchy pout and your desperate need to be liked. Forget love, that ship sailed when you were born. To use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans shit brain. and the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempted to trade out for this warlock. Think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments. All alone in the world, staring into the mirror, your least favorite activity. Think of me as you pray to the silly God of AA.”

See what I mean? The Queen’s English has been dipped in crazy sauce. I swear, that’s the kind of melodramatic theatrical monologue you usually only see at the Renaissance Faire. Charlie should’ve stuck roses in our cleavage and served turkey drumsticks before giving his speech.

Radar has the entire transcript if you need a riveting monologue to perform in front of your community college theater class today.

In other Chronicles of Tiger Blood news, People says that Charlie’s twin boys have no idea that their father now has the sanity of a bat’s diaper. Charlie has also called Jon Cryer atroll and a turncoat” and admits to Life & Style that he’s losing his mind. Yes, LOST! Even though Charlie’s mind is already plastered on a milk carton and an amber alert has been issued, let’s just let him believe that.

And can we go back to talking about cow farts instead?

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 8th!

March 9, 2011 / Posted by:

After a contentious strike, the new contract cut uniform costs and eliminated two 15 minute bathroom breaks – P.T.Bull

Runners-up:

Jon Gosselin rocks his new Ed Hardy uniform for his next career as a traffic cop. – silvmartin

Vanilla Gorilla’s special wedding night attire will give Kat a sieg heil she’ll never forget. – Detective_LaToya

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