RiRi Is Teaching Our Children The Most Important Words In The English Language

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Whoever said RiRi isn’t the kind of role model you want kids today to look up to, need to spend a little time with these pictures of her posing with a bunch of chirruns outside of a restaurant in NYC last night. While the Ronald McDonald bukkake on her head says “Fuck My Life”, the necklace around her neck says “fuck you.” Now that is a lesson plan I can get behind.

Most parents want to do the honor of teaching their children the only words they will need in life, but I’m sure they didn’t mind their kids learning from RiRi. And I’m also sure that these kids’ teachers will be so proud when they bring this mess of a picture in for show and tell. Those teachers are going to need a bigger gold star!

And I’m sure that RiRi’s rep will say that she thought her necklace meant “rebellious flower” in Dutch.

Here’s a few more pictures of Teacher RiRi with our nation’s youth last night and also of her leaving her hotel this morning with Argie Cherries’ freshly scalped mane on her head.

Sebastian Bach’s Still Got It

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

The ghost of Taylor Momsen’s future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I’m into it.

The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an “If I can’t have you, nobody can!” and threw it at the front door. That’s when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian’s pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.

All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho’s hand, Sebastian would’ve wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you’re Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.

Like Papa Joe Is Going To Let This Happen

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Papa Joe knows that Jessica Simpson’s marriage to that Eric Johnson dude is going to last about as long a red velvet whoopie pie in front of her face, which is why he used Flex Pay to buy the cheapest ruby, diamond and yellow gold engagement ring on HSN. This is also why there’s no way he’s going to let her exchange vows with Eric without slipping a money condom (aka a prenup) over their marriage first.

Popeater says that Jessica’s basic ass believes that the fart bubble enveloping their love will never pop, so she’s not going to ask Eric to sign a prenup. Jessica didn’t do it with Nick Lachey and his ass sashayed away with $10 million between his succulent man chichis. But a source says that as her manager Papa Joe gets 10% of Jessica’s $100 million fortune and so he’s not going to let Eric Johnson mess with his money. The source went on to say, “At the moment, Joe is sitting back and being a great father, supporting his daughter and his future son-in-law. However, you can bet after all the excitement has died down, Joe is going to do everything in his power to make sure Jessica doesn’t walk down the aisle until Eric signs away any right he might have to Jessica’s enormous fortune.

Eric barely finalized his divorce from his wife of 5 years a quick minute ago and he’s only been nibbling on Jessica’s coochieronies for a few months.

When Papa Joe’s eyeballs aren’t awkwardly glued to Chestica’s chesticles, they’re glued to her checking account. He’s going to do whatever it takes to get Jessica to sign a prenup, even if it means getting seriously serious. Papa is going to sit Jessica down and lay 10 Twinkies out on the table. Then he’s going to tell her that if Eric files for divorce after realizing that he can no longer deal with her burping into his b-hole during a salad tossing, he could take up to 5 of her 10 Twinkies in a settlement. That will set her right! When all else fails, bring Twinkies into it!

Mel Admits To Slapping OctoSana In The Face

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

While spitting out his declaration in the NEVERDAMNENDING custody battle with his former beautiful little communist Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson said that he never brought his Passion of the Fist on the OctoSana’s mouth hole on the night of January 6, 2010. No, he just slapped the hysteria out of her. Okay.

OctoSana claimed that during a battle of words at his house, Mad Mel dipped his fist in holy water and punched the sign of the cross into her face, which broke two of her teefs and caused her to bleed. But according to Mel, blood was never shed and he never put a stanky punch on her face. This is what Mel says happened that night:

1. Mel and OctoSana were in the middle of throwing verbal grenades at each other when she grabbed their Baby Lucia out of the crib and shouted, “Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!”

2. Then for some reason, OctoSana’s crazy ass ran into the backyard with Baby Lucia in her arms. Mel says that OctoSana was running all over the place like a tongue trying to escape his dick. Mel’s backyard has more splits and levels than his personality, so he was afraid that OctoSana might fall or slip and injure their baby.

3. When OctoSana ran back inside of the house, she started swinging back and forth. Mel was afraid that she’d scramble their baby’s brains with all that swinging, so he slapped the sense into her with an open hand. Mel says, “While I do not believe I handled the situation as well as I should have, I was worried about the rough way Oksana was shaking and tossing Lucia around. My hand never touched any part of Lucia.”

Mel says that he didn’t make her bleed and he didn’t find out until later that he knocked one of her veneers out.

This is basically some “Crazy said, CRAZIER said” shit. Octo claims Mel slapped their baby while he punched her in the face. And Mel claims that Octo whisked Baby Lucia’s brain cells by shaking her. So, either way the equation ends the same way: Baby Lucia is every layer of fucked. Hmm. I wonder if Mel’s beaver puppet is interested in filing for custody of her?

via TMZ

James Blunt Saved The World!!

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Thanks to James Blunt, high school students of the world don’t have to snort low-grade speed and freebase Amp to stay up all night to cram for a test on ANOTHER World War. You see, James Mustsmokealotofblunts says that he stopped World War 3 from happening by refusing to attack Russian troops while serving the British army in Kosovo!!!! Yup, someone has been taking extra bong hits while playing Call of Duty on Xbox Live.

James told the story to BBC Radio 5Live (via Digital Spy) while promoting his new album.

“I was given the direct command to overpower the 200 or so Russians who were there. The direct command [that] came in from General Wesley Clark was to overpower them. And if we had a foothold there then it would make life much easier for the NATO forces in Pristina. So there was a political reason to take hold of this. And the practical consequences of that political reason would be then aggression against the Russians.”

When they asked James of he thinks taking the order would’ve ignited the start of WORLD WAR 3, his ass said this shit with a straight face: “Absolutely. And that’s why we were querying our instruction from an American general. Fortunately, up on the radio came General Mike Jackson, whose exact words at the time were, ‘I’m not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3’.

I hate to disagree with a war hero, but General Michael Jackson’s exact words at the time were, “I’m not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting World War 3, EEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEE!

And James Blunt might have stopped the world from getting bombed, but his ass went on to throw a giant bomb of destruction into our ear trenches.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 12th!

November 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Suck it Gretchen!! It’s not just the polkadot dress, Mondo has also designed a full line of birthing outfits for Heidi Klum’s next pregnancy. – Ashton Cruz

Runners-up:

Masturbation: Because a bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush. – Sluttsville

After hatching fourteen chicks, OctoHen received collagen injections to make her beek look like Angelina Jolie’s – all in an effort to land a reality show. – dfanintheD

German Sesame Street prepares for their “Extra Special Katy Perry Variety Hour” – ritzyroxie

via Picture is Unrelated

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