This Again

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Two seconds ago, Amy Wino’s goddaughter went around saying that the former Crackie of Camden would rather eat an organic apple while sipping on natural spring water than go back to Blaaaaake. Well, now Blaaaaake is saying that not only is he back to bump & bumping with Wino, but they are making plans to marry each other for a second time and start a family. A family of what you ask? Blaaake says a family of BABIES!!!

All the storks in the world just dropped the fuck DEAD! Do not resuscitate.

Blaaaaake picked the scabs off of his lips and told The Sun, “Amy and I have talked about getting married again and starting a family. We both definitely want kids. This time we’re doing things properly and hopefully that will help both our families come round to the idea. We’re free of drugs and we’re more responsible now.

Coming off heroin was hell. I’ve been through a year of intensive rehab, I’m 100 per cent clean and I plan to stay clean. I’m not going to let anyone down. Amy said, ‘You inspire me’. She’s proud of me for staying off drugs, and she’s determined to do the same.

She’s been wanting to see me but was too scared to do anything to upset her dad.Amy only came at the last minute because Mitch was on holiday and she could get away without anyone interfering. Mitch controls most of Amy’s life still. I’m fed up with people trying to tear us apart. The only reason me and Amy want to be together is because we love each other.”

Blaaaake also put his hand on his favorite crack pipe and swore that things will be different this time. He plans to get a job and then get a place of his own in London before sealing the deal with Wino.

This is Mitch Wino’s cue to throw Wino in a FedEx box and ship her back to St. Lucia. Yes, she spent her days smoking banana leaves and snatching drinks from tourists, but she was still better off. Bitch needs island dick again in a bad way.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Angelina Marcantognini, officially Canada’s Worst Driver!

Over in Canada, they have this show on the Discovery channel that searches for bitches who have no business even looking at a car, let alone getting behind the wheel of one. Bitches shouldn’t even be playing with Micro Machines! That’s how seriously wrong they are as drivers. And Angelina, the peroxide blonde beauty with the frosty lips of an 80s Barbie, won/loss the top prize! Angelina proved that her drivers license should be shredded and she should be banned from driving ANYTHING (even a shopping cart). That’s fine, because someone so precious and beautiful shouldn’t be driving themselves anyway. They should be chauffeured around town in a crystal ball.

Here’s Angelina’s driving bio:

* Employed as a “Stay-at-home Girlfriend”
* Has only had license since October 2008
* Has never pumped her own gas
* Caused major damage to the side of a rental car, then lied about it
* Has had at least two other minor fender-benders
* Permanently keeps rear-view mirror pointed at her
* Needs to improve so she can drive her niece and nephew around, which for the time being is not

And finally, here’s Angelina’s new life-motto:

Yeah, I don’t know either.

(For Mastermind)

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Birthday Sluts

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Jake Gyllenhaal (29)
Lady Sovereign (24)
Marla Sokoloff (29)
Alyssa Milano (37)
Amy Locane (38)
Liz Cho (38)
Tyson Beckford (39)
Kristy Swanson (40)
Criss Angel (42)
Jennifer Beals (46)
Til Schweiger (46)
Tim Reid (65)
Cicely Tyson (76)

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Gis & Tom Named Their Baby

December 18, 2009 / Posted by:

Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady brought home one those baby things last week, but they didn’t settle on a name until recently. Tom told a bunch of reporters that Gis couldn’t make up her mind.

Well, Gis finally decided what name to write down on the birth certificate and it is (cue anticlimactic drum roll)….Benjamin Brady! Yeah, after all that and she comes up with some BENJAMIN BRADY’S shit.

Gis probably doesn’t know this yet, but that name is meant to be pronounced in a terrible Southern accent (ala Cate Blanchett). Like this: Beeeeeeeenjahmun Braaaaaydeh. I don’t know if that’s what Gis was going for, but that’s how I read it. Hopefully, Benjamin Brady doesn’t have a face like Pepaw Baby Pitt.

via UsWeekly

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Why?

December 18, 2009 / Posted by:

People don’t invite me to see performance art anymore, because I embarrass them by either laughing until my palm is full of saliva, or crying until my palm is full of saliva. Basically, I end up with a palm full of saliva in a room filled with clothed people who are trying to have a serious moment. That’s not a good combination.

You can guess what emotion I went through while watching the video above. I’ll let these key words serve as a hint: Hannah Montana towel, ginger, doody-looking chocolate (or is it chocolate-looking doody?), plastic roses, bat wing hoodie, and candles.

I thought I was already mentally unstable, but this drove me over the edge without a parachute. Someone needs to be jailed for this. I nominate Billy Ray.

This is the confirmation of confirmations that gingers are having the worst month ever. It’s also the confirmation of confirmations that the Internet is having the worst life ever.

via Videogum

Carrot Top Will Keep You Warm

December 18, 2009 / Posted by:

If you’ve got a chill in your butt bones, simply warm them up on this tantalizing picture of Carrot Top. And if your nalgas don’t get as toasty as one of Paris Hilton’s crotch warts, there’s a good chance they will go numb from being exposed to THAT FACE. Either way, you beat the chill!

Anyway, here’s more of Bronzer Bottom with some ho ho hos at a screening for Avatar in Las Vegas yesterday. Do you think that while watching Avatar Carrot Top realized that those blue creaturelings look more human and life-like than he does?

And just for the record, I still would. Shameful.

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