Damn, Ben Affleck looks tense. Either he’s trying really hard not to look back at the nanny, or he’s the type of guy who immediately goes into flex mode when he notices that someone is looking at him. My guess is: both. But it could also be because he’s getting frustrated that a lot of his conversations with Jennifer Garner begin with “Hey, so…about that divorce.”

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It’s too bad The Hollywood Reporter couldn’t secure Jessica Fletcher, who is obviously the number-one spot on that 25 Power Authors list, for a cover shoot. Since she’s too busy solving murders on the east coast to pose for pictures, they got the next best thing, which is apparently The Girl on the Train author Paula Hawkins and Emily Blunt. Emily stars in the film adaptation of The Girl on the Train. I haven’t read the book, but I did watch the trailer. Emily’s character Rachel is an always-drunk who can’t stop stalking her ex-husband and maybe might have murdered someone. Some might describe her character as “unlikable.” But don’t call her that around Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt hates that word.

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Well, if it isn’t the Star Spangled Bang-her. – AnnoBanano

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Pic: Uber Humor

Mackarel Jordan!

Mackarel Jordan must’ve come from the waters off of Japan because pure potent 100% fuckery fills his fish veins. Mackarel Jordan is a character from a sports entertainment company called ZOOperstars! and he’s been working games and the halftime circuit in America for years. Mackarel Jordan must’ve gotten a craving for some British meat, because over the weekend, he entertained the crowd during a football game between Derby County and Blackburn Rovers at iPro Stadium in Derby, England.

Mackarel Jordan’s thing is that he plays on the field with a human for a bit and once he gains that poor bitch’s trust, he runs up, opens up his gaping fish hole, eats them, chews on them for a bit and then barfs them up, leaving them half-naked, confused and scared. Angelina Jolie really doesn’t have anything on this mega man eater. I haven’t seen a hot trick gobble up that much man since the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape.

An incredible halftime show at Derby County v Blackburn Rovers in the Championship. ? pic.twitter.com/AlX6QCpuJY

— TheFootballCommunity (@Footy_Community) September 25, 2016

And it’s a damn shame that Mackarel Jordan isn’t a giant superstar. I mean, his act has everything: drama, suspense, inflatable fish and a half-naked man!

via Mashable

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Pic: Instagram

Taylor Swift took her new Dollar Tree Ann Jillian hair to dinner with Cara Delawhatever last night, and as that was happening Kanye West was performing in Nashville where he did the song Famous three times as the audience shouted “Fuck Taylor Swift!” Taylor probably heard about it at dinner and then ordered the most expensive bottle of champagne to pre-celebrate her team of lawyers successfully suing Kanye for a percentage of his tour sales since he’s using her name to bring more attention to it – Lainey Gossip

Dr. Howard Dean isn’t backing down from his “cokehead” theory about Donald Trump. As much as I love him for that, he better watch it before the coke cartels sue him for slandering their product by insinuating that it makes you say the stupid kind of shit that Trump says – Celebitchy

Poor Pepe the Frog – Drunken Stepfather

Amber Rose is getting paid $8 million to talk about fucking. Where did I go wrong in life? – Reality Tea 

Sabrina the Teenage Witch has joined Gary Johnson’s presidential campaign. Okay, but who is Salem endorsing?  – The Superficial

Semi-Panty Creamer of the Day: John Stamos and Chad from Scream Queens got oiled-up to do a shower scene together. This would’ve been a full Panty Creamer moment if there was at least some ass in it – Towleroad

But someone who did deliver some ass was that hot math teacher – OMG Blog

Joanna Krupa’s nipple knobs look like butterscotch drops in that tank top – The Nip Slip 

That Spider-Boy costume looks like it came from Party City – Popoholic

Shit, most Americans can’t pronounce Massachusetts – Hollywood Tuna

Today I learned two new things: 1. Jenna Elfman has a new show. 2. That new show is probably not going to last for long – SOW

Mickey Rourke challenged Usain Bolt to a race, and yeah, he probably lost hard, but I bet his glorious wig stayed on the entire time – Pajiba

Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump looks more like a duckface-making Papa Joe – Just Jared

Oh, it’s all fun and fashion until your nipples come off with the tape – Egotastic! 

Scott Eastwood and Charlotte McKinney are still humping – Popsugar

Pic: Splash