Yeah, I know Mischa Barton always looks like if a naked crackhead clothed themselves in the dead of night using children’s clothes found in a Salvation Army donation bin, but damn. Mischa, whose foolery grows stronger with every click of a camera, stumbled through Nice Airport this morning with all eyes on her. The eyes weren’t dazzled from being in the presence of Marissa Cooper. No, they were wondering what kind of ho would voluntarily do themselves up to look like a tweaked out Arthur the Aardvark who has fallen on hard times (and a few hard meth needles) and is now working as a third-tier Where’s Waldo impersonator. They didn’t see a gun pointed at Mischa’s head so they were a little confused.
And now that another game of “Where’s Mischa?” is over, we can continue to play a never-ending game of “Where’s Mischa’s Career?”
Katy Perry is about to yodel while shooting sparkler flames out of her tits all over the country, but before she can do that she has a few things she’d like to go over with concert promoters. Katy Perry’s 45-page rider, snatched from The Smoking Gun, has been making the rounds and it tells us what makes Katy smile with her mouth and what makes Katy frown with her mouth. Basically, Katy loves orchids, presidential suites, egg chairs, Huggies baby wipes (insert obligatory Terrence Howard smile here), refrigerators with glass doors and freeze dried strawberry. Katy hates carnations and chatty drivers with staring problems. You can read the Cliff Note’s version here, but below are the highlights.
1. While Lady Caca requests a plastic egg to recharge her ego in, Katy Perry wants two egg chairs and one footstool. IN CREAM! If cream is not available for whatever reason, then it’s okay to get white and paint them with the blended skin of a cream colored employee.
2. Katy would like a fresh flower bouquet in her dressing room. You know, just throw some white and pink hydrangeas in a crystal vase filled with a few peonies, roses and orchids. But whatever you do, do not throw carnations in there. NOOOOOOO CARNATIONS! If Katy sees the glimpse of a carnation, she will run out into her prized rose garden and whack the bushes with shears while screaming at the top of her everything. Then the show will be canceled and thousands of young fans will shrivel into dead carnation petals. So don’t do it! By the way, in my rider, I’d request a bouquet of Anderson Cooper’s dirty panties. NO DIRTY SHEPARD SMITH PANTIES. Only Anderson Cooper!
3. Katy will only rest her face on a pillow in 5-star presidential suite. If only a 4-star vice-presidential suite is available, then you better stop reading this and start building a 5-star presidential suite.
4. Katy’s manager has the right to withhold the sale of a block of tickets. Katy’s manager can then sell those block of tickets to a reseller and pocket the profits.
5. Lastly, Katy has 23 rules for her driver, which includes keeping his cell phone ringer turned off, no talking to her or her fans, no staring at her through the rear-view mirror, no asking for autographs and no leaving the driver’s seat unless asked.
About the driver thing… Most people I know roll their eyes and huff out a breath of annoyance whenever a cab driver starts spilling out his life story and shit to them. Sometimes I’m like that, but then I think about all the good stories I’ve heard from cab drivers.
Like this one time, I was coming back from the airport after the worst flight ever and the only thing my ears wanted to do was sleep. I did not want to hear words coming out of anybody. And of course, when you want something, the opposite happens. The cab driver started talking and talking and talking… Just as I was about to lose it, he told me about how he thinks his wife is down low dicking his neighbor. He thought this, because the neighbor’s dog had a thing for his wife’s crotch. The dog would always greet her by sniffing on her goods. He believed that while she was fucking the neighbor, her vagina fumes made their way into the dog’s nostrils and it now craved the scent. Dude actually said, “The dog is on my side.” That story brought me back to life.
To think, if I gave him a rider with a “no talking” rule on it, he would’ve punched me out, left me on the curb and I would’ve never heard about the Joey Greco of dogs.
The rats of London are aimlessly wandering the streets today, wondering whose ears they will nibble cheese out of in the middle of the morning now that their all-you-can-eat buffet Pete Doherty has been sent to the chokey for six long months! Never mind the rats, whose whiskey veins are alcoholic mosquitoes going to suckle on when they need an always reliable buzz?! And what about the bed bugs who holiday in the pools of grease on Dreamboat’s scalp? The future of London’s entire ecosystem is at stake here!
But a judge didn’t care about that this morning when the gavel was brought down and Dreamy was sentenced to six months. I suppose Dreamy had it coming since he pleaded guilty to cocaine possession last month. The bobbies (just let me call them bobbies, okay) charged Dreamy with holding the bad shit after Robin Whitehead, a filmmaker working with him, died of an overdose in her apartment. Dreamy apparently gave her the shit that pushed her way over the edge. In court this morning, Dreamy said he was sad about her death.
This is the third time Dreamy has been jailed for drug shit.
Well, the least thing prison officials can do is to provide Dreamy with tubes of creamed coffee grounds and alley cat bile to keep his teeth as yellow as the butter lube Paula Deen slathers all over her cream pies. Dreamy without yallaw teefs is like the sun without shine.
via BBC News
Despite the success of his brother Lance, Owen Armstrong’s campaign, Live Strange, never caught on. – rocknrollcracks
Wow, Nick Cannon’s sperm really got in shape for there journey to Mariah’s Hello Kitty vagina. – Tex-Bro
Full cat face, Pop tart shield, rainbow flying out of his rear, and bicycling? This is exactly what I thought rapture would be like. – debraddm
via The Daily What
The Two Greek Peenanists from Greece’s Got Talent!
Tickling the ivory keys with the tool you use to pee is nothing new, but these two hot pieces deserve some recognition for doing it on Greek TV. The more piano playing penises on TV, the better! As a judging panel which includes Roberto Cavalli’s long-lost twin brother separated at the tanning incubator watched with open mouths (and other body parts), the two dudes dropped their pants and fucked the music right out of that piano.
Yes, I’m sure it’s a player piano or a much more talented woman is playing a piano with her clit offstage, but who cares! They have given me the image of two Greek dick tips dancing on piano keys and that’s enough for me to give ’em three Os in a fucking row. But enough talk, here’s the Greek peenanists making Liberace’s recurring wet dream come true:
If you’re thinking of booking a ticket to Greece to work as a human piano player, then I’m already one step ahead of you. And yes, that one step is painting piano keys on my no-no with Wite-Out.
Naturi Naughton (27)
Chad Muska (34)
Busta Rhymes (39)
Timothy Olyphant (43)
Mindy Cohn (45)
Gina Ravera (45)
Ted Allen (46)
Tony Goldwyn (51)
Bronson Pinchot (52)
Judy Kuhn (53)
Jane Wiedlin (53)
Cindy McCain (57)
David Paterson (57)
Dave Thomas (62)
Joe Cocker (67)
Constance Towers (77)