If the Evil Queen from Snow White and Vera Wang’s Glam Princess perfume bottle got tangled up in an Ed Hardy sweatshirt, it would look something like that. But it’s the sentiment (and Tweet) that counts…right?
Gerard Butler can remove Warren Beatty’s head shot from his “wall of idols,” because Warren is shaking his head “no” to a claim that he once ate vagina for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all his snacks. A new book out this week called “Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America” claims that 72-year-old Warren got sexy with around 12,775 women.
The book’s author, Peter Biskind, used his fourth grade education to come up with that number. He wrote, “Using simple arithmetic, Warren slept 12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.”
Wait. DRIVE-BY-FUCKING?! Warren might be pimp of the millennium if he’s able to fornicate with a ho while he’s in his car and she’s sitting on her porch knitting mittens.
Warren’s lawyer immediately issued a statement to HuffPo denouncing this shit as just a bunch of lies. According to him, the odometer on Warren’s dick does not read 12, 775. Warren’s lawyer said, “Mr. Biskind’s tedious and boring book on Mr. Beatty was not authorized by Mr. Beatty and should not be published as an authorized biography. “It contains many false assertions and purportedly quotes Mr. Beatty as saying things he never said. Other media should not repeat things from the book on the assumption that they are true or that the book is an authorized biography.”
For shits and tingles, let’s pretend this is true and Warren’s number really is 12,775. Let’s also say that Warren turned his v-card in when he was 15. And we’ll assume that Warren retired his fuck game in 1992 when he married Annette Bening. Based on that, Warren allegedly went through 319.3 vaginas a year for 40 years. And if Warren didn’t hang up his penis in 1992, his number drops to 224.1 a year. Basically, Warren probably slept with your mom. That might explain why she has to “excuse herself to use the bathroom” every time Heaven Can Wait comes on TV.
Last week, Radar made everyone throw their TVs in the dumpster after they reported that legendary Zelda Rubinstein (Tangina in Poltergeist and Madame Serena in Teen Witch) was beginning the long sashay towards the light. A friend said that 76-year-old Zelda had been on life support at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for about a month after two of her lungs and kidneys failed. The friend added that she was taken off life support and it was only a matter of time before 2009 claimed another victim. But a different friend tells Moviehole that everyone needs to stick their assholes in a bowl of ice water and stop being so dramatic, because it’s not as bad as it seems.
The friend said, “She’s OK. Vitals are good. She’s apparently doing better. Internet sources exaggerated the story.”
2010 brought her back to life! YES! Or maybe Zelda kicked 2009 in the dick and wouldn’t let it take her. Not this time.
This house is definitely fucking clean. For now.
A microscopic view of the H1N1 Virus – justinbobby
The dumb bitch thought the doctor said to put oinkment on her herp lesions.- OurMissC
Six degrees of Paris and bacon. – Plecostomus
Another fake lesbian coupling. When David Beckham sees this he aint gonna be over the moon – El Bastardo
via Daily Mail
Namata, Norway’s King of R&B (I’ll get back to you on what the R or B actually stands for)
Some of you might have already slipped (AND FALLEN) into Namata’s smooth rhythms, but for those of you that haven’t, grab a Neti Pot and get into this. All your sinuses will get clogged up as soon as you the hit the “play” button on his video for “Treasure In You (A Date Rape Anthem).” You know, I was really searching for a musical interpretation of R. Kelly’s sex tape golden shower scene and I think I’ve finally found it in this shit!
Namata has the face of Flavor Flav’s foot, the voice of Flavor Flav’s asshole and the moves of Flavor Flav’s penis (without Viagra). If this whole, “King of R&B” thing doesn’t work out for Namata, I’m sure there’s a paraplegic drill team in Norway that could use his choreography skills.
The background singer gets an honorable Hot Slut mention. Although, I don’t know if she’s singing or hollering out the window for the police.
And in case you need more Namata to get you through the day, here you go:
Erin Cahill (30)
Julia Ormond (45)
Beth Gibbons of Portishead (45)
Dave Foley (47)
Till Lindemann (47)
Patrick Cassidy (48)
Michael Stipe (50)
Julian Sands (52)
Patty Loveless (53)
Tina Knowles (56)
Dyan Cannon (73)