This is a new portrait of Lisa Bonet’s current fuck time partner Jason Momoa in the remake of Conan the Barbarian, which also stars Rose McGowan and Ron Perlman (aka the red wire and blue wire on a bomb).
You know, every time someone Googles “Jason Momoa shirtless” a satellite in space sends a jolt to my b-hole, so why am I not flicking my nipples to this picture of him? There he is, topless and flexing his BT (before Tweezers) brows, but not a tingle can be found on my body.
I know what it is. It’s that scraggly weave on his head made from the remnants in Brit Brit’s shower drain. That weave is cock blocking me! I realize that they didn’t have Sally Beauty Supplies back in the day to buy shampoo from, but damn! The grease is supposed to go over his nipples, not in his weave! Arnold knows what I’m talking about:
via Coming Soon
Another relationship that was born in ABC’s bowels and pushed out of their asshole has been flushed down the toilet for good. Since the love affair I’m about to start with this Pop Tart sitting next to me will last longer than most Bachelor relationships, this is the direct opposite of surprising. But since pretending is fun, add another drop of butter to your cream cheese bagel (I know how you do) and just tell yourself you’re drowning your sorrows in melted fat. I mean, you might as well get something out of this shit.
People confirms that Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi of the most recent season of The Bachelor have quit each other. A spokeswhore didn’t give a reason for the break up, but they said this: “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time.”
When Jake got on one knee and proposed to Vienna Sausage during the season finale of The Bachelor, I punched myself in the face for actually watching that fake shit. And then I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before Vienna Sausage was pawning that ring off in a shop off the highway in Florida somewhere so that she could use the cash to pay for her third nose rotation. While I do think it’s a good idea that she sell that shit right away, bitch needs to use that money to fix her jacked-up wonk eyes instead of getting more plastic surgery.
Seriously, the Haylie Duff of Florida looks like an alley mutt with two little hot dogs dangling before her. One eye is trying to focus on the hot dog on the right, and the other is trying to eat up the one on the left. No wonder these two lasted as long as they did. Vienna couldn’t clearly see him checking out other pieces of ass.
Caught on film: Jessica Simpson’s last two brain cells fighting for air. – ISprainedMyUvula
While the rest of the world focuses on separating conjoined twins, leave it to the Chinese to invest millions of dollars for research into Twin Fusion, hoping it would help solve their overpopulation problem. – VirtualBooby
Today’s match sponsored by the letter H as in Hyperextension, Hernia, Headache and where the Hell are your Huevos – Sweetas
Kirstie Alley in the fight of her life for the last Oreo. – lifeislikecake
Diego, the disfigured pony who is in danger of being sent off to the glue factory if he doesn’t have an operation on his face!
When the Daily Mail isn’t drawing large red circles around the curds and whey on celebrity thighs, they are bringing us animal stories that will make you feel actual feelings. You know, it’s that sensation you get in your heart when the bartender yells “Last call!” So drink up, because this could be Diego’s last call (insert a picture of a disfigured pony sad face or a picture of Trace Cyrus frowning here).
6-year-old Maddison Biddlecombe (yes, she’s a Beatrix Potter character) is trying to raise £4,000 to save her bestest friend in the world, a disfigured pony named Diego! You see, a bunch of evil bitches who have hearts made of charred diarrhea are telling Maddison’s family to put Diego down. But Maddison has cried to her parents that even if they turn Diego into Elmer’s, the glue still won’t be strong enough to mend together the pieces of her broken heart. So the family is trying to put together the money to pay for Diego’s operation. Diego might have problems grazing when he gets older, but the family hopes all of his issues will be cured with surgery.
SAVE DIEGO! Seriously, Sarah Jessica Parker, Gary Busey and Tori Spelling better be huddled around a barn somewhere planning a telethon to save one of their own! Better yet, Maddison and Diego should sell their life story to the Hallmark Channel to turn it into a movie of the week. Gary Busey, this is your comeback role!
Cyndi Lauper (57)
Jai Rodriguez (31)
Donald Faison (36)
Lecy Goronsan (36)
Carson Daly (37)
Mary Lynn Rajskub (39)
Emmanuelle Seigner (44)
Amy Brenneman (46)
Erin Brockovich (50)
Tracy Pollan (50)
Bruce Campbell (52)
Meryl Streep (61)
Lindsay Wagner (61)
Klaus Maria Brandauer (66)
Michael Lerner (69)
Kris Kristofferson (74)