St. Angie Hates Thanksgiving

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

Popeater says that this Thanksgiving, St. Angie will gather her child army in a circle and recite Christina Ricci’s “thanks for letting all us white people kill the Indians and steal their tribal land” speech from The Ice Storm instead of giving them a turkey dinner. Brad Pitt might have told Extra that his family is going to “whip up a turkey” somewhere, but Popeater’s sources say that St. Angie wants nothing to do with it! So take off that pilgrim costume and pull the chosen ones out of that cornucopia, Maddox, because Thanksgiving is CANCELED!

One of Brangelina’s friends explain, “Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans. To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style. She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder. Angelina gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday.”

But that know-it-all bitch Wikipedia tells me that the reason why I shove my head in a bowl of cranberries and rinse out my face with pumpkin pie vodka is because it’s how I give thanks for a bountiful liquor cabinet, or something like that.

But really, the real reason St. Angie hates Thanksgiving is because she doesn’t appreciate everybody at the table screaming “Pass the mashed potatoes, gravy, pie, biscuits, yams, buttermilk to ANGIE!!!” And she also doesn’t appreciate her kids throwing her judgmental side-eyes when she feasts on wisps of air while they devour turkey legs. So if Maddox keeps his eyes down, Thanksgiving will be restored again!

They Don’t Call Him Johnny Rotten For Nothing

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

File this under: THE STORY OF THE YEAR! Jay Kay of Jamiroquai and Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols were sitting next to each other in business class on a flight to Australia when shit went down. Or should I say, when shit went out in cloud form. Jay Kay tells The Sun that the foul, dirty, disgusting, throat-choking, lash-singe-ing farts that came out of Johnny Rotten made the oxygen masks shake and the flight attendants stick their heads out of the emergency door for fresh air. According to Jay Kay, Johnny Rotten’s a-hole basically bombed out a terrorist threat.

“He is a fucking nuisance. I was seated next to him on a flight and the whole trip he just kept farting. It was totally foul.

He kept saying, ‘Oh, that wasn’t me’ or, ‘The meal smells a bit off, don’t you think?’ He drove me insane.”

Jay Kay says that he would rather endure the torture of coach than breathe in Johnny Rotten’s butt sneezes again:

“At least I’d be able to breathe a bit. They banned smoking in the air and they should ban farting.”

What does Jay Kay expect Johnny Rotten to smell like? Bunnies made from gardenias bouncing around in baby powder?! It’s Johnny Rotten! I’d file a complaint if he didn’t inflate the under seat life vests with his farts. I really hope that Johnny Rotten’s gas follows Jay Kay around for the rest of his days, because bitch is funny when he gets angry over farts.

Kanye West Is Still On That

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

At the end of his show at NYC’s Bowery Ballroom last night, Pastor Gay Fish took to the imaginary podium and spit out a 9 minute long whiny bitch sermon about himself, Taylor Swift, himself, Matt Lauer, himself, Dubya, himself, himself, himself and himself. Even Stuart Smalley was like, “Give the mirror some air, dude, and back away…”

It’s just 9 minutes of Kanye yanking at his own shit while wailing out WOE IS ME song about how everyone’s out to destroy him. Bitch, you ain’t Alexis Carrington! And Alexis would simply slap a bitch, steal their man and then move on to the next. Instead of making everybody head to the exit door early by busting out a rant, Kanye just needs to slap Matt Lauer and steal his man. Do it like Alexis would.

If you don’t feel like spending time with Kanye’s voice today, here’s a couple of subjects he touched upon last night. From UsWeekly:

Gay Fish on the Taylor situation, which happened like 15 centuries ago: “Taylor never came to my defense at any interview,” West ranted. “And rode the waves and rode it and rode it.”

Gay Fish on the Today show manipulating Dubya’s words to get him ragey: “Because [of] the popularity of me, they exploited that…That’s not what he f*cking said!” West railed. “That’s not what he said! He said it was one of his lowest moments. But it shows you—the way they try to villainize, the way they tried to do that.”

And here’s the video from Gotcha Media.

The best part is when some dude in the audience screams “WHO CARES?!” Now that’s the real voice of the people. Preach it!

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Dennis Rodman Gets Something Sucked During A Morning Interview

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

Those of you who celebrate Carb & Booze Day tomorrow are going to need something to talk about in between nibbling on Jell-O salad around the table. So after you finish telling your nana and your other relatives the story about a young man’s discovery of a menstrual artifact in a crotch cave, you can paint them a picture of Dennis Rodman getting something sucked on during a radio interview yesterday morning. Gobble gobble.

Dennis called in to 790 The Ticket, a South Florida Sports Talk Radio, and a few minutes into the interview it became clear that his blood flow was going downstream instead of upstream. Dennis kept throwing out a bunch of “ums” and barely audible responses. Basically, bitch acted like me whenever the nurse at the free clinic asks me how many partners I’ve humped on in total. When the hosts finally asked Dennis what he and his trick Teresa were up to, he said, “She’s just sucking something. Sorry! I’m sorry about that. You said keep clean, right?”

If the Dennis Rodman of today didn’t look like Gollum on the wrong kind of growth hormones, this might give me a fever in the nipples, but it doesn’t. Especially because he didn’t specify what kind of “something” Teresa was putting her lips on. My imagination is fueled by gutter water, so the image of Teresa chupa-ing on Dennis’ anus ring is going to stay with me through the holidays.

via Cleveland Leader

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Jessica Simpson Thinks Eating This Will Be Weird

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

Papa Joe sucks at picking out a bought piece for his daughter Jessica. I mean, word is that Eric Johnson’s checking account is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 SITUATION and he’s a VEGAN! Jessica “Real Girls Eat Meat” Simpson is spreading her glazed ham cheeks all over a VEGAN! Jessica’s farts are meatier than a Brazilian barbecue, so an extra serving of vom must come up Eric’s froat when she dutch ovens him. Jessica puts creamed beef in her morning coffee and brushes her teeth with pork paste on a Slim Jim, so how is this going to work exactly? Eric must be serious about his gold digging.

Because Jessica is filled with more meat than John Travolta on a Saturday night, she’s not really looking forward to having a vegan Thanksgiving tomorrow. Jessica tells Jimmy Fallon (via People) that she’s afraid of sticking Tofurky in her mouth, because it’s going to be all “jiggly and weird.” Tofurky is like, “Speak for yourself, heffah!”

Jessica had this shit to say about eating potatoes with no cream and yams without condensed milk, “After getting out of the NFL, [Eric] went to this healer and is very healthy. For Thanksgiving we have to make a Tofurkey! It doesn’t sound right! It’s gonna be jiggly and weird. I’m from Texas – I’d fry a steak. We eat all casseroles and giblets!

The last time I ate Tofurky, I had to wrap my piece in bacon, dip it in Bisquick, throw it in the Fry Daddy and sprinkle chunks of steak fat on top of it in order to get it down my throat so I feel her pain (no, I don’t). Eric should just cover Jessica’s Tofurky with spray chocolate if he wants her to eat that shit without crying about how it’s making her feel all weird inside.

Or if Eric wants to keep her off turkey for the rest of the year, he can tell her that due a giant batch of hormones getting mixed-up with IVF, every single turkey comes complete with a turkey fetus inside of it this year:

Here’s Jessica and her paid piece leaving their hotel in NYC last night.

Raise Your Glass Of Sparking Barley Water!

November 24, 2010 / Posted by:

John Travolta has thrown a baby-proof lacefront on his head this morning, because he’s a father to a newborn baby all over again! While surrounded by giant “L.Ro Commands You To SHHH!” signs, Kelly Preston silently removed the velcro from her pillow bump and the surrogate quietly tiptoed into the room to hand over her new BABY BOY!!!! And as she mimed the words “coo” into her new baby’s face, John’s friends at the bath houses passed around blue cigars (no comment on what they did with those cigars). But in all seriousness, John and Kelly confirms to People that she birthed out the new baby prince of Scientology:

John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston are parents to son Benjamin, who was born Tuesday in a Florida hospital.

The baby weighed 8 lbs., 3 oz.

“John, Kelly and their daughter Ella Bleu are ecstatic and very happy about the newest member of the family,” they say in a statement. “Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully.”

YAY for John. YAY for Kelly. But a special Xenu YAY for Suri, because now she has a new arraigned friend to smoke barley joints with in the back of the Scientology center in 15 years.

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