Birthday Sluts

March 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Queen Latifah (41)
Lykke Li (25)
Sophia Myles (31)
Adam Levine (32)
Danneel Harris (32)
Devin Lima of LFO (34)
Sutton Foster (36)
Evan and Jaron (37)
Dane Cook (39)
Vanessa Williams (48)
Mike Rowe (49)
Irene Cara (52)
Luc Besson (52)
Brad Dourif (61)
John Kander (84)

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The Cyruses Are One Big Screwed Up Family Again!

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

Love is burning on the shopping cart grill in Billy Ray Cyrus’ heart again, because his family is back to gnawing on charred possum legs in the backyard together! Just last month, Billy Ray’s marriage to Tish was on its way to the barn to be put down and Miley Cyrus ignored his howls for attention, but everything is fixed now! Tish is chewing on the ends of Billy Ray’s mullet when they spoon in the back of a pickup truck and he couldn’t be happier. In a sit down with The View airing tomorrow, Billy Ray tells the hens that the divorce is off and Miley is talking to his ass again. From People:

“I’ve dropped the divorce. I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they’ve ever been. I feel like I got my Miley back. I feel like we’re the daddy and daughter we were before Hannah Montana.

Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family. Fame did. Sometimes when you get in this ride, you feel like you’re strapped to a rocket.”

I bet it was really difficult for Billy Ray to say those words with the CHA-CHING sound booming in his head after every sentence. “I feel like I got my Miley back!” Cut to Miley’s business manager stuffing a cashiers check into the coffee tin bank account under Billy Ray’s floor board. “Hannah Montana didn’t ruin my family!” Cut to Mickey Mouse dropping a wad of hundreds in Billy Ray’s fanny pack.

I don’t blame Billy Ray. He can buy a lot of taco party packs with that money.

Every Layer Of Adorable

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

Even battery acid couldn’t rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They’re adorable because: a) there’s a puppy in his basket and b) he’s dressed like he’s about to break into an acoustic version of “Seize the Day!

I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.

Every Layer Of Gross

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

A few mornings ago, I took my dog for his usual start of the day walk through the world that is his toilet. We headed towards his usual spot about a block away from my apartment. The scent of that spot inspires his bowels to move, apparently. As soon as we got there he hunched over and started to do the weird poop waddle dance he does when he’s about to bless the sidewalk. A quick second after he began his dance of the seven shits, I noticed a disemboweled pigeon lying on the sidewalk about a foot away from us. My dog noticed the dead pigeon at the same time, because he started bouncing toward it while sniffing like crazy. I tried to tug him away while throwing him the same disgusting look he gives me when I’m watching Jersey Shore, but he really wanted to get a nostril full and was on a mission. So I’m tugging, and he’s tugging, shitting and sniffing at the same time. It was a horrific necrophilia/scat scene that I did not want to be a part.

But you know, I’d gladly live in that dark place forever if it meant that I could wash away the image of Michael Lohan sticking his tongue into the mouth of Kim G from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Shitting dog sniffing a dead pigeon >>>>> THIS PICTURE

And there’s a glaring typo in that picture. It should read “appetite extinguisher.”

Afternoon Crumbs

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

The Rebecca Black Friday movie mash-up that the world did not need. Not even a bong over each ear can soothe the pain this song brings… – TDW

Megan Fox is taking time out from being the world’s most prolific philosopher to star in the Knocked Up sequel – Lainey Gossip

Alexa Nikolas is a publicity mastermind, or something – The Superficial

What a Blue Man Group bukkake looks like (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

The cock of the Irish! – The Berry

Leonardo DiCaprio and Armie Hammer have touched tongues – Towleroad

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH – Just Jared

Owen Wilson is a devoted father – Celebitchy

I already hate the new Charlie’s AngelsHollywood Tuna

For some strange reason, putting on a blonde wig makes Orlando Bloom look like James FrancoPopsugar

Abbie Cornish Game Hen in GQ – Popoholic

Glum cunt – ICYDK

Trump/Omarosa 2012 – Gawker

Jakes Shears’ nalgas for the zero of you that haven’t seen them yet – OMG Blog

Would you hit it? – Cityrag

For a dumb ho who is supposedly comfortable with her body, Kim Kardashian sure does talk about her body a lot – I’m Not Obsessed

Taryn Manning has come a long way since CrossroadsHollywood Rag

Dear Bride of Whackenstein, save it for Wheelchair Jimmy Crunk + Disorderly

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Aubrey O’Day Is A Gifted Actress

March 17, 2011 / Posted by:

And apparently when Aubrey O’Day switches on the manufactured fury her face morphs into a constipated Miley Cyrus. You learn something new. Outside of Katsuya in Hollywood last night, the former jewel of Diddy’s harem got into a fight with the boyfriend of one of her “All About Aubrey” co-stars. To say that this is more choreographed than Tom Cruise’s marriages is a damn understatement.

You can practically hear Aubrey’s internal voice chanting, “1, 2, 3, yell! 5,6,7, push!” So real. So raw. So Meryl Streep-esque. The scene is so captivating that the woman in the back is picking the kobe beef bits out of her teefs while wondering if she should get a scoop of the Cotton Candy or a cup of the Baseball Nut (that name…) at Baskin-Robbins after this shit wraps.

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