My eyes have been opened. The real reason why JLo and Skeletor’s marriage has a chalk outline around it, isn’t because of the rumors that he’s got hos in every crevice of Eternia or that he wanted a say in every piece of fabric that hugged her double pan de agua ass. A poster at Lipstick Alley (via ONTD) says it’s because JLo threw a black lace veil over her chocha and mourned the loss of all feeling down there due to Skeletor’s 11-inch crotch arm of force. SANTO DIOS! To quote my abuelita: “Aye can’t!”
First of all, whose wrist are we using as a measurement, because if it’s Skeletor’s then that’s giving me a totally different image. Skeletor could share wrist bracelets with Barbie, so that’s just making me picture his dick looking like a long tapeworm. Second of all, maybe Skeletor is just a giant walking dick with a tiny wig on its head, because I’m pretty sure he’s 11 inches long from top to bottom.
You know, when this is the first thing you see in your inbox in the morning, you know it’s a sign to log off for the day, fill the tub and stick your head in it. You bring the Calgon. For the Calgon enema, not to go in the water. It’s one of those days.
And here’s JLo trying to recover from Skeletor’s Power of Grayskull pinga while shooting What To Expect When You’re Expecting in Atlanta yesterday.
But his Mom only ran into KMart for a few minutes!? – snowpiece
I think they went a little overboard with the Donald Trump Roast. – Manimal5
As soon as darkness falls, Mantana will shed his speedos and pretend he’s a glow stick waiting to be picked up. – Oxygen
Meanwhile, at the Jersey Shore Retirement Home:
Vern, the Silver Situation, was too embarrassed to admit he broke his hip while fist-pumping for Geriatric G-Woww, so he asked his nurse to set him up daily by the pool until he was well enough for the Smooshed Peas room. – Tiddly-Winks
via Poorly Dressed
Straight from the land of Phoebe Price comes the newest member of Alabama royalty: Ms. Alabama Nursing Home 2011! Yes, there’s such a thing as Ms. Alabama Nursing Home and 100-year-old Felma Schrimshire beat out over 70 fellow beauties for the crown (which is made of Benefiber crystals and can be dissolved in a glass of lukewarm water).
The judges chose Felma over all the other poised and primped memaws because she visits every single one of the residents at her nursing home each week to give them an “encouraging word” and because she can make a brat walk away from a second serving of sheet cake by throwing him a “….the hell do you think you’re doing” face.
Felma’s duty as Ms. Alabama Nursing Home will be to grace other nursing homes in the state with her royal goodness and to wave at hos in various parades.
Personally, I think Ms. Alabama Nursing Home’s duties should be not doing shit. She earned it. Send Felma’s runners-up out to do her duties while she nibbles on the butterscotch pudding packs they didn’t have time to eat for lunch because they had to go out and do her duties! Oh, well. I’m sure Felma will do a wonderful job while not giving a fuck. All hail our new Ms. ‘Bama Nursing Home!
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (34)
Cheyenne Kimball (21)
Nick Hogan (21)
Alex Rodriguez (36)
Pete Yorn (37)
Maya Rudolph (39)
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau Picture (41)
Triple H (42)
Maria Grazia Cucinotta (43)
Julian McMahon (43)
Juliana Hatfield (44)
Bill Engvall (54)
Carol Leifer (55)
Yahoo Serious (58)
Maureen McGovern (62)
Peggy Fleming (63)
Jerry Van Dyke (80)
Norman Lear (89)
Crystal Harris continued on her Failed Gold Digging Whore Tour today by talking with Howard Stern about the first time she ever humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner’s grave worm dick. It was pretty much the kind of romantic shit you’d expect between a 24-year-old lazy gold digger and an 85-year-old grandwhore. Crystal got to bypass Hef’s usually conveyer belt line of blonde sluts and go straight to the front for a two-second long ride that made her pussy frown. Crystal spoke the language of true romance when she put it like this to Howard:
“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”
Sugar Pie better stick her little paw out, because Anna Nicole Smith is about to shed one single tear from heaven over this hurtful shit. Anna Nicole would’ve never behaved like that. That bum bitch Crystal Harris is a shame to all gold diggers. Yes, the thought of riding on Hef would make most coochies stiffen up like they’ve got rigor mortis, but you slap it loose and handle it.
You picture Hef’s wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a “transfer transmitting” bar. Don’t hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that’s how a real gold digger does it. I swear. If I was related to Crystal, I’d erase her name from our family tree on Ancestry.com. A shame.
Tami “It Wasn’t Not Funny” Roman strikes again. On last night’s Basketball Wives, Meeka and Tami both crawled into the ring at a club in Rome to battle it out after the former talked shit about the latter to Slow Suzie (the trick in the middle). Anybody who has seen 10 seconds of Tami in all her reality show glory should know not to turn your eyes away from her during a fight or she will give you a surprise in the form of a palm to the damn face. BITCH GOT PALMED! Tami patty caked Meeka right in the face and let that bitch’s nostrils know whether or not she washed her hands after wiping her ass. Tami stop in the name of love-ed that bitch!
Even Suzie, who is always operating on a 10-second delay, closed her eyes real quick and prayed that she also wouldn’t be stumbling back to the hotel with Tami’s palm print on her face. It’s a good thing that greasy ass Meeka’s face pores naturally secrete Vaseline or else she would’ve had Tami’s palm print on her face. Meeka’s face is always prepared for a brawl.
If you need to see the violent face palm felt around Rome in action, here you go:
What would Bethasaurus say about this mess?