Tiger Woods’ mistress Rachel Uchitel and her lawyer Gloria Allred were supposed to tap dance in a press conference yesterday, but it was canceled at the last minute. Radar claims that Rachel put a stop to the matinee performance, because Tiger was willing to give her $1 million for her silence.
Today, TMZ is saying this isn’t so. According to their sources, Rachel is shaking in fright like Paris Hilton’s gynecologist, because she thinks she knows too much.
The source added that Tiger told Rachel about his other whores and also told her specific details about his failing marriage. Rachel plans to make like my father and disappear, because she fears “all the other people caught in what is becoming a very large net.”
We all know who Rachel is really afraid of. Elin Nordegren probably sent her a shredded tennis ball in the mail with the note: “This is about to become YOUR FACE.” Either that or Rachel has already safely tucked Tiger’s $1 million check into her savings account.
That statue (see below) is not the most depressing thing to come from Brangelina today. These pictures of them at last night’s Invictus premiere are.
Billy Goat Brad looks like a crazy homeless man after someone gave him a second-hand suit to wear for a job interview. Only he messed up the interview because he wouldn’t stop yammering about how staplers are the gateway to the alien world and how he was engaged to a fax machine once. And St. Morticia looks like if she didn’t chew on that Valium pill minutes before, she’d be ripping off Brad’s chin muff with her bare teeth. Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Thankfully, Brangie brought Maddox along as a distraction. You can always count on Maddox to save a picture by dressing up as “Johnny Depp on a gondola ride.”
Daniel Edwards, the evil artiste who brought us such terrifying works of art like St. Angie Breastfeeding and Brit Brit Humping On A Dead Bear, has once again used the holy one as inspiration. Daniel’s latest work is called “Brangelina Forever.” More like Barfalotta Forever.
Daniel worked on the piece with fellow artist Xvala. It is currently being showcased in a 4,000 square foot home in Oklahoma City called “The Brangelina.” The home was designed by Xvala.
Xvala has installed the sculpture in the ceiling of the master bedroom to inspire “sexual healing for the room’s occupants.”
Xvala is the grand dame of Brangaloonies, because the statute is embedded with crushed glass containing Brad and Angie’s DNA obtained from wine glasses from which they drank while reportedly celebrating the anniversary of their first meeting on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Xvala and his publicist released this statement, which might make you want to crawl back into bed and bawl for our future: “The ‘Brangelina’ sculpture is destined to exist forever, the way Brad and Angie’s relationship will persist in peoples’ memories. Theirs is the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton romance of our time. I believe every home in America should become an ‘honorary home’ to our Superstars, in order to connect celebrities and regular people in spirit.”
Xvala must be closely related to Xenu, because this bitch is the epitome of FUCKED UP CRAZY! For the sake of his friends and family, I hope this trick is just telling jokes. When you outdo Twitards, it’s time to retreat to the nearest padded room.
When was the last time Brad Pitt looked like that?! If they were going to do this, they could’ve at least made it more realistic. Xvala should’ve pulled a grandma off the street, shaved her muff off, dipped it in holy water and then pasted it on Brad’s chin. And why did that Disney Princess Bird eat St. Angie’s nipples off?
You know every Brangaloonie is going to Photoshop their head onto that bird’s body and send this out as their Christmas card. If you get one in the mail, burn it immediately! That shit might be contagious.
Not to be outdone by Tickle-Me-Elmo, Tyra lets Cookie Monster try out the new Finger-Fuck-Tyra. – TrainwreckJen
♫ Can you tell me how to get,
How to get this bitch off TV?♪ – OurMissC
Tyra still cannot get any takers on her ‘Kiss My Big Fat Ass‘ offer. – loozer
“You’re right Elmo, her hair feels just like ours does…” – BangoSkank
(Image source: Warner Bros./Jason Kempin)
Janet Jackson and El DeBarge were married in 1984. I truly believe that she secretly gave birth to five grown adults that year and they all formed a pop group called Five Star! Because every member of Five Star has Janet’s moves and El DeBarge’s beauty (and falsetto). You know, I also think Prince dipped in it too, because they have his fashion sense. They all wore Prince’s weekend pajamas.
Five Star had a string of hits in the UK through the late 80s and early 90s. The group was made up of five siblings (think the Contempo Casuals-version of the Jackson 5). Each of them had their own brand of glamour, but none of them did it like Stedman! I mean, look at what he grew up to be! You could get lost forever in his “sands of time” goatee! His nostrils are weeping out of joy. This is what people mean when they use the word “GORGEOUS.”
AND Stedman was arrested in the 90s for public indecency for pulling a George Michael in a public bathroom. Stedman was just trying to pee, but when he whipped out of his rhinestone-covered penis, every man in the bathroom passed out. They couldn’t handle it. And of course, Stedman took the fall. Beauty haters!
Below is one of Five Star’s biggest hits. You will pucker.
Wink Martindale (75)
Lauren London (25)
Lindsay Felton (25)
Tyra Banks (36)
Nikki Tyler (37)
Kevin Sussman (39)
Fred Armisen (43)
Marisa Tomei (45)
Chelsea Noble (45)
Cassandra Wilson (54)
Gary Rossington (58)
Patricia Wettig (58)
Jeff Bridges (60)
Gemma Jones (67)