In honor of Lost coming to an end tomorrow night, every Hot Slut this weekend and Monday will be devoted to the animals, monsters and things we’ve all come to know and love over the past twenty years (or however long that shit has been on). Actually, these will probably be the final Hot Sluts since the world will end once Lost goes off the air forever. That’s the big twist. The world is over! This giant island known as Earth will be moved right into the sun. What reason is there for humanity do go on, right? Put on your SPF.
But before that happens, let’s all pay tribute to Vincent, the dog WHO STARTED IT ALL (yes, he did). I’m not even sure where Vincent is hiding these days. Bitch is probably in the Dharma computer lab trolling Lost websites trying to find out what the hell is going on. Bitch is as confused as all of us.
I just hope that Vincent can tear himself away from the computer for the final episode. The creators of Lost said that Vincent is the only character they guarantee isn’t going to die in the end. That’s good news, because I’m secretly hoping Vincent gets the final line. The camera will zoom into his face, and he’ll say, “Roll that beautiful bean footage!” BOOM! LOST! CREDITS!
Katie Price (32)
Caridee English (25)
Maggie Q (31)
Ginnifer Goodwin (32)
A.J. Langer (36)
Alison Eastwood (38)
Annabel Chong (38)
Naomi Campbell (40)
Brooke Smith (43)
Johnny Gill (44)
Bernie Taupin (60)
Kevin Jonas and his wife of 5 months Danielle are already sleeping in separate rooms like old people from the 1950s, and not because she’s sick of the boys he brings home kicking her in the middle of the night. Apparently, Kevin’s loud ass snoring keeps Danielle’s ears twitching all night, so she has to sleep in the guest room.
A source tells InTouch, “Kevin and Danielle had never spent a night together until their wedding night, so she had no clue that he snores so loudly. She loves her husband, but now she sleeps in a guest room when he gets too noisy. They are still crazy about each other. But the snoring has become a big joke for their friends.”
There’s no need for Danielle to sleep in another room. Kevin’s “snoring” is actually his throat wailing for a little peen and his nose howling for the sweet scent of a pair of musky balls. That’s all! If Danielle wants to shut Kevin up, she just needs to shove a peencifier in his mouth. Then she can spoon with him all night long in silence. Marriage saved!
Here’s Marc Jacobs looking like a greasy pork rib bone lying on a baked potato wrapper in the ad for his new men’s fragrance called BANG. Based on this ad, Marc’s nectar probably smells like Jiffy Pop, butt sweat, Molly McButter sprinkles, and cups of grease from the jar my abuelita keeps under her sink. Basically, this is what I wish my apartment will smell like on a Friday night, but it ends up reeking like lonely tears and burnt Hot Pockets.
And at least someone found a good use for the Mylar earthquake blanket my mom kept in her garage for decades.
Mischa Barton is like a cokey-eyed ostrich from our nightmares eating our souls from the inside out (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
James Franco taking a picture of himself with gross ass Kiki Dunst. It’s probably just part of his ongoing performance art project – Lainey Gossip
Kate Gosselin in a bikini. That sound I just heard was the sound of you logging off – The Superficial
How you breastfeed twins as presented by Julie Bowen – Egotastic!
Kate Hudson’s shorts would look better on a grandma’s table under a pot of chamomile tea – Hollywood Tuna
Madonna speaks out on the conviction of a gay couple in Malawi – Towleroad
Teresa Giudice says “PROSTITUTION WHORE-AH“, Danielle says “Paid for relationships” – Celebitchy
Rachel Bilson’s chichis don’t deserve this – Popoholic
ASkars with his nipples out! ASkars with his nipples out! – Just Jared
Jay-Z has that look on his face because he doesn’t know if that’s Will’s or Jada’s hand giving him the shocker – Popsugar
Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are not dating – ICYDK
Tale of two toes – Cityrag
Megan Fox wasn’t fired because she’s too thin, she was fired because her mouth is too fat – I’m Not Obsessed
Sammy Sosa, still a mess – Crunk + Disorderly
Why didn’t somebody push her? I hate people. – Hollywood Rag
Ashton Kutcher is projecting – SOW
Blohan on that picture of her in Cannes with a few lines of the bad shit patiently waiting for her to spend a little time with them:
“What!?? That’s a set up that’s so untrue.”
We’re all Miss Cleo today, because we all saw this excuse in our crystal ball this morning. What’s so wrong with just saying, “Yes, it’s coke, you fucking bitches. It’s my prom!” Or at least come up with something different and say you were making apology cookies to give to your judge. Bitch needs a new song.