The lustrous rhinestone of Beverly Hills and the sparking sweat bubble of North Carolina were both released from the hospital where they have been seeking treatment for very different reasons. First up is Zsa Zsa! Slap a cop and read on…
Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized almost a month ago after she busted her hip bone while trying to answer the phone during Jeopardy. Zsa Zsa received a new hip and everyone thought it wouldn’t be long before she was sipping champagne out of crystal goblets again, but her condition quickly went from “Fabulous, Dahling” to “Shitty, Dahling” (that’s really what the doctor wrote on her medical file).
Zsa Zsa’s condition has improved enough for her to be sent home. Zsa Zsa’s husband, Prince Von A Hole, told the reporters outside of their mansion, “She smiled already and started flirting with the guys who took her home.” So that plastic chandelier hanging over your Ikea dining table has a reason to sparkle again!
As for Fantasia, she was stuck in the arm with an IV drip a couple of days ago when she overdosed on Aspirin and sleeping pills. Some say Fanny tried to commit suicide, and others say it was accidental. Fanny’s rep only said that she took the pills, because she’s been having a hard time dealing with all the media attention surrounding her relationship with a married dude.
Fanny’s rep confirmed last night that she was out of the hospital and ready to start promoting her album, “She is more committed than ever to her daughter and her work because they are her heart, her soul and inspiration.”
Hopefully while Fanny was slurping on hospital Jello and inhaling the musty scent of her neighbor’s bed pan, she came to the realization that offing yourself over married dick is not the way. In trying times like this, Fanny should ask herself, “What would the wise whore Sienna Miller do?*” Well, Sienna Miller would keep sucking that peen while flipping everyone off. Or she’d replace that previously owned wang with a different one. Fill your mouth with new dick (aka nature’s anti-depressant), not Aspirins!
*Surgeon General’s Warning: Don’t ever take advice from Sienna Miller.
George Michael was devastated by false advertising of the ‘Fags on wheels’ service. – cs182
He’s lost a lung and has emphysema, congestive heart failure and an oxygen tank, but the Marlboro Man STILL can’t get out of his contract. – MardiGras
White Oprah making endorsement money while her cashcow is in rehab – oscarwilde
Boomer the Dog (Government Name: Gary Guy Mathews)
Quentin Tarantino Gary Guy Matthews is a 44-year-old unemployed computer technician who went to court in the furry capital of the world Pittsburgh to legally change his name to his alter ego Boomer the Dog. Gary got the name from a 1980s NBC TV show about a dog who does good shit. The show only lasted a quick second, but it will stay in Gary’s heart forever. It was his nickname in high school and he hosted a radio show in his basement about Boomer the Dog. When Gary got a older, he made a Boomer suit out of shredded paper and wore that mess to furry conventions and parties.
Gary filed a request for the name change back in June and has been waiting for the judge’s decision. After the judge got all the laughs out of his system, he officially shoved Gary’s name changing dreams into the paper shredder by denying the request. The judge said that his name change could cause “confusion in the marketplace.” That’s just legal judge talk for “Because that’s a stupid fucking name for a grown lesbian man.” It probably didn’t help when Gary humped the bailiff during the hearing or pissed on the judge’s shoe.
Boomer is now getting paper cuts on his tongue by licking his wounds in his backyard dog house made from cardboard boxes found behind a Staples. Here’s Boomer in all his recycled glory.
Instead of wasting his money on trying to change his name, Boomer should’ve used that dough to buy a costume that doesn’t look like a creature from the paper shredder box. You just want to grab Boomer and use his ass to pack your fragile shit when moving. Can he really be called a furry when hugging him will leave you reaching for a box of mini Band-Aids?!
(For Ken & Jill)
Miss Cleo (48)
Justin Gaston (22)
Dominique Swain (30)
Casey Affleck (35)
Yvette Nicole Brown (39)
Michael Ian Black (39)
Rebecca Gayheart (39)
Pete Sampras (39)
Tanita Tikaram (41)
Peter Krause (45)
Sir Mix-a-Lot (47)
Bruce Greenwood (54)
George Hamilton (71)
We hate to disappoint so many teenage girls out there, but we have good news if you’re a young boy and have the hots for this teen heart throb. Although he has made public appearances with a girlfriend, he is biding his time to when he can openly come out with the man he’s been in love with for some time. His PR team is making him keep up the straight act as a strategy to help him win roles until he grows up a little and snags a more meaty role. Once he breaks the mold of a teenage sex symbol and is respected as more serious talent, then his team suggest a tell-all interview, maybe a sit down on daytime TV and finally freedom to be who he is. (BuzzFoto)
Taylor Lautner doesn’t have a beard he holds hands with on the red carpet, so I’ll throw his name off the pile. RPattz is already a respected and serious talent (sprinkle a handful of sarcasm on top of that). I might be sitting alone on this one, but I don’t think DanRad loves to tap his crotch wand on man ass. Therefore by process of elimination I’m going with Zac Efron?
This talented girl is not happy with her beau’s activities during her recent theater gig. During the show, he and a couple of pals engaged in some immature antics in the audience by loudly laughing at her lines during the wrong moments, as well as openly mimicking her gestures during her big musical number. While she did give him a verbal smackdown after the show, she will likely continue to put up with his beastly behavior as long as their fake relationship benefits her career. (Blind Gossip)
Aaaand this is a perfect follow-up to the blind item above. Vanessa Hudgens was in some movie called Beastly and she recently played Mimi in Rent, so obviously this is her ass and purdy Zac Efron? I bet Vanessa also smeared his lip glass, because you know he freaks out when tricks do that.
This former A+ list movie star and now a B+ and fading, recently borrowed several million dollars from this A list baseball player because he is having big big financial problems. (CDAN)
The best I’ve got is Nicolas Cage and A-Rod? A-Rod loves a sessy blonde with strong hands, so he probably just asked Nicolas to massage his titties in exchange for the cash.
This A/B list actress moved her family out of LA and into a town not so populated with paparazzi. We assumed it was to let her kids have a more normal life and get out of the Hollywood scene. Now we’ve realized, it was only to throw her husband off the scent of her affair with her agent. Sources report that whenever she flies in to town for work, she and her agent get down to more than just business. (BuzzFoto)
I don’t think Fishsticks Paltrow has ever lived in L.A., but I’m going to guess her. Because I’m hoping that a future issue of GOOP will be all about how to creep out on your spouse the zen way.
Who needs to go to the grocery store to buy dumb broccoli for $3 when for just $1 more you can go over to Denny’s and bathe your arteries in this deep fried deliciousness right here! This mounds of messiness, which sorts of looks like something from the Bodies Exhibit, is Denny’s new Fried Cheese Sandwich. It’s four deep fried mozzarella sticks shoved into a sourdough grilled cheese sandwich.
This ticket to a date with a defibrillator pad is served with a side of fries and marinara for dipping. Yes, marinara. That’s where Denny’s went wrong. They were this close to making it look like a golden god. Fuck tomatoes! Tomatoes are only delicious when served with several layers of baked cheese on top! This death in a sandwich needs to be served with a giant bowl of dipping butter and blended bacon to spread on top of it.
That being said, Kirstie Alley is still going to put on her eatin’ teddy and make sweet sweet sweet sweeeeet love to this thing.
And once you finish confusing your bowels by swallowing massive amounts of cheese and grease, treat yourself with a piece of Paula Deen’s deep fried cheesecake! Eat your way to DEAAATH!
Yes, you probably won’t wake up from your deep fried coma, but at least you’ll give the coroner some stories to tell after he opens you up.