Aaron Carter Is In Rehab

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

You might have been wondering why you haven’t seen sexually frustarted Aaron Carter caressing his cheek against satin panties in the intimate section at Bealls (you know he does) lately. That’s because the Justin Bieber of 2000 checked into a rehab clinic in Southern California a couple of weeks ago. Aaron’s party is officially fucking over. Call your parents and tell them to pick you up.

Aaron’s manager Johnny Wright confirms to E! News that he made the decision to dry out and get his shit together:

“Several months ago Aaron came to me to help him return to music and to restart his career. He has been in Orlando working on a new album and perfecting his live show and his physical body. Aaron, understanding the challenges and hard work it would take to get himself back to the top, requested to take some time before we started to heal some emotional and spiritual issues he was dealing with. Therefore he has chosen to enter a facility where he feels he will get the guidance and cleansing he needs that will help him on the music journey he’s about to take. He asks that everyone keep him in their prayers and that they respect his privacy at this time.”

Johnny didn’t say what Aaron’s bad shit of choice is, but I think it’s safe to say that you’d test positive for meth if you licked the sweat off his jerky-fied body or sucked on the vein boner on his forehead. And no, you’re not the only one who would hit it. The bulging forehead vein, I mean. Not Aaron.

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Vintage Mah Boo

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

In case you’ve never seen it, here’s yet another precious portrait of Anderson Cooper I’m going to print out in black and white and slip into the family album that I bring out whenever somebody comes to visit (note you’re making to yourself: don’t visit his ass). This is Mah Boo with a butch Colleen Williams haircut in the 90s. And now I can scratch “Mah Boo in a Bugle Boy jeans ad” off my list of “Things I Want To See Mah Boo In.”

via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

We’re Still On This

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

Some of Hollywood is still rubbing burn cream on their ass lips from when Ricky Gervais put a BIC under their butts at the Golden Globes last weekend. And they’re still mad about it. Judd Apatow, director of Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin, hosted the Producers Guild Awards last night and he used his opening monologue to kick at Ricky’s nalgas for being a meanie bully. Judd tried to give Ricky a taste of his own cunt syrup. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Judd on Ricky hosting the GGs: “What did you think of Ricky Gervais? I didn’t like him. I thought he was mean.”

Judd on Ricky’s Lost joke: “He had that joke about the guy on Lost. He said he ate everybody else. Let’s be honest — Ricky Gervais just lost weight. Even now he’s four pounds away from not being allowed to do a joke like that. Did he lose weight just to make fat jokes? You think that’s how mean he is?”

Judd on Ricky’s Tim Allen joke: “He made a joke about Tim Allen who was standing next to Tom Hanks. Who looks good standing next to Tom Hanks? We all look like a piece of shit standing next to Tom Hanks! Warren Buffet would look like a piece of shit next to Tom Hanks.Tim Allen did 200 episodes of Home Improvement. He was in three of the highest grossing movies of all time. And his latest just crossed the one billion mark. Whereas The Invention Of Lying made $18 million dollars worldwide…Leave Tim Allen alone.”

Judd on Ricky’s The Tourist joke: “Ricky says the characters were two-dimensional. Then he says he hasn’t seen The Tourist. So as a comedian, that’s not fair, is it? To make jokes about a movie you haven’t seen. I can’t do a joke about The Invention of Lying because I haven’t seen it. You haven’t seen it. None of us have seen it. So the joke would not work.”

Everybody should feel better now that Judd has gently kissed their burnt anuses. This was basically Judd’s #itgetsbetter message to poor Hollywood. Gimme a break (shout out to Nell Carter!). I’m sure Tim Allen felt better once he dried his tears with bars of gold and St. Angie Jo doesn’t give a shit if The Tourist is trash as long as the check clears.

Well, at least who ever hosts the next award show has some material for their opening monologue. They can make fun of Judd Apatow for making fun of Ricky Gervais for making fun of everybody. We’ll be doing this all year long.

And TMZ asked John Travolta, who was pretty much the butt (wink wink) of Ricky’s gay Scientology joke, what he thought about the GGs. John said it was more like a roast. And the only kind of roast John likes is the kind where he’s got a hard rod in each end, thankyouverymuch!

Here’s John putting more miles on his new wig with his wife Kelly Preston, Olivia Newton-John and John Easterling at the G’Day USA Australia Week Gala in Hollywood, CA.

LiLo & Pootie Together Again

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

“Lilo & Pootie” sounds like the name of a potty training game for advanced students. But this post isn’t about aiming for the toilet (I think), it’s about the touching reunion between Lindsay Lohan, Patrick “Pootie” Aufdenkamp and the paparazzi in Malibu yesterday afternoon. Michael Lohan just filled with rage causing his nipples to sharpen and cut holes into his favorite mesh shirt.

LiLo and Pootie reportedly ended their friendship a while ago after she accused him of stealing her clothing sketches and passing them off as his own. At least Pootie thought he was stealing LiLo’s sketches, but it turns out it was just fake tan skid marks on her coke Kleenex. LiLo and Pootie reportedly made up after that, but he was nowhere to be seen during all her court drama crap. The only pootie around that time was that one that came out of White Oprah’s no-no every time she cried INJUSTICE! But LiLo and Pootie are back together again. And LiLo is back to looking like a 48-year-old truck stop liquor store clerk who will give you a complimentary handjob in the back if you buy two bottles of MD. CASH ONLY.

And in other Lohan news, Dawn Holland, the former Betty Ford employee who swears she sprained her wrist when LiLo yanked the phone out of her hand during an early morning fight, has hired a lawyer and is pursing a civil case. TMZ says that before Dawn stopped working with prosecutors on their battery case against LiLo, she made a deal to meet with White Oprah’s innocent child. A lone paparazzo was supposed to document the meeting and Dawn planned to sell the pictures for around $10,000. LiLo pulled out of the deal and now Dawn wants her money.

Dawn Holland has to be the only dumb bitch on this planet who believes anything that comes out of a Lohan’s mouth. When you make a deal with a Lohan (which your ass shouldn’t), you need to make them swear on a pair of leggings and a Juvederm syringe while you check to make sure they’re not crossing any of their body parts even their labias. White Oprah can snap hers. That’s a trick she learned during her dancing days!

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Nicki Minaj Got Kicked Out Of A London Hotel

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

The Dorchester in London put Nicki Minaj and her entourage out on the curb and it wasn’t because she walked through the lobby wearing a wig that looks like one of Paris Hilton’s bed sheets under an ultraviolet light. It also wasn’t because Nicki’s presence inspired a fan (let’s call her Arethanna) to bring her chichis out for an autograph. The Daily Mail says that The Dorchester evicted Nicki, because her crazed fans graffitied an elevator and disturbed the peace. Nicki laughed about that shit on her Twatter:

long day of press only to find out we’ve officially been kicked out the hotel! Lmaoooooooo. Rescue me barbz!!!! Pleeeeeeeasse *martha voice*
2:16 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

S/O all the kids outside the hotel just now. It got a bit CRAZY but I rlly appreciate ur support. Hopefully the next hotel will be nicer 🙂
2:25 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

And they said yesterday while I was out doing press, a fight broke out and an ambulance was called for 1 of my barbz.
2:29 PM Jan 21st via ÜberTwitter

Nicki’s London “barbz” must be having a strange allergic reaction to the toxic fumes wafting off the poisonous spider legs glued to her eyelids, because they also caused a MAN DOWN CODE 10 scene at a London club last night. Nicki’s appearance at the club Runway was canceled after a full-on brawl broke out inside.

I’m not sure if getting kicked the hell out of a hotel because of something your crazy fans did is a new kind of hardcoreness or completely embarrassing. I’m going to go with the latter. That shit ain’t rock n’ roll. Letting your fans do the fuckery work for you?! I mean, Nicki should’ve at least broke a light bulb or clogged a sink with her 10lbs of make-up, so she could say that The Dorchester just couldn’t handle her. Amy Wino is so disappointed.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor Is Back At Home

January 23, 2011 / Posted by:

Zsa Zsa Gabor is once eating nibbling on slightly chilled chocolate bonbons and sipping on the tears of police officers from a crystal goblet in her bed after a massive blood clot forced doctors to amputate most of her leg. TMZ reports that Zsa Zsa was sent home from the hospital yesterday and doctors have ordered her to stay in her pink satin princess canopy bed for at least two months. A nurse will be on hand 24-hours a day to spoon feed caviar to Zsa Zsa and wash her hair with diamond water.

No Zsa Zsa post would be complete without an ass dingle straight out of her husband’s mouth. Prince Frederic von Anhalt spoke into TMZ’s mic and told them that her hospital bills are going to run them around $20,000. Yes, only $20,000. I didn’t snatch a zero, deep fry it, sprinkle it with powdered sugar and eat that shit. Dude really only said $20,000.

Zsa Zsa spent over a week in the hospital, had major surgery and he’s saying shit about only $20k? That’s probably all co-pays, because my hospital bill would be more than that if I simply went in complaining about how I accidentally sat on an empty lubed-up bottle of Andre. Besides, the diamond tiara Zsa Zsa wears to take a piss is worth way more than $20,000. Somebody needs to hook Prince von Anhalt up to an IV filled with STFU.

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