Kate Minus A Show

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

After weeks of rumors that TLC would become the less one cunt network (so that’s what TLC really stands for) by dropping Kate Gosselin completely, they have officially announced that Kate Plus 8’s current season will be its last and it will soon disappear like the rabid possum who used to feed on the dandruff balls on top of her head. The sound that was made when TLC brought down the ax sounded like this:

“TLC has decided not to renew another season of Kate Plus 8,” a network rep said in a statement. “By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone. TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future.”

Well, those ten million children have been living the high life for way too long, anyway. It’s about time they live like normal people by only surviving on garden hose water from the neighbor’s yard and popcorn kernels. They’ll have to get jobs selling dirt pies off the interstate and make all their clothes from FedEx sacks. Sure, they have millions upon millions of dollars from being whored out by their mother, but Kate needs that money to stretch so she can still maintain her $2000 a month weave and get her carcass sprayed with liquid copper every week. But on the bright side, now that the cameras will no longer be crawling all over their house, the kids won’t to see their lens-fucking mom as much.

We might think that this is the end of a nightmare, but it’s the only beginning. Now that Kate doesn’t have an outlet for her famewhoreness, she’s going to hit the ho stroll even harder. There is no God.

via E! Online

Afternoon Crumbs

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Presenting the new Mr. and Mrs. Tara Reid! This will definitely last forever (or until the minibar goes dry) since his wonky eyes match her wonky tits! – The Superficial

Rachel Weisz’s son is like, “My stepdaddy is James Bond and you are….?”Lainey Gossip

Jean-Claude Van Damme has tasted a lot of gays, or something – Towleroad

Is that Christmas tinsel or bobby pins on the front of Demi Lovato’s dress? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

What an adorable beast (not the one in pink) – Hollywood Tuna

Who needs children when you have a nursery full of wigs? – Celebitchy

For the love of ROJO, NOOOOOOO! – The Berry

Glamberace’s got the burrito dick of eyebrows – ICYDK

In Soviet Russia, you just don’t give a fuck – The Daily What

FREE TOTOOOOO! – Popoholic

Is Mark Sanchez calling Jennifer Aniston a slut? – Just Jared

And R. Kelly slow claps – OMG Blog

Reese Witherspoon’s gut tattoo looks like a Super Mario star with antlers – Popsugar

Shiloh gives her official review of Shrek the Musical – I’m Not Obsessed

Al vida nipples! – Hollywood Rag

Oh, that Candice Swanepoel’s just giving herself a hand mammogram right on the beach – Cityrag

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Who Wants To See Gene Simmons’ Bare Ass?

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Answer: NO ONE!!!!

But you’ve already numbed all of your senses by staring at the face on Gene Simmons’ head in the picture above, so you might as well go all the way. While Gene and Shannon Tweed were out in Bel Air yesterday, the paparazzi asked to see her engagement ring. Shannon waved an empty finger at them. And then Gene told them he’ll really show them something before he dropped all them panties and gave them two Wonder Bread loaves with a sprinkling of saffron and ass pimples. Gene gave them (NSFWish) THIS!

I know you want to zoom up into that butt cleave, so drop your tongue like Gene and get a little closer:

Yes, Gene’s nalgas are about as square as SpongeBob’s, but it’s not what I was expecting. I was expecting that shit to look like a curled up baby mountain gorilla with mange and eczema. Like a hair nest of dingles. But not at all! If I ever found myself in a basement in hell playing Spin The Bottle with just Gene’s face and Gene’s ass, I’d probably hope that the bottle would land on the latter. Gene’s tongue is so damn long that if he swallowed it, the tip would stick out of his anus hole and tickle your teeth. So that’s a bonus!

via Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Emmitt Thunderpaws

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

This video of a gargantuan horse dog named Emmit Thunderpaws (Pregnant celebwhores, take note. That is a name!) freaking out over the return of his military dad after 9 months apart will make you do 3 things:

1) Feel a thin layer of warmness over the mound of ice cold ground vulture meat in your chest.
2) Petition for Emmit Thunderpaws to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars.
3) Google “Great Dane lipstick.”

via The Daily What

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This Precious Flower Did Not Marry A Danish Businessman

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

UPDATE: Tara Reid is still married. But the man whose lips she drunk barfed on a little during the first kiss as husband and wife was not Michael Lilleund as everyone reported. We all figured that she married Michael Lilleund in Greece since it might be hard for Tara to find yet another dude who is okay with the scent of burnt bacon and deep fried pork buns hitting his nostrils when he titty fucks her. But Tara did it! Tara Tweeted that she married a dude named Zack Kehayov. Tara then Tweeted a picture of her wedding ring which was obviously created just for her by the jeweler to the stars Claire’s.

Michael Lilleund told the Dutch press that he’s way too busy scraping gristle bits and whiskey-marinated skin cheese out of his mouth from licking on Tara’s coochie rinds for months, and he hasn’t seen her since February.

Not much is known about this Zack Kehayov dude. Shit. We don’t even know if his name is really Zack Kehayov. I doubt Tara even knows herself. Even bitch’s ear drums are drunk, so his name could be Jack Carwash Mehoff for all she fucking knows. What we do know about the new Mr. Tara Reid is that he obviously jizzes in his chonies when he chews on bacon fat. Either that or he’s completely blind. For real this time!

via People

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…The Hell Is Going On Here Exactly?

August 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s Halle Berry celebrating her 45th birthday in Malibu yesterday by getting a b-hole full of clothed lady clit. Or maybe Halle’s friend tried to Heimlich the fountain of youth (aka blended dolphin placentas) out of her stomach since that’s obviously what she swallows to stay looking like that. That must be it, because every ho wants a perfect body like Halle’s, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Halle is 45 and has the body of a big-tittied fetus who does crunches in the womb all day. Pretty much every site that posted these pictures slobbered at their finger tips about how Halle has a body that most hos half her age would sell their nipples for. I’m not impressed. You too would have a body like that if you spent your days tensing up your stomach while bitching at Gabriel Aubry over the phone, and spent your nights running from an orgasm-blocking Marmadevil.

Besides, did Halle bounce on the double black dildo machine (aka the elliptical) for half of a Lisa Lisa song yesterday like I did? I thought not. Halle couldn’t have, because she was slacking off with her daughter and Olivier Martinez at the beach! Lazy bitch is lazy!

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