Get Your iPhone Out, Shia’s In Handcuffs!

February 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Shia LaBeouf has a reputation to uphold as the scrappy Boo-Boo Bear of Hollywood who has the ragey spirit of Russell Crowe, so as you may know he got into a bar brawl on Friday night. Now Radar has a riveting video from the scene (above) and the EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE details from the other asshole involved in the beef with LaBeef. And every word that comes out of Mark Mastro’s douche hole makes you inch closer and closer to Shia’s side.

Mark says that he’s always been a fan of Shia’s work (“Dude, I loved you in Even Stevens!“) and so when he saw him boozing at Mad Bull’s Tavern in Sherman Oaks, he took a seat at his table without an invitation and asked for an autograph. Mark explains, “My girlfriend saw Shia, and told me. I wanted to get a picture with him so I went over to his table, sat down next to him, and told him I was a fan of his. I called him Mr. LeBeouf. He didn’t want anything to do with me. He said he just wanted to chill and refused to do a photos. I walked away.”

A little while later, Mark and one of his friends were out on the front patio of the bar when Shia came waltzing out. Mark’s friend said “what’s up” to Shia and he told them to fuck off. Mark then called Shia a “fucking faggot,” which was LaBeef’s cue to curse them all out and charge at them. Shia got in Mark’s face and chest-bumped him. You know, because the best way to prove that you’re not into man-on-man action is to touch nipples with another dude while getting heated in the head. I came.

Mark says that’s when the bouncer bounced in and put Shia in a headlock. A cop happened to be driving by and so he stopped to put Shia in handcuffs. Shia was later released and no arrests were made.

So Mark rudely interrupted Shia’s sweet nectar time and then he called him a fucking faggot? Trying not to sound like a dumb fuck asshole: Mark is doing it totally wrong. That being said, Shia needs to sit on a bong and turn down the RAGE. If Shia really wanted to get those assholes off his dick, he should’ve just pulled out his phone and played one of his movies for them. That’ll clear the room faster than Jessica Simpson farting into a fan. That’s how you really win a fight.

Video via ONTD

Katy Perry’s Tetas Take Mexico City!

February 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Wearing an absolutely elegante ensemble made from the heart shaped satin bed pillows my sister had as a kids and an egg of L’eggs, Katy Perry peddled her new bottle of cat spray in Mexico City. Katy definitely knows her audience, because like the U.S., Mexico loves gigante chichis more than they loved fried dough covered in cinnamon and drugs. If she really wanted her Mexican fans to go loco and explode like a low-hanging piñata, she should’ve sprinkled cinnamon and coke on her chichis. Next time.

And since my thoughts are always wrapped around peen, Katy’s perfume bottle looks like a glass dildo for intermediate level butt sex bottoms. If you’ve ever wanted a pussy in your ass, Katy has just made your dream come true! Now I know what Khia was going on about.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 6, 2011 / Posted by:

In honor of the biggest football game of the year, The Puppy Bowl, and that other game that gives me an excuse to fill my IV with any beer that’s on special and wrap my mouth hole around a bowl of Fritos nachos, let’s pay tribute to the MVP in all our hearts: Becky “Icebox” O’Shea from Little Giants (as played by the now VERY grown up Shawna Waldron). Icebox was the original Shiloh who got shade thrown at her because she liked to tumble in the mud instead of tumble in a hill of doll clothes in her princess themed bedroom. Strangely enough, Icebox didn’t settle down in Ohio with Junior and later become the coach for the Bengals. No, Icebox was the president’s daughter for a quick second before moving to Hollywood to star in such masterpieces as Poison Ivy: The Secret Society and the TV series Ladies Man with Betty White.

Icebox and the other Little Giants should gather together in Dallas today and show those two other teams how shit is really done. GO LITTLE GIANTS! And if I really have to root for a team today, I’ll raise my bong for the Packers, because well….they’re a “fudge” away from being the Fudge Packers. So, goooo PACKERS!

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Birthday Sluts

February 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Zsa Zsa Gabor (94)
Calum Best (30)
Kim Zmeskal (35)
Rick Astley (45)
Axl Rose (49)
Robert Townsend (54)
Kathy Najimy (54)
Natalie Cole (61)
Jim Sheridan (62)
Tom Brokaw (71)
Rip Torn (80)
Mamie Van Doren (80)

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Open Post: Hosted By Carrot Top’s Cream

February 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Millions of Milkshakes and John Travolta’s Scientolohole aren’t the only places for a ho to drop a load of cream in for a dollar. Carrot (Versatile) Top presented his new Carrot Top Sundae at the Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas last night. Part of the proceeds will be donated to Carrot Top’s cousin Ronald McDonald and his house for children. I’ve got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of, but I wouldn’t even sniff on Carrot Top’s cup of sweet cream. That looks like it came from a place I don’t want to know about.

It was probably made with roid pimples, the essence of Jackie Stallone, carrot skin pureed by a garbage disposal, bronzer crust, a clown’s kidney stones, ginger pubes and old Collagen. One sip will have your butt cheeks begging to become one with a toilet seat. Just like what happens when you lick on Carrot Top himself! And yes even after that last sentence, I still would….the dude not the shake (see that part where I said I have no standards to speak of).

Shia LaDouche’s Drunk Ass Got Into A Bar Fight Last Night

February 5, 2011 / Posted by:

The douche nectar that flows through Shia LaBeouf’s veins reaches a boiling point when mixed with booze and that’s exactly what happened last night Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA. Oh, Shia is still that dick bag boyfriend you just know you’re going to be pulling off of another asshole (and not in a sexy way) during a bar fight co-sponsored by the sweet nectar and potent testosterone.

Both Hollyscoop and TMZ say that Shia Saide LaBeouf was briefly put into handcuffs by the LAPD after he got into a bar brawl that was probably more exciting than the last Transformers movie. There’s two sides to this mess of a story. Witnesses at the bar tell TMZ that Shia started acting the fool and got punched in the face by a dude who wasn’t having it. But Shia’s friends say that he was jumped while leaving the bar. Damn. Paying to see Indiana Jones 4 felt like a double punch to the wallet, but there’s no need to return the favor. Or is there?

The police questioned every drunk bitch involved in the fight and later released Shia back into the wild.

Shia + booze + other people will always equal police sirens. Shia was busted a few years ago for DUI and he was also arrested for being an asshole outside of a Walgreens. Shia just needs to put down the bottle, pick up the bong and cool his ass. Or he needs to pay closer attention during fight training so he can actually get a punch in during all these bar fights. Where the hell was Harrison Ford when Shia really needed him?

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