Conan O’Brien Might Quit This Bitch

January 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Yesterday morning, NBC’s Chairman Jeff Gaspin fucked us all with the DUH stick by saying that Jay Leno will move his chin out of the 10pm slot on February 12th. Once the Winter Olympics finishes up, Jay will sit down in his new home at 11:35pm. Jeff went on to say that NBC is hoping Conan O’Brien will stay on as host of The Tonight Show, which will start at 12:05am (more like The Tomorrow Show). Jimmy Fallon’s talk show will shoot itself up in the eyeballs with meth so it can stay awake for the 1:05am slot. However, all of this is up in the air, because Conan has yet to give the thumbs up to it.

The New York Post says that it’s likely Conan will take his thumb and shove it up the peacock’s ass. Last night, Conan apparently had a meeting with FOX about hosting a late-night show there. A source close to Conan said, “This level of shittiness was not expected. He’s done a great job for NBC. He moved his entire staff, he moved his family to LA. And five months later, they repay him like this? Conan would be happier somewhere else.

If the Chicago Sun-Times is right, then it sounds like Conan could be much happier scratching his nalgas on his sofa while catching up on his stories. That’s because if Conan decides to quit NBC and not move to another network, the peacock will have to buy him out of his contract by writing him a check for $80 million ($20 million per year for the remaining 4 years). And even if Conan does go to another network, NBC might still have to cut him a yearly check. Let’s say FOX agrees to pay Conan $10 million a year, NBC will have to put another $10 million in his cleavage to fulfill the terms of his contract with them. Basically, the ginge will still be pissing liquid gold no matter what happens.

If I was Conan, I’d just move my talk show to public access for $1 a year, and air nothing but masturbating bear for a half hour. Actually, scratch that. If anybody wants to watch a bear masturbating for thirty minutes, they’d just tune into NBC at 11:35pm (STARTING THIS MARCH!!!!1!1!!1!).

Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Carmen Lomana – Spanish socialite, an icon to evil bitches everywhere and the premiere cuntress of Spain!

England has Heather Mills, America has Bill O’Reilly, and Spain has Carmen Lomana! We all need a town cunt that we can throw eggs at when they walk down the street, and Carmen is THE ONE in Spain. I’ll let Dlisted reader Mr. Ramos paint Carmen’s portrait for you:

Introducing PETA’s enemy and self-proclaimed gay icon: Sra. Carmen Lomana, Spain’s most controversial milliotard EVAH!! Imagine if a scientist took gene samples of Paris, Nicky, Kim, Brittany Gastineau and Brook Hogan, erased the retarded gene out of the blueprint but left the fabulously cunty, gold digging ones. Add the body of a 50 something year old who has her Plastic Surgeon on speed dial, and VOILA… Hot slut of the month and possibly year 2010.

Why does Carmen deserve her own Spanish postal stamp with the words “THAT BITCH” underneath it? Well, because Carmen is the philosopher of such cunt-covered gems as: “Poor people don’t know what it’s like to be poor, because they are already poor” and “If it’s okay to eat chickens raised in a farm, why isn’t it okay to wear mink raised in a farm“.

Recently, Carmen said that she doesn’t like the gay pride parade, because everyone marches around with “furious vindication.” Yes, Carmen is an equal-opportunity hater.

Heather, Bill, and Carmen should get together and form the United Nations of Cunts.

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Birthday Sluts

January 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Naomi Judd (64)
Jamelia (29)
Nadia Turner (33)
Amanda Peet (38)
Marc Blucas (38)
Mary J. Blige (39)
Kyle Richards (41)
Kim Coles (48)
Vicki Peterson (52)
Alfonso Arau (78)

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The Lucite Belle Of The Porn Ball

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

The AVN Awards, which is the Oscars but with less STDs and more elegance, was held in Las Vegas last night, and of course the Empress of Lucite was the glistening load everybody bathed in. Shauna won several awards including: Best Performance by an Angel in a Staged Sex Tape That Was Leaked On Purpose, Best Performance by a Lucite Heel, Best Religious Experience and Best Horror Movie.

While the other porn starlets wore custom-made gowns from the Flirt Catalog, Shauna kept it real in vintage Fredrick’s of Hollywood. And by “vintage,” I mean it had a few cum stains on the crotch.

The Empress wasn’t going to even bother putting on a dress. Clothes would have gotten in the way when she found herself in a men’s room stall with a strange dude at the end of the night. When Shauna pulled the purple string off one of her ankles, her elegant ensemble came off and an already lubed up condom fell out of her vag.

Here’s more freshwater pearls from last night’s AVNs including: April Flores, Dave Navarro, Lisa Ann, Ron Jeremy, Sasha Grey, a ginge beauty in JLo’s old Grammy dress, and Margaret Cho.

Is This Van Morrison With The Mother Of His Secret Love Child?

January 10, 2010 / Posted by:

UPDATE: Image removed per request from Van’s label. Boo

No, this is not my friend Armando dressed in drag as Eliot Spitzer’s main madam. Also, that’s not an all-grown up Chucky Doll next to her. But now I know what my Halloween costume is going to be this year!!! Anyway, this is supposedly Van Morrison with 42-year-old Gigi Lee. Gigi is the woman (make your own quotation marks here) who was named as the mother to Van Morrison’s newborn baby son.

About a week ago, a message went up on Van’s website announcing that his 64-year-old ass fathered a son with Gigi Lee. The next day, Van claimed that a hacker put up the fake message and he was not a new father. Van went on to say that he had never met this Gigi Lee trick and he is happily married to his wife Michelle. Well, the Daily Mail isn’t going to let Van slip away so easily. According to them, Van knows Gigi Lee very well. In fact, sources say Gigi is the director of 14 of his companies. YES, Gigi is a serious business woman. Isn’t it wonderful that we live in an age where serious business women have faces like a deflated Julie Masking and hair like bleached curly fries? It’s good to be alive.

Gigi’s friends tell the Daily Mail that the two met back in 1998. Since then, Gigi has been bragging to friends about how she’s been carrying on an affair of love with Van. Gigi’s friends also added that Gigi recently moved into a fancy townhouse where she’s planning to raise Baby Van.

So Van says he does not have a baby with Gigi, and the Daily Mail says he does have a baby with Gigi. I don’t know what to believe! However, I won’t be surprised if I read on my RSS feed tomorrow morning: PETE BURNS arrested for stealing a blonde wig, a Benjamin Button’s prop baby from Warner Bros. storage closet, and a drivers license belonging to one Gigi Lee.

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