Get your bomb shelter ready, because the secret ingredients in a missile powerful enough to shoot through the center of the earth might be put together by the satanists in Hollywood. The Los Angeles Times has it on good authority that the Bieb has hopped on his Big Wheel and is circling around a “buddy comedy” co-starring Ashton Kutcher. The Bieb and Ashton are not bringing out their true lesbian selves in a big-screen version of Cagney & Lacey (Hollywood is not THAT smart). This buddy comedy involves holograms not of the Jem! variety.
This soon-to-be soul killing mess is titled “What Would Kenny Do?” and is about a 17-year-old who meets a hologram claiming to be his 30-something year old self. The hologram helps the Bieber weave through the ups and downs of high school.
Millions of toddlers emptied their penny jars out to buy a ticket for the Bieber’s Never Say Never documentary, so Sony believes he can carry a movie. And since The Lesbeaver and Ashton both have hair that will look better on Ellen Page, producers think they are perfect together.
Bieber and Ashton already have somewhat of a working relationship after they met to discuss the possibility of the former hosting an updated version of Punk’d.
Ashton + Bieber + Holograms = Do Not Want. Type that equation into any calculator and you’ll get the same answer. I mean, was a newly christened douche bottle not available to play Ashton’s younger self? The image of Justin Bieber and a Hologram Ashton Kutcher bonding in a high school gym locker room is most likely what Calvin Tran saw when he uttered the classic words: “Oh here go hell come.”
You know that feeling when someone you truly love with whatever is left of your heart and soul says something hurtful, confusing and a little threatening? Like when you were in high school and your parents told you not to fuck or snort coke under their roof. Yeah, like that. Well, that feeling slithered into my skin holes this morning when Prince Hot Ginge said the three dreaded words NOBODY wants to hear. No, I’m not talking about the words “I can’t cum” or “it’s last call.” I’m talking about: OVER THE MOOOOOOOON. How could the sparkle that makes my peen hole wink hurt all of us so!?Not only did he hurt us, but he also hurt the sun by bringing up the moon’s name. Because we all know that PHG is a piece of the sun that fell to the earth one morning. What does it look like when the sun frowns, because it’s going to be doing a lot of that today.
During an interview in Norway with Good Morning America for his Walking with the Wound trek through the North Pole, PHG dropped an OTM bomb when describing how his father feels about Prince William getting married. At the 5:40 mark below:
As much as it hurts, I will forgive PHG for this (BIG OF ME, I know). It’s colder than a Nicole Kidman stare in Norway right now, so maybe the elements are fucking with his brains. The part of his brain marked “things you don’t say in public” temporarily got mixed up with the part marked “things you do say in public” (examples: “kittens are cute” and “I only do gay sex stuff with American hapas”).
I’m glad we worked this out, because I really didn’t want to make my PHG cardboard cutout sleep on the couch tonight.
Since Enrique has dropped off Britney’s tour, the Kardashian sisters will be performing their ceremonial mating dance as opening act instead. – jsanto24
Rachel Zoe’s dance review still needs to lose a few pounds. – Snarkley
these are not the skeletons I expected the Jonas Bros. to have in their closets. – SpiceDong
Collagen Westwood (totally her real born name), a 21 year-old lesbian from London who has spent thousands of pounds to look like she’d fit right in sipping an Absolut cocktail in the Interior Illusions lounge. While some drag artists tuck, pluck and wax themselves to look like bio ladies, Collagen is a bio lady who wants to look like a dude who is trying to look like a glamorous goddess. Think Victor/Victoria meets a My Little Pony-themed rave meets the make-up shoe box of Mimi from Drew Carey meets the Empress of Lucite.
Collagen stuffs her lips with her namesake and got a nose job to look as plastic as possible. She’s also hoping to save enough money to get a pair of titty sacks installed in her chest and remove a rib or two so that she can fit into tiny corsets. Collagen counts Pete Burns, Lily Savage and Boy George as some of her beauty idols and loves it when people mistake her for a dude in drag. Collagen tells the Daily Mail, “I’ve admired drag queens since I was a little girl. They’re glamorous and beautiful – what woman wouldn’t want to look like that? I have a couple of different wigs that I wear when I go out, and people are always assuming I’m a transvestite. I love it when people mistake me for a man. It doesn’t offend me – I think drag queens look fantastic.”
The world would be a better place if everyone looked like they were about to lip synch for their lives, so I’m all for Collagen plasticizing her insides to fulfill her dream even though I’m pretty sure RuPaul would promptly tell her to sashay away with that kitchen ass egg yolk wig. But Collagen needs to slip out from under the plastic surgeon’s knife for a second and figure out her tuck situation. Do they make flaccid dildo strap-ons? Because the only way I’ll accept Collagen as a drag queen, is if she straps on and tucks under.
Ewan McGregor (40)
Jessica Szohr (26)
Josh Saviano (35)
Samantha Brown (41)
Deborah Kara Unger (47)
Tony Cox (53)
Angus Young (56)
Al Gore (63)
Rhea Perlman (63)
Valerie Curtin (66)
Gabe Kaplan (67)
Christopher Walken (68)
Richard Chamberlain (77)
Shirley Jones (77)
It was LIT-ERALLY 5 seconds ago (6 days, to be exact exact) when Rachel “Chupa” Zoe sneezed out little Bananas Chanel (birth certificate name: Skyler Morrison Bergman) and he’s already in front of a camera. Chupa posted this picture of her husband Harry Bieber and their child baby on her website today. Most babies look like golden raisins with tiny faces to me, so there’s not much to comment on there. But I’m a little disappointed that he’s wearing a plain onesie instead of McQueen lobster claw booties, a chinchilla vest and sunglasses bigger than his face. I mean, at least tell me that onesie is a reworked vintage Halston disco gown! Chupa, you disappoint!