Robbie Williams Is Shooting Himself Up With Testosterone

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Proud man slut and overall spaz ball Robbie Williams had a talk with Esquire UK and mouth farted about everything from dudes have a “Built to Fuck” label tattooed on the inside of their dicks and how he regularly gets injects himself with Khloe Kardashian serum due to the lack of testosterone in his body.

Robbie’s interviews are always a mess and this one’s no exception. It’s like he’s on the verge of jizzing, but the interviewer is pinching his peen hole so he’s trying to get his thoughts out as quickly as possible. Anybody who has gotten an important phone call in the middle of jacking off knows what I’m talking about.

Here’s what Robbie had to say about all sorts of shit. The quotes will fly by if you picture the interviewer’s pinky in Robbie’s peen hole.

On how he traded in human growth hormones injections for some MAN JUICE and it’s helping his chronic lethargy: “To cut a long story short I went to get some HGH. It’s what all the old fellas are on out there in LA that’s making them look 40 instead of 60. It’s improving their health, their memory, their hair, skin. Could give you cancer. I weighed that up. Thought I’d have it anyway. Went to see a Hollywood doctor. Had my blood tests. Went back. He said, ‘You don’t need HGH. You’ve got the testosterone of a 100-year-old man.’ And then everything made sense. It was kind of an epiphany that day.”

On how monogamy doesn’t make sense: “The rules aren’t set up right. Because people are fucking outside of their marriages, outside of their relationships. People get caught out every single week in the newspapers. What does that mean? I think that means we’re built to fuck. And marriage, that whole institution, is made-up bull. I am pleased there is a media waiting for me to fuck up because it keeps me on the straight and narrow. But if it wasn’t for jealousy and social constraints, I think the rules would be different.”

On if he cheats on his wife: “Actually, no, because I don’t want to break Ayda’s heart. That’s the last thing I want to do. I met Ayda, I fell in love, that’s what happened. But I would be way more tempted because at the end of the day I am a man, with the stuff that makes you a man – go forth and multiply. And multiply with absolutely everyone.”

On how he regularly takes long walks and watches old movies with Granny Smith Apples: “I feel more emotionally connected to this apple than I do to a person I’ve just slept with. Women reading that will think that’s awful. But that’s what men are made of.”

On if he wants kids: “I get a lot of time off and I love fannying about. Play Football Manager, write songs, look on the internet for conspiracy theories, hang out, live in the sun. It’s a wonderful life of getting up when I want, going to sleep when I want. A kid will fuck that up.”

What I’m getting from this interview is that I should I pour testosterone cream into my morning coffee instead of illegal meth. I’m also getting that you should never try the apple cobbler at Robbie’s house, because I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on his wife with a Honeycrisp.

via The Sun

One Thing I’ve Learned From The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Poster

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

This is the international poster for The Girl with the Puff the Magic Dragon Tattoo and it has opened my eyes to one thing: the classic black censor box can officially retire. The black censor box has protected our children’s eyes from lady nipples for years and it’s served us well. But there’s a new nipple-shielding sheriff in town. I’m talking about Daniel Craig’s arm. Daniel Craig’s arm is an effective nipple blocker and it’s attached to Daniel Craig. Is the black censor box attached to Daniel Craig? Exactly.

This is a win/win for everybody. It’s a win for followers of the THINK OF THE CHILDREN movement. It’s also a win for topless sluts. Even the biggest topless slut out there won’t mind her nipples getting blocked if Daniel Craig’s arm did the blocking.

Yes, I think Daniel Craig’s arm unsuccessfully blocked Rooney Mara’s right nipple, but he’s still in training. Give him time.


OctoMom Will Have To Find A New Crooked Doctor To Stuff Her With Embryos

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Paul Stanley’s got some serious guns, right?

Wannabe OctoMoms in California who want to bedazzle their uterus with dozens of fertilized embryos have less than a week to do it. Because on July 1st, OctoMom’s fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava (Reason #465 for why all Michael Ks are shifty sluts who are allergic to morals), will lose his right to practice medicine. The California Medical Board ruled that Dr. Kamrava “committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence” in three cases including OctoMom’s. One 42-year-old patient was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after IVF treatments and another 48-year-old patient had severe complications after she got knocked up with quadruplets.

People reports that California Medical Board declared that Dr. Kamrava should’ve immediately referred OctoMom to the nearest crazy house instead of overcrowding her womb. And because he didn’t do that, OctoMom’s psychotic gene tripled in size every time a baby was pulled out of her body. Dr. Kamrastein is guilty of creating a baby-hoarding monster.

Like a little thing calling “losing his medical license” is going to keep Dr. Kamrava from getting his embryo stuffing kicks. This sick ass bitch has probably already set up an underground fertility clinic in the studio apartment of a dilapidated complex located on a deserted block in the San Fernando Valley. He’s got the turkey basters and mini fridge ready to go! Now he just has to post a Craigslist ad asking for willing participants for his human pregnant centipede experiment. Why did I go there? Excuse me while I wrap a straitjacket around my imagination.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

The Tape JLo Doesn’t Want You To See Is Coming Soon

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

JLo has spent the last two years trying to sit her 12-layer ass on a private tape she made with her first husband Ojani Noa during their honeymoon and a judge ruled last week that she has no case. This ruling opened the door to the ho stroll and now Ojani Noa can peddle that shit on the auction block. Ojani originally spouted some complete crap about how he wanted to use the footage in a mockumentary on his life, but now he’s wiped the bullshit from the inside of his mouth and making it clear that he’s selling the tape for a quick check. Ojani’s financial situation is about as thirstay as Skeletor’s bones, so what’s a shameless douche bubble who doesn’t want to get a job to do?!

NowPublic says that several porn websites have held up their paddle in a bid to win the tape and the bidding war is currently at $40,000. The reason why there aren’t more zeroes in that number is because this tape stars JLo and the year is 2011, not 2001. The tape also doesn’t have any traces of sex shit and she barely flashes her nalgas. If you shoved your face in a platter full of Hawaiian bread, you’d probably get a stronger tingle than you would from watching JLo’s non-sex tape. Hell, just thinking about shoving my face in a platter full of Hawaiian bread is making my wet parts coo. And just thinking about JLo’s non sex-tape is making my wet parts want to do something that rhymes with coo.

My question is, why doesn’t JLo just pay Ojani off? The jar of whipped dolphin ovaries she smears on her body every day costs more than $40,000, so it’s not like she doesn’t have the money. Maybe she has and Ojani turned her down, because he’s hoping that a big Hollywood movie director will see the tape and cast him as a grown Chaka in the next Land of the Lost movie. I don’t know. But I do know that 1997 was a wonderful year for lard-based hair gel, but an awful year for eyebrows.


Blake Lively Is In None Of These Pictures

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Blake Lively’s rep has yet to comment on these new set of pictures featuring a trick who is obviously not Blake Lively. But we can assume that she’d say that the iPhone ho in these pictures is not her client Blake Lively. That face above that looks like a Himalayan kitten who came out of the womb too soon, that face does not belong to Blake Lively! Those fake star tattoos that look just like the tattoos Blake Lively wore in The Town, they aren’t on the body of Blake Lively. It might be Ben Affleck in a Blake Lively skin suit, but it’s not Blake Lively herself. Blake Lively would never spend her downtime on a movie set taking nekkid ass nekkid pictures of herself in the bathroom mirror and on a hotel bed. This is not Blake Lively in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Nips, obviously.

But seriously, this really is a fun game that we can all play! Why let Blake Lively have all the fun? Lindsay Lohan should suck on that bottle of vodka out in the open and say that it’s not vodka! It’s court-approved distilled water. John Travolta should French kiss that peen in his trailer without locking the door and if he gets caught, he say with a straight-for-pay face, “This is not a penis.” If only Anthony Weiner (or Antsized Weiner as my friend calls him) knew about this game earlier. When all else fails, use the Blake Lively defense!

And if you want to see more NSFW picture of Not Blake Lively and her Serena van der Boobies, click here. Who ever leaked these pictures wrote the text. I am a little disappointed that text on the pictures doesn’t read: GREEN LANTERN JUNE 17TH! Missed opportunity.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 1st!

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Rimmel London’s new ad featuring Kate Moss. “Get the London look because you’re worth it, my precioussssss.” – TheHeckler


#1 reason why Rachel Zoe’s child does not like to play peekaboo. – seejaneclick

Not to be outdone by Blake Lively, Leanne Rhimes “leaks” her own nude photos. – bridgjones

A rare look at Madonna in the wild hunting for her next virgin sacrifice. – Raquin

via Break

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