The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice took a little time out from romancing his foot massager to shoot the glitter with Chelsea Handler last night. After Johnny admitted that he’s not exactly skipping through lavender fields with his arch rival Evan Lysacek, he insinuated that Lysacek likes the dick by throwing a big wink at Chelsea.
It’s fitting that Johnny said it with a wink, because my no-no winks, too, at the mention of Evan Lysacek’s name. Clip beeeelow:
Tampons are having the worst month ever. First came the tale of Terry Richardson’s love of tampon tea, and now here’s a story from Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods’ tango with a tampon. The tampon in question belonged to Mindy Lawton who just had to pose with a cherry in her mouth. This bitch.
Mindy, who has always been my favorite member of Tiger Woods’ pack of whores, tells Vanity Fair that she first met him while serving tables at Perkin’s. Even though Tiger only tipped Mindy 15% every time he came in, she still accepted his invitation when he asked her out. They ended up consummating their new love on his kitchen floor. Mindy went on to say that over the next few months, Tiger would say “jump” and she would spread her legs. Tiger wanted to fuck all the damn time no matter what obstacles got in his way. And by “obstacles,” I mean Mindy’s used tampon:
Another time, he insisted on meeting her right before a big golf tourney in 2007. “He wanted that last piece of booty before he could go to his tournament. To make him shoot better,” she said.
They met in a parking lot. She said she told him she was having her period and asked if they could avoid intercourse. But Tiger would not be denied, Lawton said. She said they started going at it next to the golfer’s Cadillac SUV. “He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade,” she said. “He did it from the back.”
MINDY! How could she let a bitch who only tips her 15% stir her crotchberry jam without a condom?! If I had any respect for Mindy, I would’ve tossed it into the compost pile after reading that mess. And it gets worse….
After they left, Lawton claims, reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following her, picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story exposing Woods’s infidelity. When the tabloid contacted one of Lawton’s relatives, Lawton texted Tiger in a panic, and he put her in touch with Mark Steinberg. “That’s when their brush-under-the-rug, the cover-up, happened,” Lawton says, referring to a deal that the Enquirer allegedly made with Tiger’s handlers to hold the adultery story in exchange for Woods’s giving an exclusive interview to its sister publication Men’s Fitness. (A spokesperson for The National Enquirer denies that the paper held the Lawton story in exchange for an exclusive on Tiger.)
So the next time you start feeling hate for your job, just think about the poor bitch whose job it is to pick up used tampons in parking lots.
If you want to read a few more stories from Vanity Fair’s special “Whores Tell All” issue, click here.
Proving that ladies really are suckers for an adorable baby, the star of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber left the Black Eyed Peas concert last night with a chick the paps described as his “girlfriend.”
Justin is the hardest working toddler in the game, so he deserves a little down time with the ladies. But did Justin really have to go with a Jerseylicious extra who dresses like a trampy South Florida nana going to Kroger’s for lemon pies and Monistat. I mean, brown shoes with that outfit?! I shouldn’t judge. Maybe Justin likes the “choo choo” noises she makes when spoon feeding him.
Thanks to Life & Style, I will never be able to enjoy the tastes of the rainbow without thinking about Jesse James’ foursome that involved Skittles and a latex glove. You’ve gone too far when you start to taint the delicious taste of fruit candies.
The good news is that Vanilla Gorilla was not using Skittles as anal beads. I know that’s where your filthy brain went. Apparently, VG had a foursome with some trick named Skittles Valentine (bitch obviously got that name from the drag queen name generator), her boyfriend Eric MacDougall, and Bombsite McGee. Eric tells Life & Style that they all got down and dirty after a tattoo festival in San Diego last June.
Bombshit brought VG into Eric’s tattoo shop to get his octopus tattoo filled in. One thing led to another, and the four found themselves creating new types of STDs in the back room. Skittles says, “Eric and I were having sex, so we switched off, and Jesse and I had sex. I had an awesome time. I think Jesse is so cute.” Just when you think it couldn’t get trashier, the fuck games ended when Bombskank beat on Skittles for spending too much time with Vanilla Gorilla. Is Seth MacFarlane producing foursomes now?
And what about that latex glove? Eric says that although they didn’t use protection, he might have used a latex glove as a condom. Eric explains, “I don’t know. Sometimes as a last-case scenario I tie a latex glove finger off.”
So basically, Eric is trying to tell you to never ever have sex with him no matter what. First of all, your genitals will end up with the sicks if you do. Second of all, Eric’s peen must be Jon Gosselin-sized if he can fit it into the finger of a latex glove. Skittles can keep him.
And in case you need a visual, here’s a beautiful picture of Eric and Skittles. Yup, Skittles really does love her Skittles.
Heil to the no! The much talked about photo of Jesse James giving the Nazi salute has arrived courtesy of
SS US Weekly. And because Jesse really wanted to make his kids proud, he wore an SS officer’s hat while sticking an open palm up Hitler’s ass. Just in time for Passover. Pass the brisket.
According to UsWeekly (via ONTD), the picture was taken back in 2004 while he was dating Sandra Bullock. VG’s friends say he isn’t on David Duke’s Fav 5. They say VG took the picture for “shock value.” If this picture wasn’t meant for public eyes, who exactly is he trying to shock? This fucktard probably surrounds himself with morons who think shit like this is entertaining, so how is it pearl-clutching? No wonder Cinnabun keeps trying to quit his ass. I always knew deep down she was kosher. And Vanilla Gorilla and John Mayer’s white supremacist dick should really do a reality show together.
In other VD (on purpose typo) news, Vanilla Gorilla has copied Tiger Woods’ douche moves by checking into rehab for sex addiction. TMZ reports that VG is a patient at Sierra Tuscon in Arizona. They even spoke to Sierra Tuscon’s receptionist who confirmed that VG is a patient there. I can also confirm that Sierra Tuscon’s former receptionist (let’s call her Crystal) is now standing in the back of the unemployment line this morning.
While I do believe that sex addiction is a real thing, I don’t think Vanilla Gorilla suffers from that shit. Dude is just a straight up cheating whore who likes to eat Nazi poon as if it was the last day of the war. Nothing more, nothing less. If being a whore with no morals means you have a case of chronic dickmatization (or vagmatization), then all of us should be in rehab. Wait. If all us whores were in rehab, we wouldn’t have to spends hours on Craigslist looking for a piece. Rehab would be like an all-you-can-fuck buffet. Grab your lube bag, and let’s go!