Giving Chester Cheetah his fapping material for the week (How do you think Velveeta sauce is made?), Brit Brit hit a beach in Hawaii yesterday wearing a delicious Cheetokini. Brit Brit’s Coke can holder/boyfriend Sam Merlotte Extra Light escorted her since Daddy Spears opted to go to the nekkid beach instead.
Brit Brit’s weave doesn’t look like a plate of fried straw potatoes with crusty mushroom gravy on top, so I’m just going to auto-tune the hate and say she looks good! See, I can play nice (as I chew the tippity tips of my fingers off).
Here’s THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Elin Nordegren letting her inner Rona Barrett come out and pose on the cover of this week’s People Magazine. The “hand to face” pose was an excellent choice, because it says “I’m thinking…..about all the fucking zeroes in my savings account.” Elin gave her first and only interview to People before she grabs her kids and retreats into her shiny Florida kingdom made from the tears falling out of Tiger Woods’ checking account.
I figured that as soon as Elin collected her $100+ million divorce settlement, she would be forced to keep her lips shut to the media about anything Tiger Woods-related, but I guess not. Elin tells People that she was as shocked as everyone else to learn that her husband was out fucking like Wilt Chamberlain after a Viagra overdose. Elin says that she has taken a stroll through Hades (Satan asked her to say “Hiya, Sugartits” to Mel Gibson for him), but now she’s in better place. What she means is nothing dries tears like a crisp $100 bill! And here’s a few quotes.
Elin on all the shit that has fallen on her shoulders: “I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You’re struggling because it wasn’t real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”
Elin on finding out that Tiger was crowned Mister Man Whore 2009-10: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. For the last three years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”
Elin quoting a Britney Spears song: “I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself.”
Elin on how she’s going to soak her sadness in a bowl of liquefied gold: “My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal.”
Elin on why she Ike Turnered Tiger’s SUV that night: “There was never any violence inside or outside our home. The speculation that I would have used a golf club to hit him is just truly ridiculous. I did everything I could to get him out of the locked car. To think anything else is absolutely wrong.”
Elin on how she wishes Tiger the best: “I know he is going to go down
on every waitress in the 407as the best golfer that ever lived, and rightfully so. I feel privileged to have witnessed a part of his golfing career.”
Let’s all tap a spoon on our plastic crystal wine flutes for Elin keeping it classy. That being said, I’m a little disappointed that the People cover doesn’t feature Elin holding a diamond-covered dildo in front of a stuffed toy tiger with dollars falling out of its ass. The tagline could’ve read: “Now who’s getting fucked, bitch”. Not as classy as the “hand to face” pose, but it’s a close second!
Just like I thought, The Speidi sex tape features a skinny little pole and a shitload of plastic. – PrezidentLeila
A close-up of a condom used by Larry King reveals that his sperm cells are so old they can shower themselves. – Mother Superior
Young Tiger Woods shook his Ho Globe and watched as the naked hookers bounced back and forth in the glass. – WhiskeyTango
After the divorce, Elin bought herself an island and used it to store some of Tiger’s possessions. – Datura
No, this is not a picture of Vadge in all her glory! It’s the world famous Lucky Vagina Tree of Thailand!
Several villagers somehow made out the numbers “0-0-8″ on the sparkling mound and played the numbers to victory in the local lottery! Villagers have kept their eyes on the chocha tree hoping that it will develop another lucky sparkling sore, but so far it hasn’t had another breakout.
A fist-sized sparkling mound could only mean one thing, RPattz didn’t use a rubber before he humped on that tree. AGAIN! This is going to drive the Twihards into further hysteria, because now they know that even the genital warts Edward Cullen gives you are made of magic!
(Image via Tabloid Prodigy)
Alexander Skarsgård (34)
Alexandra Burke (22)
Blake Lively (23)
Rachel Bilson (29)
Kel Mitchell (32)
Jo Dee Messina (40)
Claudia Schiffer (40)
Cameron Mathison (41)
Rachael Ray (42)
Blair Underwood (46)
Billy Ray Cyrus (49)
Tim Burton (52)
Elvis Costello (56)
Gene Simmons (61)
David Canary (72)
Tom Skerritt (77)
Regis Philbin (79)
Sean Connery (80)
Monty Hall (89)
All back alley pharmacists are lining the streets of Hollywood and the coke dealers can quit the part-time jobs they were forced to take at 7-Elven when Lindsay Lohan went into rehab, because she’s baaaaaack! And she is fully recharged! Radar reports that LiLo was released from the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital tonight after serving just 22 days out of her 90 day sentence.
LiLo’s doctors suggested to the judge that she be released from rehab early, because they don’t think her issues are that serious (aka they are sick of dealing with her ass). Judge Elden Fox agreed and he opened LiLo’s cage door. Justice fucking served on the rocks with a sprinkling of crushed Dilaudid on top!
Cut to White Oprah dancing all night, because now that her main ho is out on the stroll she no longer has to pay for her pills with freezer burned Fudgie the Whales:
LiLo will get outpatient treatment indefinitely and a hearing is schedule for tomorrow.
Speaking of getting fucked up like a Lohan out of rehab, we should all pour anything mind-altering into our kombucha tea to deal with all the interviews that will follow. Every single Lohan is going to spill their delusions to any bitch who waves a cashiers check in their face. Seriously, I heard that Nana Lohan has already given a tell-all interview to the LI PennySaver.