I live in a world (Boston) in which Tom Brady can do no wrong. Tom Brady could be mean to Betty White and he’d still remain beloved here in the Hub. Tom Brady had this hairstyle and his every word and action is still celebrated. Let’s put it this way – he’s a Trump fan and people still adore him. The following video is going to be porn to a lot of horny Bostonian Brady fans. Ben Affleck has already adjourned to a private corner of his mansion with his smartphone to enjoy this.

Dude won’t go near a strawberry but candy’s on the menu. Strawberries should take this weirdness personally.

Here’s Tom eating candy in slow motion.

Joe Jonas is deep into the “I’ve Got A Big Dick And I’ve Used It, Damnit!” 2016 Press Tour. He’s already found it necessary to fuck-and-tell about losing his V-card to Ashley Greene (she appreciated it) and now he’s revealed to Notion (via People) that his dad once caught him using the Jonas family computer for jerking off purposes. Your dad’s a guy, Joe. I hate to tell you this but he was probably booting up the pc that time for the same purpose. This is why everybody needs their own laptops when their kids hit puberty. Crossing familial porn streams is gross. I have two brothers. I know what I’m talking about.

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Motley Crue doesn’t deserve the umlaut over “Crue” when their lead singer is treating women like pull-toys. Vince Neil, 55, has pled guilty to misdemeanor battery in regards to that charming incident last April where he used a woman’s hair as a handy way to yank her ass to the ground.

Billboard reports that he submitted his plea in writing and didn’t appear in court. He has to pay a $1,000 fine, go to something called impulse control counseling, and “stay out of trouble” for six months. “Impulse control counseling” sounds like sort of a minor reprimand for portly lead singers who aren’t recognizing that the heavy metal vomit party ended around the time Nirvana’s Nevermind came out. No word yet on whether or not the victim’s lawsuit against him (she filed in July) has been settled.

At least he hasn’t been legally prohibited from hanging out with the two mega-celebrities he was with at the time of this mess. One of the more eccentric actors in Hollywood, Nicolas Cage, will luckily emerge from this incident unscathed. Nic was inexplicably accompanying Vince on the day in question and Vince was reportedly set off when the victim came up to say she was a fan of Nic and leaving out Vince’s name. It sounds like Vince’s “impulse control” issue might have a lot to do with no one looking to get inside the “Home Sweet Home” in his spandex performin‘ pants anymore.

Pic: WENN

Salma Hayek has a story about Donald Trump where he comes off as sleazy and vindictive. There’s the line, Salma. It’s pretty long. Hope you have a FastPass.

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From where shall I get all of my celebrity signed off on rosé wine now? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are deep in the throes of drama-free (*chuckle*) divorcing and the next piece of their previous life together to go will be their $60 million dollar estate and vineyard in Correns, France. UsWeekly is reporting that Brad and Angie have put Château Miraval up for sale. I like to drink wine. Does anyone have $60 million on them?

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Crystal Connors!

While doing my post on the Obamas’ last state dinner (the one where Michelle Obama wore a stunning Ver-sayce), I did some serious investigative journalism work by reading over the guest list. My eyes were splashed with holy water (aka champagne) when I read the name: CRYSTAL CONNORS.

In my head, Cristal Connors from Showgirls is a real person who exists in this world, so I figured that some uneducated intern misspelled her name and she was at that state dinner. I pictured a diamond-encrusted Cristal Connors complimenting Michelle Obama on her gorgeous Ver-sayce, darlin’, before going off to one of the side bars to do body shots with Blake Shelton.

But that Cristal Conners wasn’t at the state dinner. There’s another Crystal Connors in this world and I don’t know much about her. I know that her man is billionaire hedge fund manager James Chanos (whose name came up in the Eliot Spitzer call girl SCANDAL) so she goes to a lot of those fancy political parties. I also know that she and bronzer are always one. But beyond that, I don’t know much and really, I don’t need to.

The only thing I really need to know is that her name is: CRYSTAL CONNORS. If you came at me and said that she was once arrested for trying to set fire to an animal shelter and she was wearing CROCs while doing so, I’d think for a minute before saying, “Okay, but her name is Crystal Connors.”

Pic: Bloomberg