Khloe Kardashian Has Klearly Learned Nothing From Kim’s Robbery
Shortly after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, sources were saying that Kim was blaming herself for being herself (aka shamelessly flaunting her jewels on social media). Whatever chemicals Khloe Kardashian has been injecting into her face must have seeped into her brain and ate the part responsible for making smart decisions, because last night she flaunted her jewels on Instagram. Slow-é strikes again!
Jeff Lewis Is Officially Somebody’s Father Now
Anybody who watched Bravo’s Flipping Out last season knows that Jeff Lewis and his partner Gage Edward (or as Zoila, and now I, call him “Barbie Bitch”) were getting ready to add another human to their full house of neurotic madness. Jeff Lewis has always seemed as paternal as a male grizzly bear (male grizzly bears hate all children) to me, but he and Barbie Bitch seemed excited about raising a child together. And that child is now here. Last night, Jeff announced on Instagram that their surrogate gave birth to their first child, a girl. Sadly, Jeff and Barbie Bitch didn’t name their daughter Zoila Jenni (Z.J. for short).
I’m going to choose to believe that Jeff and Barbie Bitch named their daughter after Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort and NOT after Marilyn. That is the only reason to name your child Monroe.
Some say that becoming a parent mellows you out and to those people, I say, you must not know any parents. Because nearly every parent I know is stressed out, worn out and screaming for Calgon to take them away. But maybe being a father will mellow Jeff out. If it doesn’t and Baby Monroe picks up on some of her daddy’s behavior, then I’m sure her first complete sentence will be, “Goddammit, Zoila, you messed up the lunch order AGAIN!”
Pic: Instagram
ScarJo Vs. JLaw: The Battle Of The Zelda Fitzgerald Biopics
The Hollywood Reporter says that biopics about 1920s jazz legend Zelda Fitzgerald are so in right now, because there are currently two biopics about her in production, one starring popcorn mogul Scarlett Johansson and one starring sassy nacho burp Jennifer Lawrence.
DCFS Is Now Investigating Brangelina’s Entire Family And Other Possible Incidents
The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services was mainly looking at Brad Pitt’s alleged drunken meltdown on a plane and his side tried to convince everyone that it was a one-time thing, but after talking to the kids and Angelina Jolie, DCFS has reportedly opened up their investigation and are now passing their magnifying glasses over other incidents that may have gone down. Yup, this mess got messier…
Ciara Confirms That She’s Pregnant With Russell Wilson’s Baby
After dropping little hints, like doing the classic hand-over-bump pose at an event last week, Ciara has gone ahead and confirmed what everyone already assumed. That her husband of three months Russell Wilson had sprayed her reproductive goodies with his Jesus-loving sperm and made a baby with her. Ciara took a break from celebrating her 31st birthday last night to announce on Instagram that she was going to be a mom for the second time. That Lifetouch-looking pregnancy portrait you see above was accompanied by the following caption:
“On this special Birthday I received an abundance of love from friends and family…and I’m excited to Finally share one of the Greatest Gifts of All that God could give….?????☺️❤️”
Russell Wilson posted the same picture but changed his caption to: “The Greatest Blessing of All. Forever Grateful. #BabyWilsonOnTheWay.” This will be 27-year-old Russell’s first kid. Ciara has a two-year-old son, Future Zahir, that she made with (and is currently caught in the middle of a messy lawsuit fight with) her ex-fiancé Future. Why do I get the feeling that Future’s baby shower gift to Russell will be a copy of What To Expect When Your Baby Mama Sues You and Tries To Get Sole Custody of Your Kid.
I’m a little surprised Ciara got knocked up with Russell’s baby so quickly. Ciara and Russell finally got to have sex a little over three months ago after being abstinent for a long-ass time. Russell’s sperm hadn’t been inside a lady for so long that I expected it was going to take at least six months of acting like easily-distracted tourists before one of them stopped sightseeing around Ciara’s business and made its way to the egg.
Pic: Instagram
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The performant artist tree who got arrested for blocking traffic in Portland, Maine!
Portland, Maine threw its hat of foolery into the ring for the title of the Florida of New England on Monday afternoon when police had to deal with the people screaming, “Leaf the poor sap alone!”, at them as they arrested a walking tree. WCHS6 (via Buzzfeed) brought us the important news of a 30-year-old dude in tree drag who held up cars at the intersection of Congress and High (“high” is right) Streets by walking real slow across the crosswalk. Trees can’t walk, but if they could, they’d probably walk real slow, so this crazy dude’s impersonation was spot-on. The police didn’t appreciate it, though, and they told him to get his fir-ey ass out of the street. At first he listened to them, but then he went all, “Hell no, tree won’t go,” when he went back to the crosswalk. So the cops handcuffed his branches (I’m guessing) and arrested him.