Raindrops Are Not Falling On Claudia Schiffer’s Head

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Claudia Schiffer took her child to school in London this morning when the angels high up above caught a glimpse of the always beautiful Amy Wino with (NSFW) a hairy eye patch and a nipple out and they started to slobber drops of saliva everywhere. Claudia immediately rang up her driver/umbrella holder to pick her up, because she WILL LOSE EVERYTHING if rain falls on her head. Rain will ruin her golden locks, which will cost her a multi-million dollar L’Oreal contract, which will leave her homeless, and then where will she be?!

Not only that, but a toxic rain drop could dive into her Starbucks straw and poison her! She’s like half-unicorn or something, so she’s super fragile. Before you start bitching about how she should probably hold her own umbrella, look at that picture again. Claudia is carrying a huge Starbucks cup and an even bigger purse. And she’s doing both of those things while trying to look gorgeous as all hell. What more do you want from her? A person can only do so much!!

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Afternoon Crumbs

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Victoria Silvstedt thinks she’s got this shot and the ho is sorely mistaken. Step to the right, Vicky! – Buzzfeed

Nothing gets between Mimi and her 6-inch heels….except pregnancy – Lainey Gossip

It looks like somebody’s going to have neck-chest-belly-chain tan line – The Superficial

Funny or Die’s resident player James Van Der Beek gives you dad’s answer to mom jeans – Towleroad

Megan Fox just randomly hanging out in a hotel hallway (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Kendra “I HAZ IT SO HARDZ” Wilkinson at a Cover Girl event – Hollywood Tuna

Ever dreamed about getting your ass whipped by John Mellencamp? Just call his cell phone and tell him you’re from the Enquirer – Celebitchy

Moments after the band announced that special guest Ke$ha would be joining them on stage for the next song – TDW

Photoshop had a mostly busy year – The Berry

Raggedy Rihanna wearing some kind of daisy dukes/leather leggings hybrid – Popoholic

Latarian Milton: The Later Years – NYC Barstool Sports

Amanda Seyfried to Ryan Phillipe: “But don’t fuck my wig up.” – Popsugar

Jane Krakowski’s womb is otherwise occupied – ICYDK

Reese Witherspoon and MiserAlba are friends in real life, apparently – Just Jared

Where the hell are we? – Cityrag

SPF better swallow that candy before KWellFed steals it for himself – Hollywood Rag

Coolio’s hairline ends up on a milk carton, along with his career – Crunk + Disorderly

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Brooklyn Style, Bitch!

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

I was going to post something about last night’s episode of The Fake-Tanned Genital Wart Hour of Fun, but I’ve decided to go with this piece of reality instead. You’d think girl-on-girl action at the Munch Time Diner would make Queen Latifah close the door and open up her special drawer, but definitely not this time.

Animal New York says that all hyena hell broke loose when a cell phone went missing at the Bronx’s Munch Time Diner last Sunday. Thongs were exposed! Heels went into faces! Glamorous outfits were ruined! It’s like if they ran out of Ritalin and tranquilizers at a child beauty pageant. I’m serious about the glamorous outfits part too. As soon as the rojo-head at the end of the clip gets out of the ICU, she’ll be ready for the fucking runway in that ensemble.

And all through the clip, one of them keeps screaming “Brooklyn style, bitch!” on a loop. I wonder if she teaches the art of “Brooklyn Style, Bitch!” fightin’ at the Y? Since I live in Brooklyn now, I should probably learn its fightin’ style. You know, just in case I ever lose my cell phone at the Munch Time Diner in the Bronx and have to call it by banging a trick’s head into the payphone. Or something.

Yeah, I’m definitely going to learn “Brooklyn Style, Bitch.” My opponents never take me seriously during a fight when I scream at them, “It’s Kingdom of Caring style, bitch!

via Gawker TV

Open Post: Hosted By Jakey On The Subway

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Jake Gyllenhaal no longer has a reserved seat on the subway train that circles Taylor Swift’s heart (#1 “Subway Train Around My Heart” – Taylor Swift), but he will forever have a place on the Q Train. FuckedinParkSlope caught Jakey leaning against a pole while looking at porn on his phone like real people do! And yes, I know dozed off dude in the yellow hood perfectly sums up your feelings about this post. But hey, there’s an ad for Dallas BBQ over there and that counts for everything.

via Buzzfeed

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Brandi Glanville Wants LeAnn Rimes To Pawn Her Ring For Child Support Money

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Okay, lying headline is lying. Brandi Glanville never said that she wants LeAnn Rimes to put a for sale sign on the engagement ring Eddie Cibriangave” her. I’m sure Brandi knows that LeAnn is going to need something to dramatically throw at Eddie’s bare ass when she catches him Right Kind Of Wronging some trick on the sofa.

What Brandi really told Radar is that she did flinch a bit when she found out that Eddie bought LeAnn an $85k ring shortly after his child support payments were lowered due to the fact that he’s not bringing in as much cash as he used to. Brandi put it like this:

“Look, I don’t mind that he got her a ring but the timing wasn’t obviously the best and the truth is the communication is not great right now. I just want to get on with my life and to move forward but it is really tough at times because everything has been so very public.

Ideally, I would like to have a better relationship with Eddie and LeAnn but that has not been possible recently but I’m determined to keep going. The lease is up on my current home and I will be looking for a new place to live shortly while also trying to take care of my sons. I’m looking for work and trying to get my real estate
license but it is a gradual process – I’m not saying Eddie is a bad guy and he is a great father but I just wish it all could be a lot easier.”

Complaining to the public about how everything is so public. Okay. But Brandi is trying to tell me that she really thinks Eddie pulled out his own wallet to buy LeAnn’s ring? Brandi, grab my hand and let’s go and get a pair of GET A FUCKING CLUE facials together. Okay, maybe he did pull out his own wallet, but bitch used the card LeAnn gave him seconds after he dickmatized her ass.

Reason #13 on the “You Know You’re Dickmatized When…” list: You make him an authorized user on your AMEX account without checking his financials first.

Oprah Is Our Messenger!

January 7, 2011 / Posted by:

OWN, the only TV network that every church on the planet recommends watching in lieu of prayer, launched last weekend and its creator talked to reporters at the Television Critics Association press tour yesterday where she confirmed what every priest has already told us: OPRAH IS GOD’S BLOWN HORN….among other things.

Just like Praise The Lord Baby, Oprah hypnotized the room of reporters with her sermon about her plans for her network and what she’s trying to do. Here’s just a few quotes from Oprah Revival ’11:

On how all of us are here for a reason: “So the evolving of consciousness is really what I’m about but I’m not telling people that’s what it is. All of us are here to become more of who we are, of who you really were born to be. Every single one of us in this room has that. That is how we are all equal, because I was born to be who the creator intended, whether you believe in the creator or not. Whatever you believe put you here, you were born to perform the highest expression of that coming. That is my goal as my personal self and it is also my goal to help other people see that in themselves. I fully understand that this platform that I have been given is a gift.”

Thank you, Oprah. I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you. Thank you for letting me know to keep struttin’ on the same path with my head held into a bong. Oprah IS great!

On how she doesn’t watch TV: “I don’t want all that energy coming into my space; I want to control the energy coming into my space.”

Xenu, you crazy bitch! Stop hacking into Oprah’s direct connection with GOD and leaving your own messages!

On how she’s heaven’s one-woman singing telegram deliverer: “After The Color Purple, I learned that God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself. I try to live in that space that is the universe’s dream for me, the bigger dream. As you heard me say to Barbara Walters, my prayer is: use me. I see myself really as a messenger for a message that is greater than myself. The message is: You can. You can. You can. You can do and you can be and you can grow and it can get better and it doesn’t matter where you were born or who your mother was or how many doctorate degrees you did have or your family had or your father had. It doesn’t matter. You can. You can do.”

Oprah is right. Ha. I type that as if Oprah is ever w.w.w.ww.w.w.wr. See, my keyboard won’t even let me complete that sentence. But yes, Oprah is right. You can. You can. You can. You can change THE CHANNEL. No, I didn’t mean that. That was blasphemy….and a sin.

Now, while I try to wash away that sin by saying a dozen Holy Gayles, you can look at these pictures of Oprah wearing one of Endora’s old housecoats to the TCA cocktail reception last night in L.A.

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