Nicole Forrester Needs More People

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Nicole Forrester is the Atlanta stripper who claimed she was carrying on an affair with Fuggie Fug’s husband Josh Duhamel. Josh denied away, but Nicole still stuck by her story. Since Tiger Woods’ bus full of harems ran over Nicole’s spotlight and everyone forgot about her ass, she had to do something to keep the dollars raining on her snatch. So Nicole is now telling friends that she’s pregnant, and she’s 95% sure Josh is the father. And I”m 100% sure that she’s full of shit.

According to The National Enquirer, Nicole, who already has two kids, told her friends that she’s three-and-a-half months pregnant. One of Nicole’s friends added, “She said, ‘I’m carrying a million dollar baby!‘” But if it’s not Josh’s, she’s carrying a welfare baby.

But Nicole is the Wile E. Coyote of whores, because she fucked herself in the ass by previously saying she only had safe sex with Josh. Fail Whore. Nicole gives all gold digging sluts a bad name. First of all, Nicole effed up by not secretly recording Josh in the act. Missed opportunity. Second of all, don’t ever give too many details, because you never know when you’re going to have to pull out the baby card in the near future. Rielle Hunter, come and collect this amateur to show her how it’s really done.

John Mayer Fucks And Tells

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you’re okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson’s sex skills. According to John, Jessica’s vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:

John on Jessica being his drug: “And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.‘”

John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: “There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.‘”

John on how many girls he’s screwed since Aniston: “I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.

John on how he’s upping his famewhore game in 2010: “From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That’s fucked up, man. I’m not dating. I’m not even fucking. So now I’m going to experiment with ‘fuck you.’ In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.”

A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it’s going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can’t resist. And once you’re done with it, you’re left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I’ll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).

And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That’s his Jess!

Mission Impossible IV: The Hunt For Tommy Girl’s Sanity

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Since the Mission Impossible franchise keeps Suri’s high heels closet full and Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole freshly bleached, he’s going to return to the series for a fourth time. Deadline says that Tommy Girl has already scooted on the dotted line and will not only star in the fourth Mission Impossible, but he will also executive produce it along with J.J. Abrams. J.J. won’t direct this gay alien orgy, so they are currently looking for a director. Shooting will start this summer and it will be released on Memorial Day weekend in 2011.

The Mission Impossible franchise has made $1.4 billion worldwide. No word on how much cash Tommy Girl is going to stuff in his cleavage or what kind of back end deal he received while moaning and flicking at his nipples.

If Tommy wants to play spy girl again, let him! I just hope he queefs the crazy out in large doses while promoting this latest jizz stain. Or maybe he’ll shock us all by acting not-crazy.

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Captain Phil Harris From “Deadliest Catch” Has Died

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Captain Phil Harris, star of Discovery Channel’s Deadliest Catch, suffered a stroke last month in Alaska and had to be placed under a medically induced coma to stop his brain from swelling. A few days after he was hospitalized, there was a glimmer of hope that Captain Phil would survive, but unfortunately the stroke was too severe and he went off to the Cornelia Marie in the sky last night. Captain Phil’s sons delivered the sad news:

It is with great sadness that we say goodbye to our dad — Captain Phil Harris. Dad has always been a fighter and continued to be until the end. For us and the crew, he was someone who never backed down. We will remember and celebrate that strength. Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.

One of my friends is a crackhead for this show, so this news is going to make his soul attach itself to a line of lobster cages headed for the bottom of the ocean (that part always scares the shit out of me).

Rest in peace, Captain Phil.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 9th!

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Ali Lohan didn’t understand why everyone was surprised she could do a split. She’s 16, she’s SUPPOSED to be flexible!! And she could’ve sworn that easter bunny wasn’t there before she ate that tic-tac out of lindsay’s purse. – zinny1127

Runners-up:

Jennifer Aniston crashes Pax’s birthday party, trying to prove to Brad she’s still limber at 41. – Sexecution

Reason #2,589 NOT to fuck with an abuela: the chankla at the end of her leg is far-reaching. – SavageLettuce

Little Billy couldn’t see the lust in the Easter Bunny’s eyes until it was too late. It was years before he could eat a cream egg again – starvis

via WOW Report

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 10, 2010 / Posted by:

Coco (as played by Charles Levin), Dorothy’s gay houseslave who was only in the first episode of the Golden Girls. Coco was supposed to be a series regular, but they dumped that queen in favor of Sophia. It needed to be done, but I still would’ve liked to see Coco’s ass stick around for just a few more episodes. That way we could’ve seen him massaging Dorothy’s bunions, holding Sophia’s purse and hitting his brains with a frying pan while listening to one of Rose’s stories. And I would’ve taken screen shots from each of these scenes to Photoshop my head over Coco’s. Oh well. I’m sure Coco ran off with Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort and now they are running a bed and breakfast together in Amsterdam.

Here’s Coco at work:

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