No Duh News: Woody Allen Supports Roman Polanski

May 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Woody Allen thinks that we should open the door to Roman Polanski’s fancy Swiss chalet/prison and let him roam free, because he has “paid his dues” already. This is too easy. It’s like taking ludes from a child rapist. The hos over at The Onion must be writing Woody Allen’s words for him.

While promoting his movie at Cannes, Woody says that Roman has already beenembarrassed by the whole thing” and “has suffered” enough. Woody went on to say that Roman is “an artist and is a nice person” who “did something wrong and he paid for it.”

Roman quickly issued this response, “Woody, you’re not helping.”

Who’s going to issue another endorsement? The Catholic Church?! This is as if Pete Doherty vouched for Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety. Or if Vanilla Gorilla testified in a court that Tiger Woods is not a massive slut. Or if Jocelyn Wildenstein came out and said that Heidi Montag is a natural flower who doesn’t need to be banned from every plastic surgeon’s scalpel. I mean…

Woody just needs to drop the shovel, put his head back in his shell and let others do the grave digging for Roman…

Here’s the turtled one with Lucy Punch, Naomi Watts, Gemma Jones, Josh Brolin and Soon-Yi at the Cannes premiere of You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger the other day.

And Now You’ve Gone Too Far!

May 17, 2010 / Posted by:

You know how Jonathan Rhys Meyers was banned from United Airlines after he got drunk and flipped out when officials refused to let him on a flight from NYC to L.A.? Well, Radar is saying that the N word made an unwanted cameo appearance during JRM’s freakout sponsored by Grey Goose. And by that I don’t mean that JRM tried to order another “naranja” and vodka. No, apparently JRM used THAT N word. From Radar:

When airline workers noticed the actor drinking and getting out of control they prevented him from boarding the flight to Los Angeles, a source at the airport told us.

As the incident unfolded, Meyers, growing furious, flung the ‘N’ word, the source told RadarOnline.com exclusively. He had been drinking vodka and it was before 7 am. It is unclear if the actor was directing the word toward an individual or just spewing it without a specific target.

The Tudors star used the racial slur as he was being informed by the airline that they were not going to allow him to board the plane.

Why?!!!! Out of all the words JRM could’ve used, why did his mouth shit that one out? If he threw the “cunt” word, everybody on the plane would’ve clapped and gave him a standing ovation! If the “Limbaugh” word jumped off his tongue, people would’ve shifted in their seats a bit, but they would’ve quickly forgiven him. But the N word? Captain, drop the ear plugs and close the doors.

If this is true STAINS is no longer going to share his cupcakes with JRM. Actually, I think STAINS just threw JRM a side-eye. It’s that serious. Even Satan would jump in a pool of holy water after getting a side-eye from STAINS.

Two Very Important Guests Did Not Show Up To David Walliams’ Wedding

May 17, 2010 / Posted by:

David Walliams of Little Britain married Dutch supermodel Lara Stone in London yesterday, and everybody in Harvey Price’s address book (aka every single celebrity on that side of the Atlantic) showed up. Well, everybody except for a bride’s most important guests: EYEBROWS!!!!! Here comes the bride, and there goes me to the local Walgreens to buy that bitch a pencil! Why wasn’t her “something borrowed” brows?!

Seriously, did Lara Stone’s eyebrows star in a real-life remake of Runaway Bride and bust out of that bitch? Bitch didn’t get cold feet, she got cold brows! I don’t know how David repeated the words “I David, take you Lara” when she looks like she just crawled out from under the rubble of a meth lab explosion.

How can you trust someone with your full heart when they seem to be in love with the fact that they look like something out of The Hills Have Eyes. The Stone Needs Brows is more like it. It’s one of the most important days of your life and you’re doing it without brows? Something’s wrong with that ho. Hopefully, they honeymoon at the Sharpie factory so she can work that shit out. If she doesn’t use a Sharpie now, she’ll be using one to sign divorce papers in the near future. Truthery.

Here’s some pictures of David and his brow-less bride. When Lara threw the bouquet, I bet you the ladies in the crowd threw their brow pencils back at her.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 17, 2010 / Posted by:

IN THIS ECONOMY, some hos can’t even get a regular ATM machine to wake up when they come knocking, but in Abu Dhabi they launched a machine last week that spits out gold. Now tourists and locals can witness what one of Oprah’s bowel movements looks like.

The Gold To Go machine sells 24-carat bars that weigh 1, 5, and 10 grams. You can also get coins from other countries. Each bar comes in a fancy little box.

I say we all get blasted on Natty Ice, take pappy’s Chevy, drive on over to Abu Dhabi, hook the Gold To Go Machine up to back of the pick-up using chains and drive that bitch home while fist pumping to Lynyrd Skynyrd. When we get home, we’ll crack that shit open with hammers and then use that gold to buy the good stuff: BOONE’S FARM! This is a plan. Watch the video below to gather research for our mission.

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Birthday Sluts

May 17, 2010 / Posted by:

Jordan Knight (40)
Leven Rambin (20)
Nikki Reed (22)
Tahj Mowry (24)
Derek Hough (25)
Tony Parker (28)
Andrea Corr (36)
Thom Filicia (41)
Cameron Bancroft (43)
Trent Reznor (45)
Craig Ferguson (48)
Enya (49)
Sugar Ray Leonard (54)
Bob Saget (54)
Bill Paxton (55)
Grace Zabriskie (69)
Dennis Hopper (74)

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R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio

May 16, 2010 / Posted by:

So I was just at the airport coming back from the land of Mama Juana when a lady behind me in the line at customs shouted, “OH MY GOD! RONNIE JAMES DIO is DEAD!!!” When I turned around I expected to find a gorgeous bleach blonde wearing a black leather jacket from Wilsons and tight black jeans. But instead I found a Latina beauty with gel-encrusted tight curls wearing a Looney Tunes sweatshirt and carrying a toddler on her hip. The moral of the story is that all kinds of beauties have love in their heart for Ronnie James Dio, and now he’s dead.

The former Black Sabbath and Dio frontman, who had been suffering from stomach cancer, died this morning in Houston at the age of 67. Ronnie’s wife left this message on his website:

Today my heart is broken, Ronnie passed away at 7:45am 16th May. Many, many friends and family were able to say their private good-byes before he peacefully passed away. Ronnie knew how much he was loved by all. We so appreciate the love and support that you have all given us. Please give us a few days of privacy to deal with this terrible loss. Please know he loved you all and his music will live on forever.

– Wendy Dio

Rest in Peace, Ronnie. Devil horns forever….

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