How Is Jennifer Aniston Not In Either One Of These?

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

There’s a 99% chance that you will be dragged to at least one of these movies by a human with a vagina or a gay who just wants to see Alex O’Loughlin’s nipples (or Taylor Lautner’s arms) in motion. So you might as well watch these two trailers in case you fall asleep while watching either of these movies (which you will after downing 1 smuggled-in bottle of straight vodka). That way you can tell your movie mate afterwards that you really got the tingles when BLANK kissed BLANK while BLANK song was playing.

Above is the trailer for Valentine’s Day, which stars everyone with at least 3 IMDB credit to their name (sans Aniston and JLol). It’s basically like a losing scratch ticket version of Love Actually but without the British accents and gayer (fingers pointing at B. Coop and Queef Latifah).

Below is the trailer for JLo’s The Back-Up Plan, which is not to be confused with Aniston’s The Baster. It’s going to be like every other rom com barf party. They will instantly fall in love and then their second date will be at the abortion clinic. NO! They will instantly fall in love and break up right before she gives birth. Then he will decide he can’t live without her and bust into the delivery room right after the baby pops out of her vag. He will take the baby in his arms and the baby will say, “I’m just a baby……laying in front of a boy……asking him to burp it.” Or something like that.

Ivana Trump Officially Dumped Her Fourth Husband

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Ivana Trump split from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi (pronounced: Just Hittin’ That Prune Poon For the Cash) last year, but she barely filed for divorce from him yesterday in NYC. Ivana and Rossano dated for six years before making it legal in 2008. They quit each other a few months later after Rossano was caught licking on a vagina not belonging to Ivana while he filmed Celebrity Survivor in Italy. Although, Ivana claims that distance killed the marriage, not another snatch.

Ivana said this shit to Page Six: “Rossano has been living and working in Italy for most of the last two years. Given my extensive business interests around the globe, it has become increasingly difficult for us to find time together . . . With sadness . . . I say it is time to move on . . . I wish Rossano well!

Extensive business interests around the globe?!!!! File that one away for use at a later date. Seriously, the next time you want to send your full-time fuck partner to the recycle bin, just tell them that it’s not going to work out “given your extensive business interests around the globe.” Basically, that just means you want to sample different kinds of international peen before settling down with just one.

And put on your slickers, because Peta is going to flour bomb that picture in 3..2..

A Tragedy From Head To Camel Toe And Beyond

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Since Jon Grosselin dumped Hailey “Meth Brows” Glassman back onto the potted plant he found her on, she has to do something to keep her name on people’s RSS feeds. So that’s why she hosted a girl-on-girl boxing match at the Philadelphia Airport Ramada Hotel last night. Jamie Jungers was the organizer’s first choice, but she was already booked for the opening of a Super 8 in Barstow.

Meth Brows really dressed up for the occasion as you can see. It’s like every reality shit show formed a circle jerk around her and ejaculated massive amounts of vomit on her at once. The bandanna is from Rock of Love, the “mauled by a possum” shirt is from Jersey Shore, the boots were made from Kim Zolciak’s leftover wigs, and the rest can be found in the closets of any low-budget bitch on a Vh1 or MTV reality show.

This entire ho-semble is one gigantic weapon of mass destruction. Nowhere is safe. It makes you want to close the casket door and go to sleep!

This Again

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Two seconds ago, Amy Wino’s goddaughter went around saying that the former Crackie of Camden would rather eat an organic apple while sipping on natural spring water than go back to Blaaaaake. Well, now Blaaaaake is saying that not only is he back to bump & bumping with Wino, but they are making plans to marry each other for a second time and start a family. A family of what you ask? Blaaake says a family of BABIES!!!

All the storks in the world just dropped the fuck DEAD! Do not resuscitate.

Blaaaaake picked the scabs off of his lips and told The Sun, “Amy and I have talked about getting married again and starting a family. We both definitely want kids. This time we’re doing things properly and hopefully that will help both our families come round to the idea. We’re free of drugs and we’re more responsible now.

Coming off heroin was hell. I’ve been through a year of intensive rehab, I’m 100 per cent clean and I plan to stay clean. I’m not going to let anyone down. Amy said, ‘You inspire me’. She’s proud of me for staying off drugs, and she’s determined to do the same.

She’s been wanting to see me but was too scared to do anything to upset her dad.Amy only came at the last minute because Mitch was on holiday and she could get away without anyone interfering. Mitch controls most of Amy’s life still. I’m fed up with people trying to tear us apart. The only reason me and Amy want to be together is because we love each other.”

Blaaaake also put his hand on his favorite crack pipe and swore that things will be different this time. He plans to get a job and then get a place of his own in London before sealing the deal with Wino.

This is Mitch Wino’s cue to throw Wino in a FedEx box and ship her back to St. Lucia. Yes, she spent her days smoking banana leaves and snatching drinks from tourists, but she was still better off. Bitch needs island dick again in a bad way.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Angelina Marcantognini, officially Canada’s Worst Driver!

Over in Canada, they have this show on the Discovery channel that searches for bitches who have no business even looking at a car, let alone getting behind the wheel of one. Bitches shouldn’t even be playing with Micro Machines! That’s how seriously wrong they are as drivers. And Angelina, the peroxide blonde beauty with the frosty lips of an 80s Barbie, won/loss the top prize! Angelina proved that her drivers license should be shredded and she should be banned from driving ANYTHING (even a shopping cart). That’s fine, because someone so precious and beautiful shouldn’t be driving themselves anyway. They should be chauffeured around town in a crystal ball.

Here’s Angelina’s driving bio:

* Employed as a “Stay-at-home Girlfriend”
* Has only had license since October 2008
* Has never pumped her own gas
* Caused major damage to the side of a rental car, then lied about it
* Has had at least two other minor fender-benders
* Permanently keeps rear-view mirror pointed at her
* Needs to improve so she can drive her niece and nephew around, which for the time being is not

And finally, here’s Angelina’s new life-motto:

Yeah, I don’t know either.

(For Mastermind)

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Birthday Sluts

December 19, 2009 / Posted by:

Jake Gyllenhaal (29)
Lady Sovereign (24)
Marla Sokoloff (29)
Alyssa Milano (37)
Amy Locane (38)
Liz Cho (38)
Tyson Beckford (39)
Kristy Swanson (40)
Criss Angel (42)
Jennifer Beals (46)
Til Schweiger (46)
Tim Reid (65)
Cicely Tyson (76)

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