Rachel Uchitel’s whore mouth is what got her $10 million from Tiger Woods in the first place, and now that same whore mouth has cost her most of that money. Tiger Woods reportedly stuffed a $10 million hush money check between Rachel Uchitel’s overstuffed dolphin dick lips after she signed a confidentiality agreement promising to keep his name off of her tongue for the rest of her life. Any smart gold digger would’ve immediately glamored Tiger Woods’ name from her brain, because $10 million can buy a lot of lip injections and horse mane weaves. Rachel Uchitel is not a smart gold digger. Bitch is as dumb as she is Equus faced.
Rachel broke the agreement when she went on Celebrity Rehab for a “love addiction” and vaguely talked about Tiger to TMZ. Tiger’s lawyer Jay Lavely accused Rachel of breaking the agreement and ordered her to give all of the money back.
TMZ reports that Rachel’s lawyer Gloria Allred advised her to give whatever is left of the $10 million back to Tiger, because they’d lose in court. Rachel agreed, but one thing Cuchitel didn’t know is that Gloria made a deal with Jay that she would still collect all of her attorney fees from the $10 million. If they went to arbitration and lost, Rachel would not have to pay Gloria a cent. So Rachel thinks that Gloria forced her to give back the money so the bitch could get paid. Rachel has now hired a malpractice lawyer to get those fees back from Gloria. Gloria issued this statement to TMZ:
“Our law firm no longer represents Ms. Uchitel and we have no comment on this story at this time. However, we are confident that we have always acted appropriately and in her best interests.”
Gloria fucked that $10 million out of Rachel just like Rachel fucked that $10 million out of Tiger. I should laugh, but I’m too busy being disgusted and disappointed at Rachel. Rachel is a shit-skinned, anus-mouthed, piss-brained piece of Mr. Ed’s caca who gives all conniving gold digging sluts a bad name! What kind of gold digger screws with the $10 million in her pocket by breaking an agreement? What kind of gold digger puts that $10 million in a domestic checking account instead of hiding it in a shoe box far, far away? What kind of gold digger tells Tiger’s lawyer that she still has the money instead of saying the words I said when my third grade teacher asked me what I did with the candy I took from my classmate’s desk: “I ATE IT, BITCH!”
If I had any respect for Rachel to begin with, she would’ve lost it over this dumb dumb move.
In a hospital suite somewhere in Manhattan, a newborn baby is learning about one of the world’s grossest mysteries for the very first time. I’m talking about the hairy barf ball on Donald Trump’s head. Because Donald’s oldest daughter Ivanka Trump birthed out her and her husband’s first baby in NYC yesterday. When Ivanka was born, Donald threw a “ka” after her mother’s name, Ivana, so I hoped she would do the same thing by naming her daughter Ivankaka. That didn’t happen. On Fox & Friends (via Gossip Cop) this morning, Donald gave up the name of his latest grandchild.
“I just left the hospital… The baby is beautiful and her name is Arabella Rose.”
“….and don’t worry, I saw the birth certificate. Ba da bump.”
Now, can we fast forward into the future to see the fried shit look on Jabba the Trump’s face when his granddaughter Arabella Rose announces that she and her lesbian lover Vivienne Rose O’Donnell have decided to name their first born Obama Rosie O’Donnell Trump.
A marine asked Mila Kunis to the ball, and she said yes. A marine asked Justin Timberlake to the ball, and he said yes. Now Sgt. Ray Lewis is giving mouth-to-mouth to a dead horse by asking international treasure and the Internet’s grandma Betty White to his Marine Corp Ball (which will soon be called “The Celebwhore (and a couple of marines) Corp Ball” in November. This is what it looks like when two dying memes each get an extra breath from a defibrillator pad. I think I speak for everybody when I type, THIS NEED TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe we should all support our troops by dancing at, on and around their balls, because it’s our duty as American to do so, but enough is enough. All these video invitations are inspiring me to submit a video to the Make-A-Wish Foundation’s needy homo division where I ask Mah Boo to escort me to my Marine Corp Ball (aka a bunch of stuffed animals wearing various military outfits) in my apartment, and I’m sure that’s not what they wanted.
Betty White is trying to have a peaceful BenGay bubble bath, but she can’t because she has to sashay out of her step-in bath tub every time the Internet calls on her. That being said, I hope Betty goes and I hope this is the end of shit like this.
It’s getting to the point where a fame whoring fat roach like Kim Kardashian is going to try to get in on the action by asking to corp a marine’s balls on YouTube.
File this under: It’s way too early for this NSFWish shit. And cross file it under: Dlisted’s new anthem!
If Ke$ha fell out of an Italian uterus instead of an American one, this is definitely what she would sing during her middle school talent show. Meet Italy’s very own Gionny Scandal, Pedobear’s very Italian pop star and a singing prostitot who definitely gets all her lyrics translations from Google. And I’m thankful that she did, because if any bitch can butcher an English translation and turn it into poetry salad, it’s Google. The line “Tonight I’m feeling to make you enjoy with a blowjob/I want to feel in my throat” is so damn beautiful that I’m going to use it in the signature for all my Craigslist Casual Encounters ads.
Yes Gionny’s fucked up teefs make her look like she’s only given blow jobs to screwdriver drills set on high. Yes, Gionny’s spoog splash dress reminds you of the time you asked your dry cleaner if they could get out a goat milk stain. Yes, the Jay Baruchel looking rapper in this ILLEGAL mess gave me the tingles for a quick minute until he wasted a whole can of whipped cream. Yes, watching this prequel to Hostel mess is about as uncomfortable as watching a homeless man lick on a Monte Carlo poster in a subway station (true story).
But you have to give Gionny some credit for making Bert’s Muppet nipples hard with the way she pronounces the word “horny.” Ernie’s (and probably yours too) official response is:
The first little pig built his house of out of straw. The second little pig built his house out of sticks. The third little pig built his house out of bricks. The fourth little pig made his house out of his brothers. He lives in a white room now. – Bunny_Ann
I’m sooo sick of Lindsay Lohan getting out of cars with no panties on. – Provolone
Jonah Hill donates his old body fat to a good cause. – kate773
Heidi Montag’s keeps a memento of all of her surgeries with this nice plate of scabs. – Ikcor
via WOW Report
The Walmart Receipt Jesus!
Jacob Simmons and his hotly named fiancee Gentry Lee Sutherland of Anderson County, South Carolina believe our lord and savior worked his mysterious ways all over a receipt from Walmart last month. Jacob and Gentry Lee bought some picture frames from Walmart on the holy day of Sunday June 12th and at that time their receipt was not yet blessed by the face of Jesus. But a few days later, they came home from church and Jacob saw the receipt lying on the floor with the eyes of God’s son staring back at him. Jacob and Gentry call it a miracle while most of us call them dirty ass slobs for leaving a receipt on the floor for several days.
Jacob said he didn’t know what blessed his eyes at first, but when he realized it was Jeebus his breath was taken away. (Yes, Jacob actually breathes in oxygen that somehow makes its way to his brain. Another miracle from Jesus!) Naturally, Jacob called Walmart and asked them how this happened. Did the ink run? Did the filth from their dirty ass apartment (I mean, leaving a receipt on the floor for days) gather on the paper and form the face a man with eyes that say, “Clean your pig pen shit of an apartment”? Walmart told Jacob that the only way to get the receipt really dark is to put heat on it (cut to a guilty look on the face of Gentry Lee’s dog who may or may not have farted on it).
Gentry Lee tells Wyff4 that they didn’t mess with the receipt and they believe this is a message from above, “We just feel like it’s a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else.”
Target sells single-serving wine in a box, so I’ve always figured that Jeebus would be down with them, but I guess he just can’t stay away from the holy rollback savings of Walmart. To me, the face on that receipt looks more like a peen-nosed Rasputin with Taylor Momsen make-up or like Adrien Brody as Charles Manson with a black eye, but who am I to argue with a hot bitch named Gentry Lee?