The Photoshop Awards: Lindsay Lohan’s Maxim Cover

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan usually looks like Magda after waking up to find her face in the toilet of a crackhouse, so the artists who spread their Photoshop sorcery all over this mess can pat themselves on the taint as soon as their carpal tunnel clears up.

Blohan got ready for jail by posing for the cover of Maxim in a striped bikini I’m sure her ass wore during the swimsuit portion of the Miss Lynwood pageant. Bitch didn’t place. LiLo also continued to make White Oprah proud by showing off the strongest Lohan family trait (DELUSION) in her interview with Maxim:

We know you’ve had a very trying week, and we want you to know that Maxim loves you. How are you feeling right now?
I am feeling strong. I’ve experienced a lot in my life, and my mom has given me a lot of pills and encouraging words of delusion faith. This too shall pass.

You just had your birthday. What are you hoping for from the upcoming year?
To focus on myself instead of focusing on the ground to keep from passing out and my work and to move all press on me to focus on the work I do. Also, I’d like to do more work in India and travel to Malawi.

What is your advice to others about how to cope with adversity?
Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror on the coffee table and be content with the choices you’ve made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut even if it’s filled with enough booze to keep The Hoff busy for a weekend!

….And hasn’t Malawi been through enough?!

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Morpheus Is Not Pleased

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Laurence Fishburne isn’t exactly skipping through the set of CSI while proudly holding a copy of his 19-year-old daughter’s debut porn movie. Don’t expect to see a “My Kid Fucks Better Than Your Honor Student” bumper sticker on Laurence’s car anytime soon. In fact, Laurence found out about his daughter selling snatch on camera the same day we all did.

Montana Fishburne, who is going by the porn name Chippy D, tells TMZ, “[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he’s mad at me but I haven’t spoken to him yet. I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him. I think he wants to support me in everything I do, and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive.

Morpheus has every right to be madder than fish grease at this bitch. Shit, I’m mad at her for listing Kim Kardassian as one of her role models. The broken toilet my mom uses as a flower planter in her backyard would make a better choice for a role model.

But importantly, I’m mad at her for going by the name Chippy D when she was given the perfect porn name ever. Sound it out. FISH-BURN. This bitch! Chippy D sounds like the nickname of a chunky chipmunk from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie who has big dreams of becoming a hip hop star but his lisp keeps getting in the way. Just no.

La Crackaracha! La Crackaracha!

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

The air in Camden was filled with the familiar aroma of foot cheese, lice guts and whiskey-infused mocos yesterday when Amy Wino hit her old snorting grounds. Even though Wino looked like a junked up Lolita who got a job as a donkey show emcee in Mexico to help fund her Special K habit, she was on her best behavior last night! Not one bitch lost their cheek and none of the hospitals in the area reported a zombification. BOOOOO!!!

UPDATE: Meare Kat Reunited With His Rightful Owner

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

The most anticipated reunion since Celie and Nettie happened in Suffolk the other day when Meare Kat, a recent inductee into the Hot Slut Hall of Fame (or is it Shame?), was back in the arms of his owner, a 3-year-old boy named Ned. Everybody play “Reunited” on their Playskool Xylophones!

Meare Kat’s real name is Bubba Cat, and Ned left him in a teashop in Suffolk last week. The teashop’s owner started a Facebook campaign to find Meare Kat’s real home and the rest is happy ending history. Ned’s family read about Meare Kat’s Facebook page on the Daily Mail.

Ned’s mama je’e’ told Metro UK, “Ned has two favourite toys, Bubba Cat and Big Cat. I bought them when he was born and he cuddles them from morning till night. He’s distraught when he’s without them. We had been searching for Bubba Cat since he went missing – I did buy him a new cat but he wanted his old one. He knew the difference.

While Ned and Meare Kat say hello again, you can say goodbye to the bags under your eyes you developed after not sleeping one second from being worried as fuck about Meare Kat’s future. Although, maybe this isn’t Meare Kat at all. Maybe that shady pussy Daniel Tiger Cat pulled a Don Draper and assumed Meare Kat’s identity. I never trusted that bitch. Back to not sleeping!

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 2nd!

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Tommy Girl’s dildo and butt plug make a run for it. – Jennika7

Runners-up:

Giseles breasts go on a world tour to feed starving babies. – El Bastardo

Alien Princess RiRi’s kin forge their way through Earth’s unfamiliar terrain to take her back to the mothership. – WhiskeyTango

They do the jobs Americans refuse to do, being Dan Aykroyd & Jane Curtain. – Provolone

(Thanks Bill)

Birthday Sluts

August 3, 2010 / Posted by:

Martha Stewart (69)
Mamie Gummer (27)
Evangeline Lilly (31)
Tom Brady (33)
Michael Ealy (37)
Spinderella (39)
Isaiah Washington (47)
Lisa Ann Walter (49)
John C. McGinley (51)
John Landis (60)
Martin Sheen (70)
Tony Bennett (84)

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