This Mess Will Make You Want To JAM Sharp Objects Into Your Ears

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Khloe Kardashian no longer has to worry about almost pulling her back out from hunching while stalking baby wombats in the dead of night. Khloe just has to play Kim Kardashian’s new “song” for them and they will be instantly stunned, paralyzed and vulnerable. That pretty much describes how my ear drums felt after being exposed to the unflavored mound of lukewarm shit that is Kim’s new song called Jam.

Jam sounds like a slutty and sedated toddler burping while riding a plastic pony in a playground. I swear, Kim isn’t singing, bitch is letting out an auto-tuned yawn. It’s the music equivalent of her sex tape. Jam makes “Stars are Blind” sound like a heartbreaking torch song of raw emotions. It’s about as exciting as the jelly left on a probe after a rectal ultrasound.

Kim says that she did the song “for fun,” but it doesn’t like she’s having fun to me. Ho sounds like she’s eating plain yogurt while watching her reality show. Kim needs to listen to some Midi, Maxi, Efi to hear how monotone bored voice is really done. In the meantime, Kim should just fart into a microphone for her follow-up single. It might have more life in it. Nice try, though.

via Gaycrest

The Booze Made Him Love Hitler!

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Patricia Field (FYI: her stepfather is Jewish so she knows) defended John Galliano’s drunken anti-Semetic rant by saying that it’s theater, it’s farce and it’s not unlike Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler” number from the SATIRICAL MOVIE The Producers. So I’m sure Patricia will look at this picture of Galliano dressed like a Hasidic pimp and scream, “SEE! THEATEREY! FARCERY! COMEDY! FASHION! DRAMA! BURP! FART! BOOM!” But what is Patricia saying about Galliano checking in to rehab. Do they have rehab for addiction to theater (if so, send Anne Hathaway)?

Because anonymous sources close to Galliano tell The New York Times that he has taken the advice of Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss by checking into a rehab clinic. Sources think he’s at The Meadows in Arizona where Donatella Versace and Elton John were treated. Galliano has kept his Hitler-kissing lips shut throughout this entire mess, so of course he’s not going to confirm that he’s standing in the room of a rehab clinic and announcing, “My name is John Galliano and I’m addicted to worshiping Hitler when the booze gets me in the wrong place. Blehehehehehehe…

This “rehab after racist rant” shit is really a major trend. Mel Gibson did it first, then Jade Goody (R.I.P.), then Vanilla Gorilla, then JRM, and now Galliano. Why is booze always taking the blame? Why is booze always the fall bitch? Why is booze always thrown under the bus?! WHY! WHY! WHY! If you took away my drinking privileges, I wouldn’t be a dumb drunk slut anymore, but I would be a dumb sober slut instead. The only that would change is I wouldn’t heave on the peen after misjudging my gag reflex and I don’t think my fuck partner would kick me out of his apartment for passing out mid-thrust. Hmmm. I wonder if The Meadows can help me with that?

(Image via Fame Pictures)

Buh Bye: Charlie Sheen Temporarily Loses Custody Of His Twin Boys

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Everyone’s new favorite warlock who spits out Sheenisms under a Twitter bridge (the crazy racked up 740,000 followers in less than 24 hours) was temporarily stripped of custody of his twin boys, Bob and Max, after their mother Brooke Mueller declared to the court that he threatened to cut off her head and send it to her mom. And I’m sure he was planning to do it with a shrimp fork he stole from a buffet.

Charlie says that just as he and his goddesses were about to put Bob and Max to bed, the police knocked on his fortress of winning and demanded that he had them over under court order. Radar has the video of one of Charlie’s twins feeding him pieces of an apple (even the baby knows his ass needs to eat something) before he puts them in the police car. Charlie didn’t burn the cops with his candle hands (like Lumiere on the wrong kind of meth) or stun them with the rainbow laser beams that shoot out of his eyes on command. Charlie calmly handed them over, said “see you later” and let them go home to Brooke. But he did add that “tiger blood drips from his fangs” now.

According to TMZ, the court documents filed by Brooke last night states that at his home in the Bahamas on February 23rd, Charlie threatened to poke out one of her eyes with a penknife. That is why Brooke dropped out of Charlie’s Goddesses and left the Bahamas for California. The judge ordered that Charlie must stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke and their sons. Brooke said this in a statement:

“I am very concerned that [Sheen] is currently insane. I am in great fear that he will find me and attack me and I am in great fear for the children’s safety while in his care.”

Charlie was on Today this morning where he said that he’s going to go to court to try to kill the restraining order and get his sons back. Charlie wants someone from Brooke’s camp (or Brooke herself) to come to his house and spend time with his goddesses so that they know it’s not the situation we all think it is. They’re not smoking crack with one hand while feeding the boys with the other. They’re not playing Tonka trunks with the boys while sucking on Charlie’s perma soft crack noodle. It would be impressive if they were, because every skilled nanny must be able to successfully multi-task. But Charlie says this isn’t happening and his home life isn’t damaging to his boys at all.

While Charlie thinks his home would get the thumbs up from SuperNanny, he thinks Brooke’s wouldn’t. Brooke admitted to the court that she’s in day treatment for drug addiction and her mom takes care of the boys while she gets her shit together. However, Charlie says that she’s still on the bad shit and that’s why he snuffed out her crack pipe and voted her out of the Bahamas.

In another interview with Radar, Charlie and “Goddess Natty” shows us pictures they took in the Bahamas of cocaine they say Brooke bought. The mouth of Charlie says that Brooke is hooked on Norco and continued to smoke crack even though he asked her to stop. Charlie threw out a message to Brooke at the end of the video, “How dare you? How dare you? You’re a better parent than me? Shame on you. Your day is coming and it’s coming fast.

If you watch the video at Radar, you’ll see for yourself that Charlie Sheen is like Christian Bale’s character in The Fighter but with endless amounts money. Seriously, Christian Bale should just hand over his Oscar to Charlie, because Dr. Clown Shoes Winning is doing it better. And Christian Bale’s Asian crack ho in The Fighter is a goddess from Mars compared to Natty. Natty’s face looks like the wet part of a sore scab. Hair so dry that not even a malnourished goat would chew on that shit! I would say that Natty looks more like God’s ass instead of a goddess, but that would be sacrilegious, wrong and untrue. I’m sure God’s ass is a work of beauty and Natty is a work of hard living and empty conditioner bottles. Watching Charlie and Natty fuck is probably like watching a lizard fish scratch its back on a dead piece of coral. Just wrong.

And now I leave you with a quote from Charlie’s interview with People: “It’s not an act. Here’s the good news: If I realize that I’m insane, then I’m okay with it. I’m not dangerous insane.”

(Image via TMZ)

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 1st!

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

After the auditions, The Aliens were mortified when they found out that ‘To Catch a Predator’ was not the show they thought it was. – cs182

Runners-up:

Suri Cruise: “Ew, Xenu farted!” – johnnysgirl

Embarrassed at being seen sitting so close to Justin and Selena, the aliens look for the nearest available stomach to crawl back into. – ImpertinentVixen

via FunPic

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Wall-e, the three month old puppy who came back to life after he was euthanized, declared dead and thrown into a dumpster. This is a tale about PUPPIES!!! that starts out sad but ends on a happy-ish note (no, it’s still sad).

At a dog shelter in Sulphur, Oklahoma one morning, the owner found a rusty cage full of adorable puppies that someone left at his front door. It’s like an adorable gift! Right? Not to the owner. The owner said the puppies looked sickly and weak, so he took them down to the vet. The article from News9 doesn’t say whether or not the vet did his doctor stuff to see if the puppies could be saved. I’m guessing the shelter owner figured that dead puppies are cheaper to feed than alive puppies, because the vet euthanized the entire litter. After he checked all of their eyes for Xes and declared them dead, he put their bodies in a back dumpster. Yeah, you might want to cut those tears trickling down your cheek with some morning vodka.

For some reason, the dumpster was never emptied that night and an animal control officer found Wall-e walking around in it the next morning. The officer said he looked as healthy as healthy can be. A different vet checked him out and declared him 100% ALIVE! Wall-e’s story was put on Facebook and now dozens of people from all over North America want to adopt him. Roll that beautiful bean footage (I know it’s not the same without that Sarah McLachlan song, so you can mute the video below and play that instead if that’s what you need).

See, a happy ending! Although, it’s not so happy if you think about how Wall-e spent the night in a dirty dumpster while surrounded by his dead brothers and sisters. 🙁 And it also won’t be a happy ending for Wall-e’s new owner when he eats their BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS! I, for one, welcome our new zombie dog overlord.

via Fark

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Birthday Sluts

March 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Lou Reed (69)
Robert Iler (26)
Reggie Bush (26)
Elizabeth Jagger (27)
Ben Roethlisberger (29)
Bryce Dallas Howard (30)
Chris Martin (34)
Amber Smith (40)
Daniel Craig (43)
Jon Bon Jovi (49)
Laraine Newman (59)
Gates McFadden (62)
Eddie Money (62)
John Irving (69)
Mikhail Gorbachev (80)
Tom Wolfe (80)
John Cullum (81)

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