Keira Knightley Will Gnaw At Your Soul

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

I watched Keira Knightley’s interview on Today this morning and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight. But in these pictures, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn’t want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can’t get in.

KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn’t work.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Which actor is suffering from a skin disease that requires him to use bronzer on his nether regions? (Page Six)

There are just TOO many clues here that it should be obvious. This person is a man who acts for a living and that narrows it down to about 4,907,127 possibilities. This man who acts for a living also has skin the color of a Cheeto after its dipped in Daddies sauce and that narrows it down to about 2,185,999 possibilities.

Shit, I’ll just go with Matthew McConaughey?

Which artist, after a long recording session, demanded that three supermodels be sent to his bedroom? The sleeping beauties were awakened and dispatched to the hotel with a promise that they would be featured in his next long-form music video. (Page Six)

Kanye West? But it isn’t what you’re thinking. Kanye is fraidy of the dark so he asked the supermodels to stand guard and make sure no Taylor Swift monsters crawl out from under his bed.

Two girls, one pup. These sisters are famous, for different things in the industry. They both share ownership of a very noisy dog. When a neighbor put in several complaints about their dog to the authority one of the sisters, (the less famous one) tried to get the dog’s voice box removed. The other sister, upset by the idea had started taking the dog to a trainer instead, but the problem has left the two of them with a grudge against the other. (BuzzFoto)

This isn’t Parasite and Nicky Hilton since I’m sure the neighbors can’t hear the dog bark when it’s shoved in the back of her dirty panty drawer in the closet. The McCord Sisters? I don’t know, but I do know that debarking a dog is the worst. It’s what murder sounds like. Seriously. It turns their bark into the sound of a dozen suffocating puppies.

Don’t believe anything this funny actor says about his latest girlfriend. She’s just the latest in a long line of paid-for strippers that he tries to pass off as girlfriends. The only thing that sets her apart from previous girlfriends is that all of her body parts are real. And she plans on keeping them (Blind Gossip)

Drew Carey?

(Image via Flickr)

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Alicia Silverstone Is A Virgin Who Can’t Drive And Can’t Name Babies

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

But first! We’re going to need some theme music to go with this post. Hit it!

Alicia Silverstone is a mom! YAY! Now turn that YAY upside down and you’ll get the word that will come out of your mouth after finding out what she named her baby. By the way, YAY upside down is ʎɐʎ, which means “huh” in Hebrew. Alicia and her husband Christopher Jarecki tell People that she birthed out her first vegan baby friend last Thursday and they have named him:

Bear Blu Jarecki

BEAR! Bear is what you describe yourself as on your Manhunt profile when you’ve got hair on your shoulders and a fupa that won’t be ignored. Bear is also what you name your Golden Retriever if you want to be the 123,965th person at your vet’s office who has a dog named Bear. Bear blew sounds like what one of John Travolta’s sauna hookers writes on his client profile under “describe his performance.” Bear Blu is not what you name a baby!

What the hell kind of quinoa is Alicia snorting?

Afternoon Crumbs

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

This is the worst Sleepy’s commercial I’ve ever seen – Just Jared

I don’t know if Ian Somerhalder’s Kentucky Derby smirk was caused by the dozens of hos throwing themselves at him or gas – Lainey Gossip

Is Jessica Simpson aware that most KFC’s and Arby’s strictly enforce the “no pants, no service” rule? – The Superficial

Another day, another clip of the hardest working professional karaoke chanteuse in Hollywood – Towleroad

Playboy’s Playmate of the Year wearing the same dress 1981’s Playmate of the Year wore – Hollywood Tuna

How many poor swans had to give up their feathers to make the ugly shit that Blake Lively’s wearing? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

PETA needs to get on Kate Gosselin for terrorizing horses with that ostrich ass on her head – Celebitchy

This made me cum from my mouth – Boston Barstool Sports

Alaska’s Heidi Montag got her own show! – ICYDK

As expected, Keef Richards was the hottest piece at the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere – The Berry

Spaz de la Huerta being the lady that she is in Esquire – Popoholic

Is it just me or does Mary-Kate Olsen’s new dude look like a brown-headed Spencer Pratt? – Popsugar

2 chinchillas, 2 cups is way cuter than 2 girls, 1 cup – The Daily What

Born This Way a cappella – OMG Blog

The ghoul and his girls – Hollywood Rag

Mom Breezy talks in ALL-CAPS too – Crunk + Disorderly

Eva Longoria’s stupid ass is mixing up baby shower games with bridal shower games – I’m Not Obsessed

Oscar nom noms – Cityrag

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Would You Hit It?

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

If you don’t know anything about Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, here’s a few facts to help you make an educated decision on whether or not you would hit it.

– Aaron Jon Schock was born in Morris, Minnesota on May 28, 1981, which makes him a Gemini.
– Aaron Schock is a Republican congressman who has served Illinois’s 18th congressional district for two years.
– Aaron Schock is 29 years old making him the youngest U.S. Representative at the moment.
– Aaron Schock is not married and swears on his pink gingham shirt that he’s not gay.
– Aaron Schock is a conservative Baptist.
– Aaron Schock and his Photoshopped abs are working with Men’s Health for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge. Aaron says that like Michelle Obama, he wants America to drop the deep fried butter and pick up a free weight.
– Aaron Schock works out two hours a day.
– Aaron Schock rhymes with barren cock.

If you need another picture to make up your mind (and other parts), here’s Aaron giving us an “I can’t possibly be gay, because what gay person would wear shorts like these?! And no, I’m not wearing a sheer spandex Speedo thong underneath!” pose.

So have you made a decision yet? Okay, I’ll go first. Yes, I’d hit it, but only if he entertains me with a tap dancing routine in an airport men’s bathroom first!

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Open Post: Hosted By Zev & Justin’s Cries Of Pain

May 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Coming from someone who has been waxed before, I normally think that dudes who get waxed on TV exaggerate their screams of excruciating pain for melodramatic purposes. But on last night’s season finale of Amazing Race, I don’t think Zev and Justin were faking it for the cameras during their waxing challenge in Brazil.

These dudes were Harry and the Hendersons-like hairy. If I walked into your apartment and one of them was lounging on your living room floor, I’d compliment you on the gorgeous bear rug that really makes the room! They were hairier than a Kardashian’s asshole and Robin William’s tongue. So I felt their pain when the waxer pulled off chunks of their fur and had them hollerin’ like Ke$ha getting a bath.

At one point, Justin made it clear that he wanted to punch his torturer in the face. This is not something you say to a woman who can make a painful experience even more painful. Zev and Justin eventually got through it and felt better knowing that their torn-off follicles were donated to a good cause. What I mean by that is their used wax strips were fed to the Donald Trump beehive on Miss Rose’s head.

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