John Mayer’s Throat Won’t Let Him Be Great

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

All of John Mayer’s upcoming performances and the release date for his new album have been pushed back thanks to a growth that is clinging near his vocal cords and makes him feel like tiny Jessica Simpsons in spiked heels are tap dancing out the invisible words “sexual napalm” on his throat when he tries to sing. This is just too too toooooo easy (kind of like John Mayer’s dickkk), so I’ll just let you read what he wrote on his Tumblr (via Vulture) about the gonor-, I mean the granuloma that won’t let him yodel.

Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.

‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.

This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.

John

Well, at least now John has more time to devote to perfecting his bottom of the barrel Johnny Depp impersonation. You need more white pressed powder, John!

Afternoon Crumbs

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

Reformed boring person Brad Pitt is giving me slight stoner STAINS eyes on Sports Illustrated Just Jared

I just want to run my fingers through Kit Harrington’s hair, flick my hand over a frying pan and make some fried chicken – Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan’s transformation into Ginger from Casino is two snorts closer – The Superficial

Amber Rose’s silver dollar nipples since she doesn’t show them on the daily – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

JLo’s video needs more product placement from Fiat – Towleroad

The day a dude in a pink tie married Naomi Campbell’s nipple with his eyes – Celebitchy

It’s totally fitting that Miley Cyrus’ bedroom looks like a bordello – Hollywood Tuna

Kitteh vs. Printer – The Daily What

Uma Thurman’s broken circulation t-shirt trend has spread to Kristen Stewart Popsugar

The Lesbeaver needs to take those jeans off of Selena Gomez, slip them on and show that little ho how to really work ’em – Popoholic

Skeletor has a 17-year-old daughter – ICYDK

Tommy Girl will take one in every hide! – OMG Blog

Aaron Sorkin broke his nose while writing and a mirror was involved. No comment. – Videogum

For a change, Brit Brit’s piece is the one with Code 5150 eyes – The Berry

Chris Farley is alive! – Cityrag

File under: Things I shouldn’t type out loud. But am I the only shameless slut who thinks Brad Garrett is sort of hot? – SOW

Glazed eyes galore. All three of them were obviously hot boxin’ in the plane’s lavatory – I’m Not Obsessed

Basement Baby in London – Hollywood Rag

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A Norwegian Bank Brings Elisabetta Canalis’ Dream To Life

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

When Elisabetta Canalis was with George Clooney, she’d wake up in his sex dungeon with the drunks in her eyes hoping that heavy thing on her hitchin’ finger was not the dildo ring she used on him the night before, but a real wedding ring. It never was. But in this commercial for a Norwegian bank, Elisabetta’s dream is brought to life when a blondie wakes up and finds out she has just done the impossible: married George Clooney. The truth is, we’d all make that “barfing up my life” face if we married multimillionaire George Clooney and he only bought us that cheap ass single level.

And see if you can spot the very special cameo from Trace Cyrus!

via Jezebel

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Open Post: Hosted By Lil Wayne’s Brazilian Idol

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

If your pussy just clamp shut like it just heard John Mayer’s name and you can feel your uterus trying to shrivel down to the size of a bumblebee bat’s nutsack, that’s because your parts know exactly what’s going on in these pictures and they’re scared.

What you’re looking at are the exhausted faces of three woman with sweat shop wombs and Chapter 11 pussies who are staring at the fertile as fuck fool they wished they never let up into their sugar walls. That right there is what tired looks like when it puts on a house dress.

Guanabee introduces us to 90-year-old Brazilian farmer Luiz Costa De Oliveira who has overpopulated the world with at least 50 chirruns from 4 different women. When he’s not planting seeds, he’s planting seeds if you know what I mean. This dirty whore’s (or this “putito sucio” as my abuelita would probably say under her breath) made 17 children with his first wife Francisca. After Francisca died, Luiz met Maria Francisca and made 17 more babies with her. Maria Francisca must’ve been tired of her uterus trying to escape every time she took a piss, because she asked her sister Ozelita to come help her take care of her ten million children. You know what happened next. As soon as Ozelita stepped into the door, the bitch had a womb full of Luiz’s baby. They made 14 more tiny people together. 15 in total. The full fresh fuckery does not end there…

Ozelita asked her mother to come live with them and that old ho ended up spitting out one of Luiz’s babies too! So if you ever get a call from a Brazilian number you don’t know, back away from the phone like you’re in The Ring. It’s Ozelita calling and she wants you to come to Brazil to take one of the loads that Luiz is shooting out on the hour every hour.

But Luiz says that now that he has around 50 children and 100 grandchildren, he’s putting his deadly weapon back in the holster and retiring from his spawning days.

“I could have other children out there that I don’t know about because I’ve always liked making love. I don’t know all their names. I hardly make love anymore these days, even though I’m in good health. But I still remember how wonderful it is to be in bed with a woman.”

Luiz, his baby-making harem and his ten million children is what would happen if you put OctoMom, The Duggars, Kate Gosselin, Lil Wayne and KFed into a room together with nothing but IVF shots and a glimmer of a good time in their eyes. Nope.

Luiz has jizzed out a small principality and now he’s done. Luiz needs to zip up his dick hole and stay away from beds…and vaginas. Just stick your pinga in a bucket of Mountain Dew and don’t move.

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Saving The Most Gorgeous For Last

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

There’s a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler’s heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I’ve stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I’m ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler’s cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler’s cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.

The vodka sponge in Spaz’s head must have forgotten about which cable show she’s on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should’ve finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she’s a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.

Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called “Zombie Jizz“) she answered the question: “What does a Chinese Crested’s swollen anal glands look like?” And she also answered the question: “Do drunk zombies spray tan?

It’s okay to admit that Spaz’s beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.

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