Paging Maury

June 15, 2010 / Posted by:

During this whole Tiger Woods whore party, Maury Povich has been sitting by himself in the corner patiently awaiting for the moment he gets to jump up and join the fun and fuckery. Well, Maury’s moment has finally come, (maybe) because a member of Tiger Woods’ whorem claims that she popped out his secret love cub 9 years ago. In a new documentary set to air in the UK, porn star and pussy peddler Devon James claims that Tiger is the father of her 9-year-old son.

Devon and Tiger fucked on each other for about two years, and apparently he hardly ever wore a condom. A source tells Radar Devon got knocked up and gave birth to Baby Tiger in 2001 before Tiger married Elin. Tiger Woods didn’t know about his supposed son until 2006. Tiger has never taken a DNA test or given Devon any money, but she swears deep down in her checking account that he IS the father. Devon says that her baby looks just like Tiger.

If you took your eyeballs out, replaced them with Devon’s and then looked at Tiger Woods, you’d see a giant sparkly gold dollar sign. If you looked at Devon’s son, you’d see the same thing, so they really do look alike to her.

But seriously, bitch needs to stop. The only proof she has is that he sort of looks like Tiger? Did the kid ask for Ambien for his 9th birthday? Can he text message while running from a blonde woman with a golf club? If Devon can honestly answer “yes” to those two questions, then maybe Maury will need to step in.

More Like Big Melted Butter Jesus

June 15, 2010 / Posted by:

JESUS IS ON FIRE! Or Jesus WAS on fire, and now he’s nothing more than a steel frame. Late last night, God and Jeebus must have had a serious fight up in heaven after watching The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion (God is Team Bethenny, Jesus is Team Jill), because the former sharpened his lightning rod and threw it directly at the giant Big Butter Jesus (aka Touchdown Jesus) statue outside of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. The 62-foot-tall statue caught on fire and that shit burned to the ground.

The giant beacon of exquisite tackiness was built in 2004. It was made of plastic form and fiberglass, just like Heidi Montag so that bitch better stop namedropping God on her Twitter. God is never the one.

No injuries were reported, and I’m sure a new one made out of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter will rise in 3 days.

Here’s a video of flaming Jesus. If you squint your eyes, you can almost see Paula Deen running towards it with a giant wheelbarrow.

(Thanks Jill)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Jay Kay from Jamiroquai

In the mid-90s, Jamiroquai (which is iroquai for “Will Not Leave Your Ears“) pretty much ruled the world with that Virtual Insanity shit. You could not escape it, because it was everywhere. At one point, I think my asshole started humming Virtual Insanity, because my farts sounded just like it. And even my piss tinkles sounded like the chorus of that song. Sometimes when I get on a moving walkway at an airport, I pretend I’m in that video. It’s a mess.

Well, Jay Kay from Jamiroquai is back in a big way! And by that I mean that he’s doing Cup Noodle commercials in Japan. Apparently, they dubbed his ass to sing, “I am hungry, I am hungry, I like Cup Noodle, I don’t need other one.”

And not only has that song returned to my head like a herpes outbreak, but now I have a craving for raw Cup Noodles. I mean, who actually cooks that shit?

via Watashi to Tokyo

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Birthday Sluts

June 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Neil Patrick Harris (37)
Nadine Coyle (25)
Daniel Vosovic (29)
Mary Carey (30)
Elizabeth Reaser (35)
Andy Pettitte (38)
Chloe Dao (38)
Jake Busey (39)
Bif Naked (39)
Leah Remini (40)
Ice Cube (41)
Tory Burch (44)
Idalis DeLeon (44)
Courtney Cox (46)
Helen Hunt (47)
Michèle Laroque (50)
Julie Hagerty (55)
Polly Draper (55)
Jim Belushi (56)
Johnny Hallyday (67)

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I’ve Lost Count

June 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Alcohol stocks in the UK have plummeted, because that Amy Wino has returned to her favorite place in the world (after Bargain Booze) THE CLINIC to fill her system with liquid that doesn’t come from a twist cap and is best served in a yard long.

The Sun is saying that Wino checked into rehab for the (count as high as you can and enter the number here followed by “th“) time over the weekend after her new boyfriend Reg Traviss told her that she needed to dry out.

Some source tells The Sun, “When she’s not on the bottle they get on brilliantly. But Reg has told her to quit the booze, otherwise he’ll be off, and she hit it hard last week. She wants to keep him so has decided to make a huge effort to stay sober.”

Usually when a bitch snatches the booze bottle from Wino, she grabs it back and downs the contents in a quick minute before smashing it over their head. But Wino didn’t do that with Reg, so she must be entering one of the final stages of dickmatization. Wino is choosing dick over the sweet nectar. Dick so good that it will make you quit the booze is a serious thing.

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