Art Imitating Life!

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

This one is easy. Hugh Jackmeoff and Kate Winslet will star in what has been described as a “raunchy” 5-minute segment in the Farrelly Brothers new movie. Hugh Jackman knows his audience, because Movieline says that he will play (SPOILER ALERT) a man whose man berries are attached to his chin. Someone who apparently read the script explained it like this:

Well, I’ve read it. So I know the secret. And I guess I’ll spoil it, though it’ll probably be funnier as a surprise. […] Jackman’s balls are located under his chin. And no one ‘sides Winslet seems to notice/care.

So it’s a documentary! Hugh has already done plenty of research, so he’s pretty much perfect for this role. It’s also a good excuse for when his wife catches him with huevos on his chin. IT’S RESEARCH!

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There’s No Escaping Kate Gosselin

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Once Kate Gosselin finishes terrorizing millions with her zombie dance of doom on Dancing with the Never-Wases, she will return to TLC in not one but two new projects. The shiny sparkle on this butt nugget is that Jon Grosselin is not in either show. Yup, so Jon needs to keep spit shining Christian Audigier’s crotch raisins, because he has lawyer bills to pay!

USA Today brings us the news that Kate will star in the vommy titled show Twist of Kate. It gets worse. Kate will travel the country (TO THE SAFE HOUSE!!!) and visit the homes and workplaces of everyday people to walk a mile “in their shoes.”

Does Kate take requests? Because I think we would all like to see her in the shoes of a pirate who is about to walk the plank. Or the shoes of a steak about to be thrown into the lion cage at the zoo (don’t tell Kate that steaks don’t wear shoes). Or the shoes of Tommy Girl’s proctologist. Or the shoes of a Jennifer Aniston impersonator at a Brangeloonie convention. Etc.. etc…

Kate had this to say about her new show, “I want to be out there learning from others, helping to provide insight whenever I can, though I don’t consider myself an expert on anything.”

In addition to Twist of Kate, she will also co-star in a series of Kate Plus 8 specials with the child army.

Twist of Kate will debut on TLC in the Summer along with Sarah Palin’s Alaska. So if you ever want to know what it feels like to laugh, cry and dry heave at the exact same time just turn on TLC in the Summer.

Vanilla Gorilla Does Not Have A Sex Tape

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Sandra Bullock has already come out and said that you need to look elsewhere for a Nazi and scat-filled fuck tape (hint: Mel Gibson’s attic), because she never made one with Vanilla Gorilla.

Yesterday, Vanilla Gorilla released his own statement denying the existence of ANY fuck tape starring him. There was a rumor floating around the toilet that VG made nearly a dozen tapes with several of his side-hos. VG burps to People that it ain’t so:

“The claims of sex tapes are untrue and completely fabricated.”

Isn’t fabricated a strange word? Obviously, it makes me think of fabric, which makes me think of Jo-Ann’s, which makes me think of Butterick patterns, which makes me wonder if they ever made patterns for Nazi uniforms. VG would know. But I’m digressing again…

So there you go. NO SEX TAPES. Class is released. You can go back to not giving a dick.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 7th!

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Glade’s new collection of skank-scented room fragrances are available in a wide array of exciting life-sized dispensers, all designed to coordinate beautifully with your decor. – SoulTaker

Runners-up:

No wonder it all sounds shitty…All of Ke$ha’s drunk/whore/party music gets pulled out of her ass. – Captain Who-Who

Did anyone tell her that her drink was non-alcoholic? – will.i.am

Samro’s new girlfriend is boots above Lohan. – misstia

(Photo by Amy Phillips for Pitchfork)

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Dr. Pepper Gum – In the 1980s (duh and duh), Dr. Pepper put out their own gum that was filled their syrup. When you bit into it, you got a splash of DP syrup to the froat. A corn syrup injection! It gave you an instant cavity. Like all magical things, it didn’t last long and Dr. Pepper doesn’t make it anymore.

It was totally my favorite gum at that time. Yes, I know that explains everything. You don’t have to tell me that. It’s already in my mental health file.

(Image via Once Upon A Win)

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Birthday Sluts

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Taylor Kitsch (29)
Kirsten Storms (26)
Katee Sackhoff (30)
Anouk (35)
Patricia Arquette (42)
Robin Wright Penn (44)
Biz Markie (46)
Julian Lennon (47)
Izzy Stradlin (48)
John Schneider (50)
Kane Hodder (55)
Brenda Russell (61)
Vivienne Westwood (69)
Betty Ford (92)

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