Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Which actress isn’t really such a sweetheart? She recently shredded a pile of clothes her off-again boyfriend had left at her house and sent him a box filled with the scraps. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

YES! Reese Witherspoon is finally letting her greatest character, Vanessa Lutz from Freeway, shine through! Okay, okay, I know you’re thinking why would Reese shred Jakey’s favorite terry cloth shorty shorts (with “juicy” written on the ass) if they amicably ended their contract. Just let me have my fantasy about the return of Vanessa Lutz. “Mister, I’m a person!

The folks who create the seating chart for the Golden Globes received a request from the team of this previous Golden Globes Award nominee/winner that she be seated as far away from another celebrity as possible at Sunday’s ceremony. Although their breakup wasn’t recent, it had been ugly, and they still typically avoid each other whenever possible. You see, although their original relationship was a setup, she thought that their relationship had gone from fake to real over time and that she was The One. She wasn’t, and she was genuinely hurt when he moved on to another fake relationship. It’s always a little funny and sad to see the fake smile she puts on whenever his name is mentioned. Then again, her entire face was oddly tight at the awards show. Snip, snip! (Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Aniston and B. Coopy? Or Cameron Diaz and Gerry Butler?

The tabloids are all in a feeding frenzy about a celebrity in sex rehab and it doesn’t involve Tiger Woods or David Duchovny. Instead this has been mostly outpatient. The actor is B+/A- list. Bigger than David. Most of the time he is in movies but he would show up on television if you are his friend. Married because if you are single you don’t really check into sex rehab. Oh, he is good looking. Child/ren. Actress wife. (CDAN)

Ben Affleck? Or Will Smith (hah)?

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Afternoon Crumbs

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Cindy McCain STAINZIN with her eyes for the No8 Campaign – Towleroad

Miranda Kerr reads the newspaper?!?! – Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson’s bloatface – Hollywood Tuna

RiRi yodels for Haiti – Just Jared

Grab your camel toe and lead it to Ice-T and CoCo’s den of love – Cityrag

St. Angie is hot for teacher – Lainey Gossip

Revenge body is the new bikini body – Celebitchy

Lily Allen wearing a necklace made out of Siamese twin carrots (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Ryan Reynolds is a walking JcPenney catalog cover – Popsugar

Over the Moon Watch (And this one hurts): David Walliams is engaged – Holy Moly!

Maybe the seven lines Mischa Barton did her in trailer had something to do with this – I’m Not Obsessed

Avatar can retire to the Tree of Souls now, because the real 3D spectacular of 2010 is about to arrive – SOW

Kim Kardassian sucks a lollipop like it’s a cock. Ya.wn. – Socialite Life

Brooke Mueller is in the hospital – ICYDK

Shocking shit (sarcasm). Nay Nay used to be a member of the OxyContin fan club – Hollywood Rag

A Sad: Jennifer Lyon from Survivor: Palau passed away at the age of 37 –UsWeekly

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Tiger, Is That You?

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

*Image removed per request, but you can see it on every other site on the Internets!*

The National Enquirer is saying that this is Tiger Woods holding a cup full of regret (with a dash of Ambien) outside of a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The Enquirer has been saying for a while now that Tiger’s peen is speaking to a therapist at Pine Grove about his constant hunger for white vag. Their sources say that Tiger is undergoing a six-week program for sexual addiction. The program was created by a Dr. Patrick Carnes.

Hos out there looking to beat the recession should immediately go to Hattiestburg and get a job as a waitress at the Keg & Barrel. It’ll only be a matter of time before Tiger strolls in, winks at your ass and gives you a story you can sell to The Insider. Make sure to dedicate your Penthouse spread to me!

An eyewitness says she’s sure it’s Tiger in the pictures, because he jumped in the bushes and cowered in fear when she said Elin’s name.

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Tater Tot’s New Look

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Tater Tot, the 4-year-old boy who was put on in-school suspension after he refused to take a pair of scissors to his luxurious bob, has been allowed back in class as long as he keeps his hair in a double French braid. Tater Tot’s mom Elizabeth Taylor (who is the spitting image of this Elizabeth Taylor) has been trying to find a way that her son can go to class without cutting his beautiful mop.

The school’s dumb ass policy states that every boy’s hair must be kept out of the eyes and can’t drop lower than the earlobes. Tater Tot’s day isn’t complete without flipping his hair while humming the Salon Selectives jingle, so he really didn’t want to chop his locks. Elizabeth Taylor worked with the school’s principal and came to the agreement that Tater Tot can sit with his fellow classmates if he wears his new ‘do.

Why didn’t I have Tater Tot’s problems when I was his age? I used to put a pair of control-top panty hose (sorry mom) over my head and pretend it was a flowing waterfall of luscious hair. I would’ve given up my Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine to be able to wear a French braid that made me look like I was about to bust into a pirouette before leaping across the floor like a graceful swan.

Principal Wilson & Kelly Taylor Quit 90210

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

The three of us who still watch the new 90210 shouldn’t expect to see Rob Estes and Jennie Garth’s faces on the first episode of season 3, because both of them have quit the show for different reasons. And unfortunately, none of those reasons involve the wrath of Brenda Walsh.

Radar reports that Rob Testes and The CW couldn’t come to an agreement over his contract. Rob wanted a bigger allowance from The CW, but the network refused to open their wallet and told him to get a paper route. A source said, “Rob’s not happy about it all. Basically they couldn’t agree on money and that’s all it comes down to. Rob’s an experienced actor and feels he deserves to be compensated accordingly, but the CW just want to cut costs and they want to reward all these young, hot, up and coming, and therefore cheaper, actors and actresses instead.

As for Jennie, her manager says that she never wanted to be a regular on the show and wants to pursue other projects (examples: taking naps at 2 in the afternoon, learning every single Judge Judy-ism, seeing how long she can go without changing her socks, and trying to beat John Mayer’s masturbation record).

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