What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe’s costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney’s funeral matron collection. Totally normal!
Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka “her buffet visitin’ purse“). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she’s saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That’s when she’s really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let’s hope that’s what’s brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!
So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner’s list:
Best Film: The King’s Speech
Outstanding British Film: The King’s Speech
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network
Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3
Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Supporting Actor: The King’s Speech, Geoffrey Rush
Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
The full list with all the nominees is here. And here’s a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn’t there) and Gerard Slutler.
And every stork just nose dived into the damn ground. Kacey Jordan, the 22-year-old fuck film star who got a $30,000 check from Charlie Sheen during his massive crack & cooch party, has found her womb full of something other than tears from her other organs, crack smoke and 31 flavors of rogue jizz. Kacey is pregnant with a fetus who rapidly developed a face just so that it could make a “FUCK MY LIFE” expression.
bought the text from Kacey’s not right ass with a gift certificate to the free clinic magically got a hold of a text message that Kacey sent to Charlie Sheen telling him that she’s knocked up and doesn’t “think” the baby is his. TMZ’s sources say that Charlie wrapped his crack dick up in a condom before humping on Kacey, but they were both so fucked up that she’s not sure if they did it right. Charlie shouldn’t worry about Kacy’s name being added to his payroll under “baby mamas,” because if any of his sperm fish managed to stumble down her crotch alley, I doubt they made it to the right place. Those jizz fishes were so cracked out that they wandered around and begged anything they came in contact with for a quarter or 25 cents. And it’s not like they’d have the strength to break through an egg. If anything, they probably just passed out on top.
Charlie has yet to say anything about this, and Kacey is going to get an abortion in the next few days. In case you wanted to know. It’s sort of a sad shame, because what baby wouldn’t want to crawl into the kitchen and find his mother with lube in her hair, a coke haze in her eyes and a mouth that is throwing out the words, “You want some Wonder Breads, baby?”
Most of us have already said that Lady Caca’s “Born This Way” sounds like a Xeroxed copy of Madge’s “Express Yourself” that was rolled into crushed disco ball pieces and wrapped in a rainbow flag. Madge has yet to take her lips off of Baby Brahim’s peen long enough to comment on this comparison. But her performance of “Express Yourself” at the 1989 VMAs was uploaded to her YouTube Channel yesterday and some think this is her label’s subtle way of yanking at Lady Caca’s tuck. Examiner is also hearing that Madge might re-release Express Yourself so that bitches don’t have to settle for second best, baby.
Not only is Born This Way THE GAY ANTHEM OF EVERY GENERATION, ETC…., but it’s also the pair of pliers that is pulling the cuntness out of Madge. It’s been much too long since we’ve seen Madge bring by the blatant bitchery by slapping a young pop trollop while she’s still sitting in her high chair. I knew Born This Way was good for something! For this, I’m grateful to the Caca one. And since we’re re-releasing shit, can Our Lady of Cheetos re-fart the underground classic E-Mail My Heart? Not because E-Mail My Heart has anything to do with Born This Way, but because it’s a ridiculous mess of a shit masterpiece that deserves more glory. And everyone has been doing e-mails:
The world according to Brit Brit video via FourFour
Mike Perrine (the elephant dumpling on the left) and Dallas Glover, the co-winners of San Diego’s Mr. Beer Belly 2011 contest! And the unofficial co-winners of San Diego’s Mr. Shadiest Peen 2011 contest!
Sign On San Diego (via Fark) was at the Eastbound Bar & Grill yesterday afternoon when a handful of people who are each about 11-months pregnant with a giant gas ball of yeast competed to see who’s got the biggest beer party in their guts. Out of six dudes and 1 chick, Mike and Dallas were declared the most gutalicious in all the land (aka the San Diego area). Mike and Dallas both won Padres tickets for proving to a crowd of 100 that they can pretty much crush a can with the humongous undertit on their torso and that they can park in the “Expectant Mother Parking Space” without getting one side-eye or second blink.
And yeah, this dude is totally not impressed.
But he’s giving Mike and Dallas inspiration for next year’s contest! Burp and fart out a beer bubble for Dallas and Mike!
Henry Rollins (50)
Prince Michael Jackson I (14)
Mena Suvari (32)
Robbie Williams (37)
Kelly Hu (43)
Pernilla August (53)
Peter Gabriel (61)
Stockard Channing (67)
Jerry Springer (67)
Carol Lynley (69)
George Segal (77)
Kim Novak (78)
Emanuel Ungaro (78)
Dorothy McGuire (83)
Words will cheapen this beyond beautiful public moment between Rojo Caliente, her queen Cynthia Nixon and the adorable new Rojo Prince of Gingers Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (aka Prince MEN), so I will leave you to print this out in the finest velvet, frame it in gilded gold and place it at an altar surrounded by cinnamon candles. This is my new religion (sorry, Church of Lucite). Who needs a fireplace (or even a radiator that works) when you’ve got this?
But I will say just one thing…. Why the hell are they posing in front of that cheap ass business park curtain?! They should be in front of a royal blue velvet curtain trimmed with solid gold! Oh, what am I saying? Rojo is forever humble. And we pray….
(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)