White Oprah Wants To Do Dancing With The Stars

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Bristol Palin was on Dancing with the Stars and her claim to fame is passing a human baby through her vagina, so White Oprah probably thinks that because she once passed a human baby through her vagina (as far as she knows anyway…the 1980s were a Darvocet blur) she has a shot at joining the cast! The producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens offered Lindsay Lohan the chance to shimmy her labia next season, but she turned it down. However, White Oprah tells Radar that LiLo thinks SHE should be in that mess:

“We are huge fans of the show and think it’s incredible. We’ll watch it, but it is not going to happen. Lindsay actually told the woman at Dancing With The Stars who made the offer that ‘you need to take my mom!’

Lindsay is a great dancer, but she’s taking a break right now. She has been through a lot. Our family loves the show because I’m a dancer, and I taught dance when Lindsay was growing up. I dragged her from one dance studio to another, and she sat in front of the mirrors and watched, while I taught.”

Oh White Oprah, never change. And never remove the “There’s No Place Like Home” sign that Delusion nailed to the inside of your head.

This will never happen, though. First of all, White Oprah is the glow-in-the-dark star that fell off my bedroom ceiling and collected dust on the carpet until a Hoover sucked it up years later, but she isn’t a STAR STAR. Although, DWTS has stretched the definition of “star” so much that it’s completely unrecognizable to the human eye, so maybe I lose that argument.

But it still wouldn’t be fair to the other contestants, because White Oprah has YEARS of dance experience. And yes, shaking your titties for Russian mobsters in the back room of an off-track betting place in the late 1970s counts as dance experience!

Hard Nips, Pursed Lips

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

It’s times like this that makes me wish there was an antidote to the shameless slut gene. These pictures of overgrown manboy Tommy Girl with his biceps and pec boners out on the Vancouver set of Mission Impossible Too Many should make me feel all gross and glib inside, but they aren’t…. I’m just going to leave these here and slowly back up into a cold shower to freeze the shame out before I type anything I might seriously regret later.

Oprah Almost Killed Hugh Jackman!

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Sort of. Not really. But Hugh Jackman almost became a one-eyed Australian butt pirate today when a zip-lining stunt went terribly wrong! Hugh was supposed to make a grand entrance onto Oprah’s show at the Sydney Opera House (please don’t tell me they renamed it the Sydney Oprah House for her), but he hit the brakes too late and crashed into one of the lighting rigs. HUGH! You must protect THE FACE at all times! That’s your money. This is an Australian law! Get a front face helmet! And two nipple helmets too while you’re at it.

Here’s the footage of Hugh’s eye violently eye fucking a lighting rig. If you laugh, Hugh’s baby frenchie makes a sad with his little mouth.

People says that Hugh’s injury was as serious as a cum splatter to the eye. Paramedics patched up his small eye bruise and Hugh went on with the show. Hugh told the audience not to put the stunt team on execution row for the accident, because it was totally his fault: “I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbor, saw my dad, the kids and you, went to pull the brake and then boing. Totally my bad.”

It’s a good thing that Hugh didn’t lose his eyeballs, because then he wouldn’t do that adorable “OW IT STINGS” thing when you get a little of your goodness on him during fucky times. But even if he did lose his eye, I’m sure Oprah would’ve given him a new one with diamonds in it. You get an eye, and you get an eye, and YOUUUUUU get an eye!

Morning Foolery: The Tourist Receives 3 Golden Globe Nominations

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Did the Golden Globes ballots get mixed up with the Razzie ballots or did Maddox become the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association without us knowing about it, because the critical and box office flopsterpiece The Tourist got 3 nominations this morning! We now know who was smoking salvia with Miley Cyrus.

AND The Tourist got all their nominations in the comedy categories including Best Comedy/Musical, Best Actress Comedy and Best Actor Comedy. Is that mess even a comedy or did their accents push it into LOL section? And AND Johnny Depp also got nominated for playing Madge and Carrot Top’s acid baby in Alice in Wonderland.

If they really want St. Angie to grace their event with her holiness, they should’ve just made Shiloh, Zahara or Vivi Miss Golden Globe 2010. There was no need to throw her ass a nomination. On the other hand, seeing her vein pop as she throws a divine cuntface when she loses is going to be a religious experience.

But the movie comedy categories overall are a damn mess. The comedy nominations are funnier than any of the movies nominated. The HFPA has made it easy for the Razzie committee. I mean, Alice in Wonderland, The Tourist, Burlesque and Love & Other Drugs? I’m surprised they didn’t go FULL FUCKERY by throwing Sex and the City 2 and The Bounty Hunter in there. They Razzie committee can just use the movie comedy ballot as their nomination list and take the rest of the year off. The HFPA did all the work for them!

Anyway, The King’s Speech got the most movie nominations with 7, followed by The Social Network and The Fighter with 6 each. On the TV side, Glee got the most with 5 nominations. The really long list of noms is after the jump. GO MELISSA LEO! GO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT (Ha and Ha)! JUMP!

MOTION PICTURE NOMINEES

BEST PICTURE (DRAMA)
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Social Network

BEST PICTURE (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids are All Right
Red
The Tourist

BEST ACTOR (DRAMA)
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine
Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter

BEST ACTRESS (DRAMA)
Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Natalie Portman Black Swan
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine

BEST ACTOR (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland
Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version
Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs
Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack

BEST ACTRESS (COMEDY/MUSICAL)
Annette Bening, The Kids are All Right
Anne Hathaway, Love and Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie, The Tourist
Julianne Moore, The Kids are All Right
Emma Stone, Easy A

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christian Bale, The Fighter
Michael Douglas, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Andrew Garfield, The Social Network
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis, Black Swan
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

DIRECTOR
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
David Fincher, The Social Network
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David O. Russell, The Fighter

ANIMATED FILM
Despicable Me
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
Toy Story 3

SCREENPLAY
Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg, The Kids are All Right
Christopher Nolan, Inception
David Seidler, The King’s Speech
Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

FOREIGN-LANGUAGE FILM
Biutiful
The Concert
The Edge
I am Love
In a Better World

ORIGINAL SCORE
Alexandre Desplat, The King’s Speech
Danny Elfman, Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahmann, 127 Hours
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, The Social Network
Hans Zimmer, Inception

ORIGINAL SONG
“Bound to You” from Burlesque
“Coming Home” from Country Strong
“I See the Light” from Tangled
“There’s a Place for Us” from The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
“You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque

PRIMETIME TELEVISION NOMINEES

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
“Boardwalk Empire”
“Dexter”
“The Good Wife”
“Mad Men”
“The Walking Dead”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Piper Perabo, “Covert Affairs”
Katey Sagal, “Sons of Anarchy”
Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Laurie, “House”

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
“30 Rock”
“The Big Bang Theory”
“The Big C”
“Glee”
“Modern Family”
“Nurse Jackie”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Toni Collette, “United States of Tara”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
Laura Linney, “The Big C”
Lea Michelle, “Glee”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
Steve Carell, “The Office”
Thomas Jane, “Hung”
Matthew Morrison, “Glee”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
“Carlos”
“The Pacific”
“Pillars of the Earth”
“Temple Grandin”
“You Don’t Know Jack”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hayley Atwell, “Pillars of the Earth”
Claire Danes, “Temple Grandin”
Judi Dench, “Return to Cranford”
Romola Garai, “Emma”
Jennifer Love Hewitt, “The Client List”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Ian McShane, “Pillars of the Earth”
Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack”
Dennis Quaid, “The Special Relationship”
Edgar Ramirez, “Carlos”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hope Davis, “The Special Relationship”
Jane Lych, “Glee”
Kelly MacDonald, “Boardwalk Empire”
Julia Stiles, “Dexter”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Scott Caan, “Hawaii Five-O”
Chris Colfer, “Glee”
Chris Noth, “The Good Wife”
Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”
David Strathairn, “Temple Grandin”

(List via ROS)

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 13th!

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

‘Yeah the uniform is comfy, plus Mrs Duggar pays me a lot of money to look after her kids, all in all the job’s all right.’ – Emeriesan

Runners-up:

Is it cold out there, or are you just happy to see me? – Eileenie McMeanie

Angelina reveals her secret to staying thin just before entering another orphanage. – NitWitty

Can someone please confiscate Miley’s cellphone? Enough is enough. – lazee

Source: Deviant Art via Helen of desTroy via WOW Report

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Bailey D. Buffalo Jr., the beer-drinking, bar-hopping buffalo of Spruce Grove, Alberta! When Jim “The Buffalo Whisperer” Sautner lost his buffalo soulmate, the original Bailey, in 2008 his heart was left empty but it was quickly filled with tufts of calf hair when Bailey Jr. stumbled into his life. And 2 years later, Jim and Bailey Jr. are best friends and drinking buddies. Jim hillbillied his sedan by turning it into a sawed-off convertible so that he could take Bailey Jr. to the bar with him. Bailey Jr. loves beer as much as he loves shaking his 1600-pound ass on the dance floor! 1600-pound buffaloes are just like us!

Here’s the BREAKING NEWS story showing how Bailey Jr. rolls:

The Canadian Khloe Kardashian is SOOOO MUCH BETTER than the American Khloe Kardashian! Can we trade?

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