Courtney Love’s Chonies Freakout At Heathrow

May 14, 2010 / Posted by:

When Courtney Love isn’t spilling her shit all over Twitter, she’s spilling her skid mark stained chonies all over the floor at Heathrow Airport. Apparently, Courtney brought her crazy act to Heathrow when she started throw her panties and bras all over the place while repacking her luggage. Even homeless dudes with shopping carts full of used kitty litter and broken Precious Moments figurines think this bitch is crazy. The New York Post’s Cindy Adams says:

At Heathrow, heading for here, a total meltdown. Sprawled on the floor, packing and repacking her luggage — bras and panties under people’s feet.

And in the crowded hall shrieking . . . shrieking . . . at her assistant: “I told you already to get rid of that f – – – ing Burberry scarf. I’m keeping the Chloe.”

Then, eight hours of performance art in first class, which is always enjoyable to make a flight go faster. Again, screaming into coach where her poor harried assistant sat: “Why are you just sitting there? What are you doing about my Kindle? I need a charger cable for my Kindle.”

Are we sure Courtney even has an assistant? I would’ve be surprised if she was yelling at an imaginary assistant while swatting at the bugs in her hair. Those bugs are trying to dig into her brain so that they can eat her thoughts and run back to her enemies. So I totally understand why she would swat at them.

And if Courtney really does have an assistant I hope for his sake he’s 90% deaf in both ears and knows someone with unlimited amounts of Morphine. Actually, I think I just described Courtney herself.

The Exact Moment When A Young Boy Learns What Natural Beauty Really Is

May 14, 2010 / Posted by:

In 20 years when this boy is standing at the altar getting ready to marry a half melted dildo with hair like a scarecrow’s nut bush, lips like the swollen anus of a power bottom gorilla and breasts that look like two basketballs made out of salmon jerky, he’ll think fondly of the moment he gazed upon the Empress of Lucite and vowed to make a beauty like her his wife one day.

And also in 20 years, I’ll be pouring Ensure and blended Mother’s Circus Animal Cookies into my feeding tube while a nurse reads me the previous sentence from a book titled: THE WORST SENTENCES EVER WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. Memories.

Here’s Shauna Sand and one of her lucite courtesans, fellow porn star Taylor Wayne, charming a young boy in South Beach yesterday afternoon. This is just like that scene in 8 1/2 where the young Italian boy learns about love from the local beach whore. But instead of local beach whores, the young boy above is learning about love and beauty from the modern day versions of Venus and Aphrodite.

Warning: There’s a few bare nipples in the pictures below, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly get a craving for grilled pepperonis and goat milk.

Matt Lauer Is Not Getting A Divorce

May 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Matt Lauer is all mad and shit about the rumors that his wife of 12 years Annette has thrown his ass onto the curb after she suspected him of cheating with several hos in Vancouver last February. The rumor goes that while Matt was covering the Winter Olympics, he down low dicked several pieces (not including the hot piece pictured above with Matt) who aren’t his wife. Whitney Houston’s half-sister Alexis has already denied that she’s one of Matt’s side-pieces.

Matt tells People that the story is a straight up falsity:

“I am living in my apartment with Annette and my children as a family and a couple. I have never moved out. I am not moving out. There is no truth to that.”

Annette Lauer says in a separate interview with PEOPLE, “Out of self respect, I want to stand up for our family and protect them.”

Even if the rumors are true, Annette is not going to send Matt to a hotel. I mean, why let him waste money you can collect in the settlement?! That’s just stupid thinking. Although, you don’t let him sleep on the sofa in case a drop of his whore’s cooch juice dribbles out of his mouth and onto your cushions while he’s sleeping. And you don’t let him sleep in the guest room, because when your mother comes to visit you don’t want her to catch ass crabs (or do you?). You give him the bed sheet with your period stains on it and send him to sleep in the bath tub!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Jonathan Ke Quan (or Ke Huy Quan as he sometimes goes by), the former child superstar who snatched the spotlight in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Goonies and Head of the Class!

Just the other day I was thinking about Head of the Class (which is a normal thing for me) when I wondered what had become of Jasper. My guess was that was he still a 10-year-old auditioning for movies where he plays a sidekick who gets excited about fucking everything. But Jonathan actually grew up! Imagine that! And unlike most former child stars, he isn’t eating crack smoke, flashing his carniceria to paps or selling his used chonies on eBay. Well, as far as I know he’s not. Here’s a picture of Jonathan from a few years ago:

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Birthday Sluts

May 14, 2010 / Posted by:

C.C. DeVille (48)
Miranda Cosgrove (17)
Amber Tamblyn (27)
Sophie Anderton (33)
Martine McCutcheon (34)
Natalie Appleton (37)
Shanice (37)
Gabriel Mann (38)
Sofia Coppola (39)
Danny Wood (41)
Cate Blanchett (41)
Raphael Saadiq (44)
Tim Roth (49)
David Byrne (58)
Robert Zemeckis (59)
George Lucas (66)

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