Michelle Williams Wants To Wash Your Dirty Panties

September 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Michelle Williams tells Hobo Magazine (via UsWeekly) that she sometimes lets her mind twirl around in the puffy clouds and dreams of one day trading in six-figure paychecks for shit swipes on white briefs. Michelle saw some stage show in Paris and it gave her ideas of quitting acting to become a laundress or chef. My Chinese laundry lady would curse this wittle white bitch out in her native tongue, but her hiss time is already full with cursing my name for various reasons I do not wish to discuss.

This is the dream bubble bullshit Michelle said to Hobo:

I went to see two productions put on by Complicite, Simon’s theatre troupe and felt like I had the sleep rubbed out of my eyes. It seemed like a new horizon for me. I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef or maybe writing other people’s love letters for a living. Clearly, I don’t like to be in charge. And thinking of quitting is just keeping going in disguise. When you have options, anything is bearable. It’s when a situation is inescapable that it becomes hell. It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage.

This head in the clouds ho right here. Newsflash, Michelle. You ain’t Daniel Day-Lewis and life ain’t like My Beautiful Laundrette.

Like Michelle Williams said, she’s rich so it’s easy for her to think that doing laundry is a glamorous aria like it is in the operas! This chick probably thinks that when you’re a laundress, you get to wear a pristine white cotton dress and leap through the grass fields before you play a game of peek-a-boo with your fellow laundresses in between the bed sheets hanging on the clothesline. Then Michelle will whistle a happy tune as she skips down a pathway, holding a wicker basket full of folded white laundry that smells like the spring rain and flower farts.

Guess what, Michelle? In reality, that grassy knoll with the clothesline is really a hot, dirty storefront full of hos who don’t want to be there. That laundry in the wicker basket needs to be folded by you. Some prop master isn’t going to hand it to you. You have to stare at faded period stains on a sheet while trying to fold it. You have to look at a man’s chonies and try to figure out if that yellow stain is from last-minute bladder drops or dried jizz.

I swear, those Snuggle Bear commercials are giving some hos uneducated dreams.

Being A Crazed Crackhead Asshole Pays Off

September 20, 2011 / Posted by:

I didn’t spend one minute with the premiere of Hobo Yanni on Two and a Half Men or Comedy Central’s Annual Douche Barbecue, because if I want to slowly torture all of my senses, then rainbow sequins and satin-slathered crotch bulges must be involved (see: Dancing with the Sores). But Charlie could give three tiger clits and a warlock dick (Side note: Googling “warlock dick” taught me is the name of the man who played psychotic human killer Michael Meyers. There has to be a connection there somewhere.) that some of us didn’t watch the pimples on his ass lips get flambéed by comics and Steve-O. Charlie don’t care, because he’s too busy drawing up blueprints for his planned tunnel to Colombia with rest stops at the finest underground whore houses in Mexico and South America.

TMZ reports that Charlie and Warner Bros. have settled their fight over the warlock cock bag getting kicked off of Two and a Half Men. WB will cut Charlie a $25 million check in a couple of weeks for work he has already done on the show. On top of that, Charlie will get around $100 million over the next 10 years for syndication profits. If you were drawing yourself as a She-Ra character on your paper bag book cover during math class and missed the whole “adding and subtracting” part like I did, then let me do the calculator work for you and tell you Charlie is going to get at least $125 million for this shit.

The thing that hurts me in the soul most about this news is that it brought back the hash tag from hell #WINNING. The good news is that this new mountain of cash will keep Charlie busy while keeping the bad shit and porn pussy peddling trades alive. And if that doesn’t keep Charlie busy, then somebody please tell him that it looks like he has a pair of hair tits on his head. Trying to motorboat his hair will keep Charlie from leaving the house for the next few weeks.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 19th!

September 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Immediately after: “Oh shit! The cops!…..ooohhh heh heh heh….every time, man. EVERY time.” – TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

Bored of sending messages via her manicure in court, Lindsay decided it was time to be a bit more forthright about what she thought of the law. – Raquin

I thought homegirl was an equal opportunity ho when she said she sucks off the black and white. – OurMissC

I fought the law… nah, I didn’t. I just stayed home and got baked. – atlantapug

via PIU

Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Khemmikka Na Songkhla, the professional titty slapper of Bangkok (more like Bangtit) who slaps the beauty right into women all over Thailand.

Over in the mythical land of Thailand, ladies who want to be plumper in the chichi area but don’t want a surgeon’s scalpel cutting into their body go to Miss Songkhla who uses an ancient secret technique called Smacking Yo Bitch Titties Up to bring a woman closer to Christina Hendricks proportions without surgery. Miss Songkhla uses her magical hands to pinch, slap and knead fat into chichis as the soundtrack from Vibes plays in the background.

Miss Songkhla’s titty slapping boutique was in danger of being shut down when one woman claimed that getting her breasts Ike Turnered gave her cancer. The Thai Health Ministry stepped in and conducted a 6-month study where they closely examined Miss Songkhla’s chichi abuse techniques. After all was said and done, and they cleaned up the mess in their chonies, they ruled that not only does Miss Songkhla’s techniques not cause breast cancer, but some subjects’ chichis actually grew a few cup sizes. Miss Songkhla’s titty slapping hand is government approved!

That right there is the perfect job. You get to legally whoop a trick for a check? Count me in. Miss Songkhla teaches her ancient art to wannabe titty slappers for over $100,000, but I don’t need to learn from her. I watch a lot of Dynasty and Bad Girls Club. If you want a JLo ass, just come to me and I’ll get you there by giving your nalgas a double “You stole my man AND company” slap. I’ll even moisturize your ass skin by spitting at it. My salon will also offer an ancient hood rat technique that strengthens follicle roots by dragging you by the hair on the floor. Don’t worry, gentlemen, there’s also dick treatments for you. My choke, pinch and flick technique might not make your peen grow a few inches, but it will definitely keep that bitch in check!

Oh, and both RiRi and that Cleveland party bus driver now know why they received invoices in the mail from Chris Brown and Matthew Fox’s Titty Slapping Salon of Beauty. This is also why you should run a credit check and take your piece’s bank account information before you spank them in the ass during fuck times. That shit is extra.

via The Frisky

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Birthday Sluts

September 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Sophia Loren (77)
Yung Joc (29)
Asia Argento (36)
Moon Bloodgood (36)
Michelle Visage (41)
Kristen Johnston (44)
Gunnar and Matthew Nelson (44)
Maggie Cheung (47)
Deborah Roberts (51)
Alannah Currie (54)
Gary Cole (55)
Debbie Morgan (55)
Anne Meara (82)

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

September 19, 2011 / Posted by:

Some more co-stars who despise each other. Apparently the root of this feud is that the younger B- list actress said some very nasty things about this A list actress and the reasons why she split with her husband. The pair did the tiniest amount of press together for their movie, did not speak forever until the Emmy Awards and did not speak while being photographed. (CDAN)

So Kate Winslet is the one who paid that dancing French ho to “accidentally” knock a toof out of Evan Rachel Wood with their elbow at a club in Paris? That’s a well played hit, Kate!

Which current “Dancing with the Stars” contestant has such a bad temper that producers fear he could blow a gasket at any time? Producers have taken special precautions and hired an on-set psychiatrist to make sure the wannabe hoofer doesn’t lose it on stage! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Three beautiful words that every Los Angeles-area psychiatrist’s office receptionist will say into the waiting room area at least once in their career: METTA WORLD PEACE.

Notice that this B- list movie actress looked a little harried and not quite 100%? It is because she had told her B+ television actor who sometimes masquerades as a really bad B- movie actor that she was not going to the show. She just wanted to stay at home because she does not get along with any of his cast. He talked her into it and she came grudgingly. (CDAN)

Fishsticks Paltrow works for the first part, but it obviously isn’t her since the second part reads B+ television actor instead of A+ cunt singer. So I’ll write Emily Blunt and John Krasinski’s names on paper in black pen and throw that shit into the guessing hat.

This married, foreign born C+/B- television actress on a very hit show spent about ten minutes making out and groping this always ready to play B/A- list actor who just completed a run on a very popular show. It was not like the pair were not spotted. The actress was overheard saying later that she thinks her husband will understand. “It was just kissing.” (CDAN)

I have zero ideas for the actress, but the man whore actor is either Jeremy Piven or Charlie Sheen. If you really want to know, just go to the Hollywood Free Clinic and wait until a C+ actress shows up to pick up genital yogurt cream for the HPV wart garden that grew on her tongue.

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