Once Upon A Time, Angie And Mick Boned

March 5, 2010 / Posted by:

A new Brangelina tell-all book written by Jenny Paul claims that Angie Jolie had a down low affair with Mick Jagger in 1997 after they met on the set of the Rolling Stones video “Anybody Seen My Baby?” Fun fact: “Anybody Seen My Baby?” is the song most mothers sing after Angie Jo comes to visit their babies.

The book alleges that Mick and Angie hooked up several times in 1997 while he was married to Jerry Hall and she was married to Jonny Lee Miller. Angie was 22 at the time, and Mick was like 123 or something.

They obviously couldn’t get enough of each other, because Angie banged Mick’s cock again 6 years later….in Bangkok. Do you think Mick hummed the melody to “Angie” when he licked her b-hole? Let that visual simmer on your brain for a moment.

Jenny’s tell-all also claims that in 2004, Angie got it on with Ralph Fiennes and Colin Farrell. Angie dated Colin for four months, but cut him loose because he was a drunk.

You know what disturbs me the most about all of this? The fact that whenever I read or hear the name “Mick Jagger” I think of that raggedy gutter rat Ke$ha. Urg. Can somebody please get Vampire Eric to erase that tick from my brain?

via Daily Mail

That Sounds About Right

March 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan was/is an actress, singer, leggings entrepreneur, crash test dummy, chemist and the unofficial face of D.A.R.E. Now Lindsay can add “dancefloor clearer” to her long list of accomplishments!

On Wednesday night in London, Blohan was the celebrity DJ along with DJ Gareth Geno at Nokia’s X6 launch party. Radar reports that Blohan’s gig was a bust and she cleared the dancefloor faster than Snooki’s crotch. One party ho said, “Lindsay was clearly struggling to play the set on her own and had to ask Gareth for help. She seemed like a total drunken, incoherent mess. It was really embarrassing to watch. You could tell she didn’t know what she was doing. Lindsay constantly had a drink in her hand the whole time she was playing.”

I guess Lindsay thinks that just because she munched on SamRo’s salmon pot pie for all those years, she suddenly has what it takes to be a DJ. The saying “You are what you eat” does not ring true in this instance.

And what do people expect anyway? When you order up a Lindsay Lohan, you’re going to get a giant serving of “drunk incoherent mess.” That’s just the way it is. My guess is that Nokia wanted to jump on the whole “grandmas as DJs” bandwagon, but they couldn’t afford DJ Ruth.

Alana Kelen Doesn’t Think Shiloh Is A Cross-Dresser

March 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Life & Style’s cover this week was all about how Angie Jo is trying to become president of PFLAG by turning her 3-year-old Shiloh into a raging butch lezz. Shit is ridiculous, but what is even more ridiculous is the quotes they got from several “experts.”

Well, one of the experts, Vh1 stylist Alana Kelen, is claiming Life & Style took her words and ran them through the cunt processor using ESCANDALO typeface. Basically, she’s saying she was misquoted. This is the quote from Alana Life & Style published:

“Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to cross-dresser territory.”

Alana sent an e-mail to Jezebel explaining how Life & Style twisted her words. Yes, an employee of Vh1 is shocked that someone would manipulate the truth for dramatic purposes. Okay….Here’s some of what Alana had to say. You can read the full e-mail at Jezebel if you want.

“I have lost sleep these past 2 nights due to the horrible thoughts and comments (Ed note: And because the Brangeloonies kept banging at her window all night) they included and attributed to me in this particular story for Life & Style, as they were taken completely out of context. They use me often for style quotes, so I had no idea they would twist my words, and they always contact me for final approval, which they did not do this time around.

The quote I did provide to Life & Style actually praised Shiloh’s parents for letting her be who she wants to be, and included that she has two cool older brothers who she is probably trying to emulate, and that she looks up to, and that there is NOTHING at all wrong with it … quite the opposite. I was hoping it would influence other parents to let their children do the same.

Again, I am sorry that my words were misinterpreted, and please be assured that I would never say anything bad about any person, especially a child.

Really, I am in tears right now because this just makes me sick. In the past, L&S have often used me for style quotes, and they always give me final approval, so I trusted them for this piece, mistakenly. The actual quote began with “Some might think …” but they conveniently took that out to make it seem the thought was my own, and did not contact me for that final approval.

Would love if you could include my thoughts, less about restoring my reputation, but more for helping people believe that is is natural and right to let children and people in general express themselves any way they choose, in clothing & in life.”

So, stand down, Brangeloonies! If you see Alana on the street, there’s no need attack her with the Tomb Raider water pistol you bought at Walmart.

Sean Penn Hopes His Critics Get Rectal Cancer

March 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Shortly after the earthquake in Haiti, Sean Penn jumped in his relief boat and headed over there to do some good. Unfortunately, the relief boat couldn’t handle the weight of his ego and it sprung a leak causing Sean to jump ship…. Oh wait, that was New Orleans. Let me start over. After the earthquake in Haiti, Sean Penn brought 11 doctors, a few X-Ray machines and a ventilator over to set up a private relief organization. Sean did a good thing (delivered with zero shade).

But several critics blasted Sean and other celebrities like him for using tragedy to make their assholes look shinier. Others critics called the celebrities hypocritical for helping those in need, but then returning to their fancy castles made out of solid gold. Sean has a lovely message for those critics.

In an interview with CBS’ Sunday Morning, Sean was asked about the haters and he responded with: “I guess I’ve been so away from it all– and our tent camp in Haiti that I haven’t had an awful lot of time to pay attention to them. You know, do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah. You know, but I’m not going to spend a lot of energy on it.

Rectal cancer? That’s a new one. Since Sean Penn has a face like an engorged anal gland that is starting to crack open I would think he would be more respectful of the rectal area. Or maybe he secretly hates all rectal areas because he does have a face like an engorged anal gland and he’s mad about that. I don’t know.

But I do know that instead of scooting all over his good deed by wishing an agonizing death upon his critics, he simply should’ve pressed CLT+ALT+F+U and called it a day.

via UsWeekly

Mickey Rourke Is The Manwhore Of All Manwhores

March 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Mickey Rourke wants those weak ass footballers of the UK to know that they don’t have anything on him when it comes to pussy. Mickey has had more vagina on him than a Go-Girl at Lilith Fair.

During a TV interview in the UK with Lizzie Cundy, she asked Mickey what he thought about footballer Ashley Cole and his harem of mistresses. Mickey bragged, “Forget Ashley Cole, his behaviour has nothing on a film star. WAGs get an easy time – they should try living with Hollywood hellraisers. I once spent a weekend in the UK and had 14 women in one night. British footballers have got nothing on us when it comes to women. If you WAGs knew what Hollywood’s stars get up to you’d think you were married to pussycats.”

I wonder what year it was that Mickey had 14 hos in one night, because in the early 2000s the number of cases of blindness and hysteria among young British women skyrocketed! NO! I better stop before Loki pisses on me from heaven.

I’m sure Mickey can lay it down and bust nuts like a champ. Just pop an Ambien, make the sign of the cross, sit on Mickey’s face, close your eyes and hope that your memory fails you in the morning.

Now hand me my umbrella, because here comes Loki’s piss!

via The Sun

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