When Cheryl Cole landed in L.A. this weekend, she brought with her a teased and sprayed mane of hair that should only be worn by the stars of Valley of the Dolls and Texas child beauty queens whose moms have yet to retire the Revo Styler. Well, Cheryl Cole has infected every hairstylist’s teaser brush and created a trend! Looking like the product of a down low love affair between Aslan the Great Lion and a minotaur, Sarah Jessica Parker showed up to the Robin Hood Foundation Benefit in NYC last night with a whole lot of NAY on top of her head.
Normally, I’m into hair that makes a ho look like she’s trying to steal Falcon Crest from Jane Wyman, but SJP is not doing it. It looks like a badly glued on wig that’s just itching to be turned all the way around. Just think of how many holes in the ozone layer were formed because SJP’s stylist (who obviously hates her) wanted to take her to an unholy level of fug. Mission accomplished.
And SJP wasn’t the only barnyardigan who should’ve stayed home last night. Gisele Bundchen nearly broke her cheek bones from posing so hard, but little does she know that a beautiful ostrich creature in a white bra stole the shot from her.
Right before I fell into a catatonic half-dream state last night, the anchor on whatever local news I had on was sad to announce that after 25 years of marriage Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. And all I kept thinking about was how many times will I hear some news bitch say “It’s hasta la vista for Ahnold and Maria” throughout the day? (Answer: zero so far, thank the fuck). And then I thought about how I really had to pee and how I wish I could just go over the side and rely on my dog to clean it up like I do for him. I guess I could do that, but I’m saving that move for when I’m old and really don’t give a fuck. But enough about lazy peeing!
Maria finally got to the choppah and fled her martial home in Brentwood, CA. Maria moved out weeks ago, and the two only released a statement because The L.A. Times started to raise a few questions about their relationship. Here’s the statement. Take out a red pen and add in your own puns and references (examples: The Divorcenator, “He won’t be back!,” etc…)
“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us. After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion and prayer, we came to this decision together. At this time, we are living apart while we work on the future of our relationship.
We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives. We consider this a private matter and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment. We ask for compassion and respect from the media and the public.”
“Nor any of our friends or family will have further comment”?! Say that shit to the 20-year-old intern who is brokering a deal with Radar Online to tell them about how Arnold texted her several pictures of his Austrian crotchwurst before she gave him a handjob underneath the desk during a conference call with Barbara Boxer. Well, the only good that can come from this mess is that we might get updated pictures of (NSFW) Arnold’s peen.
“I’m sorry for speeding, officer, but you know how angry Kristie Alley gets if I don’t come immediately when summoned!” – WhiskeyTango
But officer, it IS mayo running down my leg. – El Bastardo
Robert Patrick takes notes for his latest role in Terminator 5: Jared’s Revenge. – Jill-The-Ripper
DWD…DRIVING WHILE DELICIOUS!!!!!! – fuqwheat
via The Daily What
If you can get past the seizure-inducing camera jumps and the exaggerated audience reaction shots, then prepare to be dazzled by 65-year-old Bai Shuying and her dance tribute to Michael Jackson on China’s Got Talent. I have no idea what they’re saying, but who needs YouTube translator when everything you need to know is in Bai’s granny crotch thrusting.
Michael Jackson must’ve reincarnated into a caramel square that Bai nibbled on, because homegirl’s got moves I usually only see from speed junkies dancing for drug money at the Santa Monica Promenade. Brit Brit has found her new dance double!
And yeah, I think that video made me seasick too. Put extra Dramamine glaze on my cinnamon roll this morning.
Lauren Potter (21)
Odette Yustman (26)
Kenan Thompson (33)
Todd Lowe (34)
Andrea Anders (36)
Leslie Stefanson (40)
Dallas Roberts (41)
Young MC (44)
Linda Evangelista (46)
Lisa Nowak (48)
Victoria Rowell (52)
Barbara Taylor Bradford (78)
I watched Keira Knightley’s interview on Today this morning and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight. But in these pictures, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn’t want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can’t get in.
KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn’t work.