Birthday Sluts

August 31, 2010 / Posted by:

Julie Brown (52)
Jeff Hardy (33)
Sara Ramirez (35)
Chris Tucker (38)
Deborah Gibson (40)
Queen Rania of Jordan (40)
Gina Schock (53)
Marcia Clark (57)
Richard Gere (61)
Van Morrison (65)


Troy Polamalu’s Precious Locks Insured For $1 Million

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

Troy Polamalu’s hair is a fantastical follicle wonderland where the souls of dead weaves go to bathe in bliss for the rest of their days, so it’s no surprise that the shampoo company he’s the spokesperson for would take out a $1 million insurance police to ensure that nothings happens to it. Troy’s lion mane in all its glory makes Diana Ross look like a candidate for Rogaine, so his shit is priceless if you ask me. And he looks like a damn shiny happy hair flower who sprouted out of one of Chaka Khan’s scalp pores, so that has to count for more.

People reports that Head & Shoulders has covered their spokerperson’s double hair waterfall with a halo of protection by buying an insurance policy from Lloyds of London. Head & Shoulders said in a statement that Troy’s “hair is so thick that, end to end, it spans 1,100 football fields and can hold approximately 24,062 pounds.” Troy, who is the safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers, hasn’t touched his locks with a pair of scissors for 7 years.

Troy added, “It’s like J.Lo’s insured butt! Head & Shoulders has gone above and beyond by insuring my Samoan locks for a cool $1 million dollars. This reinforces that my full and thick hair is unstoppable.

Head & Shoulders should do more than just insure Troy’s hair! They should force him to sleep in a basement under a basement surrounded by Kelly Rowland CDs and a dozen Michelle Williams scarecrows. Yup, you know Beyonce is lurking around the corner just waiting for the perfect moment to cut, snatch and run off with a giant piece of Troy’s hair to add to her collection. I mean, she probably got off just from reading his hair’s measurement.

May the Lion Queen of Camerooooon, Chantal Biya, bless the spiral fantasy on Troy’s head with protection.


Brent McMahon Has Challenged Taylor Lautner To A Push-Up Contest

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

Brent McMahon, the RV dealership owner who is responsible for filling Taylor Lautner’s eye basin with tears of anxiety, wants to settle their dispute by taking off their shirts and breaking into a sweat until all of their muscles are sore. That really sounds like the beginning of a recurring wet dream that sends tingles down to Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole.

Taylor sued Brent McMahon’s RV company last week after they failed to deliver his customized $300,000 movie trailer on time. Brent’s lawyer told the Associated Press that Taylor is willing to settle the case for $40,000, but he has another idea. 47-year-old Brent has challenged 18-year-old Taylor to a push-up contest. Whoever wins gets the $40,000. Brent says he will donate his winnings to charity.

If Taylor doesn’t accept the offer Brent and his lawyers will fight the case with a mighty fist.

Taylor has teenage lungs and sleeps walks into his home gym to do sleep push-ups in the middle of the night, so my guess is that somebody (possibilities: Brent himself, Brent’s Twihard wife, etc..) is just looking for an excuse to see Jacob Black’s ripply nalgas move up and down live and in person! I see you. Brent needs to stop and get in line behind Tommy Girl.

The Worried Side-Eye Of Impending Doom

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

If that isn’t a “Damn, is he checking out my possible replacement?” look, then I don’t know what is. Backstage at the Emmys last night, Elisabetta Canalis threw the same side-eye Sarah Larson probably gave right before George Clooney’s assistant dropped a pink slip and an empty cardboard box into her lap. The photo bomber in the back feels the tension.

That side-eye is the final snooze in the “Your Time With George Clooney Is Ending” alarm. That is Elisabetta’s cue to gather up all the juicy shit she has on George (examples: strap-ons covered with his ass dust, the framed photo of Brad Pitt he keeps on his vanity, etc…) to use against him when he tries to evict her from his life without a cut of his Facts of Life royalties!

Oh, my finger tips are covered in bitterness as usual. This isn’t going to happen to Elisabetta. I mean, it’s obvious that they’re happier than a wet pussy (see last thumbnail)! Well, at least he looks happy.


Afternoon Crumbs

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

Mindy Kaling is ready for the goth prom or a Hairspray themed funeral – Just Jared

Jakey G is looking so mountain man butch…and then my eyes scrolled down to his flip-flops with pants – Lainey Gossip

Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll nipples are coming at you – Egotastic!

Quick! Let’s move to China and open up a giant midriff emporium for the bang ye set – Towleroad

Meanwhile, Jon Grosselin was a guest judge at a wet panty contest at a Senor Frogs in Myrtle Beach. Take that, Kate! – The Superficial

Tabitha Taylor is organically beautiful as usual (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

This is something you don’t see every day: Sophie Monk is actually working a job – Hollywood Tuna

Cute dog snoring. That is all (as if your ass needs anything else?) – The Berry

Naya Rivera would’ve definitely won Miss Puerto Rico 1985 – ICYDK

Alicia Keys took her pregnant ass to Lauryn Hill’s show in NYC – Popsugar

The Dumb Bitch of the Day award might go to Kate Bosworth for pushing ASkars’ Swedish meatballs out of her life – Celebitchy

Anna Paquin dressed like a chorus girl in 300: The Las Vegas Musical – Moe Jackson

Wild crotch bushes are making a comeback! – Cityrag

If Snow Miser was a pimp, this is what one of his hos would look like – Hollywood Rag

Nicole Scherminger can finally sit down now, because this little boy has just snatched her wig right off – OMG Blog

Lindsay Lohan isn’t even trying to give a fuck – I’m Not Obsessed

Tiny really needs to give that weave back to My Little PonyNecole Bitchie

I guessed “Steven Tyler” – SOW


Open Post: Hosted By Roberto Cavalli

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

Here’s the roasted Italian goblin known as Roberto Cavalli in St. Tropez making a strong case for officially declaring “Struttin’ That Segway” as the new “Struttin’ That Ass.


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