Det. La Toya + The Busey = GOLD

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn’t been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump’s gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it’s a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn’t know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here’s the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:

Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles’ confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying “Fly” song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist’s nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds’ ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy’s best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask….
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas ’08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.

Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn’t sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.

When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump’s hair and one of Gary Busey’s Chiclets. I can’t wait.

June Cleaver Has Passed Away

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

The Pearly Gates are extra shiny today because Barbara Billingsley, June Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver, glided through them this morning. Barbara’s rep said that she passed away at her home in Santa Monica, CA at the age of 94. Her rep added that she had been suffering from rheumatoid disease for a while now.

Barbara is survived by her two sons.

Rest in peace, Barbara… I’m sure you’re up in heaven vacuuming the clouds while wearing a string of pearls (now is not the time for pearl necklace jokes!). And of course, speaking jive with the angels.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

On The View this yesterday morning, the women interviewed actor Gabriel Byrne of HBO’s In Treatment. He talked about the fact that he avoids watching his own performance on screen.

“But there’s one actress that I know… I wish I had her confidence. We sat through a screening of a film, and at the end of it, she slapped me on the thigh, and said ‘Can I fucking act, or what?!’.”

Byrne wouldn’t name the woman, but he did say that it wasn’t Joan Collins. (Blind Gossip)

I’m going to choose to believe that Kim Basinger said that shit after a screening of the magnificent masterpiece of pure shit trash that is Cool World. And she was speaking the truth!

Other possibilities include: Laura Linney, Marcia Gay Harden, Helen Mirren, Shelley Long, Kathleen Turner, Ellen Barkin, Winona Ryder (HA), or Amanda Donohoe?

This celebrity is pregnant, but her SO wants to hold off on the announcement. Why? Because, while he really, really wants this baby (even more than she does), he is very concerned that she is obsessing about her weight. She is not eating enough, and she is on the scale several times a day fretting about her weight gain. If she can’t stick to a healthy eating plan, it will be difficult for her to sustain a healthy pregnancy. He doesn’t want them to make a public announcement only to have to retract it a few weeks later. (Blind Gossip)

Chupa? Chupa. Chupa?

This former A list reality star and now just a celebrity with some kids has been complaining publicly about paps. What she has not said is how the other day she hid from the paps and would not let them take her photo until she did her makeup, changed clothes and then and only then just “happened” to show up right where the paps were. (CDAN)

Kate Gosselin’s show isn’t eating worms just yet, so I won’t go with her. But I will go with Nicole Richie? Exhibit: EVERYTHING.

These two costars are falling in love right in front of our eyes on this network show. The chemistry is palpable, and it could be because the chemistry is 100% legit in real life. The cast and crew have interrupted them several times snuggling or making out in between takes. We wonder when they’ll make it official…. (BuzzFoto)

Sue Sylvester and Coach Bieste from Glee, obviously? Or Coach Bieste and Mr. Shu? Love triangle alert!

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Baby Jesus Out, Brahim Rachiki In?

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

At a club in NYC on Thursday night, 52-year-old Madge was seen sucking the precious life out of 33-year-old Barhim Rachiki, a choreographer on her Dry & Itchy tour, and Baby Jesus was nowhere in sight. Seriously, the source checked under the banquettes for Baby Jesus since toddlers like to play hide & seek everywhere, but he wasn’t there. They checked the bathroom to see if Baby Jesus’ night nanny was giving him a quick bath in the sink, but nope. So it looks like Madge might have dropped Baby Jesus back into the stork’s mouth and replaced him with a new piece.

The source tells Page Six about Madge and Barhim’s night together, “They came in together and were holding hands in a private area. Madonna got up and was dancing for an hour straight before going back to her man. They immediately started making out in front of other guests.”

One would think that Madge would go even younger after Baby Jesus. You know, maybe she’d take Jaden Smith out for a date in the bouncy balls at Bullwinkle’s, or even slip her number into the snatch of a woman who is pregnant with a boy. But no, Madge has turned everything upside down by scratching her vag on a 33-year-old! Even bitch’s coochie is into reinventing itself.

Ain’t No Other Man (But There Are A Million Other Women)

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s been a few rumors going around that Bat Boy retreated back to Transylvania to drown his sorrows in the blood of the village virgin after his wife Xtina suffocated the dick hole of another piece with the fumes from her fake tanner. But now Radar is saying that maybe it wasn’t a dick hole, maybe it was the goods of a dozen other chicks that sent Bat Boy on his way. A source claims that Xtina and Bat Boy’s marriage had an open door policy when it came to women, but apparently it was still too much for him to take so he fluttered away.

A source says that Xtina regularly took a stroll down the Queen Latifah trail by trolling gay bars for lovely ladies to nibble on. The source found this out when Xtina’s bodyguard came up to her at The Abbey in West Hollywood one night and invited her to spend a little gushy gushy time with the red lipstick don.

The source went on to say, “The bodyguard told me it was an understanding within their marriage and that she brings girls home and Jordan’s okay with it. I ended up not pursuing anything with it because the situation just seemed so weird to me, but Christina was definitely looking to hook up. It’s funny because I had a couple girlfriends tell me that they were approached by Christina too. My understanding was that Jordan wasn’t involved when she brought girls home, so maybe the divorce is because Jordan’s jealousy got the best of him.”

Now it makes sense why Xtina married a dude with a face like a minge. NO. But seriously, the best part of this story is not that Xtina loves to partake in a little clit wrestling. It’s that the bitch regularly got shut down! I can understand though. Who wants to go to the free clinic because they can’t stop queefing out lipstick goo?

Here’s some pictures of Xtina at an event in Hawaii last night. Since she’s in a fragile place emotionally right now, I will leave her DREADFUL brow situation alone. For now.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 16, 2010 / Posted by:

Destiny’s Present! – When Destiny tucks her child into a House of Derriere bed (which is stuffed with Beyonce’s old weave tracks and genuine moth balls from Basement Baby’s basement), this is what comes out to play afterwards. Vice Magazine has handed all of us this special present wrapped in neon pink Lycra and tied with a ribbon made of the moist gusset from a glittery thong. Put on the yard long acrylic nail you keep in your kitchen drawer for occasions like this and use it to gently untie the ribbon and dive eye balls first into the luxurious world of Destiny’s Present.

Once you push open the glass door to Destiny’s Present’s eBay store and are welcomed with an alert bell (set to the melody of Jody Watley’s “Looking For A New Love“), you will come face to face with the mysterious beauty who runs the place. DP’s owner, who has left a career in law enforcement to purse her dreams of draping the world in sensual class, will shimmy her all-natural full moon titties into ravishing ensemble after ravishing ensemble and model them all for you. Ensembles that are perfection for every occasion.

Do you need the perfect neoprene one-piece that is cut so high that it will make your pussy scream “UNCLE”? Destiny’s Present has it. Do you need the perfect hot pink spandex catsuit to wear while gyrating under a strobe light on top of a giant speaker in the back of a club that hasn’t been popular since 1989? Destiny’s Present has that too. The perfect dress to wear to your audition for a Sweet Sensation cover group? Yup. To your job as the front desk clerk at a truck stop motel that rents rooms by the minute? DUH! And what about if you simply want to spend a night at home with your touch flower lamp (Side Note: My mother had a touch flower lamp back in the day and they bring HOURS of entertainment)? DP has the perfect pair of exquisite lucite heels for that occasion too. DP has everything!

Once you put on a ravishing outfit from Destiny’s Present, the glamour dripping off of you will cause your haters to slip and fall at your feet. But the Destiny’s Present lady doesn’t laugh and kick at a bitch while they’re down. The Destiny’s Present lady sticks out a helping acrylic nail and gently lifts her haters up off the floor. Stunning, graceful AND charitable.

And on an extremely serious and important note, please go over to the Destiny’s Present eBay store right now and click on every single picture! Bring a note pad, because there’s a lot to learn.

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