This Cover Will Look Beautiful Over Jennifer Aniston’s Mantle

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Last week, InTouch’s cover story was a remake of Mommie Dearest starring St. Angie Jo as an evil monstress who recharges her cunt gene by laughing at her children’s cries. This week, InTouch’s cover story is remaking Romeo & Juliet with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as the star-crossed lovers who want to be together but can’t because Maddox forbids it (you should always listen to Maddox).

The same bodyguard/fanfiction writer who painted Angie as a cold-hearted cuntress is also saying that Jennifer and Brad secretly meet up when St. Angie’s private investigator (aka God) is not watching.

If you’re feeling the need to punch a bunny this morning, channel your inner Brangeloonie (it helps if you put on mom jeans from Walmart and a Tomb Raider sweatshirt with suspicions stains on it) while reading this mess. From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.

Then Jen woke up when Gerard Buttlered her culo again.

Let’s just say there’s a sprinkle of truth to this, why would Jen fuck around with Brad now?! That bitch had Brad when he was at the height of his hotness. Just keep that taste on your tongue and move on. If Jen really wants to know what it feels like to be chin tickled by a goat, she should go to a damn petting zoo instead.

The Sex Moan Defense

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Gary Dourdan’s girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo was arrested last month on suspicion of domestic abuse after she allegedly scratched at him during a fight. Well, TMZ says that prosecutors have dismissed the case, because they believe the scratch on Gary’s neck was not created out of rage….but out of nut busting ecstasy instead. Gary and Maria both told police that they weren’t fighting the night she got arrested, they were actually getting their orgasm on.

Apparently, one of the neighbors mistook their jizz-churning fuck moans as violent screams. When the cops arrived, Gary tried to explain the sexuation to them, but they arrested Maria anyway after peeping at the scratch on his neck.

Um. Who doesn’t know the difference between sex sounds and fight sounds? Gary and Maria must be throw around some nasty violent talk in bed. Maria was probably screaming shit like, “Call the ambulance, because I’m going to break your bone!” and “Say goodbye to your huevos, because my pussy is going to beat them off your body!” And Gary said shit like, “Draw a chalk outline of your vagina on the floor, because I’m going to murder it tonight! Cooch Scene Investigation!” Freaky ass freak bitches!

Who Is Bringing The Sex In These Hot Boots?

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

The answer is after the jump! You can put down the bag of Cheetos, because it might not be who you think it is. JUMP!!!!

It’s none other than Sgt. Crazy himself Gary Busey! Every size queen dentist’s wet dream!

Gary is covering all the bases with this outfit and pose. He’s paying tribute to Hitler, Sitting Bull AND Groucho Marx. Work work work it……..

via Bauer Griffin

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As Long As They Don’t Procreate…..

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael and Kate Major, Star Magazine reporter turned girlfriend of Jon Gosselin, have announced that they are engaged to be married. Cue the cricket farts.

50-year-old Michael tells People that they spent the Easter holiday with Kate’s family so that he could get her father’s approval. 27-year-old Kate cleared the bull feces out of her mouth and then said, “I’m very traditional, so I wanted him to talk to my father. Michael went down with me to Florida for Easter, to meet my father to ask for his permission, and my father gave his blessing. I’m ecstatic. I’m very happy. Michael and I have known each other for four years, and it’s meant to be.”

Michael added, “I’m ecstatic. I’ve never met anyone who’s been there for me like Kate. She’s always been there for me. The one thing about Kate is that she doesn’t come with baggage.”

Doesn’t it make your sphincter itch when two famewhores find love with each other? I’m sure they will share their pure love with the country in a wedding that will be televised on the Fox Reality Channel on a Monday at 3am.

But seriously, Kate’s father must not only hate her, but he also must hate himself. Kate, who has the face of a Bulldog puppy with downs, not only dated Jon Grosselin, but now she’s MARRYING Michael Lohan?! What went wrong?! Kate probably got into her mother’s bathroom cabinet when she was a child and drank an entire bottle of Summer’s Eve. She hasn’t been the same since.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 6th!

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

After a year long absence, Paula Abdul explains what she’s been up to through interpretive dance. – sugar free

Runners-up:

Kathy Lee Gifford at 10:05am. – rubyvicious

After discovering fried foods and iced cream, Gwenyth Paltrow continues her groundbreaking tour of what the little people eat and drink. – sushi

Public outrage grows louder when a photo is leaked of one of Jesse James’ ho’s pretending to be a defeated France. – jazzfish_77

via Buzzfeed

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