Dumb Bitch Of The Day

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

The picture above is from a charity event Russell Simmons hosted at his Manhattan apartment a couple of weeks ago. At this charity event, one of Russell’s precious works of art, a $100,000 chalk drawing by Gary Simmons (zero relation), was left partially fucked up after some chick accidentally rubbed against it. This is still not as bad as the time a blurry-eyed Kimora Lee stumbled downstairs for a 2am snack and mistook his Monet painting of a bowl of fruit for an actual bowl of fruit and bit into it. Yes, go get your cane and I promise to stand still until you pull me offstage.

Russell tells Page Six, “One woman, who shall not be named, rubbed up against a chalk drawing. She didn’t realize it had been intentionally smudged by the artist, so she took a cloth to wipe it, rubbing off a part of the artwork.”

Russell is the dumb bitch here, because who leaves a $100,000 chalk painting out like that?! If it’s so fancy and special, put glass over that mess. Or laminate it! Shit.

But it could’ve been worse, if Lindsay Lohan was there she would’ve snorted the whole thing up and destroyed it completely. And if I was there, I would’ve erased the whole thing my shirt and asked for a piece of chalk so that I could draw two stick figures butt fucking each other. Yes, this is why the Spaghetti Factory no longer give me crayons to draw on their tables with.

John Goodman: Now With Less FUPA

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

On the left is John Goodman last year looking like Uncle Fester after eating the entire Addams Family, and on the right is John Goodman at last night’s AFI Tribute to Mike Nichols. Yes, John lost at least 2 DJs!

You go, Dan Connor! Although, I hope he doesn’t go too far, because I don’t know if I’m ready for a super skinny Dan Connor.

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It’s All Part Of Megan Fox’s Master Plan

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

This is what I’ve been trying to tell you all along! Hustler’s answer to Nietzsche doesn’t really have the intelligence of an empty bedpan. No, Megan Fox is just playing that part in the media so you don’t see the real her. The real her which is a bona fide fucking genius! Snort a Valtrex, because Megan Fox is blowing your mind.

In a conversation with Zach Galifianakis for Interview Magazine (via NYDN), Zach asked Megan about her “Michael Bay is like Hitler” comment. Megan stopped writing her thesis on Finnegans Wake (she does that kind of stuff for fun) and said, “In the past, I’ve been reluctant to share any bits of truth about myself or to really let people in on my reality. So I have said some things to throw people off the scent of what’s really going on in my life. So I have sort of aided the media in printing these misconceptions, which I regret.”

It’s as if a piece of shit spat out another piece of shit so that you couldn’t say for sure that it’s the one who smells like a piece of shit. Is that right? Hmm. Oh, how I wish I was Megan Fox so my brain wouldn’t hurt after thinking about stuff.

Here’s a few pictures of Megan in Interview with a friend. Guess which one doesn’t have a working brain? Yes, that’s a trick question.

January Jones vs. The Paps, Round Two

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

The paparazzi already put a fart in January Jones’ life by catching her doing the cab ride of shame the other morning, and now they have caused her to crash into three parked cars while she was driving home last night. That’s what January’s story is anyway.

According to TMZ, January was on her way home from watching the Lakers game at a hotel when she lost control of her car and busted into three parked cars. January really didn’t want to deal with that shit, so left the scene and walked a block to her house. A witness said that they heard January say, “I can’t deal with this commotion.

January eventually returned to the crash site and told the police that she quit that bitch because the paps were up her ass. The LAPD says that they will not launch a hit-and-run investigation. They didn’t give her a drunk test, because there was no evidence of booze.

To me, January is about as exciting as sucking on a flaccid dick who refuses to wake up, so I’m totally into seeing this new side of her. One night stands and fleeing the scene of a car crash! January is a Hood Rat Stuff kind of bitch. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still a piece of steamed celery, but at least she’s got a few dashes of salt on her now.

TGIR (Thank God It’s Rojo)

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

When the elusive and wondrous ginger gayelle unicorn known as Rojo Caliente is caught on camera walking amongst us, it’s God’s way of winking at us and letting us know it’s our lucky day! And that it is! It’s like a ladder made out of rainbows and four leaf clovers walking under you.

So play those lottery numbers you thought your cat murmured into your ear in the middle of the night! Blindly send a money order to the con bitch who promised you in an email that you would make thousands in a pyramid scheme. Take a second mortgage out on your home and invest in your third cousin’s (twice removed) laundromat/colonic clinic. Quit your job and pursue your dream of becoming a professional napper!

All our dreams will come true and we’ll all be millionaires, because the sight of Rojo tells us so! And if we end up bankrupt and homeless, we can print out this picture and use it to keep us warm in our cardboard box house. It’s a win-win!

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 10th!

June 11, 2010 / Posted by:

You know that Batman’s really sick when the Pepto Bismal team begins praying that he doesn’t drop a load. – Sluttsville

Runners-up:

A-Rod re-enacting his first penetration with Vadge. – I need more cowbell

Just in case you wanted to know how Star Jones applies a maxi. – Larray

Lamar Odom’s Predator Drone Sperm will always ensure that Khloe Kardashian does NOT become pregnant. – TheGoldenBoyNC

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