Meh Is The New Black

July 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Rebecca Black’sFriday” made all of our ear drums barf out blood in unison and now that some of us have finally gotten our hearing back she’s come out with a second single called “My Moment (Is Over).” Rebecca has left the calendar alone for her second assault on our ears and is instead trying to show that she’s grown up as an artist since her first song which came out like 14 minutes ago. This is like a dingle yanked off of Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” and that’s saying a lot, because that shit was awful too.

My ears are supposed to be committing suicide, but they’re snoring instead. What happened to the Rebecca Black who educated us on the days of the week? Where’s that awkward blonde girl who died inside while sitting in the backseat? Where’s the Rebecca Black who had FUN FUN FUN while all of our ears wished they were RIP RIP RIP? Fame has changed another one.

And since these hos insist on auto-tuning the life out of her voice they should at least throw some auto-rhythm on her dance moves too.

Afternoon Crumbs

July 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Vanessa Hudgens is going for that Oscar by embracing the ugly to play a butch homeless teen who sort of looks like my second boyfriend. But importantly, would you hit? “OH GOD YES!,” said Zac Efron for the first time ever – Cityrag

Owling looks more like Prairie Dogging – Popoholic

I’m not trying to start shit (yes, I am), but is Shiloh working the Rachel? – Lainey Gossip

It’s nice to see that a little thing called “divorcing a Brady” is not keeping Adrianne Curry from putting her tits on Twitter – Hollywood Tuna

Delores Delago backpedals her wheelchair into Lady Caca’s good graces – Towleroad

Becks wears his heart on his shoes – Popsugar

Kunty Karl wearing his finest “death eaters who lunch” ensemble – Hollywood Rag

I would say that The Dark Knight teaser trailer needs more Catwoman, but am I really ready to witness Anne Hathaway trying to purr? – Just Jared

Sophie Monk still exists (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Natalie Portman’s leased piece should never do this again – Celebitchy

It seems like everybody but my ass went to see The Pooter of Harry this weekend – ICYDK

Tori Spelling’s kid is a little Ke$ha and a little Maddox – SOW

Err. Well…I guess the fan is pretty? – I’m Not Obsessed

Stephanie Seymour’s son really loves hanging out with his mom – The Superficial

The sexiest runaway bride ever – The Daily What

Where was a speeding semi when we all really needed one? – The Berry

DJ Samro can retire now – OMG Blog

Too much beauty for one frame – Crunk + Disorderly

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Brooke Mueller Is Back In Rehab

July 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Brooke Mueller, seen here making Keira Knightley face on Parasite Hilton’s reality shit show, has checked herself into a rehab facility in Cancun, Mexico and this time she’s going hardcore. In the past month, Brooke was photographed with a glass pipe (which she said is to smoke prescribed medical marijuana out of) and caught trying to buy the bad shit from a street dealer in Hawaii. Brooke is still a slave to crack and is going to try to kick her addiction by going through a controversial 7-day treatment program under the supervision of her own doctor.

Radar says that Brooke has to do it in Mexico, because the program isn’t legal in the US. Brooke’s doctor will give her this medication called Ibogaine, which is supposed to curb her hunger for crack. Ibogaine is classified as a hallucinogenic in the US and some addiction specialists are afraid of that shit, because it supposedly rewires your entire brain. Dr. Drew told Radar that some patients who take Ibogaine come out with changes to their personalities. But a source close to Brooke says that she really wants to get clean and is willing to take the risk, “Brooke is absolutely desperate. She wants to be sober, and she thinks that this could be just the thing that will do it. Brooke is aware of the dangers of Ibogaine, but she is going to proceed anyway.”

Is a quickie rehab program in Mexico going to work? Probably not. But if Ibogaine rewires Brooke’s brain into never making Keira Knightley face again and makes her forget that the only time Charlie Sheen gave her an orgasm is when he convulsed from an overdose while on top of her (awkward), then not all is lost.

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Skeletor Wants You To Know That All Of This Is Available

July 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Skeletor didn’t lose all of his water weight by shedding out a single tear on the bones of sacrificed virgins when JLo announced that their marriage is as dead as the Dragon Tales Twins’ ear drums when she lullabies them to sleep without the help of an auto-tune horn. Skeletor didn’t seem sad at all when he performed at a concert in Bogota, Colombia last night. Skeletor let be known to ladies everywhere that if they’ve ever had an urge to sit their chocha on a Chinese Crested’s always erect tongue but don’t want to be charged with bestiality, he’s available. Skeletor said this to the audience:

“They say I am a single man.”

The Daily Mail says that everybody started cheering and clapping their hands, but only because they heard that’s how you distract a zombie who is trying to sniff out the pure blood of an innocent in a crowd.

In other Skeletor and JLo news, Cuban actor, all-around hot piece and known man whore William Levy is denying that he’s ever put his cock on Jenny from the block. There were rumors that after William was in one of JLo’s videos, they had a down low thing. But he says it isn’t so. And JLo’s stylist Phillip Bloch says that he thinks the fact that Skeletor tried control JLo like she was Castle Grayskull is the main reason why they’re getting a divorce.

“This is not a surprise. Marc is very controlling. In the beginning she liked that because he stood up to her, and in the early days he was very much in love with her and she was with him.”

But back to the William Levy thing. I’ve heard that William Levy will stick his peen in any vagina you put in front of him (which is why I’m mad nobody has invented a life-like vagina strap-on that goes over the no no) and JLo was married to a man who looks like the Puerto Rican Gollum, so I’m sure they did it at least once. JLo probably just wanted to know what it’s like to get with a dude who isn’t so damn that skinny that when you stick your finger in his b-hole during missionary sex you poke yourself in the stomach. That’s a total orgasm killer.

Rachel Uchitel’s Fame Whore Ways Cost Her $10 Million

July 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Rachel Uchitel’s whore mouth is what got her $10 million from Tiger Woods in the first place, and now that same whore mouth has cost her most of that money. Tiger Woods reportedly stuffed a $10 million hush money check between Rachel Uchitel’s overstuffed dolphin dick lips after she signed a confidentiality agreement promising to keep his name off of her tongue for the rest of her life. Any smart gold digger would’ve immediately glamored Tiger Woods’ name from her brain, because $10 million can buy a lot of lip injections and horse mane weaves. Rachel Uchitel is not a smart gold digger. Bitch is as dumb as she is Equus faced.

Rachel broke the agreement when she went on Celebrity Rehab for a “love addiction” and vaguely talked about Tiger to TMZ. Tiger’s lawyer Jay Lavely accused Rachel of breaking the agreement and ordered her to give all of the money back.

TMZ reports that Rachel’s lawyer Gloria Allred advised her to give whatever is left of the $10 million back to Tiger, because they’d lose in court. Rachel agreed, but one thing Cuchitel didn’t know is that Gloria made a deal with Jay that she would still collect all of her attorney fees from the $10 million. If they went to arbitration and lost, Rachel would not have to pay Gloria a cent. So Rachel thinks that Gloria forced her to give back the money so the bitch could get paid. Rachel has now hired a malpractice lawyer to get those fees back from Gloria. Gloria issued this statement to TMZ:

“Our law firm no longer represents Ms. Uchitel and we have no comment on this story at this time. However, we are confident that we have always acted appropriately and in her best interests.”

Gloria fucked that $10 million out of Rachel just like Rachel fucked that $10 million out of Tiger. I should laugh, but I’m too busy being disgusted and disappointed at Rachel. Rachel is a shit-skinned, anus-mouthed, piss-brained piece of Mr. Ed’s caca who gives all conniving gold digging sluts a bad name! What kind of gold digger screws with the $10 million in her pocket by breaking an agreement? What kind of gold digger puts that $10 million in a domestic checking account instead of hiding it in a shoe box far, far away? What kind of gold digger tells Tiger’s lawyer that she still has the money instead of saying the words I said when my third grade teacher asked me what I did with the candy I took from my classmate’s desk: “I ATE IT, BITCH!”

If I had any respect for Rachel to begin with, she would’ve lost it over this dumb dumb move.

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