Star Magazine doesn’t want you to fully digest food or feel any life in your genitals today, so they have put OctoMom on their cover with the words “My New Bikini Body.” Sperm counts will drop!
I also have a feeling that supermarket checkout lines will be a ghost town this week, because when hos get a good look at this, they will abandon their shopping cart full of food and go back to bed! I think I’d rather see Glenn Beck’s new bikini body (which looks something like this) than OctoCrazy’s. NOT TODAY. NOT EVER.
In the issue, Octo claims that a back alley surgeon’s rusty knife didn’t help her lose the baby weight. Octo says it was equal parts exercise, diet and determination, “I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it on my own, naturally. My friends call me Rubber Band because I always snapped back so quickly after my other kids!”
No, they call her rubber band, because her uterus is being held together with one. And this loon didn’t lose the weight with diet and exercise. Bitch’s fat cells can’t even stand to be near her, so they quietly slipped out the back door. Octo’s uterus tried to be slick and go with them, but she has a tracking system on that bitch. It’s not going anywhere.
Amanda Palmer, one half of The Dresden Dolls, Neil Gaiman’s fiancee and the half-nekkid fairy of the Golden Globes.
While getting fancy for the Golden Globes on Sunday night, Amanda decided that slips are not for her, so she wore her dress without one. The likes of Martin Scorsese and Morgan Freeman got ten eye fulls of her Julia Roberts pits and silicone nipples (silence tribute to Heidi Montag?).
And later at an after-party, Amanda had enough with her funeral bloomers, so she ripped them off on the red carpet and let her coochie take in the fresh air!
Somebody had to get nekkid on the red carpet at the Globes, and since Bai Ling was attending a more prestigious event out of town (the opening of a planetarium in Boise), Amanda had to take the lead!
Buzz Aldrin (80) (Note: This was really just an excuse to post another picture of Buzz’s glamorous wife Lois)
Lorenzo Lamas (52)
Will Young (31)
Gary Barlow (39)
Skeet Ulrich (40)
Edwin McCain (40)
Melissa Rivers (42)
Rainn Wilson (44)
Stacey Dash (44)
John Michael Montgomery (45)
James Denton (47)
Bill Maher (54)
Paul Stanley (58)
David Lynch (64)
Dark Shadows was supposed to be Tim Burton’s next project after Alice in Wonderland, but apparently he might stuff it in his cleavage for another day.
AICN (via Coming Soon) is hearing that instead of Dark Shadows, Tim might spread himself all over a live-action version of Sleeping Beauty. However, Tim wants to tell the story through the eyes of Maleficent, the hot bitch who gets that dumb ho Aurora to prick her finger on a spindle.
All the cunts of the world (Heather Mills, please stand up) should applaud this, because it’s a victory any time one of our own gets the spotlight.
And since Helena Bonham Carter is fucking the director, I’ll bet the Fry Daddy I got for Christmas (MY PRIDE AND JOY) on her getting the title role. But personally, I think Tim Burton should cast his other leading lady: Johnny Depp. Maleficent as a pre-op transsexual does make all kinds of sense. Bitch wore all that damn fabric over her body to hide her tuck. Maleficent could be Johnny Depp’s Crying Game!
Almost a week after she debuted her new auto-tuned face on People Magazine, Heidi Montag went on Good Morning America today to try to move her mouth while talking about why she turned herself into a Joan Rivers real doll (4 words that can send the strongest of genitals into a coma).
If you’re too afraid that watching the entire interview above might cause you to hate your dildo for being made out of silicone, here’s some quotes that’ll test your gag reflex:
On bitches saying that she’s addicted to plastic surgery: “I would say that none of those people know me at all, and that’s just a judgment. I’m not addicted. If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries. I really had 2 different surgeries. I had one three years ago, and one that I had several procedures one, weeks ago. If you’re addicted, you have to do it all the time.”
On bitches saying she looks like a clearance bin Barbie: “I hope I have my own Barbie one day. I think I look like myself. I think I just look like a different, improved version of myself.”
On the message she’s sending to young girls who look up to her (GULP!!!): “My main message is that beauty is within….. I’m living in my skin, and I look in the mirror and it’s my career and my life, and you only have one. So, I want to take advantage of everything and be the best me, in and out, every way.”
On bitches saying her plastic-over is just a publicity stunt to promote her album: “No, that’s all God’s timing.”
The best part of this mess is when Heidi is asked to sing something. Fortunately for all the earsdrums in the room, Heidi politely declined, because she said her jaw was still delicate from surgery. Well, bitch just blew (punned on purpose) her music career. No producer is going to ever want to “work” with her again after finding out she has a temperamental jaw.
After putting her Juniper Visa into a deeper coma by buying a bunch of dumb shit at Alive + Olivia yesterday, one of HoHan’s dog friends was kind of enough to give her an impromptu psychic reading and let her take a glimpse into her future. Unfortunately for HoHan, the dog’s hairy b-hole was not dingle-free, so I guess White Oprah and Michael Lohan are here to stay!