File this under: If you’re a mother please try to contain the fuckery while in the presence of your child on public transportation, because somebody will record it on their cell phone and embarrass your whole entire life by uploading it onto YouTube. Oh, and if you’re going to NOT contain the fuckery, make sure your weave is bolted on. (Yes, that’s the entire file title. I’ll wait while you find it.)
Like the Muni bus fight and the spaghetti brawl before it, here’s a depressing clip of two stupid bitches fighting on the L Train in NYC after the graceful blue flower with the baby tried to beat White Oprah in this year’s East Coast Mother of the Year Contest by macing the graceful white flower during some verbal altercation. Yes, spraying mace near your baby’s face is an act of maternal love, but busting another crazy ho in head while the stroller rolls towards the platform makes the patron saint of mothers, OctoMom, cry an inspirational tear.
You know that baby turned his/her stroller into a windglider by blowing really hard, because he/she wanted to get far far away from that mess. Baby was like, “Fuck this. I’ll take my chances with the rats on the platform.” Eventually, the baby rolled down the platform where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles saved him/her and raised him/her as their own.
A witness tells Animal New York that this was a multi-location bitch fight. They took that shit to the platform and back to the train. As far as the witness knows, the cops never showed up and the dumb fuck in the blue was reunited with her child on the platform. That child should’ve slapped her again and hollered for CPS.
Childhoods might’ve been fucked in the making of this video, but weaves were not. THANK GOD. And this is totally the reason why there’s no subways in Florida. The heat + the subway = fuckery to the tenth degree
Jack Vale’s whole act is to annoy an eye roll out of strangers in public places by fake farting around them or talking G-rated Charlie Sheenese to them. On any given day, you can find Jack Vale making a staged fartney in the face of a woman on a scooter in an aisle at Target. That’s his thing. Normally, the fartee responds by laughing and/or throwing Jack a “you cochino ass bitch” look. But shit got serious the other day when the fartee’s old man defended his wife woman by laying two punches into Jack’s face. You know, farts are always funny to me. Even fake ones. What’s as equally as funny to me is a hillbilly Santa Claus jumping up from his motorized sleigh to whoop a trick with pepaw fists of fury! It’s a win/win.
This is also a win because ole’ dude magically jumps up from his scooter and starts walking. It’s a miracle, pa! It’s a miracle, pa! Who ever said farts don’t do miracles was telling lies.
The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz’s hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.
RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in
Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).
No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he’s doing. Okay, I get it, but isn’t this why movies have budgets?! Couldn’t they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he’s done with work he doesn’t look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should’ve asked Ryan Gosling’s dog George to be RPattz’s hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.
News delivered from a dove straight out of my dreams: Shannen Doherty is getting a reality show!!!!! – Lainey Gossip
Screw these no-ass hos, Bert & Ernie should be the ones getting married on Sunday – Towleroad
Do you think Ceiling Eyes’ nipples are permanent space watchers too? – Hollywood Tuna
And how much do you want to bet the state will give Lindsay Lohan a welfare card – The Superficial
Today, true love is giving your husband a chin job in the middle of an airport – Popsugar
JLo got paid $1 million to do this – Just Jared
Eva Longoria’s culo-hugging jeans aren’t tight enough – Hollywood Rag
Ivana Trump’s still got it (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
If Snoop Dogg gets ultra stoned, he’s totally going to try to nibble on that hat – Cityrag
Megan Fox in Elle China – Popoholic
All together now: WE KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW IT – Celebitchy
Rachel Zoe laughs at this silly stupid child – The Daily What
Tom Felton or Jude Law circa 1999? – The Berry
Jennifer Aniston still holding hands with Justin Theroux (trust me, bitch ain’t gonna let go ever) – I’m Not Obsessed
I’m soooooo going to be Courtney Stodden for Halloween this year. Meaning, I’m going to fill my body with Vicodin powder until my mannerisms go numb and my weave starts to look high – Videogum
Vintage Melissa Joan Hart – SOW
Believe it or not, but the California Justice System does not consider getting your freckled titty bags out in magazine photo shoots as community service, so Lindsay Lohan has yet to complete most of hers. LiLo dragged her pink Twizzler lips into court today for a probation hearing and Judge Stephanie let it be known that she was disappointed at how White Oprah’s child has only done 4 days of community service and still has 56 days to go. When LiLo got done luxuriating during house arrest, she came out and declared to everybody that she couldn’t wait to finish all of her community service. Well, LiLo is consistent in one thing: when bitch opens her mouth, you know you’re going to get lies wrapped in a coke breath tornado.
TMZ reports that Judge Stephanie threatened to revoke LiLo’s probation if she doesn’t finish all of her community service within 1 year of sentencing. Judge Stephanie also gave LiLo 21 days to sign up with a personal psychological counselor, something she was required to do but didn’t.
LiLo blamed her probation officer who she thinks is trying to destroy her. The probation officer claims LiLo doesn’t return calls and hasn’t submitted paperwork proving that she’s enrolled in community service. Judge Stephanie confirmed LiLo did both of those things, so the charbroiled crackie thinks her probation officer is out to get her.
Oh, please. Even if LiLo’s probation officer is trying to ruin her, nothing is ever going to happen to her. LiLo is a condom to the California Justice System’s Jim Bob Duggar. They hardly fuck with her. Sure, Judge Stephanie brought LiLo in to slap her on the wrist in front of everybody, but she doesn’t mean it. It’s like when a dad (played by Judge Stephanie) pulls his kid (played by LiLo) into a hallway within ear shot of her mother (played by the public) to chew her ass out before whispering “just kidding.”
I can’t believe that most of the country is suffocating under a nutsack of heat (or whatever the media is calling it) and precious court house air conditioning is wasted just so Judge Stephanie can tell LiLo that if she keeps screwing up she’s going to get sent to the time out corner for way longer than last time. A time our corner that has an open bar and a mirrored coffee table, of course.
I have a jacked up haircut, have been known to chew on my own toe nails, usually wear only one sock and start wagging when I see an apple (especially an apple like this) and I will never ever EVER ever be as cool as Ryan Gosling’s dog George. This is one thing I learned from watching this clip of Ryan and George on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. The other thing I learned is that I want to crystallize Ryan’s voice and sprinkle it on my poutine. (<— If that sentence was a drag queen it’s name would be Youffa Nizm.)
But really, we get it, Ryan! Your dog is the new definition of awesome. Your dog is basically calling the giant pubic landing strip on his body a “mohawk” and we agree with him. Your dog is setting new trends by wearing one sock. Your dog is the Cherie from Punky Brewster of dogs. Your dog is so special that I’m sure he shits apple cobbler. Okay, I’m not joking about that last one. Have you ever fed a dog an apple? I have, and even after Sunshine Cleaning came and did their best job, the pavement outside of my apartment building was never the same again.
What I’m really trying to say here is that I’m going to make my dog get plastic surgery to look just like Ryan Gosling’s dog.