Star Magazine has grappled up to another spot on the mountain of infinite fuckery with this “The Princess & The Tomboy” cover starring Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. According to them, Suri is a spoiled snowfake who never gets told “NO” and gets to eat cupcakes whenever she wants. And on the other side, Shiloh wants a dead animal zoo and decapitated all of Zahara’s dolls one day. Basically, Star is trying to tell us that in about 20 years, Suri and Shiloh will star in a remake of Big Business.
This is Anita, a girl who swears on her Edward Cullen toilet seat that she is the world’s biggest Twihard. Homegirl is so convinced of this that she has entered Moviefone’s Biggest Twilight Fan Contest. My bong is running empty so I haven’t seen any of the other videos, but my vote is going to go to Anita. Here’s the 10 reasons why:
1. Anita is wearing a wedding dress. A wedding dress.
2. Anita made a DIY paper tuxedo for her Jacob cardboard cutout.
3. Anita is obviously a proud graduate of Kristen Stewart’s School of Monotone Delivery.
4. Anita doesn’t care that people think her Twilight addiction counts as a form of insanity.
5. Anita exists solely to worship Twilight.
6. Anita would take a bullet for any member of the cast of Twilight (even that one girl who is bearding for a Jonas).
7. Anita has her undying love for Twilight tattooed on the inside of her heart.
8. Anita has walked into a pool because she was reading a Twilight magazine (????).
9. Anita is wearing a wedding dress. A FUCKING WEDDING DRESS.
10. Anita has crunchy curls.
The last part has nothing to do with anything, I just really like crunchy curls.
Those 10 reasons could also be the “10 reasons to commit your loved one” on a pamphlet from the mental health department, but who am I to judge?! I just admitted that I get the fever for Michael Damn Nouri!
Cross file this under: “Bristol Palin is the new Robert Goulet“. You are not alone in wanting to murder your TV in the face for exposing you to Bristol Palin’s dance moves on Dancing with the Has-Beens and That Teen Mom From Alaska. Steven Cowan is loading his pistol right next to you, but his ass actually went through with it! I would give him an AMERICAN HERO medal, but he killed a TV and the TV is this country’s official mascot! That’s worse than kicking a weeping bald eagle.
This high important news story comes to us from Wisconsin where The Chicago Tribune says 67-year-old Steven Cowan was filled with so much rage over Bristol Palin’s “constipated pony” dance moves that he reached for his shotgun and shot out his TV. Steven then turned the gun on his wife who ran for the phone and called in reinforcements. The SWAT team surrounded his house and spent the next 15 LONG HOURS trying to talk him out. Doesn’t Steven realize that 15 hours is longer than the amount of time Bristol has practiced her moves in TOTAL.
Steven finally shuffled out of his house on Tuesday morning and was arrested and charged with second-degree reckless endangerment and tubeslaughter in the first degree. Steven told police that he’s bi-polar and said he put a bullet in his TV because he felt Bristol “was not a good dancer and that she was only on the show because of her famous mother.”
Solely judging by Steven’s looks, I would never take him for someone who is serious about their Dancing with the Stars. Twerking the ends of his moustache to Ma’s Roadhouse? Yes. But pulling an Elvis over DWTS? Never.
And since the producers of DWTS are known stunt queens, expect Steven Cowan to be the surprise guest judge at the finale.
(Thanks to all who sent this mess in)
TMZ reported yesterday that Eva Longoria and Tony Porkme took a machete to their cold dead marriage and filed for divorce. Then Eva’s rep squatted on the rumor and pissed all over it. BUT NOW, People says Eva has filed for divorce for real this time. DAMN! Pick a hole and keep it in there! Seriously, when they asked her rep about this mess yesterday, they should’ve just said, “Ask me the same thing tomorrow.”
After 3 years of marriage, Eva filed divorce papers in Los Angeles this morning. TMZ’s sources say that Eva is all kinds of devastated. That might have something to do with UsWeekly’s cover story that claims Eva closed her legs to Tony for good because she caught him sexting with one of their lady friends. Apparently, Eva found hundreds upon hundreds of text messages between Tony and his possible side-piece. The messages go back a year. The source went on to say, “Eva is heartbroken by the betrayal. Once the trust was lost, the marriage was over. Eva truly thought she was going to grow old with Tony and have children with him. She’s inconsolable.”
So Eva is shocked that a professional athlete passed the peen and stuck it in banned pussy without a permission slip from his wife? Yeah, I guess Eva was absent the day the teacher gave a lecture about Elin Woods…Brett Favre…blah blah blah
And you know that “I’m trying to pull out a care, but I just can’t” face you made yesterday when you read about their first divorce filing? Well, you can make that face again. You’re getting good at it.
And so was Prince Hot Ginge! And Mah Boo Anderson Cooper! And Brooke Hogan! And the
hot silver piece in All My Children whose character name is not cumming on my brain at this time Michael Fucking Nouri! I mean, Berg from Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place?! Who stuffed the ballot box with ScarJo’s chichis and hundred dollar bills from Warner Bros.? Don’t ever get me wrong, I’d hit it until I got jizz poisoning, and even then I’d pop a milk pill up my no-no and keep going, but STILL! People needs to show us the receipts, copy of checks and the notarized ledger! Somebody needs to drop an audit on those bitches.
You know what else is illegal? People crowed Ryan Reynolds as the “Sexiest Man With A Working Pulse” without giving us a piece of the sexiest part of him: HIS GOT DAYUM NIPPLES! Instead they give us an awkward picture of Ryan looking like he’s about to lift up his hip and bust out a side fart while watching football. Do over.
Since Jon Hamm could make a rock orgasm with a lift from his brow, I figured he’d get the title. Jon (along with Kellan Lutz, Wheelchair Jimmy, Alcide from True Blood, RDJ, Justin Timberlake, Vin Diesel, etc…) made the cut, but he didn’t get the cover. Storm the gates!
A week after UsWeekly put a magnifying glass up to Pink’s womb and diagnosed her with the BABIES!!!!, she has confirmed to Ellen that her days are now filled with pregnancy farts and freaking out about whether she’s going to caca on the labor table. Alecia Moore and Carey Hart are contributing to the overflowing human race and having a baby. A baby who will probably grow up not knowing the hell a plastic bag is. Now that plastic bags are banned in L.A., what is my mother going to put over her head when she gives herself a hot oil treatment. L.A. needs to think of the thirsty follicles out there! But I digress…
Pink tells Ellen why she wasn’t shouting the news from the top of her Twitter, “I was just really nervous. I have had a miscarriage before, but if I was going to talk about it with anyone, it was going to be with you. I worked for it…It was not an ‘Oops.'” Pink says they aren’t too sure if their baby friend has a peen or poon, but she’s leaning towards the latter, “But the doctor kind of told me what she thinks. I’m terrified because she thinks it’s a girl! My mom has always wished me a daughter just like me,. I’m terrified one of us will go to jail.”
Usually a platinum pompadour only works on a bitch whose first name is “Wayne” and whose last name is “Cochran” but Pink is pulling that shit off in a “divorcee who works part-time as a perfume spray girl” kind of way.