WHY????!????

September 26, 2010 / Posted by:

I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina’s head that makes her look like she’s about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner’s cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, “Calm down on the naranja, bitch.” And I don’t even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!

Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it’s going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina’s brows are saying to me, “Please sir, I want some more.” More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It’s like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat…)

How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina’s tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. “Put us out of our misery” brows. How dreadful.

But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:

When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina’s brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.

Here’s some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.

The Lindsay Lohan “Doing Heroin” Pictures Aren’t That Escandaloso

September 26, 2010 / Posted by:

“LILO ON HEROIN” is what The News of the World is shouting above a picture of Lindsay Lohan with a needle to her arm and what they say is a tourniquet around her wrist. Either LiLo is the dumbest smackhead of all-time and forever, or that “tourniquet” is actually just a watch. Click here to see all the pictures if that’s what you need today.

No, these pictures were not taken in the 1890s with a box camera or at Knott’s Berry Farm’s old timey photo studio. They were taken at a party back in 2007. Bitch needs a new camera.

This is what News of the World has to say for themselves:

CROUCHING in a dark corner, Lindsay Lohan is poised to inject herself with what appears to be a syringe of heroin.

Our shocking picture shows the troubled Mean Girls star wrapping a tourniquet around her lower arm – the method addicts use to raise a vein.

Her right hand hovers the needle over the skin of her left arm.

The drama! Now I’m not saying that I don’t think Blohan has ever leaped across brown clouds to catch a dragon, but these pictures don’t prove that. This just looks like another one of her “I’M SO EDGY, I’M LIKE A DANNY BOYLE MOVIE” home grown photo shoots. You know, the kind of photo shoot Taylor Momsen would do during first grade picture day.

The most terrifying and horrific picture in this series is the one of Blohan touching lips with Parasite Hilton. Wait. Maybe Blohan wasn’t playing around with a heroin needle. Maybe bitch is giving herself antibiotics after sucking on a free clinic petri dish. Blohan’s one moment of clarity!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 26, 2010 / Posted by:

Matt Muenster, host of DIY’s BATHtastic! and Bath Crashers

Thanks to Matt Muenster, I now day dream about taking a sledgehammer to the tiles in my bathroom and ripping out the crusty ass vanity without my landlord slipping an eviction notice under my door (and the ho would). Matt is the host and designer on my two new addictions: BATHtastic! and Bath Crashers. Matt has seen the inside of more toilets than The Hoff’s drunk ass and that’s saying a lot.

In Bath Crashers, Matt and his crew troll Home Depot for people looking to renovate their bathrooms. Then Matt throws them a wink and a pucker before telling them that if they take him home, he’ll give it to their bathroom real good. And he does! (Jeremy Piven just found his new pick-up move).

And in BATHtastic, Matt and the homeowners work together to redo their bathroom in just a couple of days on a budget. I knew that Matt knew what was really important in life when he put in a DAMN BAR in somebody’s bathroom cabinet. Matt is eating all of our thoughts, because you know you’ve been on the toilet before and thought to yourself, “I could really use a drink.” And having a bar in the bathroom promotes good dental care! I mean, vodka is practically like Scope.

Hopefully, one day I’ll own a bathroom so that I can sit in the faucet aisle at Home Depot waiting for Matt to pick me up. Actually, maybe I’ll sit in the faucet aisle anyways and take Matt to the busted down bathroom at Barnes & Noble in Union Square I always use. That shit could use a bar in it….and heated floors….and an aromatherapy toilet.

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Birthday Sluts

September 26, 2010 / Posted by:

Donna Douglas (Elly May from The Beverly Hillbillies) (77)
Keisha Buchanan (26)
Serena Williams (29)
Christina Milian (29)
Jake Paltrow (35)
Sheri Moon Zombie (40)
James Caviezel (42)
Ben Shenkman (42)
Jillian Barberie (44)
Nicki French (46)
Melissa Sue Anderson (48)
Tracey Thorn (48)
Cindy Herron (49)
Linda Hamilton (54)
Olivia Newton-John (62)
Mary Beth Hurt (64)
Bryan Ferry (65)
Anne Robinson (66)
Jerry Weintraub (73)
Winnie Mandela (74)
Philip Bosco (80)
Jack LaLanne (96)

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Willow Smith Takes Milan!

September 25, 2010 / Posted by:

Somebody has to look like every cartoon from my childhood (examples: Punky Brewster: The Cartoon, Jem!, Garbage Pail Kids and Maxie’s World) exploded onto their body, and Willow Smith is just that somebody! 9-year-old Willow risked Pepe Le Pew getting hearts in his eyes for her by dipping her whippin’ hair into a bowl of Wite-Out before the Emporio Armani show in Milan yesterday.

I’m not even going to try to wrap one thought around Willow’s ensemble. When I was 9 years old, I’m sure I too wanted to wear two pairs of boots at the same time. It’s like a pair of boots giving birth to another pair of boots! Don’t question Willow! Just snort the Kool-Aid powder and nod your head.

And Jada Pinkett Smith must be deep into that Scientology crap, because her face is starting to look like something you might see on the cover of Weekly World News. Speaking of alien faces, Megan Fox and David Silver were also at the show today.

Ken Paves Has Found A New Hag

September 25, 2010 / Posted by:

If the rumors are true, then Ken Paves, the light in my high, is no longer massaging the girdle marks out of Jessica Simpson’s skin with his natural sweet oils. The story goes that Ken is sick of Jessica throwing an invisible cape over his ass every time she gets a piece in her life.

We all know that bitch. The bitch who drops you as soon as she gets some full-time dick, but then pulls some “Oh, how I’ve missed you” shit as soon she’s single again. Well, Ken had enough so he swatted the fly from his fruit bowl and is now spending more time with Posh. Here he is throwing a “Yup, you had this” look of scorn at the camera while sitting with Posh at an L.A. Galaxy game in Carson, CA last night.

Becks is busy rolling around with premium pussy peddlers, so Posh always has time for Ken. But then again, Posh can’t hang with hos skinnier than she is, so Ken is going to have to go on that Jessica Simpson diet (the irony….) if he wants a place at her trough.

And just because, here’s also some pictures of Becks giving the jersey off his back to two beauties in the stands.

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