If you missed the 25th anniversary version of “We Are The World,” then just do good by your ear drums and listen to the original instead. “We Are The World” was never my thing, because I always felt like I should be listening to it while sitting in a plastic boat and waving at animatronic children of the world (yes, I still wave at them). But this new version….ugh.
I mean: Justin Beaver Baby, Whiney Cyrus, a singing Lil’ Wayne, one of those Jonas things, Nicole Scherwhatever, a poorly edited Michael/Janet moment, and enough auto-tune to keep Brit Brit in business for years to come.
The shy frozen peen of the Winter Olympics Cauldron!
At last night’s Opening Ceremony in Vancouver, Wayne Gretzky, Steve Nash, Nancy Greene and Catriona LeMay Doan gathered around the cauldron to light it together using four hung icy dicks (aka what happens when you get a handjob from Nicole Kidman) that were supposed to get hard and rise from the ice. One of the peensicles got a case of erectile dysfunction and failed to stand up. Maybe it got a little shy? Or maybe its tip got a good look at Wayne Gretzky’s “Barry Manilow going to a costume party as a lesbian Wayne Newton” face and it chose to stay flaccid. Yeah, let’s go with the latter. Clip below:
Jerry Springer (66)
Prince Michael Jackson I (13)
Mena Suvari (31)
Robbie Williams (36)
Kelly Hu (42)
Henry Rollins (49)
Pernilla August (52)
Peter Gabriel (60)
Stockard Channing (66)
Carol Lynley (68)
George Segal (76)
Kim Novak (77)
Emanuel Ungaro (77)
After playing with his dogs at a park in Van Nuys, CA today, Kellan Lutz curled up with a good book (titled: in a tree. Yes, homeboy jumped up into a tree to read a book. The hell? Does he think he’s in a Merchant Ivory movie? Does he think he’s Tom Sawyer or some shit?
How can he focus on reading when there’s a piece of wood rubbing against your culo. Since I put it that way, maybe I should take a tip from Kellan and read all my Jackie Collins novels in a tree.
And real talk, you know Kellan only climbed into the tree to get away from crazed, slobbery Twitards.
During Hailey Glassman’s interview with the prestigious Steppin’ Out…Of The Port-A-Potty At A Warrant Concert Magazine, she said that her ex-boyfriend Jon Grosselin is “hung like a 9-year-old boy” and his peen is about 3 inches long. Kate Major, who also took a ride on Jon’s button mushroom, co-signs Hailey’s claim to Life & Style Magazine. Yes, it has come to this. We are talking in detail about Jon Gosselin’s dick. Do you think it’s too late for me to sign-up for classes at DeVry?
Anyababyhamstercoulddeepthroatjon, Kate says, “Jon was pretty boring and nothing exciting. I’m surprised he’s so ‘cocky’ because down there he’s not.” Kate also said that she and Hailey would laugh about Jon’s dick all the time.
Okay, Jon might have a dick that looks like half a piece of canned baby corn that has been left by the side of the road and pecked at by pigeons, but those two dumb bitches licked on it numerous times! Their clits had sword fights with Jon’s fetus dick (and their clits won) plenty of times! So who is the small penis now?
And do you think sucking on Jon’s dick is like sucking on one Bai Ling’s nipples? On that note, I’m off to DeVry.com!
When Joan Henrietta Collins hit the runway at the Red Dress fashion show in NYC last night, every single person in the audience slapped themselves as though it had come from the diamond-covered hand of Alexis Carrington herself. And then Joan spread her chiffon red wings at the end of the catwalk, everybody in the room got a text message from their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or mother saying that they were leaving them for Joan Collins. That’s right. Only this glamorous rhinestone minx can steal your man and slap you in the face with simply the raise of her wrist.
The homely creatures who followed Joan’s eyelash-singing entrance should’ve stayed in the back eating stale bagels. Even if unicorns came flying out of their assholes, they still couldn’t beat Joan.
If you feel like you need an ice cube on your tongue to heal the burns left by Joan Collins, here’s pictures of everyone else who walked in the Red Dress show last night. They are: Raven (who looked like she had just suffered hours of electro-shock therapy), Kim Kardashian, Kristen Chenoweth, Felicity Huffman, Valerie Harper, Hasselcrack, Heidi Klum, Kimora the Terrible, and Bethenny Frankel.