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April 8, 2010 / Posted by:
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Another Carrington Has Died

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

The entire Carrington clan is slowly making their way up to heaven to slap rivals and takeover corporations up there. The patriarch of the Carrington family, Blake, passed away last week and now Ben has joined him.

Christopher Cazenove, who played evil Ben Carrington Dynasty, passed away in London yesterday at the age of 66. Christopher’s family told the BBC that he contracted Septicaemia in February and had been trying to fight it off ever since. His family added that he died peacefully.

Rest in peace, Ben Carrington….

Now we must all hold on to each other’s shoulder pads and form a prayer circle around Alexis, Sammy Jo, Fallon, Sable and Dominique just in case God is taking Dynasty cast members in threes.

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Kiely Williams Cares

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

It looks like Kiely Williams recently took a crash course at Lindsay Lohan’s Night School of Excuses, because the defense she came up with for the date rape anthem “Spectacular” is some real spectacular bullshit! In case you have no idea what I’m going on about, watch the motel porn preview above or click here to get the gist. Warning: It will leave you singing “Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off” for the rest of the day. Actually, you probably sing that anyway throughout the day, so ignore the warning.

Instead of pleading the ho fifth by putting a peen on it, Kiely came up with this ridiculously hilarious shit:

“ATTENTION: I am an actor and performer. I have been so since my first role in a television pilot at five years old. I played a character when I was a Cheetah Girl. I am playing a character in the music video for the song Spectacular, as I did in the Cheetah Girl movies. Young women across the country get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. That’s a fact. I recorded the song to bring attention to this frighteningly prevalent activity. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior.

Are Lady Gaga and Beyonce advocating murder with the Telephone video? Of, course not. Was Rihanna encouraging suicide with Russian Roulette? No. Was Madonna suggesting that young unmarried girls get pregnant with Papa Dont Preach? I dont think so. Is Academy Award winner Monique a proponent of incest because of her portrayal of Mary in the movie Precious. Clearly, the answer is no.

I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Please dont shoot the messenger.”

HA. Is Kiely really trying to pass off this ho shit masterpiece off as a public service announcement for women’s health issues?! More like a penis service announcement. Stop trying to roofie our eyes and ears, Kiely! We are well aware what’s up in this video, and it’s your ass. If you want to pop your pussy on the train tracks, more power to you. But don’t try to pass it off as something more than popping your pussy on the train tracks.

With all that being said, we all should really thank Kiely for giving us an excuse to tell the cops when we get caught giving oral to a stranger on the street in between taking hits from a joint. “Officer, I was only sucking that stranger’s weenus and smoking the devil weed to show our nation’s youth that being a stoned out public slut is no life.

via ONTD

Art Imitating Life!

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

This one is easy. Hugh Jackmeoff and Kate Winslet will star in what has been described as a “raunchy” 5-minute segment in the Farrelly Brothers new movie. Hugh Jackman knows his audience, because Movieline says that he will play (SPOILER ALERT) a man whose man berries are attached to his chin. Someone who apparently read the script explained it like this:

Well, I’ve read it. So I know the secret. And I guess I’ll spoil it, though it’ll probably be funnier as a surprise. […] Jackman’s balls are located under his chin. And no one ‘sides Winslet seems to notice/care.

So it’s a documentary! Hugh has already done plenty of research, so he’s pretty much perfect for this role. It’s also a good excuse for when his wife catches him with huevos on his chin. IT’S RESEARCH!

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There’s No Escaping Kate Gosselin

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Once Kate Gosselin finishes terrorizing millions with her zombie dance of doom on Dancing with the Never-Wases, she will return to TLC in not one but two new projects. The shiny sparkle on this butt nugget is that Jon Grosselin is not in either show. Yup, so Jon needs to keep spit shining Christian Audigier’s crotch raisins, because he has lawyer bills to pay!

USA Today brings us the news that Kate will star in the vommy titled show Twist of Kate. It gets worse. Kate will travel the country (TO THE SAFE HOUSE!!!) and visit the homes and workplaces of everyday people to walk a mile “in their shoes.”

Does Kate take requests? Because I think we would all like to see her in the shoes of a pirate who is about to walk the plank. Or the shoes of a steak about to be thrown into the lion cage at the zoo (don’t tell Kate that steaks don’t wear shoes). Or the shoes of Tommy Girl’s proctologist. Or the shoes of a Jennifer Aniston impersonator at a Brangeloonie convention. Etc.. etc…

Kate had this to say about her new show, “I want to be out there learning from others, helping to provide insight whenever I can, though I don’t consider myself an expert on anything.”

In addition to Twist of Kate, she will also co-star in a series of Kate Plus 8 specials with the child army.

Twist of Kate will debut on TLC in the Summer along with Sarah Palin’s Alaska. So if you ever want to know what it feels like to laugh, cry and dry heave at the exact same time just turn on TLC in the Summer.

Vanilla Gorilla Does Not Have A Sex Tape

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Sandra Bullock has already come out and said that you need to look elsewhere for a Nazi and scat-filled fuck tape (hint: Mel Gibson’s attic), because she never made one with Vanilla Gorilla.

Yesterday, Vanilla Gorilla released his own statement denying the existence of ANY fuck tape starring him. There was a rumor floating around the toilet that VG made nearly a dozen tapes with several of his side-hos. VG burps to People that it ain’t so:

“The claims of sex tapes are untrue and completely fabricated.”

Isn’t fabricated a strange word? Obviously, it makes me think of fabric, which makes me think of Jo-Ann’s, which makes me think of Butterick patterns, which makes me wonder if they ever made patterns for Nazi uniforms. VG would know. But I’m digressing again…

So there you go. NO SEX TAPES. Class is released. You can go back to not giving a dick.

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