Charlize Theron is making all the worst dressed lists this morning and I’m not sure why. A few hating hos have called Charlize’s “Janet Jackson getting titty cupped” dress tasteless, tacky and trampy. Yeah exactly, point me to the problem, because most of us would nibble on Jon Gosselin’s crotch sprout to be called tasteless, tacky and trampy. That’s a life goal.
If I still haven’t convinced you, let me put it this way: The top of Charlize’s dress looks like two labia flowers suckling on her chichi nipples. Sold, right?
Just when I was about to throw Eli Roth a compliment for looking sessy (aka like a waiter at a 1920s-themed murder mystery party) at the Oscars last night, I see pictures of him holding hands with Peaches Fucking Geldof! If you have no idea who Peaches Geldof is, just stick your finger up your b-hole, pull it out, smell it, and that pretty much sums her up.
Did Eli get the memo that Peaches is the worst?! I know Eli Roth gets hard for gore and horror, but this is ridiculous! I can’t look at you anymore, Eli.
Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty’s prune cake).
Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she’s busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she’s suffering on the inside from Betty White’s grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that’s not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.
Here’s a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world’s memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey’s second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).
Things That Should Be Illegal: Leaving Farrah Fawcett And Bea Arthur Out Of The In Memoriam Oscar Montage
Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were both left out of the In Memoriam Oscar montage last night. Should I call the police about this illegal activity or do you want to handle this? Or is the Fail Whale already on his way?!
Farrah and Bea are primarily known for being goddesses of TV, but they both have several films credits. Farrah was in Myra Breckinridge, Logan’s Run, Dr. T and the Women and Extremeties! You know you still stop in your tracks every time Extremeties comes on TV at 3 in the morning. As for Bea, I shouldn’t even have to explain why she should have been included. Whenever one has the chance to showcase Bea Arthur’s precious face on a giant screen, they should take it NO MATTER WHAT! It’s just common sense.
Radar asked the rep for the Oscars Leslie Unger what she had to say about snubbing the shiniest stars in heaven, and this was her answer: “It is highly unlikely that we forgot about Farrah Fawcett but we unfortunately don’t include everyone each year. There are many angles that are looked at as to who to include and unfortunately we don’t include everyone.”
Bruce Davis, the executive producer of the Oscars, added this: “It is the single most troubling element of the Oscar show every year. Because more people die each year than can possibly be included in that segment. You are dropping people who the public knows. It’s just not comfortable.”
Leslie and Bruce will regret this dearly when their hair FAILS to flip and a piece of cheesecake FAILS to taste delicious.
And here’s the winner from Friday’s contest! It was hard picking just one, so I let my boyfriend pillow do the choosing. That’s how Aniston would handle this. Congrats to TheGoldenBoyNC! You’ve got a gift waiting in your inbox.
“Sourpuss” – With the energizing aroma of apple cider vinegar and supple hints of stagnant Snapple lemonade, one whiff of Sourpuss will have you pout and look generally pissed off at the world just like superstar Jennifer Aniston. Pairs perfectly with Ed Hardy cologne for the man in your life … but if you’re like Jennifer, you probably don’t have one. – TheGoldenBoyNC
Runners-up (prize: a cyber hug from me, no returns accepted):
Shaped liked a phone. Smells like silence. – jazzfish_77
“Childless!” Smells like a clean house, kid-barfless clothes/hair, and FREEDOM – Green Tea Latte
Ocean Screamer, the scent that encapsulates the sandy beaches of Cabo, dried eggs and raw cookie dough. – beakers bitch
The Rules (posted on Friday):
We’re going to do shit a little differently today. The CAPTION THIS Contest will take the day off, so we can help Jennifer Aniston out! OK! Magazine is saying that Jennifer has been working on a branded perfume for around 20 months. Aniston’s rep confirmed the news to Wonderwall. There’s a little problem, though. Jen is having trouble coming up with a name. A source said that the names “Aniston” and “Echo” have already been turned down by ad executives.
So give Aniston a helping hand! The rules are simple: Come up with a name for her perfume and describe its scent.
The winner will get a bottle of Aniston’s lonely tears if it ever comes out. Or I can just send you a $25 iTunes gift card so you can download a bunch of weepy break-up songs.
The winner will be announced on Monday!
Elinor Burkett, the woman who has been dubbed the Lady Kanye of the Oscars!
Who knew that the Best Documentary Short category would bring the theatrics and cuntery! You would expect this kind of behavior from those dramatic bitches in the Best Film Editing category, but not from the short documentarians!
When Music By Prudence was announced as the winner for Best Documentary Short, the movie’s director Roger Ross Williams sprinted on stage in a piping hot second to accept the award. Seriously, Roger was up there in the blink of an eye, because he knew Mrs. Garrett was on her way to play Kanye West to his Taylor Swift. A few seconds into his speech, Elinor bum rushed the mic and started spewing some incoherent, slurring nonsense.
It’s as if the drunk mother of the bride stole the mic from the best man to cry about how she’s losing her baby. Yes, Elinor is that bitch who cuts in front of you at the bank to ask the teller a quick question but ends up rattling on and on for 15-minutes.
Roger stood there all patient like, but you know he was envisioning hitting Elinor on the top of her head with his Oscar.
After the Oscars, Salon caught up with Roger and Elinor to get the raw story behind the fuckery. Elinor does have a producer credit on the film, so she did indeed win an Oscar. However, Roger claims she removed herself from the project a year ago because he refused to give her complete creative control. Elinor claims that the project was her love child, and that Roger didn’t even know Zimbabwe was a real place until she told him about it (THIS BITCH!).
The producers only allowed one person to give a speech, and Roger figured he should be the one since he’s the director. Elinor says she never agreed to this, so when Music By Prudence was announced as the winner she ran up too. Roger got to the stage first, because his old mother blocked Elinor with her cane. We’re going to need video of that from all angles.
In case you missed it, here’s Elinor’s crazy bitch antics at the Oscars last night. Picture Roger’s mother in the audience raising up her cane in anger.