Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Patricia Maisch, the 61-year-old snowy-haired woman who wrestled a magazine out of the Tucson shooter’s gun after three men (including a 74-year-old retired army colonel) tackled him to the ground. Patricia, who may or may not be a member of The Memaw’s Are Not The One Club, spoke to reporters outside of her home (below) in Arizona yesterday about how she pulled the magazine out of the gun while Jared Loughner tried to reload.

Leave it to a camera dude’s hard nipple to temporarily snatch my attention away. I swear, there’s always a hard nipple.

via Fark


Birthday Sluts

January 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Jemaine Clement (37)
Saleisha Stowers (25)
Abigail Clancy (25)
Alex Meraz (26)
Sarah Shahi (31)
Chris Smith of Kriss Kross (32)
Cash Warren (32)
Lyle Menendez (43)
Trini Alvarado (44)
Julie Moran (49)
Evan Handler (50)
Gurinder Chadha (51)
Shawn Colvin (55)
Pat Benatar (58)
James Lapine (62)
George Foreman (62)
Rod Stewart (66)
William Sanderson (67)
Frank Sinatra, Jr. (67)
Al Goldstein (75)


The Millionth Return Of Wino!

January 9, 2011 / Posted by:

A strange thing happened in Florianópolis, Brazil last night. Amy Winehouse took to the stage and didn’t do anything of the following things during her set:

– Bit the face cheek off of an audience member and fed it to her nipple hole.

– Sent a baby rat with a black ball of yarn on its head and two walnuts glued to its chest to perform in her place.

– Chased an imaginary Smurf around the stage for an hour straight.

– Spewed millions of leeches into the audience forcing the police to quarantine its citizens and shut down the city.

None of those things happened at all! Yes, she temporarily got confused about the difference between a microphone and a water bottle (see above) so she sang into both of ’em, but that was the only hitch. By the way, that looks like the most disappointing oral swordfight ever.

The Daily Mail says that Wino spilled out all of her greatest hits (just like how her tits spilled out of her dress) and the audience snorted that shit up. And not one human person turned into a crack-devouring zombie. Triumph! Click here to see a few clips of Wino’s performance last night.


Love Is Restored: Zac Efron And Vanessa Hudgens Are Back Together

January 9, 2011 / Posted by:

The cracks in Cinderella’s Castle that were created out of pain when Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up slowly started to heal every time she licked the strawberry kiwi lip gloss off of his lips at the opening of SHG Eden Hollywood on Friday night. Whatever Zac and Vanessa were doing together for 5 years, they stopped doing last month. But some witness type tells People that it must be back on since Vanessa was on him like he was a webcam. The source had this to say:

“Vanessa was bopping around with her arms up while Zac had his hands all over her. Vanessa had a smile on from ear to ear and the two were inseparable after that.

Zac sat in between her legs and she wrapped her arms around him. They were making out on and off for the last hour or so until closing. They acted like there was no one else in the room.”

Zac isn’t just a pretty princess face made from pieces of plastic mermaids from the old submarine ride at Disneyland. Zac has brains too! Zac realized that Vanessa’s movie Beastly is about to become the Titanic of the pre-apocalypse and he wants his name to trickle out of her mouth and down Oscar’s chest when she accepts the trophy for Best Actress at the Academy Awards in 2012.

Or maybe Zac knows that he will never find another girl who doesn’t laugh when he asks her to take a concealer stick to his b-hole. Well, Zac can FEEL the white heads on his ass lips! Girls just don’t understand that he can’t leave the house when he has visible white heads on his ass lips! Who can really? Vanessa gets it.


Norma Desmond Resurfaces!!!!

January 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Pull out the spotlight and prepare to fall back into a pool, because glamour has arrived from the backseat of a chauffeured Rolls Royce. This is Oliver Stone and his perfectly manicured jewel of a mother Jacqueline Stone at the Palm Springs Film Festival last night. You know, I just spent way too long posting a million pictures (see below) from last night when all you really needed was THIS! Look at Madame Stone! Those eyebrows are always ready for their close-up at all times, Mr. DeMille! And Madame Stone’s natural animal magnetism could breathe life back into any dead monkey!

Why the fuck hasn’t Oliver put his mother in every single one of his movies?! Probably because he knows that all films are way too small to handle Madame Stone’s STAR POWER. More than likely.

And while I was doing research for this highly important story, I found this Oedipus mess from The Washington Post about Oliver and Madame Stone. Oliver’s second ex-wife Elizabeth talks about how Madame Stone taught her son the art of fapping:

“Jacqueline told me” — Elizabeth mimics a husky-voiced French woman — ” ‘He couldn’t relax and I had to show him.’ I was shocked that she loosed her wiles on a child — a little, sad, lonely, pitiful figure. So she robbed him of any chance to take possession of his own sexuality.”

It’s not clear — from detailed interviews with Elizabeth, Oliver and his mother Jacqueline — what actually occurred. Elizabeth claims that Jacqueline Stone touched her teenage son’s genitals and masturbated him. Jacqueline heatedly denies it. And Oliver offers this account: “I’m not embarrassed by anything in the incident. I was very naive, about 15, and my mother just basically, on a trip to France, asked me: ‘Have you ever tried masturbation?’ And she told me how to do it. I don’t remember that she touched my person. She acted it out. She made gestures in the air.”

In any event, Elizabeth theorizes that his mother’s raw sexual power over him — along with his father’s hiring a prostitute for him when he was 16 — seriously damaged his psyche.

“That little boy didn’t stand a chance of any sort of normal life,” says Elizabeth, who was married to Stone from 1981 until she kicked him out of their Santa Monica house — over his numerous extramarital flings — in 1994.

She has since discussed these incidents with him at joint therapy sessions. At one, she recounts, “the therapist’s jaw just dropped” when she complained that Jacqueline touched her then 5-year-old grandson’s penis in the bath, prompting Oliver to bring up his own strange experience with his mother. “The therapist said, ‘In this country, people go to prison for that.’ Oliver stormed out of the session shouting, ‘You’re all screwed up!’ ” (Oliver contends: “I was very calm.”)

Elizabeth, quit being a Betty Schaefer! You are obviously jealous that your beauty doesn’t make camera lenses jizz themselves like Madame Stone’s does. But seriously, my jaw would drop further too, but it’s already on top of my Ikea table from laying eyes on pictures of Madame Stone last night.

I’m just going to let her brows hypnotize those NOT RIGHT images out of my head.


Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

January 9, 2011 / Posted by:

It was Battle of the Beards ’11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He’s totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the “I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!” shakes. But even though Ben’s beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn’t have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby’s breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford’s face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas….

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here’s a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night’s festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

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