Sads time. John Travolta’s two dogs were killed last Thursday after they were both struck by a truck on the tarmac at Bangor International Airport in Maine. After the family landed, one of their assistants took the dogs for a walk and an airport truck accidentally hit them. I know what you’re thinking. Now is not the time to make a joke about John’s wigs.
The Bangor Daily News got a hold of an e-mail that was sent to the Bangor City Manager regarding the accident:
“At approximately 1 a.m. on Thursday, May 13, 2010, an airplane carrying members of the John Travolta family landed at BIA. While there, two small dogs were taken for a walk by someone who is not a family member. An airport service pickup truck was approaching the airplane to service the airplane and did not see the dogs. Unfortunately, the dogs were struck and killed. The airport is investigating the accident. Out of respect for the family’s privacy the city will make no further comment.”
A rep for the Travolta family wasn’t aware of the accident, but said he would look into it.
Awful, and kind of weird. Who was walking the dogs and were they on a leash? Those poor dogs were probably just looking for a good place to relieve their bladders. Well, they’re in heaven now where they can piss wherever they want. Rest in peace, Travolta dogs.
I was so enthralled with Megan Fox’s deep thoughts (see below, too lazy to link) that I completely missed two more very important quotes from her. You can shove two more into her your head. Just sprinkle a little coke on top to numb the pain.
Megan on how she’s a for serious actress who doesn’t need you taking pictures of her nipples while she’s trying to do serious actress stuff: “If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm — physical harm. I’m not a fucking reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fucking picture taken all the time. I’m at my job and I’m trying to play a character and I’m trying to be serious, and this is the shit that’s happening to me. It makes me furious.”
Megan on compliments: “I hate receiving compliments; I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced and fake.”
If being told she’s talented is the thing Megan hates the most, then she will most likely never feel hate again! YAY! Hug a rainbow and kiss a gay, Megan, because it’s your lucky life!
Megan Fox is out promoting something or another, and you know what that means?! Tape a dental dam over your ears, put on a sturdy helmet (there will be head knocking) and get yourself a pair of tweezers and a kitten to pluck, because Megan has more profound words of wisdom for you!
Allure Magazine put a dime in Megan’s slot and kicked at her knees to get her to work so that they could ask her a few questions. This latest lecture from Megan is a little more personal. It’s like On the Road meets a poem about pigeons written by a crackhead on a JcPenney catalog using his own shit. YES!
Megan on being OCD: “This is a sickness, I have an illness. (Ed. note: You can stop right there, Megan. The thought is already complete) Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot into the air.”
Megan on using restaurant forks: “Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been (Ed note: This is a parody, right?), just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!”
Megan on how she curses a lot during interviews: “I was trying to be lighthearted and have a sense of humor. But I have no desire to express it, really, anymore, because I’ve always been fucked doing so.”
Megan on cooking: “I’ll starve to death before I’ll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating.”
Are you still with us? Did you stick your skinniest finger into your ear to poke your brains out? I hope you didn’t, because Megan has just begun. Megan is truly the sluttiest philosopher on the stroll, because she makes it oh-so-easy. Megan’s thoughts always have their legs wide open waiting for you to insert your jokes. Thank you, Megan!
I mean, the part about the toilet shooting nastiness into the air? How does Megan think the toilet feels? I wonder if Megan has figured out why toilets shut their lids whenever she walks by and refuse to open for her? While she’s peeing in the sink, she’s probably thinking to herself, “My omni-powerful brain waves knocked the seat down.” No, it’s the toilet protecting itself from the droplets of diarrhea wafting out of Megan’s mouth. Even toilets have their limits.
Here’s Megan walking into Harvard University yesterday to address the graduating class of 2010. They are so lucky.
After an unsuccessful attempted murder/kidnapping in the name of love, Astronaut Lisa Nowak finally finds her soulmate. – Manbearpig
“Hello? Is this the Academy? Yes – This is James Cameron. I am following Kathryn right now and I know she has my Oscar in her handbag…Yes I can hold…” – ceofancypants
Trying to prove she’s not a total cougar, Madonna switches from Baby Jesus to Baby Moses. – Helen Bigglesworth
Willie Nelson’s manager is trying to get Willie home after he once again tried to roll and smoke his Bio-fuel tour bus. – oggie168
via Flickr (Thanks Joel)
Mayor Ben Gumataotao, the 200-year-old (at least) mayor of a village in Guam who punched another mayor during a legislative public hearing yesterday.
In the video below, Mayor Ben G is trying to take an afternoon nap during a hearing on some boring shit (if it’s not a hearing on guava jellies, bitch ain’t interested) when Mayor Nonito Blas, who dressed up for the occasion, strolls in and greets him by tapping him on that ass. BIG MISTAKE. Mayor Ben G greeted Mayor Blas back by getting up and punching that ho before sitting back down to resume his nap. Gangsta geezer! Punch! Pow! Zzzzz!
Mayor Ben G later apologized and said he hit at Mayor Blas because he doesn’t like being touched. Mayor Nonita accepted his apology and said, “From now I’m not going to touch him. I will just kiss him. Maybe he will accept that. I will still greet him.”
Mayor Ben G did not need to throw an “I’m Sowwies” at Mayor Blas. Mayor Blas was in the wrong here. Everybody knows you don’t sneak up behind an oldie! That’s like sneaking up behind a schizophrenic horse. If they don’t suffer a heart attack, they will kick and punch at you. AND is that a cell phone I see strapped on Mayor Blas’ waistband? STRIKE TWO! Bitch got off easy if you ask me. After Ben G Muhammad Ali-ed Mayor Blas, he should’ve taken out his dentures and chomped them on that bitch’s ear. Yup, give him the Ali and the Tyson.
Not the one: Pepaws aren’t!
Tina Fey (40)
Ryan Cooley (22)
Jack Johnson (35)
Chow Yun-Fat (55)
George Strait (58)
Reggie Jackson (64)