In a shocking twist of events, Leonardo DiCaprio was seen strolling in Cannes with a woman who doesn’t consider a bikini as her job uniform and isn’t a pro at keeping her face sexy for the camera while a wad of sand exfoliates her ass lips in a bad way. Page Six says that avid supermodel collector Leonardo DiCatchaho and Blake Lively spent an intimate moment in Cannes together on Friday night.
A source type says that Leo and Marble Mouth looked like they had sparkly hearts in their eyes while they walked all around the Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc. The source went on, “She was wearing white and he was in a baseball cap. They walked around the grounds together. It looked like they were a couple.”
As a Barbizon graduate, I feel very close to the modeling community and consider them my extended family. So that is why I just have to say: Fuck Marble Mouth! Fuck DiCatchaho! And fuck famous actresses! First they take fashion magazine covers from models, then they take ad campaigns from models and now they’re taking a supermodel’s most loyal subject? Betrayal is Leo humping on an actress. If Leo starts dating actresses, then we can confirm that loyalty really is dead.
In the wise words of RuPaul: Click Clack (Make Dat Money)!!!
Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, has returned to her roots: PUSSY POPPIN’ ON THE POLE! Danielle went from a stripper to an alleged call girl to an amateur retina burner and now she’s back to peeling the chrome off of a pole with her parts. TMZ says that 48-year-old Danielle has signed a 3-year-deal to flash her bankrupt titties and foreclosed ass at a strip club. Strangely enough, Danielle’s new home strip club isn’t located on a poorly paved road off the turnpike and it doesn’t have a Malt Liquor Room instead of a Champagne Room because their customers don’t know what the hell champagne is. No. Danielle has signed with Scores in NYC. The big time!
Danielle will flap her pierced labia during one live show a year (the Halloween show, I’m guessing) and will turn up on Scores’ web show every now and again.
TMZ has more censored pictures of The Grinch of I-95 stealing souls with her starry-eyed nipples if that’s what you need to see today. I don’t know why TMZ even bothered censoring her wet parts since we’ve all seen them and have already woke up screaming in the middle of the night about them. If you haven’t seen Danielle’s Grinch vagina and don’t know if you’re ready for it, just watch the last part of last night’s RHONJ. Focus on Teresa’s half-bald gorilla brother contorting his face into different shades of rage. It’s the same thing.
If you worked at GQ and got a call from Alexander Skarsgard’s publicist confirming that he will be happy to grace the cover and pages of your magazine with his long Swedish limbs, what is the first thing you would do? If it was me, I’d immediately torch the sample closet, hypnotize the editor into declaring June “The Nekkid Swede” issue and tie up any stylist who came to the set with “clothing options for Mr. ASkars.” That’s what anybody with working genitals would do!
Well, anybody but those hos at GQ. They completely covered up the sexiest thing that has come out of Stellan Skarsgard’s penis hole! ASkars’ lingonnips? Covered up! They also covered up ASkars’ happy trail that leads to the FLÄRKE in his pants! (FLÄRKE is the name of the Ikea bookshelf that took me four hours to build and left me all sore up the next day. I’d like to think that ASkars’ peen has the same kind of power.)
If that wasn’t bad enough, GQ also asked the director of Straw Dogs what the set was like during ASkars’ fake rape scene with his girlfriend Kate Bosworth.
“In the beginning, Kate would be crying after every take and Alex would try to comfort her. By the end, everybody got really raw.”
So GQ kept ASKars’ body under wraps and then brings up rape and Kate Bosworth’s name in the article. Way to break a wave of boners, GQ. Why didn’t go they all the way by making Gwyneth Paltrow interview ASkars about his feelings on CROCS in the room where Osama was killed?
Yes, I know the picture above looks like Michael Lohan in the Gerard Butler fat suit he wears to disguise himself as her drug dealer’s collector so he can milk a few more extra coins out of his daughter. But it isn’t! Lindsay Lohan Tweeted the picture of a man she says is a Freemason who has been threatening to murder her 4 years. He could be the one who murdered her career, so we should take this very seriously!
LiLo also Tweeted this little note asking her fans to stand by her during this very dangerous time in her life.
This is the freemason stalker that has been threatening to kill me- while he is TRESPASSING! im actually scared now- the blood in the ‘cults’ book was too much- all my fans, my supporters, please stand by me. g-d bless xxL
I love that she pulled an O out of God. Lindsay Lohan will take a crack needle to her veins, but she will never EVER take God’s name in vain even when she’s not taking God’s name in vain at all. But on to more important matters like Lindsay Lohan’s life!
A source (White Oprah should just legally change her name to “source” already) tells TMZ that LiLo thinks her Freemason stalker has been following her for 4 years. He leaves strange gifts at her front door and regularly sends her crazy text messages. LiLo doesn’t know the name of her stalker but she’s hoping that the police can help to keep him away.
This womp womp bitch is a mess. She tries to take a restraining order out against a paparazzo who’s been following her around for a week, yet it’s taken her for 4 years to take action (that’s if you count Tweeting as taking action) against a Freemason stalker? Why would I not be surprised if this dude is really a meter reader and the strange gift he’s been leaving her is a past due notice from the electric company? “OH MY G(CENSOR)D! He’s punching numbers into a strange grey box on the side of the house! QUICK, ALI! Call 911* while I Tweet!”
* 911 is actually Lindsay Lohan’s dial code for Radar Online.
That sound you just heard was a thousand novella-watching abuelitas throwing their favorite plastic rosaries in the air while screaming “SANTO DOS! I told ju!“, because they just knew that a secret love child was the real reason for why Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s marriage slipped into the dark abyss the same way a drop of water does when it touches their leathery skin. That’s what gluing your eyeballs to novellas for 12 hours a day will do to you.
As a camera zoomed in on a close-up of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face and melodramatic music swelled in the background, he admitted to The L.A. Times that THE SPERMINATOR has struck again! How do you say “ESCANDALOSO” in Austrian? (Answer: TUMAH!!!).
Here’s what Arnold has to say. It helps if you picture Maria Shriver slapping him back and forth in the face while several members of her family and a couple of priests try to pry her away.
“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago. I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.
I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not. “
After Arnold’s full-time side-piece had their down low love child, she continued to work for the family until she retired in January. She worked for them for a total of 20 years. Maria thought the woman had the baby with her husband. A source tells the Times that Arnold has and will continue to financially take care of his
10-year-old kid. The former side-piece and Maria both declined to comment.
To think, that all those nights Maria heard Arnold huffing, groaning and pounding in his home office, she thought he was just having a good old-fashioned Republican cry about California’s future. But no, he was barebacking the maid the entire time. I really need all parties involved to reenact this mess in a Telemundo series. I also need Arnold’s secret love child to report to the front of class so I can ask them this
UPDATE: Maria Shriver speaks: “This is a painful and heartbreaking time. As a mother, my concern is for the children. I ask for compassion, respect and privacy as my children and I try to rebuild our lives and heal. I will have no further comment.”
Maddox is already sooo over this shit of raising the twins while the ‘rents live it up in Cannes – WTFOMGLOL
Although America has reached its debt ceiling, we’ve still found a way to continue sucking on China’s teet. – Farty McAssface
Fung Chow’s heart was in the right place, but he was never fully accepted by the other LaLeche league mothers. – Vern