Open Post: Hosted By A Work Of Evil

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

We’ve already wept over many videos of despicable HATEFUL bitches murdering bottles of innocent sweet nectar, but it’s still not easy to watch. Just look at this crazy motherfucker sending dozens of booze bottles to their deaths at Rite-Buy Liquors in Nyack, New York on February 23rd. The booze hater, who was charged with the murder of Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam, told police that she was sick of waiting in line so she caused $1,600 worth of damage.

This video is so hurtful that you should really play that Sarah McClanahanin the aaaaarms of an angel” song while watching it. And afterward, open up your booze cabinet and hug all of your friends. Tell them you love them and would never EVER do this to them.

via HuffPo (Thanks Nikkie)

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Kirstie Alley Is 60?!!!

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

If I spent more time sitting across from Kirstie Alley’s Wikipedia page and wasn’t half hungover while doing Birthday Sluts, the fact that her earth age is 60 might already be burned into my memory. BUT DAMN! Scientists can confirm that Xenu eggs of crazy wrapped in a sugary estrogen shell age well. While some actresses that are Kirstie’s age are holding on to the toe nail of youth by filling their faces with more chemicals than what’s in a can of Coke, she’s staying young in the face by exfoliating her thetans off and suckling barley syrup out of John Travolta’s warm tete in the sauna. Fuck those nutritionists who say drinking a Big Gulp full of Krispy Kreme frosting every morning isn’t good for you.

Who needs sanity and reason when you’ve still got your It Takes Two face. This changes everything (not really)!!!

In case you’re wondering, Kirstie is still hornier than a catholic priest. This is what she Twatted yesterday about her Dancing with the Stars partner Maks:

instead of JONNY Appleseed… Maks is JONNY AMPLEseed

Thank you for letting us know that Maks cums gallons, Kristie. And no, we don’t need to know how you know. We’re not going to open that book of nightmares tonight.

And here’s the entire cast of Dancing with the….For Lack of a Better Word…Stars? with their partners. In order: Chelsea Kane with Mark Ballas, Chris Jericho with Mop Head, Hines Ward with Kym Johnson, Kendra’s stupid ass with Louis Van Amstel, Kirstie, Psycho Mike with Lacey Schwimmer, Petra Nemcova with Dimitry Chaplin, Ralph Macchio with Karina Smirnoff Ice, Lil Romeo with Chelsie Hightower, Sugar Ray Leonard with Anna Trebunskaya and Wendy Williams (looking like if a Muppet ate Mimi) with Tony Dovolani.

Ke$ha On Your Peen

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

Bristol Palin better find a new cause, because the abstinence movement has found itself a new poster girl. Or should I say, condom ho. Usually condoms and abstinence don’t play together, but Ke$ha’s face on a dick bag wrapper will make sperm fish drown themselves in semen and cause labia to slam shut like Kirstie Alley’s mouth when vegetables are around. Ke$ha wants to make sure that the only STDs out there are the ones that come out of her mouth in the form of “musical notes.” Ke$ha cares!

TMZ reports that Ke$ha and LifeStyles have joined together to make 10,000 condoms with her face on the wrappers. Ke$ha will shoot them out into the audience at her shows starting this Monday.

In all seriousness, this is good for all of us. Ke$ha’s kum katching kondoms (let’s call them Kum$has) will keep her fans from spawning. And those poor souls who were dragged to her show by a ho who doesn’t know better can use Ke$ha’s condoms to cover their ears with. A win all around! Kudo$ to Ke$ha!

Mi Vida Caca

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

And for Lady Caca’s next trick, she’ll show up in Toronto looking like the outcast cholita sister of GLOW’s Hollywood & Vine named Echo Park Avenue. Bitch is giving us “hooker chola wrestler” and I’m confused as to what my emotions are telling me. The half of RiRi’s old bowl cut that’s hanging over Caca’s forehead is bringing out a certain Amy Wino-ness in her face that I’ve never noticed before. Again, this confuses me.

But the only thing I do know for sure is if that Caca wants to earn the chola name of “La Tuck Girl,” she’s going to have to be jumped in. Chola glamour don’t come free. So cholas of L.A., Vaseline up your face, stick those razors in your hair, cue the Debbie Deb and do this!

Charlie Sheen Is Down One Goddess (UPDATE: She’s Back)

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

If you’re a teenage blonde porn star who isn’t allergic to cats, can’t pronounce the word “losing” and have the tolerance of a methadone clinic worker when it comes to crazed rants, Charlie Sheen has just the position for you! The “es” from “goddesses” has quit this bitch now that Bree Olson (government name: Rachel Marie Oberlin) has become a refuge goddess by fleeing from Charlie’s octagon for saner pastures. Charlie didn’t give say what was on Bree’s resignation letter, but I’m guessing she realized that being a crack whore is a lot more fun than being a member of the warlock harem. I mean, a bitch can only take so much “winning” before she starts to lose.it. Duh buh bye.

Charlie’s mission to win the world with his non-existent superhero powers will continue on without Goddess Bree! Charlie tells Access Hollywood that he’s going to join forces with Sean Penn and bring his aftershock of crack damaged fuckery to Haiti very soon. Charlie said, “We’re going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we’re heading down [to Haiti]. I’m excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting!

Instead of echoing the voices of the Haitian people by screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”, Sean Penn tells UsWeekly that there’s a seat on his tugboat with Charlie’s name on it (technically, one of Sean’s workers carved “fucknut” into the seat during a break, but it works)! Sean fully embraces Charlie into his group of saviors, “I think his energies, intelligence and passion could be both of service and servicing to him, as it is to all who are touched by the struggle of the Haitian people. Charlie is one of the very few public people who cannot be accused of using the media to his own benefit. I would very much like to show my old friend the world of needs on the ground in Haiti, and introduce him and his tremendous wit to our hard working Haitian staff. If he chooses to give support, I’ll trust it.”

What Sean really means by that is that Charlie’s goddess can smuggle in enough bad shit for all of them in her chocha.

You know, at first I was like, “They’ve been through eeeeeenooooough!!!!!” And then I thought about it for a second and was like, “No really, they’ve been through eeeeeenough!!!” But this is never going to happen. Haiti has a strict law that all creatures with feline blood in their veins must be quarantined for at least 6 months (give or take, a few decades) before being allowed to the country. And the Charlie Sheen drug is strictly prohibited. So Charlie can unpack his mercury surfboard’s trunk full of cigarettes, because he’s not going.

Wait, unless Charlie meant HADES instead of Haiti? If that’s the case, forget everything I said and carry on.

UPDATE: Well, that lasted about as long as a hit of crack (hmmm). Rip up your application, because Bree Olson is a goddess again.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 5, 2011 / Posted by:

The Chinese Cleavage Clamp – When we’re all chipping away in the trenches together in the near future, we can look back at this 5-minute long infomercial and sadly weep soil-stained tears about how we should’ve seen it coming. This is really how the Chinese is really going to overtake the world and enslave us all. WITH CHICHIS! They don’t need guns, tasers or the air from Chuck Norris’ swift kick to paralyze us. They will stun our ears with high-pitched squawks and then turn our eyes into hypnotic swirls with their drawstring titties! Bow down to our Chinese cleavage clamp overlords.

If I dropped Google Translate over this mesmerizing work of boob art, the subtitles would probably read: “Surrender, America. You are powerless against cleavage making sound effects.” It’s true.

Does your discount corset from the JcPenney intimates section magically pull your belly fat cells up to your chest with just the cinch of a string and the melodic sound of a robot farting? Nope! BOOBZILLA, we surrender!

via Buzzfeed

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