Afternoon Crumbs

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

Is this the real Brandi Glanville or did LeAnn Rimes finally get that Brandi Glanville skinmask permanently attached to her face? – Hollywood Tuna

Oh shit, Ryan Reynolds and Charlize Theron are already sort of matching – Lainey Gossip

CORRECTION: Wonky McValtrex really said that she was disappointed Dan Harris didn’t “rambush” her – The Superficial

Vintage AdeleTowleroad

But more importantly, why didn’t THE QUEEN bring her pocketbook?! THE QUEEN brings her pocketbook to the toilet and yet she doesn’t have it in these pictures? This is obviously a decoy QUEEN – Popsugar

Jared Leto, is that a bread dick in your bag or are you just… – Hollywood Rag

James Franco is now free to date his true love: an anime body pillow – Just Jared

I can almost see the hand of Elvis’ ghost floating up Spaz de la Huerta’s outdoor nightgown – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Kate Beckinsale and Rachel McAdams are fighting over Michael SheenCelebitchy

Spider nonsense – Cityrag

Do hos really think Lindsay Lohan paid for those $1100 shoes? Suckers. – ICYDK

Jamie Kennedy needs to fuck off, because this makes me miss the genius of Dollhouse DudeI’m Not Obsessed

Mila Kunis wants you to know her ass did about 0% of its own flashing in that Friends with Benefits movie – Celebslam

Please tell your mom that it’s not that serious – Videogum

Don’t you just want to miniaturize them even more and stick ’em to the top of your dashboard – The Berry

THAT COUCH – The Daily What

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

Which chatty TV personality’s boyfriend was so broke that he sold fried turkeys out of his home for Thanksgiving and Christmas in order to pay for an engagement ring? It worked – she said yes! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Sherri Shepherd? But I can’t hate on a dude peddling homemade fried turkey on the street so that he begin a kiss with Kay. It’s way better than a deep fried turkey (Kim Kardashian) buying her own engagement ring and trying to act like her fiance put his credit card down for that mess.

Which legendary athlete and his D-list actress wife are worried sick about their daughter’s risky behavior as she navigates the Hollywood party scene? The gorgeous 20-something, who’s also a budding actress, is boozing and sleeping her way around town. (Blind Gossip)

The only legendary athlete in my mind is Tina Ferrari from Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, so I couldn’t push out a guess for this one. But when your 20-something moves to Hollywood, don’t you sort of expect them to booze and bone their way through town? Some parents (White Oprah) might even be disappointed if they didn’t.

It is one thing to be stepping out with someone other than your girlfriend of many years, but when you do so with her assistant, that is another thing entirely. Oh, I guess I should identify the participants. Well, for one they were both way bigger a few years ago. The guy used to be an A list singer and rapper. Now? B- on a good day. His significant other? She used to be B back in the day, but now is probably just remembered because her name is easy to remember. Oh, and this will be revealed. (CDAN)

Diddy and Cassie?

Which B list actor from a hit cable show who has a bigger ego than brain was telling someone he thought was an actress how he had seen her work and thought she was great and they should go to his hotel room and he could give her some help and advice on her acting career. Turns out it was one of the women from the US Soccer team. Instead of giving up, our actor started saying how she could be an actress and they should go to his hotel room and he could give her some advice. (CDAN)

I’d like to be different and say this is Danny DeVito, but when a blind item reeks of canned hair and mercury-scented Summer’s Eve you can’t ignore that its answer is probably Jeremy Piven.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Empress Of Lucite

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

Twenty five minutes after this picture of the Empress of Lucite mounting her slave boy’s scooter was taken, a delicate pop followed by a celestial hum that sounded almost like cherubs blowing into crystal conch shells passed through Miami. Most thought it was just one of Celine Dion’s twins burping and cooing again. The sound actually came from a group of firemen prying Shauna Sand’s suction cup flower off of the seat. Those of you who wish to show your gratitude to Shauna for giving you the sensation of heaven whispering into your ears can do so by donating a pair of exquisite lucite heels to a needy stripper. It’s what The Empress wants.

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Lake Michigan Will Declare A “No Bikinis Allowed” Rule In 3..2..

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

The one time I visited Chicago was in the ice cold dead of winter and this was long before I moved to New York, so I really didn’t know what it felt like to get hypothermia up in my anus. My saliva froze to my teef, my genitals crawled up into my body for hibernation (come to think of it, they’ve never come back) and I had to learn how to breathe through my ears since white snow cubes blocked my nostrils and I looked like I had just nose fucked a snowman’s asshole. During my two week visit, there was one day where the temperature reached above -10 and hos stripped off their North Face down comforter body cocoons like they were at Hedonism in Jamaica. Nobody makes a fur coat over a bikini top look especially exquisite like a Chicago native.

Well, Chicagoans might not get excited for a little heat now that YOU KNOW WHO is moving there part-time while her bought-and-paid for husband shoots The Playboy Club. When LeAnn Rimes isn’t throwing a side-squint at any trick slut who gets close to her bitch, she’s going to be flaunting her gross bikini no-body all over the place. LeAnn Tweeted this (via UsWeekly):

Boxes are a go for Chicago! Very excited for our new adventure! Lots of flying back & forth, but well worth it! Beyond proud of my husband.

Three sets of toiletries, three sets of clothes. Starting Thursday, our time is split between L.A., Chicago and the world! I’m ready! All great things!

Truth is, the people of Chicago shouldn’t only be worried during warm days. They should always be worried. The weather will not stop LeAnn from showing off her emaciated silicone lizard body. Bitch is famewhore-blooded and has a suitcase full of battery-powered heating pad bikinis. You’ve been warned.

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Are Times Really That Tough For Natalie Cole?

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

On last night’s season finale of The Real Horseflies of New York City, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps threw a party on a boat to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of dating her boyfriend Dahveed Schwimmière. LuAnn throwing herself a fancy party for her 1 year dating anniversary is one kind of confusion, but Natalie Cole agreeing to sing at that mess is another. Earlier in the episode, Natalie magically ran into LuAnn at a recording studio and agreed to sing a duet with her at the party. This crap put the du(du) in duet.

If you crawled into Nat King Cole’s grave, opened his coffin and gave his skeleton mouth to mouth bones, the sound that comes out of him would sound a million times better than what came out of LuAnn’s last night.

I never saw Natalie shake her head and make a “so it’s come to this” face, but I did it for her. I’m surprised that Natalie Cole singing a duet with The Cuntness didn’t make Hell freeze over and send an icy glacier up through the Hudson to break that boat in two.

L is for the way my ears leak blood….

The Holy Child Army Goes To The Movies

July 22, 2011 / Posted by:

As invisible prison bars surrounded them, Angie Jo, Shiloh Two, Shiloh Three, Maddox, Pax and Zahara caused a lukewarm commotion when they left a movie theater in London after watching Harry Potter. Yes, the living saints actually sat in a theater where regular people who don’t piss out blessed holy water go. But don’t worry, nobody was wished into Aniston’s Cabbage Patch Doll collection after throwing Maddox an around-the-shoulder bitch eye when he kicked their seat. The holy family had the theater all to themselves. But still. Isn’t Brangelina the most powerful entity on every face of this planet? Couldn’t they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap! I guess that wasn’t an option at their private prison’s commissary.

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