I’ve eaten a lot of processed food and smoked a lot of stuff in my days, but I’ve never ever considered joining the Glenn Beck For 2012 Initiative UNTIL NOW! The darker La Toya Jackson has convinced me to do so thanks to:
1. The Bermuda hat which was purchased on a drunken whim at a gift shop on Royal Caribbean’s private island.
2. The strangely manicured wild brows that are growing long just so they can snatch a pair of tweezers from the bathroom cabinet and pluck themselves off her face.
3. The lip liner.
4. The lip liner.
5. The lip liner.
Get me a Wet ‘N Wild lip wand in Hanky Pinky and tell me where to sign!
The love story of our time continues! Radar Online has brought us the third chapter in Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Rant” series! This one is filled with so much romantic poetry that I’m sure brides and grooms will be slow dancing to it at their wedding for centuries to come!
If you don’t feel like getting the cockles of your heart softly stroked by Mel Gibson’s soothing voice, then here’s a few quotes for you. Oksana Grigorieva gets a little more audio time in this tape:
Mel: “I will fire Concepcion (Ed Note: I made that name up, but I really hope her name is Concepcion) if she’s at your house. I will make it known and fire her. I’ll report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks! Okay?
Mel: “You fucking ignorant bitch! I don’t understand you. You’re saying stupid shit! How dare you fucking even insult me with some of the stupid reasoning you have. Your logic sucks because you’re a fucking mentally deprived idiot!”
OctoSana: “You made me moneyless. I used to have hundred thousand dollars a year when you met me. You took me, you possessed me. Everything I am you own me with my liver and my kidneys and my thoughts and my soul. Everything! My career, or whatever it is. Pathetic career. Whatever it is, it’s yours. You control me like marionette. I don’t belong to myself, only to you. I can’t do anything and I walk on eggshells always with you!”
Mel: “That’s because you are a fucking using whore. I OWN YOU!”
Mel: “You probably fucked (name snatched out)! You know you did!
OctoSana: “Wow. I swear in front of God that I did not.”
Mel: “Fuck an ugly man! You don’t give a fuck as long as they pay your fucking rent!”
OctoSana: “The baby is crying. I have to go.”
Mel: “Go look after my child!”
OctoSana: “She’s my child too.”
Mel: “Yeah unfortunately, you cunt whore! I hope she doesn’t turn out like you.”
You can come back to this tape whenever you need inspiration on what to write in a Valentine’s or Mother’s Day card.
At this point, Mel Gibson probably can’t even land the title role in a community theater production of MEIN KUNT: The Mel Gibson Story, so he should try out an entirely different career.
With a voice like his, he should record alarms for Brinks. Even the hardest thief wouldn’t continue to crawl through a window after hearing Mel scream at them, “YOU BETTER BLOW ME BEFORE YOU STEAL FROM ME, YOU GOLD DIGGING CUNT WHORE!” or “I WILL BURY YOU IN THE ROSE GARDEN IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP, YOU COMMON SLUT!”
Anderson Cooper must have turned down Tommy Girl’s invitation to personally audit mah boo’s asshole with his tongue, because Scientology is now madder than Suri Cruise when you tell her ass “NO!”.
As some of you may know, Mah Boo has put his giggle at risk by investigating Scientology on his show for the past few years. L. Ron Hubbard’s disciples have gone after Mah Boo before for fucking with them, but now they are going in for the kill (Please don’t kill Mah Boo, alien people).
Gawker reports that Scientology has published an entire magazine about Mah Boo’s lies. Scientologists handed free copies out in front of CNN’s offices in NYC yesterday afternoon. That mess is online, but Gawker was kind enough to post the highlights for those who don’t feel like getting their IP address filed into Xenu’s cabinet.
He (Mah Boo) only talked to “Anti-Scientology apostates,” who’d been kicked out for bad things—including sex!
* Nobody even watches his stupid show any more (because it sucks).
* AC was a prima donna and kept putting ridiculous demands on Scientology, including once canceling and interview due to an “inner ear bug.” Of gayness?
* Scientologists prove that they saw a Harper’s Index at least once.
* Here is a picture of Anderson Cooper dressed up as a Joker (which is what he is).
* Anderson Cooper loves terrorists.
* “Larry King was the only CNN host qualified to interview the Scientology leader.” Haha.
And I think the picture they used of Mah Boo was taken right after Tommy flashed his hongray Scientolohole at him.
When a crazed Twitard broke into The Sun’s offices and published a bullshit story about Robert Pattinson being the frontrunner to play Kurt Cobain in a Nirvana biopic, Courtney Love responded by saying that he’s the wrong bitch for the role. The Daily Mirror asked RPattz about this and his sparkles turned to hot smoke. Bitch got mad and pulled out his shank (aka a Twidildo that has been whittled down by a Twitard with a vagina that don’t quit).
“Sometimes these things just appear. I love Nirvana, but I love them a bit too much – I’d be embarrassed. And you see all these comments, like from Courtney Love, saying ’What the fuck! He’s totally wrong for it’, and I’m like, ’I fucking said no, you dick!’ I didn’t get offered it. For one thing, I’m too tall, and I can’t sing like him, I’m nothing like him!’ It’s ridiculous.”
Is there room in the next Twilight movie for a deranged hyena woman with mange who lives under the school bleachers and attacks vampires by forcing them to read her Twitter rants? Because a Courtney Love/RPattz battle needs to be documented in HD!
But seriously, RPattz needs to show the seasoned crackie some respect! Courtney has had the sparkles for much longer than RPattz. Yes, she first got her sparkles from passing out face first into a pile of cocaine, but still!
Remember that very special episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse picked up a 17-year-old girl in a club, brought her back to his attic and then tried to get her coked up before offering to lick her cooch? Then Stephanie Tanner walked in on them and screamed “HOW RUDE”? Later, Danny had to sit Stephanie down and explain to her that sometimes when a grown man falls in love with a teenager, he shows that he cares by giving her illegal substances and offers of cunnilingus (laugh track goes here). Remember that? I’m sure your nana has that episode recorded on a VHS tape somewhere.
Well, the Associated Press is reporting that a woman is claiming that this mess actually happened in a hotel room in Florida back in 2004. The woman and a dude are on trial in Michigan for allegedly attempting to extort $680,000 out of John Stamos in exchange for pictures of him doing coke with a bunch of strippers. HAVE MERCY!
Allison Coss claims that when she was a 17-year-old high school student, she met John at a club in Orlando while she was on spring break. Even though Allison told John she was only 17, he still bought her a cocktail and invited her and one of her friends back to his hotel room. Allison claims that shortly after they got to his room, a couple of strippers showed up with a bag of the bad shit. Allison watched John do a few lines with the pussy peddlers. After that, John and Allison made out on the bed for a bit before getting into the hot tub. John got fully nekkid and asked if he could suck on Allison’s illegal vagina. Allison turned John down, which caused him to jump out of the hot tub and break off a bedpost in frustration (that’s not a euphemism). John apologized to Allison and asked her to stay the night, which she did.
For the next few years, Allison and John flirted with each other through e-mails. John then began to receive a series of emails from Allison (pretending to be someone else) threatening to sell a bunch of compromising pictures of him to the tabloids if he doesn’t pay up. John contacted the FBI who confirmed that the emails came from Allison and a dude named Scott Sippola. They were both charged with extortion and the trial is going down right now. John is expected to testify.
The FBI says they never found proof that pictures of John with the strippers existed. John also denies the entire story and says it is made of lies. Basically, it sounds like Allison’s extortion plan crashed into the Tanner family kitchen.
I don’t have a vagina (check my file at the free clinic if you don’t believe me), but if Uncle Jesse offered to eat it, I’d tuck my shit tighter than Gaga at the gynecologist. And more importantly, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all of this?! She was one of the strippers Uncle Jesse did a line off, right?
As you can tell from the giant party countdown clock hanging over your cubicle, Lindsay Lohan is just a few days away from her greatest role yet: jail bitch. So since LiLo will be out of commission for a few days (or weeks), someone has to keep the paparazzi industry going by posing like a complete dick hole in the passenger seat of a car. And that someone is going to be White Oprah! White Oprah will make sure that the Lohan family face stays on top as the leading famewhores on the stroll!
White Oprah assumed her duties last night at an In-N-Out in Hollywood. Yes, White Oprah at In-N-Out! Just soap up a burger patty with the blood from my bleeding heart and serve it to White Oprah RAW! This hurts more than the time In-N-Out University rejected my admission application.
Now, In-N-Out occasionally lets me through their front door, so I realize that they aren’t the pickiest fast food whore in the game, but WHITE OPRAH! That is LOW(han)!
In-N-Out just proved to me that they will spread their animal sauce on the tongue of any john who slips a ten dollar bill into their red and white garter belt! And I better not find out that White Oprah has a limited-edition In-N-Out VIP black card (with gold palm trees on it) in her possession! If she does, In-N-Out will be DEAD to me! I will cuddle up with that slut Wendy instead!
No, I don’t mean that. INO just needs to lie to me if White Oprah is one of their VIP customers. Lie to me, INO, I promise I”ll believe…liiiiiie to me…but pleeeeeeaaaaseeee don’t…. FUCK! Do you see what seeing White Oprah at INO is doing to me? It’s got me quoting Sheryl fucking Crow!