You Did It, Miami!

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Bombshell McGee was supposed to start her “Nazi Sluts Do It Better” club tour in Miami next week, but the venue has canceled that shit after receiving a bunch of complaints. Your Jewish nana from Boca has done good!

The operating officer at LIV, the venue for Bombshit’s party, did the Kanye shrug and claimed they didn’t know she liked to do herself with Swastika dildos:

We didn’t know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night…

LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming.”

Miami is already being violated by the new breed of pussy parasites the Jersey Shore whores brought to their city, so enough is enough!

Bombshell will now open her tour at the KKK’s annual family picnic.

via Music Rooms

Matthew Fox On Giving Up His V-Card

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

This picture has nothing to do with this story (or does it?), but I figured it would go well with your fanfiction about Jack and Sawyer partaking in a little angry make up sex on a polar bear rug down in the hatch while the smoke monster faps away in the corner.

In an interview with Playboy (via UsWeekly), Matthew Fox gave up the details on how he first gave it up to a girl. Here’s Matthew spilling the pre-teen jizz:

I was 12. She was about two years older than me. It wasn’t her first time. I can actually see the event in my mind’s eye, like photographs. It was in Dubois, Wyoming, where the population sign probably says, to this day, about 1,000. It happened literally on the ground by a river while a rodeo was going on in town. It was absolutely terrible and awkward–just two fucking kids lying down and pulling our pants down.”

Everybody who grew up in Wyoming probably lost their virginity on the ground by a river, so Matthew shouldn’t feel so special. What’s most surprising about any of this is that Matthew was a 12-year-old boy once upon a time! There’s certain people that I can never picture as a child, and Matthew is one of them. I’m convinced that he came out of his mother’s vag as the oldest Salinger brother who later became an alcoholic doctor who frowns a lot and has a permanent case of hair shadow on his face.

And Matthew should go through those mind photographs again, because I bet you that Jacob is in at least one of those pictures. Creepy fuck! That ho is like a Tiger Woods mistress. He’s eeeeeeverywhere!

Charlie Sheen Is A Master Of Disguise

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

InTouch Weekly is the Joey Greco of tabloids! They broke open the Vanilla Gorilla saga, and now they are going after Charlie Sheen. Yeah, I don’t think anybody in this universe or beyond will feel one ounce of shock while reading about Charlie Sheen’s down low fuck times with chicks who aren’t his wife. It’s like reading about how I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and started bawling at the state of everything. It goes without saying! A more shocking InTouch headline would be, “Charlie Sheen: Sober, Faithful & Not Acting Like A Total Asshole“.

InTouch claims that Charlie has been passing his used and abused peen to a lingerie model/escort named Angelina Tracy. A source says that Angelina’s vagina goes for $3,000 an hour on the ho stroll, but it’s not known if Charlie is paying her in cash. The two have seen each other several times even when Charlie was in rehab. The source added that Charlie has given Angelina several gifts and shit.

On April 7th, photographers caught Charlie leaving Angelina’s house wearing a broke down, busted up disguise. The photographer said, “He ran down to his car. It seemed like he wanted to leave as quickly as possible.” Yes, Charlie is fooling everyone. Charlie isn’t having an affair with Angelina Tracy! Unabomber Colin Farrell is!

Meanwhile, a friend of Brooke Mueller claims that Charlie has been telling his wife that he’s a changed man. Apparently, Brooke thinks that everything is candy canes and sunshine, “He is seeing Brooke and the kids a lot and is good about continuing treatment. He has been sweet to Brooke, and promises her that he’s changed.”

Brooke must still be nose fucking that narcotic if she truly believes that Charlie is keeping his dick to himself. If Jesus Christ, Dr. Drew and Kid Preacher all put their hands on Charlie and tried to rebuke the whore out of him, he would still be snorting a line off of a call girl’s ass cheek the next day!

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 13th!

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

In response to the ongoing criticism, the Vatican unveils their new mandatory alter boy wardrobe – phungi

Runners-up:

Lindsay is looking like herself, all doe-eyed and covered in coke. – heathie

The real reason they wouldn’t let Rudolph play any reindeer games. – Sweetas

The perfect scapegoat for Jesse James: While banging Bombshell, put on a deer head before Sandra walks in to trick her into thinking that you’re just a typical house broken animal and just going on a wad of newspaper. – cs182

via Picture is Unrelated

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Hevisaurus, a kiddie metal dinosaur band from Finland!

If the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles broke into RiRi’s costume closet and dyed a few of Brit Brit’s old ratty tattered weaves before putting them on their heads, they would look just like Hevisaurus! Hevisaurus is a metal band just for kids, and the chirruns are going crazy for them over in Finland! It’s not uncommon to see toddlers ripping heads off of doves or moshing for their 3-year-old lives at a Hevisaurus show!

Below is a clip of Hevisaurus in action. Yes, they call this shit metal, but it sounds more like if Journey and Kiss collaborated on a theme song for a Nickelodeon movie.

And don’t ask me what’s the story with those bananas. I mean, we’re watching grown men in dino costumes rocking out in front of toddlers. There’s more important things to worry about.

(For Jen)

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Birthday Sluts

April 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Adrien Brody (37)
Abigail Breslin (14)
Sarah Michelle Gellar (33)
Da Brat (36)
Anthony Michael Hall (42)
Robert Carlyle (49)
Brad Garrett (50)
Lothaire Bluteau (53)
Julie Christie (69)
Loretta Lynn (76)

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