Nice Try, Zac!

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

I refuse to believe that Zac Efron can naturally grow a trail of follicles over his lip. Have you ever seen a unicorn with a moustache? EXACTLY! So my guess is that while his personal bikini waxer was shaping his pubes into a heart, he asked her to save him a piece. And that piece ended up over his lip to butch up his look for last night’s Teen Choice Awards.

Zac shouldn’t even bother with those tricks, because he will always be the prettiest fairytale princess in Disney’s kingdom no matter what! Looking like Sasquatch scooted over his upper lip isn’t going to change that! Don’t try to Victor/Victoria our asses, Zac!

The same thing goes for that nail polish. Zac probably thought blue chipped nail polish would make him look edgy, dirty and rough and shit. Yeah, no. We all know that once Zac slipped into the comfort of his crystal carriage for the ride home, he pulled out a bottle of nail polish (in shade: unicorn semen) and furiously touched that shit up. Truth.

And in other purdy Zac news, he recently told Details Magazine about how Tommy Girl asked him to come over to ride bikes. Let’s say all together now: TOO FUCKING EASY.

“You ride motorcycles?” Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn’t. “You wanna learn how?” Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes–including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike. “He made so many great movies,” Efron says of Cruise. “I get the feeling that he works really, really hard. It didn’t come from swagger with him. It came from dedication, hard work. You see it in the way he physicalizes everything. You watch The Last Samurai and that’s him! He’s really doing that.” I ask Efron why he supposes Cruise bothered reaching out to him. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t even want to know. It’s just so cool that he gave a shit, the fact that he cared at all. No one else did that.”

Zac is not only more beautiful than a bubble sitting on a rose petal, but he’s naive too. He really has no idea why Tommy Girl invited him over for playtime? Zac didn’t get the hint when Tommy Girl skipped out wearing nothing but a fake Harley tattoo on his ass cheek and two rearview mirrors strapped to his shoulders? And a light bulb still didn’t go on over Zac’s precious head when Tommy screamed, “Make this bitch rooooar”? Oh, Zac….

Here’s a few pictures of Zac with fellow princess Chace Crawford and David Archuleta backstage at the Teen Choice Awards last night. These pictures look like the beginning of a Sean Cody porn.

Justin Bieber Gets A Water Bottle To The Head

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Now I don’t condone child or beaver abuse, but this clip of Justin Bieber getting whooped in the head with a water bottle right after telling the audience he loved them (HAHAHAHA) is the reason why we all open our browsers every damn morning.

During a concert for a radio station, some girl (who obviously has been practicing for this in her parent’s backyard all week) perfectly threw a water bottle like a champ at the Lesbeaver’s head. That girl might have forced him into an early puberty.

But seriously, Justin should be prepared for shit like this. Just one airy flip from his magical locks would’ve sent that water bottle flying right past him. Come on, Justin! Use that golden helmet of wondrous dreams to your advantage!

Obviously, Justin needs to take private dodgeball lessons from Dubya.

via Buzzfeed

Ass To Ass! Ass To Ass!

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

At last night’s Teen Choice Awards (aka the only awards show Roman Polanski Tivos), Sandra Bullock and the queen of the world Betty White performed a G-rated version of Jennifer Connelly’s ass to ass scene from Requiem for a Dream for all the chirruns in the audience. No, but that’s immediately where my gutter brain went when I first saw this picture. Sandra and Betty bumped nalgas on stage after winning some stupid award for Best Dance.

I bet Betty doesn’t even know what she won for. Betty gets an award for burping in the morning, so she just threw that stupid surfboard shit into the warehouse with her other accolades and went back to sitting on her throne.

You know who else was there last night? Not drinking during the daytime is doing wonders for Snooki, because bitch looked all kinds of beautiful last night:

Mia Farrow Is One Brave Bitch

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Mia Farrow has probably licked on Woody Allen’s crotch worm with all the lights on, so obviously she’s been through some scary shit in her life. But nothing can prepare her for the wrath Naomi Campbell is going to bring upon her when she finds out about this! Rosemary’s baby ain’t got shit on Naomi!

Last week, Naomi the Terrible answered questions at the war crimes trial of former Liberian leader Charles Taylor about the night two men gave her a bunch of blood diamonds at Nelson Mandela’s house. Naomi testified that at first she didn’t know the “dirty looking stones” came from Charles Taylor. Naomi said she didn’t learn this bit of info until she had breakfast with Mia Farrow and other guests the next morning. But BITCH BAM BOOM, Mia Farrow testified at The Hague today that Naomi is the one who told her the diamonds came from Charles Taylor.

Mia better crawl into a bath tub full of holy water, because when you call out Naomi Campbell, you call out THE DEVIL! From ABC News:

Farrow testified that Campbell knew exactly who sent her diamonds after the dinner.

Farrow told the court what happened at breakfast the next morning: “[Campbell] was quite excited and she said last night I was awakened by someone knocking at the door. They were men sent from Charles Taylor and they gave me a huge diamond!”

Campbell testified Aug. 5th that at breakfast, Farrow told her the gift must have been from Taylor because no one else at the dinner could have given her uncut diamonds.

“Did you tell Naomi Campbell that the diamond or diamonds came from Charles Taylor?” Prosecutor Nick Koumjian asked Farrow on the stand today. “Absolutely not. Naomi said they came from Charles Taylor,” Farrow replied.

AND Naomi’s former agent Carole White also testified that the Cuntress of England (sorry, Heather Mills) knew the diamonds came from Charles Taylor.

ABC News added that if one is convicted of LYING ASS LYING to the Special Court for Sierra Leone, they can face up to two years in the clink.

On another note, do you think Naomi Campbell wishes she was famous in the early 80s rather than now? I mean, Blackberries are getting lighter and smaller. That has to be a problem for her evil ass. Imagine the damage Naomi can do with a big brick phone. Naomi is probably dreaming of this right now while writing in her journal about all the ways she’s going to torture Mia, thankyouverymuch.


Rod Stewart’s Sperm Just Won’t Quit!

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Kimbo and Sean Stewart will soon have a new sibling to train on how to carry on the family name by being a drunk useless mess whose one skill is how to neatly snort a line of the bad shit off of a toilet seat while holding the stall door (Actually, that really is a good skill to have). Because Rod Stewart has done it again! Rod Stewart announced that his jizz fishes still know how to charm an ovary after all these years. Yes, his jizz fishes have to stop for directions and re-charge their Segways along the way, but they still get the job done!

65-year-old Rod and his 39-year-old wife Penny Lancaster released this statement to People:

“We were thrilled and delighted to be able to tell Alastair that he was going to be the big brother to a little baby, expected just before Mummy’s 40th birthday.”

This kid will be Rod’s 7th and Penny’s 2nd. Yes, Rod Stewart will probably interrupt his new kid’s high school graduation by loudly opening up plastic candies in the audience, but who cares! Any man who has ever looked like this can has as many chirruns as he wants for as long as he wants!

Penny will just have to buy an extra tube of diaper cream at the store. That’s all!

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