Some questioned whether it was a good idea to invite the proctology department to put their float in the parade – P.T.Bull
Attempting to titty fuck Aretha Franklin may result in loss of wiener – atlantapug
via Eat Liver
Kirsten Stiff Walker and her dog Princess Lola!
Stiff Walker is a Sarasota, FL celebrity who has starred on TV in American Princess and Bridezilla. When Stiff Walker is not taking basic cable by storm, she’s designing tutus for dogs. And I should just stop right there. A Sarasota celebrity named Mrs. Stiff Walker who is also a dog tutu entrepreneur? That’s all I need to know. Tip me over and pour me out. But if you need more, here’s the infomercial for Princess Lola’s Tutus. I would get one for my dog, but he’s already fancy and tangy enough. And he would probably piss on my head while I was sleeping (again).
Grace Jones (62)
Lily Cole (22)
Eric Lloyd (24)
Rebecca Hall (28)
Kim Zolciak (32)
Gail Simmons (34)
Amanda De Cadenet (38)
Jenny Berggren (38)
Polly Walker (44)
Dusty Hill (61)
Pete Townshend (65)
Peter Mayhew (66)
Nora Ephron (69)
Nancy Kwan (71)
If you’re ever forced to pose in a photo call in Cannes (which happens often, I’m sure), make sure actor Lambert Wilson is with you, because he’ll turn it into a pleasurable experience by making your no-no scream “yes yes” before sticking his mouth on the face of anybody who isn’t holding a camera. Actually, this is France so technically Lambert would make your non-non scream “oui oui.” Um. That sounds like a potty training exercise for toddlers, so let’s just forget about that and keep walking…
Anyways, somebody’s got to initiate a G-rated threesome in France and since Gerard Butler doesn’t have a movie to promote Lambert Wilson is just the manslut for the job. Here’s Lambert with his Of Gods and Men co-star Sabrina Ouazani and the director Xavier Beauvois in Cannes today. How long before Jennifer Aniston signs Lambert to her next movie? On second thought, how long before Gerard Butler signs Lambert to his next movie? Ass ticklers need to stink (on purpose typo) together.
Star Magazine is swearing that 47-year-old Kelly Preston is 3 months pregnant and the father is her husband John Travolta. Don’t look at me. I don’t know how it happened either, but I’m sure it involved Tommy Girl doing the Scientology fertility dance (aka the opening number to Xanadu) in a white feathered thong with L. Ron Hubbard’s face on the crotch while Kirstie Alley ate Oreo Cakesters in the corner. Kiristie didn’t have to be there, but she heard it was going to be catered so….
Anyway, we don’t need to know the rest of the details. We don’t need to board that spaceship. Speaking of spaceships…
The source tells Star that Kelly and John are over the you know what: “Kelly is about three months pregnant. Both she and John are absolutely over the moon — they knew in their hearts that the time was right for this to happen.”
John and Kelly probably LITERALLY went over the moon so that Xenu could high-five their asses and pass them a basket of barley water and bottles to last the baby at least 20 years. Suri Cruise will teach the Travolta baby how to pull off the “still drinking out of a bottle at the age 4″ look.
The Travoltas have had a shit couple of years with their son dying last year, and then their dog friends passing away last week, so congratulations to them if this is true. Nanu nanu.
UPDATE: It’s true. The Travolta family issued this statement of words to People:
“It’s impossible to keep a secret … especially one as wonderful as this. We want to be the first to share this great news with everyone that we are expecting a new addition to our family.
Love, John, Kelly and Ella“
Vanessa Williams can now vacate her place in the unemployment and pass the baton over to Jennifer Love Hewitt and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, because they are out of a job today. It’s a shit day for hos with three names.
TV Guide reports that Vanessa Williams will be shooting bootleg Botox into her forehead with Teri Snatcher behind the trailers on the set of Desperate Housewives, because she’s joining the cast full time next season. There’s no info on who she’s going to play, but let’s hope there’s at least one scene where she gets to slappity slap slap Eva Longoria. Or a scene where she gets to slap Eva Longoria’s brats on that show. Ugh. Those brats.
As for Jennifer Love Hewitt and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, CBS flushed both of their shows down the toilet this morning. But Entertainment Weekly says that ABC co-owns The Ghost Whisperer and The New Adventures of Old Christine, so there’s a chance they could move over there.
One of my friend’s memaws, who is like 876-years-old, is going to be devastated about The Ghost Whisperer. One time she spent at least an hour telling me all the ins and outs of that mess. Homegirl is hard for that shit. Although, she kept calling it The Ghost Talker, so maybe she won’t realize it’s dead for a few more months. Don’t tell her ass.
Here’s a list all the shows that have been put on a bus speeding towards the edge of a cliff. Even if you don’t watch any of that shit, you can still drink to their death tonight. Hey, it’s a reason.
R.I.P.: Defying Gravity, Flash Forward, Eastwick, Happy Town, The Deep End, The Forgotten, Three Rivers, 24, Dollhouse, Past Life, Heroes, Law & Order, Mercy, Trauma, Melrose Place, Ghost Whisperer, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Cold Case, Numb3rs, Accidentally on Purpose, Gary Unmarried, Romantically Challenged and Miami Medical.