OK, Lars Von Trier Is A Nazi!

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

I just watched a video of a Memphis Animal Services employee dump live puppies into a trash can without trying to find them homes, so whatever operates the emotion in my system labeled “offended” is completely out of power. Not that I’d be offended by Lars Von Trier’s words if I could. It’s hard to take the incoherent ramblings of a crazy person seriously (<— what most bitches say after reading this blog).

During a press conference at Cannes for his movie Melancholia, filmmaker Lars Von Trier let out a heavy stream of verbal diarrhea about Nazis, Israel, Hitler and…well…I’ll just let him take it from here.

“I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He’s not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I’m not for the Second World War, and I’m not against Jews. …

I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I’m a Nazi.”

Instead of saying he’s a Nazi, an easier way of getting out of that sentence would be to stick his foot further down his mouth until his toes stuck out of his ass. Then Lars wouldn’t have been able to say what he said next:

“I don’t have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don’t know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?”

The Associated Press says that at this point, one of Melancholia’s stars, Kiki Dunst, leaned over and told Lars that “this is terrible.” Kiki later told the press, “He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself in a deep hole today.

Yup, and lounging at the bottom of that hole is John Galliano, throwing Lars a seductive come hither look. One way to threaten Galliano with a good time is to declare that you’re a Nazi.

Here’s Lars Von Hitler with Kiki, Charlotte Gainsbourg and John Hurt at the Melancholia photo call yesterday.

Who The Hell Wasn’t At Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular Last Night?

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Jesus’ second début party was supposed to go down last night, but he rescheduled for a later date (not May 21st), because all of his guests opted to attend the most important event in the history of humanity instead. Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular took place at Chicago’s United Center last night and every single celebrity in the world lined up to take turns licking on her ass. The salad tossing record has been broken.

Even Madonna, who shit talked Oprah in Truth or Dare, was there. Will.i.am, Jackie Evancho, Usher, Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, Josh Groban, Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx all performed. Besides the names I’ve already dropped, the guest list included:

Will & Jada Pinkett Smith
Maria Shriver
Tom Hanks
Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie
Halle Berry
Queen Latifah
Dr. Phil & Dr. Oz
Simon Cowell
Jerry Seinfeld
Diane Sawyer
Michael Jordan
Dakota Fanning
Maya Angelou
Gayle King
Rosie O’Donnell

The Daily Mail says Diane Sawyer told Oprah that her show is like a growing life tree. After Diane Sawyer said that, Angel Katharine Hepburn made a mental note to tell Barbara Walters that she wants to change the answer to the “What kind of tree are you?” question from Oak Tree to a MIGHTY OPRAH TREE!

And for the grand finale of Oprah’s 2-part Farewell Spectacular……

Canons shot out 20,000 of Oprah’s cloned ovaries into the audience. YOU GET AN OPRAH! YOU GET AN OPRAH! AND YOU GET AN OPRAH! EVERYBODY GETS AN OPRAH!

This mess airs on May 23rd and May 24th.

The details of Oprah’s final show on May 25th haven’t been revealed. Oh, how I hope the final shot is Oprah shooting up in bed and saying to herself, “It was all a dream.” Then she’ll lay back down and throw her arm over a mysterious bed mate. Just as the camera zooms in, Gayle King will turn around and wink. The end!

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Janice Dickinson Is A Natural Goddess

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Today’s morning delight is brought to you by the goddess of mess herself Janice Dickinson and her triple stuffed Hershey Kiss cookie tits. Before you click on the NSFW (unless you work in the office of a plastic surgeon who specializes in wandering nipples) version of this glorious portrait, you should be warned that doing so might cause you to spend the better part of your day trying to figure out what Janice’s Tupperware bowl boobies remind you of.

One minute, they look like Homer Simpson throwing a single side-eye at Bart. The next minute, they look like Cookie Monster staring at a cookie dangling next to his head. Janice has the Rorschach test of tits. Rorschach tetes!

Clear your day (and your throat) and CLICK!

via WOW Report

This Latina Beauty Is Probably The Mother Of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn’t take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: “I’ll be bareback!” Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.

Radar’s sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena’s Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You’re Down Low Fucking You’re Boss!

During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.

Mildred’s MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted “GET TO THE CHOPPAH!“, I’d definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.

I’m sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won’t do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I’ve eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin’s backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she’d go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It’s like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 17th!

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

People will do anything to keep from listening to Ke$ha’s latest single. – WhiskeyTango

Runners-up:

♫Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Did you tattoo your forehead
Or put ten pierces in brow?
Did you put a silver barbell
In your lip and bulge your eyes out?
Do your ears! hang! low!? – angel_i

Some people like having an orgasm and nightmare simultaneously. – fosho

Why oh why did I click on the uncensored pics of Danielle’s Staub’s cooch??? – BBGemini

via Break

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

The Asian Pat Ayako Imoto who has become the breakout star of my inbox because of the brush strokes of mystery over her (???) eyes. Kirstie Alley thought that her new size 4 (HA! ) Thetan vessel was getting all of the attention, but little did she knew that out of the darkness came a curious creature in a red windbreaker that says “I wear the free stuff that’s in the gift bags of all the work-related conferences I go to“, a white turtleneck that says “2 for 1 at Land’s End, don’t hate” and eyebrows that say “?????????????

When I first saw those brows, the first thing I thought about is how questions marks are looking stranger and stranger by the day, because I have no idea what the hell is going on above Asian Pat’s eyes. It’s like a pair of Marv Albert’s toupees made a run for it, tripped into tar and then stumbled onto Asian Pat’s face. I have no idea and I’m not going to try to figure it out. I’m just going to stand back and resist the urge to scoop piles of white rice and crab meat onto those extra thick layers of seaweed over her eyes. Sushi brows!

via Daily Mail (Thanks to everybody and their dealers for sending this in. No, seriously, my dealer sent this in too.)

UPDATE: Thanks to Lindsey for identifying Asian Pat as Japanese TV star Ayako Imoto! Ayako and her tar stripe brows are icons in Japan! I should’ve known that Japan was behind this fantastical magnificence!

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