It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don’t try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don’t believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc…). You can’t break me!
Instead I’m going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she’s 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I’d still cuchi cuchi at her feet.
And here’s a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo’s feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.
And here you were thinking that the easiest way to get a topless Becks in front of you is to paste cholita brow stickers over your eyes and put a $10,000/a night price tag on your pussy. WRONG! Some asshole heckler at the L.A. Galaxy game showed us how it’s really done. While Becks was strolling to the locker room to moisturize (or something like that), some dick bag poked at him by screaming at him to stop with the whores. Becks stopped, turned and got in the dude’s face.
Becks’ voice is as threatening as a baby bird’s first chirp, but I still get the tingles seeing him with some fire in his hole. Look at him with his nipples puffed out and nostrils flaring like he’s going to do some shit. It’s true that if the heckler flinched at Becks, he would’ve ran off screaming out of fear that his purdy face would get a dent in it, but I’m trying not to think about that.
For once, Becks’ mind is not wondering what kind of exfoliation treatment he’s going to use on his skin that night (SPOILER ALERT: he used the ginger citrus sugar scrub).
Don’t mind George Clooney, he’s just snorting up her dandruff – Lainey Gossip
Motorboat Me Elmo – The Superficial
Raggedy Ann’s long-lost ads for control top Leggs – Hollywood Tuna
This is what it’s come to: the “cleaning the pool” photo op (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Kirstie Alley lost 50lbs of fat Thetans from her body thanks to a diet called Photoshop – Celebitchy
This teacher knows how to do it – The Chive
Snooki’s family does everything together, including getting a massage – OMG Blog
The broken condom baby of Heidi and a Keebler elf – Popoholic
A giant cunt in a sea of gays – Towleroad
It took me a few blinks to realize this is not Detective La Toya – Just Jared
Kim Kardassian already can’t feel her face, now she can’t feel her nipples thanks to that tighter than tight dress – Egotastic!
Zahara’s “You’re not getting my good angle” side-eye – Popsugar
Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey stopped having fun – I’m Not Obsessed
But where’s the Backinup Backinup Lady costume? – Buzzfeed
Roxy Baby should’ve tucked before the fight – Holy Moly!
Beyonce fucked my wallet and all I got was these House of Derriere tattoos – ICYDK
Rachel Bilson pulls the “Ooops, I dropped my purse” move – Hollywood Rag
Why is JLo posing with two plastic cats? – Cityrag
The owner of Segway dies after falling over a cliff…while riding a Segway – TDW
George Lopez and his wife of 17 years are no more. TMZ, the first stop for all celebrity divorce documents, says that George and Ann haven’t been sharing the same bed for a while and they’ve secretly been working on a settlement. They have a 15-year-old daughter, so they hope to keep things clean.
What’s there to discuss exactly? Ann just has to raise one of her perfectly painted brows (her originals brows were lost in her 5th chemical face peel) and demand the chonies off of George’s nalgas AND MORE. When George starts to throw a “but” at her, all she has to say it, “But I gave yo a kidney, motherfucker!” If that still doesn’t make George hand over the keys to his EVERYTHING, Ann can reload her gun and shoot, “And my kidney helped you fuck a leased whore! Allegedly.”
All other arguments are invalid. Ann wins.
You know where the best place is to pick out a juicy moco and nibble on it like it came from a bag of Rold Golds? Why in the middle of a TV news room during a live broadcast, of course! Actually, let me correct myself. That’s the second best place. The best place is in your car in the middle of a traffic jam with the windows rolled down. But my guess is that homegirl couldn’t wait that long to get a piece.
Grab your heart of the ocean rosary (I know you have one) and put on the instrumental version of “My Heart Will Go On“, because Oscar-nominated actress Gloria Stuart has sailed off to the first class cabin in the sky at the golden age of 100.
The Washington Post brings the sad news that Gloria passed away at her home in West L.A. yesterday. Gloria’s daughter Sylvia Thompson said that her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago.
Gloria is best known for making us all scream “THAT’S RENT MONEY!!!” when she threw the diamond necklace into the ocean in Titanic, but she has starred in over 40 movies since the 1930s including my favorite title Gold Diggers of 1935.
Rest in peace, Gloria…… We all can forgive you now for turning that multi-million dollar necklace into a wee wee pad for fishes.