Birthday Sluts

April 9, 2011 / Posted by:

Hugh Hefner (85)
Jackie Evancho (11)
Elle Fanning (13)
Kristen Stewart (21)
Jesse McCartney (24)
Jazmine Sullivan (24)
Leighton Meester (25)
Jay Baruchel (29)
Albert Hammond, Jr. (31)
Yoanna House (31)
Charlie Hunnam (31)
Keisha Knight Pulliam (32)
Rachel Stevens (33)
Jenna Jameson (37)
Austin Peck (40)
Cynthia Nixon (45)
Paulina Porizkova (46)
Joe Scarborough (48)
Marc Jacobs (48)
Martin Margiela (54)
Dennis Quaid (57)
Michael Learned (72)

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QOTD: Betty White Has No Love For LiLo Or The Warlock

April 8, 2011 / Posted by:

International treasure Betty White is not the one who will dry Lindsay Lohan’s fake tanner tears over a slice of cheesecake at a round table in the kitchen and she’s definitely not drinking or even sipping tiger blood. Betty White continued to add to the neverending list of reasons to love her when she gave her thoughts about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the Daily Mail of all mails. Basically, Betty thinks that LiLo and Charlie need to do ass-to-ass with a giant double-sided dildo made of gratefulness. Tell that shit like it is, Betty!

“They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it.”

Of course, LiLo had something to say to this to E! News, “I’ve always been a fan of hers. It’s just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman.”

Why the hell did LiLo even waste a breath she could’ve used to puff on a Red? Betty White is right. End of story. Shut those silicone anal glands on your mouth and take it. Betty White is saying what Charlie’s and LiLo’s family should’ve said a long ass time ago. If only Betty could stick her fist up White Oprah’s ass and do the talking for that delusional crazy from now on.

What’s RPattz’s Deepest Darkest Fantasy?

April 8, 2011 / Posted by:

RPattz not only bathed his pits and commanded all the miniature unicorns in his hair to lay down for Elle Magazine, but he also told them that one of his wishes is to bring a serious beating on a paparazzo. (“Oooooh, I’m so scared.” – the paparazzi). When RPattz sees a pap he fantasizes about the day he gets to punch that trick in the face the same way we punch ourselves in the face every time Kristen Stewart bites her lip. RPattz might look seven shades of frail and seem as fragile as the lone sparkle on a patch of long white vampire skin, but he’s getting ready to go off on a bitch like a drunk slut with her skirt hiked up in the middle of a Denny’s. RPattz put it like this to Elle:

“You know, when the whole thing dries up and there’s hardly any paparazzi around—I don’t know, in 15 years or something—I like the idea of just one paparazzo coming out and trying to get a picture, and I just beat the shit out of him. I mean—out of nowhere—when my picture’s not even worth…and I’ve spent all my money, so you can’t sue me!”

Just like that thousands of masochist Twihards are applying for pap jobs at photo agencies everywhere hoping that RPattz will punch them until they’re black, blue and sparkly one day.

RPattz also told Elle that he does have a thing for older women, “I was always obsessed with Kate Moss. On my bedroom wall I had a poster of Linda Blair and Kate Moss. I always liked Jane Fonda. Who else? Ellen Burstyn.

Um. RPattz needs to go over his list again, because he forgot to mention one very important cougar:

You just know RPattz blew this classic picture up to billboard size and covered his bedroom ceiling with it. Metagasm!

Karl Lagerfeld Takes Off His Sunglasses, The World Does Not Freeze Over

April 8, 2011 / Posted by:

Urban legend says that if Kunty Karl Lagerfeld removes his Chanel eye shields and you stare directly into the ruby crystal globes (filled with the tears of the village children) shoved his sockets, you will immediately shrivel into a platinum thread of dust and join the field of poor unfortunate souls on top of his head. Or you will get really obese and be banished into his dungeon so that he can amuse himself by making fun of you while he nibbles on black crow nails. I must have fallen asleep during that part in class, because I’m not sure which is the case. BUT thankfully, neither of those things happened in Monte Carlo yesterday when Kunty Karl took off his glasses at lunch with his human Baptiste Giabiconi and some other slaves. SOULS DID NOT FREEZE. Crisis averted for now.

And I feel like I’ve just caught Kunty Karl at his most intimate moment. Without his sunglasses, he doesn’t really look like the zombie king of the underworld who can shred the spirit of a newbie model by cackling into the night before her. He sort of looks…vulnerable….with those Charlie Brown eyes of his. Hmmm. This is almost like walking in on your naked abuelita. Let’s just pretend like this never happened.

Afternoon Crumbs

April 8, 2011 / Posted by:

Holding hands after a game is the new slapping each other’s bare asses in the shower room – TDW

A-Rod, Cameron Diaz and some sexy fashion-forward wannabe guido hit the gym – Lainey Gossip

Mila Kunis or Nicole Richie? – Hollywood Tuna

When are we going to get to the part where LeAnn Rimes pushes Brandi Glanville’s dog out of their apartment window? – The Superficial

Oh, don’t mind Kate Moss, she’s just got a lil’ coke mouth (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Taylor Lautner’s publicist isn’t even trying anymore – Popsugar

Furry nips and a puppy courtesy of Glee’s Max Adler Towleroad

Did the world start spinning the other way, because Kathy Griffin dumped the Old Spice Guy for clinging on to her ass too much – Celebitchy

Joan Rivers’ QVC jooree collection > The Style of Jolie Just Jared

Lady CakeCakeThe Berry

The Real Housewives of DC got impeached from Bravo – ICYDK

Karina Smirnoff gets practically all kinds of naked on DWTS so why not go full labia in Playboy? – Popoholic

Who needs SPF when you’ve got glasses big enough to cover your whole SANS FARDS face? – Moe Jackson

Drea de Matteo and Shooter Jennings continue to name their babies after roadside biker bars – I’m Not Obsessed

I didn’t know Shangela was related to Toni Braxton! – Necole Bitchie

Kelly Osbourne got that late 80s L.A. news anchor hair – Cityrag

Why does that explosion of foolery on top of Nicki Minja’s head remind me of Pinky and the Brain? – Hollywood Rag

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Then Or Now: When Were They Hotter?

April 8, 2011 / Posted by:

On the left is The Real Housewives of New York City’s Jill Zarin back in 2006, and on the right is Jill Zarin looking like a damn fool on Watch What Happens Live last night. The only thing she’s missing is a microphone headset and a child covering their eyes in the front row, because this is the kind of piss poor Madonna impersonation you’d see at a PTA talent show. That polyester fall would look better on a horse’s ass. That top would look better on a Charlotte Russe mannequin circa 1990. And those earrings would look a whole lot better in the napkin holder section at a Pier 1. That being said, Jill Zarin looks hotter “now.” Well, you know I’m a sucker for grown hos embarrassing themselves while paying homage to the 90s.

The entire BOMB Ambition look is more frightening when it moves:

If you’re going to do yourself up to look like a Vogue-era Madonna, can’t you put a cone bra on your dog so she matches you? That’s just lazy styling.

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