This really is turning out to be the year of philandering peens. Soon “Let me smell yo dick” is going to be the new “How was work?”
George Lopez’s wife gave him one of her kidneys 5 years ago, and now The National Enquirer is saying that he has thanked her by giving his dick to two pussy peddlers for a price. If this is true, bitch needs to get her kidney back with interest. When she handed over one of her kidneys on ice, she didn’t expect his ass to use it to help him hump a whore.
One of the professional hookers, who goes by the name “Tiffany,” told The Enquirer, “I had sex with George Lopez for money, and so did a friend of mine. He wanted a threesome and texted me . . .”
Sandra Bullock always wondered why when George Lopez came over for dinner he always spent most of the night whispering with Vanilla Gorilla in the corner. They weren’t talking about cars and shit, Vanilla Gorilla was giving George Lopez tips on how to get puss juice out of his clothes using a Little Tree air freshener, a stick of Wrigley’s and spit.
And if you ever think that a hooker’s job is easy, just reread this quote: “I had sex with George Lopez…”
Somebody actually wants Lindsay Lohan, and that somebody is Judge Marsha Revel in Los Angeles. Judge Marsha just issued a bench warrant for LiLo’s arrest, because she failed to show up to court this morning for her DUI progress hearing. LiLo’s lawyer tried to argue that she couldn’t make it to court today because Michael Lohan’s hired ninjas ate her passport so she couldn’t get on a flight from France to California. Or something like that.
The judge threw LiLo’s excuse into the trash and issued a warrant for her arrest. The judge said LiLo can post $100,000 bail if she wears a SCRAM bracelet, doesn’t drink any of the sweet nectar and submits to random drug testing at least once a week. When LiLo’s lawyer continued to whine about the decision, the judge explained that her client could’ve easily gotten a new passport and made it to the hearing in time. The judge added that LiLo has a history of not showing up to scheduled hearings.
Judge Marsha just dropped a “Bitch Boom Bye” on Lindsay’s head! By the way, it helps if you picture Judge Marsha as Marsha Warfield. Actually, most things are better if you picture them as Marsha Warfield.
This is going to be good. Thinks about all the excuses she’s going to come up with when her SCRAM bracelet goes off or when her drug tests come back positive! “My not father snuck into my room while I was sleeping and gave my SCRAM bracelet a hand job to start screaming!” “My not father poured meth into my bottles of fake tanner.”
And now LiLo can finally wear her 6126 leggings with a built-in-pouch for a SCRAM bracelet.
Here’s LiLo walking the plank in Cannes late last night.
Paramount announced yesterday that prolific philosopher and soon-to-be Fox Reality Channel star, Megan Fox, would not be in Transformers 3. They decided it was more cost effective and easier on the nerves if they used a wig-wearing piece of wet cardboard as Shia LaBeouf’s love interest instead. And they would probably get more raw emotion out of a piece of cardboard. But wait! Megan Fox wants it known that Michael Bay did not throw her ass towards the exit sign, she quit that bitch!
Megan’s spokesbitch tells People, “Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”
I know that Megan is trying to save face, but that was a dumb bitch move! Bitch can kiss a weekly unemployment check goodbye now that she’s saying she quit instead of getting fired. Stupid toe thumbed fuck. I say that with respect (no, I don’t).
And guess who is already trying to land Megan’s spot in Transformers?
Before you laugh, let me remind you that Heidi Montag is a CGI robot with the personality of a broken car engine so she’ll fit right in with the rest of the cast,
I KNOW! I KNOW! You keep trying to drag me away from the animal cages, but I won’t stop throwing peanut shells at them. You even rubbed my nose in the “Do Not Feed The Beasts” sign, but I didn’t get the clue. You were even kind enough to wipe their wet dung off my face after they threw it at me, but I still can’t stop!
I feel like if I have to suffer, you have to suffer too. It’s kind of like the time (just go with it) your friend made a green caca from drinking a black raspberry Coke slushie from Burger King, and called you into the bathroom so that you could see it. It’s like that. We’re all standing around the toilet together. Which leads me to these pictures of Tila Tequila Worm squirming around on the floor (where she belongs) at some Maxim party in Los Angeles last night. It’s fitting that bitch looks like a used tampon that fell out of the Kraken’s snatch. It was a heavy flow week.
I mean that in more ways than one. Courtney Love is in the mood for spilling the shit on every famous whore her clitoris has terrorized in the past. Courtney Love’s sex list is the HUAC Hollywood blacklist of 2010. Run and hide!
Courtney already threw shame on Gavin Rossdale by farting about how she fucked and slimed him while he was with Gwen Stefani. Now Court is dragging Kate Moss from one gutter to the next.
Courtney tells Hot Press about how she got nekkid with Kate Moss back in the 90s. Court said, “It’s a great story for the grandchildren so . . . yeah. Kate wasn’t doing a lot of drugs. It was just a thing that happened in Milan in the ‘90s. It happened and it was fun and whatever. And she talks about it and so I hope she doesn’t get mad that I outed her about it… I feel like such a kiss and tell… Kate’s great, though! Kate’s a good friend of mine. I almost bought Kate’s house in St. John’s Wood (London).”
Correction. It’s a great a story to tell the grandchildren if you want them to suffer horrific night terrors which will leave their bed sheets soaked in their own piss.
I love how Court says that Kate wasn’t doing a lot of drugs. That means Kate can’t even use the excuse that she was higher than a Sunshine Walker when she bumped ‘ginas with Court. But this does make me understand Kate a little more.
The moment she put her tongue on Court’s minge is when she jumped off the edge and landed face first into a mountain of the bad shit. Ever since then, Kate has been filling her nose with massive amounts of coke in hopes that those granules will find their way to the part of her brain that holds the memory of her nibbling on Court’s snatch. Kate isn’t trying to get high, she’s trying to erase that memory! That reason will hold up in a court of law!
Here’s Kate looking as fresh as ever (sarcasm) at the opening of a Topshop in London yesterday.