This Was A Smart Move

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

I’ve made farts that have lasted longer than Eva Longoria’s relationship with Penelope Cruz’s brother Eduardo (yes, I’m getting that checked out), but that didn’t keep him from inking her name into his flesh recently. I mean, Eva has been humping on that tall piece of carne asada for only 60 days! The paps got a picture of Eduardo’s tribute to Eva while they two were in Miami together over the weekend.

That is some B.O. (before orgasm) shit. You know Eva was laying her shit down when she told Eduard to scream her name, and then she told him to INK her fucking name. The things you’ll say to cum. I swear.

I hope Eva is getting her fill of good dick, because getting a tattoo of someone’s name that early on is like the first dig into a relationships grave. Shit is not going to end well. Actually, it will probably end well, because Eduardo can turn that tattoo into so many things. Like a slightly disfigured Pac-Man who suffers from a chronic flatulence problem:

So much better than the first name of a Desperate Housewives cast member.

Open Post: Hosted By Monkeys And Man Ass

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

And here is my NSFWish Valentine’s Day gift to all of you! It’s a pair of slut monkeys working together to pull down the swim trunks of an old man. Yes, I know they were only looking for a banana or guavas, but they couldn’t charmed the dude first? You can’t just go around pantsing hos to see what they are working with. Who do they think they are? John Travolta? (Note: John Travolta is totally going to get himself a pair of pantsing slut monkeys).

Anyway, Happy Hallmark Taking Our Money Day! May a pair of monkeys pants you on the street today. But unlike these rude bitch monkeys, I hope your monkeys do it with love and respect!

via Buzzfeed

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You Can Cut The Sexual Tension With One Of Zac Efron’s Eyebrows

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

This is what the line to the glory hole at Cinderella Castle’s must look like, right? But no, this is two of Disney’s most ravishing and cherished Adonises, Zac Efron and Joe Jonas, sitting next to each other at the Calvin Klein Men’s show in NYC yesterday. Thighs parted…. Hands politely clasped… They’re as stiff as a Republican politician waiting for the airport men’s room to clear. That could only mean one thing: they are trying desperately not to act on their impulse to cuddle on each other’s honey buns right there in front of everyone. Oh, how Zac just wants to softly blow at Joe’s brows and watch them dance like wheat in the wind. At least that’s what the thought bubbles that I created for their asses say.

If only a butterfly made of strawberry gloss landed on Joe’s lips during the show. Zac cannot ignore anything made of lip gloss so he’d have to plant his lips on Joe’s. That’s obviously what Kellan Lutz, Jack Huston and the only and only Bryan Boy were hoping to see too.

Hell To The No: Lady Gaga Thanks Whitney Houston

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

Looking like she just rolled out of a past due Buitoni carton, Lady Gaga performed her new single Born This Way for the first time on the Grammys last night. The foolery is here in case you missed it. It looked like Parasite Hilton’s lady condom finally breaking free and celebrating its freedom. It also looked like what you see when you drop acid and stare at a bowl of wet pasta noodles for an hour straight. A mess in need of some Prego.

But that wasn’t the only “THE FUCK?” moment that billowed out of Gaga’s tuck. When she won Best Pop Vocal Album, she gave a special thanks to a special someone who served as an inspiration for Born This Way. Nope, not Madge. Gaga gently squeezed one of Whitney Houston’s stubborn doody bubbles when she said:

“I need to thank Whitney Houston. I wanted to thank Whitney, because when I wrote ‘Born this Way,’ I imagined she was singing it — because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to imagine i was a superstar. So, Whitney, i imagined you were singing ‘Born This Way’ when I wrote it.”

Klingon Madonna say what?! With all the talk that Born This Way is just a Dolly-fied version of Express Yourself, I really thought she would address this shit by singing a verse of EY or something. But no, Caca gives a subliminal kick to Madge’s memaw crotch by thanking Whitney. Whitney is not convinced, though. She responded with this:

Here’s more of the movie make-up school drop-out recycling Madge’s old Blonde Ambition ponytail at the Grammys last night where she posed with Willow Smith.

The Beliebers Declare War On Esperanza Spalding

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

Esperanza Spalding” became the most hated words in a Belieber’s vocabulary next to “potty training time” when she drop kicked Justin Bieber’s high chair by beating him in the Best New Artist category at the Grammys last night. While most us were Googling Esperanza Spalding to find out who the fuck she is, the Beliebers (who were already suffering through a severe kind of hyperness from staying up past their bedtimes) vandalized her Wikipedia page with their sprays of Gerber graffiti. Gawker got a screen shot of some of their work and also pointed us to the edit page where you can see all the shots fired by the Beliebers.

They changed Esperanza’s middle name to “Quesadilla” (which is a delicious middle name) and called her a “fucking reatard” who needs to “go die in a hole.” And they did all of this on a school night! Cut to thousands of Beliebers with a rage hangover this morning. How are they going to scribble out an “I HATE YOU DIE DIE” tiny Valentine to Esperanza on the broken heart from the Operation game when they can’t lift their heads off their desks?

Esperanza looks like a hybrid of Santana from Glee and Janelle Monae, so you’d think the Beliebers would raise their rattles for her. They really need to coat their teething rings with weed butter, because it’s not that serious. There’s no need to ruin your parents’ Valentine’s Day by crying out for Justin Bieber on the baby monitor. Justin will soon win a Nobel Peace Prize for discovering the cure for dandruff in the tips of the dream strings on his head, so a Grammy really ain’t shit.

Here’s more of international hero Esperanza Spalding and Justin Bieber (with Uncle Usher, Jaden Smith and his parents) at the Grammys last night.

As If Anybody Else Could Be Prince William’s Best Man

February 14, 2011 / Posted by:

On the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning, a herald screamed out “HEAR YE! HEAR YE!” before proclaiming that Prince William has chosen his brother Prince Hot Ginge as his best man and Kate Middleton has chosen her sister Pippa as her maid of honor. Prince William would’ve been launched into the moat if he didn’t go with Prince Hot Ginge, but I’m a little disappointed that Kate Middleton didn’t ask England’s finest rose Jodie Marsh to be her maid of honor. The royal wedding has now slid back a few places on the elegance scale due to Kate’s mistake.

The BBC says it was also announced that Kate will have four bridesmaids (more like bridestoddlers) including 7-year-old Lady Louise Windsor, 8-year-old Margarita Armstrong-Jones, 3-year-old Grace van Cutsem and the Duchess of Cornbread’s 3-year-old granddaughter Eliza Lopes. Prince William’s pageboys will be 8-year-old Tom Pettifer and 10-year-old William Lowther-Pinkerton.

A BRIDAL PARTY OF BABIES!!! This almost ruins everything. How am I supposed to successfully disguise myself as a member of the royal bridal party when they’re all as tall as garden gnomes? I guess I’ll have to super glue tiny shoes to my knees and hope that nobody thinks it’s weird that one of the baby bridesmaids has a 5 o’clock shadow (I’m from Camilla’s side of the family). It’s a good thing I can walk for miles on my knees. File that under: skills I learned while dating a dude with Restless Leg Syndrome.

In preparation for April 29th, I’ve been taking night classes at the Learning Annex on royal British wedding etiquette. Royal etiquette states that the best man must wear an ascot thong with a cut-out and carry the ring on his crotch finger. When Prince William and Kate Middleton are pronounced husband and wife, the best man must tear off his thong and do the dick slappy dance down the aisle. This happened at every single one of King Henry VIII’s weddings. These are the rules and Prince Hot Ginge better abide by them or off with his head (or is it, off with his clothes so that we can all give him head?).

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