Just like that pearl necklace, my soul dribbled down into a dark canyon of uncertainty when Aretha Franklin underwent a mystery surgery for a mysterious condition two weeks ago. Aretha has yet to confirm or deny that the mysterious condition is pancreatic cancer. But Aretha did release a statement saying that she’s resting her chichis in the comfort of her own bed and is hoping she’ll be well enough to get some theater in her life very soon. Aretha cooed this out to the Free Press:
“I’ve been at home for almost three days now. My family and friends who brought me home are taking great care of me. I also have a private nurse who visits on a daily basis. I’m hoping to be strong enough to go out and see the upcoming Sam Cooke play at the Music Hall in downtown Detroit before Jan. 2, as well as a performance of ‘Dreamgirls’ at the Fox before it closes.”
Since Aretha is craving some DRAMA and THEATRICALITY, let me deliver some to her bedside. Here’s an absolutely riveting silent movie of a ladybug playing a game of pool with itself.
Yes, ladybugs suck at playing pool but the bitch is trying. Clap for that!
via Cute Overload
Ever since Mimi referred to her unborn BABY!!! as “they”, everyone’s been speculating that there’s two mini-Mimikens nibbling on strawberry-flavored placenta in her HELLO WOMBEY, and now her husband Nick Cannon has confirmed this. May the lambs’ joyous BAAAAAAHs echo through the fairy forest and slide down the rainbow into the ears of every unicorn!
People says that on his radio show this morning, Nick let it be known that his wife is now eating for three. Nick and Mimi were trying to keep the news locked inside their lips for as long as they could, but he says he just had to blurt it out when the Obamas asked about her uterus situation after the Christmas in Washington Concert on Sunday night.
Nick explained, “They, ironically enough, questioned my wife about, you know, ‘So, what are you having, are you having twins? And at this point she hadn’t told anybody anything because doctors advised us to keep it to ourselves until we get further along. And because of the excitement, because of the emotion, she was overwhelmed [and] she shared with the President and First Lady that we are having twins.”
Have they done a full body ultrasound, because Mimi sort of looks like she might be carrying another fetus in her neck. No, but seriously, this is not only good news for the makers of Hello Kitty diapers and nipple chaffing glitter cream, but it’s also amazing news for us. Double the baby means double the baby NAMES! But I’m going to wait before getting two onesies bedazzled with the names Lamberiah Ensemble Cannon and LisaFrank Tajazzle Cannon, because they’ll probably fuck with us by going with John and Barbara.
Cat Ommanney, the Brit with a voice as rough as a cat’s tongue on The Real Housewives of DC, has already bragged to EVERYONE about how she felt the sparks of flaming hot desire jump into her body when she made out with Prince Hot Ginge years before she married her future ex-husband. Cat told the Daily Mail in 2006 and then she told the same story to Star Magazine a few months ago. And now Cat’s former nanny is repeating the story again to Radar for those humans with eyes who were born within the past few months and haven’t read about it yet.
Monica Herrero (more like Monica Goodbyero) worked as Cat’s nanny in 2007 when she lived in London. Monica says that Cat would regularly spill the secrets of her vagina out and talked about her affair with Prince Hot Ginge (who is 13 years younger than her ass). Monica said this mess to Radar: “She would show me messages that he sent her, and she said that he wanted to take her hand and travel around the world. While I was living with Catherine a car with a chauffeur came for her twice. Her daughters would tell me, ‘This is the car that Prince Harry sends for mummy.’ She told me she met him because she doing interior design for him, even though I never saw her doing any work.””
Monica must have immediately written down everything Cat said to her, because she seems to remember the conversation word for word. This is apparently what Cat told her (and strangely enough, this is also what’s written in chapter 3 of my fanfiction novel about PHG): “He was holding me off the floor, kissing me. I was absolutely speechless. I was against the wall, and he literally lifted me off the floor and gave me a lovely kiss which I was stunned by. It was a lovely kiss… Afterwards I didn’t say anything. I was genuinely, completely blown away.”
Yes, if I survived tongue touching with PHG, I’d have “I Touched Tongues With Prince Hot Ginge” tattooed on my forehead and I’d file papers to legally change my name to “ITouchedTonguesWithPrinceHotGinge K“. I’d also cover my tongue with a specially made lucite case and only eat liquid foods so that the spot where PHG left his essence is never disturbed. But I’d never EVER sell the story over and over again to various tabloid sources. That’s just pathetic and desperate. Have SOME dignity!
How typical. The man sits there while the pussy does all the work. – NoAnjl
“And now Kitty you are like Saturn and I can see Uranus.” – OurMissC
I gotta train the cat too, dude, y’know, because someone’s gotta replace Jaden and Willow some day. – Emeriesan
These Nuva Ring commercials are getting ridiculous. – cs182
Jane Bright from Survivor Nicaragua
There are some SPOILER ALERTS from last night’s episode in this post so go occupy your eyes with a fake naked picture of (NSFW) Jeff Probst if you don’t want to know anything. Now on to Jane! As of last night, Jane was the oldest lady in the game and my personal favorite because she beat out the young dudes in endurance competitions, felt real love in her heart for chickens and looks like what you would get if you morphed together Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama and Susan Sarandon.
And during last night’s episode, Jane showed us that she’s that lady who will chase neighborhood kids with a shovel when they pick the dandelions in her front yard. Jane became a WOMAN SCORNED after the alliance she thought she trusted told her they were going to vote her out because they knew there was no way they could win against her in the finals. How are they going to do Jane like that? Especially since she was standing there looking like she just crawled out of a Chilean mine and forgot her dentures down there! Poor Jane looked like a stick of cartoon dynamite just exploded in her face and knocked her teefs out! Looking like a sad Dakota Fanning in Hounddog. They are cruel and heartless. But Jane showed them when she delivered a simple F U to their faces:
I hate CBS for blurring that beautiful moment.
Benjamin Bratt (47)
Michael Lohan Jr. (23)
Danielle Lloyd (27)
Flo Rida (31)
Scott Storch (37)
Paul Van Dyk (39)
Miranda Otto (43)
Jon Tenney (49)
Xander Berkeley (55)
Billy Gibbons (61)
Benny Andersson (64)
Steven Bocho (67)
Lesley Stahl (69)
Liv Ullmann (72)