The End Of Days: RPattz As Kurt Cobain

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

If you feel a little rumble coming from the Earth’s surface this morning, there’s no need to stop, drop and roll a joint. It’s not an earthquake. It’s just Kurt Cobain continuously rolling in his grave over the news that the keeper of The Magical Unicorn Forest, RPattz, is in talks to play him in a biopic.

According to The Sun (I know, I know), crazy ass Courtney Love is working closely with Universal Pictures to bring Kurt Cobain’s story to the big screen. Courtney only agreed to give Universal the rights to Kurt’s story if she got final approval on everything from casting to the script. A source says that Courtney’s first choice to play Kurt is the sparkly vamp and she wants ScarJo to play her. Court has also been talking to David Fincher about directing the movie. The source went on to say, “Robert has been calling and emailing her non-stop. She has been a bit wound up by his manners, but he is her number one choice to play Kurt. She is adamant Scarlett will play her. Scarlett is friendly with Frances Bean, her daughter with Kurt.”

And let me guess, Court wants Joe Jonas to play Dave Grohl?!

Seriously, which fourth horsemen is this?! The only major decision Courtney should be making is choosing which padded room is the most comfortable. RPattz as Kurt Cobain would basically be Edward Cullen in flannel. If Courtney Love is dozed off in a gutter in 99% of the movie, then ScarJo would be an okay choice to play her. This is suckery to the millionth degree. Let’s just pretend someone spiked the coffee pot with peyote at The Sun’s offices….

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 8th!

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Aretha Franklin’s fine fox-fur neck stole rests on its perch after an exhausting day of wrangling in the Queen of Soul’s many chins. – The Mad Catter

Runners-up:

CatsAss Jesus!!!! Pray! – El Bastardo

After 20 years, Angelina finally sucks the soul out of Brad, leaving only his beard and nutsack – Tex-Bro

Jennifer Aniston was thrilled when she found this – a cat and a man all rolled into one. – OurMissC

via Crewcial

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

The Stone Peen of North Yorkshire, England!

Jason Hadlow, the owner of a garden store in the town of Bedale in North Yorkshire, has been slapped with an £80 fine after some prude-ish pilgrims with the eyes of an innocent fetus complained to the police about a giant hard dick in his front window. Not only did Jason get fined, but the police also snatched his prized erect penis. They told Jason they will gladly give him the dick back once he pays the fine.

Jason is fighting back and started the Free Willy Campaign on Facebook. Jason refuses to pay the fine, because if he does he’s afraid that the people he sold similar stone dicks to will also be liable. Jason has sold nearly 10 rock hard wangs. And no, he didn’t sell them all to Jodie Marsh. That shit is child’s play for her anyway. Her labia could break one of Jason’s stone peens in two just by flapping at it.

Jason also added, “It’s absolute madness they’ve taken this willy – it was right there in the shop window next to a statue of Venus and a replica of Michelangelo’s David! They involve boobs and willies – and there was a sign nearby saying Big Dick’s Sausages and they didn’t take that.”

Here’s some pictures of the police taking away Jason’s manhood. Hard at work! FREE THE PEEN!

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Birthday Sluts

April 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Cynthia Nixon (44)
Elle Fanning (12)
Kristen Stewart (20)
Jesse McCartney (23)
Jazmine Sullivan (23)
Leighton Meester (24)
Jay Baruchel (28)
Yoanna House (30)
Albert Hammond, Jr. (30)
Keisha Knight Pulliam (31)
Rachel Stevens (32)
Jenna Jameson (36)
Austin Peck (39)
Paulina Porizkova (45)
Joe Scarborough (47)
Marc Jacobs (47)
Martin Margiela (53)
Dennis Quaid (56)
Michael Learned (71)
Hugh Hefner (84)

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Back To The Shore!

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Once the cast of Jersey Shore finishes scooting their ass slime all over the city of Miami, they will head back to Seaside Heights to shoot the of the season there. More fist pumpin’ and face punchin’ at Karma! Hopefully, The Grenade is ready to blow again!

MTV said this shit in a statement: “It’s official, the ‘Jersey Shore’ cast began filming Season 2 in Miami. Once the boardwalk heats back up, the series will return to the Jersey Shore to complete the season. The new season is set to premiere Thursday, July 29, at 10 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.

Why do they need to wait until the boardwalk “heats back up“? Have they seen how orange those bitches are? They can bring the heat with them. Shit, Pauly D’s complexion can make a Sunflower seed, sprout, bloom and burn up! He’s like walking Photosynthesis. And all of them together can roast a dozen frozen chickens on their skin, and start a fire just by standing over a magnifying glass. There’s no need to wait.

Here’s the Jersey Whores shooting scenes in Miami today. Snooki should probably take her sunglasses to the free clinic, because it looks like it’s already covered in crotch barnacles.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

April 8, 2010 / Posted by:

Which macho sports star has a secret penchant for slim dark men? The fella in question has a girlfriend but made a play for another man at the weekend… (3am)

Just ignore the macho part and go with Cristiano Ronaldo? The brows don’t lie!

This former A list television actor and former B list movie actor is now on a hit cable television show, but he is probably just a B- now. Big, big name recognition though. He is married to an actress. Anyway, he recently has been sporting bruises all over his body. When his friends asked how he got them, our actor said it was from a new kick boxing regimen. Actually though they are a result of his wife toppling a full bookcase on our actor after she caught him passed out drunk on their living room floor. He had told her he was sober now. (CDAN)

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni? They could’ve just blamed it on the earthquake.

We know it’s always surprising to hear about couples who split a long time ago without our knowing it. This good-looking acting couple is another example. They’ve each done at least one long-running series, and have done many film roles. They’ve each been red-hot at some point, but have both cooled off in the career department. Errors on his part, rumors on her part. While he was definitely not the ideal family man, she didn’t turn out to be an angel either. They publicly split, then got back together, saying that they were going to renew their wedding vows. You probably didn’t know that the renewed vows never happened. In fact, the couple is already divorced. While the story isn’t out there yet, at least you now know the naked truth. (The Blind Gossip)

See above.

This very young, but legal, socialite reality star (not cable) was at a party the other night when she made it very clear that she was available for the night for the right price. Her asking price? $25,000. When one guy asked her how come she charged so much she said, “I’m on a reality show. I have a DVD of one of the episodes if you want to watch.” (CDAN)

Malik So-Chic from that High Society disaster? It costs extra to lick his bald head.

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