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If you’ve ever wanted to gaze deep into Jim Carrey’s 49-year-old pores while he spills the crazy out in an open ode to his love for 22-year-old Emma Stone, this is the shit for you. Jim lets all of us know what thinks of when he jerks off by saying that if he was 20 years younger he’d make a bunch of fat freckled babies with Emma Stone. Then Jim says that he wishes Emma joy, and happiness, and above all this he wishes her laaaaaaaaauuuuuuuv. This video has since been recorded onto a VHS tape, stuffed into a manila envelope and passed to Kevin Costner who has been hired to protect Emma since Jim is obviously thisclose to moving into one of her front bushes. No. Jim is just telling jokes (I think). Here’s the transcript which is best read with the karaoke version of THIS.
I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?
Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.
We’ll also say that Jim is telling jokes when he starts Tweeting about what Emma’s toilet paper smells like while he’s hiding out inside of her front yard trash can. Emma, the WTF is in your court.
But seriously, what the hell kind of poppers did those penguins give Jim?!
We’ve already had a few eye fulls of RiRi’s bare alien balls and she pretty much humps on an invisible peen on stage, but now Hustler is coming around saying that they’ve got a tape of her yodeling like an auto-tuned goat gargling while getting it on with rapper J-Cole. J-Cole opened for RiRi on her Loud tour and apparently he’s opening something else on the tape. Sort of.
Even though one of RiRi’s friend is denying that her Bozo the Clown cooch is getting tingled on camera, Hustler swears on their anal beads that they have the “intimate tape” in their lube-smeared hands. They told Radar, “Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”
Don’t know what to do with it? Did Hustler just get off of the bus from Dontknowfuckville, USA and is skipping through the front gates of the internet for the very first time? When life hands you a celebrity fuck tape, you either a) promise to give said celebrity a cut of the profits and let them clutch their rosary when you leak that shit or b) YOU LEAK THAT SHIT. It’s not that hard.
But it’s probably not worth taking your panties over since Hustler keeps calling it an “intimate tape.” To put it bluntly, intimate tape = no peen in chocha = no cum shot = no thank you. I’m not going to go back to the days where I stole my mom’s credit card number to buy some crap movie on the Spice Channel that didn’t have a cum shot in it. I’m too grown for no cum shot porns, thankyouverymuch.
Here’s RiRi in Portofino, Italy today. I’m sure the shit she’s doing to that ice cream with her mouth is more hardcore than this shit she does on this “intimate tape.”
It’s nice to see that Nicole Kidman’s pillow bump is still getting work! – Lainey Gossip
The whore unemployment line according to Paris – The Superficial
Gay gingers will save the ginger world – Towleroad
The most offensive thing about these JLo pictures are those PLATFORM FLIP FLOPS FROM THE 9TH CIRCLE – Hollywood Tuna
Well, at least Pimp Mama Kris doesn’t have to cut Kris Humphries out of her main whore’s People Magazine cover when they get divorced in a couple of years – Celebitchy
Will & Jada’s photo-op is right on time! – Just Jared
Abbey Dawn is still alive?! – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
This Clueless reunion ain’t shit without Amber – The Daily What
The Duff’s got a puff from getting it in the muff (I hate myself for that too) – Popoholic
MTV chose the right bitch to host the VMAs this year – The Berry
Aaaaan the new Bachelor is….a lesbian ape! – ICYDK
Lady in the purple totally just made a wet spot – Popsugar
Mila made a rape joke – Celebslam
SOMEBODY CLAP ON! I CAN’T SEE SHIT! – (NSFWish) OMG Blog
Thirty minutes and an ambulance visit later, dude was in a neck brace – Hollywood Rag
Chasing squirrels?! Is that what we’re calling getting caught playing in his mommy’s red lipstick crypt? – I’m Not Obsessed
Regis is jacked – Cityrag
Why did this make me miss the days of Kriss Kross? – Videogum
The face Oliver Hudson makes when he walks in on a nekkid ass nekkid Kate Hudson – SOW
Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Or just skip all the kites and strawberries and go straight to the (NSFWish) 1:55 mark. And after all that, I still just want to bead his bushy brows like a friendship pin.
Sometimes it’s just the little things in life and today’s little thing in life is seeing Michael Ass Bender as the drag baby of Miss Coco Peru and Edina Monsoon in a cut scene from X-Men: First Ass. In the deleted scene, Professor X shows Zoe Kravitz that he has mutant powers by turning Magneto into a fuck me boots-wearing Dragneto in a Ginger Grant wig.
Cutting this scene is like cutting off a kitten’s whiskers, but we all know why this ended up on the floor. That ice cold cunt queen January Jones just couldn’t handle a hot-blooded tramp looking sessier in a pair of go-go boots than her. January took the director Matthew Vaughn aside, performed the freezer burned version of Glenn Close’s “I Will Not Be Ignored” scene from Fatal Attraction before threatening to boil his wife’s rabbit coat if he didn’t put the scissors on Dragneto. So he did. I swear, January Jones hates children, human teddy bears AND Dragneto!
January has to know that Dragneto will always looks better than her, and if she doesn’t, she needs to take a nap and wake up, baby! This queen knows what I’m talking about:
via Entertainment Weekly (Thanks Jacob)