How Not To Sell A Milkshake

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

At Millions of Milkshakes (aka one of the rest stops off the Fame Whore Expressway) in Culver City last night, Kim “Chasing Dicks Since I Came Out The Womb” Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta teased the health department by debuting her own milkshake (made with wig cap sweat, Big Papa’s nut juice, pieces of NeNe’s old cartilage, Fashion Fair bronzer, and shredded foreclosure papers) while Michael Lohan watched. Yup, there’s no way that milk stayed good with Michael Lohan and Kim Zolciak around.

Licking on a creamy white load is what made Kim Zolciak rich and famous, so she has definitely come full circle. I know, I know. I shouldn’t throw hate. Kim is driving around in a leased Bentley convertible while I’m trying to get my warped Metro Card to work at the turnstile, so she wins this one.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

This C+/B- list television actor is on one of the most popular network ensemble shows. Yes, the show you are probably thinking. Anyway, our actor was on the phone having phone sex with a woman. Presumably. Anyway, at one point he got another call from another woman so he clicked over and made plans to see her that night for some sex. Our actor thought he had hung up the phone, so started right back up having phone sex with what he thought was the first woman and then he heard the voice of the woman he had just made plans with for that night. Needless to say, they did not go out. (CDAN)

Whoever it is has my respect for keeping phone fucking alive. With sexting and Skype screwing on the rise, phone sex is a dying sport. My guess is Puck from Glee? I’ll also throw in Mr. Shu’s name, but only because it gives me a reason to once again use this picture of him with a mutilated Furby on his crotch.

This very famous actress is angry and loaded for bear. She’s been out of town, and during that time, her on-and-off SO has been cavorting with another woman, who is also a celebrity.

In the past, Actress actually used to be friendly with Other – although we don’t believe they have ever worked together professionally – and even hung out with her on several occasions. But at that time, Actress and SO were in a committed relationship, and Other was married to someone else and didn’t seem to pose much of a threat.

Well, Other is now single, and appears to be making her move on Actress’ SO. Actress and SO have already had several yelling matches on the phone, and once Actress is back in town, everyone is going to get read the riot act. If Other is smart, she will back off before things get ugly. (Blind Gossip)

Lindsay Lohan, SamRo and Xtina? And there’s only one way to settle this: NEKKID POOL FIGHT! Preferably, a pool filled with Clorox, Gun Scrubber and Dawn. If they’re going to fight, they might as well get some of those layers of crusted fake tanner off their skin while doing so.

What young actress filming a remake is a gigantically lesbian person, delightfully enough? (Village Voice

Gigantically lesbian person is the phrase of the day. Does Girl with the Dragon Tattoo count as a remake? If so, I’ll go with Rooney Mara?

Which superstar’s daughter annoyingly talks French to people who don’t necessarily know French, repeating the same phrases whenever she doesn’t want to really answer a question? (Village Voice)

LOURDES, stop right now! Or Suri. Yeah, it’s probably Suri. She’s fancy.

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Afternoon Crumbs

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Harry Potter! If you’re going to bust out the white lace bra you should at least use the Engorgio spell on your titty area beforehand – Towleroad

And I will spit up a GOOP if down home cuntry stars Fishsticks Paltrow says to the audience, “It’s good to be back home in Nashville, you all” – Lainey Gossip

The Parents Television Council is the PETA of whiny moms – The Superficial

Playboy Playmate gone wild! Like really wild. Like “shoot your boyfriend and blame a drug dealer” wild (NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

R.I.P. West Coast Choppers Celebitchy

Julianne Moore looking hot in Allure – The Berry

“Hey, RiRi, why don’t you pose on this pile of dirty laundry!” – Popoholic

Cameron Diaz’s #1 fan (and a total dildo filled with CRAZY) would have a name like Grim LeRogue – NYC Barstool Sports

How Jennifer Aniston spends a Saturday night. I’m jealous. – OMG Blog

Courtney Cox and David Arquette are back together…but only to watch their kid win a ribbon or something – Popsugar

Adriana Lima models Victoria’s Secret’s newest “You’ll Never Own This Mess” bra – Just Jared

No, No, No, Brit Brit is just playing “smell my finger” with herself – Cityrag

Peaches Geldof blah blah blah – Holy Moly!

Chupa is having a boy…a boy that she’ll dress up in fur vests and high-heeled moccasins – ICYDK

Something Brandy thought you should know, she hasn’t gotten dicked in 6 years – Necole Bitchie

Exciting development of the day: Rachel Bilson pushing a shopping cart – Hollywood Rag

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These Two Whores Might Be Doing It

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

To some, the thought of Kim Kardashian making John Mayer scream for 911 while 69ng doesn’t make much sense since his David Duke dick directly goes against everything she truly believes in (example: delicious black peen). But lay a thought on that for a second. This makes so much sense, because Kim would fuck a wombat if it got her a blurb in Life & Style and John Mayer would fuck a wombat just because. No offense to wombats.

The wombats need to blame it on Page Six, because they are the ones starting this. A source tells them that Kim and John recently went out on a group date together while she’s in the city shooting her show, “They brought along other friends, but the idea was to see if they would hit it off.” No word yet if they “hit it off” or not since reps for the both of them had nothing to say about this shit.

By the time I hit publish on this post, Kim probably already rinsed John’s douche dingles out of her mouth and has already moved on to the next piece. Kris Jenner will not let it go beyond that. Once Kris checks John’s credit and adds up all his assets, she’ll find that he doesn’t make nearly enough to keep the entire Kardashian family as plastic as his favorite butt plug. NO GO

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Open Post: Hosted By Luke Perry & Friends

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Why didn’t anybody tell me that there was a Luke Perry photo booth at DragonCon this year? Luke Perry is so good at making people look their best (just go with on this one) that he should open up a franchise in malls all over the world.

You don’t need a chest bow or a velvet drape background to make you look stunning. All you need is Luke Perry. This is totally the new Glamour Shots.

Go over to Buzzfeed and Flickr to see a dozen more of Awkward Family Luke Perry Photos.

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Coked Up On Charlie Rose

October 20, 2010 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jo has openly talked about how before her veins were filled with the spirit of the saints, they were spiked with various varieties of the bad shit, so this interview with her old drug dealer isn’t really going to make you smear the pearl necklace you got this morning.

Franklin Meyer, a retired bad shit merchant, tells Life & Style that he regularly sold coke and heroin to Angie Jo in the late 90s and early 2000s. Their business relationship was born in 1997 when Angie and some dude came to his room at the Chelsea Hotel in NYC to buy their shit. For the next few years, Angie would pay Franklin a visit at least a couple of times a week. They would sometimes conduct business at her apartment on the UWS. Franklin added, “She would generally spend about $100 each time — that would buy maybe half a gram of coke and a 10th of a gram of heroin. She would snort the cocaine and the heroin in front of me. It didn’t seem to matter to her who else was there.”

Franklin even has proof! Sort of. In the clip above from a Charlie Rose interview back in 2000, Franklin says that Angie is higher than Jesus’ fart. Right before she made her way to Charlie Rose’s studio, she took a bump of coke at Frederick’s place. She went right back for more after the interview ended.

Angie totally looks scrambled in the brains, but being in a black box with Charlie Rose does have that effect on some people. How can you concentrate on anything when Charlie Rose’s soft soothing velvet whisper of a voice is stroking all of your senses while the glare from his eyes pinch at your nipples. You can’t! But seriously, Angie is every kind of fucked up in that video.

Life & Style also proclaims on their cover that this is THE VIDEO THAT WILL SPLIT BRAD & ANGIE. I have to agree with them. This story will definitely send Brad Pitt running back into Jennifer Aniston’s open arms (Note: If you drive by Jennifer Aniston’s house right now, you will see her standing on the sidewalk with her arms wide open).

I mean, that dumb bitch Angie paid $100 for half a gram! Who wants to be associated with an ex cokey who got ripped off repeatedly? Embarrassing!

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