Birthday Sluts

June 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Peter Dinklage (42)
Shia LaBeouf (25)
Joshua Jackson (33)
Matt McGrath (42)
Manuel Uribe (46)
Dr. Oz (51)
Hugh Laurie (52)
Joe Montana (55)
Lynsey de Paul (61)
Frank Beard of ZZ Top (62)
Adrienne Barbeau (66)
Christina Crawford (72)
Gene Wilder (78)
Queen Fabiola of Belgium (83)


Tina Fey On Tracy Morgan’s Rant

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Alec Baldwin has already responded to Tracy Morgan’s fire-breathing sermon against gays with a Tweet shrug and now Tina Fey and the head of NBC issued their own statements since some people were wondering What Would Liz Lemon Do?

The head of NBC said that he was happy Tracy apologized and that they don’t agree with hate or violence towards anybody (except Conan O’Brien). Since the NBC peacock is as gay as the NBC peacock, he went on to say that both the network and 30 Rock accept everybody (except Conan O’Brien) so Tracy’s comments were against what they believe in.

As for Tina, she put it like this:

“I’m glad to hear that Tracy apologized for his comments. Stand-up comics may have the right to ‘work out’ their material in its ugliest and rawest form in front of an audience, but the violent imagery of Tracy’s rant was disturbing to me at a time when homophobic hate crimes continue to be a life-threatening issue for the GLBT Community. It also doesn’t line up with the Tracy Morgan I know, who is not a hateful man and is generally much too sleepy and self-centered to ever hurt another person.

I hope for his sake that Tracy’s apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket. The other producers and I pride ourselves on 30 Rock being a diverse, safe, and fair workplace.”

Tina Fey should know that one of my shittiest ex-boyfriends slept 12 hours a day and always sat on the side of the table that faced the giant mirror in the dining room at Mimi’s Cafe, so sleepy selfish dick bags can be hateful too. But what I’m getting from Tina’s statement is that on the next season of 30 Rock, Tracy Jordan will become color blind which will lead him to only wearing rainbow colored clothing. Then Tracy Jordan’s son Tracy Jr. will come out to him at around the same time he develops a Tourettes-like tick that forces him to stab his daddy in the knee with a rusty shank repeatedly throughout the day. Either that or she’s saying that bitch better get right or he’ll be lucky if he gets a job as Mel Gibson’s understudy at the Westboro Baptist Dinner Theater.

And I just realized that typing “dining room at Mimi’s cafe” was ridiculous. Like that shit was some fine dining.

Attack Of The Clones

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

On the left is the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir signing copies of his memoirs at Macy’s in Philadelphia the other day. On the right is the forever reigning pretty pretty prince of the Internet Peter Pan Dude.

Both are what a fluffy white chicken would look like if it tried to escape the farm by disguising itself as Dorothy Hamill. Both could actually convince a room of strangers that Stuart from MADtv was based on them. Both could bedazzle a sheet of toilet paper by wiping their derrieres on it. Both piss hummingbird juice and huckleberry nectar. Both could give a sparkler show just by burping. And both have a nickname for their peen that could double as the name of a Popple.

Johnny is not one to Xerox copy a ho’s entire look, so I will assume he’s paying homage to the one and only Peter Pan Dude. I mean, who doesn’t open their closet in the morning and tell themselves that they want to look like Moe Howard meets Peter Pan Dude meets a Palm Springs divorcee?

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Two of the women on this sports themed show, spend more time in bed with each other than their husbands. (CDAN)

This has to be about Basketball Wives, but only one of them has a husband so let’s just figure that the “husbands” in that blind item is a figure of speech.

I am so wrong but for topical purposes, I’m going to guess that Tami Roman is cooing “I’m slave I’m a slave I’m a slave to your coochie” into the crotch of Meeka Claxton. Their bitch brawl in Rome was totally a lover’s quarrel.

This A-list celebrity – who’s been on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” many, many times – refused to show up for the queen of talk’s send-off spectacle. The award-winning entertainer was asked to sing something for the special event, but Miss Diva didn’t want to share the stage with so many other “lesser” stars! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

John Travolta thinks she’s too good! No. Celine Dion doesn’t seem the type. Mimi’s twinglings were barely hatched from her rainbow womb so she wasn’t in a state to yodel. So I’ll go with Tina Turner?

This B- movie actress who has dated one of the biggest stars on the planet has started a new regimen that her shaman says will be good for her. What is it? Drinking blood from a combination of animals everyday. Craaaaazy. Of course she has always been a bit kooky. (CDAN)

Winona Ryder? But how are you going to go from drinking Gary Oldman’s (fake) blood to guzzling on squirrel blood?

As for a blind riddle, there’s a Hollywood sure-cock who keeps deliberately hitting on and fucking married women because he gets off on the fact that they’re almost always ready to leave their marriages for him. Who? (Lainey Gossip)

The (Gerard) Butler did it?

This Real Housewife from the East is not only sleeping with one of the crew, he is also supplying her with prescription drugs that are not hers. (CDAN)

Sonja Morgan from The Real Housewives of NYC?

This male reality star on a big cable show, not only cheats on his significant other (who is also a big reality star on the same show), every chance he gets, but throws it in her face and dares her to leave. (CDAN)

Either Slade Slimey and Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County?


Scott Disick (aka Scott Is Dick) and Kourtney Kardashian from Keeping Up with Kris’ Kunts?

This married Survivor big star got one of his fellow contestants pregnant. (CDAN)

I GOT IT! Phillip Sheppard is such a master secret agent that he’s actually a biological woman and Boston Rob knocked him up.


More Like “Barfing Up”

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Here’s Brit Brit’s cover of Madge’sBurning Up” which she will lazily move her lips and throw around limp jazz hands to during her Femme Fatale world tour. I’m biased since “Burning Up” is my #1 favorite Madge song , but this shit is a pounding in my ear that needs to die.

If Brit Brit and her producer wanted her to sound like a toddler on helium screeching for help while trapped on Space Mountain, then mission accomplished!

The only cover of a Madonna song by a robot chipmunk voice I need in my life is this one:

Poisoned Or Pregnant?

June 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber’s playground coochie bumpin’ partner Selena Gomez was taken to the hospital last night after her head started to ache in a bad way and she experienced the kind of nausea you feel when you translate the words “playground coochie bumpin” into a visual.

TMZ reports that after she sat across from Jay Leno on The Tonight Show, Selena was overcome with the sicks and needed medical attention. Selena is still in the hospital today to undergo tests. Her show at an outdoor mall in Santa Monica tonight has been canceled. Selena’s rep isn’t saying what put her on the hospital bed.

If I was Selena Gomez’s doctor, I’d ask her three things:

1. Why are you messing around with the baby Marcy D’Arcy?

2. Did she happen to see a deranged toddler in a Justin Bieber onesie crawl out of her dressing room at the Tonight Show with an empty jar of poison in its tiny hand?

3. Is she allergic to any farm animals? Because if she’s knocked up, I’ll have to prescribe an antihistamine so she isn’t snotting all over the place when she births out the second coming of Bieber in the manger.

Oh, and she should probably wear a gas mask during delivery, because Usher is going to show up in a cloud of smoke at some point to collect Justin Bieber’s first born. A contract is a contract!

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