It took a while, but Kelly finally found a way to get John to work off those extra pounds. – angel_i
Bidickle. – El Bastardo
Not since Brad Pitt, has a misused dick been so securely locked up while attached to a skinny frame. – jazzfish_77
You can always tell when George Michael has lost his drivers license again. – zomayBreak
Tiffany Derry from Top Chef D.C.
Tiffany color coordinates her hat with her earrings with her dress and this is always the key to an impeccable fashion sense. Point one. Tiffany also started her gourmet culinary career at the age of 15 at the Michelin-starred IHOP. Point two. Tiffany was the Norma Rae of her IHOP because she successfully battled management’s “No women in the kitchen” policy and became the first lady cook there. Point three. Tiffany also shattered more records at her local IHOP when she was promoted to management at the age of 17, making her the youngest manager in history. Point four. Tiffany is one of the only Top Chef contestants that doesn’t force me to run to Google (to look up “concasse” and fancy shit like that) when she explains her dish. Point five. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Tiffany is the Velveeta foam on top of my seared Hot Pocket.
Shaun White (24)
Garrett Hedlund (26)
Fearne Cotton (29)
Jennifer Paige (37)
Charlie Sheen (45)
Adam Curry (46)
Amber Lynn (47)
Costas Mandylor (48)
Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols (55)
Valerie Perrine (67)
Al Jardine of The Beach Boys (68)
Eileen Brennan (78)
Here is a SANS FARDS and pregnant Celine Dion with her family on the cover of Canada’s 7 Jours magazine. This is how the cover of a celebrity weekly is really done, because each one of their facial expressions is a new kind of hilarious.
René Angélil has a look on his face like he’s really excited to destroy Flash Gordon once and for all, or slurp your brains out through your ear holes. Celine is giving that look most pregnant women have plastered on their faces 7 out of 9 months. The “I’m over this shit” face, which is also the “I have to piss” face. René-Charles looks strangely excited. I say “strangely excited” because I’d be kind of sad if I no longer had a long luscious unicorn tail on top of my head. Maybe it’s hiding under there and he’s wearing Anne Hathaway’s wig.
And the dog is obviously not amused at the fact that 7 Jours is still bringing up Princess Diana’s death.
A bunch of Guns N’ Roses fans in Dublin must have not received the world memo stating that Axl Rose is just like all of our relatives: the asshole is always tardy for the party! This is why you have to write the start time on the invitation as an hour earlier than it really is. Always.
Well, when GNR finally took the stage 90 minutes late without uttering one “We’re sorry,” several audience members expressed their rage through dance. And by that I mean they threw glass bottles at Axl’s head. With that, Ireland just found their new official national sport.
Now the Irish believe that every drop of booze is made from the joyous tears of saints (as do I), so I’m sure all the bottles they threw at Axl’s face were empty. They chugged, then tossed. Oddly enough, Axl didn’t appreciate the wave of bottles coming at him so he quit that bitch.
But Axl had the last laugh, because later he came back out onstage, put all the empty bottles in a blue plastic bag and traded them in for 5 cents each. Axl laughed all the way to the recycling bank, where I’m hoping they took his bottles out of the bag and threw that shit back at his ass.
Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni’s salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:
“Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project.”
Oh, Chelsea shouldn’t give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn’t strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.
I’m convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he’s the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go “TS TS TS” before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream “Who’s the pack leader now, bitch” while you’re spanking on him as he’s running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he’s single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.
Here’s Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night: