During a Q&A at the Royal Drury Lane Theater in London on Sunday, Michael Douglas kiki’d with the audience about the health of his former co-star and celebrity recluse Val Kilmer. Michael spilled that the reason you haven’t heard much from Val lately is because he’s battling the same cancer (oral cancer) Michael had. Val isn’t too thrilled that Michael gave out personal details about his current situation, and he took to Facebook yesterday to let everyone know what’s up. According to Val, what’s up is that Michael Douglas doesn’t know shit-all about what he’s talking about.

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The genteel and shy blossom who committed a Good Samaritan act live on the local news at Melbourne Cup! 

Melbourne Cup is the annual HIGHLY prestigious event where the finest gentlemen and ladies of Australia quietly sip champagne in their coat and tails while watching thoroughbred horses race. You know that horse race scene in My Fair Lady where those luxuriously dressed human sticks of pure snobbiness (aka Goopy Paltrow’s tribe) raise their snobby noses at Eliza Doolittle? Well, the gentlemen and ladies of Melbourne Cup make them look like uncouth pieces of uncivilized trash! (Examples: The pictures in the gallery of the refined gentlemen and ladies of Australia displaying the definition of polite sophistication. That picture of the dew drop in the blue dry fucking a trash can in front of an embarrassed employee is my goal for every weekend.)

Reporter Phil Willmington of Channel Nine News (via HuffPo) was doing a report at Melbourne Cup yesterday when two racegoers behind him spotted a dropped wallet on the ground and picked it up. The ladies could’ve easily pulled out the money and used it toward funding their next cup of sweet nectar, but instead, one of them, being the honest citizen of Australia that she is, decided to turn the wallet into the lost and found department. And she decided that the lost and found department was Phil Willmington of Channel Nine.

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David Schwimmer (50)
Randy Harrison (39)
Nelly (42)
Marisol Nichols (43)
Stevie J (45)
Gervase Peterson (47)
Sean Kanan (50)
Shah Rukh Khan (51)
Lauren Velez (52)
Jenny Robertson (53)
k.d. lang (55)
Peter Mullan (57)
Maxine Nightingale (64)
Kate Linder (69)
Michael Buffer (72)
Stefanie Powers (74)
Queen Sofía of Spain (78)
Marie Antoinette (1755-1793)

Pic: Splash

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were Barbié and Ken for Halloween. Being in that box must’ve been nostalgic for Beyoncé, because it probably reminded her of when she was shipped from the Illuminati’s android factory – Lainey Gossip 

A Christmas tree skirt and a basic black dress met at a bar one night, got drunk together and then bareback boned each other in the bathroom. 9 months later, the basic black dress gave birth to the shit that Goopy Paltrow wore the other night – Celebitchy

Johnny Depp’s daughter busted out come hither poses in Elle France – Drunken Stepfather

Jessica Lowndes was some kind of slutty sundae for Halloween – (site NSFW) The Nip Slip  

If Lindsay Lohan wanted to dress up as a deranged criminal mess for Halloween, she should’ve just went as herself – The Superficial

Joanna Krupa is showing you that Hollywood is a confusing place on October 31st, because a john never knows if a chick is working or just celebrating Slutoween – IDLYITW

Okay, but did Chet Haze dress up as one of the back-up skeletons? – Pajiba

Ben Cohen is so damn rude and selfish. How dare he Skype naked and not turn on all the lights so we can get a good look at his peen situation! – OMG Blog

…Says the rich bitch who has zillions of dollars in the bank and doesn’t have to worry about bill collectors coming for him – Towleroad

It feels like Mila Kunis has been pregnant for 90 months – Popoholic

Calm down, nerds, Eleven will be back on Stranger Things – Just Jared

Since Sarah Michelle Gellar is done with the Cruel Intentions reboot, for now, she can completely focus on getting a network to bring back Ringer! – SOW

Michael BoobLays’ wife thought he was gay at first – Boy Culture 

Pic: Instagram

Amelia Earhart’s plane crashed in 1937 and ever since then, humanity has spent a lot of time and money on trying to find out exactly how and when her soul flew up into the afterworld. As many of us were told by our history teachers while we thought about what we were going to have for lunch, it has long been believed that Amelia Earhart died when her plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean. But now a team of researchers (led by Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) have reason to believe that Amelia survived the plane crash and died later on a deserted island. Great, now an executive from ABC is going to call J.J. Abrams and say that it’s been 6 years since Lost ended and that’s plenty of time to reboot it as Lost: Amelia Earhart’s Final Days.

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To my surprise, Lena Dunham didn’t do her hipster duty by dressing up for Halloween as Eleven from Stranger Things (the bodega closest to her house must have run out of Eggos). Instead, she went topical and unloaded this election-themed ensemble onto us. We’ve already seen Katy Perry as a Primus Hillary Clinton and Orlando Bloom as Donald Trump. Lena has been campaigning hard for Hillary Clinton, so it’s not a surprise she would trick-or-treat as something election-themed. I was surprised that Lena’s election-themed Halloween costume didn’t have a strong nudity element. But maybe that’s because she realized that Katy Perry already did Naked Voter and didn’t want to steal her thunder. So she went as a “grabbed pussy.” I can already hear the “Takes one to know one!” jokes.

Lena posted a picture on Instagram of herself dressed as a punny version of Donald Trump’s favorite fame perk. She added the caption: “Happy Halloween! With love from a Grabbed Pussy #imanasshole.” I can already picture Donald Trump’s angry 2am Twitter response to Lena’s costume. “I would never grab Lena Dunham’s pussy or her asshole. Not my first choice, ever. If I were to grab anyone from the cast of Girls, it would be the blonde with the accent. What’s her name, Janina something? Terrific ass. DM me for a Tic Tac hookup, honey.”

I didn’t need to see Lena Dunham getting felt up by disembodied hands, which are waaaaay too big to be Trump’s, while she poses in a discounted Daiso cat ensemble. On the bright side, at least she didn’t go as “Billy’s Bush.”

Pic: Instagram