Steven Seagal Is A Russian Citizen Now
Russia, hide yo puppies (and your pussies), because Steven Seagal is one of you now.
NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.
Here’s The Trailer For “T2: Trainspotting” Starring A Tiny Bit Of Ewan McGregor’s Ass
Obviously we’re only teased with just a teeny tiny bit. Every producer knows that if you want to put actual asses in theater seats, you don’t give away all of Ewan McGregor’s business for free in the trailer.
The official trailer for T2: Trainspotting, the 20-years later sequel to Trainspotting from Danny Boyle, was released today. Based on that title and knowing it happens 20 years after the original, I naturally assumed the trailer for T2: Trainspotting would feature Rent Boy trying to outrun Sick Boy, who was turned into a T-1000 after accidentally shooting mimetic polyalloy instead of heroin. It’s nothing like that. T2 is based on the book sequel to Trainspotting called Porno, and is all about everyone getting together to do drugs and make porno. If you want to skip straight to Ewan’s ass, it pops in to say hello around the 1:24 mark.
Everyone from the first Trainspotting is back for T2. Ewan McGregor, Ewen Bremner, Jonny Lee Miller, Robert Carlyle, Kelly Macdonald. They’ve also updated Ewan’s “choose ___” monologue to reflect 2016. Now instead of “choose compact disc players” it’s “choose Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.” I call bullshit on that one. Don’t tell me Ewan’s character didn’t look up Diane at least once on Facebook drunk at 2am during the last 10 years.
And Then There Was Dolly!!!
Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
Mila Kunis Slaps At Sexism In An Open Letter About Working In Hollywood
Mila Kunis is the latest Hollywood actress to come forward and blow the lid (or at least crack it a little to let the steam out) off of the truth about being an actress in Hollywood. Mila wrote an essay about sexism called “You’ll Never Work In This Town Again…” for Medium. Mila writes that she was threatened to be sent to the end of the unemployment line when she refused to bring the sexy.
Beyonce And The Dixie Chicks Performed At The CMAs And I Don’t Think Everyone Lived To Tell The Tale
It was a night of exploding heads last night. Heads exploded during the never-ending final game of the World Series. Heads exploded while watching Diggle get topless on Arrow (and yes, a different kind of head exploded.) And heads exploded when the Dixie Chicks and Beyonce shared the stage at the Country Music Awards in Nashville. My thoughts are with the ears of the receptionists at ABC who are probably getting hit with a thousand tornados of blood-curdling anger screams from country fans who still hate those unpatriotic traitor trollops the Dixie Commies and who also hate that police-hating non-country ass Beyonce!
Charlie Sheen Brought Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn Out Of Retirement For The World Series
Charlie Sheen has been really into this year’s World Series, because the Cleveland Indians played and that was the team used in his 1989 movie Major League. Two weeks ago, Charlie tweeted a picture of himself as Major League’s sexiest near-sighted fastball-throwing felon Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn and joked: “if called upon, I’d be honored.” Charlie Sheen even tried really hard (and failed, several times) to get to throw out the first pitch during any of the Indians’ home games. But one of Charlie’s smaller, more lucid dreams did come true last night.