Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

February 14, 2010 / Posted by:

This Golden Globe nominee/winner actress is probably C list. Despite the Golden Globe nod and being in one of the more famous movies of the past 20 years, she doesn’t get much attention. She does however have a very, very kinky sex life. How kinky? Well, I am glad you asked. She has been known to hire herself out as an escort for the night. She doesn’t do it for money. She does it for the thrill. She uses different photos in her ad and will throw on a wig when she goes to see the client. It probably would have stayed a secret except her loser ex-boyfriend who she supported has a big mouth. (CDAN)

Golden Globe nominee Gloria Stuart of Titanic, of course. Prostimemaws are all the rage right now. Git it, Gloria.

This B- list actor and Golden Globe nominee/winner has never been married. Sometimes he will have a girlfriend but it never really goes anywhere. It turns out our actor had an accident when he was younger and since then has not been able to umm get aroused. He says that it has been so long now that he really doesn’t care about it anymore. (CDAN)

I’m going to go with Joaquin Phoenix, because most of the time he looks like he really could use a good orgasm.

Apparently this relationship between a C+/B- list movie and television actress and her A list athlete boyfriend is not as serious as the world has been led to believe. Both of them have been seen out with other people in the past few weeks and they weren’t exactly platonic dates. (CDAN)

Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter? Duh, right?

There are two gorgeous actresses with a similar look and of a similar age who are frequently up for the same part. A juicy role came along that both girls wanted. Actress A – who had previously worked with the film’s director – was approached early in the process, and was basically told that the role was hers.

The director then did a project with Actress B. He expected her to be professional but somewhat of an ice queen. Not only was he bowled over by how genuinely warm and friendly and funny she was to work with, but he was also thrilled to find that she garnered rave reviews from both male and female members of the cast (something that Actress A had failed to do). He asked Actress B if she would like the lead role in his new film.

To say that Actress A completely flipped out when she found out that the director decided to replace her with Actress B would be an understatement. There was some serious screaming, swearing, and crying involved. Well, at least Actress A is probably well stocked up on waterproof mascara. (Blind Gossip)

Actress A either has a cosmetics contract or she sells Mary Kary once a month at the Rose Bowl flea market. Because of that, Actress A could be Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, MiserAlba, ScarJo, Jennifer Garner, Fishsticks Paltrow, Julianne Moore and every other actress who has at least 10 IMDB credits. Based on that shit, I”ll guess Reese Witherspoon and Katherine Hagel, because the latter recently replaced the former in a movie. And because I really want to see these two go at it in a cage. I’m sure Jakey Poo taught Reese how to rip an earring out and scratch at the eyes.

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Butt Sex According To Rep. Nancy Elliott

February 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Up until now, I really thought I had a doctorate in butt sex. I mean, under the education portion of my resume it says: doctorate in butt sex. But now I have to erase that from my resume, because apparently I know nothing of butt sex. If anybody has a doctorate in butt sex, it’s Rep. Nancy Elliot (R-NH). In the clip above, she describes gay ass love as “putting it in the rectum of another man, and wiggling it around in excrement.

I need to cursty before the penis that “wiggled it around” in Nancy’s excrement, because I thought the wiggling penis was just a myth! In my peen travels, I’ve come across the thrusting penis, the lazy penis, the grinding penis, the “hit my ass canal until I bite a chunk off the pillow” penis, but I’ve never come across the wiggling penis. And I’m not talking about this kind of wiggle penis.

Nancy needs to stop being so selfish, and give that wiggling penis my Skype username. Hell, give it all of our Skype usernames, because we all must experience this wiggling penis for ourselves!

Fun fact: “Wiggling it around excrement” is also how doctors describe the mating ritual between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

And in case you need something to get you in the mood for “wiggling it around in excrement” this Valentine’s Day, here’s the remix!

via Boing Boing

Kevin Smith Is Too Fat For Southwest

February 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Kevin Smith exploded all over his Twitter page last night after Southwest Airlines hated on his chunk by pulling him off of a 1-hour flight from Oakland to Burbank. Kevin was already seated with his seatbelt fastened when he was told he would have to roll off the plane because the pilot labeled him a “flight risk.” According to Kevin’s fingertips, the pilot felt his fatness could crash the plane or his pit chunk could suffocate another passenger. Or maybe they are finally punishing him for Jersey Girl.

Here’s some of Kevin’s Twitter bacon-flavored (delicious) Twitter rant via SFist:

Dear @SouthwestAir – I know I’m fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn’t give
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a “safety risk”. Again: I’m way fat… But I’m not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

bag is up, and I’m seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who’d already I.d.ed me as “Silent Bob.”
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don’t
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don’t sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir.
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Wanna tell me I’m too wide for the sky? Totally cool. But fair warning, folks: IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME, YOU MAY BE EJECTED FROM @SOUTHWESTAIR.
about 15 hours ago from Echofon

Kevin eventually made it home on ANOTHER Southwest flight, which he was not kicked off of.

The only thing I have to add to this is: WHY IN THE DEEP FRIED BUTTER HELL DID THIS NOT HAPPEN TO KIRSTIE ALLEY INSTEAD?!!!!? Reading her epic Twitter rant would’ve been like devouring an entire funnel cake covered with Fluff, Hershey’s chocolate syrup and Churro chunks. It would’ve been Christmas, my birthday and National Brownie Day rolled into one. It would’ve been better than a blowjob from a watermelon (so I’ve heard).

And since we’re on the subject of Southwest vs. the chubs, here’s a clip from one of my favorite reality shows Airline, which addresses this issue:

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Waffle House! Because nothing says “true romance” like waffles, runny eggs, burnt coffee, the sight of a trucker’s ass crack and the sweet scent of nail glue and Jean Nate powder wafting off of her waitress. That was delivered with zero sarcasm, because oh-how I wish I could spend my VD at Waffle House. The only bitch I want to make out with today is a waffle covered in butter and syrup. The truth.

For the third year in a row, Waffle House will give a sink bath to their genitals and add a touch of romance to the joint for Valentine’s Day! At select Waffle Houses, you and your someone can be struck by cupid’s arrow all over again thanks to fine white linens (stains may vary), candelight, flowers and waiters in button-down white shirts (the rest of the staff will be in wife beaters). And if you want a little champagne or wine to go with your bacon, Waffle House’s sommelier (aka the cashier who has watched at least two episodes of Hell’s Kitchen) will offer suggestions. You can have either white (i.e. Thunderbird) red (i.e. Thunderbird with Welch’s), or sparkling (i.e. Thunderbird with Canada Dry).

So why bother putting on a tuxedo to go to Red Lobster, when you can keep your Pajama Jeans on and embrace the Waffle-scented love at Waffle House instead. Just listen to Gail Lovvorn in the clip below. She’s one “e” away from having “love” in her last name, so she’s obviously the authority on romance.

HAPPY VALENTIME’S DAY TO ALL!

(Image via al.com)

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Birthday Sluts

February 14, 2010 / Posted by:

Pat O’Brien (62)
Freddie Highmore (18)
Erin Topey (29)
Rie Rasmussen (32)
Rob Thomas (38)
Simon Pegg (40)
Jules Asner (42)
Meg Tilly (50)
Renee Fleming (51)
James Eckhouse (55)
Teller (62)
Alan Parker (66)
Michael Bloomberg (68)
Florence Henderson (76)
Phyllis McGuire (79)
Hugh Downs (89)

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