If you’re going to draw attention to yourself by trying not to draw attention to yourself, wearing a severed Care Bear head is the way to do it. Yes, the Kingdom of Caring will probably declare a Care Bear stare war upon you since this is some St. John the Baptist shit, but you will definitely get some dick from a Plushie. The peen outweighs the cons.
And it’s Stephen Fry under there, of course!
The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold’s son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…
Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph’s biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.
“It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”
When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.
“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”
More like Maria said, “Get off your knees, trollop! I ain’t my husband.”
As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he’s part Schwarzenegger and said it was “cool” when his grandmother told him.
And maybe it’s just bitch’s checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.
“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”
You know after reading the “love and respect” part, I’m beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.
Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner’s taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn’t bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.
TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?
Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she’ll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that’s where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly…
She’s probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly’s hoping that Hef won’t notice, which he won’t. Now that’s how a real gold digger does it!
Justin Timberlake has dated a mega stoner who probably shits shake (see: Cameron Diaz) and has hinted in the past about how he’s struck down with bong love, but now he’s officially coming out of the hot boxin’ closet as a proud stoner.
Justin confessed to Playboy Magazine that he allows the long tube of green smoke to fuck his throat gently, because it’s his way of escaping his brain for a minute. Here’s Justin on weed, internet gossip and the work of denim art he wore to the American Music Awards.
On if the internet is ever right about who he’s giving his dick in a box to: “None of it’s true, so I shouldn’t even dignify it with an answer. The thing is, I’m not going to sacrifice my friendships with people who are my co-stars I meet in the business. I’m not going to avoid spending time with people because someone who doesn’t know me makes assumptions about what’s going on. That’s bullshit…My life is not on the internet.”
On why he keeps shit in the Hollywood family by only fucking on celebrities: “You probably gravitate toward people who understand your scenario. At the end of the day you just want someone who gets you, who can be a friend. That’s kind of the point of Friends with Benefits. As corny as it sounds, the ‘friends’ part counts just as much as the ‘benefits’ part, if not more.”
On if he was whoring it up during his N’Sync days: “I hate to disappoint you, but I was the youngest one in the group, so the other guys were getting more of that [girl] action, and they were protective of me…But yeah, the girl stuff definitely was a heavy part of it, and it would play with your mind. I remember looking down once – we were playing Madison Square Garden for an HBO special – and this girl put her arm out. She had a mural of me tattooed along her whole arm. I just remember looking at it and thinking, Holy sh*t, that’s never going to come off.”
On the denim suit that should earn him and Brit Brit a place in The Museum of YES: “God, I feel I’ve gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with ‘N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits [to the 2001 American Music Awards]. Yeah, another bad choice. I’d probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet.”
On smoking pot: “Absolutely [I’m a pot smoker]…The only thing pot does for me is it gets me to stop thinking. Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”
Justin isn’t telling lies about the “some people are just better high” part. Some people are just better high and the people who aren’t (aka the paranoids and nacho-hoarders), are better as seen through high eyes. And now you know that you’re not the only one who tokes up to forget about Justin Timberlake, so does Justin Timberlake!
The only fat Fishsticks Paltrow approves of is the duck kind she uses to roast pink dolphin bone marrow and penguin meat for a dinner party with her close friends Jessica and Jerome Seinfeld, so one would expect her to raise her nose and get the gross shivers over a friend’s fat stomach. Jenny Craig spokesperson Ross Matthews dropped 40 pounds of chunk in just a few months and says that the push to lose weight came from the cuntified words that jumped off the board of judgement in Fishy’s mouth.
During a taping of Chelsea Lately last November, Fishy patted Ross on the stomach and said, “What’s going on here? I love you. Get it together.” If it was me, I’d pat that bitch on her mouth lips and tell her, “What’s going on here? I hate you. Seal them together.” But Ross, who is friends with Fishy, took her words to heart and started on the road to skinny with Jenny Craig’s help. My eye balls rolled so many times that I think I have a six pack on my eye muscles now.
Ross tells People that he now exercises more and knows how to eat healthy. And Ross went on to say how Fishy responded to his new body, “I saw her when she was promoting her cookbook recently. She was so excited. She said, ‘You look good!’ The weight was such a shameful issue for me. I’m so happy to be rid of it.”
Does Ross realize what he just did?! Those 40lbs Ross lost went straight to Fishy’s obese ego. You know what they say: “A moment on GOOP, a lifetime on Fishy’s ego*.” But it’s easy for her to judge. If all of us did a panda piss cleanse and a verbal colonic every other day, we too would have the body of a whale’s skinny dick.
* Like the temple to GOOP Fishy is building on the shores of the Hamptons, that saying is a work in progress.
Jennifer Aniston has long been the go-to lonely miserable-ling and “Well, at least I’m not her” poster child for a bitches who can’t get a man, but it’s a new day! Jennifer Aniston is accused of being a homewrecking slut whore who used her jaws of life vagina to snatch a man right out from under another woman’s body!
If you need Maddox, you can find him in the fetal position, fearing an uncertain future and contemplating the meaning of everything. If his arch rival Jennifer Aniston can successfully pull claimed dick to her side, does this mean that black is no longer Maddox’s signature color or that he really thinks knives aren’t not toys? June 14, 2011 is the day that Maddox either begins a pilgrimage to find the truth, or it’s the day that his thoughts of confusion turn into bubbling rage and he uses that to lead his child army in a battle to take over the world and control destiny! Maddox Khan! But I digress…
There’s been talk that Jennifer’s new piece Justin Theroux barely broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens. Well, Heidi’s rep says that “barely” should be bolded, capitalized, italicized and vacuum packed in uncoolness, because Heidi moved out of their apartment only 2 weeks ago. Jennifer and Justin met on the set of Wanderlust back in October, but they turned their relationship from co-workers into co-fuckers last month. A source says that Justin told Heidi he was just friends with Jennifer, but then finally came clean. Heidi’s rep said this to Page Six:
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment.”
A friend of Justin’s said that the love between he and Heidi was over long before Jennifer came along. The friend also says that shit is moving fast with Jen and they are practically living together full-time.
Since Jennifer learned from the best, this kind of ho shit behavior from her shouldn’t surprise me, but it does! Go, Jen! Get your evil whore on! And we all know what happens next. Jen and Justin will “play house” in a spread for W Magazine, Heidi will call it uncool and then they’ll adopt an orphan from Cambodia and call him UMaddox. And please tell me UMaddox turns out to be Maddox’s long-lost brother. I can already hear the galloping from Maddox Khan’s child army in the distance….