Afternoon Crumbs

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Cindy McCain STAINZIN with her eyes for the No8 Campaign – Towleroad

Miranda Kerr reads the newspaper?!?! – Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson’s bloatface – Hollywood Tuna

RiRi yodels for Haiti – Just Jared

Grab your camel toe and lead it to Ice-T and CoCo’s den of love – Cityrag

St. Angie is hot for teacher – Lainey Gossip

Revenge body is the new bikini body – Celebitchy

Lily Allen wearing a necklace made out of Siamese twin carrots (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Ryan Reynolds is a walking JcPenney catalog cover – Popsugar

Over the Moon Watch (And this one hurts): David Walliams is engaged – Holy Moly!

Maybe the seven lines Mischa Barton did her in trailer had something to do with this – I’m Not Obsessed

Avatar can retire to the Tree of Souls now, because the real 3D spectacular of 2010 is about to arrive – SOW

Kim Kardassian sucks a lollipop like it’s a cock. Ya.wn. – Socialite Life

Brooke Mueller is in the hospital – ICYDK

Shocking shit (sarcasm). Nay Nay used to be a member of the OxyContin fan club – Hollywood Rag

A Sad: Jennifer Lyon from Survivor: Palau passed away at the age of 37 –UsWeekly

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Tiger, Is That You?

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

*Image removed per request, but you can see it on every other site on the Internets!*

The National Enquirer is saying that this is Tiger Woods holding a cup full of regret (with a dash of Ambien) outside of a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The Enquirer has been saying for a while now that Tiger’s peen is speaking to a therapist at Pine Grove about his constant hunger for white vag. Their sources say that Tiger is undergoing a six-week program for sexual addiction. The program was created by a Dr. Patrick Carnes.

Hos out there looking to beat the recession should immediately go to Hattiestburg and get a job as a waitress at the Keg & Barrel. It’ll only be a matter of time before Tiger strolls in, winks at your ass and gives you a story you can sell to The Insider. Make sure to dedicate your Penthouse spread to me!

An eyewitness says she’s sure it’s Tiger in the pictures, because he jumped in the bushes and cowered in fear when she said Elin’s name.

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Tater Tot’s New Look

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Tater Tot, the 4-year-old boy who was put on in-school suspension after he refused to take a pair of scissors to his luxurious bob, has been allowed back in class as long as he keeps his hair in a double French braid. Tater Tot’s mom Elizabeth Taylor (who is the spitting image of this Elizabeth Taylor) has been trying to find a way that her son can go to class without cutting his beautiful mop.

The school’s dumb ass policy states that every boy’s hair must be kept out of the eyes and can’t drop lower than the earlobes. Tater Tot’s day isn’t complete without flipping his hair while humming the Salon Selectives jingle, so he really didn’t want to chop his locks. Elizabeth Taylor worked with the school’s principal and came to the agreement that Tater Tot can sit with his fellow classmates if he wears his new ‘do.

Why didn’t I have Tater Tot’s problems when I was his age? I used to put a pair of control-top panty hose (sorry mom) over my head and pretend it was a flowing waterfall of luscious hair. I would’ve given up my Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine to be able to wear a French braid that made me look like I was about to bust into a pirouette before leaping across the floor like a graceful swan.

Principal Wilson & Kelly Taylor Quit 90210

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

The three of us who still watch the new 90210 shouldn’t expect to see Rob Estes and Jennie Garth’s faces on the first episode of season 3, because both of them have quit the show for different reasons. And unfortunately, none of those reasons involve the wrath of Brenda Walsh.

Radar reports that Rob Testes and The CW couldn’t come to an agreement over his contract. Rob wanted a bigger allowance from The CW, but the network refused to open their wallet and told him to get a paper route. A source said, “Rob’s not happy about it all. Basically they couldn’t agree on money and that’s all it comes down to. Rob’s an experienced actor and feels he deserves to be compensated accordingly, but the CW just want to cut costs and they want to reward all these young, hot, up and coming, and therefore cheaper, actors and actresses instead.

As for Jennie, her manager says that she never wanted to be a regular on the show and wants to pursue other projects (examples: taking naps at 2 in the afternoon, learning every single Judge Judy-ism, seeing how long she can go without changing her socks, and trying to beat John Mayer’s masturbation record).

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John Mayer Admits He’s The Biggest Jerk-Off In The World

January 20, 2010 / Posted by:

In a new interview with Rolling Stone, John Mayer continues to sound like a teenage character in a John Hughes movie who just had his first hit of the good shit.

John queefs about everything from how he can’t stop making his penis barf to how he’s looking for the Joshua Tree of vaginas (to go with his Death Valley of penises).

John gives me Tourettes. One second, I’m laughing at the ridiculous shit he says (i.e. brain bath, more butt holes than a proctologist), and the next second I’m punching myself in the froat for jacking him off even more with my laughs. I mean, just when you think John’s bowels are completely empty, he makes you pinch your nostrils by barfing up even more diarrhea.

Put on your rain boats and venture into John’s lake of bullshit:

John on being rejected by chicks at club:
“Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”

John on finding the Joshua Tree of baginas:
“All I want to do now is fuck the girls I’ve already fucked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there,too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

John on jacking himself off every second of the day:
“I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It¹s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

John on burning Aniston:
“I’m the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’ I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt attached. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it.”

John on the gay rumors:
“I don’t care about anything other than energy. That’s why people think, ‘Is he bi? Is he that?’ I’ve never slept with a man. But I get it. I’ve seen pictures of men on the Internet that are sexier than pictures of most women.”

You kind of have to laugh while punching yourself in the froat like me, because what in the fuck of fucks? This is like getting a colonic while completely stoned.

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