Detective La Toya has nothing to do with this latest Larry King mess, but I felt like this day really needed an appearance by her. We can all breathe again.
Anyway, after yesterday’s news came out that Zombie Larry is about to star in The Mummy 4: Larry King’s Got His Groove Back, more stories started seeping out about what led to his divorce from Shawn Southwick. Apparently, it’s been rumored for years that Larry is banging Shawn’s younger sister Shannon. Also, there’s a rumor going around that Shawn is banging her kids’ little league coach.
Shannon denies that she’s been sucking on Larry’s tequila worm, but TMZ’s sources say she’s lie-telling in the first degree. The source went on to say that Larry and Shannon’s affair has been going on for 5 years. Larry showered Shannon with all kinds of gifts like fancy diamond trinkets from Cartier and a $160,000 car. The nasty gross jig was up when Shawn checked Larry’s credit card statements and noticed that he bought a diamond necklace from Cartier. This led to numerous fight which got physical. YES, the geriatric turtle be fightin’!
The source said that over a year ago, Larry and Shawn had it out in front of a restaurant in Los Angeles. Shit got so real that they both started “punching each other.”
Larry truly is immortal and stronger than he looks. I barely have even enough energy to wipe my ass, and here’s Larry fucking and punching like an ADD-ridden teenager on the wrong kind of speed. I bet Larry doesn’t even shrivel up when you pour salt on his head. Don’t even try to stomp on him when he scurries across your kitchen floor in the middle of the night, because he will break every bone in your foot.
The Superficial has pictures of Kate Hudson in Miami with a slightly larger chichi situation, which has some thinking that she got touched by the plastic gods.
Well, UsWeekly has it on good authority that Kate visited a plastic surgeon late last month to get a pair of small Ziploc bags installed into her chest area. One source said, “Kate makes jokes about her boobs, but her chest has always been one of her biggest insecurities.”
Who really knows why Kate suddenly got a thirst for silicone, but I’m sure it had something to do with her dating A-Rod. I mean, Kate was probably jealous at how A-Rod’s juicy man breasts of desire filled out a tank top. Or maybe Kate didn’t get a titty job after all and she’s just wearing one of those Noah Cyrus-approved padded bikini tops for toddlers.
Twitter is really going to be the death of us all. Since April 15th is already the worst day of the year, let’s go out with a bang (to the genitals). Here’s Michael Lohan showing off his overcooked, overplucked and overfucked body on Twitter.
Stick a Little Tree under your nostrils, because this picture reeks of Axe, 2-week-old cigarette butts found in the gutter, Pisco Sours, a burnt tampon, baby oil and taint cheese.
But seriously, you don’t have to act like you wouldn’t chew on his nipples even though they look like puss-filled butt pimples. On second thought, if you really feel that way maybe you should act like you wouldn’t…..
The break-up curse is striking harder than a bitch! It has already claimed Sugartits and Zombie Larry King as its victims, and now it can add Melissa Etheridge to the pile. People reports that Melissa and Tammy Lynn Michaels have stopped scissoring after 9 years! April 15th is the worst!
When the lesbians start breaking up, that means there’s no hope for any of us. Just grab a tub of cake batter and join Jennifer Aniston on the La-Z-Boy sofa of life! Take a Benadryl if you’re allergic to cats.
Melissa’s rep issued this simple statement of words which doesn’t include any dirty details as to why they dropped the love: “Melissa and Tammy Etheridge are saddened to announce that they are now separated. We ask for consideration and respect for our family as we go through this difficult period.”
Melissa and Tammy are moms to 3-year-old twins Miller and Johnnie Rose (which also sounds like a cocktail you can order at Claim Jumper). Melissa also has two kids with former partner Julie Cypher.
If Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon announce they’re splitting up today, just push me before I find out.
Jesus sent his most exquisite angel to deliver a beautiful bra made of angel feathers and tin foil for Aretha Franklin. – Hard.Hat
After sucking the life and hotness out of her last boy, Madonna goes cruising for a new Jesus. – K-tron
The new Toyota Priestus guarantees you’ll go straight to heaven if your car speeds off a cliff. – starvis
How much truth are you really gonna get when you combine organized religion with a used car salesman? – heathie
Dominic Deville, the evil clown parents can hire to stalk and terrorize their children as a birthday gift! The perfect gift for parents who hate their kids!
For the chirruns out there who love the movie It so much they want to be in it, there’s a service in Switzerland where their parents can hire Dominic to send out evil text messages and phone calls for 7 days. Dominic warns the kids that they are about to be attacked. On the 7th day, Dominic goes in for the kill and tries to hit the child in the face with a cake. If the child manages to dodge the attack, he gets the cake as a present. If the child has a nervous breakdown and/or stabs Dominic in the groin, then the parents get to go to jail! I made up that last part, but it should really be in the contract.
Dominic says it’s all in good fun and the children actually like being stalked (Dear Pedobear, don’t even think about submitting an application for employment). Dominic tells Metro UK, “The clown will never break into a residence or show up at work. It’s all in fun and if, at any point, the kids get scared or their parents are concerned, we stop right there. But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless.”
And no, a visit from Dominic doesn’t come with a coupon book for a lifetime supply of therapy and anti-anxiety meds.