Mischa Barton is like a cokey-eyed ostrich from our nightmares eating our souls from the inside out (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
James Franco taking a picture of himself with gross ass Kiki Dunst. It’s probably just part of his ongoing performance art project – Lainey Gossip
Kate Gosselin in a bikini. That sound I just heard was the sound of you logging off – The Superficial
How you breastfeed twins as presented by Julie Bowen – Egotastic!
Kate Hudson’s shorts would look better on a grandma’s table under a pot of chamomile tea – Hollywood Tuna
Madonna speaks out on the conviction of a gay couple in Malawi – Towleroad
Teresa Giudice says “PROSTITUTION WHORE-AH“, Danielle says “Paid for relationships” – Celebitchy
Rachel Bilson’s chichis don’t deserve this – Popoholic
ASkars with his nipples out! ASkars with his nipples out! – Just Jared
Jay-Z has that look on his face because he doesn’t know if that’s Will’s or Jada’s hand giving him the shocker – Popsugar
Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are not dating – ICYDK
Tale of two toes – Cityrag
Megan Fox wasn’t fired because she’s too thin, she was fired because her mouth is too fat – I’m Not Obsessed
Sammy Sosa, still a mess – Crunk + Disorderly
Why didn’t somebody push her? I hate people. – Hollywood Rag
Ashton Kutcher is projecting – SOW
Blohan on that picture of her in Cannes with a few lines of the bad shit patiently waiting for her to spend a little time with them:
“What!?? That’s a set up that’s so untrue.”
We’re all Miss Cleo today, because we all saw this excuse in our crystal ball this morning. What’s so wrong with just saying, “Yes, it’s coke, you fucking bitches. It’s my prom!” Or at least come up with something different and say you were making apology cookies to give to your judge. Bitch needs a new song.
A few seconds into the preview for Vanilla Gorilla’s interview with ABC’s Vicki Mabrey, she asks him if he cheated on Sandra Bullock and responds with a flat “YUP.” Like she just asked the bitch if he likes ketchup on his hot dog, which he does but only Heinz!
And then a few seconds later, the self-proclaimed “Most Hated Man in the World” (Osama bin Laden just shank eyed VG) spews douche water from his eyes and has to leave the room. Maybe the camera man’s yarmulke fell off his head? Who knows, but cry me a fucking river and then stick your head in it.
Meet Allen E. Brown (if you haven’t already), the pimp from Jersey City who was sentenced to 18 years in the chokey for selling vagina out of his home with his mother. Pimp Brown was found guilty of racketeering and extortion. Shockingly enough, bitch was not found guilty of wearing that hot blooded fuckery on his head to court! Bitch doesn’t have a pimp cane, he has a pimp whip on the side of his head! Don’t make him slap you with his pony tail!
The judge shouldn’t have thrown the book at him. The judge should’ve thrown a pair of scissors at his ass so he can cut that mess off. No, I shouldn’t say that. I’m obviously just jealous that my head doesn’t look like every hair show reject died on top of it. We should all be happy to see that one of Coolio’s old dreads and Chilli’s baby hairs found a new home. His scratch ‘n sniff brows are so captivated with the exquisiteness going on above them that they are aching to be a part of it. We don’t blame them.
Pimp Brown is going to make a stunning and ravishing Miss Cell Block Hair 2010.
The small Japanese town of Bibai is currently being terrorized by the Jolly Green Giant’s skinny dick which sprouted up through the pavement. The end is obviously near. Prepare yourself by grabbing a water gun filled with mayonnaise. Yes, I eat my asparagus with mayonnaise. Now is not the time for your judgments when we’re about to be impaled by raw vegetables.
Attack of the killer asparagus! Aggressive asparagus have been causing vegetable vandalism in a small Japanese town. Residents of Bibai on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido have been stunned to see spears of asparagus shooting up through their streets.
The area is renowned for its cultivation of green asparagus but the healthy foodstuff is turning into a headache for motorists as it erupts through asphalt on rural roads.
They say it’s not Photoshopped, but I’m under the assumption that the entire magical land of Japan is Photoshopped, so I’m not sure what to believe. But if this is real-life, I hope this giant asparagus doesn’t land in the crotch of the wrong slut. Us sluts will fuck anything that remotely resembles a peen, so it will be bad news if that happens. The fumes will suffocate us all!
In more important news, it’s a slow day.
Since today’s theme is 80s rock stars in trauma, here’s some news about Bono undergoing back surgery in Munich. A spokeswhore for U2 tells Reuters that Bono effed his back up while rehearsing for the North American leg of their tour which was supposed to start in Salt Lake City on June 3rd. Insert your very own “his ego was too heavy” joke here.
Because watching Bono being wheeled around on a hospital bed isn’t exactly what U2 fans want to see (or do they?), the Salt Lake City show has been postponed. A statement from the rep’s mouth:
“Bono has today undergone emergency back surgery for an injury sustained during tour preparation training. He was admitted to a specialist neuro surgery unit in a Munich hospital. Bono will spend the next few days there, before returning home to recuperate. Once his condition has been assessed further, a statement will be made regarding the impact on forthcoming tour dates.”
Carrying the entire world and the wrath of Ireland’s Department of Finance on your back isn’t easy, so this was bound to happen. Bono needs to take a deep breath, strap a support belt around his waist and lift from the legs!