Kate Gosselin’s rabid possum has been MIA for a while now, but I have been making pathetic excuses for its absence. I refused to believe the tragic truth, but it looks like it’s finally time to say goodbye. It’s really the end of an era, which kind of feels like the end of a bowel movement.
Hopefully, one of us will cross paths with Kate’s rabid possum in the future. Make sure to wink at it if you see it going through your trash cans early in the morning. And throw it a half-smile when you run into it in the waiting room of your therapist’s office. It will be there a lot. We must never forget.
Here’s the former Queen of the Possums showing off her new hair in NYC last night. Apparently, it took them 7-hours to give her a helmet version of Carol Channing’s glorious mop. Yes, 7 HOURS! Supercuts could’ve made her look like “a Southern 40-something divorcee who is forced to work as a hair salon receptionist” in about 10-minutes.
The deal is done and Betty White will host Saturday Night Live on May 8th! The internet can celebrity their victory for like the fifth or fiftieth time. Yeah, I know the news of Betty White hosting SNL has been announced a zillion times before, but now we have an actual date. This gives you about 2-months to put together your viewing outfit. Grab a taser gun and slip on a bullet-proof vest before you go to Chico’s for your ensemble, because the store is going to look like this. Every gay who was a kid in the 80s is going to be looking for that one perfect floral pantsuit to wear while breathing in Betty’s brilliance.
Unfortunately, Betty isn’t going to handle that bitch by herself, even though we know she can. Betty will have back-up. WNBC (via People) says that the special Mother’s Day episode will also feature Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler. Technically, Betty doesn’t have any kids, but Lorne Michael said: “She’s the mother of us all in comedy.”
So now we can all DRINK TO THAT all over again! Sandra Lee is once again celebrating this “sweet treat” news with us.
I know it looks like drunk ass Sandra Lee is desperately trying to hold down a tidal wave of vomit shooting up her throat, but that’s actually her “I’m So Excited” face.
And here’s Betty White strolling through Beverly Hills yesterday after getting vagazzled.
When an H&M in France opened their gates to start selling Sonia Rykiel’s collection for the brand, a mob of mouth-foaming crazies stampeded the joint and were prepared to do whatever it took to get their hands on anything! They ripped each other’s fingers off with their bare teefs, decapitated hos with plastic hangers and choked bitches out with poly-blend sweaters that melt in the sun. This is what it looks like when Kirstie Alley and her friends RRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN to Sonic for free root beer floats.
I can understand acting like a lunatic for a free root beer float, but these girls have to buy that crap! It’s not like H&M was giving away free 8-inch dicks, bags of Anderson Cooper’s magical pubic hair or full economy-sized bottles of whiskey! Someone needs to sic an army of Q-tips on all those rabid poly fuckers.
But I’m sure as each and every one of them did the walk of shame out of the store, they lowered their heads in disgust, because they realized that they just murdered a bitch in cold blood for a $60 dress that will break in the wash. POUR LE SHAME!
It wasn’t disgusting until she took a Leek in the tub. – Team Valtrex
Using microscopic imaging, the engineers at Toyota are finally able to identify what’s causing their accelerators to stick. – Trixie1223
Tila Tequila prepares to fertilize all her eggs – The Hoople
My Abuelita, a book for ninos by Tony Johnston and Yuyi Morales
Anything that has the word “abuelita” on it automatically gets the “Hot Slut” stamp. It’s the way things work. The book’s description is the syrup on the flan:
Abuelita’s hair is the color of salt. Her face is as crinkled as a dried chile. She booms out words as wild as blossoms blooming. She stuffs her carcacha–her jalopy–with all the things she needs: a plumed snake, a castle, a skeleton, and more. Her grandson knows he has the most amazing grandmother ever–with a very important job. What does Abuelita do? With her booming voice and wonderful props, Abuelita is a storyteller. Next to being a grandmother, that may be the most important job of all.
The book’s description is charming, but the real talk truth is that my abuelita would never step outside without covering her salt-colored hair with a black lace veil or a Kangol hat. Or a Kangol hat on top of a black lace veil. Everything else is pretty much on point. All abuelitas permanently have a side-eye on you at all times and they are always cracking their knuckles in preparation for battle.
P.S. – That little gay boy’s eyebrows of perfection deserve a standing ovation.