Chicken Cutlets And The Amazing Technicolor Nightmaredress

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Phoebe Price is an international supermodel who has toplined the most prestigious food court fashion shows in Perris and has graced the cover of a dozen fashion magazines published by a Knott’s Berry Farm photo booth, so I really shouldn’t question her style choices, but what in the name of the coat of many colors does she have on her truly exquisite body?!

Did a two-headed crow attack her in the head which caused her to fall and get tangled up in the backyard clothesline of a lady who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of fugly ass bedspreads? PP is a goddess molded from a mound of ground chipolte chicken, and that dress is not worthy of her beauty.

With all that being said, Chicken Cutlets was still the best dressed at last night’s American Mess Awards. I mean, look at her competition:

Ke$ha – Bitch’s dress looks the inside of my broke Boom Box after it chewed on and warped one of my Alice Cooper tapes. No points for those stud brows.
Nicki Minaj – Is she wearing the skeleton of one RPattz’s golden unicorns? This is not a total fail since her hair is looking like a yellow & green Jello parfait.
The Smiths sans Will – Have the Smith family recently checked the batteries on their carbon monoxide detectors, because that’s the only reasonable explanation for this kind of foolery.
RiRi – An extra clotty tampon comes to mind….
Taylor Swift or Kat Stacks?
Johnny Weir – His beauty is almost on par with Phoebe’s so there’s no shade to throw.
Will.I.Cant – Really, I can’t anymore.
The dude from Train – When he performed last night, his pants sparkled like Edward Cullen’s peen under a spotlight.

Actually, since I put it that way the dude from Train gets best dressed. PP is a close second!

Nothing To See Here, I Hope

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

The only way Gabriel Aubry could “upgrade” from Halle Berry is if he had a threesome with Shauna Sand and Queen on the Scene (P.S. – Where art thou, QOTS?!) on a bed made from the sheddings of the Shiba Inu 6 while Four Loko rained on top of them, so I won’t even use the “downgrade” word to discuss these pictures of him with Kim Kardassian at the Lakers vs. Warriors game last night. Besides, there’s really nothing to talk about because they are just sitting next to each other discussing their views on the debt crisis in Europe, obviously. That’s it!

You know, there’s a good chance that Gabriel doesn’t even know he’s sitting next to a Kardashian whore. Since Kim has a face like a cartoon panther, he probably thinks he’s talking to the Warriors mascot.

Cock The Shotgun?

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson was on the Early Show this morning promoting her engagement ring/Christmas album and she started the interview by saying that her breath smelled like yours after thinking about John Travolta fupa-fucking a dark peen in a sauna. Basically, it had the aroma of fresh vom. Jessica blamed it on the flu, but let me submit these pictures of her at LAX and JFK last night as evidence that she’s possibly got a positive CASE OF THE BABIES!!!! It might explain the engagement, and it also might explain why Papa Joe dresses up in a cloth diaper and bonnet every morning to convince Jessica that she needs to start breastfeeding lessons as soon as possible. No, that’s not right of him at all.

Or maybe she’s not growing a baby in there at all. Maybe she’s just got that HomeTown Buffet bloat. Shit, I’m about as bloated in the everything as she is and I’m not even preg- Wait. Is it possible for a biological male (keep your fingertips off the keys about that one) to conceive a child by rubbing his nipples over digital pictures of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper in a bunny costume? Excuse me while I go and do golden showers with an Ept.

In Case You Missed It: New Kids On The Backstreet Boys

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

New Kids on the Backstreet Boys sounds like the name of a gay parody porn from 1999 that I would’ve spent 197 hours trying to download off of Napster thanks to my dial-up internet connection always getting interrupted by stupid ass phone calls! So last night was the American Music Awards and I still can’t believe I watched the whole thing in its entirety. It felt like I was the only sober bitch at a rave circa 2000.

Enrique Iglesias tried to stroke out my endorphins with a glow stick light show, but it did nothing for me. The Black Eyed Peas (who make me want to give myself a damn black eye) tried to take my hand and lead me to the speaker so that I could put my ear to it and feel the bass hump my senses, but I left them hanging. And EVERYONE tried to get me to skip under a confetti money shot, but I couldn’t even bother to get up. And seriously, what the hell was up with those confetti canons?! Is it necessary to bust out a confetti canon AFTER EVERY SINGLE PERFORMANCE?! A confetti canon is like a hard dick, after popping out its 10th load of the night on top your head, you start to think yourself, “When is it going to stop, because I really need to go and watch the Pawn Stars marathon.” The only time I felt that the confetti canon CAME WITH FEELING was during the best performance of the night: NKOTBSB! And that’s the only time I dropped E and started to feel the roll.

Seriously, when that line-up of hot old bitches grabbed at their crotches at the same time, every 30-something’s panties blew off. Yup, that’s why your panties ripped themselves off last night. And there you were thinking that your daily kegel exercises simply made your queefs stronger. Nope, it was the all-mighty simultaneous thrust of NKOTBSB! Staple your panties down to your desk and relive it all over again!

Kim Zolciak Is Knocked Up After All

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Expect tone deaf songstress Kim Zolciak to choke out an acoustic lullaby version of “Tightrope” called “Umbilical Cord“, because she has admitted that there’s a BABY!!!! growing in her 32-year-old (there will NEVER be enough notarized receipts to convince me of this) womb! After denying that she’s now wearing a “baby bakin’ wig” on her head, Kim has confirmed on the cover of Life & Style that she’s carrying her boyfriend Kroy Biermann’s kid.

Kim says that she shook her NO about the baby rumors a few weeks ago, because she wasn’t past her first trimester yet. But now that she’s three months pregnant and Life & Style waved a big enough check at her face, she’s ready to talk about it. Kim says, “While it wasn’t planned, God clearly has a bigger and better plan for us and we’re excited. I definitely don’t want to get married while I’m pregnant. But I can see myself marrying Kroy in the future.

Kroy is a 25-year-old pro football player, so I’m guessing that the only thing he sees in his future right now is vagina, vagina, vagina, more vagina, and even more vagina. Preferably vagina that doesn’t have a baby head popping out of it.

During last night’s episode of RHOA, Kim said that Kroy had an ass so tight that you could bounce a quarter off that shit (and I’m sure he’s now wishing that his jizz fishes bounced off her egg). Kroy can play that touching and beautiful moment for his future child during one of his court-appointed visits.

Joe Jonas Stops For Peen

November 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Sometimes it’s really the little things in life, or in this case the little circumcised HARD things. CallUsFreaks (via ONTD) posted this priceless picture of Joe Jonas getting closer to a fertility statute in the duty free shop of some airport while Ashley Greene was outside trying to flag down a few paps, or something. You know, when you’re walking through a duty free shop and your eyes land on a stone dick, it is your obligation to tickle its nuts while dry banging your culo with the other hand. It just is, so Joe Jonas is totally following protocol.

And here’s a few pictures of Ashley and Joe strolling through LAX yesterday. You know Joe is totally thinking about the duty free fertility statue he shared an intimate moment with. Hey, whatever gets you through a photo-op.

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