Introducing Flynn Kerr-Bloom

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from staring at this picture, Flynn Kerr-Bloom is the one with a face full of Kerr-tit and he’s Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom’s brand new 12-day-old son. Miranda posted this picture of leche time as well as a few words about her new bundle of awww on her blog:

On the 6th of January I gave birth to our beautiful little son Flynn. We cherish him. He weighed 9lb 12 ounces (a very healthy and big baby boy). I gave birth to him naturally; without drugs or painkillers and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it. I could not have done it without him.

Thank you everyone for your beautiful well wishes and your lovely thoughts and comments. I haven’t had a lot of time to read many comments or to respond, but please know I will when I do get a chance.

The attached picture is one that Orlando took of us.

Much love Miranda and Orlando

Birthing a 10 pound baby without lining her spine with epidural after epidural? Bitch must’ve had the Fellowship of ALL the Rings in the delivery room with her. Gandalf was throwing all kinds of “coochie loosening” spells in there.

And as for the name Flynn…. I once knew a Pomeranian named Flynn who always bit at my ex-boyfriend’s feet, so I actually like the name. But Flynn paired with Kerr-Bloom sounds like my drunk ass slurring every which way while trying to order a flavored sake bomb. Miranda and Orlando are working with “Kerr-Bloom” and they throw Flynn in front of it? They could’ve went with something like Co Kerr-Bloom, or Po Kerr-Bloom, or Bam Kerr-Bloom. Something that really puts the BOOM in Bloom.

via ONTD

The End Of Katie Price & Roxy Baby

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Katie Price has finally announced that her 11-month-old marriage to cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid is about as numb as the feeling in her nipples after having a dozen titty rotations. There have been rumors for weeks that Alex is moving his dick-tucking panties and fishnet bodysuits out of their marital home, and now Katie has confirmed it in a statement that will take you more than 11 months to read.

Katie should’ve let Harvey write this statement, because he would’ve kept it simple and right. Harvey would’ve wrote, “ALEX! FAMEWHORE! USER! LIAR! MANIPULATOR! HEART HURTER! CRACKERS!” Okay, crackers have nothing to do with Alex. Harvey just loves them (File under: things I’ve learned while reading all of Katie’s shit autobiographies).

Below is Katie’s full statement. Cancel your plans and attach yourself to an IV drip filled with vodka if you’re going in, because it will take you all night.

“Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly – we all make mistakes and this was one.

However, Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difficult for me to understand and caused issues. I have tried to help him with these issues but they have put a considerable strain on our relationship.

Our difficulties were also not helped by Alex becoming more fascinated by life in the media eye. Obviously I cannot be critical of someone wanting to do this and originally I tried to help him with his career by getting him contracts with my production company. If Alex wants to honour those contracts, the production company is more than happy to do so.

However, Alex’s desire to promote himself caused a change in the dynamic of our relationship and contributed to our alienation.

Alex and I have spent many hours discussing our relationship and trying to make it work but the issues between us are too deep rooted. I had hoped that we could end our relationship amicably and without a war of words in the media.

I appreciate that there are those that will not believe that but I had agreed I would say nothing more than the statement we had jointly prepared. This was not because I am concerned what Alex may truthfully disclose but to give him comfort that I would not discuss the issues that so strained our relationship.

I had hoped that Alex and I could remain friends but I am not sure if that is possible given events since last Sunday when we were on the verge of releasing a statement. Alex asked that we did not release any statement because he wanted more time to think.

The intervening period has, however, seen a number of false stories appear and photographs of Alex with my son Junior in the gym which it is absolutely clear were posed for. Alex is fully aware that I have sought to remove my children from the public eye now they are of an age to understand and be affected by media coverage of them.

I feel incredibly let down that he did this while asking me for more time to discuss our relationship and just hope that the stories circulating that he sold those pictures are not true.

It is true that I have asked Alex to leave the family home and that he will not do so. I would leave myself but the house is equipped for Harvey’s needs. Alex would like to portray himself as honourable and I hope he acts that way.

Contrary to some reports I have not discussed financial matters with my divorce lawyers. I would like to make clear that the allegations that I have been dragging out any announcement so that my film crew can capture on film Alex’s upset are complete fabrication.

I am deeply upset that my relationship with Alex has failed but I know it is the right thing for my children and I that we separate. My children are my absolute priority in this and they are being shielded from what is happening.”

You know, it’s kind of a cunty move on Katie’s part to write a statement that her estranged husband can’t read on his own. She lost him at “behaviour,” because that’s when the cartoon stars circled around him and the words “HERP DERP” filled his empty head.

And condolences to the British public who will be attacked with non-stop covers of OK! starring Katie and Alex’s hemorrhoid faces. Hopefully, OK! eases the pain by throwing a Harvey cover in there every now and again.

Which One Is The Cardboard Cutout?

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Never mind that Justin Bieber stole his 3D glasses from a candy raver circa 1997, it’s a little bizarre that his magical locks made from the dreams of solid gold unicorns look positively bland next to St. Angie Jolie’s high halo. Yes, that’s a halo (or maybe Brad Pitt is crouching behind her with a spotlight held over his head). Angie is probably so confused when she posed for this picture at the Golden Globes. She doesn’t know whether she wants to adopt him or date him.

Eat your vag out, Jenny Shimizu, because it looks like Angie’s got a new lezzie of choice!

And meeting Bieber wasn’t the only magical event Angie took part in that night. There was also this:

Leave it to Michael Douglas to part the emerald sea with his photobomb. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angie are trying to out-beauty one another, but little do they know that Michael Douglas took this one.

Afternoon Crumbs

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

The first look at the cast of X-Men: First Class. At least, they say this is from X-Men even though January Jones looks like she’s starring in Victoria’s Secret Angels: The Movie Just Jared

Sandra Bullock and ScarJo met up at the Golden Globes and I’m really hoping the latter said to the former, “What’s my pussay juice taste like since you’re obviously licking it off my sloppy seconds.” – Lainey Gossip

January Jones and Jason Sudontmakemecopyandpastehislastname are not licking on each other’s genitals at this moment – The Superficial

This article on jizz allergies is like the worst episode of the Twilight Zone ever – Towleroad

The Sister Wives are moving to Nevada – Celebitchy

The other Leighton Meester in GQ (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Brit Brit making the “rest stop hooker who tricks for cigs” look seem elegant – Hollywood Tuna

Worse. Worse. Better. Better. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. – The Berry

Why is Zuma Nesta dressed like an old timey carnie? – Popsugar

I love how he’s acting hard when he’s got flying dragons (or whatever that is) on his jeans – NYC Barstool Sports

There’s a special place in the underworld for little boys who scare their memaws with plastic snakes – TDW

Cameron Diaz is straight-up wearing a potato sack as a sweater – Popoholic

Kanye West is just kidding about the Brit Brit thing – I’m Not Obsessed

The rest of the awkward pictures from Kristen Stewart’s Vogue spread – ICYDK

Tara Reid’s new dude looks really into her ass – Hollywood Rag

Dumbasses blowing shit up – Cityrag

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Open Post: Hosted By Sammy Sosa

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Two years ago, Sammy Sosa showed up to the Latin Grammys looking like the head make-up artist on White Chicks put way too much cream in his coffee. Sammy blamed it on a cosmetic cream and his skin turned back to its natural color a few months later. Well, I guess somebody mixed Sammy’s moisturizer and toner with Sun-In and Clorox again, because he showed up to Pitbull’s 30th birthday party in Miami looking an undercooked turkey meatball.

Here’s a few more pictures Sammy with his wife Sonia (who looks like the missing Kardashian), Pitbull, Lia Ames and Omega at Club Play on Saturday night.

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Nothing Breaks Your Heart Like A Box Of New Dicks

January 18, 2011 / Posted by:

Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife’s best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy’s literary work of lesbian realness, let’s get the supposed facts about Melissa’s new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).

One of Melissa’s friends say that she’s been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa’s best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.

In a blog post titled “speak, spread walk the talk“, Tammy writes that People’s story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a “something in the milk ain’t clean” moment when Melissa’s assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:

i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn’t know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out

indeed

three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up

i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”

one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented

Nothing says “out with the old vagina dust and in with the new” like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, “I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter.” Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.

Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa’s new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa’s album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy’s begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.

so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i’m here to clarify. well… i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven’t gone just that far yet.

since april of 09? mmm…. one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.

they should have shut the bedroom door.

and once again… if we’re going to have little “leaks” and such… let’s make them truthful?

perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. “speak true and spread the peace” of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn’t believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?

spread the peace? speak true.

and i found better friends. real friends.

and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.

……

in other words-
it’s not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i’m interesting like that:
i’d rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone’s secret
i guess?
i don’t know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no “new couple!”
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
🙂

Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn’t say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I’ve never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy’s life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they’d make together? Actually, don’t imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.

And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy’s blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!

(Thanks Lauren Ashley)

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