The Real Sexual Napalm

March 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Here we have Mah Boo Anderson Cooper throwing Jessica Simpson a “So you think your no-no makes dicks go boom?” look at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party on Sunday night.

Seriously, if John Mayer thinks Jessica has the stuff to cause crotch explosions, then he obviously doesn’t know about the Silver Fox’s powers. Don’t let Mah Boo’s size fool you. He might look like a baby Whippet next to Jessica’s bull dog body, but he just has to purse his mouth lips to make b-holes detonate.*

*I’m speaking from experience. It looks like Chernobyl down there.

Lindsay Lohan’s Delusions Know No Bounds

March 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Every dealer in the world has refused to give Lindsay Lohan another IOU and her checking account is as washed up as her career, so what is she to do to keep her nostrils tingling? Well, Blohan is trying to make a quick dollar by doing things the American way: filing a frivolous lawsuit that has absolutely no merit.

According to the New York Post, Blohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit against E-Trade, because she believes that a milkaholic baby named Lindsay featured in their latest commercial is a parody of her life. Lindsay’s lawyer, Scrappy Doo (Scooby was busy doing more important things), is arguing that Lindsay is single-name famous like Oprah or Madonna.

HA! This is the funniest thing Lindsay Lohan has done in years! Bitch is the Charlie Chaplin of plaintiffs!

In the filing, Lindsay’s lawyer argues (make sure to mute the laugh track in your head so you can focus on this ridiculousness), “Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit. They used the name Lindsay. They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.

Note to Blohan: I don’t think White Oprah, Ali Lohan and all the voices in your head count as “everybody.” In fact, that counts as “nobody.”

Blohan wants $50 million in exemplary damages and another $50 million in compensatory damages.

A rep for the company who produced the commercial said they weren’t even thinking of Lindsay Lohan when they named the milkaholic baby. They used “Lindsay,” because it’s popular and happens to be the name of one of their employees.

Here’s the commercial in question. You be the judge (SPOILER ALERT: You will bring the gavel down on Blohan’s head and throw her in the clink for wasting everyone’s time):

I mean, I know Blohan regularly spits up, constantly poops her pants and stays away from solid foods, but the similarities stop there. Baby Lindsay isn’t the color of a spoiled naranja and doesn’t have lips like my chihuahua’s anal glands.

Betty White Wins Again!

March 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Lorne Michaels recently said that he’s in talks with Betty White to appear on Saturday Night Live, but it hasn’t been confirmed CONFIRMED until now! At an Oscar party on Sunday, Betty White told People that she is doing SNL. Betty didn’t say if she going to be a part of the “Women of Comedy” with Tina Fey or if she’s going to handle that bitch by herself. Betty’s lips are sealed for now.

You now have a reason to take a piece of cheesecake, throw it in a blender, add a bottle of anything that’s 90 proof or more, pulse away until it’s the consistency of puppy barf and then chug away while humming the Golden Girls theme song. Actually, once you drink it, I think your bowels will hum the Golden Girls theme song for you.

And if you don’t have cheesecake, you can make this “refreshing” coffee cocktail courtesy of everyone’s favorite drunktard Sandra Lee! It’s basically Sanka, stale coffee beans, heavy cream and every kind of li-kooooor you’ve got in your cabinet. Gorgeous!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 9, 2010 / Posted by:

Barbara Bach – actress, model and wife of Ringo Starr

Last night I was watching the “gliding down a staircase” extravaganza that is the Barbara Walters Oscar Special (R.I.P.) and they were showing clips from the past including an interview with Ringo Starr and his wife Barbara Bach. I had completely forgotten about the beauty of Barbara Bach, so it was nice to be reminded.

Barbara has done a few movies, but she’s best known for playing Bond girl Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me. Barbara has pretty much retired from acting and modeling. Nowadays she spends her time wearing 3D glasses in dark theaters with her husband. Like this:

Also, Barbara Bach is one “r” away from being candy and that’s a very special thing.


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