Wearing a brand new afro wig fresh from the polyester farm, the golden seahorse that is Antoine Dodson performed a holiday version of his auto-tuned hit “The Bed Intruder Song” called “The Chimney Intruder Song” on Lopez Tonight. I hope Antoine is making millions upon millions of dollars and I can’t wait to see him perform “The Colostomy Bag Intruder Song” in 50 years, but this mess made me want to hide my speakers and hide my monitor. But I didn’t hit the little x on my browser tab, because how can I shut the door on ‘Toine’s beautiful foundation-glazed face?
The truth is, I don’t know what the truth is. We need to curl up around Nana Lohan’s chair so she can hand feed us freshly baked gingerbread cookies while telling us the REAL TRUTH. But until then, I don’t know what to believe. A lot has happened since Palm Springs police put up their monocles and started investigating the claim against Lindsay Lohan by a Betty Ford chemical dependency technician. The chemical technician who goes by the name Dawn Holland went on workers comp, because she says LiLo screwed up her fappin’ hand and now she can’t use it at work. Dawn told her side of the drama to TMZ and was quickly fired by Betty Ford for doing so. Radar also alleges that TMZ slipped around $10,000 under Dawn’s arm cast to talk to them. Thanks, Dawn, you’ve just spit out a bullet for White Oprah to load into her delusion-spewing gun.
In a video interview with TMZ that was shot in the pouring rain under a totally distracting neon green umbrella, Dawn, who may or may not be a missing Pointer Sister, puts all the blame on LiLo. According to Dawn, LiLo brought massive doses of cuntness on top of her and refused to take a Breathalyzer after she broke curfew. Dawn says that LiLo reeked of The Hoff’s used floss (aka like pure booze) and called her several Dlisted-approved names like “bitch” and “cunt.” Dawn says that the other 2 patients were completely calm and compliant, but LiLo acted like a total spoiled bitch (“That’s my baby!” – White Oprah) and pushed at her before going inside the house to call 911. After LiLo had a few words with the 911 operator, she handed over the phone to Dawn. As Dawn tried to explain to the operator what was going on, LiLo continued to barf up CUNT word after CUNT word. LiLo then yanked the phone out of Dawn’s hand, causing it to sprain. That’s Dawn’s side.
Betty Ford pink-slipped Dawn right after the interview went live on TMZ for violating patient confidentiality. Dawn says that she only spoke to TMZ because LiLo was trying to get her fired and she wanted to tell her side of the drama.
LiLo is telling her friends that she’s the innocent one in all of this. She wasn’t even with her roommates before the shit went down. She was getting her weave groomed, or something. LiLo claims that Dawn is the one who pushed her so hard that she started to cry. As for the Breathalyzer test, LiLo wanted to take one, but Dawn is the one who refused her.
And about that Breathalyzer test, according to the incident reported snatched up by TMZ, White Oprah told her precious child not to submit to one. Right after Dawn demanded a test from LiLo, she called up The Great Enabler who told her she didn’t have take a Breathalyzer. Oh, that White Oprah. Always finding ways to prove to us that she’s THE FUCKING WORST.
You know, LiLo could tell me that I’m a filthy whore and I’d still have to check my file at the free clinic before believing her, but that Dawn Holland lady is not helping her case by vomiting everything out to TMZ. Not only that, she’s laying it on too thick with that arm cast. I mean, is her arm filled with newborn unicorn bones? BITCH BOGUS.
LiLo is full of shit and Dawn might be full of shit, so they cancel each other. The only reasonable way to solve this is by putting White Oprah on Death Row. And by death row, I mean put her in a room with no booze, mind-altering substances or fake tanner.
Bobby Brown had little faith in the latest attempt to dislodge Whitney’s doody bubble. – OurMissC
Bad idea to let Jackie Chan do his own movie version of The Mists Of Avalon – zomay
Removing a bit of nutshell from Gary Busey’s teeth takes heroic effort. – USArmyWifeAllOver
If you were Larry King’s last sperm, you’d show off, too. – ProfessorVP
via EPW (Thanks Celeste)
Shlomi Arbeitman, an Israeli footballer who plays for Belgian’s K.A.A. Gent and who has become a viral Internet star in Israel thanks to this interview with a Dutch TV station of him mumbling through English like a drunk Jersey Shore cast member. Best Week Ever says this video is getting all the laughs in Israel, because most of the population is fluent in English and Shlomi sounds like a Speak & Spell on low batteries.
But you know, I didn’t even realize those words coming out of his mouth were some form of the English language, because he was deafened by the voice in my head screaming “showmepeenshowmepeenshowmepeen” on a loop. Seriously, who the hell cares if his mouth is an English word shredder, look at him! The language of “Let me sit on the tip while stroking those luscious mink stoles over your eyes” is an international one! Besides, if you used Talking Browser on one of my blog posts it would make less sense than Shlomi does.
Shlomi’s interview is such a damn hit that it has spawned parody after parody including this one:
Ralph Fiennes (48)
Ali Lohan (17)
Jordin Sparks (21)
Jennifer Hawkins (27)
Chris Carmack (30)
Mia Tyler (32)
Heather Donahue (36)
Vanessa Paradis (38)
Dina Meyer (42)
Luther Campbell (50)
Bern Nadette Stanis (57)
Robin Gibb (61)
Diane Sawyer (65)
Hector Elizondo (74)
One of the rules of life is that if you’re ever in the pitch black darkness, you never ever stick something in your eye without licking it first to make sure it’s not going to leave you looking like you should be barking at the crew to swab the poop deck while a damn ass parrot squawks on your shoulder. Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Prince Von Anhalt did not follow this rule and it almost cost him his eyeball.
Prince Von A-Hole’s spokeswhore tells CNN that he will be wearing an eye patch for the next two weeks because he accidentally squirted his eye with Zsa Zsa’s nail glue instead of Visine. Prince Von A-Hole’s excuse is that “it was dark” and “it was a stupid thing to do.”
This is obviously a sign. It was only a few months ago when the prince’s pie hole almost went mute after a bee flew into his mouth and stung the shit out of his throat. And now he almost goes blind from his own dumbfoolery? What’s next? Dude is going to stick a pair of baby black widows in his ear holes instead of headphones? Someone is trying to make sure that Prince Von A-Hole won’t be able to text or talk out messages to the media. To which I say to that someone, TRY HARDER!