Open Post: Hosted By Assquatch

February 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Andre Leon Talley stomped through the tents at Fashion Week in NYC yesterday challenging Peta to come at him with a flour bomb. You can tell Bigfoof is ready to rumble. Underneath that stole of furry death, he’s got on his scrappin’ clothes. That’s basically the same outfit my cousins would wear when getting ready to jump a bitch for trying to get with their man.

Andre can’t wait for Peta to flour bomb his ass, so he can take that flour, mix it with some of his titty leche, bake it between his ass cheeks and eat that cake in front of them while lying naked on that fur blanket.

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Tila Tequila Is Right On Cue

February 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, professional wolf-crier Tila Tequila went to the hospital after what’s left of her brain tried to escape causing her to fall and hit her head against the wall. Tila Tweeted the entire thing. Of course, those of you who have been following this charade figured Tila’s “concussion” was just a prelude to her grabbing at her womb all dramatic-like and proclaiming the loss of her hoax baby. Well, Tila has not let you down, because this morning she Tweeted about the pains she’s feeling in her stomach. Just picture Bobby Trendy acting this out. It’s make it much more bearable.

It hurts so bad I literally woke up from my sleep….i dont know whats wrong? God this pain is too much!! I cant bare it =( a
bout 2 hours ago from web

Something is definitely wrong. The hospital gave me a list of symptoms & this is one of them. They said if I do I need 2 go back 2 hospital
about 2 hours ago from web

God i hope nothing is wrong. Im literally crying right now cuz I can barely move. its like sharp knife stabbing pains thats unbearable =(
about 2 hours ago from web

I told my friend I would just kill myself if anything ever happened….bad….cuz thats the only thing I live & work hard for.
about 2 hours ago from web

Im crying right now. I know there is something wrong. I never felt this much pain there before. I would just die. Please God dont do this.
about 2 hours ago from web

I REFUSE to go to the hospital. I did last time and look what happened? Media EXPLOITS all of my pains and serious accidents. NOT OK
about 2 hours ago from web

If I die at least I will be with my wife. Sometimes I have those thoughts. Sometimes I get mad at her 4 leaving. Sometimes I feel like going
about 2 hours ago from web

Tila goes on and on before she suddenly forgets about the possibly dying fetus in her womb and announces that she’s adopting a baby from Russia.

ATTENTION EVERYONE! I have been APPROVED to adopt my own baby boy 2-3 years old from RUSSIA!!!! I will be his Mommy by the end of the year!!
31 minutes ago from web

THIS IS 100% CONFIRMED!!!!! I’M GOING TO ADOPT A BABY BOY ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD FROM RUSSIA AND IM GOING TO BE HIS MOMMY! SO HAPPY!!!
15 minutes ago from web

AHHH IM SO HAPPY I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IN WORDS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW! THEN I WILL SPEND A MONTH IN RUSSIA WITH MY NEW SON 2 BOND WITH HIM!
15 minutes ago from web

This is seriously the WORST “Choose Your Own Adventure” book I’ve ever read. I’ll trade your copy of “The Cave Of Time” for this mess. I mean, I can’t. Shit, none of us!

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Let’s Not Talk About Christina Hendrick’s Body…..

February 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Christina Hendricks is really trying to fuck with us. In an interview with New York Magazine, she says talking about her body gives her the yawns (exact quote: “It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Back when I was modeling, if someone said ‘I’m fasting,’ I would say, ‘Can’t we talk about something else?’”). But here she is on the cover looking like Redpunzel trying to smuggle two gigantic onions past the garden witch. And yes, gigantic onion exist. This pepaw grows them:

Back to Christina. How am I supposed to save my keystrokes and not cyber slobber on and on about her magnificent chichis. That is impossible. You can’t just put a dozen cupcakes in front of STAINS and expect him to not slowly lick them with his eyes. But just this once, I won’t write a long haiku about how her chichis look like the ethereal pathway to heaven. Or how if you motorboat her long enough, you will see God winking back at you. I won’t do that. Instead I’ll silently Photoshop myself leaping from one chichi to another like Shelley Long in Outrageous Fortune.

Heather Mills Is As Broke As She Looks

February 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Heather Mills has confessed that she’s pretty much blown through her £24.3 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in less than two years. As soon as the money dropped into her checking account, Heather said she immediately handed it over to various charities. You know, because she’s like the Robin Hood of gold digging whores.

Heather said on a show called Shrink Rap (via DS), “Most of it’s been given to charity, gone into ethical businesses or paid for a couple of properties for my daughter’s future security. I could never sit with millions of pounds in the bank that could make matters change.”

That quote right there should cause Paul McCartney to legally change his name, buy a new social security number online, move to the Artic and keep all of his money in a box made out of bloody beef steaks, because Heather is hopping back for more. It’s only a matter of time before she drags Paul back to court to drop another glass of water on his lawyer’s head and collect another bag of money.

Brit Brit’s Romantic Valentine’s Day Lunch

February 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Brit Brit Spears and her equally raggedy ass boyfriend Jason Trainwreck rolled through a McDonald’s drive-thru yesterday afternoon for a romantic Valentine’s Day hangover lunch since there’s no Waffle Houses in California.

Just let me believe that they went home, moved the plastic KMart patio table from the backyard to the family room, threw a white sheet over it, decorated it with plastic flowers (from a centerpiece stolen from one of her cousin’s weddings) and tealights, and then had themselves a VD meal fit for a Cheetoling! They serenaded themselves with Big Mac farts and Coke burps. This is exactly how I expect Brit Brit to spend her Valentine’s Day.

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