About That Rug On Jason Alexander’s Head…..

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Seeing Jason Alexander without a half-nekkid head is as weird as seeing one of your old high school teachers on Grindr or like walking in on your abuelita changing from her day bra into her sleeping bra. It’s a little weird. When Jason Alexander first came out with a teddy bear’s butt cheek on his head, I figured it was for a role or maybe IN THIS ECONOMY he wanted to save money on SPF by wearing a hairbrella of sorts. But Jason says I figured wrong. Jason went on Twitter to explain that his head hairs have been quitting him since he was 17 and he wanted to be seen as something other than the “funny bald guy.” Jason’s long ass monologue about his toupee is here, but below is a piece of it.

What you see on my head is a really good, semi-permanent hairpiece. By semi-permanent I mean that I can wear it constantly for weeks at a time, if I so choose. I can swim, shower, work out — whatever. It stays on. Or I can take it off any time of any day I choose. The reason it looks thin is that I challenged my designer to make me a piece that would look very similar to the way I did 10 years ago. So, it looks like a guy who is losing his hair and isn’t an artificial mop of hair that I never had. The designer was dubious at first but he actually loves the look now. And the fact is that we are still playing around with the shape and density to make it as flattering and natural looking as we can.

In a few weeks, I may very well talk about who makes this system so that you can pursue it with them if you wish. But in general, for those men and women who have hair loss issues, I can tell you that these systems have become very easy to wear, very easy to handle and the adhesives that have developed give you great flexibility in regard to how often and how long you wear your system.

Good for Jason for coming clean about the piece on his head unlike certain wheezy old goat-footed queens that I will not name here. JOHN TRAVOLTA! But Jason is so serious about this shit (example: use of the word “dubious“) and sounds like he’s reading a testimonial for Jeremy Piven’s wiglet collection. It’s just a hair tile! It’s not that serious, but it’s still your duty to yank it off and throw it out of the window if you come face to hair piece with it.

If Jason’s hair rug doesn’t work out, he can give it to the moles who will raise it as their own or he can dye it green and give to a little girl who can use it as a putting green for her Barbie.

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Afternoon Crumbs

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

The Pregnant Dude pushed out another one! – Just Jared

Kristen Stewart as Butch White – Lainey Gossip

It’s almost fittingly artistic the way it looks like a car wash scrubby curtain is wiping against Kim Kardashian’s chocha – The Superficial

Gay Glee Homewrecker Alert! – Towleroad

I’m sure the Northern Irish farmer put RiRi’s$20 for a blow, $50 for a lay” look together for her – Hollywood Tuna

The Lone Ranger has been pulled out of its coffin and will ride again – Sindication

Well, at least Uniboob Lady can get a role in the Total Recall remake – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The clearance bin Cindy Crawford got dumped again – Celebitchy

Gaycrest must’ve borrowed Tommy Girl’s lifts and Julianne Hough borrowed Katie Holmes’ slouch – Popsugar

This sad shit is not what I had in mind when I Googled “dude getting a hummer” – The Daily What

Ann Jillian is looking hot – Popoholic

Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks found love in a hopeless place – ICYDK

A whole lot of JTTThe Berry

Tammy Lynn Michaels now has a perfect place to put the box of dildos Melissa Etheridge accidentally had delivered to her house – I’m Not Obsessed

Amber Rose still exists – Hollywood Rag

BABIES!!!!, here’s one with Alyssa MilanoSOW

Stacy Keibler reminds us all that she’s still humping on George Clooney by going to his premiere – Moe Jackson

ASSPEE SimpsonCityrag

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Jennifer Aniston’s Official Response

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston won’t comment on the shit-stirring ladle that Brad Pitt threw up, but why waste vowels when she can say everything in a bunch of photos that will soon replace the pictures she keeps in her wallet of her Cabbage Patch Doll babies in their first day of school outfits. Terry Richardson took this photographic series titled “Guess Who’s Dull Now, Brad?! Still Me? Okay.” of his friend Justin Theroux and Jennifer on top of a roof in NYC somewhere, and posted them on his site today.

Yes, these are Terry Richardson originals. But where is the white backdrop? Where are the exposed nipples? Where is the lighting that makes the pictures look like they were taken in a basement with a door that has no inside knob on it? But more importantly, where are the cum splatters? It’s not a Terry Richardson original until I can look at it and say, “Exquisite composition. I really appreciate the way that man chowder is splattered all over that shoulder bone.

So the next time Terry shoots Jennifer and her leased piece (and there will be a next time), there needs to be more nipples and peen leche. JIZZ or the GTFO!

Open Post: Hosted By The Silver Fox Losing His Spinach Virginity

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

I’m not a Nielsen family, but I record myself watching Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show live every single day and then I send that disc off to whoever counts the ratings with a note that reads: COUNT THIS! COUNT THIS! Because I am a very supportive imaginary stalker boyfriend no matter what. But after every episode, I change out of my AC Show-watching uniform (aka a Gloria Vanderbilt denim jumpsuit) while asking myself: What in three fucks are you doing, Andy?!

Don’t get my allegiance wrong, I’d watch Mah Boo wax the fur off of every Kardashian’s ass for three hours straight (he’s saving that for sweeps), but damn his show can be ridiculous. And Andy earned himself a permanent place on top of his own RidicuList during yesterday’s show when he revealed something personal that he’s never publicly admitted: HE’S NEVER PUT SPINACH IN HIS MOUTH! Even Olive Oyl was like, “And, Andy?

Andy could’ve at least pulled some Maury shit by pretending he suffered from some a spinach phobia. That way when they brought out the plate of spinach, he could’ve jumped through that window wall and glided to safety on the trail of bubbles that come out of his mouth when he giggles. But no, he just made gross faces while eating the spinach. Don’t even bring up the fact that Andy doesn’t drink coffee when I drink so much that I practically shit out Tiramisu.

That being said, you know I still recorded Andy saying “It’s slithery!” and programmed that into my electronic talking lube bank.

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Jessica Alba Just Had To Tell Us Why She Named Her Daughter Haven

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine’s cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you’re eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.

“When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: ‘Look at this!’ I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: ‘Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!’ The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.

When I was in recovery we still hadn’t chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her ‘safe haven’ and it clicked right then for both of us.”

Couldn’t MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would’ve been a better name than Haven.

via Digital Spy

Snooki Lost Some Chunk Thanks To Diet Pills

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Snooki is the epitome of wellness and health so I’m sure you were sitting there thinking that she got her new midget JWoww body from fist pumping the pounds away and sweating the fat off while trying to wrap her kooka milanese around Vinny’s watermelon dick, but nope! The Daily Mail points to Snooki’s Twitter page where yesterday she admitted that along with the cocktail of meds the CDC makes her swallow with a giant glass of pickle water, she also eats a diet pill called Zantrex. This makes sense since Snooki has what I like to call diet pill face, which is meth face’s first cousin. The skinniest Ewok on Endor said this on Twitter:

Glad to hear reports that say I look good =) but it’s not because of HCG! Thanks @Zantrex!

One of my followers asked if I was a paid spokesperson for zantrex…yes haven’t you seen the ads in Star?

The DM says that eating Zantrex might give you the these fun side-effects: palpitations, anxiety, cold sweats, nausea, diarrhea, increased heart rate and irritability.

That’s funny. Those are the some side-effects a trick gets after eating Snooki.

I took diet pills once and the only thing it did for me was show me what a day in the life of an incontinent tweaker is like. When I wasn’t shaking, I was shaking the shit out. It was a mess. The inside of my toilet looked like a Jackson Pollock (Jackson Poollock?) painting. I didn’t lose a pound, but I did lose 48 hours of sleep and whatever feeling I had left my no-no so it was a non-stop party. If that’s Snooki’s idea of a good time, then I say shake and shit your way to thinness, bitch.

And since Snooki is in a dieting mood, she needs to purge the expired bronzer and lipstick (in shade: “slug shit“) from her make-up box. Unless she wants to look like Mr. Hankey in drag as Aunt Magda.

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