And here’s another “Harpo, who dis woman?” moment brought to you by the fuckery makers over at Esquire!
At first, I had no idea who the hell this was. Then I thought maybe this is one of those “perfect woman” hybrids. You know, where they create the perfect woman by taking Julianne Moore’s eyes, Janet Jackson’s second nose, Jessica Biel’s bottom lip, Carrot Top’s mane, Rojo Caliente’s flavor, etc.. etc…. But no, apparently this Christina Hendricks giving us just an appetizer of titty. Whoever is responsible for Photoshopping needed to stop staring at her chichis while working on her face. I know they are a magnificent sight to behold, but DAMN!
Here we have genital awakener Alexander Skarsgard getting close to Kate Bosworth at Coachella yesterday. The two have never come out and said that they are bumping nipples in the night, so let’s just assume they are friends. Maybe Askars isn’t resisting the urge to hump her lips with his. Maybe he’s just trying to find a gentle way of telling her that she’s got food caca all up in her teefs. Or maybe he’s trying to glamour her into going back to the hotel to change her dress so she doesn’t look like a crocheted dildo cozy. Yeah, that’s it.
This is the confirmation we finally need to officially declare Vivienne Jolie-Pitt a chosen one. Yes, Vivienne was brought to this earth on a cloud of God’s warm bref by a dozen virginal angels humming a Yanni song, but that doesn’t really mean anything. However, Vivienne’s baby mullet does! Baby mullet = the second coming. We can now gather at her feet and pray to her baby mullet.
Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer’s Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You’re getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.
John’s David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what’s good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John’s dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It’s best he back away and play with girls his own speed.
Anways, here’s more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I’m not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!
Priscilla Caputo (formerly known as Priscilla Russo) – model, actress, host, collagen hoarder, owner of a pair of museum-worthy eyebrows and Howard the Duck’s favorite wet dream girl!
From what my ass gathered through Google searches, it seems Priscilla sometimes models, sometimes acts in stuff, sometimes hosts crap, but mostly she shows up to events looking like antiduckface.com just exploded all over her mouth. A VISION! Basically, Priscilla is a beautiful sight for sore anal glands.
Everybody should get a glance of Priscilla’s beauty at least once in their lives. Unfortunately, not every creature will get a piece of Priscilla’s gorgeousness since I’m sure she’s been banned from every zoo on the planet. When Priscilla shows up to the zoo, the chimps and baboons get a serious case of the weepies because they know their genitals and anuses will never EVER be able to compete with her plumpity plump lips. And they are right.
Here’s more of the ravishing Priscilla who probably applies lipstick with a paint sprayer. Lisa Rinna, kindly take a seat.
Posh Beckham (36)
Monet Mazur (34)
Jennifer Garner (38)
Liz Phair (43)
Kimberly Elise (43)
Henry Ian Cusick (43)
William Mapother (45)
Maynard James Keenan (46)
Lela Rochon (46)
Sean Bean (51)
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper (56)
Olivia Hussey (59)
Nick Hornby (59)
L. Scott Caldwell (60)