Etta James (72)
Alicia Keys (29)
Christine Lakin (31)
Mia Kirshner (35)
Ana Ortiz (39)
Dinah Manoff (52)
Jenifer Lewis (53)
The Honky Tonk Man (57)
Anita Pallenberg (66)
Leiji Matsumoto (72)
Dean Jones (79)
People Magazine is trying to kill your buzz by saying that the feel good story of the year is a falsity (copyright: some hot bitch on Judge Judy)!!
Last night, The News of the World shouted across the internet that St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad split up for real real and were going to release an official announcement any day now. Well, a few sources are saying that the end of the world is not near, because Brangie is not breaking up.
One source said, “Everything is fine.” And Brangelina’s rep, Jesus Christ, tells Just Jared that the News of the World’s story is “total b.s. (which stands for Brangie semen).”
So if you’ve got a Brangaloonie for a neighbor, you can knock on the wall and tell them to stop chanting lines from Mr. & Mrs. Smith in piglatin (the Brangaloonie version of talking in tongues). And don’t worry about Aniston, bitch got hers. I’m sure last night’s headline gave her the best orgasm in months!
Okay, okay, so let’s fart about last night’s Saggy Awards, but only because they honored Betty White as the greatest living organism in the known universe. Betty, whose delicious eyebrows are made out of melted caramel, was given the lifetime achievement award for entertaining us for the past 300 years (or something).
Unfortunately, Betty’s partner in cheesecakery Rue McClanhan is currently laid up in her boudoir, so she was unable to attend. Instead, boring ass Sandra Bullock had to present Betty with the award. Above is Betty’s speech. It’s best if you watch it while sipping on a Cheesecake-tini on a rattan chair.
The other hos who walked away last night with a moldy dude statute included the usual suspects (i.e. Jeff Bridges, Mo’Nique, Alec Baldwin, Basterds etc… etc..). Click here for a full list.
And here’s some pictures of a bunch of dresses you will see knock-off versions of at Windsor Fashions. In order: Joan Allen (wearing Brit Brit’s dingle-covered weave as a necklace), Patricia Arquette, Drew Barrymore, drunk ass Mimi, Tina Fey, Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Christina Hendricks (who kept heart rates normal by covering up her coronary-inducing chichis), Kate Hudson, Diane Kruger, Glamberace, Sophia Loren, Gabourey Sidibe, Meryl Streep, Betty Betty, the cast of Glee, the cast of Mad Men, Mo’Nique and Nicole Kidman.
Just when I was about to cover last night’s SAG Awards, I came across these amazing pictures of Pamela Anderson promoting her fragrance Malibu at a Rite-Aid in Ardmore, Pennyslvania. DING! DING! DING! We have a winner for the most glamorous event held on January 23, 2010! This picture should accompany the definition of the word “glamour” in Webster’s Dictionary.
Do not throw any shade towards Pamela, because does Saks Fifth Avenue sell personal lubricants in addition to having its own pharmacy? I think not. I mean, wouldn’t it just make your life if Pamela autographed your bottle of Valtrex?
Andy Dick was escorted to the nearest jail cell in Huntington, West Virginia yesterday morning after he was accused of molesting someone at a bar. Since Tricky Dicky has a history of illegally fondling lady titties, I figured he had groped another pair of breasts. But EW.com says that Dicky the Molester didn’t put his hands on a woman. No, Andy is accused of grabbing the crotch of a male bouncer and forcibly kissing another dude at the bar.
Jonathan Kraft, the guy Andy tried to tongue fuck in the mouth, tells TMZ that he’s not going to press charges. Jonathan said that when Andy gave him mouth-to-mouth, he simply swatted him off by saying, “I’m not down with that.” Jonathan went on to say that he felt the charges were dumb and that Andy is “nationally known as a weird guy.” Everyone else at the bar said Andy was really out of it, but I think that goes without saying.
Andy was released on $60,000 bail yesterday. On February 2nd, Andy will have to show up in court to answer to the two felony counts of sexual abuse.
The thing is, Andy continues to let his hands wander into restricted areas over and over again. Bitch is not learning his lesson. Someone needs to take him back to kindergarten so the teacher can hand him a saltine with peanut butter on it and explain to him that when he gets the urge to grope, he needs to stick his hands up his own ass before it’s too late.
Andy either needs to quit riding on the bad shit express, or he needs to put on a straitjacket when he ventures out in public.
You know that woman in the accounting department of your office. The woman who eats the same lunch (a Healthy Choice meal, a bag of Sun Chips and a Diet Sprite) at her desk every single day. The woman who takes her purse with her to the ladies restroom and awkwardly giggles every time she wishes you a “Happy Hump Day” on Wednesdays? Well, little did you know that that woman has the charisma of STAINS, the musical skills of Keyboard Cat, the fashion sense of Cruise Director Julie and the voice three magical wolves howling at a full moon.
This is how that woman spends her weekends. You better treat her like the international treasure she really is, because this song makes you feel like you’re watching the Love Boat sink to the bottom of the ocean while sitting in a rescue dinghy.
It’s a sad time when the the likes of Miley Cyrus and that Ke$ha troll are topping the musical charts and true talent like this gets swept under the YouTube rug. Maxine Swaby and Jan Terri are the ones who should be selling out stadiums. We have failed as a people.
(Thanks to all who sent this shiny gem in)