Robert Shapiro Is Lindsay Lohan’s New Lawyer

July 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Long Island’s very own Grand Dame (the “e” is silent) of Delusion White Oprah recently complained that the media is turning her child’s situation into another OJ Simpson trail. So White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan are distancing themselves from that comparison by hiring OJ’s former fucking lawyer ROBERT SHAPIRO!If the mother isn’t fit! You must acquit!” – Shapiro channeling Cochrane

I swear. White Oprah’s last remaining brain cell is a runaway white Bronco that just doesn’t stop. It runs out of gas and it keeps going. It crashes into the center divider, but it just backs up, shifts into drive and keeps on…

Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro as her new lawyer, but he’s not going to appeal the 90-day jail sentence Judge Marsha threw at her FUCK U nail. Robert is going to try to convince Judge Marsha to put LiLo into rehab instead of jail. Robert’s son died of a drug overdose a few years ago, so he has a lot of experience with rehab facilities. Robert already has his eye on a certain rehab clinic for LiLo.

Wait. If LiLo is completely sober then why would she need to go to rehab at all? Here’s a quote from Enabler the Great in this week’s InTouch Weekly: “Lindsay is sober, yes. She went to rehab before the court ordered her. When I put my daughter in rehab, I knew she needed it. In 2007 — not currently. Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don’t fall through the cracks in this town. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She’s really growing up.” I’m just going to let that quote kick itself.

I will admit that I want to miniaturize myself so that I can jump on Robert’s furry caterpillar brow and ride it through a rose garden after a morning rain, but I’m not sure if Judge Marsha is as easily entertained as I am. So just in case, White Oprah should make room in her chocha for the bottles of fake tan grease she’ll have to smuggle into jail for her child.

The Two Beautiful Words Every Gold Digger Lives To Hear : “NO PRENUP”

July 15, 2010 / Posted by:

When the time came for Camille Donatacci to sign a prenup before getting married to her sugar daddy Kelsey Grammer, she slipped on a neon spandex bodysuit and hypnotized him with some totally awesome radical dance moves from her Club MTV days. The moves left Kelsey all wubba wubba wubba inside so he completely forgot about the prenup and it was never signed! This good news for gold diggers is brought to you by TMZ!

Their sources say that Kelsey married Camille without a prenup in 1997. This means that Kelsey might be living off tossed salad and scrambled eggs (THAT SONG!!!) for a while, because there’s a good chance he’ll have to hand over 50% of any money he made while married to Camille. I’m not sure what Kelsey’s net worth is (Camille probably has it tattooed to her ass), but in 2001 he became the highest paid actor in TV after signing a $75 million deal for two years.

Camille deserves every single penny! If it wasn’t for her Kelsey would be making tossed salad and scrambled eggs (THAT SONG IS KILLING ME!!!) at a Denny’s in Monrovia! How do you think the network executives agreed to pay Kelsey $75 million for two years? Yup. When the negotiations with the executives began to break down, Kelsey opened up the conference room door and out came Camille in her neon spandex bodysuit. Camille busted out her Club MTV moves and you know what happened next. Signed, sealed and delivered thanks to Camille!

I don’t want you to sign over everything you own to Camille, so I won’t post a clip of her dancing. But I will give you this beautiful picture of Camille from her Club MTV days. You might want to clear the room of any pens and transfer slips before staring at it.

Doesn’t the song “Baby, I Got Your Money” just play on a loop in your head when you look into her eyes? If Medusa was a gold digger…

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 15, 2010 / Posted by:

Rachel, the 26-year-old chemist/model/cocktail waitress from Big Brother: The Saboteur

Rachel had me wrapped up in her over processed locks (in Feria shade: Ruby Fusion, thankyouverymuch) on day one when she put on her serious face and said that her castmate Andrew must be Jewish since he wears a Yom Kippur on his head. Then she went on to say that his penis is probably latked and she hopes that he will be out of the house in time to celebrate Chutzpannukah with his family. She didn’t say the last part, but I’d like to think that those thoughts were dancing around her head.

Rachel also got me again when she wasted no time in getting herself a piece of ass in the house. Just a couple of days into the game, Rachel and Brendon started sucking each other’s tongues like two orangutans fighting over an apple. In the Big Brother house, dry humping on a bitch is called STRATEGY! “Oh, I’m only chewing on his nipples while massaging his chode, because it’s part of my game. It’s strategy! HELLO!

Rachel is in danger of going home tonight, but hopefully this will not happen. Rachel just can’t go back to letting frat boys do shots from her belly button by night and making meth (or whatever the hell kind of chemistry stuff she makes) by day! She just can’t!

And I leave you with a modeling picture from Joker’s Updates of a BC (Before Chichics) Rachel with Ruth Bader Ginsburg Steven Tyler.

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