Afternoon Crumbs

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

The Sandalot’s Yeah-Yeah and Ham reunite at an LA Fitness. One looks like he was chemically bred by VH1’s scientists to star in their dating reality shows and the other one is a halo-away from looking like Rojo Caliente’s double – TDW

RiRi’s knee-breaking goat yodel is going to put Wheelchair Jimmy back into a wheelchair – Lainey Gossip

The toned fish scales that Tracy Anderson built – The Superficial

Kim Kardashian SANS FARDS (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Can somebody throw a black eyeliner pen past the North Korea border and see if Taylor Momsen falls for it? – Hollywood Tuna

Why is Natalie Portman wearing Dawn Wiener’s glasses in this trailer for Hesher? – Towleroad

Amazingly exciting pictures from the Just Go With It premiere in Germany – Celebitchy

More of Sofia Vergara in Shape – The Berry

Kelly Brook or Minka Kelly on hormones? – Popoholic

Another reason to love Brit Brit Spears, the trick is at the damn Pizza Shack – Just Jared

Kim Kardashian is a faker. Like she’s ever had trouble with swallowing every drop – ICYDK

Proof that dogs have better driving skills than Lindsay LohanOMG Blog

Diane Kruger works a gown made from her hotel’s shower curtain and rings – Moe Jackson

Matthew Fox hates Hollywood – I’m Not Obsessed

Kingpin Kitten – Cityrag

I would not be surprised if Ciara made those boots herself using old shoe laces, shed snake skin from a pet store and mini-blind tassels – Hollywood Rag

Dianna Agron and Alex Petifourswhatever are really subtle and not obvious at all – SOW

(Image via TMZ)

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Sean Penn And Ramada From Hot Shots!?

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Well, snatch away from chafing dish! It’s Ramada from Hot Shots! leaving a restaurant in Rome with Sean Penn where they “canoodled” (I should have to canoodle with barbed wire every time I type that word) together during dinner. Valeria Golino dipped into the crazy by playing Tommy Girl’s love interest in Rain Man and she swan dove into insanity by doing Hot Shots! with Charlie Sheen, so I’m pretty sure she’s capable of handling Sean Penn. It takes a certain strong bitch to not get contact high from the hot toxic smoke clouds wafting off of the boiling coke boogers in Sean’s nose.

I’m happier than John Travolta’s freed scalp pores to be writing about Valeria Golino (And she was in Big Top Pee-wee AND Four Rooms) even if it’s because of Sean Penn’s insane ass.

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Open Post: Hosted By Thom Yorke Dancing To Single Ladies

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Radiohead’s new video features Thom Yorke dancing like a blind, possessed, drunk and diarrhea-stricken man lizard frantically searching for the nearest empty Port-A-Potty while trying to swat at the invisible demons around him. So naturally, people have taken their video and mashed it with every song ever recorded including Single Ladies. I’d put a ring on it. Specifically, a medical alert ring for his wrist so everybody knows he suffers from full-body seizures when the beat hits him.

via Videogum

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What Divorce Rumors?

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Those string of whispers that came floating out of the basement window about Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage being as dead as Tina Knowles’ fashion sense were snuffed out last night when the two nibbled on a pretzel together at the Lakers some game in L.A. But I’m still sensing trouble in wig paradise… A hot minute after Pete Wentz let the woolly mammoth rise from his head, Ashlee Simpson dropped divorce papers in the slot and moved the hell on. And now Jay-Z is doing the same thing. It takes a few tubs of caramel tinted caulk, 4 contractors and a permit from the city to get Beyonce’s make-up on in the morning, and Jay-Z could easily remove one layer of paint by accidentally brushing his head against her face. Jay-Z better tame that shit if he wants to keep his marriage right.

And I love that Beyonce is wearing LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE shoes at a basketball game.

Joe Jonas Is Not Giving Ashley Greene Anything To Work With

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I’m not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley’s side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like….well…like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can’t Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she’s trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a “meh” from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn’t know the difference between “vintage Coach” and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas’s Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

“The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it’s vintage Coach – and I was like ‘Thanks so much.’ And then I put it on and was like, ‘Oh my god, this is Chanel,’ ” Greene said, letting out a scream.

“It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me,” she said. “Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him … [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like.”

Let’s hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that’s the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the “vintage Coach” shit. “Vintage Coach” is just a fancy way of saying “Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene’s Basement.” And there’s no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene’s Basement.

“Bitch, Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me!” Is The Line Of The Month

February 21, 2011 / Posted by:

Happy Presidents Day to all my fellow citizens of the United States of America! On this special day, we should all give thanks to the presidents who worked so hard to give us the freedom to beat a bitch at a Denny’s in Chicopee, MA over maple syrup. Abraham Lincoln truly believed that you gotta fight for your right to eat your pancakes with maple syrup! Really, what is it about Denny’s that makes hos kiss their fists and brawl like they’re auditioning for a CNN reporter position in Egypt? It happened in Oakland last Halloween, and it happened again at a Denny’s in Chicopee. However, this one was totally justified. When a bitch asks you for maple syrup, you give the bitch your maple syrup. Maple syrup is SERIOUS! The description from YouTube explains it all for you:

The fight started when the couple realized that they had no maple syrup for their pancakes. They asked the table over if they could have some of theirs because their pancakes wouldn’t taste the same without the maple syrup and one of the two girls response was “bitch, your pancakes look fine to me!” And from there, all hell broke loose.

The clip above shows one douchebag re-enacting The Fighter on another douchebag while the one chick argues with the other like her boyfriend is not getting a brain damage special to the head. Homegirl obviously doesn’t care that there’s a chance she might have to spoon feed her boyfriend blended pancakes for the rest of his days.

Once Sugar Ray Pancakes is done raining on the dude with his fists, he grabs his jacket and is about to sashay out of there with his girlfriend. But the dumb little blonde bitches just couldn’t let it be and they open up their yap holes and start talking sideways to the chick they denied maple syrup to. WRONG MOVE. Don’t ever EVER ever screw with a ho who didn’t get to finish her plate of pancakes thanks to you. There’s nothing like a hongray woman scorned. This is what happens:

Damn. That bitch charged at those yappy little girls like they were maple trees and she was trying to punch the sap out of them. And then the other one just stood to the side patiently waiting for her turn to get a fist to the face. Let this be a lesson to you. Give a bitch your maple syrup or the entire Internet world will see your thong.

And I love how everyone in the place is just sitting around doing nothing. They’re like, “I’ve got maple syrup on my table so I’m good.”

via BBS

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