Open Post: Hosted By An Annoyed Dog Who Doesn’t Want To Share
Taiyo here doesn’t want to share his bones with his much-smaller compatriot. So he begins whining and sounds exactly like a creaking door in a haunted house. Animals are the best. My dog hates long car rides and will yelp the entire way and eventually reach a crescendo of sorts and sounds exactly like an annoyed dolphin. Seriously, I expect to see Flipper in the rear-view. And it’s so loud! This is despite his being the same size as the bone thief in the YouTube vid below. My dog would never be caught dead in that terrible outfit, though. Is that a shredded camouflage mini-skirt topped off with some sort of gray activewear top? Talk about tacky and insulting.
Check out the unhappy Taiyo refraining from getting his bone back below.
Mariah Carey Found Her Initial Prenup To Be “Tacky And Insulting”
As you remember, if Mariah Carey gets her way, she will be $50 million richer, because that was the amount designated in her prenup with Australian billionaire James Packer. If “The Emancipation of James Packer’s Money” actually succeeds, she should be lauded and perhaps feared as a powerful sorceress with reality-altering abilities. Because they never even got married! They didn’t even live together long enough for a palimony suit! She wants to be compensated for being briefly engaged! Hey, shaping underwear ain’t cheap!
Rami Malek Is Playing Freddie Mercury
The bug-eyed-and-sexy Emmy winner Rami Malek (aka “Mr. Robot”) is set to play Queen’s flamingly wonderful lead singer, Freddie Mercury, in the long-awaited biopic called Bohemian Rhapsody.
Variety reports that everyone’s favorite delusional television “hacktivist” (apologies for using that ridiculous word, but my grammar checker inferred that I was boring when I tried to use “hacker“) will be helmed by (the alleged sketchball) X-Men franchise director Bryan Singer. Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor will serve as music producers on the film (and hopefully get back in these outfits for inspiration).
Dani Mathers Has Been Charged With Invasion Of Privacy
This summer, Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers declared herself a member in good standing of the “Why Humanity Sucks” Club when she secretly snapped a picture of a naked 70-year-old woman changing in her gym’s locker room and then posted it on her Snapchat with a cunty caption.
Well, besides being an a-hole extraordinaire, she can add “pioneer” to her social media profiles (she should keep “the a-hole extraordinaire” on there)!
Brad Pitt Wants Joint Custody Of The Kids
Brad Pitt finally got around to answering his ex Angelina Jolie’s divorce petition. His ass must have been roused out of his purple haze when he noted Angie had checked off the box marked “SOLE CUSTODY” on the form. Angie’s alleged idea of divorce settlement negotiating must be “I don’t want my kids smelling like Isla O.G., so you can see em’ every other Sunday.”
Hot Slut Of The Day!
Couch Potato!
Couch Potato came out in 1986, so 1986 was the year in the 1980s when toy and games company Coleco decided, why not, and went all-the-way “fuck it” by putting out a stuffed potato doll that did absolutely nothing, just like the lazy bitches it was modeled after. Today I Found Out tells me that a dude named Tom Lacino claims his brain invented the phrase “couch potato” while he was on a phone call in 1976. Tom was part of a group called the “Boob Tubers,” which was a satire organization that was put together in 1973 as a response to Californians acting all health-crazy. Tom’s fellow Boob Tuber Robert Armstrong turned “couch potato” into a cartoon and HISTORY WAS MADE and that phrase was farted into our eyeballs every second in the 1980s.
The Couch Potato doll wasn’t really supposed to be a toy. It was more of a gag gift you bought someone at Spencer’s. It was something you bought for a lazy, carb-swallowing, beer-guzzling TV whore who needed a loyal friend (because you know, it can’t move) to be a sloth with. Couch Potato was basically a bald Mama June, but a lot more useful.
Coleco also made a lady Couch Potato named Sweet Couch Potato and put out a lazy, stoner-eyed couch potato baby named Small Fry. And now I’m off to eBay to find the Couch Potato family, because unlike my dog, they will stick with me and won’t throw me a, “God, this sight is disgusting and embarrassing,” look when I’m eating melted ice cream, rum and Oreos soup while binge-watching Real Housewives of Melbourne, again.
Pic: Etsy