Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos Finalized Their Divorce

/ April 4, 2019

While it takes some rich people (I’m looking at you, Brad and Angelina) eons to get divorced, Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife of over 25 years MacKenzie Bezos wasted no time. It took them just under three months and a few rumored peen pics to finalize what, at $137 BILLION, may be the most expensive divorce in U.S. history. Don’t worry, money doesn’t change people. They still have “great respect” and all that other dumb shit celebrities say about each other after breaking up.

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Open Post: Hosted By Heinz’s Latest Assault On Your Gag Reflex

/ April 4, 2019

Heinz has taken a page out of Pizza Hunt’s STUNT QUEEN handbook and has whipped up some 100 proof fuckery in the name of a little media attention. For Valentine’s Day, Heinz gave away tiny jars of tomato ovary eggs, and they also straight-up stole from Mr. Show by barfing up MayoMust. And now they’ve decided to attack Jesus by releasing a pure abomination for his resurrection day. Jesus is going to show up again to slap down those sucio pieces of trash at Heinz for desecrating holy mayonnaise like this. Yes, Jesus loves mayo. Anybody with taste does!

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Martha Stewart Cancelled A Book Signing Over An Anti-Fur Activist

/ April 4, 2019

Normally when Martha Stewart bolts from an event, I imagine it is because the walls of the venue are an unacceptable shade of gray, someone is trying to serve her a frozen pizza, or because someone in the audience smells of something that most certainly would NOT end up in the pages of Martha Stewart Living. Martha is on a book tour, and an anti-fur protestor interrupted a stop in New York City to protest Martha Stewart, who wasn’t wearing fur at the time, and Canada Goose, which had nothing to do with the event. Normal!

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Your Loss Ladies: Joe Biden Vows To Keep His Hands To Himself

/ April 4, 2019

Well, you’ve done it now, ladies! Joe Biden was just trying to be friendly and you’ve ruined everything with your complaints. Uncle Joe has responded to accusations that his handsy ways have made a number of people uncomfortable, and has vowed to stop showing people how much he cares by being the #1 spokesperson for Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo. Joe may have a lot to learn about the new “social norms” regarding personal space, but he’s a whiz at new fangled technology as evidenced by his issuing a folksy video apology via Twitter.

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Mark McGrath Says He’s Pretty Much Deaf

/ April 4, 2019

Well my parents said that would go deaf listening to Sugar Ray loud on the radio (I had terrible taste, but like “Fly” is a bop and so is “Every Morning”–fight me) when I was a kid…

Mark McGrath spoke with The Daily Mail and revealed to them that years of performing live have caught up to him, or specifically his hearing. Mark says he can’t hear shit.

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Lindsay Lohan Seems Pissed Over Lea Michele Playing Ariel In The Hollywood Bowl’s “The Little Mermaid”

/ April 4, 2019

Lindsay Lohan has a new arch-nemesis to deal with, besides Paris Hilton and dignity. Lindsay has her vengeful eyes set on one person at the moment and her name is Lea Michele. Why is Lindsay so mad? Did Lea also open up a beach club where drunk euro trash can have sex in the bathroom high off MDMA? No, but close. Lea stole an acting role from Lindsay, the one she was born for! Ariel in The Little Mermaid. A role where Lindsay wouldn’t have to deliver any lines or walk much? It’s perfect!

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