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Phill Lewis (50)
Mike Piazza (50)
Damon Wayans (58)
Dr. Drew Pinsky (60)
Khandi Alexander (61)
Judith Ivey (67)
Mitzi Gaynor (87)
Happy Labor Day To Everyone, Especially The Poor Ass Crew Who Had To Clean Up The Axe Body Spray Explosion
Millions in Texas today are probably smoking several cigarettes while a giant ice pack lays on their genitals which got raw from them humping on anything and everything after they inhaled a giant burnt cloud of horny-induced fumes. Everybody was in heat in Texas! Because WDRB reports that early Friday morning in Belton, TX, a truck carrying tons of Axe Body Spray caught fire, which caused the cans to explode everywhere. As to why the truck caught on fire: duh, it was filled with cans and cans of pure flammable hotness.
Nobody was injured, but the Texas Department of Transportation says that the highway was shut down for hours as crews cleaned it up and they’ll have to remove parts of the shoulder that was doused in hot Axe. And they have to replace it because now those shoulders are really annoying and were seen begging grown ups to buy them a bottle of Jägermeister outside of a liquor store and won’t stop bragging about how much pussy they’re going to get when they go to Florida State next year.
Jodi Wheatley, spokeswoman for the Texas Department of Transportation, told CNN Sunday three lanes and both shoulders on the section of I-35 will need to be removed and replaced because of the intensity of the fire.
And on this Labor Day, if anybody deserves to rest, it’s every member of the clean-up crew, because imagine how exhausted they are with women throwing their coochies at them left and right?
FIRE VIDEO: Viewer David Clauder sent us this video from the fire on I-35 this morning.
— KXXV CenTex News Now (@KXXVNewsNow) August 31, 2018
The quittin’ time whistle from The Flintstones!
For many of you, today is one of those very special Mondays where you don’t have to mouth burp every curse word while dragging your barely alive corpse into your cubicle. It’s a Monday masquerading as a Sunday, because it’s Labor day where we honor the worker. And who among us has worked harder than Fred Flintstone?! None of us (read: all of us, because bitch is a cartoon, he isn’t real and therefore has never worked)!
And Fred Flintstone, the hardest worker who ever worked, could finally let his body fall into a state of relaxation when hearing the quittin’ time whistle blow. The quittin’ time whistle was truly the bright spot of almost every single Flintstones episode. In the opening sequence, A worker, who was basically Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons in prehistoric drag, let all the laborers know it was time to go home by pulling on a string which was attached the tail of a bird who screamed in pain, which was the sound of the quittin’ whistle. If PETA existed in prehistoric times, every one of those bitches would be covered in red paint from torturing that bird, and Betty Rubble definitely would’ve posed topless in an ad titled, “I’d rather go naked than torture that quittin’ time bird.”
But seriously, besides cartoon Ann-Margret, the quittin’ time whistlin’ bird was the best character of The Flintstones. The opening would be nothing without them!
And may your today be filled with the quittin’ time whistle. And actually I take that back, because I hope that your today isn’t filled with the quittin’ time whistle, because I hope he’s got today off. Bitch deserves it.
Adam Curry (54)
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Tomo Miličević (39)
Nick Wechsler (40)
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Costas Mandylor (53)
Charlie Sheen (53)
Amber Lynn (54)
Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols (63)
Valerie Perrine (75)
Al Jardine of The Beach Boys (75)
Alan Ladd (1913-1984)
Open Post: Hosted By Tilda Swinton Looking Like The Mayor Of Whoville At The VFF Premiere Of “Suspiria”
If you can’t get Toni Collette for your satanic dance academy horror flick remake (ooo, Hereditary was so good and she was so good in it as Trauma Mom), then you grab yourself some Tilda Swinton! Tilda is the androgynous acting angel whose handsome countenance lifts every movie she’s in to a much higher level. Here she is at the Suspiria premiere at the Venice International Film Festival yesterday looking like she’s about to shut the Grinch down with some roast beast and a bit of “HA HOO WHORE HAY.”
Luca Guadagnino’s remake of the 1977 horror classic Suspiria is getting mixed reviews so far, but Tilda’s been noted as the bright spot. And there’s a rumor that 82-year-old newcomer Lutz Ebersdorf, who plays a shrink in the movie, is really Tilda in heavy prosthetics. Luca has denied that. I believe Luca. Like Tilda needs prosthetics to change into another face. All she has to do is raise her face toward the rays shooting off of her home planet and hum the shape-shifting chant of her alien ancestors as her face changes into that of an 82-year-old German man. Prosthetics! How insult. They act like Tilda is a mere human.
Check out more pics of Tilda from the Suspiria premiere in the gallery below including Dakota Johnson, Thom Yorke (he did the music), Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, Alek Wek, Chloe Grace Moretz, Mia Goth, and the original Suspiria’s star Jessica Harper!
If you woke up this morning moaning, biting your pillow and holding onto your dream about being the vessel for Idris Elba‘s future children, your psychic antennas were probably tuned to the fact that the “other” James Bond, Daniel Craig, and his wife Rachel Weisz have just announced that she has given birth to a baby girl.