I don’t know if there’s a Chinese equivalent to “COME TO BRAZIL, QUEEN.” But if there is, it’s something that will be put on hiatus indefinitely. The Guardian is reporting that China allegedly considers Lady Gaga a “hostile foreign force” and has banned her.
Sports Illustrated Photoshops its bikini models until they look like they got a total body skin graft from Barbie, so when it was rumored that a member of the Photoshop-loving Kartrashians was going to pose in nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal for the cover, I figured that the retouching budget would be so high that SI’s publisher would have to do a major layoff. But it looks like I figured wrong. It looks like the cost of the magazine is more than the budget for the cover photo shoot. It looks like Sports Illustrated took Caitlyn Jenner to Six Flags using some free tickets they got, and immediately went to one of those fake magazine cover kiosks, where she struck a quick awkward before they used the rest of the budget to buy everyone a funnel cake.
Last month we found out that Russell Brand, Hollywood’s favorite British person from the years 2008 to 2011, knocked up his on-again/off-again girlfriend of many years and non-famous person Laura Gallacher. Now he’s decided to make it legal with her. The Sun (via Page Six) says that Russell recently decided to make Laura his second wife and shared the news with their friends during a “hippie style” party at their house this weekend. I have no idea what “hippie style” means, but I’m hoping it involved Russell introducing Laura to guests as his “groovy soon-to-be old lady.”
As for why Russell, a famous person, didn’t announce his engagement in a famous people way, like Instagramming a picture of the ring hanging off the tip of Laura’s pregnancy test seconds after it happened with the caption: “She said yes! Thanks to @ClearBlue and @CustomBling for making this moment so special!” A source says Russell wanted to keep all the news about his baby and wedding hush-hush, and it’s all Katy Perry’s fault. The source claims that his “very public” (and later very messy) 14-month marriage to Katy Perry has caused him to become a more private person. His quiet at-home wedding announcement last weekend was more in line with his and Laura’s current life as “homebodies.”
The source adds that Russell decided to get married to Laura because he wanted to “do the right thing” after knocking her up. Laura was reportedly “delighted” to be asked. Laura says that now, but just wait until the first time her husband throws up a truly unflattering picture of her with no makeup on. Then we’ll see how “delighted” she is to be Mrs. Russell Brand.
Pull out your list of people who have had enough of Chris Brown’s bullshit and handed in their resignation papers. It’s time to add another name. Last week we learned that Chris’ manager of four years, Mike G, stopped working with Chris back in May after he allegedly received a “drug-fueled” beating from Chris Brown. Yesterday we learned that around the same time, a tour manager named Nancy Ghosh quit after he allegedly cornered her on his tour bus and unleashed a “threatening, drug-fueled tirade.” Now TMZ is saying that Chris Brown’s publicist has followed Mike G and Nancy out the door. And surprise, surprise, there was drama.
Mabel Jackson of Suffolk, England who claims that the key to her becoming a member of The Supreme Memaw Club (aka The Centurion Club) sits in a bottle of Beefeater.
When Hot Slut of February Flossie Dickey let her love of whiskey be known and former HSOTDs Agnes Fenton and Pauline Spangola both said that the secret to living a long life is boooooze, Mabel Jackson raised a “World’s Drunkest Grandma” mug and drank to that. Because Mabel Jackson tells the Suffolk Gazette (via Cosmopolitan) that she made it all the way to 100 years old thanks to the 6 gin and tonics she puts in her stomach on the daily.
Mel Brooks (90)
Lacey Schwimmer (28)
Kellie Pickler (30)
Tamara Ecclestone (32)
Felicia Day (37)
Rob Dyrdek (42)
Alessandro Nivola (44)
Elon Musk (45)
Aileen Quinn (45)
Steve Burton (46)
Mike White (46)
Tichina Arnold (47)
Gil Bellows (49)
John Cusack (50)
Mary Stuart Masterson (50)
Jessica Hecht (51)
John Elway (56)
Michael Jacobs (61)
Kathy Bates (68)
Robert Pattinson showed up looking like this to the Dior show. Instead of laughing at his jacked-up bangs, I’m going to praise him for bravely going out in public after losing a bet that involved him letting his drunk friend cut his hair like 90s George Clooney with baby scissors – Lainey Gossip
We get it, Chris Martin, you wanna do RiRi – Celebitchy
It came from the sea…… – Drunken Stepfather
Now that it seems like CoCo has sadly retired as the Queen of Camel Toes, somebody needs to take her place and it looks like Erika Jayne has thrown her camel toe into the running – Reality Tea
Ariel Winter and her boyfriend broke up – The Superficial
Survivor is $25,000 richer (well, $1.50 richer after lawyer fees) thanks to Mike Huckabee using “Eye of the Tiger” without permission at a Kim Davis rally – Towleroad
As expected, Abby Lee Miller declared that she’s guilty of bankruptcy fraud in court today – Jezebel
Two minutes after these pictures were taken, Brit Brit Spears walked by, mistook Natasha Poly for a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto and swallowed her up – The Nip Slip
For why does Natalie Portman have Wonka Runts on her loafers? – Popoholic
Olivia Munn looks so calm and relaxed like she just finally pooted out a stubborn fart – Hollywood Tuna
This is what Judd Apatow’s soft peen looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog
You know, now that Jamie Lynn Spears mentions it, “I Found Out I Was Knocked Up In A Gas Station Bathroom” sounds like the name of a country song by a Spears sister – HuffPo
Lamar Odom is reportedly still partying and boozing – Starcasm
Jay Leno lived to tell the tale of being in a car as it flipped – SOW
Ben Affleck’s chichis are looking as luscious as ever – Just Jared
I thought that was Dorinda Medley next to the Dalai Lama and he probably did too. Please nobody break his heart by telling him that he shook hands with a much less famous trick – Popsugar
Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest’s lazy ass has called in sick today. It’ll be back tomorrow.
Because of the whole “writing about wooing her little sister like a sexual predator, etc...” thing, you’d think that Lena Dunham would appreciate someone selling disturbing shit as entertainment, but nope! The Taylor Swift squad member watched Kanye West’s creepy naked wax figure sleep study video for “Famous,” and she too wanted to scream for a priest to exorcise the memory of watching it out of her brain. Lena said in a Facebook post that it’s “one of the most disturbing artistic effort in recent memory,” and when Lena Dunham is grossed out by some shit….
I am all for ToTay’s shameless world PR tour as long as they keep bringing that hot piece bodyguard (at least I think that’s a bodyguard) with them…
It’s been a little less than two weeks since
the start date of Taylor and Tom’s contract Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s authentic love grew on a rock in Rhode Island and since then, they have moved faster than two U-Haul lesbians on speed. They went from Rhode Island to NYC to Nashville where Tom dad danced at a Selena Gomez concert and met Tay Tay’s parents. From Nashville, they took their “We’re Really, Really In Love” tour international when they visited Tom’s mom in England and Taylor’s stylist did her up in “old-fashioned English country girl” drag for a completely and private walk with his family and a dozen or so paparazzi on Covehithe Beach (see: the spontaneous and organic pictures below). And now they’re in Italy…. To Rome with UGH!
Taylor and Tom strolled through the Colosseum in Rome today, and she must’ve graciously let the paparazzi have the day off, because it was her fans who took pictures of them and posted that mess on Twitter and Instagram. They probably ended their day at a studio where they practiced riding a Vespa for their Roman Holiday-themed photo shoot for the paps tomorrow.
So, since they’ve met each other’s parents and are in Europe now, I fully expect them to elope in an extremely private ceremony in front of the Eiffel Tower at 11 in the morning on Wednesday. Their honeymoon in Bora Bora will be live-streamed on the Jumbotron in Times Square on Friday and they’ll show off the Baby Alive doll they adopted together outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London on Sunday. They’ll be divorced a week from today and Tay Tay will get custody of their Baby Alive doll.
But seriously, ToTay is looking so damn fake that it almost defeats the purpose of a PR relationship. Maybe this is one big performance art piece and Taylor’s artistic commentary on how her relationships are perceived by the media. Naw, I’m giving her ass too much credit.
If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.
Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?