“Today” Is “Eternal Sunshine”-ing Matt Lauer

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Remember that time Kate Winslet stooped down to do a non-period piece and starred in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, that movie about how you could erase all memories of a pain-in-the-ass ex? After Matt Lauer’s dick threatened to ruin the reputation of the house that Katie Couric and J. Fred Muggs built, the team at Today appears ready to erase any and all memories of him and his henchmen (and women). Continue reading

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince William’s Buzzed Dome Royale

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

There comes a time in every balding dude’s life when he’s got to make a choice on which way to go. Is he going to channel his inner evil billionaire by going the Mr. Burns route (fluffy on the sides and liver-spotted bald hotness on the top)? Is he going to embrace the dick head look by shaving off every hair that’s left on his head? Is he going to do a John Travolta and hunt down a Shih Tzu, skin the poor thing and then wear it on his head? When I start balding, I’m going to finally live out my Walter Mercado hair dreams and buy a blond Sonata wig from Raquel Welch. But Prince William has decided to flirt with shaving it all off.

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Today In Flaming Messes: The Writer Of The Aziz Ansari Story Is Beefing With Ashleigh Banfield Of HLN

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Over the weekend, a site called Babe.net (which, contrary to my first guess, isn’t a soft-core porn site devoted to pigs from Australia) posted a piece from a writer named Katie Way about a young woman, going by the name Grace, who went on a shitty date with 34-year-old Aziz Ansari. The date ended with her using a Chore Boy to scrub the thick layer of ICK off of her. Grace, who was 22 at the time, said that Aziz pressured her into having sex even though she let him know with her words and body language that she didn’t want to go there. Allison covered the entire story if you missed it.

Grace’s story brought out many different opinions, of course. Some praised Grace for telling her story since they felt men need to take a crash course at The Learning Annex on How To Fucking Get A Clue. Some felt that Babe.net was shamelessly trying to get clicks by naming Aziz Ansari in a piece that was basically revenge porn. Others felt it was wrong of Babe.net to inject a story about a bad date into the same vein as the #MeToo movement. HLN host Ashleigh Banfield is with the second and third group and she shared her thoughts on her show Crime & Justice.

A producer from Crime & Justice e-mailed Katie Way to invite her to come onto the show. Katie didn’t give a simple “no.” She gave a “no” and followed it with a mega junior high school dragging that I’m surprised didn’t end with her saying, “Oh, and that Ashleigh bitch has totally got split ends. Gross!” Katie made it clear that she will never share screen time with that bad highlights-having, burgundy lipstick-wearing nobody old hag! I know, what did burgundy lipstick do to anybody…besides make them look like a chola vampire (which is always a good thing, by the way)?

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Stormy Daniels Says That Trump Compared Her To His Daughter Ivanka After Having Sex

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

As if I even needed to specify it was Ivanka Trump.

It’s been alleged that porn star Stormy Daniels was paid $130,000 a month before the election to keep quiet about an affair she had with Donald Trump in 2006. The only thing is, Stormy originally spoke to In Touch in 2011 about the affair, long before she allegedly took the $130,000 and signed an NDA. So yesterday InTouch Weekly was like, here, have at it, folks, and republished parts of their story.

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Sarah Jessica Parker Still Cannot Let “Sex And The City” Die Already

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

We will always have Sex and The City to thank for the divine inspiration that led Michael to gift us with the moniker Rojo Caliente. For that I am thankful. But I, and I think many Americans, have successfully moved the fuck on. And late last year, the hookers of SATC seemed to have come to terms with the end of the road after Kim Cattrall said she couldn’t take it anymore and put the kibosh on a third installment of the movie franchise. I mean, they went down kicking and screaming and clawing each others eyes out, but it seemed like it was safe to toss the dirt on the coffin. Not so fast! Sarah Jessica Parker was on Ellen recently and made it sound as if SATC might have been buried alive.

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Justin Timberlake Tried To Make Some Kind Of Statement In The Video For “Supplies”

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

It was my understanding that Justin Timberlake’s upcoming album, Man of the Woods, was going to be some of kind Forever 21 take on Bon Iver. But I’m starting to think saying one thing and doing another might be a recurring theme in Justin’s life, because we’ve got another video that makes no sense coming from an alleged man of the woods. The video for “Filthy” was about a dancing robot, and today we’ve got “Supplies,” a video that I think can best be described as FutureTech/SadSounds set in a hellish dystopia of violence, racism, sexism, and Trump. So basically…present day?

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