Here’s some terrible, tragic news for all the Sherlock shippers out there. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have appeared in four seasons and a special together as updated versions of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. There have been plans for a fifth season, although no one knows for sure if that’s going to happen. The Sun seems to think they’ve solved the mystery of the fifth season. It sounds like if it were up to Benedict and Martin, they’d throw that fifth season in a folder marked “Things I’d Rather Not Do.”
The 8th grade love triangle drama between Selena Gomez, The Weeknd and Bella Hadid just got a huge injection of used douche water. Troublemaking 5th grader Justin Bieber has shoved himself into the drama. Oooooh, the hall monitor is totally going to report the Biebs when he gets caught trying to sneak into the upper grades side to tussle with his ex and her new dude.
And in a stunning development that may cause you to tip over with pure shock, Kim Kartrashian didn’t shoot reenactment scenes of her Paris robbery for an Unsolved Mysteries-style 12-part investigative event airing on E!. Pimp Mama Kris is saving for that sweeps.
Ocean’s Eight was turning out to be my kind of movie. It had everything: a dramatic heist, a random cast that summoned a million question marks, Cate Blanchett in “washed-up rocker lesbian turned owner of an art gallery” chic and a dog on a skateboard (just lie to me and tell me they gave that talented bitch a major role). But then the evil makers just had to taint it with a giant plastic splattering of fame whores. Kim Kartrashian and all-natural sliver of dehydrated celery Kendull Jenner will be in it. Well, I guess every movie needs a piss break and it’s pretty fitting to make Kim the star of a pee time scene.
Last summer we learned that football player Aaron Rodgers had stopped talking to his family, and it was maybe because his girlfriend Olivia Munn was, in the words of Tommy Wiseau, tearing them apart. Aaron Rodgers’ dad has talked about the estrangement drama with his son, and the whole situation sounds very Cat’s in the Cradle mixed with a daytime soap opera.
It felt like Katherine Heigl was pregnant for way longer than the average woman is pregnant. Now we know that she did give birth, it just happened last month. Oh well, that extra time was probably appreciated by Katherine’s biggest fan Shonda Rhimes, who used that additional month to put together a really nice gift basket to go with the card she sent that says: “Good luck kid, xoxo Aunty Shondie.”
A rep for Katherine and her husband Josh Kelley confirmed the news to People that she gave birth to their third child on December 20th. She had a little boy that they named Joshua Bishop Kelley Jr. Josh Jr. joins a group of celebrity kids who I hope one day write a tell-all, which includes Katherine and Josh’s adopted daughters, 8-year-old Naleigh Moon and 4-year-old Adelaide Marie Hope.
I have no idea why Katherine decided to keep the birth of Josh Jr. a secret for so long. I know Katherine Heigl isn’t getting those front-page People covers anymore, but she does have a blog. I guess I just assumed she would have announced Baby Josh Jr.s birth there (she only talked about the baby shower, which sort of looked like a fancy retirement party for a rich lady florist). Maybe she’s waiting to debut Baby Josh Jr. in her next kitty litter commercial. It would be the purrrrfect tie-in for a litter designed specifically for kittens.
Alexis, the heroic contestant from The Bachelor who kept it all-the-way real on last night’s episode.
I haven’t watched The Bachelor for a few seasons because I realized that if I want to watch an annoying drunk mess cry about their stupid life while wearing an ugly dress borrowed from Rent The Runway, I’d just look in the mirror at the end of the night. (And yes, I just admitted that I wear a dress from Rent The Runway to bed.) But reader Angela showed me the brilliance I’ve been missing when she sent me a screen shot of the genteel blossom who pretty much quoted the great poet Ludacris on last night’s episode.
Alexis is the attention whore mess (but in her defense, that show is the battle of attention whore messes) and “aspiring dolphin trainer” who wore what she kept saying was a dolphin costume on the first episode. It was clearly a shark costume. Yeah, so if her dolphin trainer dreams ever come true, trick is going to be in for a real bloody ass surprise when she tries to get a “dolphin” to twirl for her. But before a “dolphin” bites off her arm during training, Alexis used it to push the other bitches out of the way during last night’s rose ceremony.
When Nick Viall, the pile of uncooked oats with a six-pack who is currently playing the role of The Bachelor, called Alexis’ name, she parted the sea of bitches by saying the magic words: “Move, bitches. I’m comin’ through.” Not all heroes wear capes, some wear dresses from Bebe.
And just like that, Dolphin Shark Chick summed up The Bachelor with just two simple and poetic words.