Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The hypnotizing Windows 98 screensaver!

I am strictly an Apple whore now, but back in the far away olden days of the late 90s I had an Acer my mom bought me on HSN and it came with that infamous Windows 98 screensaver. I hated to love that screensaver and I loved to hate it. Every time it came on, I’d stare at it for hours and get sucked in. It trained me for my eventual stoner days.

It’s seriously one of the ugliest screen savers ever. That HGTV Flip or Flop couple should update that mess.

That never-ending maze that sucks you in was totally foreshadowing of what was to come from computers and the Internet. I went from getting the heaves while staring at that ugly never-ending maze for HOURS to getting the wet heaves while staring at videos titled “Pulling The Longest Ingrown Hair Out Of My Face” on YouTube for HOURS. And that annoying, scary ass rat. I wonder what ever became of it? It probably gorged itself on organic aged cheese, learned Spanish in Spain from the masters, summered in the Hamptons every year and eventually grew up to be Goop.com. It still terrorizes computers today.

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Birthday Sluts

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Chris Kirkpatrick (43)
Max Irons (29)
Felicity Jones (31)
Justin Shenkarow (34)
Matthew Macfadyen (40)
Eminem (42)
Sharon Leal (42)
Wyclef Jean (45)
Ziggy Marley (46)
René Dif of Aqua (47)
Norm Macdonald (51)
Mike Judge (52)
Rob Marshall (54)
Alan Jackson (56)
Bill Hudson (65)
Margot Kidder (66)
George Wendt (66)
Michael McKean (67)
Cameron Mackintosh (68)

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Night Crumbs

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Prince Hot Ginge wearing the hell out of a tuxedo while making a face that clearly says, “Heh, my willy just rubbed up against my boxers and I liked it” - Lainey Gossip 

Cindy Crawford giving you butch mannequin – Drunken Stepfather

Chris Noth jokingly calls Carrie Bradshaw a whore and where’s the Cristal ConnorsWe’re all whores, darlin’” GIF when I really need it? – Celebitchy

Sonja Morgan of The Real Drunkwives of New York pulled a first degree Shia LaDouche at Molly Ringwald’s cabaret show – Reality Tea

I will say that Khloe Kartrashian’s rumored half-sister does have a “Ugh, I just found out I’m related to one of Pimp Mama Kris’ spawn” look on her face – WWTDD

How To Get The FBI To Hold A Magnifying Glass Up To Your Laptop In One Easy Step by John GrishamThe Superficial

The moment an Ariana Grande Latte fan was hit with the self-realization that they’re an Ariana Grande Latte - Egotastic!

Why do I feel like there’s been at least 10,000 trailers for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1? – Towleroad

Burt Reynolds’ kiss turned Doogie Howser gay. I knew it! – Jezebel

They’re making commercials for Fleshlights now – SOW

Add a velvet bolero to Selena Gomez’s outfit and you’d have one of my tia’s funeral outfits – Hollywood Tuna

Emma Stone looks really excited to be Sally Bowles on Broadway – Popoholic

Meanwhile, the Robsten fan girl tears will flood the Earth any minute now – Popsugar

So that’s why Kelly Brook keeps going back to David McIntosh – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Joan Rivers died of hypoxic arrest – ICYDK

Oh it’s okay, I didn’t need to sleep tonight – The Berry

Presenting the new #1 example for delusion – Just Jared

And on a sad note: Rest in peace, Misty UphamHuffPo

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Jude Law Is Going To Be A Father For The Fifth Time

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that’s his jizz face or if that’s the face he makes every time he finds out he’ll have to write another child support check every month.

Condoms: Jude Law still doesn’t know how they work. Because Jude’s rep tells People that he one again bareback boned a baby into a woman’s uterus. Soon a fifth child will stare up at his shiny Tetris hairline and call him daddy. The latest member of The Jude Law Baby Mother Club is a woman named Catherine Harding and she and Jude might’ve had on of those “Um, not only did you leave your toothbrush at my apartment, but you left a baby in me too,” conversations after they broke up. Because they’re no longer a thing. Jude’s spokeswhore gave this statement to People:

“I can confirm that Jude Law and Catherine Harding are expecting a child together in the spring. Whilst they are no longer in a relationship, they are both wholeheartedly committed to raising their child. They consider this a private matter and other than this confirmation no statement will be made. I ask that you respect the privacy of all parties involved and their families.”

Jude and his ex-wife Sadie Frost have three kids together: 18-year-old Rafferty, 12-year-old Rudy and 13-year-old Iris. Jude also made a daughter named Sophia with model type Samantha Burke 5 years ago. Samantha was apparently a two-night stand and Jude found out long after they stopped talking that she was knocked up. So basically, Jude Law sucks at the whole “hit it and quit it” thing.

And Hugh Grant, you’ve been challenged.

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Open Post: Hosted By The $3.60 That Erykah Badu Made Singing In Times Square

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Erykah Badu decided to do a little experiment and she took her ass to the streets of NYC to sing for a dollar, or two, or three, or in her case almost four. Erykah didn’t disguise herself and she sang in all her Baduizm glory. She sang for a little over 40 minutes and she couldn’t even afford to sniff a Venti Frapp at Starbucks with how much money she made. Most New Yorkers either didn’t know who she was or did know who she was but were all out of fucks to give because they had places to be.

You know, even if she was performing under a giant, lit-up sign that read, “THIS IS ERYKAH BADU,” a lot of New Yorkers would still walk on by. Jesus himself could magically appear before them and they’d stare for a minute before running down into the subway after hearing their train coming.

Erykah also didn’t set herself up well. “I Need Some Money” is not a song to sing when you’re busking on the street. She sounds like a cat giving birth so I probably wouldn’t recognize her either. After about 15 minutes of that, she should’ve gotten the hint and changed shit up. What I mean by that is she should’ve followed one of the most important rules in life: When all else fails, give them class with a side of ass. Qween Amor of Union Square definitely knows what I’m talking about:

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Glenn Close Grew Up In A Cult

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: And you’re not in one anymore, Glenn, so you can stop dressing like you are!

In an article on The Hollywood Reporter about her return to Broadway in A Delicate Balance, Glenn Close says that up until the age of 22, she was injecting the Kool-Aid by the gallon while being part of a cult called the Moral Re-Armament. MRA was founded and ran by Rev. Frank Buchman whom THR describes as “a violently anti-intellectual and possibly homophobic evangelical fundamentalist from Pennsylvania.” Frank told his followers that only those with special guidance from God were sin-free and it was their responsibility as humans to change others. If you change the word “God” to “Angelina Jolie,” that right there would be the Brangeloonie life motto. Actually, it would be the motto of many religions.

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The Time Jason Biggs Ray J’d On Chelsea Handle’s Face

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.

A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.

Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:

“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”

Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.

I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream:

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Brad Pitt Doesn’t Have A Soul And It’s The Paparazzi’s Fault

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

RIP that field of greens. Because 30 minutes after this picture was taken, those greens were nothing but ash in Brad Pitt’s bong.

Brad Pitt is on the cover of Details to whore out that movie whose title I always read as Furry (Side note: What the world really needs is a war movie starring Furries) and he gets deep. Well, as deep as Brad Pitt can go. Brad takes a page out of Kristen Stewart’s Book of Deep Thoughts by saying that the soul-stealing paparazzi are stealing his bliss and he also farts at the mouth about how he’s not a shitty dad.

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These Crazy Hos Are At It Again

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s been so calm and so peaceful without the sound of Halle Berry shrieking the skin off of her tonsils as Olivier Martinez growls while punching the pretty out of Gabriel Aubry’s face. I was beginning to think that maybe a judge ordered all of them to take their meds or cool their throbbing assholes of rage by having a seat in a bowl of ice. But it’s been quiet because Halle has been re-charging her crazy and now she’s ready to go for round I Lost Count. The sound of the birds chirping and the wind blowing will once again be drowned out by the sound of Halle and Gabriel gnawing  at each other’s throats while fighting over her money.

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