It goes without saying that I have some major problems when it comes to using my brain (I literally forgot my own last name yesterday, for real), so it should surprise absolutely no one that I spent nearly 17 minutes staring at the lower half of Anne Hathaway and wondering what was going on. Is she wearing black granny panties? Or some sort of body suit? Is that dress supposed to be the matronly British lady version of this one? Why did I care? Who knows. All that matters is that I zoomed in so close that the chain-links on her dress began to look like a Magic Eye poster, and I was convinced I saw an eagle soaring majestically through the mountains. It was TRIPPY.
Anne was once again walking the red carpet for that Oscar Winners in Space movie (aka Interstellar), this time in London. Yes, Anne looks like tired farted on exhausted, but you would too if you were wearing a dress that weighs 46 lbs. I don’t know how she’s still standing. She should have asked to be wheeled up the red carpet on a dolly like Hannibal Lecter. Actually, fuck that. If I were Anne, I would have asked them to wheel my ass to the recycling depot so I could trade in my dress for cash. You could probably get at least $27.50 for that dress!
Here’s more of Anne Hathaway serving up some Spencer Gifts pin art thing realness at the UK premiere of Interstellar (grab your magnifying glasses), as well as Jessica Chastain, the stoned armadillo and his wife (who looked like a sexy Agreeable Tiger Moth), and most importantly – MAIH CUL CAYN!
No-Kind-Of-Mama June’s EXCLUSIVO interview with E! News airs tonight and from what I’ve read, it doesn’t look like she says much besides, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” You know when someone’s full of fat rich lies when they say, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” Something tells me this “truth” that Mama June speaks of will look a lot like what came out of her ass this morning after she ate her usual breakfast of deep fried sugar cubes and melted butter.
Meanwhile, June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna Cardwell, continued to speak out against her mother’s hurtful, shit decisions in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that airs tomorrow night. Anna says that it hurts her seeing her mom looking like a shiny happy piece of trash while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the convicted pedophile who molested her when she was 8. Anna has talked to June and begged her to not let that monster around 9-year-old Honey Boo Boo and 14-year-old Pumpkin. Anna says that she’s obviously hurt and feels betrayed because her mom chose a pedophile shit dingle over her.
I know that a picture of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis sitting behind a Burger King sign at a basketball game has nothing to do with Baby Wyatt and her non-existent nannies, but I just figured it’s Hump Day, and who wouldn’t want to celebrate by thinking about delicious flame-broiled Whoppers? Yarm.
Ashton was on Conan O’Brien Tuesday night, and after throwing some Charles Schulz-y shade at Charlie Sheen, he decided to talk about his new baby Ashton confessed that even though he’s an insanely rich famous dude who is rich enough to hire someone to get elbow-deep in baby caca and projectile milk-barfed on at 3am, he hasn’t hired a nanny for Baby Wyatt. Why? Because he’s an insanely rich famous dude.
“We’re really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. So we don’t have a nanny or a night nurse of any of the stuff. It’s just the two of us.”
Ashton and Mila are lucky, because they never have to worry about being too exhausted to take care of the baby. All they have to do is throw on an episode of That 70s Show and a pair of those glasses that make you look like you’re awake, and Baby Wyatt won’t even notice the difference. Sure, she might get confused later in life when people refer to her parents as “Mila and Ashton” instead of “Jackie and Kelso”, but that’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix. And for those of you wondering how they got the name “Wyatt”, Ashton explains:
“We were going to a Lakers game and I got name Tourette’s and I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw: ‘Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!’ She [was] like, ‘Shut up!’ Then I was like, ‘I’ve got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?’ She goes, ‘That’s it.’”
I’m sorry, but how do you go from names like sign, truck, wall, door to Wyatt? Maybe Ashton pulled up to an intersection and saw a dude dressed like a cellphone spinning a sign that said “ASK ME WHY AT&T WANTS YOU TO SWITCH TODAY!“. Wyatt works, but did he ever consider Cellphondrea (pronounce cell-PHON-drea, obviously)? Come on, Cellphondria is a hot name!
Amanda Bynes’ mom and dad, Lynn and Rick Bynes, filed a petition with the court last week to once again be their daughter’s conservators and TMZ says that a judge recently approved it. Lynn and Rick had a conservatorship, but last month they reportedly let it go and that’s when Amanda moved away, stopped taking her meds, got back on Twitter and you know the rest.
TMZ says that the newest conservatorship won’t kick in until Amanda gets out of the hospital. When Amanda Bynes was “tricked” into entering a mental hospital, doctors were able to keep her there for 72 hours thanks to a 5150 hold. That 72-hour hold was later extended to 14 days and on Monday a judge extended it to an extra 30 days, because doctors say that she’s still in a bad way and is not ready for the outside world just yet.
In the documents Lynn and Rick (Side note: I can’t read the name Rick without hearing Amy Poehler nagging out a stream of RICK!s over and over again) gave to the judge, they listed all the reasons why they need to be the head bitches in charge of their daughter’s life. They should’ve just written, “check the Amanda Bynes tag on any blog,” but instead they said that her DUI and behavior are examples for why she’s a danger to herself and others. TMZ goes into Amanda’s money situation. Her parents state in the documents that Amanda’s net worth is exactly $5,747,703.36 and $2.8 million of that is real estate. Amanda made $144,768 last year and all of that came from her rental properties. My HGTV boo Scott McGillvray is impressed.
Lynn and Rick say that before Amanda went into the hospital, she was throwing around money like her name was Taylor Swift and she just sold 600,000 copies of her album in 24 hours. Amanda apparently gave gifts to everyone and anyone. TMZ seems to think that Amanda went into stores like Cartier, bought stuff and then handed it out to strangers on the street like some kind of Robin Hood.
Somewhere in London, Lindsay Lohan temporarily stopped taking naked pictures of herself on top of a mountain of coke for Neves’ new presidential campaign posters to slap herself in the head for leaving NYC when she did. LiLo got a cut on her twat from shoving a bunch of jooree and watches into her ham wallet during a “browsing” trip at Cartier and it still hasn’t healed. This wouldn’t have happened if she was in NYC when Amanda Bynes was handing out free Cartier shit on the streets. Dammit!
And now that Rick and Lynn got that conservatorship, they need to stock up on RAID just in case that shady roach Sam Lutfi hasn’t found another fallen child star to leech on and starts coming around again.
If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!
But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!
Since there’s not a law in Nevada that states that you must be able to spell gun in order to buy a gun, Jose Canseco owns guns. Jose’s actress/model girlfriend Leila Knight tells the NYDN that while cleaning one of his four guns at the kitchen table in his Las Vegas house yesterday, the gun somehow went off and a bullet nearly took off his left hand’s middle finger. Leila says that the oaf with steroids-infused tissue mush for brains didn’t know the gun was loaded. Yes, any person with at least one working brain cell would disassemble the gun before cleaning it, but this is Jose Canseco we’re talking about. As a sly smile made an appearance on Darwin’s face in heaven, Leila Knight told the NYDN about Jose Canseco’s latest act of pure dumb fuckery:
“He had been at the shooting range a few days earlier. He didn’t know it was loaded. The middle finger was hanging by a thread, and I wrapped his hand in a towel and then called 911. The doctors said they would either have to amputate or do reconstructive surgery. But if they do surgery, he won’t be able to use it again. He blew away an artery and a big bone chunk.”
Leila took out a restraining order against Jose in 2011 after she says he harassed her on and off Twitter, so yesterday the cops asked her if the two of them had been fighting. Leila says that he wasn’t trying to shoot her or anything. He’s just dumber than a popped steroid pimple:
“At first the police asked me if we were in a fight. I said of course we weren’t. We have four guns in the house. We are now going to have zero. I hate guns. Jose is a little freaked out. He keeps saying, ‘Sorry, sorry.’ But we’re extremely lucky, lucky it wasn’t worse, or that he didn’t shoot me.”
Poor Jose. If doctors can’t re-attach his finger, he’ll only be able to count to 9 if he’s fully clothed, 19 if he’s not wearing shoes and 19 and a half if he’s naked. I don’t know much about guns, but I didn’t know that they can accidentally just go off like that. That gun delivered the ultimate “fuck you” to Jose by taking away his left hand’s ability to throw a “fuck you” at a trick.
Meanwhile up in the right corner, Squinty Zellweger is like “And I don’t always want to be known as Squinty! I’m doing a good job, right?”
Unless you’re a huge Pieces of April fan (and really, who isn’t), I think we can all agree that the most interesting thing Katie Holmes has ever done was agreeing to be Tom Cruise’s robotic dead-eyed Stepford wife and birthing out The Intergalactic Empress of Xenu, Suri. However, Katie Holmes wants you to know that Katie Holmes has a lot more to offer that just being known as the Bride of Scientology. Tommy Girl’s former Gretchen Wieners tells People:
“I don’t want that moment in my life to define me, to be who I am,” she says of her post-split persona. “I don’t want that to be what I’m known as. I was an actor before, an actor during and an actor now.”
She also says that she’s no longer scared to see one of Tommy Girl’s sassy Scientology henchmen at her front door wearing one of John Travolta’s busted facial wiglets and holding a giant burlap sack, claiming to be a “Federal Drywall Inspector” who needs to “step inside” and “talk to you about…something”. NO! She doesn’t actually specify, but that’s what I’d be askaird of if I was once married to Tom Cruise.
“I don’t have any fear now, I don’t have a lot of rules for myself, and I don’t take myself that seriously.”
I just pictured Katie Holmes in a NO FEAR t-shirt, and yeah, I got quite a kick out of it.
This isn’t the first time Katie has spoken about the five years she spent as Tom Cruise’s My Size Thetan, and it won’t be the last. I bet she’ll be in a nursing home and people will be asking her shit like: “Katie, would you rather watch Matlock or tell me about when you were married to Tom Cruise?“. Then when she dies, Jesus will be like “Hey girl! Remember that time you were married to Tom Cruise?!?” Then when Suri eventually ascends to power as the leader of the Galactic Confederacy and takes over the world, Scientologists will announce her arrival by saying: “All hail Her Majesty Suri, the chosen one born of Katie Holmes! Speaking of, remember when Katie Holmes was married to Tom Cruise?!?” It will never end!
The residents at Sunny Hills Retirement Home don’t drive anymore, so instead of throwing keys into the swinger bowl, they improvised. – Coffy
Undentured servants really know how to cater a party. - Tart of Darkness
Bennett, the beer-fetching Australian Cattle Dog!
I’ve seen a few of these videos where a multi-talented genius dog fetches beer for their human and whenever I watch one I press my eyeballs against the screen to look for the zipper on that dog, because I try to convince myself it’s a human in a dog costume. As a stupid ass human who has been trained by his chihuahua to fetch food, treats, water, toys (etc…..) for him, it boggles my mind when I see a dog doing what I’m trained to do. Dogs aren’t supposed to do those kind of things for humans. Humans are supposed to do those kind of things for dogs! What is going on?
Well, here’s another video my dog doesn’t want me to see. (Actually, I doubt he gives three fucks, because he knows I’m too dumb to train him to do that.) Every time Josh Ace says, “I’m parched,” his dog Bennett goes to the fridge, opens the door, fetches a cold beer, closes the door and brings it back. Not only does Bennett look like STAINS‘ cousin, but he can fetch a cold beer. He’s the perfect dog and don’t tell my dog I said that or he’ll punish me by taking a diarrhea on our next walk so he can cackle to himself while watching me try to pick that wet shit up.
And Josh Ace might look like the real winner here, but nope. That title belongs to Bennett. Thanks to the pull that Josh Ace put on the fridge, Bennett can get drunk on beer anytime he wants.
Finola Hughes (55)
India Eisley (21)
Amanda Beard (33)
Ben Foster (34)
Brendan Fehr (37)
Tracee Ellis Ross (42)
Gabrielle Union (42)
Winona Ryder (43)
Beth Chapman (47)
Rufus Sewell (47)
Joely Fisher (47)
Yasmin Le Bon (50)
Randy “Not The American Idol One” Jackson (53)
Dan Castellaneta (57)
Kate Jackson (66)
Richard Dreyfuss (67)
Melba Moore (69)