Johnny Depp’s Family Did Not Hate Amber Heard, Okay?

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier today, I posted a story from TMZ about how Johnny Depp’s mother Betty Sue Palmer probably sang out, “hallelujaaaaaaah,” with the angels in heaven when that gold digging succubus hussy skank Amber Heard filed for divorce from her son. The story went that Betty Sue told Amber to her face that she’s a “terrible person” and that Johnny’s sisters and children agreed. But now TMZ and People are telling Amber’s side and it’s completely different. Imagine that.

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Robin Wright Loves All The Shitty Reviews For Sean Penn’s “The Last Face”

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that middle finger is deliberate or accidental, but since this is a story about how much Robin Wright dislikes Sean Penn, it’s more fun to pretend it’s deliberate.

When Sean Penn’s latest film, The Last Face, premiered at Cannes, the critics thought it was stinkier than the stink-eye Charlize Theron gave him at the premiere. If Sean Penn cared about the reviews and had enough moisture in his dehydrated tear ducts to cry, I’m sure the LOLs and boooos would have triggered a few salty ones to roll down his face. Well, Sean’s ex-wife Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews.

A source tells Page Six that Robin had been trying to develop The Last Face for years, and it was sort of a passion project for her. She apparently planned on starring in it with Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem (who did end up being in it), but couldn’t secure the financing for it. After Sean and Robin split up in 2010, he went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face. Damn, I knew Sean Penn was cold, but I didn’t realize he was steal-a-script cold.

Page Six claims that the source told them several years ago that Robin was sure Sean optioned the script for The Last Face just to be a vindictive twat. They also say that Robin was really depressed at the thought of it being a success and Charlize winning an Oscar for it. The Last Face currently holds a rating of 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I don’t think she has to worry about that. But her frown turned upside down when she found out The Last Face was a bonafide flop at Cannes.

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Another source says that watching her ex-husband crash and burn so shortly after it was revealed that she had successfully increased the numbers on her House of Cards paycheck has got her “quietly smirking while smoking by a window.” I don’t know if that’s a metaphor or she’s literally smirking while smoking at a window, but it sounds like the definition of living your best life. Every SuperSoul Sunday should end with Oprah wishing you a smirk-and-smoke-by-the-window moment.

Pic: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Katie Holmes As 1967 Jackie Kennedy

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Yes, I am 100% sure that is Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy circa 1967. And not a grown-up Vicki the Robot after getting caught in a windstorm while dressed up like Mary Tyler Moore on Halloween night.

To Scientologists, The History Channel is their PornHub, because it plays alien stuff all the time. But I guess The History Channel figures they should offer their viewers something else, which is why they’re doing a second mini-series about the Kennedys. Katie Holmes played Jackie Kennedy in the first mini-series, The Kennedys, and now she’s back in the second mini-series, The Kennedys After Camelot. This one takes place after John F. Kennedy is assassinated and follows Jackie Kennedy as she becomes Jackie O.

It looks like The History Channel isn’t really sticking to the real story for this one. Based on the pictures of Katie’s dead eyes on the set in Toronto, it looks like in this mini-series, Jackie is abducted by aliens and after they shave off her hair and install a microchip into her head, they return her back to earth where they throw a ratty pawn shop wig on her. That explains Katie’s expressions and that wig. And I just knew The History Channel would find a way to bring aliens and pawn shops into it.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, Splash

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The Weeknd Bailed On A Jimmy Kimmel Live! Appearance Because Of Donald Trump

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Eeesh, Jimmy Kimmel is brave; there’s no way I’d put my bare hand so close to Donald Trump’s dusty fiberglass insulation hair without a rubber hazmat glove on. There’s just too great a risk of contracting a second-hand case of Smug Loudmouthism if it makes contact with your skin.

Last night, human hospital food Donald Trump was on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. The Weeknd was scheduled to be there too, but E! News says he took a hard pass when he found out that he was going to be in the same studio as Donald Trump. The Weeknd was supposed to perform the song “Might Not” with rapper Belly, who released a statement after they bailed on the performance. (Side note from Michael: You know you’re an old bitch when you see the name Belly and immediately start singing, “Take your hat off, boooooy..“)

“I feel like the way I was raised was to be able to see through all the titles in this world—from religion to race. I just didn’t want to feel like I was a part of a celebration for somebody who has beliefs that majority of us don’t agree with.”

Shortly after, Belly’s rep added to his feelings by telling E!:

“Belly, a man of the world who grew up as a minority immigrant in Canada, has a strong conviction against Donald Trump’s radical beliefs. A strong believer in equal rights for all, Belly is taking a stand against a man who has made many negative and detrimental remarks about minorities, women, various religious groups and more.”

Jimmy Kimmel kept quiet about why The Weeknd’s emotional falsetto would not be ringing through the audience’s ears. Jazz singer Gregory Porter filled in. I guess producers weren’t able to get Trump’s favorite rapper Sarah Palin from Alaska to Hollywood in time for the taping.

I know Donald Trump probably couldn’t give 1/180th of a shit about The Weeknd and Belly ditching their performance. But it really says something when two Canadians don’t want to work with you so much that they quit a job without doing the polite thing and give a full two weeks notice first. I once worked a truly shitty job for a whole five days because it took me that long to think of an appropriate apology for why I was quitting. So yeah, they must seriously hate Trump.

Pic: ABC

Leave Faye Dunaway And Her Food Scale Alone!

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

There may be a good reason for why Faye Dunaway is wearing every spool of fabric found in the black section at Mood. She needs to hide the food scale she’s about to smuggle into the party.

Page Six had a story yesterday about how Faye Dunaway weirded some people out at the amfAR gala during Cannes when she pulled out a scale from a brown paper bag and weighed all her food at the table.

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Corey Feldman Would “Love To Name” The Pedos Of Hollywood

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Corey Feldman is continuing the conversation Elijah Wood started (and quickly tip-toed away from) by sharing both his and Corey Haim’s dark, sad experience with Hollywood’s child predators. Back in 2011, Corey Feldman spoke with ABCs Nightline and claimed that Hollywood had a major problem with pedos. He also blamed the innocence-killing actions of a high-powered movie mogul for Corey Haim’s death in 2010. This time Corey is talking to The Hollywood Reporter, and his story is still the same: that Hollywood is an ocean full of gross pedo sharks.

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So, Disney Finally Got Around To Planning A Live-Action “The Little Mermaid” Movie

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Disney has done two live-action Alice in Wonderland movies, a live-action Maleficent movie, a live-action Cinderella movie, a live-action The Jungle Book movie, and their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie comes out next year. They’re also working on live-action movies about Tinker Bell, Mulan, Aladdin and Cruella de Vil, as well as sequels to Maleficent and The Jungle Book. They’re running out of live-action movies to do and it’s only a matter of time before they stuff Andy Serkis into a Simba costume for their live-action version of The Lion King. But before they do that, they’re going to explore the possiblity of live-actioning The Little Mermaid. And by “explore” I mean try to come up with ways to femme-up Michael Phelps so he can play Ariel since he’s the only human fish who can do the swimming scenes.

Deadline says that because The Jungle Book has made $860 million worldwide so far, the head bitches at Disney are looking to do even more live-action movies of their animated classics. Disney execs were reportedly pitched a “new take” on The Little Mermaid and they’re talking to major producers about whether or not they should move forward with that idea. Um, don’t those executives know that we’ve already seen a “new take” on The Little Mermaid. It’s called fucking Splash.

Universal is working on their own Little Mermaid movie starring Chloe Grace Moretz.

If Disney goes through with a live-action Little Mermaid movie, the underwater scenes are going to be so CGI’d that it’s going to look about as real as a Kim Kartrashian Instagram picture. Shit, it’ll probably look less life-like than the animated movie it’s based on. But I am all for it if they cast Jon Hamm in the iconic role of the horny priest:

And this goes without typing, but here are old pictures of my choice for Ariel posing with Ana Braga:

Pics: Disney, Wenn.com

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Johnny Depp’s Family Hated The Hell Out Of Amber Heard

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?

The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.

Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.

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For Some Secret Reason, Blake Shelton Bought Miranda Lambert’s Boutique In Oklahoma

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have been over for almost a whole year and they’re both currently in relationships (some real, some possibly less real) with other people, they recently got together to exchange some keys and money. That sounds like the set up for a porno about a prostitute who works out of a valet stand, but that’s not what this is. People says that Miranda recently put the Oklahoma location of her boutique, The Pink Pistol, up for sale and it was bought by none other than her ex-husband.

Miranda opened The Pink Pistol, which isn’t a sex toy store (I checked), back in 2012 in Tishomingo, Oklahoma, where she and Blake lived. A year later, she decided to open another Pink Pistol store in Texas. Recently she decided to focus entirely on the Texas store, and she put the Oklahoma store up for sale. Blake, who still lives in Tishomingo, tells Entertainment Tonight:

“As a resident of Tishomingo I’m very sorry that the Pink Pistol has decided to move its operations out of the area. We all, as a community, appreciate everything it has done for our town. As for the actual properties left behind…I was offered the opportunity to buy them, and I have a plan brewing.”

When asked about why she was closing the Pink Pistol location in Oklahoma, Miranda explained that she wanted to “close a chapter” in her life and go back home to Texas. Basically, she don’t want to run into Blake on the main street no more.

As for what Blake “has brewing“, he hinted at his plans on Twitter. Sadly, it sounds like he isn’t planning on opening a footwear store with Gwen Stefani called Boots n’ Creepers Couple’s Shoe-tique.

Hmmmm, I wonder what Blake has planned? Gosh, I wish he’d stop beering so vague. All jokes aside, I hope that Blake pays homage to his love of beer and names his brewery The Wet Mailbox.

Pic: Wenn.com

Screech Is Back In Jail Again

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

A little more than a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By The Bell, is back in again. The fuck-up is truly strong with this one. Page Six says that Screech was arrested in Wisconsin on Wednesday after violating the terms of his parole.

An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms. Maybe he showed the terms a clip of his sex tape? But they did confirm that he was in custody due to a probation whoopsie. Screech was put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so the obvious guess would be that his probation officer caught within 100 feet of a bar or a switchblade or the guy or something. However, sources tells TMZ that Screech’s arrest is drug related. Goddamn it, Screech, didn’t you learn anything from that PSA you made with Brandon Tartikoff? There’s no hope with dope!

I know that Dustin Diamond is like a moth to a forever fucking up flame, but damn if he didn’t go back to jail sooner than I expected. It’s barely been six weeks. Not to mention that only last week he was on Extra telling Mario Lopez that he wanted to put the “tomfoolery and malarkey” behind him and focus on starting a family. Maybe he missed jail too much and wanted to go back. But why? Who misses being in jail? Were Screech and his fellow inmates keeping themselves entertained by acting out old episodes of Saved by the Bell, and his early release fucked up the production schedule? “Look, I need to get back inside. They’re doing the fake IDs episode next week, and I’m the only one who knows the blocking for the scene at The Attic!

Pic: Ozaukee County Sheriff’s Office

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