Hollywood Thinks We Need A Remake Of “Little Shop Of Horrors”

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

There are many things from the 80s that I think should rebooted and brought back like Jell-O 1-2-3, Stacey Q’s career and The Charmings. But there are even more things from the 80s that I think should not be rebooted and should be left alone, and Little Shop of Horrors is at the top of that list. But since Hollywood is pretty much just a giant Audrey II who gets more powerful by eating and killing what you love most, they’re planning to remake Little Shop of Horrors.

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Johnny Depp Is Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actor

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

The shady paycheck-analyzing bitches at Forbes have released their annual “Actors with too many undeserved dollars in their wallet” list (aka Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors of 2016). For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has topped the list.

Forbes figured out the most overpaid actors like this:

Our rundown of Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors looked at the last three films each actor starred in before June 2016, save animated films, movies where the actor appeared in an insignificant role, or movies that were released on fewer than 2,000 screens.We then deducted the estimated production budget from the global box office for each film according to Box Office Mojo to come up with a limited definition of each movie’s operating income. We took the total operating income from the star’s three most recent significant films then divided by the star’s estimated pay for those films to come up with a final return on investment number.

Math isn’t my strongest brain function, so I’m taking Forbes’ word for it.

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Jocelyn Wildenstein Really Commits To The Whole Cat Thing

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! Your services are needed at Trump World Tower in Manhattan and not because the tortured and mangy cat on Donald Trump’s head needs rescuing. There’s a rabid pussy on the loose there. Or was, anyway.

Page Six reports that the socialite millionairess who spent millions of dollars to purposefully look like Simba in glamour drag was trapped in a net by animal control this morning and was sedated before she was shipped off to cat jail. No, but 15-year-old (in cat yearsJocelyn Wildenstein was reportedly arrested on feliney felony assault charges for allegedly scratching the face of her 49-year-old man Lloyd Klein during a violent fight in their Trump World Tower apartment at around 1:30 this morning. Sources say that Jocelyn also slashed Lloyd’s chest with scissors, which caused him to bleed.

Lloyd apparently had to shove Jocelyn into a closet to keep her from attacking him again. I’m sure that before he did that, he tried to distract her rabid ass with a laser pointer or paralyze her by tying a sock around her waist.

Jocelyn is way too damn old to be going wild like that. All the cats I know who are that old are always tired and if they wanted to hurt you, they’d just shank you with their eyes or piss on your shoes. I take back what I said in the headline about Jocelyn being committed to the cat thing. If she was really committed to acting like a cat her age, she wouldn’t be attacking Lloyd. She’d be too busy trying to clean her ass before giving up and taking her 99th nap of the day.

And if Jocelyn was Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s cat, she’d be on her way to a new home right now.

Pic: Splash

 

Amy Schumer Slaps Back At Everyone Who Thinks She’s Too Big To Play Barbie

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week it was announced that Amy Schumer is playing Barbie in Sony’s live-action Barbie movie, which was confusing to some people for a number of reasons, like why Sony was making a movie about Barbie over the much more glamorous fashion doll Tuesday Taylor (that’s confusing logic to me, at least). As Michael already pointed out, Barbie’s body is shaped like a Kardashian’s after a buggy photo-slimming app, and Amy Schumer’s body is shaped like a persons, which I’m sure made some people initially wonder how that was going to work. It was explained that Amy was going to play some sort of unconventional outcast Barbie. That made more sense. It didn’t matter to some people though, and they let it be known on Twitter that Amy doesn’t have the body to be playing any kind of Barbie. Well, Amy has words for those people.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Princemas Tree

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Do you celebrate Christmas but don’t get a tree because your deranged cat always tries to take it down? Comedian Darrell Joyce has the answer for you! Get yourself a Princemas tree. Your cat won’t dare try to disrupt the sexy. The Princemas tree will get that pussy in control. (UPDATE: The Princemas tree actually came from the genius mind of Darrell Joyce’s friend Elisha. You can read her reason for creating that purple glory here.)

Even though Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness probably didn’t celebrate Christmas since he was a Jehovah’s Witness, Darrell still put together a gloriously purple Christmas tribute to him in his living room. Darrell posted a picture on Facebook of the reason why doves cry today (SPOILER ALERT: they’re crying because that tree is so sexy and so gorgeous). Darrell dropped in this caption with it:

Dig if you willllll the picture….

Who cares if the real Prince wouldn’t be half as tall as Darrell’s Princemas tree even if he wore 12″ platform heels and stood on four dozen copies of Vogue’s September issue! That tree is still a glorious purple wonder. Although, a Princemas is kind of dangerous…. Not only do you have to risk finding Santa Claus making out with it on Christmas morning, but imagine if you woke up in the middle of the night with the thirsties and needed to walk through the living room to get some water in the kitchen? Those piercing sex-me eyes on your Princemas would cause you to almost have a heart attack. You’d call 911 screaming, “My heart can’t handle the sexy of my Princemas tree!

After the cut are a few more beautiful Princemas trees that Prince’s fans created.

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Shannen Doherty’s Husband Is Suing Her Former Management Team For Ruining His Sex Life, Among Other Things

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Shannen Doherty’s cancer lawsuit against her ex manager wrapped up a few months ago and now it’s her husband Kurt Iswarienko’s turn to file his own.

Shannen, who is deep in a battle with cancer, sued her former management, Tanner Mainstain Glynn & Johnson, for causing her SAG insurance policy to be cancelled due to a missed payment. Shannen argued that during the time it took her to reboot her insurance, her cancer showed up. Kurt has filed his own lawsuit against TMG&J and TMZ says the details of his lawsuit are similar to Shannen’s. Except Kurt’s lawsuit brings sex into it, or rather his lack of sex.

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