Lydia Deetz’s Forever 21 equivalent Katy Perry is currently on the cover of Forbes magazine, thanks to the crapload of money she made last year singing, hustling makeup, and getting into middle school girl fights with Taylor Swift (I don’t know those two could monetize that, but I’m sure Tay Tay found a way). And when Katy Perry called up Forbes and agreed to appear on the cover, Forbes pulled up their fanciest fainting couch and collapsed, because women don’t normally agree to that sort of thing. Katy spilled the rich person tea on Instragram yesterday:
“Before accepting the offer to be on the cover of Forbes, I was told that a lot of women have previously shied away from doing it. I wondered if it was because they thought socially it would look like they were flaunting or bragging or it wasn’t a humble decision. Ladies, there is a difference between being humble and working hard to see the fruits of your labor blossom, and your dreams realized. Hopefully this cover can be an inspiration to women out there that it’s okay to be proud of hard earned success and that there is no shame in being a boss. Also…don’t think that I didn’t celebrate this moment by going straight to Taco Bell and getting my crunch wrap supreme”
Maybe they kept turning it down because they were afraid they’d end up looking like the bastard baby of Scrooge McDuck and Magica De Spell? Maybe.
Posing on the cover of Forbes with the number of dollars you made last year floating above your shoulder is one of the more shameless ways to say “I’M RICH, BITCH!!!“, but I don’t blame her. Katy Perry earned $135 million, and she should be proud of it. Sure, she’s a grown woman who dressed up night after night like a rejected Nick Jr. cartoon from the 90s to get it, but $135 million is $135 million.
Remember when a “source” said those moving trucks outside of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s house weren’t there to move all his shit out and the trucks were being used to move out furniture before a big renovation? Well, either that source lied to us all or Ben and Jen are renovating their house so they get a bigger price on it when they sell that shit. Because Bennifer 2.0 announced today (the day after their 10th anniversary) that their marriage is done and they’re getting a divorce. Jennifer Garner is no longer fucking Ben Affleck. “I called it,” screamed pretty much every tabloid in the world.
Ben and Jennifer “exclusively” released this statement to People:
“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”
TMZ says that Ben and Jen are going to try to keep it clean and she’s not going to go all Stephanie March by ranting in court papers about how she was sick of him coming home and smelling like random pussy and casino smoke. They will share custody of their 3 children and are not going to file for divorce until they work out the property and custody situation.
And as the paps weep over the loss of Bennifer 2.0’s legendary photo-op struts, tabloid editors are also weeping, because now whose MARRIAGE CRISIS are they going to put on their covers every other month? (Answer: Beyonce and Jay-Z, probably.)
On the upside, that little monkey has already perfected his “I deeply regret my actions, Diane” face for his future exclusive interview with 20/20.
Johnny Depp’s messy down under animal adventure continues. First it was a dramatic fight with Australian agriculture officials over his Yorkie dogs Boo and Pistol being smuggled into the country, and now it’s an attack on his makeup artist by an angry monkey. What’s next? Amber Heard leaving him for Roger the buff kangaroo and taking his favorite hat with her?
According to the Daily Mail, Johnny’s makeup artist was taking a break on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean 5 when she found herself on the wrong end of a beat down from an actor monkey believed to be the same one who plays Geoffrey Rush’s sidekick, Jack the Monkey. The 54-year-old woman was reportedly hanging out on a sound stage (where a different movie was being shot) around noon today when the monkey ran up behind her and pulled a Mike Tyson by biting her ear. I guess that tiny Capuchin monkey mouth did some serious damage, because paramedics were called and she was rushed to the hospital.
Jack the Monkey was played by a monkey named Chiquita in the last 3 Pirates films, but there’s no word of whether or not it was Chiquita who went HAM on Johnny’s makeup artist. There’s also no word on what will happen to that angry monkey, but something tells me it just lost its SAG-AFTRA membership.
Even though Johnny’s makeup artist is currently stuck in the hospital recovering from her monkey bite, I doubt they’ll have to put shooting on hold. Johnny Depp doesn’t even really need a makeup artist; he’s become a pro at painting his own homeless hungover pirate drag.
Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.
Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)
Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t. Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:
Can’t wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to… #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015
Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.
TMZ says that Paris Hilton, seen above moments after she nearly pissed herself with fear after being “pranked” into thinking she was plunging to her death in an airplane by Egyptian prank show Ramez in Control, is beyond pissed at the “prank” and plans on suing the shit out of the people who set her up.
A source claims Paris wasn’t in on the joke and has apparently been telling her “business associates” (read: fellow mediocre button-pushing iTunes jockeys) that Ramez in Control will be hearing from her lawyers, because she has suffered emotional distress. She is also terrified to get in an airplane now. Well, at least now she knows how a penis feels once it realizes it’s about to enter Paris Hilton’s crotch of doom.
According to Paris, the pretend plane crash prank was way worse than it appeared in the video. She claims they almost hit the water during one of the dives and got dangerously close to doing a loop upside down. So not only was it a horrifying prank, it was also dangerous as fuck. No word on how much compensation for emotional distress Paris Hilton and her lawyers will be looking to squeeze out of Ramez in Control, but something tells me it will be enough to move Ramez to the 2:30am time slot on an Egyptian public access channel.
As anyone who enjoys a good prank knows, pranks aren’t supposed to be dangerous. They’re supposed to end with laughing. A better prank would have been to present Paris Hilton with an award for World’s Greatest DJ and Most Beloved Former Stupid Spoiled Whore before yanking it back and yelling “Sike! You’re still a crappy DJ and no one likes you.” Then she would have chuckled and said “Aw, you got me!” in that stupid fake baby voice of hers. We’d all laugh and Paris Hilton would be happy she got some attention. Everyone wins!
Pour out a jar of lace front bonding glue and begin mourning the loss of NeNe Leakes giving us fucked-up looks like the one above, because the last remaining original member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is leaving the show that made her a legend (in her own wig-covered mind). After 7 seasons, NeNe has packed up her trunk of wigs (including my favorite, the Dutch Boy scarecrow on meth wig above) and said BLOOP! to those messes.
After failing to win back Charlize Theron with a drunken late-night booty call (emoji of hot dog, emoji of screaming angry face, emoji of broken dish, emoji of winky face), it looks like Sean Penn has decided to run his crusty overcooked pot roast lothario game on someone new. TMZ says the lucky lady is Minka Kelly, aka Derek Jeter’s former long-term girlfriend, aaka that two-timing Riggins-riding tramp Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights. All together now: “RUN GIRL, RUUUUUN!!”
Minka semi-confirmed her future mistake by showing up at The French Laundry in CA’s Napa Valley with Sean Penn last Tuesday night. TMZ says 54-year-old Sean treated 35-year-old Minka to a birthday dinner along with three other people, who no doubt kept giving her “Him? Really?” eyes all night long. According to Sean Penn, who was talking loud enough that other tables could hear, he met Minka at a charity event for Haiti.
So far, neither has said anything about whether or not they’re grinding greasies, but Minka did Instagram this picture of her French Laundry birthday dinner and captioned it: “Birthday festivities off to a pretty magical start #thankyou #napa.”
What in the hell am I looking at? From what I can gather, I’m looking at a tiny-ass cup with a candle in it, a decorative tampon, and a spoon holding a gold glob of something. Is that what passes for a first date birthday cake these days? I hope Minka took one look at that yard sale plate of whatever, hissed “Call me when you get your hands on a Carvel” at that cheap bastard, and got up and left.
This isn’t what I had in mind when I asked you to toss my salad. – johnny boy
Everyone laughed when Jethro said he wanted to get circumcised. – Vernicious
Pic: The Morning Call (Thanks Mary)
The hot cop who made everyone say “Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal, WHO?” at NYC Pride on Sunday!
At Pride events in NYC over the weekend, several cops got caught serving the people some nipple boner-inducing, sweet glazed hot dance moves, but this Officer McPantyCreamer took the cake and freak danced on it. During the parade, the hot cop and his lucky dancer partner, who is a member of the New York LGBT softball league, brought the dirty and got down to Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Til’ You Get Enough.” They obviously didn’t listen to the lyrics of the song, because they stopped before I got enough. I wanted them to go full Dirty Dancing by recreating the lift.
Prepare to pucker as you watch a few seconds of this hot cop bust out some moves that are a cross between “nervous dude stripper on his first day on the job” and “Donkey Kong on Ecstasy.” If they ever make a Magic Mike 3, this cop needs to be its star:
And this is totally my idea of “stop and frisk.”
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