Kylie Jenner And Tyga Got Busted For Using Too Much Water On Their Lawns

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes – you hang your head in shame, Kylie Jenner! Also because that is one busted-looking discount Halloween store wig, but mostly because of the wasting water thing!

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Kim Jr. and her totally 100% not broke boyfriend Tyga are the latest selfish assholes to make Mother Nature cry with their water wasting. Just like Tom Selleck before them, Kylie and Tyga don’t exactly give a fuck that there’s a drought in California and that people are being encouraged to keep their lawns dryer than a mummy’s dusty butthole. And bad news for them, the Las Virgenes Municipal Water District has been monitoring water usage in their Calabasas gated community since June. It turns out that both Kylie and Tyga, who rents a house down the street from Kylie’s $2.7 million khompound (probably to make it easier to pick up his KUWTK checks), have been using too much. First their faces, now their lawns – is there anything this family won’t pump excessive amounts of clear liquid into? (Fillers are clear, right?)

Kylie was slapped with two violations this summer, which includes a fine of $100 for each offense. Eh, I think she can handle a couple $100 fines. Pimp Mama Kris Jenner still has her pimping out those hair extensions, right? If not, maybe she can dip into her college fund, since I think it’s pretty obvious she won’t be using that money for college.

The Las Virgenes Municiple Water District also ratted out David Hasselhoff, Dr. Dre, and Denise Richards for wasting water.

I have no idea why Kylie Jenner needs to keep her lawn so fancy. It’s not like she’s ever outside looking at it. Really, how are you supposed to appreciate an on-point front lawn when you spend every waking moment inside taking sleepy porn face selfies? You can’t. Besides, I though the only grass Kylie cared about is the kind you stuff into a Zig-Zag and smoke.

Speaking of being inside, here’s Tyga walking his 18-year-old girlfriend into a club last night. No, I have no idea why Kylie is dressed like Sailor Mercury’s cougary mom either.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Snapple’s Whipper Snapple! 

I had never ever heard of Whipper Snapple until a few weeks ago when my friend brought it up. She was talking about how she missed Whipper Snapple and was going to make a homemade one in the blender. I had no idea what she was talking about. I figured it was some kind of drug drink using Whip-Its and Snapple. But Whipper Snapple was a drink from Snapple that existed in the late 90s.

Whipper Snapple was just juice mixed with a mountain of sugar and milk. It came in flavors like pineapple orange and strawberry banana. My friend said it tasted like a melted Creamsicle, to which I said, “Then why don’t you just melt a fucking Creamsicle and drink that?” But apparently, Whipper Snapple was smoother and had that secret ingredient Snapple put in their drinks to keep hos in the 90s addicted. That secret ingredient was either heroin or the blood of the Snapple Lady.

Whipper Snapple isn’t around anymore. Snapple killed it around 2000. That sucks. I hate it when I find out that a possibly delicious drink from the past that I’ve never tasted is no longer with us. It’s especially sad when that drink looks like it would be extra delicious with a half bottle of rum.

Pic: Bevnet


Birthday Sluts

August 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Courtney Stodden (21)
Liam Payne (22)
Lauren Collins (29)
Lea Michele (29)
William Levy (35)
Chris Johnson (38)
Carla Gugino (44)
Meshell Ndegeocello (47)
Frances Ruffelle (50)
Todd English (55)
Rebecca De Mornay (56)
Mark Morris (59)
Deborah Van Valkenburgh (63)
Temple Grandin (68)
Robin Leach (74)
Joel Schumacher (76)
Elliot Gould (77)
John McCain (79)
William Friedkin (80)
Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

Pic: Instagram


Night Crumbs

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

This is Bryan Randall, the “super hot” photographer who is supposedly dating Sandra Bullock. Bryan Randall could be 2 feet tall, 300 pounds, have a Croc for a dick and have an actual butt for a face and he’d still be an upgrade from Jesse James Lainey Gossip 

Chelsea Handler looks like she’s trying to push out a stubborn fart – WWTDD

Kim Kartrashian may have successfully set the record for the most delusional shit said in one magazine interview – Reality Tea 

Ashley Madison’s CEO had many side pieces and he also recently stepped down. The good news is, now he has the time to pass his dick to the hos he meets on the site he used to be the CEO of – Celebitchy

Juliette Lewis’ nipples are in a magazine – (NSFW because of lady nipples) Drunken Stepfather

Subway allegedly knew that Subway Jared was a nasty pedo for a while but did nothing – The Superficial 

Miley Cyrus is just being Miley, which means she’s fucking whoever she wants and doesn’t have a full-time fuck partner right now – IDLYITW

This Tiny House is still bigger than many NYC apartments I’ve lived in and been in – Hollywood Tuna 

Emma Watson’s eyebrow game gets a B+ from me and it’d get a solid A if she used a Sharpie – Popoholic

Happy Friday, here’s Joe ManJello’s ass – OMG Blog

Happy Friday, again, here’s man nipples and cum gutters – The Berry 

I just found myself head bopping to a Justin Bieber song. I don’t deserve to be buried in a cemetery – Towleroad

Our Lady of Cheetos serving fashion forward future elegance, as usual – The Nip Slip

Adele may release a new album in November. Just in time to cry into your Pumpkin Spice Latte – HuffPo

THE GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD makes her grand return to Las Vegas – Popsugar

Joel Edgerton looks like he’s got a beaver resting on his belly, and I still would – Just Jared

Pic: YouTube


Michael Fassbender And Alicia Vikander Might Break-Up Because He Won’t Stop Partying

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I always forget that Alicia Vikander, from Ex Machina and The Man from U.N.C.L.E., has been bouncing on Michael Fassbender’s extra meaty crotch hose for a little while, but she has. However, she may soon permanently get off of that ride, because she’s getting bored and sick of him always party hopping and guzzling down the sweet nectar. Oh, Alicia. You should’ve tried to make it work with Alexander Skarsgard. He’d spend every night with you and stroke your hair as he reads you Jackie Collins novels in Swedish while you nuzzle against his strong mighty viking dick. At least that’s what he and I do in the fanfics I write about us.

Alicia and Assbender have been together since last year after meeting on the set of their movie The Light Between Oceans in Australia. A source type tells Star that 26-year-old Alicia is close to dumping 38-year-old Assbender’s ass, because the party never stops with him.

“Alicia knows Michael likes to have his fun, but she had no idea just how much. With Michael, life is basically a 24-hour free-for-all. He’s constantly boozing, smoking cigarettes, hopping from one party to the next. He says he’s just having fun, but Alicia’s getting bored with it.”

Of course, Gossip Cop heard from a “source” that this is a lie.

If it’s true, I can’t understand it, why Michael wants to hurt Alicia. After all of the things she’s done for him. She buys him champagne and roses and diamonds on his finger. Diamonds on his finger. Still, he hangs out all night. What is she to do? Alicia’s man wants to party all the time. Party all the time. And yes, I just quoted an Eddie Murphy song. It’s Friday. Leave me alone!

Here’s the first picture of Assbender in Assassin’s Creed and pictures of Alicia walking in London.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, 20th Century Fox, FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By Ashton Kutcher’s Wet Spot

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s come to piss this. Here’s Ashton Kutcher struttin’ through LAX last night with a stage 2 Fergie on his pants. Either Ashton forgot to shake or he pissed himself when the paps asked him for his thoughts on the Ashley Madison hack. Who knows, but I do know that I’m totally e-mailing this post to my mom. Because the next time she hangs out with her sisters and they all brag about what their kids are up to, she can say with pride, “Aww, isn’t that cute. Well, my son posted pictures of Ashton Kutcher’s pee pee spot on his blog.”



Tila Tequila Has Already Been Kicked Out Of The Celebrity Big Brother House For Being A Hitler Sympathizer Once

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I just love it when a picture gives you several options for you to label as “My Thoughts Exactly.” Do you go with the thumbs down on the left or do you go with the bored lady on the right who’s thinking to herself, “This bitch bint.

For the next few weeks, every event in Hollywood will be severely lacking in A-list stars, because many of them are over in England doing Celebrity Big Brother. CBB is doing a UK vs. US theme this season and the American cast includes: Tila Tequila, Backdoor Farrah, Jenna Jameson, Daniel Baldwin, Austin Armacost (from The A-List: New York), Fatman Scoop and Janice Dickinson. I know, it’s amazing that the walls of the CBB house didn’t immediately topple over from the massive force of all of that star power. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, but the walls are feeling a little less pressure today, because Tila Tequila has been kicked out.

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Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.

In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:

“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”

The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.

And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.

Pics: Splash, Getty

SeaWorld’s Brand Is Hurting Even More Thanks To Harry Styles

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

At a One Direction show in San Diego, CA on July 9th, Harry Styles, who is a dolphin lover (not like that, I think), told his army of crazed fans to stay away from SeaWorld:

The moment he said that, the sea creatures at SeaWorld started packing up their shit, because they knew it was only a matter of time before they’d be set free. The next day, SeaWorld wrote an open letter to Harry Styles. They asked him to come visit so that he can see all the good they do for dolphins and whales. It didn’t work.

Market Watch reports that analysts at the investment banking firm Credit Suisse measured a gigantic spike in hate on the Internet against SeaWorld right after Harry Styles declared a boycott. Credit Suisse measured “the ratio of positive to negative commentary across the Web.” Analysts say that in July, 2.5 million comments were made about SeaWorld and that’s a 400% spike from June. There was a 13% increase in negative comments. They say that was the biggest amount of anti-SeaWorld hate since Blackfish aired. Harry Styles doesn’t really deserve all the credit. Reports of a SeaWorld employee going undercover at PETA also hurt their asses.

SeaWorld is supposed to do a big re-launch in November to try to save their brand, but experts believe they’ll probably speed up their plans. Experts also think that SeaWorld will survive Harry Styles’ words. Or will they? Never underestimate the power of a toddler who is hypnotized by Harry Styles’ wild mane.

First, that Liam Payne one made Burger King bring back chicken fries by tweeting about how much he loves chicken fries and now this. Here I was thinking that the raccoons are going to enslave us humans and become our new overlords, but I was wrong. These jeggings-wearing yodelers will soon become our new dictators. But are they the kind of dictators who take requests? Because I’ll totally show my allegiance to Dictator Styles by tattooing cracked out birds on my nalgas if he tells Kraft to bring back Jell-O and commands his army to stop Trump.


Blame Taylor Swift For This

August 28, 2015 / Posted by:

It seems like Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer have been friends for about six minutes, but I’m sure they have already made each other friendship bracelets in a dozens of colors and played at least 5 games of Dream Phone during a slumber party. They went on vacation together and are co-writing a movie. And last night, the BESTEST FWENDS IN DA WORLD danced onstage to “Uptown Girl” at Billy Joel’s show. Poor Pimp Mama Kris. She just threw the matching virgin blood vial pendants she made for herself and Jennifer Lawrence into the incinerator. PMK thought they were best friends.

Billy played Wrigley Field in Chicago last night and when he busted out “Uptown Girl,” Amy Schumer came out and did the dance she does in Trainwreck. A quick second later, Jennifer Lawrence joined her and they danced before getting on top of the piano.

This whole “Please Welcome To The Stage” bit is totally a thing now and everyone is going to do it. I just hope it all leads to the ultimate “Please Welcome To The Stage.” I hope that during her show at a county fair, Stacey Q will say the words, “Please welcome to the stage, my biggest fan KIMMY GIBBLER!That would be the only good thing to come out of this new trend.

And at first I thought that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer make sense as best friends and are perfect for each other. But then I changed my mind when I saw this video (WARNING: Pull out the Pepto-Bismol if the sight of foot love gives you the heaves.)

Amy Schumer isn’t Jennifer Lawrence’s soulmate, Quentin Tarantino is! QT, come and get your foot-loving soul sister.

Pic: Instagram

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