UsWeekly says that after humping their way through 98% of the humans on Earth (I’m not good with math, so that number could actually be closer to 99%), Rita Ora and Gerard Butler humped on each other last month at a Hollywood hotel.
A source claims Gerard and Rita’s hookup began with “intimate dinner” together at the hotel’s restaurant before they took it upstairs. One person claims they “drank wine“, and that Rita gave Gerard a hug when he came back to their table after a break. Another person claims they heard Gerard’s penis whisper “Well, that’s it – that’s all the vaginas” before pulling out a tiny penis-sized typewriter and typing up its retirement speech.
Now, before you start getting forever fantasies about these two and daydreaming about how classy Rita Ora’s wedding would be, Gossip Cop is calling bullshit on UsWeekly’s story. They say that Gerard never rita’d her ora, and that there’s “no truth” to it all.
Who to believe, who to believe. On the one hand, it’s Gerard Butler, so even if he didn’t have sex with Rita Ora, he had sex with someone in that restaurant that night. On the other hand, who feels like fucking right after filling their gut with food and wine? They probably just went upstairs and shared a bottle of Pepto while Gerard asked her questions about her new album Anti.
If you’re still undecided, it might help to take a magnifying glass to these pictures of Gerard Butler at a Hugo Boss event in Spain earlier today and see if you can spot any of Rita Ora’s stray weave hairs stuck to his suit.
When Amanda Bynes’ one-time face idol and Rob Kardashian’s only friend Blac Chyna got arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport on Friday night for causing a booze-induced scene on a plane, cops found two ecstasy pills in a sunglasses case in her purse. Blac Chyna got hit with a felony drug possession charge on top of a public intoxication charge. Blac Chyna admits to being more drunk than me while babysitting (Reminder: Don’t ask me to babysit), but she says that the pills in her sunglasses case weren’t hers. They were the black kid’s pills! I can’t believe it’s 2016 and that Lindsay Lohan quote still takes up real estate in my brain.
TMZ says that the two pills were tested and cops discovered they were MDMA. Sources say that Blac Chyna swears on her Fix-A-Flat ass that the pills aren’t hers and she wouldn’t even know where to buy ecstasy pills from. Blac Chyna is suspicious, because she says that nowadays hos stick with MDMA powder and people no longer do pills. (“Ho, please” – some stuffed animal backpack-wearing 40-year-old raver who can’t let go of the 90s.)
Blac Chyna admits that she didn’t pack her own bags for her trip. Her assistants usually pack for her, but they weren’t there at the time. So somebody else packed her bags and she thinks that trick is responsible. She’s not naming names.
Sure, we can all pull out our Detective La Toya™ brand magnifying glass so we can get to the bottom of who packed Blac Chyna’s bag, but we don’t need to. It was obviously Pimp Mama Kris wearing a silicone FUPA, a whole lot of Dunkin’ Donuts perfume, a fake beard and amazing socks while in disguise as Rob Kardashian. But we do need to pull out our magnifying glass for a different reason. We need to pull it out to solve an even bigger mystery: Why in the hell does Blac Chyna have assistants?
And now in salty bitches being salty bitches news. Noel Gallagher, a man who I’m pretty sure shares DNA with the phrase “Piss off“, recently spoke to British GQ (via Daily Mail) about humanity’s current favorite crooning feels-maker, Adele, and – surprise! – Noel Gallagher still doesn’t like Adele. The last time Noel was asked about Adele’s music, he channeled his inner *so edgy* 9th grader by sneering that it’s music for “fucking grannies.” This time, Noel Gallagher went even harder by confessing that Adele’s existence is such a pain in his ass that it ruins his breakfast.
“Adele? I’m not a fan. She always comes on the radio when I’m having my cornflakes: ‘Hello?’ No, fuck off!”
Cornflakes, eh? I always pictured Noel Gallagher ate a bowl of wood chips and popcorn kernels every morning to guarantee that he’d have something to complain about. You really do learn something new every day. Obviously my first reaction to Noel whining about Adele would be to tell him to get off his ass and change the radio station. But then I remembered that Adele is our supreme overlord, and it doesn’t matter how far you turn the dial in any direction, Adele’s voice will be on it. And turning off the radio won’t do any good, because there’s always going to be that neighbor who belts out the chorus from “Skyfall” in the shower like they’re auditioning for Bathroom Idol.
Speaking of reality shows, Noel also took a tight shit on reality competition television. You know, because he wouldn’t want to give Adele the satisfaction of being the sole recipient of all his hate this week.
“I’ve been offered the X Factor twice and – right after I left Oasis – Strictly Come Dancing. Just ee-fucking-magine.”
Just once I’d love to know what Noel Gallagher likes. What am I saying? Noel Gallagher likes nothing! If an airline ever loses Bianca Del Rio’s Rolodex of Hate, she could call up Noel Gallagher and ask if he’d consider subbing in as a replacement. Again, listen to me acting like Noel wouldn’t shout “Fuck off, I’ve got cornflakes to eat” before hanging up the phone.
To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.
“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”
You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?
According to UsWeekly, Nick Jonas doesn’t have to flutter his eyelashes and play coy anymore when someone asks if he’s humping on Kate Hudson, because multiple sources say he’s humping on someone else now. And that someone else is hairy baldy DILF Hall of Famer Phil Collins’ 26-year-old daughter Lily. Apparently Lily and Nick have been friends for years, and they’ve been on a couple dates. Two weeks ago they went bowling (how teenage romcom of you two), and they recently got back from a ski trip together (how very teenage romcom of you two).
Even though it sounds like Nick and Lily are two cutesy Snapchats away from a picnic date in the park (that gets rained out, so they have peanut butter sandwiches in the living room instead), a source says it’s not that serious. I think that’s Kate Hudson’s cue to hop in the tub and tell her assistant to get the light meter.
“Nick’s single and having fun. Right now it’s not exclusive.”
Meanwhile, another source says that Nick “really likes Lily“, so who knows.
Because my brain has better things to worry about, like just how close to death my asshole will be if I eat that Taco Bell lasagna, I didn’t really know much about the third Jonas Brother’s love life. But I’ve learned a lot today. Like that one quick glance at Nick Jonas’ dating history tells me that Nick Jonas likes older women. Sure, Lily is only 3 years older, but older is older. And thanks to Selena Gomez, I was reminded me that Nick was once in a famous people love triangle.
With that being said, I can’t wait for the day I might get to type the words “Nick Jonas in love triangle with Betty White and Cloris Leachman.“
The executives at TLC recently looked at their Rolex watches and realized that it’s been about 198 days, 4 hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds since they pushed 19 Kids and Counting to the side. They probably figured that enough time has gone by for everyone to have completely forgotten about how one of the Duggars child touched his sisters and his parents dribbled out a river of holy bullshit while defending him. The TLC executives are right. We all have the memory of a goldfish with amnesia, so we don’t at all remember all of that and we’ll probably say, “What is this fresh new wholesome show?”, when TLC puts out the trailer for the new seasons of 19 Kids.
The Christian Post says that while rotting potato Josh Duggar is still in sex rehab for trolling for ass on Ashley Madison (because you know, that’s something to be “punished” over, but child touching stuff isn’t), his family of baby machines and the dudes they slave over are filming a new season of 19 Kids. TLC just couldn’t ignore the dollar signs that filled their eyes when their specials about Jill and Jessa Duggar did well. So they’re bringing that mess back. The rumor is that the new 19 Kids will follow 25-year-old washed-up geriatric old maid Jana Duggar as her crazy-eyed gorgeous mother and her creepy-faced dad force her to side-hug her way through possible human jizz machine after possible human jizz machine until they find the one who will turn her uterus into an always-booked Motel 6 for fetuses. At least that’s how I read Christian Post’s description:
Reports show that a camera crew was recently seen with the Duggar family. They were seen in several locations such as a lumberyard and a thrift store.
In addition, it was revealed that the upcoming focus of the new season will be on Jana Duggar. The premiere of the upcoming season will show her opening up about her sentiments on being single. Her younger sisters are already married and have families of their own, which causes her to compare herself to them.
Yeah, no. I don’t think that’s the direction TLC should take. The show should follow Jana after she escapes her mess of a family, goes to NYC to do a tell-all interview and decides to stay in the city. Jana will move in with a gay struggling actor and get a job as a nanny for a blond rich bitch. That’s a show!
Someone alert science (just call them up, whatever) and let them know we’ve found a human who is showing reverse signs of chronic dickmatization. It’s a miracle! Back in November, the long-lost fourth member of The Chipettes Selena Gomez was seen in an on-again moment with her forever on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. The Earth was almost knocked off its axis from the amount of “She don’t love herself” GIFs people threw in her direction. But it looks like we can finally stop worrying about Selena’s addiction to Bieber, because she recently admitted to W magazine that she is completely over his shit. “Welcome to the club” said everyone not named Justin Bieber.
David O. Russell says that his movie Joy (which to me, would’ve been an unwatchable bore if it wasn’t for Susan Lucci, Donna Mills and Isabella Rossellini hamming it up) was mostly based on the life of Huggable Hangers mogul Joy Mangano but is also based on the life of other business women who made something out of absolutely nothing. Well, David O made a wrong choice in choosing to base his hard-working business woman biopic on Joy Mangano because there’s a story out there of a lady entremanure (typo and it stay) who truly sweat, struggled and rubbed her wood pennies together to pull herself out of the slums of Santa Monica, CA and into the opulent life she built by herself and herself only!
“Wheee! Isn’t this fun? Say it with me: this is fun. This is fun. More fun than mom. What? Did I say mom? That was weird and totally unintentional.”
If reading about Gwyneth Paltrow’s ~so~ perfect relationship with her ex-husband yesterday made you gag and think “God, doesn’t ANYBODY hate their exes anymore?“, I have good news for you. Madonna still hates Guy Ritchie with the fire of 1000 burning anal warts. UsWeekly says Madonna hates him so much, she’s pulled out her pointin’ finger and accused her ex-cunt of trying to brainwash their son, Rocco Ritchie.
Even though a judge ordered him to pack his bags and return to his mama’s house six weeks ago, Rocco is still living with his dad in London, because Rocco doesn’t want shit to do with Madonna. Madonna’s original theory about Runaway Rocco was that Guy had been talking shit about her for years to their son in an attempt to recruit him onto Team Your Mom Sucks. Now she thinks he’s been doing more than just casually rolling his eyes and muttering “wanker” under his breath.
A source close to Madonna says she thinks Guy has been trying to brainwash Rocco before their next custody hearing, which is happening today. Guy has apparently been pushing the hard sell on Rocco by constantly telling him he should be living in London and not with his mom in New York. The source also claims Guy has taken a Kris Jenner approach to education by telling Rocco he can pretty much drop out any time he wants because school is for fools. Madonna isn’t a fan of quitting and wants him to stay in school. Again, she thinks he might be encouraging Rocco to drop out as a form of attempted brainwashing.
As for how Madonna is taking it all, the source says she feels “incredibly hurt” and that the situation is “really horrible.” Basically, on a scale of Desperately Seeking Susan to Shanghai Surprise, it’s a Swept Away.
So to recap: Guy’s brainwashing technique includes aggressively talking trash about Rocco’s mom, isolating Rocco from his mom, and encouraging him to drop out of school. I think the Church of Scientology’s recruitment club just found its latest guest speaker.
Here’s more of Guy and his son (“Son? More like hostage!!!” hollered Madonna) riding around London on their bikes over the weekend.
It was decided that ice rather than wax would really capture the essence of George & Amal. – folkyou
Wintercourse. – Mary Queen of THOTs