Let Tom Hiddleston Serenade You With A Christmas Carol

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

I now interrupt our regularly scheduled fuckery to bring you this video of Tumblr’s Co-Prince Tom Hiddleston making your mistletoe quiver by singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” with country musician Rodney Crowell. Tom is working with Rodney on the soundtrack to the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light and he took a break from working to spread some holiday cheer while the Hiddlestoners fill their panties with fresh eggnog.

Tom added another layer of AWWW to this video by singing that song while an adorable dog friend name Mono sat on his lap.

Something’s going on with Mono. He’s going through something. Either he’s a secret Cumberbitch and wants nothing to do with the scene going on here. Or sitting on Tom Hiddleston’s lap has caused him to be pregnant and he’s fighting morning sickness.

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Sony Should Just Make A Movie About The Making Of Future Train Wreck “Cleopatra”

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between  St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.

The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.

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Kanye West Reportedly Spent $74,000 On Christmas Presents For North West

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Meanwhile, at the PIMP Kompound (it’s where Kim Kardashian likes to store her in between Pretty Mommy photo ops) North West is interrogating 2 of her 10 nannies as to who is this strange man named Kanye West who would spend $74,000 on her. “He’s who? My dad? Get out! Really? I have a mom AND a dad? I wonder when I’ll get to see them?

According to Heat magazine (via Radar), Kim’s current husband Kanye Kardashian has spend $74,000 on Christmas gifts for their 18-month-old daughter North. Yes, seventy-four thousands of dollars. For a baby. Just one more reminder that we live on a garbage planet filled with garbage people. Kanye reportedly bought her a $62,000 diamond tiara and a $12,000 baby-sized car, both very practical gifts for a child who no doubt spends her days mashing soggy Goldfish crackers into the rug and trying to figure out what sound the cow makes. Apparently, Kanye got North an expensive-ass diamond tiara so that when she played dress-up, she could be a real princess, and he got her the car because it’s an exact replica of his. As if she would even know – the only car North has been in is the one she rides in every two weeks that takes her to and from pap appointments with her mom.

Obviously letting a baby play with $62,000 worth of diamonds is a next-level dumb idea, but I can’t throw any side-eye to that $12,000 baby-sized car. When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than a red Power Wheels Jeep, and I would have sold my entire collection of footless Barbies to get one (I chewed all the feet off my Barbies, which probably says a lot about me than I care to know). So yeah, am I jealous that North West got a baby car that’s more expensive than my adult car? Absolutely. The only thing better than a grown-up car is a battery-powered car you can ride through the house.

Stevie Wonder Is Officially A Daddy For The 9th Time

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.

Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.

I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For December 17th!

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Getting blindfolded commoner children to write the words ‘All Hail Queen Kate!’ from a piping bag full of mushy peas onto a deep fried haddock ball has always been one of her life’s small, guilty pleasures. – runic 2467

Upvote winner:

“Just apply the topping as I would with eyeliner, no that’s not enough.” – Tart of Darkness

Pic: Reuters

Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Jordan James Parke, the delicate and demure British rosebud who injected gallons of fillers into his petals to look like his beauty idol Kim Kardashian. Err, Jordan James Parke looks more like the baby that was pulled out of Harald Glööckler 9 months after his rhinestone-covered ovary eggs (yes, Harald has rhinestone-covered ovary eggs) were inseminated with the essence of Kylie Jenner. In other words, JJP looks a million times more gorgeous, stunning and glamorous than the dumpster mannequin he idolizes!

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Birthday Sluts

December 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Keith Richards (71)
Ashley Benson (25)
Tara Conner (29)
Josh Dallas (33)
Christina Aguilera (34)
Katie Holmes (36)
Sia Furler (39)
Trish Stratus (39)
Rah Digga (40)
DMX (44)
Rob Van Dam (44)
Victoria Pratt (44)
Casper Van Dien (46)
Rachel Griffiths (46)
Stone Cold Steve Austin (50)
Brad Pitt (51)
Charles Oakley (51)
Ray Liotta (60)
Leonard Maltin (64)
Steven Spielberg (68)

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Night Crumbs

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Happy Hump Day! Here’s Zac Efron giving you “power bottom in a 70s gay porn” hotness  while holding a puppy friend – Popsugar

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy’s matching black outfits tell me that they went to breakfast after a funeral or the world’s most boring goth party – Lainey Gossip

Okay, Kylie Jenner, the fun is over, you can take off that plastic female masking mask off now – Celebitchy

Viola Davis is Amanda Waller in the Suicide Squad movie – Jezebel

But what I want to know is, how much does Giggy Vanderpump get paid to wear those humiliating ass outfits? – Reality Tea

Oh, don’t mind Parasite Hilton, she just vagina burped up a lump of Zovirax, that’s all – Drunken Stepfather

That sound that sort of sounds like the corpses of cows mooing in pain is from all that leather stretching around Khlozilla’s giant ass – Egotastic!

Kendull Jenner is in Vogue again because Pimp Mama Kris’ maker, Lucifer, wants you to know that he still has a contract with Anna WintourHollywood Tuna

What in the name of a chola parrot? – WWTDD

Yeah and that’s exactly what OctoMom said until her checking account flatlined – The Superficial

Erasure brings strangers together – Towleroad

Jennifer Lawrence’s outfit is having an identity crisis – Popoholic

These Santas can slide down my chimney anytime and they might get a plate of cookies (or crabs) out of it - The Berry

Jennifer Lawrence’s new dude is either a director named Gabe Polsky or pizza – ICYDK

Hollywood: 0 North Korea: 2 – HuffPo

Here’s Naomi Campbell getting ready to bury dead bodies while wearing lingerie, because that’s just what she does – OMG Blog

This mother of political party opposites is all of us – SOW

The Interview isn’t coming out EVER – Just Jared

Feminism: Jane the Virgin learns what it is on Twitter – Pajiba

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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Sony Officially Kills “The Interview”

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

After all of the major movie theater chains dropped The Interview like they were Britney circa 2006 and The Interview was SPF, Sony has decided that there’s no reason to release that bad decision to the 3 theaters in the country who will show it. They have scrapped all plans to release that mess on Christmas Day and learned the hard way that James Franco ruins EVERYTHING! Annie, however, is still opening on Friday as scheduled.

Here’s Sony’s full statement via Deadline:

In light of the decision by the majority of our exhibitors not to show the film The Interview, we have decided not to move forward with the planned December 25 theatrical release. We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.

Sony Pictures has been the victim of an unprecedented criminal assault against our employees, our customers, and our business. Those who attacked us stole our intellectual property, private emails, and sensitive and proprietary material, and sought to destroy our spirit and our morale — all apparently to thwart the release of a movie they did not like. We are deeply saddened at this brazen effort to suppress the distribution of a movie, and in the process do damage to our company, our employees, and the American public. We stand by our filmmakers and their right to free expression and are extremely disappointed by this outcome.

Meanwhile, in the basement of her mansion, “computer noviceSt. Angie Jolie picked up the phone, dialed Universal and said, “Mission accomplished. The #1 spot at the box office is ours to lose now! Blelehehehehe!” Hackers was a documentary.

No, CNN reports that “law enforcement sources” tell them that the hackers are working for North Korea and the order came from the top. I swear, that Kim Jong-un trick is such an overdramatic spoiled baby bitch. He is King Joffrey on steroids. I can’t believe his ass lips would get twisted over some stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. If that made him have a hissy fit and threaten to nuke us, then I hope he never sees Team America. Can’t Dennis Rodman just whisper, “Baby, don’t be mad, call off your dogs for your honey,” into Kim Jong-un’s ear as they spoon?

Open Post: Hosted By Bruno Mars’ Gold Curlers

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Bruno Mars, the Puerto Rican Jewish Morris Day, is still trying to make wearing curlers in public happen.

The funky Hobbit works the “James Brown at the beauty shop” look in the video for Uptown Funk and while performing the song on the finale of The Voice with Mark Ronson last night, he once again got all Beauty School Dropout. Yes, your mother worked it better when she yelled at your brat ass in the booze section of the supermarket as she tried to find the perfect pink wine for the holiday party she hosted that night, but I am all for this look. Bruno really should’ve went all the way by wearing a gold housecoat with gold slippers and halfway through his performance he should’ve pulled off that gold slipper and waved it at the gold brats playing in his hard. This is pimp grandma glamour:

And hopefully for his next performance he really brings on the tingles by wearing these:

pinkrollersfoamglamour

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