My vote and upvote winner:
There once were two toilets named Mary
Who stood next to something quite scary.
When the peens came to call
They could handle it all
Even though sizes may vary. – OurMissC
In the 80s and 90s, we were really easy to entertain (although, some things never change since I spent a good chunk of my night watching more cyst popping videos on YouTube, because I never want to swallow food again), so the Splash Out ball from the early 90s brought hours upon hours of wet fun. There was really nothing to it. You stuck a water balloon in it, set the timer and played Hot Potato with a group until the loser got a face full of water. I know, a ball exploding liquid in your face… EVERYTHING in the early 90s was HIGHLY inappropriate.
The Splash Out ball must’ve been cheap, because I had one and most of my friends had one. Mine broke almost right away after some careless ass dropped it on the concrete, but it brought tons of wet fun before it’s tragic murder. When nobody was around, I’d play a game of Splash Out by myself. I’d put it on the ground, wait for a few seconds, pick it up and repeat until it exploded. Playing Splash Out by myself was the saddest moment in my life (until last night when I watched 7 cyst popping videos in a row).
Weird Al Yankovic (55)
Amandla Stenberg (16)
Ireland Baldwin (19)
Briana Evigan (28)
Jessica Stroup (28)
Izabel Goulart (30)
Meghan McCain (30)
Cat Deeley (38)
Ryan Reynolds (38)
Steve Wilder (44)
Dr. Sanjay Gupta (45)
Brooke Theiss (45)
Augusten Burroughs (49)
Robert Trujillo (50)
Nancy Grace (55)
Sam Raimi (55)
Martin Luther King III (57)
Dwight Yoakam (58)
Ang Lee (60)
Michael Rupert (63)
Baby Jane Holzer (74)
Philip Kaufman (78)
Barron Hilton (87)
This is Johnny Depp as The Wolf in Into The Woods. I’m guessing that in this version, Little Red Riding Hood never makes it to grandma’s house, because she laughs herself into a coma from seeing The Wolf looking like a cross between Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear and Riff-Raff from Heathcliff - i09
Here’s a hooded Bendadick Cumsinbatches and sadly that link doesn’t lead to pictures of his uncut peen – Lainey Gossip
Kate Gosselin is having a yard sale, so if you’re in the market for a kid or Jon Gosselin’s nutsack, you know where to go – Reality Tea
Selena Gomez has jumped off the douche peen and is back on the elf peen (maybe) – Celebitchy
A bald James Franco, Megan Fox, fake blood and a white boa are in the same picture together and I don’t know what’s going on but I’m sure HIGH ART is being made – Drunken Stepfather
Beyonce and Jay-Z renewed their vows, which means they’ll be divorced in 6 months – Time
Shia LaDouche says something about Christianity and I need to find God myself, because I’m actually starting to get the tingles over his shirtless pictures – The Superficial
Try not to fall over with shock, but a Catholic school is not letting a lesbian drama starring Julianne Mooore and Ellen Page shoot on their campus – Towleroad
Somebody kindly tell Kelly Brook that Brit Brit owns the fug boots game in L.A. – Hollywood Tuna
The Porn Iguana gets naked and gives you a picture straight out of a MILF’s casual encounters Craigslist ad – WWTDD
And I’m pretty sure the Florida Mom action figure has more meth-related accessories than the Walter White action figure – Pajiba
Joan Rivers was rich. QVC money is no joke – Gawker
Vanessa Hudgens knows Coachella is still months away, right? – Popoholic
Pimp Mama Kris wants all the rich dudes out there to know that Kylie Jenner is still up for sale – ICYDK
Chris Evans and Minka Kelly are probably doing it again – Popsugar
John Mayer and Bob Saget are probably doing it too – Just Jared
I think I spot a poopy floating in those bubbles – SOW
Ke$ha wants to go to there – The Berry
We’ve all been there. We’ve all ended up in a booth at KFC after our bastard live-in piece dumped us. We’ve all tried to drown our feelings with chicken wings, french fries and that gross tub of lawnmower barf they try to pass as coleslaw. We’ve all woken up in a puddle of our drool and biscuit crumbs on a KFC table and have watched the sun set 7 times as our salty tears fall into a Styrofoam tub full of mashed potatoes. We’ve all kept the bathroom door shut with one foot as we wash the 3-day stank out of our chonies in the sink. It has happened to all of us and it happened to 26-year-old Tan Shen of Chengdu in China.
At Elle’s Women In Hollywood Awards (aka The Second Unveiling Of Renee Zellweger’s New Mug ) in L.A. on Monday night, Tina Fey was given an award and during her acceptance speech, she praised the late great Jan Hooks while dropping a glorious deuce on Deuce Bigelow. Here’s a piece of Tina’s speech via Vanity Fair:
“She was another woman who meant so much to me. When we were doing 30 Rock and we needed to cast Jane Krakowski’s estranged Florida dirtbag mother and I thought, ‘My God, do you think we could get Jan Hooks? And the answer was like, ‘Yeah, you can get her.’ She was living in Woodstock. And the phone was not ringing.
She was actually a little shy about jumping back into the game. And she came down and she was so funny. We did a scene where Jenna and her mother are reunited [and they] sing their duet that they used to sing in pageants when Jenna was a child. And it was a mother and a daughter singing to each other, ‘Do that to me one more time . . . ’ And it was so funny and the crew was so mesmerized. It was all at once the most ridiculous and heartbreaking and beautiful [and] weird mother-daughter relationship. And I’m so proud of it.
It made me sad when she passed, and it made me mad at the time how available she was. Jan should have had a bigger career. Jan deserved a big movie career. Certainly as big as Rob Schneider’s fucking career. She was a bigger star on S.N.L.”
You know who’s not laughing at that quick burn to Rob Schneider’s asshole? Tina’s accountant and manager. Tina really stepped it in barefoot this time, because now she’ll never get a call for the lady lead in The Animal 2.
And on a soundstage up in heaven, Jan Hooks is taking a break from shooting a big-budget Candy Sweeney movie and is thinking to herself, “So THAT’S what I should’ve done. I should’ve been Adam Sandler’s best friend.”
So that’s where Renee Zellweger’s signature squint went.
As her on-and-off again husband Kieran Somethingrather and her kids, Junior, Jett, Bunny and Princess Tiaandtameramowry (Harvey is too good for this shit) stood on the sidelines, Katie Price, the reincarnation of Jane Austen once again injected illegal amounts of extravaganza and glamour into London during a photocall for “May Your Wish Come True,” the 10th novel she didn’t write.
The last bit of shame and dignity I had went away a long time ago when I hooked up with a dude I met on Gay.com (that should tell it was ancient times) who told me that he wasn’t really attracted to me but he’ll do me anyway since he was horny, so I will openly and proudly admit that I’ve read many novels written by Katie Price’s ghostwriter. I’ve read them, because I consider myself a literary connoisseur who fully appreciates when my brain is stimulated by stories from the greats. But besides scholars, Ivy League literature majors and readers of complex fiction like myself, who in the hell is buying her books? You know, I shouldn’t question it. I should appreciate it. Because every time Katie Price queefs up another soft-core literary masterpiece, she launches it with one of those glamorous and hilarious (glamarious?) photocalls.
Everything about her look at today’s photocall was potent perfection from the Shauna Sand special on her hooves to the way her huge fake tits looked like two aggressive melons butting each other to that ensemble which looks straight out of a holiday-themed Frederick’s of Hollywood fashion show held in the parking lot of a strip mall outside of Las Vegas.
That look is a mix of “slutty Liberace” and “Snow Queen porn parody on Brazzers.“In other words, it’s perfect.
As Always, Matthew McConaughey Brought Stoned Armadillo Realness To The American Cinematheque Awards
Last night, His Royal Hiiiighness The Sun-Baked Bongo King Matthew McConaughey was honored with an American Cinematheque Award for his tireless efforts to just keep livin’ and awright awright awright-ing (and also maybe for acting). But I guess he figured it wasn’t that much of an honor, since he’s already won the only acting award that counts – AN OSCAH!!! – so he said fuck it and decided to collect his award looking like a high-ass reptile who spent the afternoon passed out on the beach in a sandy pile of Doritos and empty Bud Light Lime-A-Rita cans. “Who says I didn’t? Awright awright awright.”
I’m not sure what an American Cinematheque Award is, but it sounds French, so bravo Le T-Rex du Texas! I mean, it had to be at least a little bit of a big deal to win, since he brought the most glamorous woman in his life to help him collect his award. No, I’m not talking about his wife Camila Alves. I’m talking about the stunning sunset-colored Texas Topaz who birthed him, Mary Kay McConaughey! Momma Kay became my favorite of the Hollywood Moms the time she flashed her Spanx-covered buttermilk biscuit on the red carpet. She’s the true star of the McConaughey family! Give her the award! At least you know she won’t show up looking like a dude named Lyzard who keeps getting busted for trying to sell stale weed from the cereal aisle at Walmart.
Here’s more of The Sun-Baked Bongo King picking up his ACA with his wife Camilla (who looks kind of like what you’d get if you used the ‘Make Look Human’ tool in Photoshop on a picture of Kim Kardashian, aka gorgeous), Matt’s hot mom Kay, and some of Matt’s former co-stars, like AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, Jennifer Garner, Kate Hudson, Jessica Chastain, and Anne-with-an-E Hathaway looking like the long lost 5th member of the South Park goth kids:
Every now and again the phrase “THE FUCK?” has to redefine itself and show you that it still has it. Case in point: Radar says that Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us hos who religiously watched the US version of Queer as Folk) has come down with a case of the BABIES!!! and Bryan Singer is the dude who fapped into the turkey baster that knocked her up.
Radar’s source is saying that Michelle will birth out Bryan’s baby in December and that he’s paying her $1 million to be his surrogate. But TMZ has a different story. Their source (aka Bryan’s damage control specialist) says that Bryan isn’t raising the baby by himself. It’s a Clay Aiken situation (or kind of a Lindsay and Brian situation if you watched QaF). Michelle and Bryan have been best friends forever and decided they wanted to have and a raise a human child together. The source says they made the decision before Bryan Singer was hit with sexual assault allegation after sexual assault allegation. The source also denies that Bryan filled Michelle’s checking account with $1 million, but he did buy her a house near his home in West Hollywood and he’s paying for all of her living expenses. So when you add up the living expenses and the West Hollywood house, Michelle is probably making more than $1 million. #getmoneyiguessbitch
The source also let it be known that Michelle’s name will be on the birth certificate and the kid will live with her. Bryan is also free of sexual assault lawsuits, for now, because Michael Eagan dropped his lawsuit in August, but he may file again.
I always knew Bryan Singer was the “daddy” type, but not the actual daddy type. Isn’t a drooling, crying, burping baby going to mess with his twinks and coke pool party schedule? I don’t know if he’s doing this to look more family friendly for the X-Men crowd, but throw in Melanie Marcus and the whole thing becomes a thick layer of HUH? I just want to slip into a counter seat at Liberty Diner, order a root beer float and ask Debbie what she thinks about this.
According to TMZ, Jennifer Lopez – the Barbie to Ariana Grande’s Skipper (you know, if Skipper was created at a Bratz factory located in the 7th circle of Hell) – is in the middle of negotiating a residency at The Axis at Planet Hollywood. Did you just hear that? Literally every JLo impersonator in Nevada just threw their best pair of padded ass panties across the room in a fit of rage.
TMZ says that JLo is being offered $350,000 per show for 72 shows (3 times a week for 24 weeks) over a one-to-two year period. JLo would join another shimmering jewel from the early 2000′s TRL-era, Britney Spears, who is currently performing at The Axis. To put JLo’s $350,000 per show into perspective, Brit Brit only makes $310,000 a show but she gets 96 shows over a two-year period, which means she ends up making more money in the end (because it would be a crime not to pay the Chicken-Fried Princess of Kentwood anything less than top dollar). In case you’re bad at math, Britney is getting almost $30 million to lip-synch “Baby One More Time”, while JLo would get a little over $26 million to lip-synch “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here getting paid NOTHING to lip-synch RuPaul’s “Peanut Butter” at my desk all day. RUDE!
I’m not sure how I feel about JLo bringing her sexy Miami cougar realness to Las Vegas, but I think I like it? JLo can still break it off, dance-wise, and I bet she’ll be a real treat after 3 or 4 of those $8 booze-filled slushies you can buy everywhere on the strip. Not to mention she’d make an excellent Cristal Connors if her and Brit Brit ever want to do a Showgirls-themed number together. Oh my god – Planet Hollywood, I don’t care how much it costs, PLEASE make that happen!