Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.
Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.
When it was announced that Law & Order: SVU legend Stephanie March and Lucky the Leprechaun’s smug-faced cousin Bobby Flay were quitting each other after 10 years of marriage and that it maybe had something to do with Bobby letting his assistant sample his chorizo, I knew it was only a matter of time before there was some prenup drama. Why? Because a Hollywood divorce is nothing without prenup drama! We already know that Stephanie wasn’t happy with the BBQ-basted prenup Bobby had her sign back in 2005, and now she has a reason, or at least a really good excuse, for why they should toss it in the trash.
TMZ says that Stephanie and Bobby’s prenup guarantees her $5,000 a month plus a $1 million buyout for their home, but Stephanie has an itchy #getmoneybitch hand and she’s looking to yank more cash out of Bobby’s wallet. Stephanie has filed documents claiming that she’s the reason Bobby is a meat-grilling millionaire, and therefore deserves a chunk of his cash. Stephanie says that Bobby once told her she has an “amazing palate” (“Yeah, he told me that too” said every chick who has ever blown Bobby Flay) and that he relied on her to taste everything he made before it went into his restaurants to make sure it was good.
Stephanie also claims that during a trip to Spain, she pushed Bobby to include tapas on the menu of his (now closed) restaurant, Bolo. Bolo became a success, and Stephanie thinks that’s her doing. She also adds that she helped with the design of his restaurants and picked out which music to play.
Of course, TMZ claims Bobby thinks Stephanie is full of BS, and he’s the reason his restaurants are successful.
It feels like every time I turn on the Food Network, Bobby Flay’s beady little ginger eyes are staring back at me from behind a barbeque or Giada De Laurentiis’ left shoulder, so he’s definitely getting paid. But to hand it over to someone who claims they picked out all the music for your restaurant 10 years ago? If a judge buys that, then I need to go to the bar I worked at in 2005 where I picked the music (Jordy Birch’s “Moola Moola” on a loop because my iPod was broken) and demand some money.
“Yes? And?” thought Hollywood, before it called up an airbrushed picture of an unborn fetus and informed it that they got the part as Johnny Depp’s girlfriend.
During an interview with The Wrap, 37-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal confessed that she was recently told she was too damn dusty to play the love interest of a 55-year-old dude and was shown the door. For those of you who are bad at math, that means someone thought an age gap of 18 years wasn’t large enough. Is Hollywood run by gross old men who are taking advice from barely-legal gold diggers? Wait, don’t answer that.
“There are things that are really disappointing about being an actress in Hollywood that surprise me all the time. I’m 37 and I was told recently I was too old to play the lover of a man who was 55. It was astonishing to me. It made me feel bad, and then it made me feel angry, and then it made me laugh.”
In the real world, it’s not weird for a 55-year-old to date a 37-year-old. And 37 is young in regular years! But in Hollywood years, a 37-year-old woman is basically a mummified corpse. Come on Maggie, you’ve been in Hollywood long enough to know the casting breakdown for women based on their ages. Anything 0-17 is a daughter, 18-21 is a girlfriend or fiancé, 22-25 is a wife, 26-35 is an ex-wife, 36-40 is a grandmother, and anything older than that gets witch, scary homeless gypsy woman, or wrinkly old lady watching TV in a nursing home. What am I saying? Even the casting notice for the role of nursing home lady would be like “Yes, she’s at death’s door, but nothing over 51 please.”
And like it even matters how old Maggie Gyllenhaal is? It’s Hollywood! They’ll just end up CGI’ing all the age out of her face anyway.
Actually, more like, “The Bi-Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttfuckme,” amirite?
“Hollywood insider,” socialite and friend of the Porn Iguana Hesham “Sham” Ibrahim (I know, his nickname is “Sham.” Too easy.) EXCLUSIVELY tells Star Magazine that it’s been known in certain circles for a decade that Brad Pitt also gets hungry for peen and regularly leases dick from hustler sites like Rentboy.com. Sham said that he’s not going to define Brad’s sexuality, but he knows that Brad fucks dudes from time to time. But Sham says that Brad is a picky eater, so to speak, and has sent a hooker away for not being up to his standards.
Sham says that ten years ago, Brad picked out the late porn star Cameron Fox on RentBoy and made plans to meet him at a hotel in Monterey, CA. I guess Brad wasn’t into the goods that Cameron served up, because Sham claims that he sent the dude away. Picky ass Pitt!
“When [Cameron] got there, an assistant met him in the lobby and took him to a room. Sure enough, there was Brad Pitt. Brad took one look at him, gave him a thousand dollars and asked him to leave. Cameron wasn’t as attractive as he appeared to be in his pictures. I guess Brad has picky taste.”
Since Cameron Fox is not with us anymore, he’s obviously not available to say if Sham’s story is lies covered in lies or not. Sham has heard that it’s kind of common for Brad to turn away rented ass, but when he finds a piece he’s into, he has a “routine” he busts out.
“They said he seemed to have the whole scenario pretty much worked out.”
As for Dame. St. Angie Jolie, Sham, who personally knows Brangelina as well as the nose pimple I just popped does, doesn’t think she’d mind since she’s into peen and poon herself.
Okay, but where are the only details any of us care about? I mean, is Brad Pitt a sloppy bossy pig bottom, a flip flop fucker, a BDSM power top or what? When Brad Pitt hires two rent boys, does he say to them, “I want you to Pitt roast me!” Does Brad Pitt’s greasy, cheesy ass get a discount since he’s pre-lubed? I cannot take this story seriously until I get these highly important details. Oh, Star Magazine, to think, I thought I knew you as a highly-esteemed literary journal that cared about uncovering important details like that.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
Since no one could properly decipher the messages found in crop circles, the aliens developed a new method of communicating with the human race. – Tarot
Mother nature clearly thought she was alone. – Lump off
KFC Japan’s sexy, flirty, big-tittied chicken nugget mascot! And just like that, thousands of chicks (human women, not actual chicks) found their next Slutoween costume!
KFC Japan sees McDonald’s hipster Hamburglar and raises them a sexy chicken nugget. Comedian Danny Choo laid eyes on this symbol of pure poultry fuckery at a KFC in Japan and a posted a picture of it on his Facebook page this past weekend. That chicken nugget has probably been pumped full of so many goddamn hormones that she’s grown big chichis (Chicken breasts on a chicken breast!) and Kylie Jenner-approved lips. It was bound to happen. (Side question: Are they throwing shade at legendary KFC hater Pamela Anderson by turning her into a chicken nugget?)
Cosmo says that the Japanese words inside of her talk bubble translates into: “I’ll make it boneless for you <3″ In English that means, “I think you’re saying that you’ll fuck my boner until it goes soft, but I’m not so sure.” But Redditors say that in Japanese it means, “You will fall for me.”
The sexy chicken nugget is also on KFC Japan’s website where she strikes a “come hither” pose while that horny ass Colonel Sanders and a drumstick fall in love with her and think to themselves, “I want to dip you in BBQ sauce and eat the hell out of that ass, nugget pussy, face, head, chichis, etc…” I’m not sure if KFC Japan is promoting chicken cannibalism, bestiality, sitophilia or all of the above.
And then there’s this. I don’t know what’s going on exactly, but I think she passed out after eating her own.
You know some sucio bitches are going to jack off to this. So if you order chicken nuggets at a KFC in Japan and wonder what kind of gravy that is on top, it’s not gravy. Also, Phoebe Price should probably contact her lawyers, because I’m pretty sure this is infringing on her look in some way.
Tom Daley (21)
Hutch Dano (23)
Sarah Ramos (24)
Mutya Buena (30)
Briana Banks (37)
Fairuza Balk (41)
Noel Fielding (42)
Lisa Edelstein (49)
Kevin Shields (52)
Nick Cassavetes (56)
Judge Reinhold (58)
Mr. T (63)
Al Franken (64)
Leo Sayer (67)
I don’t ever need Scientology, because when I looked at this terrifying picture of Tom Cruise looking like a deranged hillbilly hitchhiker killer (“So you mean less crazy-looking than usual?” – you), all the Thetans jumped off of my body and ran toward the nearest exit. Thank you, Tommy Girl! – Lainey Gossip
Chris Pine’s new reality show piece sort of looks like Hoku. I think that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to anybody – Celebitchy
Uncle Terry took pictures of Gisele Bundchen for W Magazine Korea. No word if he kept his creeper dick in his pants while doing so – Drunken Stepfather
Finally, the triumphant return of Zoila from Flipping Out is near! – Reality Tea
Somebody who isn’t even close to being a star won Dancing with the Stars – The Superficial
Mimi should really make her human walking stick coordinate with her ensemble – IDLYITW
There’s really nothing more American than a bunch of sweaty, half naked Naval Academy dudes scrambling up a monument that looks like a square, pointy dick. It’s my favorite time of year! – Towleroad
This is my future (I wish): Part 2 – Hollywood Tuna
Adrianna from the 90210 reboot is at Cannes for some reason – Popoholic
Janice Dickinson is suing Bill Cosby for saying that she lied about him drugging and raping her – Jezebel
On a happier note, here’s Maya Rudolph proving that she needs a Las Vegas residency – OMG Blog
Lorde broke up professionally with the dude who discovered in the tree trunk outside of a witch’s lair many, many years ago – ICYDK
Carlton Banks is the new host of America’s Funniest Home Videos and yes, America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on – SOW
Now that Australia has gotten Boo and Pistol Depp out of the country, they’re coming for Nickelback next – HuffPo
Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed went to Cannes, are still married – Popsugar
Xtina did a bunch of impersonations and sadly, Samantha from Sex and the City wasn’t one of them – The Berry
Conan O’Brien said nice things about David Letterman, but I didn’t read any of it, because I was too hypnotized by that ginger tidal wave crashing into his forehead – Just Jared
We all said, “Marina, you in danger, girl” to performance artiste Marina Abramović yesterday when she told Spike Art Magazine that Jay Z did her dirty and fucked her over. Jay Z came to her in 2013 about adapting her work The Artist Is Present for his music video Picasso Baby. Marina agreed to do it as long as he made a donation to her art institute. Marina told Spike Art that she kept her end of the deal, but Jay Z did not keep his. He didn’t donate shit. Marina said she felt the same way I feel after a one night stand: used and thrown away. Now, while I like that feeling, Marina does not. Well, as it turns out, Jay Z did give her a bag of gold coins.
In related news, Marina Abramović has announced that for her next piece, titled The Artist Is Presently Kissing Ass, she will kiss Jay Z’s bare ass continuously for 17 hours straight so he doesn’t send the Illuminati after her.