Ryan Adams Was Like “Sure, Whatever” And Performed One Of Bryan Adams’ Songs During A Recent Show

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

After what I assume has been years and years of telling people “No, you’re thinking of the Canadian guy who sang that panty-dropping ballad from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves“, Ryan Adams – aka the Mandy Moore one - decided to acknowledge Bryan Adams by singing a cover of “Summer of ’69″ at a show at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville on Tuesday night.

Ryan Adams sort of has a rough history with the Ryman Auditorium. According to Rolling Stone, hecklers at the Ryman have caused him to lose his shit on two different occasions (the first time ended with Ryan tossing a heckler out and whipping $40 at them as they left). Dude does not play when it comes to “Summer of ’69″ requests. But for some reason, he gave in and sang it on Tuesday night. If I had to guess what made him change his mind, I’d say it was probably because he finally got tired of hearing his conscience whisper “Dude, don’t fight it – Bryan Adams is a fucking artiste.”

As a Canadian person, it’s my job as a good citizen to say something if I see someone committing a crime, so I’d like to report an act of dishonor. If you’re going to cover “Summer of ’69″, aka Canada’s third national anthem (the second is the sound of people trying to sing the chorus of “Informer” by Snow), then you do it right, goddamnit. What is this shit? It’s so slow. “Summer of ’69″ is meant to be screamed from the inside of either a car headed to the cottage or a karaoke bar after 6 beers while wearing head-to-toe denim. Plus, at some point, one of your friends has to pretend to throw you a guitar. It’s the rules!

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Sandra Lee Is A Savior To Baby Seals

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Most of us know Sandra Lee as the First Lady of New York and a culinary genius who can make a delicious and refreshing mojito out of stuff you have lying around the house like Lime-A-Way, mint-flavored mouthwash and leaves. But what we don’t know is that Sandra Lee is also a modern day Artemis. Case in point: She saved a baby seal this week!

Page Six says that the greatest thing to happen to the food world since taco-flavored Doritos (RIP) was strolling along the beach in Malibu on Tuesday morning when she noticed a distressed, washed-up creature who was probably heaving and gurgling in pain the way most people do after eating a slice of her world famous Kwanzaa cake. Usually when you see a blubbery, washed-up creature rolling around in distress on the beach in Malibu, you figure it’s just Charlie Sheen after snorting some bad coke again. But this time it was a baby seal in need. Sandra dropped the shells she planned to use in a future tablescape, put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and ran toward the baby seal.

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And Now For The Dramatic Instagram Fight Between Demi Lovato And The Artist Responsible For Her “Vagina Tattoo”

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you staring at Demi Lovato’s body like it’s a Magic Eye picture and wondering if you’ll ever see the vagina, take a look at her left wrist. Technically, that wrinkly pair of pink lips is supposed to be a tattoo of a kiss, and it’s something Demi got back in her not-sober days. Eventually Demi realized she had what looked like a gaping pussy permanently drawn on her body, and she finally decided to get it covered up a couple weeks ago. Demi posted a picture of a black and white rose where her pussy-looking tattoo used to be to Instagram with the caption:

“Thank you SO MUCH to my brother @GEESPOTAT2…It looks beaaauutiful and I LOVE it!! #RIPvaginatattoo #kidsdontdodrugs”

Of course, it was only a matter of time before the tattoo artist responsible for Demi’s snatch stamp, Ashley McMullen, showed up and responded to the giant passive aggressive dump Demi took on her work by dragging her on Instagram.

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Behold, The Soon-To-Be Richest Plastic Reptile In The World!

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Sorry, GEICO Gecko, but it looks like 20-year-old Courtney Stodden will take over your spot at the top of Forbes’ list of the richest lizards on the planet.

Everyone should go outside (WARNING: If you’re a blogger, use caution when doing so, because the outside air may shock your system.), open up their arms wide and smile at the sky while feeling grateful for living in a world where a gorgeous iguana who is only famous for being the child bride of some creep-faced E-liser can make a million dollars for her fap tape.

TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment has offered Courtney $1 million for that tape of her doing herself. To put that number into perspective, OctoMom was paid only five-figures (plus royalties) for the solo porn that is one of my favorite slapstick (more like slapclit) comedies of all-time. Backdoor Farrah reportedly also got five-figures (plus royalties) to get poon fisted and butt boned on camera.

Steve Hirsch of Vivid said that Courtney’s deal also includes royalties so she could make more than a million dollars:

When TMZ broke the story that the 20-year-old’s solo vid was getting shopped around … Hirsch said he was impressed by what he’d seen. Now we know just how impressed.

Hirsch fired off a letter to Courtney offering her $1 million to lock up exclusive rights. The letter hints at bonuses … saying there’s potential for her to make even more than the mil.

The thing is, Courtney could’ve easily conned Vivid. All she had to do was shoot a life-sized Barbie doll rubbing its plastic crotch and say it’s her. Nobody would know the difference. Before you say that we would know the difference, because we’d notice word “Mattel” on her back, I have to tell you that you’re wrong. Because I’m pretty sure Courtney has that on her back too.

Pic: Instagram

Blake Lively Wants To Go To Harvard Business School

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Finally, my dream of a real-life Legally Blonde remake starring a person whose closest DNA match is the BRAT diet is coming true!” thought one really weird person. Aspiring overpriced online retail mogul Blake Lively recently admitted during an interview with Stylist (via Radar), that one of her dreams is to go to Harvard Business School. I guess she’s learned all she can from searching “things that hipsters like” on Pinterest.

“I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time!”

I’m not sure what Harvard Business School will be able to teach Blake Lively. Do they offer classes in artisanal Instagram filters? Antebellum-era organic beekeeping? Antique typewriter repurposing? Finding success as a WASPy blonde actress-turned-lifestyle blogger in an already flooded market? What about lectures on using words like “curate” and “heirloom” till they lose all meaning? Or how to sell handmade shit from Etsy with a 300% markup? Someone get back to me on that.

She also went on to give the most Blake Lively answer to the question “Would you consider yourself quite old fashioned?“. Go grab the Icy Hot now, because your eye-rolling muscles are about to get a real workout.

“Yes I am. I only listen to old music. I love Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Edith Piaf and Josephine Baker. I love fashion of times past, I like modern trends too, but I’m not good about keeping up with them.”

And let me guess – she only listens to said music on an antique hand-cranked Victor phonograph that’s being operated by Ryan Reynolds in 3-piece suit and a vintage boating hat while she reclines on a fainting couch in the parlour. “Wrong – it’s actually a divan. Haven’t you learned anything from Preserve?

Hell Hath No Fury Like An Onion Crunch Mogul Scorned

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

That dog wants no part of Nick Loeb’s acts of fuckery and I’m with it.

Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb wrote a New York Times op-ed piece about why he wants complete control of their frozen embryos and I guess The New York Times published it, because they didn’t have anything else. (Dear New York Times, if you ever need a highly interesting and thought-provoking op-ed piece, please ask me to write one about the different flavors of dick cheese or why Homework starring Joan Collins is an underrated masterpiece that belongs in the AFI Hall of Fame.) In the piece, which should be titled, “How To Get Back At The Ex You’re Not Over And Get The Pro-Life Crowd On Your Side While Doing So,” Nick explains why he’s asking a court to ignore what Sofia Vergara wants and let him turn those frozen embryos into humans.

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Rosie O’Donnell Spends All Day Drinking Wine And Smoking Weed, According To Her Future Ex-Wife

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Rosie O’Donnell’s dramatic custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-wife has recently hit a higher level of MESS, and it has everything to do with Rosie being a high mess. According to TMZ, Rosie’s future ex-wife Michelle Rounds – who is sort of giving me some serious Tami Taylor vibes in that picture – says she deserves sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota because Rosie is a wine-chugging pot head and a shit parent. I’m taking back that Tami Taylor comparison; Tami Taylor would never have a problem with someone guzzling wine.

Michelle claims Rosie drinks a bottle of wine almost every night, regularly smokes weed and eats weed-filled foods (sorry, I have a hard time calling them “edibles“, because it reminds me of Edna’s Edibles, and Mrs. Garrett would never!), and it’s getting in the way of her parenting. Michelle says Rosie is in her own world most of the time, which means the nannies end up making the decisions regarding her 5 kids. Michelle also accuses Rosie of letting her 19-year-old son throw parties and allows his underage friends to drink alcohol.

Of course, Rosie is hissing back that everything Michelle says is LIES because she’s a low-down dirty gold digger who is pissed off about the prenup she signed. Rosie’s rep tells TMZ: “This is a distorted perception of Michelle’s reality. It’s sad in every way.” Not shockingly, Michelle fired back, claiming she was a millionaire before she got with Rosie, and adding, “I will walk away from every dime of Rosie’s money if I get full custody.

Yeah, something tells me that last part might not be the whole truth. Even if Michelle does get full custody, I’m sure she’ll conveniently remember a reason why she needs some of Rosie’s money. “Rosie owes me $4.6 million for…uh…cash she took out of my purse to pay the wine-and-weed delivery guy. Yeah, that’s it.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Pecan The Nut, the highly talented and beyond intelligent pussy whose human has trained him to ring a bell for a treat.

I’ve seen video after video of dog friends ringing dat bell for a treat (including this one which still warms the dead, shriveled, empty veins in the mound of cold shit I call a heart), but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a video of a cat doing that. I thought that when a cat wanted a treat, it just jumped on its human’s face and scratched that trick’s eyeballs out until they emptied the entire bag of nom noms on the floor. But Pecan The Nut’s human has trained him to politely and delicately ring a bell like the refined dignitary he is. Below is two and a half thrilling minutes of Pecan The Nut patiently ringing a bell like he’s at a dry cleaning place and he does it while wearing an Eddie Bauer outlet shirt from 1996.

Something tells me that Pecan The Nut’s owner is going to be ringing a different kind of bell in the hospital after he gets revenge on them for making him wear that shirt on camera.

And now that I think about it, did Pecan The Nut’s human train him to ask for a treat by ringing a bell or did Pecan The Nut train his human to give him a damn treat every time he rings a bell? The second one. Definitely the second one.

via Laughing Squid (Thanks Kate)

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Birthday Sluts

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Galecki (40)
Dianna Agron (29)
Gal Gadot (30)
Kirsten Dunst (33)
Kunal Nayyar (34)
Tom Fulp (37)
Amanda Palmer (39)
Jeff Timmons (42)
Adrian Pasdar (50)
David Miscavige (55)
Stephen Harper (56)
Lars Von Trier (59)
Michael Wright (59)
Jane Campion (61)
Bobby Vee (72)
Burt Young (75)
Willie Nelson (82)
Cloris Leachman (89)

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