Yesterday, Shia LaDouche, the ingrown hair turned cyst on humanity’s nutsack, squirted out a short film he directed and wrote called HowardCantour.com on the Internet and almost immediately people started saying the same thing they say whenever Lady CaCa shits something new out: “You know, bitch, I’ve seen this before.” Shia’s movie was screened at Cannes in 2012, but he made it available to public eyes for the first time by putting it on Vimeo yesterday. Many noticed that Shia’s short film blatantly ripped off lines of dialogue and visuals from Justin M. Damiano, a 2007 comic written and drawn by famous graphic novelist Daniel Clowes. Shia doesn’t mention Clowes’ name anywhere in the credits, so he pulled a first degree Lohan by shamelessly thieving a ho. Daniel Clowes told Buzzfeed (via Vulture) yesterday that he’s never met Shia LaDouche (his nostrils would never forget that stench) and he was surprised that someone would blatantly take his work to FedEx Office, copy it and pass it off as his own.

“The first I ever heard of the film was this morning when someone sent me a link. I’ve never spoken to or met Mr. LaBeouf. I’ve never even seen one of his films that I can recall — and I was shocked, to say the least, when I saw that he took the script and even many of the visuals from a very personal story I did six or seven years ago and passed it off as his own work. I actually can’t imagine what was going through his mind.”

In an interview with the Chicago Tribune about his copy + paste job last year, LaDouche’s girlfriend at the time, Karolyn Pho, said that he’s a huge Clowes fan, so Shia knew Clowes’ work well.

After LaDouche got called out for his dumb bitch antics, his short film was taken off of Vimeo (you can still watch it here) and he started tweeting out an apology. Before he jumped on Twatter, Shia nervously sat there with gouda-scented sweat secreting out of the dirt holes in his face and he wondered what to write. So he Googled, “Apologize for plagiarizing: how to do it?” and up came a 4-year-old answer from Lili on Yahoo! Answers. Yes, this dumb bitch copied an answer from Yahoo! Answers. Here’s Shia’s apology:

Copying isn’t particularly creative work. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work. In my excitement and naiveté as an amateur filmmaker, I got lost in the creative process and neglected to follow proper accreditation. Im embarrassed that I failed to credit @danielclowes for his original graphic novella Justin M. Damiano, which served as my inspiration. I was truly moved by his piece of work & I knew that it would make a poignant & relevant short. I apologize to all who assumed I wrote it. I deeply regret the manner in which these events have unfolded and want @danielclowes to know that I have a great respect for his work.

And here’s “Lili’s” answer to the question “Why did Picasso say ‘good artists copy but great artists steal’?”

Merely copying isn’t particularly creative work, though it’s useful as training and practice. Being inspired by someone else’s idea to produce something new and different IS creative work, and it may even revolutionalize the “stolen” concept.

This is hilarious. Shia can’t even plagiarize an apology from Yahoo! Answers right. I really hope that Shia apologizes to “Lili” by tweeting the lyrics to Brenda Lee’s “I’m Sorry.” An hour after Shia shat up that apology, he tweeted this:

I fucked up.

— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) December 17, 2013

SHIA STRIKES AGAIN! Get my lawyer, because that’s what I say every time I hit the “publish” button on one of my posts.

None of this is surprising since Shia has a history of snatching shit. Shia plagiarized his apology email to Alec Baldwin, he stole his look from a hitchhiking hobo grifter, he stole his neck beard styling from Madonna’s sascrotch and he stole his personality from a burned off pussy wart. Shia LaDouche’s “command” button can’t stop and won’t stop!

Well-marinated piece of grizzle Charlie Sheen is pissed at ex-wife Denise Richards for excluding him in holiday plans with their children, according to TMZ. Denise supposedly told Charlie over the weekend that he is not welcome to go on vacation with her, Sam and Lola but didn’t give him a reason. Charlie hopped into the ninth circle of hell known as Twitter and wrote this message about the situation:

Charlie whining about being treated like crap is meh. He’s off fingering porn stars on vacation instead of spending Thanksgiving with his kids, so there’s more of a shot of me spontaneously growing a dick of my own to hang donuts off of than finding any sympathy for him. What I am impressed with is the fact that he reached into 1998 and the Mike Dexter bag of tricks to pull out that spectacular “DuhNeese” comeback. If he wasn’t so gross and vile and filled with the three c’s (crazy, chlamydia and cuntbag), I might have fallen in love.

NOW imagine fellow hooker lover Vince with SlapChop saying, “Wait, there’s more!!!” because there is and it’s spectacular. Charlie also posted a picture of one of the favors from his wedding to Denise cut into pieces with a rusty knife and the best part is, it’s a meat bat. A bat made out of meat. A FUCKING MEAT BAT.

Everybody bow your heads and thank whatever universe juju you believe in that it wasn’t an actual picture of Charlie’s personal salami, then let’s go back to appreciating the absolute randomness of saying ‘til death or sex and drug addiction do you part before giving your guests souvenir meat.

The rest of Charlie’s Twitter page is entertaining if you’re interested in reading poems I’m 92% certain were written by a possessed, illiterate Mr. Spell. If he’s not busy when his old pal Lindsay Lohan gets around to publishing her book of lies tell-all, Charlie should offer to write the book’s foreword for her, from one crackie to another. Nothing goes together quite like rampant lies and rambling streams of drug-fueled consciousness!

(Pics: Twitter, Splash)

Theo James (29)
Anna Popplewell (25)
Michael Lohan Jr. (26)
Candice Crawford (27)
Amanda Setton (28)
Danielle Lloyd (30)
Krysten Ritter (32)
Flo Rida (34)
Sarah Kozer of Joe Millionaire (40)
Scott Storch (40)
Paul Van Dyk (42)
Miranda Otto (46)
J.B. Smoove (47)
Benjamin Bratt (50)
LaChanze (52)
Jon Tenney (52)
Xander Berkeley (58)
Billy Gibbons (64)
Benny Andersson (67)
Steven Bochco (70)
Lesley Stahl (72)
Liv Ullmann (75)

At Z100’s Jingle Bell in NYC last night, blanched piece of yam Katie Holmes tried to bring the sexy (Dear Katie, don’t try to pose like John Travolta at the Scientology prom, because it doesn’t work), Robin Thicke looked like a third tier Palm Beach pimp, my mom’s boo Dr. Oz showed up with my mom’s forever arch rival (aka his wife), Miley Cyrus sent my retinas into shock by not giving me a swollen camel toe situation and Lindsay Lohan’s pants ripped themselves off of her body and ran out of that bitch. LiLo looks like a seasoned New Jersey hooker whore whose claim to fame is that she was in “Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain’t E-Z Being a Ho'” and her lips could use an entire tube of Prep H since they’re looking like stage 4 hemorrhoids. It’s a look!

And I appreciate that LiLo’s shirt dress thing is saying what I’m thinking. I mean, I’m assuming that “chic” is the crackie way of spelling “trash.” 

Pics: Wenn.com

Mimi invited Today into her rainbow unicorn cave in the sky and showed everyone what it looks like when you’re obsessed with Christmas, are every kind of crazy and have money falling out of your ass – Lainey Gossip

Dear children getting bullied in school, get over it and stop crying, because the piss stain on humanity Justin Bieber has it worse! – Celebitchy

Lady CaCa has never looked hotter and I’m only saying that because her leg looks like a gigantic butt plug – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Well, there goes my dream of butt fucking through Mumbai – Towleroad

Is delusion a main ingredient in self tanner? Because Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga are fighting over which one of them Jennifer Lawrence based her American Hustle character on – Reality Tea

Oh, I’m sure MySpace will take Tila Tequila back – The Superficial

Kellie Pickler looks like a 40-something Reno, NV trophy wife who is a fixture on the swingers scene and buys all her dresses from the wedding gown maker on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding – Hollywood Tuna

Emmy Rossum goes shirtless for Esquire – IDLYITW

The crazy who thinks that Nigella Lawson needs image rehab probably got into her stash and snorted too much of her shit – Jezebel

Emily Blunt’s fetus dome is growing as fetus domes usually do – Popoholic

Kim Kardashian looking like an overfull colostomy bag – ICYDK

But the bigger question is, how many Terminator movies do we as a people really need? – Pajiba

Who wants to tongue under the Mileytoe? – Popsugar

Erykah Badu is the new face of Givenchy – OMG Blog

Panty Creamer of the Day: Tatted Edition – The Berry

Former Mr. Kelly Taylor and Almost Wonder Woman sun their parts in Mexico – Popsugar

Lindsay Lohan sends her adopted mother Oprah a stream of sowwies for being a mess – Popsugar

Cameron Diaz SANS FARDS – SOW

The SAG Award nominations were announced today and that’s my cue to make a dumb joke (“Isn’t it ALWAYS your cue to make a dumb joke?” – you) about how Lindsay Lohan’s tits took all the nominations. As I was skipping through thrilling pictures of Sasha Alexander and Clark Gregg at the nominations event this morning, my eyes stopped on the pear-shaped dent in the SAG statue’s nalgas. Don’t you just want to lay your head on it at the end of the day? It’s the perfect resting place for your woes. And yes, I’d hit that statue. My desperation knows no bounds.

The SAG Award nominations were announced in L.A. this morning and whores are screaming “SNUBBED!” at Robert Redford, Octavia  Spencer, Michael B. Jordan, Amy Poehler, Orange is the New Black and Kanye West not getting a nomination. Yes, the only whore screaming “SNUBBED!” about Kanye West not getting nominated is Kanye West and no, he wasn’t in any movies in 2013, but everybody knows that Kanye West should get a nomination for everything.

All of the nominations are after the cut and it looks like we’ll soon live in a world where Jordan Catalano will be up for an Oscar. If he gets the SAG, bitch better thank Rickie. Continue reading