So, Michelle Rodriguez Got A Little Drunk At The Knicks Game Last Night

/ January 8, 2014

I thought the picture of the viking vampire demi-god dropping iced butt cubes into a toilet in the South Pole would be the most entertaining picture I posted today, but then this mess came along. This messy picture has everything you want in a messy picture: Michelle Rodriguez slobbering over that vaporizer like it’s a hard black dick and she’s a Kardashian, Cara Delevingne getting stoned courtside (you know there’s a lot of the good shit in there), pro boxer Miguel Cotto throwing a look that says, “I know, son, I know, but stay still and don’t disrupt the Michelle Rodriguez when you see one in the wild,” and that gold medal-winning side-eye from a child. I also love how that red photographer looks like he’s wondering what he should take a picture of when there’s a drunk, stoned, messy lesbian show happening behind him.

Screw the Knicks game! The real entertainment happened courtside in Madison Square Garden last night. The Dominican Puerto Rican train wreck got Doogie Howser drunk and probably got stoned on that good shit before giving the children a show! MRod busted out several plastered faces, licked on the smoke rings that Cara blew out, made out with Cara and in between all of that took a little nap. If this was a game of charades, I’d scream out, “Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah doing a little mother/daughter bonding!

It was the true definition of mess. I’m surprised the players didn’t stop playing and stand in front of MRod with their hands on their hips while they waited for her to finish. How could they ever compete with the shit show that MRod and Cara served up?

And after they left MSG, MRod kept the foolery going by karate kicking at the paps. Oh, MRod, keeping it sloppy, messy and rage-y as always. I bet you need PTSD counseling after she eats your puss out.

Pics: Getty, AP, Instagram

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ January 7, 2014

Mama June and her family of deep fried butterlings were in a car accident! Dip your fingers in sketti sauce, make the sign of the cross on your body and pray for America’s First Family! – ICYDK

Charlize Theron is still suffering from that neurological injury that’s keeping her brain from letting her know that fucking Sean Penn on the regular is the worst idea ever – Lainey Gossip 

Lindsay Lohan won an award, and no it wasn’t Crackhead of the Year. She lost that one to her mother again! – The Berry

Everybody looked like a mess at the Girls premiere – Jezebel

Cameron Diaz talks about her face – Celebitchy

Backdoor Farrah’s fake boyfriend had a real girlfriend who didn’t want him to be Backdoor Farrah’s fake boyfriend – The Superficial

Lily Tomlin and her partner of a million years were New Year’s Eve brides – Towleroad

Maxim named Eva Longoria their “Woman of the Year” and I’m guessing the year they’re talking about is 2006 – Hollywood Tuna

RiRi and Cara Delevingne went to a basketball game together and what’s really weird about these pictures is that RiRi isn’t holding a drank or a joint in any of them. That might be the first time in RiRi history that’s ever happened… – Drunken Stepfather

Nobody wants to eat at restaurants that have been tainted by the presence of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey Reality Tea

Anne Hathaway is giving me hippie mid-wife on a commune – Popoholic

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! – HuffPo

Lindsey Vonn is out of the Olympics – CDAN

Prince William goes to his first day of school and I guess he forgot his Prince Hot Ginge lunchbox at home – Just Jared

Oh look, it’s a sports version of Toddlers & Tiaras to show us that showbiz parents aren’t the only ones vicariously living through their kids – Pajiba

I didn’t know Kanye West is also a movie critic who writes under the pen name Armond WhitePopbytes

Sofia Vergara looks so hot here! – SOW

The graceful bat dance move at the very end turned this into ART – Videogum

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Doogie Howser Takes You On A Drunken Journey From Margaritaville To Plasteredashellville

/ January 7, 2014

When you’re a millionaire celebrity who’s vacationing in warm Mexico with your family and a bunch of hot friends, sometimes you get bored with sunning your nipples while lounging by the pool with your hot friends, so you entertain yourself by entertaining your hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers with a cute, staged pictorial about what happens when a ho who doesn’t have the booze tolerance of an Irish uncle downs the nectar of the Mexican Gods. Neil Patrick Harris did just that yesterday and he started the story off with that picture and this note:

Last day of our Mexico adventure. Let’s see just how many margaritas I can drink. Cheers!

It goes on from there and the rest is after the cut. It can also double as a visual interpretation of the fall of Lindsay Lohan’s career. If you’re currently trapped in one of the Snow Miser’s ice cold fart bubbles, keep a blowdryer handy, because you’ll want to unfreeze the frozen tears that form in your eyes as you look at NPH looking so fucking, unnaturally goddamn warm.  Continue reading

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ January 6, 2014

Because you haven’t already seen ten million pictures of Miley Cyrus looking like a freon-huffing Florida lot lizard circa 1989, here’s even more pictures of Miley Cyrus looking like a freon-huffing Florida lot lizard circa 1989 (but now with more nipple!) – (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather

Spider-Man and the Ghost Of What Could’ve Been Lindsay Lohan If Her Parents Weren’t Asshole Trash Fuck-Ups go surfing in Hawaii – Lainey Gossip

Drew Barrymore seems like a lot of fun and yes, I typed that while my sarcasm gene tingled – Celebitchy

It’s good to know that pictures of Jenna Jameson’s tits are considered currency on 4Chan – The Superficial

Something to get you through the Mondays: Jared Leto’s ageless nips – Towleroad

Something else to get you through the Mondays: Fap Friday – The Berry

The elegant, pristine, ladylike and refined roses of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills think that Brandi Glanville is trashing up their garden of class – Reality Tea

Taylor Swift wears the perfect schoolgirl outfit to wear while trolling high schools for future boyfriends – Hollywood Tuna

Lea Michele’s ass cheeks made an appearance on Instagram – IDLYITW

And three minutes later, Rob Ford crashed through that windshield while trying to eat that cheeseburger – OMG Blog

Still in a two-piece: Maria Menonous is – Popoholic

I guess smoking crack makes Charlie Sheen think that joking that he got married to a porn star will give Denise Richards a serious case of the cares – ICYDK

When Brad Pitt tells you that you smell like a shit-covered tonsil stone… – Pajiba

Goopy Paltrow and Tracey Anderson’s new show is full of them looking like factory-defected, constipated blow-up dolls that were rescued from a factory fire – Jezebel

Katy Perry’s rider is the exact opposite of what you’d find on my rider if I had a rider – HuffPo

Kellan Lutz is still not going to admit that he and Miley Cyrus munched each other’s butts – Just Jared

A perfect show for Shannen Doherty to watch while she cunt punts her Tori Spelling voodoo doll – SOW

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The Greatest Work Of 21st Century Fiction Has Been Written

/ January 6, 2014

Moby Dick

Ulysses

War and Peace

Step the fuck aside.

High school students the world over can rejoice because all copies of The Great Gatsby have been thrown in the trash, and The New York Times Best Seller list is roping off the #1 spot in anticipation for the most dramatic, important novel this side of The Grapes of Wrath after Radar broke the news that Dina Lohan has finished writing a tell-all book:

“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time,” Dina said in an exclusive interview. But, the Lohan matriarch confirmed the she is indeed about to spill family secrets in her own tell-all tome.

“My book is finished!” Dina said.

So how does her 27-year-old daughter Lindsay feel about her mother dishing about the famed and notorious family?

“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.

Chapter titles include: Ali Needs To Make More Money, My Favourite Child Is A 2L Bottle Of Vodka, and It’s So Crazy That Everyone Thinks I Look Young Enough To Be Lindsay’s Sister, Right?

Now, historically, a “tell-all” book is a truthful account of real-life events, but we all know that White Oprah sashay-chante’s for the House of Delusion, so the only non-fiction elements in this book will be page numbers. The rest will be an epic story full of shit full of lies, deception, and heartbreak (and that’s just the chapter on Dina’s fight with the floor lamp she mistook for a bartender). The source material for this book alone makes it worthy of a read, but imagining Dina drunkenly firing every ghost writer hired to help her write this disaster and then trying to write it herself takes me so much higher, I’m nearly reaching Lindsay levels of light-headedness. Get me some smelling salts and a strong cup of coffee; I need to come down before I cross to the other side and book an appointment for some yarn-looking hair extensions and a cheap Long Island spray tan.

And – DUH – Radar, of course Lindsay isn’t writing a book about her life just yet; she’s still trying to get clearance from Christina Crawford to use the title Mommie Drunkest.

(Pic via Splash)

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“Cool Mom” Madge Instagrams A Picture Of Her 13-Year-Old With A Bottle Of Gin

/ January 6, 2014

Awww, this reminds me of the picture I took of Lindsay having a hearty breakfast on her first day of the first grade,” said White Oprah right before she screamed at Cody Lohan to put another shot of lighter fluid in her morning martini.

After getting a little attention for Instagramming a picture of the bong I have in dark brown, Madge decided to fill her attention tank all the way to the top by Instagramming a picture of her 13-year-old son Rocco Ritchie and his little friends holding up bottles of booze. Madge added the comment, “The party has just begun! Bring it! 2014″ Partying with 13-year-olds and booze?! Was the theme of the party “A Regular Night At Neverland“? Of course, some whores called her a bad mom and other whores defended her by saying shit like, “They’re in Europe, you ‘Murican prudes! Europeans are much more relaxed about the sweet nectar! In fact, when I was born, the doctor and I did a rum shot off of my mother’s tete. It’s Europe!”

When the minor frenzy that Madge intended to happen happened, she told everyone to sprinkle salt on their throbbing anuses and calm down.

No one was drinking we were just having fun! Calm down and get a sense of humor! Don’t start the year off with judgement!

That’s a weird way of saying, “THANKS FOR THE ATTENTION I WANTED, YOU SUCKER BITCHES!

Even if Rocco downed that entire bottle of Bombay, I don’t blame him. He probably knows that his mom will try to date at least one of his friends when they turn 18, so he might as well drink the pain away. And the only thing that’s offensive about this picture is that Rocco is dressed like he’s starring in an all-white community theater production of Colors: The Musical.

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