Sofia Vergara’s slimy ex Nick Loeb recently moved to Louisiana in what was a blatant attempt to convince the mostly pro-life state to hand over the frozen embryos he’s been chasing for over three years now. But he can’t possibly be spending all his free time trying to get his frozen embryos Emma and Isabelle. As it turns out, he’s been killing time putting the $ in $hameless by making an anti-abortion movie in Louisiana.
Thomas Markle is worried he’ll never see his precious daughter Duchess Meghan again now that she’s been captured by that evil ogre Prince Harry and imprisoned high up in a castle tower. The Royal couple never did make it to Mexico to visit the old man, and now The Mirror reports that Thomas is “heartbroken” and fears that he and Meghan may not “ever be together again”. Cue: your tears. Go! Go! This is you, you’re on! You’re supposed to be blubbering right now. But I guess if you’re a cold, heartless cynic, you might take Thomas sob story with a grain of salt.
James Woods has recently found himself without an agent. Yes, James had an agent, but that agent recently quit, proving with absolute certainty that even when you’re getting paid to deal with James Woods, it still isn’t worth it. But it’s the way his agent quit that will make you feel extra-warm today.
Entertainment Tonight broke the biggest news story of the week after talking to Britney Spears about what she’s going to eat when she goes on tour. Brit Brit licked the Cheetos dust from her fingers before telling them all about the Piece of Me Tour which is going around North America and Europe this summer. And you know that means we need to hear all about Brit Brit’s eating and workout habits because what else would she talk about?
None of what I typed in that headline should be surprising to anyone with even the vaguest recollection of Chris Brown. What might be surprising is that it took a whole 15 months for Chris Brown to finally get busted for throwing his fists around.
Last year in April, 29-year-old Chris got into some trouble in Tampa, FL after he allegedly assaulted a photographer at a club. The club’s photographer was reportedly trying to get some crowd shots, and paranoid dust-for-brains Chris thought the photographer was trying to get some sneaky pictures of him. So he allegedly leapt over a couch and punched the photographer in the face. Police were called, but Chris and his bodyguard fled the scene before they could be questioned. That brings us to present day.
Chris played a show at the Coral Sky Amphitheater in West Palm Beach, FL last night. TMZ says that when he was done, he walked off stage and found several police officers waiting to arrest him. Police had reportedly been waiting to catch him since they obtained a warrant for his arrest last year.
People says Chris was arrested for felony battery at around 11:00pm, and taken into custody. He was released after posting $2,000 bail. So far, Chris hasn’t said anything about his arrest on social media, which is pretty strange for him. Maybe he’s still trying to make sense of how confusing and backwards the situation was for him. “Handcuffs? Police? A year later? That’s odd. This usually happens right after I’ve gotten violent on someone. Would it be okay if I try to hit one of you first? I’m kind of a stickler for repetition.”
Pic: Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office
To celebrate this week’s incredible amount of Americana, rapper Cardi B decided to partake in one of America’s favorite national activities: Suing someone! Watch those bald eagles fly! …Right into court.
TMZ is reporting that Cardi B has had it with her old manager, the one who saw that his old client was making millions and so he jumped up and raised his hand and demanded a slice of the pie? A $10 million slice of the pie? Well, she slapped him with a counter-suit.