Night Crumbs

/ February 3, 2014

Goopy Paltrow wore this to the Golden Camera Awards in Berlin this past weekend and try to tell me you don’t see the shiny red eyes of Satan on her tits. Make the sign of the cross and grab the organic, distilled, imported-from-the-Vatican, blessed-by-the-Pope-himself HOLY WATER! Lainey Gossip

Bitch Got Banned: The Lindsay Lohan Edition – Celebitchy

If Hermey the Elf Dentist went ginger, got addicted to meth and had to pay his dealer by posing topless on a webcam – Drunken Stepfather

Well, here’s one way to make me cheer for Kanye West with every last piece of my soul – The Superficial

Teen Mom Jenelle is pissed at her baby father’s family for revealing the gender of this fetus that she’s keeping. No word yet on how Barbara feels about raising another grandson – Reality Tea

If life was a Pixar movie the stray dogs of Sochi would rise together and rise up against the humans while a song by Train played in the background – Towleroad

Floyd Mayweather swears he did not bet $10 million on the Broncos winning and he swore that while packing up all of his shit to go on the run from the sharks he now owes $10 million to – IDLYITW

What in busted prom hell is Alyssa Milano wearing? – Hollywood Tuna

#9 was totally taken from Miley Cyrus’ interview with W MagazineThe Berry

Hillary Clinton drags FOX – Jezebel

Shouldn’t the title be “A Female Lady CaCa Impersonator Meets A Female Brit Brit Impersonator“? – ICYDK

When Gwen Stefani met StingHuffPo

Jason Stackhouse’s nalgas, we meet again – OMG Blog

The highly newsworthy photo series Hilary Duff Paying For Parking And Walking” continues – Popoholic

My takeaway from this is that not nearly enough movie trailers played during the Super Bowl – Pajiba

Charlize Theron, I can’t look at you anymore! You disgust me! How could you wear UGGs?! – Popsugar

Priscilla Presley’s FACE – Just Jared

That time I mistook John Stamos for one of those One Direction twinks – SOW

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…And Here Come The Not-Right Tweets About Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Death

/ February 3, 2014

After the news broke that Philip Seymour Hoffman had died of a heroin overdose, I said a little prayer at my Sandy Lyle shrine and took a nap in my Boogie Nights sleeping bag, because I knew I’d need a lot of strength to get through the downpour of celebrity tweets that were about to follow. Usually after a celebrity death, everyone and their dog has something to say, and the worst, most insincere examples of online grieving come from the d-list roaches, so I needed to psych myself up before I read something like:

@LindsayLohan: OMG my best friend Philip Stephen Huffman died and I, like, have SO many tears right now #PSH #sobbing #funeralinvite?

However I guess Kris Jenner was busy making Sunday supper for Beelzebub, because the worst offenders came from an unlikely place. First up was Dean from Gilmore Girls (aka Jared Padalecki) who tweeted this touching tribute to the late, great actor:

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Thanks Dean. Not the worst tweet about PSH’s death (we’ll get to that in a second) but still pretty insensitive. Jared clearly agreed, because shortly after he applied for a membership to the Delete That Tweet club and tried to fix what he broke through more tweets (never a good idea):

At least he made an effort to clear things up –  even though he still sounds like an asshole. And if Jared Padalecki is the asshole, then LeVar Burton is the angry, sore, Preparation H-resistant hemorrhoid. Yes, that LeVar Burton; if you don’t want to have all your childhood PBS memories crushed to a million pieces, you better stop reading and go back to watching post-game Puppy Bowl interviews, because the following tweets (yes, there’s more than one) are about to shatter ya dayum soul:

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Night Crumbs

/ January 31, 2014

Panty Creamer of the Day: Tom Hiddleston’s throwing an “Oh, you got a little of my juices right here” pose in Elle UK  – Lainey Gossip

Christie Brinkley must be drinking the same kind of virgin’s blood that Jared Leto’s drinking – The Berry

Prince Charles obviously hasn’t seen Cressida Boner’s elegant and luxurious scrunchie collection – Celebitchy

Nice try, baby polar bear, but Sophie the Alabama pussy did the whole “first time in the snow” thing better – Towleroad

The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson in the ads for The Jessica Simpson Collection – Drunken Stepfather

You probably already figured this, but Lindsay Lohan’s most likely getting paid in 8-balls for her next movie – The Superficial

Budweiser usually gives me the heaves, but this time it’s giving me that strange, unfamiliar warm feeling in the dark orb of bitterness in my chest – IDLYITW

Kim Zolciak would like all her followers to know that the dead Benji on her head weighs more than her body at this point – Reality Tea

Alyssa Milano’s top says “sports bar waitress” but the bottom says “junior prom queen runner-up” – Hollywood Tuna

Olive Garden is going to regret this decision when OctoMom shows up with her child army – Jezebel

Well, you can’t spell Lindsay Lohan without L-I-A (which is how White Oprah says “liar“) – CDAN

Leslie Mann SANS FARDS – Popoholic

Shia LaDouche has gone without taking a shower for longer than his STUNT QUEEN stunt lasted – ICYDK

From the Department of YES: Lori Petty’s going to be on Orange is the New BlackPajiba

Party monster Michael Alig could be released back into the wild… – OMG Blog

You know Shia LaDouche’s dirty ass is growing three kinds of butt jelly – Just Jared

Why did I mistake Foxy Knoxy for Lena Dunham?  – Popsugar

Alessandra Ambrosio Salad’s bikini top looks like rainbow sherbet. I want rainbow sherbet. – Moe Jackson

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When It Rains Douche, It Pours Douche: Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault In Toronto

/ January 29, 2014

The little brats on the park playground who give Justin Bieber a wedgie when he’s hanging upside down on the jungle gym better bow down and pay respect the next time he waddles onto the sand, because he’s a bona fide international hood rat stuff crime boss now that he’s been busted for doing bad things in three different places. The Biebs is being investigated in L.A. for run-by egging his neighbor’s house, he’s being investigated in Miami for drunken drag racing and now he’s been charged in Toronto for whooping a limo driver’s ass in December. Wild Boyz are taking over the world! When they come to your door and demand that you give them 15 Goldfish crackers to live in their turf, you better give it to them or they’ll start crying and throw a tantrum and trust me you don’t want that.

CBC News says that on December 29th, a limo driver picked up the Biebs and his entourage of douche scabs at the Air Canada Centre and shortly afterward some kind of fight went down. The police were called and they originally thought that one of the Biebs’ bitches beat on the limo driver. But I guess the police realized that one of Justin’s hos was covering up for him, because they wanted to speak to him. They scheduled an interview with him, but since he’s about as cooperative as a giant hemorrhoid covering my b-hole, he didn’t show. The police didn’t want to play around anymore, so they ordered the Biebs to show up to the 52 Division police station tonight. The Biebs showed up and they booked him for assault. He’ll be released and have to come back to Toronto for a hearing.

The only thing I’m taking away from this story is that Justin Bieber is in Canada right now. That’s half the battle. Close the borders! Shut down the gates! Lock him out while we still can! Actually, that’s not fair to Canada. How about we trade Justin Bieber for Rob Ford? If Rob Ford, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen lived in this country together, the nation’s entire supply of crack would dwindle and they’d start turning on each other. It’s the perfect plan.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ January 27, 2014

No, I promise you, this is not yet ANOTHER picture of Madge at the Grammys last night.

Grown hos ran and screamed for an adult last night when Madge floated onto the red carpet looking like she was there to slurp on some souls, but grown hos really ran and screamed for an adult when Shawn “Clown” Crahan of Slipknot showed up wearing what looked like one of John Wayne Gacy’s old clown masks that was stolen from a police station’s evidence room. While looking like Lindsay Lohan after a rough night, Clown worked the red carpet with his wife and daughter who are obviously used to this Pennywise fuckery, because they’re probably the only ones there who didn’t piss out of their b-holes.

If a law, proposing that wearing a clown mask in public is ILLEGAL and punishable by life in prison, went up for vote, I’d be the first to check FUCK YES for that shit, but I’m all for Clown wearing this terrifying mask last night. I mean, the Grammys is filled with clowns who disguise themselves as normal human beings, so at least Clown kept it real. And I hope that the staple-shaped eyebrow becomes the newest beauty trend.

Pics: Splash

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Kim Kartrashian Chopped Up Her Dior Dress Because She’s A Fashion Vanguard Like That

/ January 24, 2014

Since Krapping Up the Kartrashian’sratings are starting to fall and the Lindsay Lohan-ing of Justin Bieber is the MSNBC BREAKING NEWS STORY of the moment, Pimp Mama Kris raised her cane and commanded her prized heifer to work it, whore, sell it, whore. Kim’s been selling it on the talk show ho stroll and she took her “terra cotta mask covered in corn starch” face to Jimmy Kimmel’s corner where she whored out her krappy show, her krappy family and her newest diarrhea-inducing fake wedding.

The shrunken-headed Bratz doll that was molded out of dildo rubber told Jimmy that she will become Kim Noel Kardashian Thomas Humphries West this summer in Paris when she and Kanye join hands and take a dump on the pile of dead horse dust that is the sanctity of marriage. They aren’t getting married at Versailles (or as Nomi Malone would pronounce it: Ver-say-ells) because his massive, throbbing ego rubbing against her massive, throbbing ass would cause the walls to come crumbling down and Versailles doesn’t want to go out like that.

Before Kim sucked the life out of Jimmy’s studio, she Instagrammed a picture of the fugly shit she put on her body and said that it’s a Dior dress cut in two. If you run the line “I cut my Dior dress in two” through the truth machine, out will come, “My body split that shit in two.” It’s ugly now and it was probably ugly before. It looks like resort wear by Juicy Couture. And Kim’s face. If she was an actual Real Doll, the dude who ordered her would return her to the factory she came from for being way too creepy and so not passable.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

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