Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”

Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.

Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
Like me…

I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.

That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack

..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.

At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time

On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!

Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.

If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.

And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.

Misao Okawa, the world’s oldest person alive who turned 116 yesterday! Happy Belated Birfday!

Misao was born in Osaka, Japan on March 5, 1898 and yesterday at the retirement home where she’s lived for the past 18 years she celebrated her 116th birthday with the press. And at 116, she still looks fresher and younger than any Lohan. Misao is one of only 5 people alive, all women, who were born in the 19th century. Misao got the World’s Oldest Person alive title in June of last year after Jireomon Kimura, also of Japan, went off to heaven at the age of 116. Two of Misao’s three children are still alive and they’re both in their 90s. She also has four grandkids and six great grandkids. She told The Telegraph that the secret to living past 100 is to eat and sleep.

Already recognised as the oldest person in the world, Mrs Okawa will on March 5 reach the remarkable milestone of 116 – and attributes her longevity to eating well and sleeping at least eight hours every night, with the occasional nap thrown in for good measure.

“Eat and sleep and you will live a long time,” she said in a message to The Telegraph. “You have to learn to relax.”

So, if I want to live to see former president Blue Ivy Carter Jolie-Pitt at the presidential inauguration ceremony of her son Pax Junior Jayonce Jolie-Pitt in 80 years, all I have to do is eat and sleep? What a coincidence! Those are the two things I’m best at. I’m coming for your record, Misao Okawa.

Pic: AP

At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.

In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:

“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.

We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”

In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.

And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.

Not pictured: Kunty Karl barking at his human to take as many pictures as possible so he can run back to the Death Eaters’ lair and cackle about this with his kind.

At the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, Anna Wintour, who normally makes a question mark with her face when you say the words, “second row,” or, “larger than a size double zero,” sat behind the first row. I didn’t think that moment would ever happen in real-life. Seeing Anna Wintour sitting in a row other than the first row tells me that anything in life is possible. Maybe I will actually publish a post that doesn’t have at least 2 fucks up in it! Maybe Lindsay Lohan will actually cut the bullshit! Maybe John Travolta will actually say Idina Menzel’s name right and wear a wig that doesn’t look like roadkill! Anything is possible!

But in a shocking twist, Anna wanted to sit in the second row. Christina Binkley of the Wall Street Journal, who Instagrammed that picture, says that Anna took her ass to the second row when the first row got too crowded. BryanBoy (via The Cut) added that Anna let Vogue’s editors sit in the front row and she gladly sat in the second. Anna’s editors took her up on her offer, to which I say, IDIOTS! It’s kind of like if you went to Outback with Jessica Simpson and she ordered 3 bloomin’ onions to start for the table (there’s only two of you at the table, by the way) and after you’ve eaten 2 together, she tells you to go ahead and have the 3rd one by yourself. She doesn’t want any of it. She’s fine! Whatever she says, don’t do it. IT’S A TRAP! She’ll eventually end up eating it right out of your stomach. So yeah, those Vogue editors are totally going to get it.

Since Anna Wintour sitting in the front row is something that will never happen again, I hope the lady sitting directly in front of her took full advantage of the opportunity by dropping a huge fart. Because when Anna Wintour sits behind you, it’s your duty to lift up your ass cheeks and let a good one go.

And here’s Anna Wintour showing up to Chanel’s messy Supermarket Sweep show yesterday. She sat in the first row, so the world can keep spinning again.

Pics: Splash

Indian Earth powder, the only makeup, besides a Sharpie and Lip Smackers, you need!

Yesterday on Twitter, Margaret Cho asked if anybody remembers this shit from the 1970s and 1980s that came in a clay pot, was multi-use and had something to do with the Earth. I immediately knew what she was talking about, because I think my mom still has that crap in a Chinese Laundry shoe box with her other makeup from the past in the back of a bathroom cabinet. Indian Earth is the Dr. Bronner’s of beauty and you can still buy it today, but it was everywhere in the early 80s. It’s this powder stuff that you can use as a bronzer, nail polish, eye liner, lip liner, blush, eye shadow and a million more things.

If you don’t feel like boning your piece for some reason and you lie to them and tell them you’re on the rag, you can mix Indian Earth with some ketchup, dip your tampon in it and throw it in the trash as proof! If you’re Lindsay Lohan and are sick of everyone knowing you stuck your nose in the coke jar because bright white granules are always stuck to your nostrils, cut your coke with a little Indian Earth so the granules match your orange skin and blend in. If you want to shit like Liberace for a day, eat a whole clay pot full of Indian Earth and your caca logs will come out sparkly and gilded. The list goes on and on. Indian Earth can be used for anything and everything.

Indian Earth is a true gift and every pot should come with a note that reads, “You’re welcome AGAIN, bitches – Native Americans and the Earth.”

Pic: The Vermont Country Store

There was a time when Jessica Alba’s main job was memorizing lines before saying those lines in front of a camera while giving off the emotion of wet corn starch, but nowadays she mostly spends her time Instramming and talking mom stuff to magazines who put her on their cover for some reason. During an interview with Redbook, MiserAlba talked about riveting shit like buying used furniture on Craigslist and then the interviewer brought up the whole “parents kissing their kids on the lips” thing. The interviewer told MiserAlba that some parents are against kissing their kids on the lips and that shocked her for some reason, which shocked the interviewer, because up until then they probably thought her only emotion was “……..”

MiserAlba on how she’s a normal because she buys stuff on Craigslist: “I bought my hot pink desk off Craigslist. I have a problem. I love vintage furniture, and refurbishing is one of the most eco things you can do. I also got a couple of cool chairs and Danish mid-century credenzas off of Craigslist.”

MiserAlba on how it’s weird when she’s hanging out with her mom friends and the paparazzi she texted shows up: “It’s weird when we’re doing normal mom things and there’s paparazzi around. That’s the only thing that makes everyone uncomfortable.”

MiserAlba on how some moms and dads don’t kiss their kids on the mouth: “Really? Why?! It’s your baby. People allow dogs to lick at their mouths.”

Excuse you, MiserAlba, but I’m not one of those people who lets my dog French my lips. Ever since I saw him in a disturbing light, and by that I mean I watched him pull his head out of a pussy butt bakery (aka a litter box) and a freshly baked cat cookie (aka you know what I’m talking about) was in his mouth, I will only greet him by shaking his paw and giving him a Christian side hug. Or maybe he’s the one who will only shake my hand and give me a Christian side hug after finding out where my trash mouth has been. It’s probably a little of both.

When I was a kid, my mom would barely kiss me, because it was hard for her to do it while I was dramatically flailing around and screaming, “EW! GROSS! SICK!” But personally, I think a parent kissing their kid on the lips is okay. It’s normal! One of the only times it’s not okay for a parent to touch lips with their kid is when the mom’s name is White Oprah, the daughter’s name is Lindsay Lohan and while drunkenly hanging out in a club, the mom licks coke off of the daughter’s lips because she doesn’t want any of that good stuff to go to waste. Giving innocent people the non-stop dry heaves is wrong and never ever okay.

And here’s Jessica Alba and her brother looking like TweedleMess and TweedleMessier while smiling (she smiles!) in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash