Many thank yous to Lainey for posting this video of ASkars and Prince Hot Ginge in a tent together. They’re fully clothed and there’s other people around, but I’ll still find a way to pinch my nips to this while playing TLC’s “Red Light Special” in the background – Lainey Gossip

And just like that, the Hamptons announces that it’s working on a bill to make Sasquatches illegal – Reality Tea

If Falkor Rimes really is as broke as her tit job, expect her to join the cast of Galloping with the Stars while Eddie Cibrian trolls hotel bars for rich widows – Celebitchy

Being a multi-millionaire mom with a team of nannies, chefs, drivers, assistants and tutors is hard: a story by Goopy Paltrow – The Superficial

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly does topless blackface in a shoot that I’m guessing was art directed by Julianne Hough – Drunken Stepfather

But how does Larry King know that we haven’t already had a gay president? (I’m looking at you, Taft) – Towleroad

Cindy Crawford giving herself a breast exam and making “trout gasping for air” faces for an Omega photo shoot – Hollywood Tuna

Kendall and Kywhatever Jenner need to take a Photoshop course from Kim Kardashian – IDLYITW

Lindsay Lohan took a sledgehammer to a car with the cast of HIMYM’s faces on it and this feels like a metaphor for something… – Jezebel

And here’s Mila Kunis’ “baby bump,” which I like to call “my gut if I starved myself and hooked my b-hole up to a colonic machine for a week” – Popoholic

Now all I need is a Vine account devoted to DJ Lady Tribe from Rock of Love and life is complete – Buzzfeed

Trace Adkins’ wife took their marriage out back and shot it – ICYDK

Um, shouldn’t there be a foot-and-a-half tall tent pole sticking out of that bedspread? – The Berry

Leave it to a pasty man ass to make me miss Secret Diary of a Call Girl – OMG Blog

Looking HAWT in a bee-kinny: Brit Brit is trying to by sucking it in for her life – Popsugar

The list of The 10 Best TV Theme Songs Clocking In At Under 20 Seconds has shown me that all TV theme songs should be longer than 20 seconds and should be sung by the lady who sung the Golden Girls theme song – Pajiba

Yup, Drew Barrymore’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! in a big way – Just Jared

And Sarah Palin just came – SOW

And here’s a preview of what it looks like when Michael Bay simultaneously shits and jacks off on 80s childhood favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That headline is dripping with zero sarcasm, because I really thought this trailer would be nothing but Megan Fox washing the Ninja Turtles’ shells in a bikini while shit exploded behind her over and over again. But the trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie is maybe 10% explosions and the rest is made up of shit crashing into shit, leftover scenes from Transformers movies and the highest-paid masking doll Megan Fox trying to look shocked and surprised when she’s really giving off the emotion of a wet Rubbermaid silicone trivet. I have nothing but hate for this mess of a trailer, because Partners in Kryme is nowhere to be heard and what they did to the Ninja Turtles is the definition of NOT RIGHT.

THROW ALL THE HOLY WATER AT IT!

Megan Fox shouldn’t have just fainted. Her rubber face should’ve slid off of her skull at the sight of that mutated Shrek dingle. The only way to explain why the Ninja Turtles look like Satan’s kidney stones is to say that they were created when Lindsay Lohan sneezed out a clump of boogers onto a turtle after snorting battery acid and uranium. They look more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.

And here’s the living and breathing Real Doll in L.A. with her son a few days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

In “Girl, stop fucking with your beauty” news, TMZ says that the prettiest princess to come out of the Disney kingdom, Zac Efron, got another blow to his Maybe He’s Born With It face on Sunday when he got into a fight with a group of homeless people on Skid Row in Downtown L.A. There are two reasons to go to Skid Row late at night if you’re not homeless: 1) DRUGS and; 2) To put on a white blonde wig and sing the part of Audrey in a re-enactment of “Skid Row” from Little Shop of Horrors. The second one is a definite possibility, but I’m going to guess that Zac made a trip to Skid Row to get him some bad shit.

TMZ says that just after midnight on Sunday, the cops saw Zac and his bodyguard fighting with 3 homeless dudes. The cops broke up the fight and then questioned Zac. Zac told the police that he and his bodyguard were driving through Skid Row when their car “ran out of gas” and as they were waiting for a tow truck to come and get them, he threw a bottle out of the window and it broke near the group of homeless dudes. The homeless dudes came at Zac Efron’s bodyguard and Zac got out of the car to help. Zac trying to help his bodyguard led to him getting “cold cocked in the mouth” by one of the homeless dudes. I’m not into rough trade, so when I Google “Zac Efron cocked in the mouth,” this is not the story I want to see.

The police didn’t put anyone into handcuffs, because they labeled the situation as “mutual combat.” One source said that Zac was “obviously intoxicated” (read: on some shit). Zac went to rehab twice last year for a coke addiction and last November he busted his pretty when he “slipped and fell” on a puddle outside of his house.

The “Skid Row” part of L.A. is near a lot of clubs and restaurants in Downtown, so Zac could’ve been telling the truth, but survey says: NO. But really, Skid Row?! I thought one of the bonuses of being a famous millionaire is that you just have to press a button in your mansion and 5 minutes later a dealer carrying a briefcase full of your mind-numbing substance of choice shows up? Skid Row?! How dreadful. This is Nick Stahl levels of tragic. The entire cosmetics industry will collapse if Zac Efron goes from being a Cover Girl to dethroning Lindsay Lohan as the Hollywood Faces Of Meth Queen.

Ever since Shakira set off a million alarms and raised a billion red flags when she said in an interview that her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, “no longer lets her” film music videos with other dudes, I’ve been not-so-secretly hoping that Iyanla would step in, sit her down, and fix her life. But Iyanla is currently on retainer in case Oprah needs help fixing the most unfixable life, which is no good, because Shakira keeps telling us more about that Mary J. Blige song she calls a relationship and she’s not watching the numerous copies of Sleeping with the Enemy we’ve sent her.

During the release party for her new self-titled album (which I was surprised wasn’t titled ‘Gerard Piqué’s Woman’), Shakira tried to clarify to E! News those statements that painted her boyfriend as a possessive, controlling, jealous asshole. Ah, damage control; my favorite of the controls (sorry Janet):

“I have rules, too. It’s two sides, you know. He can’t do stuff with models either!”

Yeah okay. Where I come from, that’s just called “not cheating”. But then Shakira said something that sounds like the IMDB description of the movie Fear:

“We’re one of those asphyxiating couples, smothering each other all the time. It’s good when your man’s protective of you. He’s a defender. He defends the goal. That is his job, so he knows how to do that well.”

Now, I’m no expert, but if you’re in a healthy relationship, you usually don’t describe your partner using murder words like ‘smothering’ or ‘asphyxiating’, right? Every time Shakira is asked about Gerard, her answers sound like dialogue that’s written for a victim on Law & Order: SVU. Attention, Shakira: I don’t want to see you explaining to Detective Olivia Benson why Gerard took away your phone (“He doesn’t like knowing other men are texting me!”), is making you wear a GPS (“He always wants to know where I am!”), and why he no longer allows you to speak unless spoken to (“He’s so protective of my vocal cords!”).

Pic: Splash/KDNPIX

Warning: you will definitely get second-hand drunk from watching this dash cam video of fresh Florida clementine Kate Major’s DUI arrest, so go grab the Flintstones Chewable Painkillers and a giant jug of Gatorade, because your brain will be begging for it once you’re done.

The police car dash cam of Kate Major’s arrest after her whirlwind Thursday evening spent drinking, fighting, more drinking, tweeting, more fighting, and drunk driving (aka just an average night at the home of Michael Lohan and Kate Major) has been released, and while it lacks the grand showmanship of other notable DUI videos, such as that of Laura Jeanne Poon’s, it makes up for it with subtlety and charm.

We open on Kate looking like a raunchy Fraggle in sweatpants, immediately denying that she’s been drinking. Good call Kate; it’s not like the police have a tool to test for that sort of thing. But they don’t need to administer a breathalyzer, because Kate pretty much confirms their suspicions that she’s been chasing the chardonnay dragon by bursting into tears and gargling out whatever random thoughts have been collecting in her lizard brain. Now, unless you like the sound of slurry drunk crying, you should skip to the 3:00 mark, because that’s where things take a turn down YAAAASSS road.

After Kate does the walk o’ sobriety without falling on her ass (something I can barely do while sober, so slow claps for you, Kate Major), you can tell she thinks she’s in the clear, but then she’s asked to recite her A-B-Cs and you can practically hear that sad trombone sound. Someone needs to sit her down and hook her ass on phonics, because she manages to hit everything between A and V, but oh boy, those last 4 letters. Twice she forgets what comes after T-U-V. And yet she gets L-M-N-O-P, the no-good troublemakers of the alphabet. It’s that damn W’s fault; ironic, considering wine and wasted both start with the letter W.

And I don’t know if Kate fucked up her A-B-Cs because she was drunk, or because she’s an idiot who legit doesn’t know them, but I think it might be the latter. I mean, she did mate with Michael Lohan.

Three seconds after this picture of ASkars leaving the gym was taken, the slots in those parking meters squirted out jizz. They might be pregnant now – Lainey Gossip

By the end of the first episode of Celebrity Apprentice, the only thing left in the boardroom will be a pile of blood-covered polyester weaves. I can’t wait! – Reality Tea

Oh please, like the refined and delicate amphibian lord Bendadick Cumsinbatches really gets into fist fights like a commoner – Celebitchy

The time I mistook Joanna Krupa for a male Wonky McValtrex impersonator – Drunken Stepfather

What’s really shocking is that Shaq took time away from downloading apps to play Plead the Fifth with Andy Cohen – Towleroad

Yup, that’s definitely the face of an asshole who just got a DUI and made a baby with Michael Lohan – The Superficial

Vanessa Hudgens looks like she’s wearing a leather car seat – Hollywood Tuna

Kirk Cameron just has a face that you want to hit with a Subway foot long – Pajiba

Based on that sketch, Amanda Bynes should skip fashion school and design Bratz dolls – IDLYITW

Correction: An Avril Lavigne and Nickelback tour would be the most depressing (and diarrhea-inducing) tour ever – Jezebel

Hipsters. – Popsugar

The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s class dunce is not dating that dictator’s son – Reality Tea

Gross, but I’d still let him stick the tip in – Tosh.0

Hilary Duff’s legs look like a pack of Twizzlers – Popoholic

Zoe Saldana is going to “let herself go” after marriage, which means that she’ll eat two lemon seeds for dinner instead of just one – ICYDK

Xtina’s (made up) fuck list is here, and let’s be real, we’ve all done the guy in front of us at Chipolte – OMG Blog

Ricky Martin gives the paps a hairy nips and tramp stamp show on the balcony – Just Jared

Happy Fap (and Treasure Trails) Friday! – The Berry

I see that White Oprah hacked Kate Dennings’ Twitter – SOW