Um, Irina Shayk, can you please move a little to your left, keep going, keep going, keep going, KEEP GOING, bitch, I can’t see Crispy Ronaldo’s freshly waxed and tanned peen yet – Drunken Stepfather

Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin are together again and those aren’t hickeys on his neck. Those are just marks from her trying to cup all of the peasant toxins that took over his body due to all of the McDonald’s he ate after their conscious uncoupling – Lainey Gossip 

Macklewhore got a lot of shit thrown at him this weekend for performing in what some think is Jewish caricature drag, but he says it’s just a random costume. Dumb bitch with his dumb excuse should’ve just said he was dressed up as Concord Condor – Jezebel

A charred wart that was chewed off of Satan’s ass by a 9th circle rat calls Kenya Moore the most evil woman he’s ever met – Reality Tea

Oh, it’s just a topless Lindsay Lohan blaming the black kid again – The Superficial

Avril Lavigne’s ex-husband is one drink away from slow dancing with the Grim Reaper – Celebitchy

The world’s greatest literary mastermind since Katie Price’s ghost writer wore the exact same outfit that Emily Dickinson wore to all of her book signings – Hollywood Tuna

Tommy Girl’s intern did a good job at writing his Twitter profile – IDLYITW

Vanessa Hudgens is in a bikini – Popoholic

Giving a fuck about catching treats: this dog isn’t – The Berry

Here Comes Honey CaCa – ICYDK

Spider-Man in drag looks like a swap meet Adore Delano – OMG Blog

Patton Oswalt comes face to face with his “haters” – Pajiba

Dear Alan Thicke, please come and get this douche – HuffPo

Kendumb Jenner better take a crash course in reading at Sylvan before she has to tackle another teleprompter at the MuchMusic Awards – Just Jared

Iiiiiiiiiick. Naaaaaaaaast. – Popsugar

FYI: Rachel Bilson is done with boozing and drugging – Celebslam

These babies get it – Buzzfeed

Johnny Depp kisses Amber Heard’s teeth in NYC, and from this angle he looks young, sexy and it doesn’t seem like he’s fighting the hot with both hands. That’s your angle, Johnny! No comment on that rat-chewed gutter hipster hobo hat – Lainey Gossip

FYI: There’s a blonde American socialite in Memphis who’s never going to wash her vagina again – Celebitchy

Another day, another rumor about how Nene Leakes is stomping out of The Real Housewives of Atlanta – Reality Tea

Now everyone knows where amazonian gold digger Jean Kasem is keeping Casey Kasem hostage – The Superficial

I’d be football’s #1 fan if this happened all the time – Towleroad

Adriana Lima in Vogue Turkey – Drunken Stepfather

The real question is, what ISN’T up Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils? – Hollywood Tuna

Now THIS is a panty cream-inducing hot look that Johnny Depp should keep – Popsugar

If Ellen Degeneres ever needs to take a sick day from her show, Julianne Hough would make a good hair double – Popoholic

Tara the Bodyguard Pussy continues to be America’s newest sweetheart and the hero we all need, but don’t deserve – Jezebel

As Florence collectively wet heaves, Paris collectively goes, “LE PHEW!” – ICYDK

Yeah, yeah, now let’s see if those hot pieces’ peens are long enough to use as towel racks – The Berry

And here’s singing Spider-Man’s ass – OMG Blog

Aaron Hernandez murdered more people – IDLYITW

Tina Fey says that blazers are the key to women making it in late-night – HuffPo

Aw, Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes reunited – Just Jared

The only thing I learned from the Cinderella teaser trailer is that Cinderella’s shoe is bustedly ugly. It should’ve been a Lucite heel – Pajiba

Josh Groban was always a hot piece of ass – SOW

Pic: FameFlynet

So, TMZ says that Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which may make you scream out, “YAAAASSS,” until your tonsils pop. But your “YAASSS” may turn into a “NOOOO,” because he’ll probably get out sometime next week due to overcrowding and time served.

For the past few weeks, people partying at clubs have wondered to themselves, “Hmmm, something seems off here. Why isn’t a bottle flying toward my head and why isn’t a fist hitting my cheek?” The answer: Because Chris Brown has been locked up. The Difficult Brown was thrown into jail in mid-March after he got kicked out of rehab (AGAIN) for breaking several rules. He was back in court today in L.A. for a probation violation hearing. Fist Brown was charged with assault in DC after he punched a dude outside of the W Hotel. That is a violation of his probation in the RiRi beating case and in today’s hearing he admitted to committing assault in DC.

For violating probation, the judge sentenced him to 1 year in jail. But that 1 year will be chipped down to just a few days. Chris gets credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in spent in rehab. TMZ also says that the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has been releasing jail birds sentenced to 1 year after 240 days due to overcrowding. And for every 1 day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for 2 days. So when I do the math in my head (read: a calculator, because math is hard), he gets credit for 234 days which means he’ll only have to serve 6 days.

People says that the judge told Chris that he could’ve sentenced him to 4 years, but he took into account that he was young when he beat RiRi and that he’s been diagnosed as bi-polar.

Maybe while he was locked up, they gave the Difficult Brown the help he needs and after having some time to reflect, he realized that fisting a person in the face when he gets mad at them is not the way. When he gets out, he’ll recruit Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan and together they’ll open up a rehab center in the country where they’ll rehabilitate asshole celebrities into upstanding members of society. And maybe a flock of flying dildos will fly out of my asshole and my lonely tears will magically transform the orange body pillow I call Pillow Hot Ginge into the real thing. Hey, it can happen!

Zoe Saldana, one-time beard of Bradley Cooper, the blue chick from Avatar, and most importantly, Kit from Crossroads, was on the SiriusXM radio show Sway in the Morning (which sounds like it should be hosted by Delilah and ONLY Delilah) to promote Rosemary’s Unwanted Remake and confessed to the nastiest place she’s had sex. And when I say nasty, I mean N-A-S-T-Y-aren’t-you-at-the-clinic-right-now-getting-a-million-tetanus-shots?

Zoe says that she’s had sex in a plane (then again, who hasn’t) and that the craziest place she’s gotten her rocks off has been on the New York City subway, which doesn’t sound so crazy if you’ve ever ridden the subway in a large city (raise your hand if you have to use your toes to count the number of times you’ve seen two crust punks tenderly dry humping under a trash bag). But it’s where on the train she got her fuck on that makes you truly question Zoe’s sanity:

“Okay this is ghetto, but hey I’m from Queens so whatever. There is a train from Coney Island [New York] all the way back into the city, and it was between two train cars. It was super ghetto. But I’m a lady now.”

You’ve got to be hornier than a teenage squirrel at squirrel prom to agree to fuck between the cars on a train. Forget the fact that it’s New York and that just breathing the air in some places will give you HPV of the lungs (mostly the area surrounding Lindsay Lohan’s apartment). I’m actually more concerned that she pressed her parts against all those filthy gears and grimy doors. You know when they do those swab tests on Dr. Oz that shows there’s more fecal bacteria on your cellphone than inside of a dog’s mouth or butthole or whatever? Now imagine what they’d find if they swabbed the area between two train cars. Spoiler alert! Rat feces. They’d find tons of rat feces.

I’m guessing she didn’t get her Coney Island fuck-on with Bradley Cooper (he’s too much of a lady), but by the looks of her fancy hobo husband Marco Perego and that scraggly filthy-looking hair nest, something tells me he’d be cool with it.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Allison and I were so wrapped up in highly important news stories like the black bear vs. two bulldogs and Snooki letting us know if the growing guidoling in her womb has a vagina or a peen that we forgot to post these beautiful pictures of Lindsay Lohan looking as fresh and stunning as a 50-something Reno, NV hooker who trolls casinos on Saturday mornings looking for elderly man whose wallets she can steal while giving them a handy in the front seat of their Cutlass Supremes. What I’m saying is that she’s never looked more glamorous.

LiLo was at some fundraiser (Side question: Do you need funds to go to a fundraiser?) in London last night. LiLo’s been in the UK for a while, because as some of us know, when you’ve gone through all the dick and pissed off all the dealers in one city, it’s time to pack up your asshole and move to another city. So she’s in London. You’re probably screaming for someone to please stick some Prozac in her nip slits and play her tits that “Happy” song since they look sad, depressed and on the verge of suicide. But it’s LiLo, she’s allergic to two things: bras and reason. What I don’t understand is, doesn’t LiLo know how much stuff a bra can hold? A bra can hold a ton of 8-balls and a lot of stolen rings and shit. Not wearing a bra just seems like a bad business decision.

The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to)  happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405  if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!

Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.

Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!

And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!

But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.

Pics: Getty, Splash