Guess What? Phil Robertson Still Thinks Every Gay Soul Will Burn Up In Hell’s Chiminea
When A&E put Duck Dynasty’s Phi Robertson on a two-week-long fake suspension for telling GQ that loving man anus is a disgusting sin and that black people were singing the happies during the Jim Crow era, I thought he’d spend his time in the time out corner realizing that maybe he shouldn’t condemn others to the fiery pits of Hell for serious and maybe he shouldn’t cherry pick quotes out of the Bible to serve his own purpose. I thought he’d come out a completely different person and lead the way for marriage equality in Louisiana!!! But nope. Phil Robertson is still out there Phil Robertson-ing.
In a video posted by TMZ that magically appeared days before the debut of Dick Dynasty’s new season, the hillbilly whose family got rich by tricking ducks into thinking they’re gonna get fucked told the congregation at his church during Easter Sunday service that he meant what he said about gays and gay people were just mad at his ass because he told us the truth.
“They were mad at me…. You say, ‘Why’d they get mad at you?’ Because instead of acknowledging their sin, like you had better do, they railed against me for giving them the truth about their sins. Don’t deceive yourselves. You want the verse? The news media didn’t even know it was a verse! They thought I was just mouthing off. Is homosexual behavior a sin? The guy asked me. I said, ‘Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?’ Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
Pictures of Lindsay Lohan snorting coke off of a john’s ass lips and RiRi inhaling weed smoke from a bong through her nipple slits would be more shocking and surprising than this video of Phil Robertson once again blabbing on about gays not inheriting the kingdom of God. Whatever. My Catholic abuelita taught me that any trick who wears a dirty t-shirt to church is pure basura and you shouldn’t listen to a thing they say. I mean if you’re going to say that gays and hookers aren’t going to Heaven, you should at least wear a Men’s Wearhouse blazer while doing so.
Here’s the video if you need to see it. If there was a thought cloud hanging over Phil’s head, the picture of a throbbing man anus would be in it.
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For May 21st!
In efforts to meet the demands of a booming population, Japan now rents out Blohan’s coke buggers. 250 sq ft for 500 Yen! – sarcasticlawyer
Upvote winner:
Gary Busey’s new teeth endure a strict inspection process. – Vernicious
via Break
Drew Barrymore’s 1-Month-Old Newborn Daughter Makes Her Magazine Cover Debut
Seen above doing an almost spot-on impersonation of me “I CAN’T-ing” at all of the pieces of dumb trash on I Wanna Marry Harry last night (Note: It would’ve been a “totally” spot-on impersonation if that baby’s mouth was covered with dried Nutella and a long-haired black chihuahua was sitting on her chest), Frankie Barrymore Kopelman was pulled out of her mom’s body just a month ago and she’s already got her first magazine cover. You know how Linda Evangelista said a million years ago that she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day? Well, I’m sure Frankie got way more than $10,000 for this cover and she didn’t even have to wake up to pose for it. Take that, Linda!
Since Drew is an old-fashioned kind of celebrity, she’s not going to post a picture of her six-second-old new baby friend on Instagram for free. That would be crazy. What’s the point of being a celebrity with baby making parts that can double as an ATM if you’re not going to give a magazine pictures of your baby for a check? So Drew got that money in exchange for pictures of her family and an interview which included these words about how Drew wants to give her girls stability and no access to drugs (read: things she didn’t have as a kid).
Barrymore, 39, says her own tumultuous childhood influenced what she sees as most important for her kids.
She wanted Olive “to have a sibling, because I really would have liked that in my life,” she says. “And always being on time, being there when I say I’m going to be there. Creating a real stable home. I know when my daughter wants to swing higher and jump into the pool and all of these things, she feels safe. To make your kids feel safe is everything.”
Dear Lindsay Lohan, use that pen you stole and those rolling papers to take note! This could be you (but probably not).
Here’s Drew wearing a giant nun’s habit as a dress at the German premiere of URLAUBSREIF (that’s German for “Razzie Magnet”) with Adam Sandler in Berlin yesterday. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Baby Frankie is giving her official review of her mom’s new movie in that picture above.
Pics: Wenn.com
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For May 20th!
Until we get Lindsay Lohan out of the dating pool we have to wear full body condoms. Let’s just make the best of it. – Jade
Upvote winner:
Michelle Duggar’s two remaining eggs make a break for it. – ImpertinentVixen
via Cheezburger
Night Crumbs
Leonardo DiCatchAHo partied with Katie Cleary of America’s Next Top Model season 1 at a club in Cannes. Yes, she was in the first season in 2003. Leonardo’s gone retro! – Lainey Gossip
On September 12th, Amal Alamuddin’s something borrow will be Jesus’ crown of thorn,s because he’ll land on earth to tell us that now that George Clooney’s getting married, the party’s over – Celebitchy
Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have to testify about the miscarriage she may or may not have had – The Superficial
I’m sure that’s not the first or 100th time that Kaley Cuoco’s poor dog has made a “Por favor, euthanize me now” face – Drunken Stepfather
Klowns sue clown – Reality Tea
Why is the Hammaconda covered in red paint and why is it between Eiza Gonazalez’s legs? – Hollywood Tuna
It’s that time of year again when we all break out the gallon tub of lube and watch a bunch of seamen work a greasy pole – Towleroad
Standards: Adriana Lima has some – IDLYITW
Alessandra Ambrosio’s dress looks like a week old lettuce wrap – Popoholic
Proof that humans are monsters: Crazy bitch turns her cat in for bringing her the good shit – Jezebel
Future came out of Ciara’s body yesterday – ICYDK
This is Ke$hit’s porn. She wants to rub her $natch on every single one of those beards – The Berry
Samantha Harris had a double mastectomy – HuffPo
Let’s just get our nipples hard for a second by pretending that Juliette Lewis is playing Pizzazz in the Jem movie – OMG Blog
Anthony Mackie is finally playing Jimi Hendrix – Pajiba
The new Happy Meal mascot looks creepy enough to be the next serial killer on Hannibal – SOW
Miranda Kerr went on to say, “Please, like Orly’s ever going to find pussy as good as this” – Popsugar
Bettie Page doesn’t deserve this – Just Jared
Pic: FameFlynet
ICYMI: A Shirtless Terry Crews Nip Syncing “Ebony And Ivory” With Jimmy Fallon
Ah, greased-up bouncy man titties; is there any better way to start your day? Well, besides waking up to the news that Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, and every Kardashian-Jenner (except for Bruce) have been selected by NASA to embark on a one-way trip into a black hole (“Tell me more about this black hole. Is it single?” – Kim Kardashian). But because Dorito Jesus can’t grant all of our wishes, seeing a shirtless Terry Crews will have to do for now.
Since Jimmy Fallon is a not-so-secret sadist who gets off on making guests of The Tonight Show do some cringe-worthy stuff in exchange for plugging their latest paycheck, Terry Crews came on to pimp out that new Adam Sandler movie The Brady Bunch Goes To Africa (or Blended, whatever) and ended up taking his shirt off and flexing his sessy pecs to “Ebony and Ivory”. Unfortunately, Jimmy Fallon was too much of a pussy to stand topless beside the chiseled beauty that is Terry Crews’s slimy naked chichis, so he used a body double and had them green screen his head on.
But there’s only one problem: “Ebony and Ivory” is too slow for Terry to really twerk those titties. Greasy chesticles like those deserve something with a little speed. Imagine if he’d nip synched to Vanessa Carlton instead? No, you’re right – The Tonight Show probably isn’t insured for that much sexiness.