Night Crumbs

/ June 10, 2014

It looks like Olivia Munn and Aaron Rodgers signed their contract, I guess, and she really lights up with happiness when she’s around him and by “him” I mean the cameras – Lainey Gossip 

Soooooookeh is a proud wife, mother and lover of peen and poon – Celebitchy

Mila Kunis has entered the stage of being knocked up where she just throws any old tablecloth on her body and calls it a dress – The Superficial

I need a lot of pills and potions to get through this Nicki Minaj video – Drunken Stepfather

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills might finally be getting its first Asian housewife and yes I was kind of hoping it would be Jocelyn Wildenstein, but Christina Chiu will do. Wait, Jocelyn Wildenstein isn’t Asian? – Reality Tea

The raw emotions pour out of Robert De Niro when talking about his gay father and I was kind of waiting for him to quote Heathers by saying, “I love my dead gay dad!” – Towleroad

The paps must’ve had to camp out for weeks and camouflage themselves with seaweed and sand to get pictures of the reclusive Joanna KrupaHollywood Tuna

Candice Swanepoel’s lingerie shorts really aren’t short enough – Popoholic

One of the daughters of The Real Housewives of Vancouver got shot in a drive-by shooting – OMG Blog

RiRi’s new house looks like the lair of a villain in the Rocketeer world – Jezebel

Lindsay Lohan is a wonderful and caring older sister – ICYDK

Douche overdose – The Berry

Jim Parsons looks like my ex-boyfriend here and no he wasn’t a serial killer… I think – SOW

As Jada Pinkett Smith stares up at the boogers in Will Smith’s nose, you can almost hear the pap say, “Hold it! Hold it! I want this to look natural!” – HuffPo

Kelly Rowland’s knocked up with the Kelly Rowland to Blue Ivy’s BeyonceJust Jared

No. – IDLYITW

Ed Sheeran better check that needlepoint for a camera, because I’m sure there’s one hidden in there so Taylor Swift can always watch him – Popsugar

Bryan Singer’s accuser file a new sexual assault lawsuit – Buzzfeed

Cindy Crawford’s chirruns are Zoolanders-in-the-making – Moe Jackson

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Yaya DaCosta From ANTM Will Play Whitney In Lifetime’s Whitney Houston Biopic

/ June 7, 2014

I’m sorry, you’ll need to give me a minute. I’m currently frantically searching for the bag of honey-lemon Ludens I keep near my desk for times that require some extra-soothing comfort, because my throat feels like sandpaper after screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!! DEBRA WILSON WAS ROBBED!!!” at the top of my lungs.

HuffPo has confirmed that the lead role in Angela Bassett’s Lifetime’s biopic of Whitney Huston has gone to America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 runner-up Yaya DaCosta. Ever since Tyra Banks deemed her unfit to smize in a JCPenney flyer (or whatever they used to compete for), Yaya began acting and has had a variety of television and movie roles, including All My Children, Ugly Betty, Tron: Legacy, and Lee Daniels’ The Butler, as the girlfriend who gives Oprah a face full of side-eye.

I know this Whitney biopic will be messier than Bobbi Kristina’s relationship situation, and you need a messy bitch to play Whitney right, but at least Angela Bassett put her foot down and refused to uphold the Lifetime tradition of casting actual messes.

Pic: Splash

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Night Crumbs

/ June 4, 2014

Pharrell Williams, got a lot of shit for wearing a Native American headdress when he’s not a Native American chief. Maybe the smoothest rat of NIMH should stick to wearing hats that look like a dented peen head   – Celebitchy

Dear Casper Smart, tell Baby Brahim we all said hi when you make your way to the back of the boy toy unemployment line – Lainey Gossip

Pimp Mama Kris trains her hos well: Kendull Jenner knows that she can’t talk about the book she didn’t write since she can’t read, so she’s selling it by bringing her chichis out – Drunken Stepfather

“What a prudish pilgrim” said RiRiThe Superficial

Mad Magazine really captured Kimye as their true selves – Reality Tea

Stains human twin Jonathan Rhys Meyers is in HBO’s Stonewall movie – Towleroad

Alyssa Milano in Dollar Store Game of Thrones cosplay – Hollywood Tuna

I didn’t know Hawaii had their own Coachella. That’s why Emma Roberts is dressed like that, right? – Popoholic

ScarJo’s fetus is growing – Popsugar

False Tori was fake until the very, very end – Jezebel

Prepare the boggling of your mind, Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to something – ICYDK

Double your pleasure, double your fap time – The Berry

Bethenny Frankelstein and Jason Hoppy’s messy custody battle is finally over and surprisingly enough, it didn’t end with her unlocking her bony jaw and swallowing him whole – HuffPo

The name “Roy Jones Jr.” makes my brain spit out a stream of question marks, but because I can’t say no to peen, here’s his peen in a selfie – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Meanies being mean to Damon Lindelof for Lost’s shit ending is the reason why he left the Twitter playground and never came back – Pajiba

I didn’t know those Westboro Baptist assholes still existed. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Brad PaisleyIDLYITW

Nobody wanted to make Melissa McCarthy an Oscar dress – Just Jared

50 Cent jacked us all off with his bullshit excuse for why he throws a pitch like a cat – SOW

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Night Crumbs

/ June 3, 2014

Just like you do, Mimi wore one of her casual daytime gowns to a playdate in the park with her kids – Lainey Gossip 

Tom Ford broke up with Botox 2 years ago but he still kind of looks like a confused bat in the face – Celebitchy

Why won’t the paps just leave Lindsay Lohan alone? Don’t they see she’s trying to run to her corner dealer before last call? – Drunken Stepfather

Someone named Maitland Ward is trying to take Adrianne Curry’s grand ho of Comic-Con title – The Superficial

Andy Cohen is finally giving shameless starfuckers the platform they deserve and need – Reality Tea

Nancy Grace continues to show the world that her brains said “peace bitch” to her head a long time ago – Towleroad

The pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer celebrates World Cup by posing with a football that’s made of the same materials as her chichis – Hollywood Tuna

Either seeing double is a side effect of the Nexium I’m taking or Hilary Duff is holding Starbuck’s newest size magnus (which is latin for “bladder busting“) – Popoholic

Giuliana and Bill Rancic’s surrogate had a miscarriage – ICYDK

Veronica Mars will sing! Veronica Mars will get naked! At the same time! – Pajiba

The time BeyonceBot malfunctioned and went after 50 CentHuffPo

Poke at me when these hot pieces are out of uniform – The Berry

The American Nazi Party are grammar nazis too – OMG Blog

JLo is totally going to ground Casper Smart and take away his texting privileges for a month for sexting a transsexual – IDLYITW

Okay, who invited Jonah Hill to see a production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in Santa Clarita, CA? – Boy Culture

You can almost see the last remainder of hot leaving Johnny Depp’s body and transferring into Amber Heard’s body when they kiss – Just Jared

I really hope the Hercules movie sheds some light on history’s greatest warrior, like where did he get that weave, because that mess is beat – SOW

Benji Madden must be one of Cameron Diaz’s long-term-ish booty calls – Popsugar

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Harper’s Bazaar Photoshopped Out One Of Kate Upton’s Armpits

/ May 30, 2014

It also appears they’ve also done some not-right shit around her chest area; I know she said she wanted to draw more attention to her ass, but I don’t think Photoshopping a picture of her ass onto her tits is what she had in mind. Harper’s Bazaar posted this photo of cheesecake-in-a-bikini Kate Upton to their website to accompany an interview with her trainer (“Let’s start with bouncing, followed by some light jiggling”) and along with Photoshopping her legs, arms, gut, thighs, chin, skin, collarbones, fingernails, and earlobes to hell and back, they also went for one of her armpits. I’m not sure what Harper’s Bazaar has against Kate Upton’s right armpit to delete it entirely from the picture, but here are my guesses:

1. Kate showed up to the Harper’s Bazaar shoot with this tattoo (NSFW if your boss isn’t cool with refined gentlemen)

2. In an attempt to steal some attention away from Kate’s giant chichis, her right armpit grew a massive voluptuous cyst

3. Kate’s right armpit was too beautiful and it kept stealing focus from her face

4. It kept flipping the photographer off (it’s going through a phase right now)

Or maybe they didn’t actually Photoshop it out because it was never there? Maybe it never showed up to set. I heard a rumor that the last shoot Kate was on, her right armpit arrived 45 minutes late, reeking of booze. Then it disappeared for 2 hours and returned jittery and agitated and tried to take a swing at one of Kate’s boobs. Then at lunchtime, 2 swimsuits and a wallet went missing. Her armpit is basically the Lindsay Lohan of the modelling world.

Pic: Harper’s Bazaar

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Night Crumbs

/ May 29, 2014

Today, Prince William and Duchess Kate went to work in Scotland where the villagers gave them free flowers and free teddy bears, because if those two need anything it’s more free shit from the people. And is it just me or is Prince William sexing up that teddy in a skirt with his eyes? Prince Willy’s a plushie! – Lainey Gossip 

If Horse Illustrated had a swimsuit edition – Drunken Stepfather

I’m more shocked that it took this long for Dionne from Clueless to go to the place where she belongs: Fox News – Celebitchy

JWoww’s pregnant face makes her look like the cook from ClueThe Superficial

Well, in NeNe Leakes’ defense, she is going to need more money to buy a whole new set of wigs to fit her swelling head – Reality Tea

Robert De Niro had a gay dad – Towleroad

I do 87% of these things every day all the time, I don’t see what the problem is – The Berry

Emily Blunt’s chichis look like red pussy ears – Popoholic

Just like honesty and taking responsibility, bras still aren’t Lindsay Lohan’s thing – Hollywood Tuna

JLo’s new video is a panty creaming wonder if you hit the mute button and only focus on David Gandy’s nipples – Jezebel

File this directly under: THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER BE TWEETED, INSTAGRAMMED, TUMBLR’D, BLOGGED, MYSPACED, FRIENDSTERED, FACEBOOKED, SEEN BY EYES, ETC… – ICYDK

The Wonder Years reunited, no word on if grown Kevin narrated the entire get-together – SOW

Russell Tovey from Looking giving you arms and Shrek ears – OMG Blog

Yolanda Foster’s daughter has gone from Cody Simpson to Justin Bieber. Austin Mahowhatever, wait you’re turn, you’re up next – Celebslam

Calling Scout Willis! Calling Scout Willis! Your nipple-defending services are needed here – Pajiba

Ke$hit’s dude, I would – Popsugar

Lana Del Taco sang at Kanye’s fake wedding for free – Just Jared

The former head ho of Microsoft is the front-runner to buy the Clippers for $2 billion. $2 billion buys a whole lot of KKK robes – The Daily Beast

Pic: Getty

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