Night Crumbs

/ June 16, 2014

Nicole Kidman was at the Shanghai Film Festival selling that dried turd Grace of Monaco and some think that maybe she’s taken a break from injecting her face with plastic and has instead been injecting her titties with plastic. By the way, Nicole Kidman is the plastic doll on the right. I think. Don’t quote me on that.- Lainey Gossip 

Pinto Williams and Kenya Moore Whore will go for round 2 on The Real Housewives of Atlanta next season – Reality Tea

Eve married her billionaire boyfriend Maximillion Cooper (if that isn’t a billionaire bitch’s name, I don’t know what is) and I hope she sashayed down the aisle while rapping her part from Gwen Stefani’s Rich GirlCelebitchy

Okay, who gave Miley Cyrus jizz and told her it was hair gel? Please don’t say Billy Ray… – Drunken Stepfather

Jason Momoa is Aquaman in the Superman vs. Batman movie because there’s not enough superheroes in that mess – The Superficial

Ricky Martin changed the “she” in his song “She’s All I Ever Need” to “he” while performing in Morocco and he didn’t go to jail for it – Towleroad

Kate Walsh’s bikini looks like it’s made out of a bumpy squash – Hollywood Tuna

Another day, another set of pictures of Taylor Swift walking out of a building in NYC – Popoholic

Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Governor of California once, so I guess anything is possible – ICYDK

Show your appreciation for the hot pieces who protect this country by staring at these pictures of them – The Berry

Lifetime is making an Aaliyah biopic and Zendaya will play Aaliyah. To quote Aaliyah, TRY AGAIN, Lifetime – Jezebel

NBA hos read mean tweets about themselves – Pajiba

Rest in peace, Ultra Violet Boy Culture

This is one way to get me to watch football – OMG Blog

Hayden Christensen finally makes himself useful by taking pictures of a knocked up Rachel BilsonPopsugar

Steve Martin says Father of the Gay Bride is not happening – HuffPo

Even human smegma glob Uncle Terry doesn’t want people to think he screwed Lindsay LohanJust Jared

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

/ June 16, 2014

Viggo Mortensen said he only had sex with this A list mostly movie actress who is an Academy Award winner one time because she was so skinny and bony that it was painful. He compared it to having sex with a brick wall. (CDAN)

Goopy Paltrow? But Viggo Mortensen got it all wrong. That wasn’t one of Goopy’s bones stabbing him. The stick that’s usually stuck up her ass got loose and poked his body while he was hitting it from the back.

This A list singer/musician who has had two different jobs in two different A+ list groups is married and his wife just found out that our A lister has two children with a woman who has been on the road with him several times over the years. (CDAN)

Dave Grohl? And I’m going to choose to believe that somewhere in Courtney Love’s townhouse, she’s hiding the two secret love children she made with Dave Grohl. Those two look like they hate fuck so hard that they break the condom.

This former A list singer is now hanging on any way he can to B- list. The name is the only thing saving him from obscurity. You would think with all the talking about women he does that he would have a girlfriend or date someone. Nope. All guys all the time and is loving his new tour where he finds a new guy a night. (CDAN)

The only name that is squeezing out of your brain is probably John Mayer’s name. But I’m going to pass on the obvious and say this could be Engelbert Humperdinck, because I need to believe that there’s half a sliver of a chance that I’ll live out my wet dream fantasy of getting Humperdinck’d by Humperdinck.

Chances are very high that a brand new pregnancy announcement might turn to tragedy when the expectant father realizes the baby is not his. All he has to do is check the math. (CDAN)

Kate Major? But then again, I wouldn’t call that a “tragedy,” because Michael Lohan not spawning again is a win for humanity.

This multi-hyphenate’s PR team is more entertaining than she is!

They have been working so hard to keep their star from being embarrassed this week that they are just throwing tons of hilarious fictional poop against the wall hoping that something – anything! – will stick.

“They actually broke up earlier this year.” No. They were never really dating at all. That “earlier this year” comment was just an attempt to distance her from her fake boyfriend’s scandal.

“She will not be performing due to production issues.” No. There were no production issues. She just wanted to avoid being seen in public for a while. When the uproar about her cancellation became too loud, those mysterious production issues suddenly evaporated.

“She is dating a minor celebrity. It’s a new relationship.” The only accurate part of that statement is “new.” So new, in fact, that this fake relationship just happened this week!

Here’s what happened: She needed a big distraction from the scandal. They could absolutely not admit that she is involved with her bodyguard, because that would result in its own scandal.

Their solution: a new celebrity love interest!

However, they had four big challenges. 1. They had to find someone really fast. 2. They had to find someone with whom she had some contact in the past year or two (to create a plausible back story). 3. He had to be famous, unattached, scandal-free, and unquestionably straight. 4. He had to be available for the next few months and be willing to latch himself to her in the middle of a scandal.

They went through dozens of candidates in the past few days, but the pickings were very slim. They had to settle, so they got who they got. That’s who she will now be fake dating for the next few months.

So, is everyone talking about her new relationship? Yes, they are! Mission accomplished!

Kudos to her PR team. Seriously. They really earned their money this week… and provided us with great entertainment along the way! (Blind Gossip)

JLo and Maksim Douchekowsky. The end.

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These Wonderful And Responsible Parents Made Another Baby Together

/ June 15, 2014

If only Bob Barker reminded everyone to have their pets AND their douchebags spayed or neutered….

Michael Lohan and Kate Major shouldn’t be allowed to take care of a dead hemorrhoid burnt off of a hyena’s ass let alone be allowed to take care of an actual human being, but because we live in a country where involuntarily sterilization is illegal for some strange reason, they have made another baby together. Michael Lohan has sole custody of their first child, 16-month-old son Landon, because Kate Major is currently locked up in the chokey in Florida. The broke down gutter version of Tara Reid was sentenced to 8 months in prison after she violated probation in March by drunkenly crashing her car into some bushes following a messy fight with Michael Lohan. And before Kate became Orange is the New Black’s newest cast member, she bareback boned Michael Lohan and made another future ward of the state with him.

Gossip Extra (via Radar) reports that Kate still has 7 more months to serve, but her attorney Michelle Suskauer filed a motion asking the judge to let her serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest at home. According to her lawyer, Kate’s pregnancy is high-risk. Kate is claiming that she’s 9 weeks knocked up and she’s not able to see her regular doctor. The judge who threw Kate in prison for 8 months will decide if she gets special treatment or not. But the judge might not be amused since she knew Kate had a fetus growing in her when she sent her to prison.

Michael Lohan confirms to Gossip Extra that Kate is pregnant with his 7th kid (or is it 8th? Or 10th? I’m losing track.)

Lindsay Lohan really did inherit her dad’s ability to make wonderful decisions. I mean, you’d think that Michael Lohan’s one brain cell would do him a favor by letting him know that maybe sticking it raw in a trick isn’t such a good idea, because there’s only so many stories about his piece of trash family he can sell to the tabloids to put a dent in all the child support he owes. You’d also think that maybe Kate Major’s one brain cell would do her a favor by letting her know that maybe letting Michael Lohan stick it in raw isn’t a good idea at all. Well, the good news for the unborn Lohan in Kate’s body is that if the judge doesn’t release her from prison and she has to give birth in there, it can escape to the janitor’s closet after slipping out of her poon and it can be raised by prison rats. So there’s that.

And at this point, there’s enough Lohans to rent a pretty big church basement to hold weekly meetings for their Traumatized Children of Michael Lohan support group.

Here’s Michael’s pride and thinking she’s St. Angie Jolie at the Oscars while trolling around London last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Jason Biggs Is Talking Shit About Tara Reid Again

/ June 14, 2014

I don’t know what shocks me more: that someone could have a heart black enough to talk shit about National Treasure Tara Reid, or that in 2014 we’re still talking about the stale crust from American Pie.

4th place runner-up in an Adam Sandler pageant Jason Biggs was interviewed by Joan Rivers for her web series In Bed With Joan, and during a segment called “Live Or Die”, Joan gave Piper’s annoying husband from OITNB the choice between saving either his former American Pie co-star and current springtime dew drop Tara Reid or human dirty needle Lindsay Lohan. Obviously, anyone with a set of eyes knows you’d save effervescent earth angel Tara Reid over the Apricot Ashtray, but for some reason Jason Biggs has beef with Tara, so he chose Lindsay.

“She’s got nice boobs. She really does. Lindsay’s got nice boobs. Tara’s body, I don’t know what’s going on with it. I don’t think she ever knows what’s going on with it. Lindsay doesn’t know what’s going on with Tara’s body either. No one knows what’s going on with Tara’s body.”

Excuse you, you rude-ass pie fucker, but that’s Tara Reid’s exquisite Renaissance sculpture of a body you’re hissing mouth lies about! Clearly Jason needs his eyes checked, because it’s pretty obvious what’s going on with Tara’s body: it looks like a beautiful sun-bleached terracotta column crowned with a decorative bundle of freshly-harvested hay.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time he’s taken a swipe at Tara Reid. A year ago, Jason was on Watch What Happens Live and he joked that Tara Reid’s prison nickname would be “Hot Mess”. When Tara finally woke up from the bus stop bench in West Hollywood where she’d passed out the night before, she Tweeted at Jason that he’d hurt her feelings. I can’t imagine how hurt her feelings will be when she discovers that she lost to Lindsay Lohan in a “Which Tired Skank Would You Rather” contest. Thankfully, we have at least 3 days before she sobers up and remembers which pile of cigarette butts her laptop is buried under before she finds out.

And in case you need a reminder of her timeless glamour, here’s Tara Reid star floating gracefully like a feather caught in the summer breeze in Beverly Hills on Thursday night:

Pics: Splash

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Night Crumbs

/ June 13, 2014

Leonardo DiCatchAHo is renting this tiny, little boat for World Cup and it’s just big enough to hold the highest ranking members of the Pussy Posse and all the models he’ll pick up. Sadly, there’s no room for Lukas Haas. He’ll have to sleep in one of the life boats. The story of Lukas Haas’ life. – Lainey Gossip

Lindsay Lohan wants to laser her freckles off and in LiLo talk, “freckles” is code for anal warts, right? – The Superficial

The Real Crazywives of New York reunion filmed today and I wonder how many times Ramona Singer broke her glass on Kristen’s face? – Reality Tea

Screw Lady CaCa’s nipples, how many rats chewed the back of her hair off? – Drunken Stepfather

James Marsden and Nina Dobrev might be a thing – Celebitchy

These pictures of Kim Kardashian’s krotch on her honeymoon are missing a sign that says, “Over 2 Thousand Served”WWTDD

I’m impressed that Kendull Jenner held that book right side up – Hollywood Tuna

Please tell me Mary Steenburgen has hot lesbian prison sex with Red in season 3 of OITNBPajiba

In “Why isn’t CNN all over this?” news, Ashley Greene bought coffee the other day – Popoholic

“Why is foam dribbling out of my mouth?” said Miley Cyrus’ assistant/friend minutes after she kissed him with her thrush tongue – Popsugar

Happy 4,598,874th Annual Shirtless Friday! – The Berry

CORRECTION: So Lea Michele’s new piece is not a hooker, he’s a “dating coach” who gets paid to fuck. Glad we cleared that up – ICYDK

The world isn’t right: Detective Courtney Love and Detective La Toya will not be the stars of True Detective 2Jezebel

Stacey Dash got herself a 25-year-old “aspiring model and actor” cub who’d probably make a question mark with his face if she asked him if he’s seen CluelessJust Jared

Ick. Nast. And all of the above. HuffPo

Boy George and the Culture Club are back together – Queerty

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Night Crumbs

/ June 11, 2014

St. Angie Jolie continued to be the saint of all saints by speaking at the Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict. And while doing so she paid tribute to Jane Fonda in 9 to 5 by wearing that outfit – Lainey Gossip

Jena Malone’s new song, her singing and her performance skills are offensive on every level – Celebitchy

But what I want to know is, how many gallons of paint remover did it take to remove all that fake tanner off of Kiki Dunst’s pasty skin? – Drunken Stepfather

Brandi Glanville isn’t homeless! She just leaked a fake story about her being homeless, because her name hasn’t been on Radar in a few days and she was starting to get the shakes. That’s all! – Reality Tea

So if you’re in Northern California and see a crazy bitch in a tattered weave jump behind the Jack In The Box counter and devour all their food. Just shrug and keep it moving. It’s just  Beyonce going insane after spending a full day meditating and eating organic chia seeds with Goopy PaltrowThe Superficial

John Waters continues to be the best on The Colbert ReportTowleroad

I will never forgive Ellen for this – Jezebel

Did AnnaLynne McCord seek out to find the ugliest one piece she could find? If so, kudos, challenge won! – Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Biel’s dress looks like a craft project made out of a wedding napkin and cotton balls – Popoholic

In Grumpy Cat’s own words, “NO.” – Pajiba

Needs way more baseball bulge – The Berry

HBO will murder Kit Harington’s entire family if he even thinks about cutting off his luscious locks – ICYDK

I’m sad Lifetime’s BAPs isn’t a remake of the only BAPs that matters – OMG Blog

Who knew OshKosh B’gosh made hot one pieces? – HuffPo

In case your eyes need to see one more picture of North West crying for her mommy (aka the nanny), here you go – Popsugar

Will somebody please send this court jester to the gallows already? – Just Jared

The Dumb and Dumber To trailer is here – IDLYITW

Cloris Leachman’s Lindsay Lohan costume is SPOT-ON – SOW

Pic: Getty

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