If watching toilet paper commercials gives you the urge to go pee, then I strongly suggest you take a break and empty your bladder before pressing play on the first trailer for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, otherwise you might find yourself in the middle of a Fergie-Ferg moment. I know it’s supposed to get me all amped up to see another 2 hours of Jennifer Lawrence shooting arrows at shit in depressing future times, but all the trailer does is make me want to go to the bathroom.

I know it’s supposed to be Donald Sutherland’s office or castle in Panem or whatever (can you tell I’ve never watched The Hunger Games?) but it feels like they filmed the whole thing inside a fancy future Restoration Hardware catalogue. And I’m told this is supposed to be a propaganda commercial, but it still feels like Donald Sutherland is auditioning to replace those butthole-obsessed Charmin bears. I can practically feel the quilted cottony softness of his coat soothing my no-no after eating an entire bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

This is a new trailer, but it’s giving me deja-vu for some reason. Let’s see…stark white room…a delusional megalomaniac with a god complex…a silent twink with a vacant look on his face. Oh right! The Scientology Christmas card.

And how much do you want to bet that immediately after watching this all-white Hunger Games trailer, the search history on Lindsay Lohan’s laptop started filling up results for “Panem” + “Magical city make of coke??” + “Direct flights”.

The house from the 1980s Nickelodeon game show Finders Keepers!

Kids game shows in the 1980s were all about sending brats through elaborate obstacle courses that were probably not-so-well-built death traps (see: Fun House and Legends of the Hidden Temple) and the Nickelodeon turned syndicated game show Finders Keepers falls right into that category. Finders Keepers started on Nickelodeon in 1987 and it moved into syndication a year later where it ran until its death in 1989. During its 260 episodes, Finders Keepers had two hosts, Wesley  Eure and Larry Toffler, and I don’t remember any of their faces. The first round of Finders Keepers is what inspired the makers of Ambien to make Ambien. They barely stayed awake through the first round of Finders Keepers and said, “Hey, we should put that in pill form.” The first round was boring, because the kids didn’t get to go into the giant dollhouse. In the second round, the host would yell clues at the kids and the kids would run around the house looking for the object that matched the clue. They looked like strung out crackheads who broke into their grandma’s house and were furiously looking for money and shit to pawn off before she got home from BINGO.

The Finders Keepers house was a mess. It looked like a hoarders house. If there were burnt out pieces of foil and stolen Balenciega leather jackets strewn on the floor, it would look just like Lindsay Lohan’s den of delusion. Because it was a Nickelodeon show and no Nickelodeon show in the 80s was complete without shit flying at kids, hidden in the Finders Keepers house were stage hands who’d pop out of places and spray kids with whipped cream and slime. I know, grown ups hiding in houses and spraying kids with whipped cream. Chris Hansen just got an idea for To Catch A Predator: The Game Show!

Finders Keepers maybe wasn’t the greatest or most memorable kids game show of the 80s, but the Finders Keepers house still boggled my young gay mind. I was really into Broadway and THEE-AH-TUR! when I was a kid, so I’d look at the Finders Keepers house on that soundstage and think to myself, “That must be what Broadway looks like!”

Here’s a full episode of Finders Keepers and no, you don’t have anything more productive to do than to watch a Nickelodeon kids game show from the 80s.

Tim McGraw tells Men’s Health that five years ago he was filling his body with the sweet nectar and the bad shit until one day his buzz-killing wife Faith Hill told him that he was going too far and he better slow it all the way down before he ends up sharing space with a Lohan in rehab and nobody wants that to happen to themselves. So Tim McGraw immediately divorced his wife for trying to fuck with his beautiful relationship with booze. No, he divorced booze and drugs and traded in his usual bottle of Jack Daniels and his favorite coke snortin’ straw for weights. Tim worked out all the time and now he’s nothing but skin, bones and a whole lot of muscles. With that skull cap on, he looks like Jackie Warner’s ripped clit.

What I’ve learned from Tim’s Men’s Health interview is that if I want to look like a buff worm, I need to stop pouring booze into my mouth hole and start lifting those things that weigh a lot. Naw, I’ll pass and leave that shit to Tim McGraw. And yes he kind of looks like a muscular Powder covered in bronzer, but I still would.

My pick and upvote winner:

Ass up in a third world country, Lindsay Lohan can definitely copy this Marilyn phase successfully. – Miss Tia

via Reuters

Deadline says that after months of negotiations (ie. seeing if their insurance covers damage sustained by a wine-drunk come-to-life Jack Link), Netflix has confirmed that they signed a deal with Chelsea Handler for a late-night talk show. The ink on the divorce papers between Chelsea Handler and E! will officially be dry on August 26, but Netflix says we’ll have to wait till early 2016 for Chelsea’s return to television. Oh no! That’s more than a year away! Thankfully I’ve got Barb, the sun-damaged chatty alcoholic MILF who runs the convenience store down the street from my house, who will tide me over in the meantime.

Not much else is known about Chelsea’s new talk show except that it’s on Netflix, which means you can watch it anytime you want and pause it to take bathroom breaks or switch back to episodes of 90210 if shit gets boring, but Chelsea did explain why she chose to Netflix as her new comfortable spot to lay down when she gets a strong case of the booze spins:

“If I was going to continue working in this industry, I knew I had to do something outside the box to keep myself interested…I wanted to sit with the cool kids at lunch so I approached Netflix to make sure they were as cool as I thought they were, and when I confirmed my suspicions, like with any other future lover, I made my move.”

Netflix then added: “…and now we all need several aggressive rounds of penicillin and treatment for second-hand cirrhosis of the liver.”

Chelsea Handler doing a talk-show on Netflix makes so much sense. Filming a new show every night must have been exhausting, since she spends 22 hours a day drunker than a Lohan (during her mid-afternoon 2-hour blackout, her blood alcohol level dips juuuust slightly below 0.08, which means she’s technically sober). Now she can film a whole season’s worth of episodes in a single afternoon, and spend the rest of her time trying to steal pruno from the set of Orange Is The New Black.

Pic: Wenn

Shelby, the runaway pussy who came back home after 13 years.

All the way back in 2001, Paula Harper-Adams’ cat Shelby went missing and she figured that either the cat got hit by a car and flew off to heaven or Shelby ran away to L.A. to audition for the eventually-shelved reboot of Homeward Bound and when that didn’t pan out that pussy snuck onto a ship going to Japan and worked as a hostess at a cafe in Tokyo. Paula and her family thought that they’d never see Shelby again. Fast forward to 13 years later when a stray pussy showed up on the doorstep of Paula’s St. Albans Park house in Victoria, Australia looking a mess. She was full of fleas, raggedy as all hell and her fur was matted down. In other words, she looked like a morning after Lindsay Lohan. It wasn’t good.

You’d think that if your cat, who went missing 13 years ago, suddenly showed up on your front door, you’d lock eyes with it, scream “NEEEETTTTIEEEEEEEEEEEEE” and then you’d run towards each other and hug before slow dancing to “Reunited.” But that’s not what happened between Paula and Shelby. Paula didn’t know the busted down, homeless cat in front of her house was Shelby at first even though Shelby probably threw the same “Bitch, YOU KNOW ME” side-eye that your ex-hook-ups throw at you when you spot them on the subway and quickly move to the next car. Paula tells the Geelong Advertiser that she took Shelby to the vet to see if they could fix her up. Paula thought Shelby was a much younger cat, but the vet told her that Shelby was a lot older. That’s when something in Paula’s brain clicked and she wondered if that stray cat could be Shelby. Paula went home, found an old picture of Shelby and the faces matched. Paula had her Shelby back and she could once again say to Shelby during dinnertime, “Drink yer milk, Shelby!” Paula put it like this:

“I was convinced I was crazy, but I took a photo of the cat’s face, in case anyone ­responded to my Facebook post (for a missing animal), and left. I half joked that if I could find a photo of Shelby, I’d be back (to compare). Well, I went home and, like a woman possessed, searched through box after box until I found the photo I was looking for, Shelby. I took the photo back to the vet and the girls had a good look over her and the photo before coming back and ­announcing to me in the waiting room: ‘She is your cat.’ ’’

REJOICE! Shelby and Paula are back together again……unless that isn’t Shelby at all. Are we sure those white markings on Shelby’s face weren’t painted on with Wite-Out? Are we sure that cat didn’t befriend Shelby out in the wild, learn her story and then pretend to be her? This could be a Sommersby situation. I hope they turn this into a reality show, because I really want to see the scene where Paula realizes Shelby’s an impurrstor and screams, “YOU ARE NOT MY PUSSY!”

Here’s Shelby’s story and I’m sure there’s an evil Pixar executive who is thinking to himself that he has found his next billion dollar money maker: a 3D computer-animated remake of 12 Years A Slave starring cats!