The Rhubarb Lady’s Florida cousins have been found! But instead of snatching rhubarb, they’re snatching canopies. No Florida beach is safe.

A man named Rich says that he was enjoying the Fourth of July holiday at New Smyrna Beach with his family when his kids got the tireds and needed naps. Rich decided to leave their tent canopy, boogie boards, chairs and toys on the beach and walk his kids to the house they were staying at which was a block away. Rich tells Gawker that he was gone for about an hour and a half and when he came back, he found a lady in a red tankini and another lady in an orange shirt trying to thieve his shit. Rich played with them for a little while and after they tell him that it’s their stuff and they’re having trouble breaking it down, he let them know that the stuff they’re trying to snatch belongs to his family. The Thelma & Louise of the Land’s End set did what a Lohan would do in that situation. They played dumb and put on their best “HUH?” face.

They went back and forth with Rich and when he finally told them to step away from his shit, Red Tankini went from dumb Golden Retriever to Cujo and told him to stop recording her or she’ll take that camera “and put it in the grass.” “Put it in the grass” sounds like the iPhone auto-correction version of “Shove it up your ass.” Rich tells Gawker that he didn’t mean to stop recording and I wish he didn’t stop recording, because Red Tankini spit out another priceless line:

What followed was pure gold. I continued to back up as we went around the canopy frame. In the most bizarre moment she gnashed her teeth, lunging at me with an open palm and said, “I’ll grab your dick!” I appreciated the offer but didn’t feel the chemistry was there.

The two then said they needed to call “Pat”, which may or may not have been the androgynous SNL character. He or she was going to apparently clarify what they were doing with my stuff. Lady in Red said, “We need to get a phone, but not his. His phone is tainted.” They then scurried off towards the parking lot.

Those two Floridian angels would’ve gotten away with it if they quoted their cousin The Rhubarb Lady and said, “Beach property, bitch! Beach property!”

So a lady in a red tankini with David Spade hair tried to steal a canopy on a beach and when she got caught she threatened to give the dude a violent handjob? Sorry, Orange Blossom, you’ve had a good run, but Florida has a new official state flower.

NOOOOOOOO! This is the worst Fourth of July ever. My wiener-swallowing idol Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas lost her title as the Queen of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest when she was beat in the women’s match by Miki Sudo who gobbled down 34 dogs to her 27 3/4 dogs. I was kind of expecting the speed blow job giver of Britain to enter at the last minute and show all of them how to inhale dozens of soggy dogs in seconds. And on the men’s side, Joey Chestnut won for the eight hundredth time, because his bowls are not human   – Gothamist

Mya isn’t Jay-Z’s kept side piece and Beyonce is still letting everyone know she has the perfect, most wonderful-est family in the world – Lainey Gossip

If Joan Rivers really wanted to tell a joke that would make Ann Coulter cackle while furiously jacking her own dick off, she succeeded! – Towleroad

Cosmo used the “lipo” Photoshop tool on Iggy Azalea’s triple-stuffed ass – Celebitchy

I don’t think Michelle Rodriguez and pretty pretty princess Zac Efron are anything but friends, because if they were something more, he’d be rolling around in a wheelchair. You know Michelle Rodriguez would tear that delicate ass up with a strap-on – The Superficial

MiserAlba is in GQ doing an impersonation of someone watching one of her movies – Popoholic

Kate Upton giving you Boca Raton nana – Holllywood Tuna

Usually Burger King brings people to tears by serving up some diarrhea-inducing shit that will make you weep while spending hours on the toilet, but this time they brought people to tears for a different reason – OMG Blog

Lea Michele isn’t knocked up, she just got hacked. Like Lea would ever give out that information for free and not on the cover of Life & Style. We all know her too well – Wonderwall

Rob Kardashian doesn’t have a secret son, but judging by his belly, he might have a secret set of triples coming very soon – Buzzfeed

Austria’s national flower won an award – The Blemish

Either the escort game in Britain is like no other or someone’s missing a $10,000 Givenchy bag – Celebslam

Pic: AP

“You let me know if you want me to drop this dildo-looking microphone and start carrying a prison shank instead” – the owl tattooed on her shoulder.

Taryn Manning, who you may know from OITNB as the crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly Pennsatucky or from her career-defining Oscar-nominated (I WISH) role as Mimi the knocked-up trailer park princess in Crossroads, has pressed charges against a former friend who she claims has been getting a little too Alex Forrest-y with her. Page Six says that Lindsay Lohan’s cleaned-up cousin went to the police after being bombarded by hundreds of texts and emails from her former friend Jeanine Heller. A judge released Heller without bail, but issued an order of protection that prevents Heller from contacting Taryn, Taryn’s mom Sharon (Sharon and Taryn sounds like a mother-daughter stripper act in Reno), or the family dog Penguin. You hear that, Jeanine? STOP TEXTING PENGUIN. He doesn’t want to deal with your shit.

The judge told Jeanine to knock it off with the texting, but her fingers are so used to going all non-stop Sonic the Hedgehog on her Blackberry (yes she has a Blackberry. Sending hundreds of texts and emails requires a keyboard. But also because those roots say “I’m kinda on a budget”). She really needs to find an activity to keep those tap-happy fingers busy. I suggest she put her fingers to work by hooking up with a laptop and doing some research to find out whatever happened to that star on Taryn Manning’s face.

Johnny Weir (30)
Margot Robbie (24)
Lindsay Lohan (28)
Ashley Tisdale (29)
Michelle Branch (31)
Richard Medina (36)
Owain Yeoman (36)
Erin Burnett (38)
Peter Kay (41)
Yancy Butler (44)
Monie Love (44)
Jose Canseco (50)
Sam Naceri (53)
Bret Hart (57)
Jerry Hall (58)
Wendy Schaal (60)
Larry David (67)
Richard Petty (77)

After getting escorted out of Cabaret in handcuffs for slapping asses and smoking, and trying to get a stranger to punch him outside of a strip club, and fucking with a homeless dude, and spitting at police officers, Shia LaBeouf, or somebody in Shia’s life, thought it would be a good idea for him to have a seat somewhere and deal with whatever it is he’s going through. Shia’s terror on Times Square ended this weekend when he flew his ass back to L.A. L.A. braced itself thinking that Shia would pick up where Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan left off by either clipping a baby’s stroller with his car while drunk driving or by having a long conversation with hangers while spending hours trying on jeggings in a dressing room. But apparently, Shia has finally checked himself into rehab.

X17 (via HuffPo) has been stalking Shia’s house and they say that earlier today, he was seen carrying around an Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. Hours later, Shia left his house and x17’s paps followed him to a rehab facility where a security guard and a nurse greeted him. X17’s pap must also freelance as a mind reader (Watch yourself, Long Island Medium, because x17’s pap is coming for your gig), because he said that Shia didn’t want to go:

“Shia was nervous; he didn’t look good all morning. He was looking down and wasn’t even talking to his driver. It looked like he didn’t want to do it, but he knew he had to.”

A few years ago, Shia admitted to Parade Magazine that he had a major problem with the sweet nectar. Shia has tried to clean up with the help of AA for years and he’s been on and off the wagon. Shia is most likely in rehab to deal with his booze issues, but he could also be in there to deal with his severe addiction to nutsack-strangling man leggings.

Somebody reminded me that Even Stevens was a Disney show, which makes Shia one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos. Damn you, Mickey! You got another one. Dateline NBC really needs to conduct an undercover investigation into Mickey Mouse’s finances and dealings. They’d probably discover that Mickey is the largest owner of rehab joints in the country! That’s Mickey’s game. Mickey milks as much cash out of his child stars while they’re cute and young and as soon as they grow pubes, he throws them out into the streets, knowing that they’ll probably turn to the bottle to deal with being one of his former puppets. Then when they have a full-fledged problem, they’ll check into a rehab facility that’s probably owned by Mickey. Mickey makes money off of them when they’re young and cute and he makes money off of them when they’re down and out. Mickey Mouse is the devil and must be stopped!

Before Angela Bassett cast Yaya DaCosta from America’s Next Top JcPenney Model as Whitney Houston in the Lifetime biopic of Nippy’s life, Bobbi Kristina let it be known that she wants to play her mother. Entertainment Weekly talked to Angela, who is making her directorial debut with this mess, about the basic cable Nippy biopic and asked her if the thought of casting Bobbi Kris ever touched her brain. Bobbi Kris as Nippy was never an idea that popped into Angela’s thought cloud, because Lifetime is an emporium of artistic excellence and only allows the most-skilled and trained actors to perform in their movies. Angela told EW that Bobbi Kris just isn’t an actress.

No, I did not think about that. I did not think about casting her. And probably for a number of reasons, you know. One being that she’s not an actress. I know she’s acted here and there. I know she’s been on their family’s reality show, but she’s not an actress and acting is a craft. It’s an attempt to illuminate the complexities of human behavior and life. And this is a very fast-paced schedule; we have just 21 days to tell this story. It’s more than just saying lines and turning the light on. You have to drive the story—there’s a technical aspect.

Way to lay it on thick, Angela. It’s a damn Lifetime movie. You don’t need to have graduated from Juilliard and extensively trained with Sir Laurence Olivier at The National Theater to be in a Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling has been in several Lifetime movies and if Tori can do it, so can a wet packet of Silica Gel. In other words, ANYBODY and ANYTHING can be in a Lifetime movie. Lindsay Lohan wasn’t illuminating the complexities of human behavior and life when she was butchering Elizabeth Taylor’s image in that Liz & Dick crap. She was illuminating shit acting and that’s about it. “Acting is a craft” shit aside, Angela really told no lies and wasn’t even being mean. But Bobbi Kristina got mad at Angela and said that Angela was born with a dick.

The delusion in BK’s head could fill her gap toof a million times over. First of all, BK is setting herself up by saying she’s going to win an Oscar and a Grammy and she’s crazy for thinking she could play Whitney Houston. BK could probably play the title role in The Bobby Brown Story, but The Whitney Houston Story, no. BK should go back to fucking her adoptive brother and stop dragging Angela Bassett. In the words of Yaya, RESPEITO, BK. RESPEITO!

Casting Bobbi Kristina as Whitney Houston would’ve been ridiculous and a shameless stunt, which is why I’m surprised that Lifetime didn’t do it.

via Necole Bitchie