Night Crumbs

/ July 17, 2014

Charlize Theron and Sean Penn might get married this summer and adopt a baby after that and the only reason I can come up with as to why in the HELL she’s doing this to yourself is: COOOOOOOOOKE – Lainey Gossip 

Two things: 1. The ASA is dumb in the brains for banning Tom Hiddleston’s Jaguar ad for promoting that it’s “good to be bad” while driving. 2. Jaguar is dumb in the brains for casting Tom Hiddleston instead of Latarian Milton for that campaign – Celebitchy

Bitch, save it for your profile on SeekingArrangement.com – Drunken Stepfather

Based on Page Six’s description of the dude Goopy Paltrow’s supposedly dating, I can say that she’s totally doing Napoleon DynamiteThe Superficial

Terry Dubrow doesn’t want to do plastic surgery on Heather Dubrow, because if he cut into her face, gallons of Botox would spill onto the floor and create a total mess that would take WEEKS to clean up – Reality Tea

NBC took the gayness out of ConstantineTowleroad

Selena Gomez is wearing a caftan that Blanche Devereaux would wear a million times better while on vacation in Mexico. Oh, Selena, keep the caftan-wearing to the adults – Hollywood Tuna

Mario Götze’s boner took the day off, I see – Popsugar

Ewan McGregor might star in True Detective next season and I’m all for it if his character only wears kilts with no panties – Pajiba

I would stare at Nicole Scherzinger’s chichis, but her ratty rattail is distracting me – Popoholic

Jason Biggs did something Jason Biggs-ey today – Jezebel

One of Gisele Bundchen’s queefs can pay your mortgage for the year – ICYDK

Nope, Emma Stone doesn’t sound batshit at all – IDLYITW

Here’s one third of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’ baby’s face – HuffPo

When they were chirrun: the Orange is the New Black edition – The Berry

Okay, but poke at me when Beverly Hills Teens is getting the reboot it deserves! – OMG Blog

The only thing I’m getting from the first picture of Sarah Paulson as conjoined twins in American Horror Story: Freak Show is that they’re both wearing Mrs. White from Clue wigs – SOW

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Night Crumbs

/ July 16, 2014

Vanity Fair denies using the toupee Photoshop tool to add more fur to Prince William’s bald head, but Baby Prince George’s, “Hahaha, they’re totally going to Photoshop more hair onto your naked-ass dome” look says it all – Lainey Gossip 

Kate Upton’s tits look like two 22lb hams falling out of a ripped grocery bag – Drunken Stepfather

BREAKING NEWS: Ryan Gosling goes grocery shopping and makes food for Eva MendesCelebitchy

Phaedra Parks’ prison piece trophy husband has to pay back the $1.9 million he stole from the banks. Either the feds are going to have to start pulling dollars out of the g-strings of the strippers Apollo visits or he’ll have to pucker up and get into gay porn – Reality Tea

Lindsay Lohan is a few more 8-balls and a couple of kegs away from growing a glorious GUNT – The Superficial

Ricky Martin helped Ian Thorpe with his big coming out and I’m taking that to mean that Ricky Martin helped Ian Thorpe come out of his chonies before mentoring him with his peen – Towleroad

I see that Christ Bearer’s LSD buzz still hasn’t worn off – WWTDD

If you live in Italy and are missing a priceless seahorse statue, I found it – Hollywood Tuna

Adele’s new album “25” will start making hos cry and feel emotion next year – Jezebel

I think I’d rather see Lea Michele’s hooker piece in those bikini bottoms instead – Popsugar

Why is Natalie Porman wearing my favorite 7-year-old summer break outfit? – Popoholic

In case you’re wondering why there’s a WANTED sign with Our Lady of Cheetos’ face on it at The Cheesecake Factory – ICYDK

This girl who’s high on novocaine and going on about white dick and Ryan Gosling sounds pretty much like me when I’m one hundred percent sober – The Berry

It truly is the renaissance of Weird Al! – Pajiba

Michael Vartan and that chick he stalked and married broke up – Just Jared

Joe ManJello teaches Conan O’Brien some stripper moves and wears way too many clothes while doing so – SOW

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So How Is Charlie Sheen Doing?

/ July 16, 2014

When you’re waiting in line at a Taco Bell drive-thru late at night, you pretty much expect to see a plastered, no-tooth-having, crackhead mess wandering around between cars. But in L.A., the drunken Taco Bell drive-thru trolls are famous! Case in point: A guy and his girlfriend were at a Taco Bell when in the distance they spotted a wild Charlie Sheen looking like cold Hell dragged through ten puddles of lukewarm shit and dumpster syrup. In other words, like his usual, beautiful self!

The guy and his girlfriend called Charlie over and when the grand pimp of #winning stumbled up to their window, he said the words he didn’t need to say since it’s already a given. Charlie said, “Sorry, I’m so fuckin’ hammered.” How Charlie hasn’t officially changed his name to “So F.N. Hammered” is beyond me? Charlie showed his fans the Charlie Brown tattoo on his tit and he also sanded the skin right off of their faces with his extra coarse sandpaper voice. THAT VOICE. Charlie Sheen’s porn star pieces don’t have to spend money on getting their coochies waxed, because he can pull their pubes out by the root just by grunting at their crotches. Charlie played with his fans for a little bit before some dude he was with named Gary (probably his sober coach and driver) told him to let ’em go.

Charlie Sheen is a dingle-covered asshole who put his own kids out on the street, but at least he didn’t drive while hammered or try to steal those people’s shit like some other messes we know (LINDSAY LOHAN and SHIA LABEOUF).

But you know, Charlie isn’t even the biggest mess in this video. Those people in the car are. Who admits on camera that they’re a fan of Charlie Sheen?

via Reddit

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“I Hereby Present…The New Pride Of England!”

/ July 15, 2014

Or maybe he’s saying, “Okay, gentlemen, the bidding starts at 4 Euros! ….Anyone? ANYONE?

Lindsay Lohan is officially England’s problem now, because over there she’s treated like the serious artist that she is and she can focus on her craft instead of losing her focus on all that partying shit she gets into in NYC and L.A. So here’s the serious artist not focusing on all that partying shit by partying with a third tier James Gandolfini impersonator at a party for the Ischia Film Festival in Italy last night. When LiLo says she’s changed for the five billionth time, she’s really changed! Speaking of changes, the mixture of delusion, Grey Goose, Adderall and the bad shit must give LiLo the ability to morph her face, because in some picture she looks pretty good and in other pictures (see: the picture above) she looks like Ron Perlman in lazy Megan Fox drag sucking on a lemon while holding in diarrhea.

TMZ also has a picture of LiLo with her mouth open, her eyes closed and her knees on the floor after falling. The jokes have already written and published themselves. But since LiLo is totally changed now, maybe it’s not what it looks like. Maybe the European air really is really bringing out her artistry and she suddenly felt the urge to drop to her knees and let out all her raw emotion by singing “I Dreamed A Dreamed” from Les Miserables. You know, that’s what true artists do. They spontaneously do art. Or maybe LiLo was just falling down drunk and is going to sue that carpet for tripping her. Yeah, probably the latter.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Yaya DaCosta As Whitney Houston

/ July 10, 2014

Entertainment Weekly (via Vulture) posted this publicity picture of Yaya DaCosta (that’s Miss Respeito to those of you who watched America’s Next Top Model and Mark Ruffalo’s hot hostess/fuck piece to those of you who watched The Kids Are All Right) as Whitney Houston in the Lifetime biopic that Angela Bassett is directing. Err….. Yaya is giving me less Nippy and more “the broken condom baby son of St. Vincent and Miss Jay in lazy Whitney Houston drag.” They should’ve put a pair of eyebrow wigs on her face, because her brow game isn’t bushy enough and she’s missing that twinkle in her eye that says, “This stuck doody bubble in my ass is getting on my last nerve.” But this picture did come from Lifetime, so it could’ve been a million times worse since they’re the ones who gave us a charbroiled twat kernel as Elizabeth Taylor.

For a comparison, here’s what Yaya is trying to serve:

opyayaaswhitney

Once Bobbi Kristina sees that dragtastic picture of Yaya, she’ll jump on Twitter to tweet: “I see Ms Ang Bassketcase isn’t the only chick with ExtraEequipment in that piece of shit movie that would’ve won all the OSACUHS and GRAMMEHS if it starred me!!!!!!!

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Night Crumbs

/ July 9, 2014

Panty Creamer of the Day: Vintage Richard Gere giving you luxurious Yanni hair, an overgrown crotch bush and a hint of peen – (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Because the world really wants an insufferable knock-off of GOOP by human yawn Blake NotSoLively, her lifestyle site is still happening and will make eyeballs roll on July 23rd – Lainey Gossip

“This is all going according to plan” said the producer of Speed-The-Plow Max BialystockThe Superficial

Christian Siriano tried to make it work with Melissa McCarthy and it did not work – Celebitchy

Droopy Dog Vicki from Real Housewives of Orange County is somebody’s grandma again and let us all pray for those child’s ears and nerves – Reality Tea

A judge in Colorado strikes down the ban on same-sex marriage: Rocky Mountain HIGH Weddings for everyone! – Towleroad

But why does Rita Ora look like Michael Jackson in a Marilyn wig? – Drunken Stepfather

Those eyebrows get Deva Serpa 10 elegance points, but flashing her twat at a cop gets her infinity elegance points – WWTDD

Dear Taylor Swift, I think Mad Men already finished shooting, so you can stop dressing like that, because they’re not going to cast you – Hollywood Tuna

Miranda Kerr walked to her car and somehow the world kept on spinning – Popoholic

The ESPN naked issue is here and NO to Michael Phelps’ tan line, but YES to Prince Fielder’s everything – Popsugar

Why Ja’mie King is the Socrates of our time – The Berry

Rob Reiner admitted he tried to get John Mayer to write a Princess Bride musical once. In other words, Rob Reiner smoked a whole lot of crack rocks once – Jezebel

In case you haven’t heard this six billion times, Miley Cyrus is leaving layers of yeasty tongue gunk on Mike Will-Made-It’s peen – ICYDK

HAHAHA, good one, Mad Mel, like you have a heart in your chest – HuffPo

David Letterman helps Joan Rivers milk her CNN stunt – SOW

Justin Theroux isn’t going full Kanye by screaming “RAPE!” over paparazzi attention – Just Jared

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