There are downsides to being a super duper rich and famous celebrity who countless people are obsessed with. Namely: people being so obsessed with you they break into your house to sniff your pillow and collect strands of hair. Enter: Taylor Swift, whose past with stalkers is so real that she had to use facial recognition software at a concert in an attempt to catch any wayward stalkers. Well she may want to get those facial recognizing cameras installed all up and around her block in New York City, because her stalker broke into her house again.
TMZ is reporting that R. Kelly‘s freedom was hella short lived. R. Kelly turned himself in to police at the end of February after being charged with 10 counts of aggravated sexual abuse, but was happily freed by a guardian angel who paid his bail a few days later and didn’t seem to care what the backlash would be for her. Well, R. Kelly might be needing that guardian angel money again, because he’s back in the slammer.
In 1980, a company called the Amural Products Company merged two very important things from the time: records and bubblegum. They created Chu-Bops, which sounds like a Chewbacca cover album of 80s dance songs (and now I really need a Chewbacca cover album of 80s dance songs), and they were pretty much just tiny records made out of bubble gum. Nobody got that shit for the gum since the gum was like bubblegum-flavored discs of actual vinyl (read: gross). They bought it for the extremely collectable LP sleeve that included lyrics! If you were the type of kid who collected Chu-Bops sleeves for your Barbie, then your Barbie was that dude from High Fidelity before that dude from High Fidelity even existed.
Hailey Clauson (24)
Bel Powley (27)
Abigail Hensel (29)
Brittany Hensel (29)
Brandon T. Jackson (35)
Laura Prepon (39)
Chrystee Pharris (43)
T.J. Thyne (44)
Jenna Fischer (45)
Dina Manzo (48)
Peter Sarsgaard (48)
Rachel Weisz (49)
Cameron Daddo (54)
Bret Easton Ellis (55)
E.L. James (56)
Donna Murphy (60)
Bryan Cranston (63)
Iris Chacón (69)
Michael Eisner (77)
Willard Scott (85)
John Heard (1946-2017)
Tammy Faye Messner (1942-2007)
On this supersized episode (48 minutes is a lot for us, okay?), we start with paying tribute to Katherine Helmond, Keith Flint, and Luke Perry. The entire episode should really have been about them, but instead of doing that we laugh at Forbes calling Kylie Jenner a “self-made billionaire,” heave over R. Kelly’s overacting theatrics during his interview with Gayle King, and roll our eyes at the shameless rent-free antics of Emily Ratajkowski’s millionaire husband. We also get into Taylor Swift’s “30 Things I Learned Before 30″ list, and Allison learns how us water wasters in California summoned Bloody Mary.
We end with RiRi taking on the hoe business, Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson touching tongues at a hockey game, and newfound bi icon Mister Rogers.
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International treasure Alex Trebek has announced awful, heart-ruining news: he has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Alex knows how grim a stage 4 pancreatic cancer prognosis can be, but he’s going to fight it as if it was Sean Connery, and is asking for good thoughts. He’s also going to keep hosting Jeopardy!. I’ll take “FUCK CANCER” for FUCKCANCERthousand, Alex. – Just Jared
Random is going to have to find a new couple to praise, because Andrew Garfield and Rita Ora are done, and one source says it’s because he was worried about her “life in the spotlight.” Lainey thinks that might mean Andrew believes Rita is a pap-calling fame whore. Sure, that works, but I take that to mean that it was physically difficult for him to be with her when she kept literally chasing a spotlight that never landed on her because it has no idea who she is. Even Spider-Man couldn’t keep up! – Lainey Gossip
There’s going to be a Hello Kitty movie, and if Mariah Carey isn’t choregrapher, producer, and costume designer of it the same way Paula Abdul WAS on the Bratz movie, then put it down before it even begins – Pajiba
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m into Hailey Baldwin’s look and only because it’s very conservative Matrix universe call girl/hit woman – Drunken Stepfather
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m into Halsey’s look and only because it’s very conservative Matrix universe lot lizard/hit woman – Popoholic