Jay Z And Beyonce Are Moving To Los Angeles Because Gwyneth Paltrow Told Them To

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m just going to assume that the reason Beyonce is serving up that court-side stank eye is because this picture was taken exactly 0.2 seconds after Jay Z suggested they move to Los Angeles because Gwyneth Paltrow told them to. “I’m sorry, but when did that bony know-it-all broomstick start making the decisions around here? There’s only one person who calls the shots, and it’s BEYONCE!…and maybe Blue Ivy Carter if I’m powered down for my weekly maintenance tune-up“.

So it sounds like Goopy can now add pushy real estate agent to her resume (right underneath pussy steaming expert). According to UsWeekly, Goopy won’t have to travel to NYC to desperately dry hump Beyonce and Jay Z for street credibility anymore, because she recently convinced them to move to Los Angeles. A source says:

“Beyonce and Jay Z are making L.A. their permanent home based a lot on the advice of their friends. The friend that really influenced them to move was Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth was telling Jay and Bey about the quality of life for her kids in L.A. and really swayed Beyonce and Jay to make the move. It’s all for Blue Ivy.”

Beyonce and Jay Z are currently living in a hotel in Beverly Hills and are searching for the perfect home, but they’ve already found a preschool for Blue Ivy. TMZ says her royal highness BIC has been enrolled in a toddler program at a fancy private school, the tuition of which is $15,080 a year. “Oh, that’s cute – so you’re sending her to public school then?” asked Goopy, as she wrote out a $138,000 check for the Gooplets private Latin lessons at the Vatican.

And I can’t wait to read all about the story Gwyneth writes for GOOP about helping them move-in. “After a long day of watching the movers carry each piece of hand-crafted imported furniture into their cozy little 67-bedroom cottage, I decided to treat my good friends Beyoncé Giselle and Shawn Carter to a much needed pizza and beer break. So I had my private jet whisk us off to my favorite brewery in Belgium…

Lance Armstrong Is A Gentleman And A Wonderful Boyfriend

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….

Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?

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Katy Perry Says Pop Stars Are Basically Just Soap Opera Characters

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

While looking like Olive Oyl’s so-edgy fashion school sister, aspiring teenage mallrat Katy Perry shocked absolutely no one by admitting to ELLE magazine that the world of pop music is basically a come-to-life soap opera where everyone is given a predetermined character to play. Unfortunately, it’s not an exciting soap opera like Passions or Metropia or Monsignor Martinez, but one of those boring soap operas where everyone just stands there smelling the fart while waiting for the wealthy oil tycoon to die so they can start fighting over who gets his mansion. And in this pop music soap opera (possible name: Backstabbers & Backing Tracks), Katy Perry knows what roles would be played by professional Rebecca Ann Leeman-type Taylor Swift and human period cramp Kanye West:

“You’ve got to name someone the villain, someone the princess, someone the mom-, the dad-type—you know there always have to be characters. As pop figures, we’re all characters. And the media uses that. Who is the sweetheart, who is the villain? You know. Taylor’s the sweetheart. Kanye’s the villain. That’s the narrative.”

Okay, so what does that make Katy Perry? The bad girl? The misunderstood hooker with the heart of gold? The evil gold-digging nurse who fakes her own death and comes back as her long-lost half-sister? The character who won’t stop dating the slimy douchebag? That’s it.

Sadly, Katy didn’t elaborate further on her dramatic long-running soap opera feud with Sweetheart St.TayTay (because she’s saving it for 3rd period gym class) but she did talk about the Susan Lucci of the pop world: BEYONCE!

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Happy Hump Day: The Magic Mike XXL Trailer Is Here

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:

Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:

BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE

And this is how product placement is done:

joemajellocummingpepsi

Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.

Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Wife Says He Shouldn’t Have Custody Of Their Daughter Because His House Is Full Of Guns

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

It was really only a matter of time before things started to get messy between Jeremy Renner and his 10-month wife and baby mama Sonni Pacheco. First he knocks up a random ex-girlfriend and marries her. Then she quits his ass 10 months later and claims the prenup she signed is bogus because it’s based on “fraud”. And now, Sonni is saying she should have full-time custody of their 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin because Jeremy’s house is one big gun-filled Rube Goldberg-style baby death trap.

According to TMZ, Sonni and Jeremy currently share joint custody of Ava, but Sonni has recently filed papers asking for primary custody, claiming that Jeremy’s house is filled with BABY DANGER. Sonni says Jeremy has a pool that isn’t fenced in, as well as a gun collection that includes one of the guns being out in the open behind a bar, like he’s Ben Gazzara in Road House or some shit. She also claims Jeremy made $3.5 million in 2014 and has $13 million in assets, and therefore she deserves a ton of child support, $75,000 in attorney’s fees, and $25,000 in other “legal expenses” (ie. repairing the handle on her shovel from digging too hard).

Sonni decided to take her child support drama to court, because she claims the first time she asked Jeremy for child support, Sonni says he told her to “Get a j.o.b“. RUDE! Being a full-time wallet humper is a job, Jeremy. But a source close to Jeremy (hi Kristoffer Winters!) says that Jeremy has totally been handing over child support ever since she quit their marriage, and that this is all just a ploy to snatch more cash from his wallet.

Oh boy. It sounds like Sonni is really going for the gold here and isn’t going to stop until she has a dump truck full of Hawkeye cash making beep-beep noises as it backs into her driveway on the 1st of every month. Meanwhile, Baby Ava is like “Trick, you better buy me another pool with some of that money.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Susy Diaz, the most talented and gorgeous goddess in Peru and beyond!

Up until yesterday afternoon, I had no idea who Susy Diaz is, because the American media has done me wrong and hasn’t introduced me to this graceful, elegant and camera shy Peruvian rose whose petals are filled with potent talent. Susy Diaz is a tabloid star and all-around master of all trades in Peru. She’s a singer, dancer, entertainer, burlesque star and one-time congresswoman who was ordered to pay a fine and was put on probation for taking a bribe (according to Wikipedia). Susy Diaz is everything. She has the looks of a young Brigitte Bardot, the dancing skills of Baryshnikov, the voice of a nightingale trained by Maria Callas and the charisma of Jesus. Susy Diaz looks like Xtina after getting a makeover from Big Ang. In other words, she’s stunning.

Yesterday, Susy Diaz FINALLY made her American morning show debut when she performed on Today with her back-up singers, a little known group called First Do No Harm or Fifty Harmony or something like that. Since Susy Diaz redefines graciousness and is modest about her talents, she let her backing group perform in front of her while she danced behind them on the other side of the window. Susy Diaz wanted the lessers to get some shine in the spotlight for once. I know, she’s a legendary chanteuse, a politician AND a saint. At the 1:55 mark in the video below, watch Susy Diaz nearly break the glass with her raw talent:

FYI: That police officer was later stripped of his badge and charged with obstructing talent.

Susy is apparently in NYC to shoot a reality show. FINALLY, this country is getting some real talent. Susy Diaz is the legendary goddess this country needs, but doesn’t deserve. All hail Susy!

Now we know who the reincarnation of Venus on a Half Shell is.

via MuuMuse

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Birthday Sluts

February 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Natalie Imbruglia (40)
Facebook (11)
Carly Patterson (27)
Bug Hall (30)
Jeff Dye (32)
Kimberly Wyatt (33)
Gavin DeGraw (38)
Cam’ron (39)
Oscar De La Hoya (42)
Rob Corddry (44)
Gabrielle Anwar (45)
Clint Black (53)
Alice Cooper (67)
Dan Quayle (68)
George A. Romero (75)
Jerry Adler (86)

Pic: Instagram

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Let’s Check In On Randy And Evi Quaid…..

February 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Judging by that screen shot, they’re doing….. well….

The last time I wrote about Randy Quaid and his wife/partner in pure fuckery Evi Quaid, Canada had declared that they weren’t going to ship these two two back to the US to face charges for the vandalism they did while squatting in their former Santa Barbara house. Randy and Evi ran off to Canada because they didn’t want to face charges and also because they claimed some group of celebrity assassins called the Star Whackers were after them. Well, since then and now, Randy has grown out his luscious beard into a giant cotton ball cloud, he’s thrown a lawsuit at John Kerry and he’s still spitting out conspiracy theories.

In a new video that was splattered onto the Internet today, Canada’s very own (he belongs to you now, Canada) ranted against former Warner Bros executive Bruce Berman, the New York Post and Rupert Murdoch. While looking like a Duck Dynasty Santa Claus, Randy said he has made Warner Bros over 1 billion dollars and they thanked him by having him and Evi falsely arrested by TMZ (???) six times. Randy also accuses Bruce Berman of stealing his house. As for the New York Post, Randy slapped at them for smearing his good name and said that Rupert Murdoch has fucked him over and over again. Meanwhile, Evi sat in the background wearing a bikini and sunglasses.

This is probably the fever dream that David Lynch has after falling asleep while watching Christmas Vacation.

It doesn’t end there, Evi gets up, puts a picture of Rupert Murdoch over her face, bends over and Randy Quaid spits nature’s lube in his hand before dry humping her butt. If you really need that image seared onto your brain, here you go:

Three things:

1. That spit into the hand was a nice touch.

2. Is that dog barking for help or… Why am I even putting an “or.” Of course that dog is barking for help.

3. Dennis, Buddy, Brandy, any of the Quaids? For where art thou? Come and get your brother.

via Uproxx

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Night Crumbs

February 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s the poster for Magic Mike XXL that declares that Channing Tatum’s dick is coming on July 1st. I’m into it, but why does he looks like he’s starring in a porn parody about the Crips? -Popsugar

And at that dinner I wonder if Goopy Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and that other one told Nicole Richie that it’s time to change her hair color because it’s making her look like a drowned troll doll – Lainey Gossip

Another day, another person but Bruce Jenner is talking about him transitioning – Celebitchy

Where is Rita Repulsa and her alien goons when you need them? – WWTDD

Suge Knight had a panic attack in jail because he’s hardcore gangsta like that – The Superficial

The stunning silicone dragon figurine that is Camille Grammer shows everyone that she can still fit into the clothes she bought at Judy’s in the 90s – Reality Tea

If I squeezed my chest together that much I’d probably have cleavage like Wonky McValtrex too – Drunken Stepfather

Totally straight politician type Aaron Schock did his office up like Downton Abbey and he tried it but it looks more like a bordello waiting room designed by LiberaceTowleroad

BREAKING: Sofia Vergara wore snake print leggings again – Hollywood Tuna

I’m actually typing the words “Lindsay Lohan looks good here” – Popoholic

Um, Malaysia had a point… – The Berry

Sorry to pop your queef bubble of joy if you were happy about Tatiana Maslany getting the female lead in that Star Wars movie, but she didn’t get it. Felicity Jones probably got it instead – Pajiba

Something in the milk might not be clean about To Kill A Mockingbird 2: Electric Boogaloo - Jezebel

Forget your THE GRONK CAN READ????” jokes and get into him reading G-rated fanfiction erotica – SOW

Bobbi Kristina Brown and Nick Gordon aren’t married, so says Bobby BJust Jared

Kylie Jenner’s transformation into a Rita Ora Bratz doll is about 90% complete – HuffPo

And here’s William Levy’s half moon – OMG Blog

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