Yesterday, I wrote about the disturbing and ugly news that the early-morning paradise for drunks that is IHOP is changing their name to IHOb, which sounds like a bowel condition that gives you the runs (fitting). IHOb isn’t announcing what the “b” stands for until Monday, but I hoped it was just a shameless stunt to promote some new b-named breakfast food and that IHOP wouldn’t turn their backs on pancakes. But now some people who claim they work for IHOP are spilling it. They say the “b” doesn’t stand for “breakfast,” it stands for “burgers.” I just… Trump became president, and now IHOP is ALLEGEDLY shitting on their
bread pancakes and butter and getting themselves a new whore and using cheap tactics to sell it? What happened to America?! Actually, that is very American.
It’s kinda funny how much of a quantum leap we took from the savage early aughts to the snoozy, PR-ed teens? aught-teens? What the hell do we even call this decade? Whatever. These days, breakups are filled with “always respect” and celeb friends never come out and say they fucking hate each other’s guts (hai, Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss!). But back in the roaring 00’s, there was “fire crotch”, the split of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, and people weren’t shy to say who they were humping on and how many V cards they had cashed in. Wilmer Valderrama once went on Howard Stern’s show in 2006 to say he took Mandy Moore’s virginity, but during an interview with Howard this week, she denied it. Continue reading
I’m afraid to say the new Spider-Girl movie looks a little dark. I know Marvel’s been touching on some heavier themes lately, but this is one superhero movie that looks like it’s no fun at all! At least Infinity War had some comic relief to break up the *spoiler alert* Greenday “Time Of Our Lives” crumble into dust montage ending *end spoiler*. In Marvel’s latest, The Girl In The Spider’s Web: Spider-Girl’s Revenge, Claire Foy takes over the role of Spider-Girl Lisbeth Salander, who was played by Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Spider-Girl Gone Wild.
Here’s the trailer for TGITSW:
I kid, of course. Marvel would never allow that haircut to taint its celluloid legacy. At least Claire opted to get an actual haircut for this role instead of going with a discount wig from Party City like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint. I never knew there was an agreed upon revenge porn hair style before!
I’ve never actually read any of the Stieg Larsson Millennium Series novels nor have I seen any of the movies because they are confusing. The Girl In The Spider’s Web is based on the 4th book in that series, but is actually the 5th movie to be made. First there was a Swedish production of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo starring actual Swede Noomi Rapace, plus two follow ups The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, also with Noomi. Then because Americans are too dumb to read good, they made an English language version of TGWTDT starring American actress Rooney Mara whose name is very similar to Noomi but is a totally different person. And Rooney has a sister, Kate Mara who is also an actress and I always get confused and think Noomi is Kate’s sister instead of Rooney. There are just too many damn girls doing too many destructive acts to keep up!
If Mariah Carey re-wrote the lyrics to Dionne Warwick’s song “That’s What Friends Are For,” her version would include this lyric:
And as far as I’m concerned
You should consider getting a new agent if they pitch you that trash American Idol
Mariah was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to promote her new Las Vegas residency, The Butterfly Returns and was asked by Jimmy if it was true that she told her friend and current American Idol judge Lionel Richie to not do the show when he was offered it. Mariah had an awful time on Idol, fought with fellow judge Nicki Minaj, and said she’d never do it again. Mariah answered:
“If I didn’t, I should have.”
Mariah quickly apologized before pretending she had no idea that Lionel was a judge on American Idol, asking “Is it going well for him?“. Only Lionel can answer that question. But one thing is for sure: any future contestants hoping to audition with Mariah’s “Hero” will automatically be given a lyrics sheet to “If You Had My Love” by Jennifer Lopez.
Pic: ABC via YouTube
Despite walking around looking like a festively scarfed cadaver, Johnny Depp is doing just fine. A source tells Us Weekly that he’s lost weight on purpose. He’s on the Johnny D diet (it’s the one where you replace all calories with cigarettes) to stay in fighting shape for his band Hollywood Vampires’ rigorous touring schedule. So yes, he is thinner but he’s perfectly healthy, thanks for asking.
The general public have only really been given one formal portrait of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s almost one-year-old twins Rumi and Sir, which means the Beyhive was no doubt hungry for a new one. Thirsty fans were finally rewarded yesterday during Bey and Jay’s first stop on their On The Run II Tour in Cardiff, England. Projected on a giant screen about three minutes into an intro video were the images of Beyoncé and Jay-Z both holding a set of year-old twins. The implication was that the audience was looking at the latest pics of Rumi and Sir. As it turns out, the twins were decoys.