The guy behind him’s eyes are saying “I know, I’ll go grab a dictionary.”
It looks like Drake might regret not waiting the reccomneded 24-hour cooling down period before tweeting his angry emoshuns regarding Rolling Stone and their take-back of his cover yesterday, because today he’s written a remorseful I Sowwy letter and published it to his website. In it, he apologizes for the shitty tweet about the late Philip Seymour Hoffman (which has since been deleted because, deep-down, Wheely Jim is a good guy) and says he supports Rolling Stone’s decision to put PSH on the cover, but clarified just why he was so gal-darned steamed (the Canadian equivalent of pissed off) in the first place:
“The circumstances at hand are completely justifiable (on the magazines behalf), but I was not able to salvage my story or my photos and that was devastating. They ran the issue without giving me a choice to be in it or not. I would have waited until it was my time because I understand the magnitude of the cover they chose but I just wasn’t given that option and that made me feel violated.”
Bitch, you need to check your definition of violated. Did Rolling Stone make you feel not right in you no-no-zone? Did a frumpy lady in a greige pantsuit ask you to show her on the doll where Rolling Stone touched you? I didn’t think so. Come back to me after you’ve watched Coco’s crying scene from Fame and we’ll see if ‘violated’ was the word you were looking for.
He also closes his letter by apologizing for acting like a bratty spoiled child (“You called?” – Justin Bieber) and bitching out Rolling Stone like a melodramatic diva. But I get you, Drake; I’d probably lose my shit on Twitter too if I was in the same situation. I’ve never been interviewed for a magazine, but I’ve been interviewed for a job, and if I showed up for my first day at work at said job and saw someone else sitting at my desk, there’s a good chance I’d barely be out of the building before tweeting: ”@Allison: Thank u assholes at Telemeritech, looks like I put on real pants for NOTHING.”
Matt and Al hopped in a tub to get soupy
Age and hot water making things droopy
They did a “wet sanchez”
Then hid under branches
While Al pushed out a big poopy – drewbai
In Soviet Russia, kale steams you. – Bobel_The_Staggering_Drunk
The Make Out Practice Pillow, the perfect pillow for the Forever Aloners who are sick of their cats scratching their face skin off and running away every time they try to give them a VD kiss.
Cats everywhere are purring out sighs of relief, because tonight their nostrils won’t get attacked with a sad cloud that reeks of Russell Stover cherry cordials, that Sofia Coppola canned sparkling wine and potent woe when the Forever Aloner in their life tries to kiss them on the cat lips after binge watching Nicholas Sparks movies while social media stalking all their exes (switch out the cat for a snoring chihuahua and Nicholas Sparks movies for a Shannon Tweed marathon and I think I just explained my entire night). Cats are off the hook now that the Make Out Practice Pillow is here!
Florida designer Emily Grace King writes on her site that she got the idea for the Make Out Practice Pillow when she remembered practicing kissing stuff on her pillow in junior high school. Emily writes that everybody did that in junior high. Um, type for yourself Emily. Some of us sluts were more advanced in junior high school and went straight to humping our pillows in the bathroom because it was the only room in the house with a door that locked. Anyway, so Emily decided to make a Make Out pillow for grownups using mouths from CPR dummies. The final product is like something you’d find in The Jennifer Aniston Collection for Bed, Bath and Beyond Help. It’s like a Real Doll for the Etsy set.
Emily knows they’re creepy and knows they look like something a young Buffalo Bill would make in home ec class, but she’s okay with that.
I have to admit that when I mentioned this idea to my friends, the reaction from anyone over the age of 25 tended to be variations on “that’s really creepy,” and anyone under the age of 25 thought it was hilarious and awesome (middle-school to college-age seemed to be the sweet spot of people who really liked the idea). I thought it was pretty hilarious myself until I actually made the things. They are super creepy. But I sort of love them for that
The Make Out Practice Pillow is actually perfectly designed. There’s no eyes to judge you while you make out with a goddamn nightmare pillow with lips. And whenever you’re done doing whatever it is you need to do with that pillow (and we know what hos are really going to do to that pillow) you can wipe your saliva, lonely tears or other body fluids on the fabric. It’s a Real Doll and cum rag in one! And if you get stoned enough, it’ll probably slip you the tongue back.
Happy Valentimes, everyone!
Florence Henderson (80)
Freddie Highmore (22)
Havana Brown (29)
Erin Topey (33)
Danai Gurira (36)
Rie Rasmussen (36)
Rob Thomas (42)
Simon Pegg (44)
Jules Asner (46)
Meg Tilly (54)
Renee Fleming (55)
James Eckhouse (59)
Pat O’Brien (66)
Alan Parker (70)
Michael Bloomberg (72)
Phyllis McGuire (83)
Hugh Downs (93)
Not pictured: Pimp Mama Kris celebrating on the sidelines by doing the Running Man while humming the melody to “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.”
Kendall Jenner has only been 18 for 3 quick minutes but we’ve, sadly and unfortunately, have already spent time with her nipples twice. Bruce Jenner gave a manicured and glossy thumbs up last November when his daughters gave everyone a barely legal nip show in a magazine. And tonight at the Marc Jacobs show in NYC, Kendall’s chest knobs gave an encore performance while she was done up like a moon-face era Posh Beckham meets an alien on meth. It was a nice touch making her brows almost the same color as the stream of Ray-J’s piss that made her sister and her entire family STAHS!
While Kendall was walking faster than a hooker whore who’s got the fuzz on her but is trying to keep it cool, Marc Jacobs was backstage counting all the piles of money that Pimp Mama Kris gave him to put her future main ho in his show. I bet that before the show, everyone backstage got shades of the ice cube scene from Showgirls when PMK told Kendall to pinch ‘em to make ‘em perky. A truly touching mother/daughter moment.
But seriously, that STUNT QUEEN Marc Jacobs chose the wrong Jenner. Marc should’ve cast Bruce Jenner instead. Bruce’s hair pretty much already looks like that and his titties would’ve sat up real nice in that top.
And after some people screamed about this on Twitter, Kujo Kardashian barked this out:
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) February 14, 2014
Basic bitches NOT wanted
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) February 14, 2014
Oops I keep forgetting I’m supposed to be on my “don’t sweat the small stuff” ish…. But I just can’t pass up a good rant #SorryNotSorry
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) February 14, 2014
Oh, lord, call Animal Control, she’s gone mad and is foaming out delusions again.
“Duh” – that outfit.
I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:
“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”
Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:
Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”
That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.
I laughed at The Lego Movie blooper reel and I’m not even close to stoned. Send help. Immediately. – SOW
I see Minka Kelly’s publicist is trying hard to give their client her money’s worth – Lainey Gossip
And after Jennifer Aniston’s birthday dinner with her friends, she kept Skypeing Justin Theroux over and over again to show him the Duncan Hines birthday cake that her Cabbage Patch Dolls “baked” for her, but he never picked up. – Celebitchy
If you were sucking on Sean Penn’s charred Vienna sausage peen, you’d cover your face in public too – Drunken Stepfather
The opener for the new season of The Not-At-All Real Desperate And Tragic Messes of New York City is a hilarious and dumb wreck – Jezebel
Well if the boat sinks, they can all grab onto JLo’s ass and use it as a flotation device – The Superficial
Berlin’s new song made my dog wake up from his 199th nap of the day and leave the room, but Terri Nunn looks hot – Towleroad
I am really impressed that this chimpanzee and raccoon hybrid can hold a bottle while signing its name at the same time – Reality Tea
Either Selena Gomez got a pumpkin jizz facial or she hasn’t washed her face in a few days – Hollywood Tuna
Someone needs to Photoshop a peen in Jared Leto’s mouth, please – HuffPo
When Jenny McCarthy continues to come off as the voice of reason on The View, it’s time to lock the studio doors and release the tigers on all of them – Pajiba
Katherine Webb SANS FARDS – IDLYITW
Taylor Swift and her Karlie Kloss hair at LAX – Popoholic
Lupita Nyong’o and Naomi Watts try their hardest to not look at the madam of the Death Eaters in the eye, because they know that if they do their souls will turn to dust after she calls them both fat – Popsugar
If the money goes to strapping Katherine Heeeeeeeeeeigl to a rocket headed for space, then she can have $1 from me – ICYDK
That teetering plate of greens on Drew Barrymore’s table is making me nervous - The Berry
Um, excuse you, Cindy Lou Ho, but Micaela Schäfer, did it first and better – Just Jared
Nicki Minaj should’ve said “niggaz” just one more time, because I don’t think she said it enough – Popbytes
Here’s Kelly Brook’s current piece David McIntosh from the now-canceled UK version of American Gladiators leaving a gym with her in West Hollywood yesterday. I didn’t need to tell you that David and his anaconda-swallowing-a-fully-grown-goat thighs were leaving a gym, because when he’s not leaving a gym, he’s going into a gym. After they left the gym, he went to Venice to work out and then he probably went back to West Hollywood to work out some more. You don’t look like “The Rock after swallowing Vin Diesel whole” by not working out every second of the day. To answer my headline question, DUH. One of my first crushes was one of those M.U.S.C.L.E. action figure things, so I’d hit it until the bulging biceps on his dick shaft split me in two.
And after staring at what’s in his extra-tight shorty shorts, I’m off to find a plate of bangers and mash to make out with.
That sound that sounds like metal scraping against stone is Cleopatra rolling in her tomb somewhere…….
Because Katy Perry wanted to summon a dozen blog posts about how she’s culturally appropriating an ancient cultural that doesn’t exist anymore, she raided the employee costume locker at Caesar’s Palace and did herself up like KatyPatra for her video for Dark Whores. The only thing I have to say about “KatyPatra” is this:
That’s “I CAN’T” in hieroglyphics in case you aren’t fluent.
Below is the trailer (I know, I know) for that Dark Whores video and in it she wears every white pop star’s current must-have accessory: a grill. I don’t know about that grill. On one hand, it’s offensive, shameless, disturbing and gross, because it looks like she just ate a family of Sweet Secrets and doesn’t regret a thing. But on the other hand, I kind of approve of it, because it also looks like she just tossed Richard Simmons’ salad before he wiped.
An entire nation is crying, “NYEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEEt,” today after the blond-tipped Russian Adrien Brody announced that he is pulling himself out of the men’s figuring skating competition at the Sochi Olympics and retiring from competing. 31-year-old Evgeni Plushenko won’t hang another Olympic medal next to his 2 golds, 1 silver and 1 platinum. USA Today says that Plushy was one of the favorites going in, but he busted his already busted back during practice yesterday and decided now is a good time take his final bow on the Olympic ice. During today’s men’s competition, Plushy skated out when it was his turn and waved goodbye at everyone. The Sex Bomb has officially detonated. He later said this:
“Today in the morning, I can’t jump … but I said to myself, ‘Evgeni, you must skate. You must. You need two more days, the short and the long program.’ And I came on the warm-up and … I felt it, like knife in the back.
I think it’s God saying, ‘Evgeni, enough. Enough to skate. You did a lot of figure skating,’”
Well, that little tickle I get in my nipple plate area from watching Plushy skate around in a modern day Madge suit is God saying, “Ugh, you’re such an easy slut,” and it’s also God saying that Plushy should never stop skating around in muscle suit. So I hope Plushy hasn’t retired from pulling his modest Russian rose of a wife around the ice on a banquet hall chair while wearing a suit molded out of Chyna’s torso. I also hope this doesn’t drop his wife’s status from “top three in Russian woman” to “top four in Russian woman,” because I will never forgive him if that happened.