I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.
So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.
On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.
Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.”
Pic: Conrad Hilton
I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this post. I’m sure that by the time I hit the publish button, Karkoochie Tran will be spinning on Chris Brown’s anteater nose dick once again. Thank you to the dude laughing in the car for perfectly expressing my thoughts about this.
We’ve seen the words “Karreuche Tran breaks up with Chris Brown again” more than we’ve seen the words “Chris Brown fucked up again” and that’s saying a lot. For the 4,567,910th time (I’m underestimating) in her life, Karmachameleon Tran says that she’s washing her hands clean of Chris Brown’s bullshit and will never go back to him. We’ve heard that all before and we’ll hear it again. Karreuche isn’t leaving Chris Brown, because she finally woke up from the dickmatized haze she was in and realized she’s been dating Chris Brown for years. She’s leaving him, because she can’t deal with him putting a baby into a uterus that doesn’t belong to her. She’s not her for the baby drama. Oh, but she was there for the douche drama? Okay. The full-time Instagram model is probably just mad that this baby’s child support might fuck with her weekly allowance. Karreuche announced her 10,000th break up from The Difficult Brown in this tweet:
Listen. One can only take so much. The best of luck to Chris and his family. No baby drama for me.
— Karrueche Tran (@karrueche) March 4, 2015
Karreuche needs to either rid herself of The Difficult Brown once and for all or she needs to step up her gold digging game by following the 4 Gs: Get married, get a baby, get paid and get out. We all know that in a few months, the paps will take pictures of her babysitting Chris Brown’s kid at Chuck E. Cheese while he’s off bareback boning another trick.
The Baller Alert also says that there’s a chance the kid is not Chris Brown’s daughter. A guy on Instagram claims that he was told the 9-month-old girl is his and he’s been raising her. They obviously need to go to Maury to handle this. If Chris Brown is not the father, I must see that 9-month-old girl get on her feet and do the “Not The Father” dance of joy after finding out she’s not related to The Difficult Brown.
And here’s some pictures that TMZ found of Chris Brown’s maybe baby mother giving you “the spawn of Garfield and Nicole Richie” in her “modeling” pictures.
Pics: Wenn.com, Model Mayhem
When Little Britain’s David Walliams and Justin Bieber’s one-time babysitter Lara Stone added to the definition of random back in 2010 by marrying each other, Michael K made a joke that if she didn’t do something about her SANS EYEBROWS wedding day situation, she’d be using a Sharpie to sign divorce papers. Well, 5 years later she did do something about her eyebrows, but it looks like the curse of the janky eyebrows was just too strong, because the Telegraph says that after 5 years of marriage, 43-year-old David and 31-year-old Lara are calling it quits.
So far their split is pretty Lifetime-y; Lara reportedly moved out of their house last night and took their 1-year-old son Alfred and their dog Bert with her. Nooo! Not Bert! This is turning into some Not Without My Dog-er nonsense. So far they’ve classified their current situation as a “trial separation”. No word on what broke them up, so until we find out the details, I’m sticking with eyebrow curse.
Although maybe shit started to go south in their marriage shortly after Lara shot that CK training pants campaign and David realized he just couldn’t compete with such a notoriously sexy super stud like Justin Bieber. Yeah, that’s definitely it.
Look out the address again, I can’t tell which house is the Swansons’! – Strepsi
Paul McCartney remembered the last time he saw a leg and thigh so cold, he was married to Heather Mills. – FeckArse
Anna Allen, the Spanish actress who got caught lying about going to the Oscars and faking pictures with Photoshop. And just like that, Phoebe Price has signed up for a Photoshop course at the Learning Annex.
Anna Allen has a few TV and theater credits in Spain, but she’s finally getting the worldwide fame (not really) she deserves after the Spanish media and people on social media exposed the shameless Photoshop stunts she pulled on her 22,000 Instagram followers. Anna bragged about being invited to the Oscars, going to the Oscars and shooting an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But after graphic artist experts (aka anybody with eyes) examined the pictures, it was discovered that Anna copy + pasted her face over the face of others and Photoshopped her entire body in front of the Oscars backdrop. Bitch is where crazy and shameless meet.
The Daily Mail says that Anna Instagrammed a picture of “her” Oscar invitation, but the picture was just a re-post of Lupita Nyong’o's invitation and she cropped the name out. Anna also told a Spanish newspaper that she met Neil Patrick Harris and talked to him for a long time. Anna Allen is that 6th grade classmate of mine who told everyone that her family went to the Virgin Islands with Brian Austin Green’s family and she hung out with him all summer long. The lie-teller got caught when another classmate asked her, “Um, didn’t I see you having dinner with your family at the Olive Garden during summer break, bitch?”
Anna Allen’s stream of lies runs 10 miles long. She also got caught trying to pass off pictures from Sophia Bush’s Instagram account as her own and she pasted herself into a promo picture of the BBC mini-series Emma to make it look like she starred in it with Johnny Lee Miller. Here’s the picture of a Photoshopped Anna posing with the cast of TBBT. She pasted her face over Summer Glau’s face. It must have taken experts dozens of hours to prove that this picture is a fake, because the work is so impeccable and I’m sure Mariah Carey has already begged Anna to be lead artist of her in-house Photoshop team.
After Anna was called out, she deleted all of her social media accounts. It was too late. She became a meme and people made fun of her by pasting her face over Leonardo DiCaprio’s face in a still from that “I’m flying” scene in Titanic and by Photoshopping her into Ellen’s selfie pic from last year’s Oscars.
Anna not only faked going to the 2015 Oscars, she faked going to the 2014 Oscars too. She Instgrammed this picture which is supposed to be her at the 2014 Oscars, but it’s actually a picture of Kasia Smutniak at the 2013 Rome Film Festival.
That dress may look like it’s black and gold, but it’s actually white and gold. Don’t trust anything Anna Allen shows you. Brian Williams, who?! Anna Allen is the real mastermind fibber of our time! She deserves a real Oscar for this.
Ivy Queen (43)
Brooklyn Beckham (16)
Bobbi Kristina Brown (22)
Andrea Bowen (25)
Erin Heatherton (26)
Josh Bowman (27)
Whitney Port (30)
K. Michelle (31)
Landon Donovan (33)
Len Wiseman (42)
Chaz Bono (46)
Patsy Kensit (47)
Evan Dando (48)
Sam Taylor-Wood (48)
Steven Weber (54)
Mykelti Williamson (55)
Patricia Heaton (57)
Catherine O’Hara (61)
Adrian Zmed (61)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (62)
Ronn Moss (63)
Carroll Baker (66)
James Ellroy (67)
Paula Prentiss (77)
So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?
TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.
Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.”
Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.
Lainey has a blind item about some newish Hollywood mom who snorted a few lines of the Lohan powder in front of strangers. This could really be all of them and I’m not exaggerating this time. I’m surprised all new moms and dads aren’t snorting huge, fat lines of the bad shit out in the open at all times, because that is a natural reaction to trying to deal with a screaming baby - Lainey Gossip
This has to be the most boring royal fight ever and I’m sure they’ll settle it with a game of backgammon while sipping decaf Earl Grey tea – Celebitchy
I fully expect to see Brit Brit’s escapee weave on eBay and I’m sure Daddy Spears will be the seller – Drunken Stepfather
Andy Cohen promises a bombshell on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and my guess is that Giggy Vanderpump will reveal that he’s actually a cat – Reality Tea
“HA!” said the Hammaconda who eats average-sized dicks as an amuse-bouche before dinner (and yes, I’m considering fapping to the image of Jon Hamm’s dick eating dicks) – Jezebel
Russell Tovey tries to clarify his “I’m glad I’m not a flaming flamer from FlameVille” comment – Towleroad
AnnaLynne McCord or a middle-aged Nevada socialite on her way to audition for The Real Housewives of Reno? – Popoholic
Spencer Pratt’s existence is driving Anna Kendrick to suicidal thoughts – Pajiba
Um, I don’t see a picture of Richard Simmons – The Berry
I see that Khlozilla has been using the in-house Photoshop team – The Superficial
Kelly Brook’s pap pictures aren’t the same without that big bag of muscles wobbling behind her in shorty shorts – Hollywood Tuna
#THEDRESS was on Ellen, because of course it was – Just Jared
Madge totally fucked that sock afterward and I hope it’s her new boy toy – Boy Culture
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Edward Snowden: This is what that looks like – IDLYITW
I bet Barney totally wants to sex on that purple vagina on Bjork’s chest – OMG Blog
BREAKING: Justin Timberlake actually posted a picture of his wife’s face on Instagram – Popsugar
Hilary Duff looks really happy and excited to be pooting out a fart on the cover of Cosmo – ICYDK
Bart the Zombie Cat’s reign as Hot Slut of the Month has come to an end and it’s time for him to pass the tattered and busted crown on to someone else so that he can get back to doing better things like destroying humanity for burying him alive.
Just like last month, the 3 Hot Slut of the Days who got the most Facebook likes will compete along with a finalist of my choice . Here’s the 4 HSOTM finalists:
Susy Diaz – The gorgeous Peruvian blossom who’s an all-around talent and stole the show when she dance bombed Fifth Harmony’s performance on the Today.
The “Don’t Give A Fuck” Pussy - The fluffy white rebel who lives to hear us humans beg for mercy!
Velvet – The TV pilot from 1984 that was a Charlie’s Angels knock-off starring Shari Belafonte and other superstars.
Edy Williams - The former shameless red carpet queen of the Oscars who paved the way for Phoebe Price and Bai Ling.
It isn’t hard to guess which one is my pick. It’s Edy Williams who didn’t get nearly as many as FB likes as the others and I’m guessing that’s because so many are jealous of her beauty, glamour, modesty, grace and style. That’s okay. I’m sure Edy is used to it.
Voting is below and the winner will be announced on Monday, March 9th. It’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made since last month when you voted for January’s HSOTM. Happy voting!
Courtenay Semel’s impact lives on!
In 2008, Courtenay Semel, the daughter of some Yahoo! exec and Tila Tequila’s one-time scissor sister, mouth queefed up the phrase of the year when she shouted, “Google me, you dumb fuck,” at a bouncer she got into a fight with at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Well, it’s been 7 years later and entitled spoiled assholes are still using her beautiful words of poetry.
Page Six says that 19-year-old Kyra Kennedy, the daughter of Robert Kennedy Jr., went full bitch outside of club Lava at the Turning Stone Resort Casino in Verona, New York on Thursday night when the bouncer refused to let her ass in. Some witness says that Kyra was already ten layers of drunk when she showed up. The club is 21 and over, so Kyra came prepared. She brought her sister Kathleen “Kick” Kennedy’s passport with her and tried to pass it off as her own. The bouncer wasn’t buying it and that’s when the laughs and fuckery ensued.