Ben Affleck Says That Jennifer Takes Care Of The “Lion’s Share” Of The Responsibilities In Their Life
On Wednesday night, Jennifer Garner hosted something called the Save the Children Illumination Gala (not to be confused with the Children of the Illuminati Gala, which is hosted every year by Blue Ivy Carter, or “Save that Child!“, the words you shout every time you see a picture of Kim Kardashian holding North West) and one of the awards they handed out was to her husband Ben Affleck. But before Jen presented her husband with an award on stage, Page Six says Ben presented his wife with some thank yous for taking care of all the boring shit at home while he fucks off and plays Batman:
The 42-year-old actor says he’s grateful that his wife takes on the “lion’s share” of responsibilities, dedicating her time to raising their three young children, while maintaining her career and charity work.
“She’s been really smart about choosing her projects, doing ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ or ‘Alexander and the Terrible Day,’ smart, good movies that luckily have been successful. And then, they’re not so time-consuming that she can’t do this work and be there for our kids, which is the most important thing to her.”
Then he added (he totally didn’t): “I really can’t thank her enough for taking care of the kids, because Daddy likes to do a lot of stuff that isn’t exactly kid-friendly, if you catch my drift. I can only imagine that the only thing casinos like less than finding out you’ve been counting cards is discovering that you’ve snuck in a couple of minors so you could play a couple quick hands of blackjack.”
And all that talk about “lion’s share” of the work just made me picture Jennifer Garner dragging an antelope by her teeth through the backyard while a meerkat and a warthog sing a catchy song about taking it easy.
Here’s more of Ben and Jen looking like two uncomfortable teenagers getting their picture taken before the prom at the Save the Children Gala last night:
Jlo and Iggy Azalea are going to perform their moist butt burp of a song “Booty” at the American Music Awards on Sunday night. When those two get together to perform a song called “Booty,” you should expect them to rub nalgas so hard that the plastic in Iggy’s ass will get hot and combust. ABC doesn’t want that to happen. They told Iggy and JLo the same thing that Kelly Preston tells John Travolta and his Scientology protege when she leaves them alone in a room together: Keep your b-holes away from each other!
TMZ says that ABC executives have thrown a list of ass “don’ts” at the two. They can’t rub asses and they can’t show their ass cracks. ABC has a serious fear of the butt. ABC is about as scared as Kim Kardashian’s anus bleacher when they separate her cheeks with a crowbar as they’re about to go in. The show will be on a 3-4 second delay and executives have made it clear that they will censor any butt action they think is too much for the innocent, pristine eyes of the public. ABC is okay with them spanking each other, though ABC also didn’t say anything about Iggy and JLo rimming each other or doing each other with a strap-on, so that stuff is probably okay too.
The American Music Awards is full of gaping assholes, so it’s funny that ABC is against a little butt action.
ABC is stupid. What’s the point of getting JLo and Iggy to perform a song called “Booty” if you’re not going to let them serve equal parts elegance and desperation by butt fucking each other with an invisible double-sided dildo? If JLo insists on singing live, ABC should let them do whatever they want with their butts. Because the sound of the pearl clutchers from the Parents Television Council screaming in terror at the sight of all that ass rubbing will drown out the sound of JLo’s hyena warble. What am I saying? The PTC isn’t going to watch the AMAs. They’ll be too busy fapping in the bedroom closet to that Sons of Anarchy sex montage as their little kids watch Hostel in the rec room.
On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.
TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!
So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:
That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”
Today just keeps getting worse. First the Duchess of Alba gets called up to Heaven to join the rest of the angels, and now the man who gave us Working Girl AND The Birdcage is gone. Today is a three butter tart kind of day.
ABC News has confirmed that legendary director and EGOT winner Mike Nichols passed away suddenly on Wednesday night from cardiac arrest at the age of 83. Mike Nichols (born Mikhail Igor Peschkowsky) arrived in New York City after fleeing from Nazi Germany when he was 7 years old, and started to get really into theatre, which eventually led him to meeting his future comedy partner Elaine May. Nichols and May release three comedy albums, one of which won them a Grammy Award. Then he went on to direct a bunch of plays, including Barefoot in the Park and The Odd Couple, which both won him Tony Awards.
After killing it at comedy and killing it at theatre, Mike Nichols was like “Well, time to go kill it in Hollywood“, and started making all the best movies to watch when you’re hungover on a Saturday afternoon: Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Graduate, The Birdcage, Working Girl, Silkwood, Postcards from the Edge. Then I guess Mike Nichols got tired of looking at all his Oscars and Tonys and decided he wanted an Emmy, so he went to HBO and made Wit and Angels in America. And now I’m sure he’s up in Heaven setting up a camera crew and clearing space on his cloud mantle for the first of his many Angies (the award they give out in Heaven).
Mike Nichols leaves behind three children, four grandchildren, and his wife of 26 years Diane Sawyer.
Rest in peace, Mike Nichols. You gave me Agador Spartacus, and for that I will be forever thankful.
Every floret on every dandelion in every part of the world has shriveled, died and fallen to the ground, much like the pieces of my heart that still felt things. One of my favorite royals, if not my favorite royal (sorry, Prince Hot Ginge), the Duchess of Alba, has salsa danced up to Heaven and is now holding court as the Queen of the Angels. She was 88.
Throw a black lace veil over the sun, because the Duchess of Alba died in Sevilla this morning after suffering through pneumonia. I know that when an 88-year-old person gets pneumonia, it’s a bad, bad thing. But when her doctors told the media on Monday that she was doing better and recovering, I really thought she was going to make it out of the hospital and go on to outlive her current husband, her next husband and the husband after that. I thought she was going to outlive us all! Juan Ignacio Zoido, the Mayor of Sevilla, told the press this morning that the Duchess of Alba died at her palace.
The Duchess of Alba is survived by her husband Alfonso Diez, her six children, her nine grandchildren and her three great-grandchildren.
I’ve been reading all of her obits this morning and I already knew that she’s in the Guinness Book of Records for being the world’s most titled person and could buy us all with her fortune and didn’t have to kneel in front of the pope and had a full name that was almost as big as her spirit. But I didn’t know that she turned down being Picasso’s muse. She also caused ESCANDALONESS in 1978 when she married a defrocked Jesuit priest. And as everyone knows, she caused ESCANDALONESS again in 2011 when she married her current husband, 64-year-old civil servant Alfonso Diez, even though all of her children and King Juan Carlos didn’t co-sign the marriage. She gave up her billions to marry him. She divided her fortune between her kids to shut their mouths up. She was a Don’t Give A Fuck vanguard and a true rebel royal.
I know shit about American politics, so I sure as hell know less than shit about UK politics. But if I was a citizen of Scotland, I would’ve voted YES YES YES and made everyone else vote YES YES YES to divorcing the UK. Because if Scotland succeeded from the UK, the Duchess of Alba might have become the Queen of Scotland. She would’ve been the greatest queen ever and would’ve spread her give no fucks philosophy to her people.
Rest in peace, María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay. You made me happy. You will be forever missed.
This golden retriever from Finland who knows the right way to run an obedience course!
At the 0:50 mark in the video below, a golden retriever shows us and the other dogs how a dumb obedience course is really done. If you ask me, the dogs who ran the course the way the humans think it should be ran are doing it wrong and have lost. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would you run by those bowls of food and those toys? The day my chihuahua runs by a bowl full of food without stopping to gobble it all up is the day I know that something is terribly, terribly wrong with his ass and I need to rush him to the doggy ER immediately.
This golden retriever gets it. Screw the commands from humans and screw that competition. Get that food in your belly as fast as possible and play with all the toys. You can’t eat a stupid title, so get that food! All those other dogs lost and the golden retriever clearly won every gold medal in the Common Sense Olympics. Doggy life is too short to not nom nom and play play.
That dog my hero. Doggy doesn’t care what Referee Putin thinks. Doggy’s going to get fed.
Sean Young (55)
Cody Linley (25)
Ashley Fink (28)
Jared Followill (28)
Dan Byrd (29)
Jeremy Jordan (30)
Kimberley Walsh (33)
Nadine Velazquez (36)
Josh Turner (37)
Dominique Dawes (38)
Dierks Bentley (39)
Davey Havok (39)
Joel McHale (43)
Callie Thorne (45)
Mike D (49)
Sen Dog of Cypress Hill (49)
Bo Derek (58)
Mark Gastineau (58)
Joe Walsh (67)
Joe Biden (72)
Norman Greenbaum (72)
Dick Smothers (76)
Estelle Parsons (87)
Kaye Ballard (89)
In case you forgot that ScarJo has a twin, ScarJo posed with her twin at a Hurricane Sandy benefit in NYC. They’re obviously not identical twins, because he doesn’t have her chichis – Lainey Gossip
Belleoftheball Custardsack kind of gets off on being a sex symbol – Celebitchy
Apollo Whateverhislastnameis is from Real Housewives of Atlanta doesn’t want to divorce Phaedra Parks, because he doesn’t want to let go of their love and by love I mean a paycheck – Reality Tea
The balls on Keke Palmer’s barbell nipple piercings are staring at me like raccoon eyes in the night – Drunken Stepfather
Some Miss Bum Bum finalist recreates Kummy Kakes’ Paper cover and shows us her next level tan line game while doing so – The Superficial
I see that dude staring at Ariana Grande Latte’s chochaccino – Egotastic!
Panty Creamer of the Day: Jesse Metcalfe and his chest rug – Towleroad
Duchess Kate’s bump royale is really showing now and that’s great and everything but what in the hell is she wearing? – Popsugar
Amy Adams and Tim Burton made pretty pictures together – Pajiba
I’ve seen Miley Cyrus’ chipmunk camel toe more times than I’d like and I still find myself searching for her chipmunk camel toe in these pictures – Popoholic
Panty Creamer of the Day, Part II: Random And Not-So-Random Blondies Edition – The Berry
Tyga should try taking Kylie Jenner to Chuck E. Cheese. I’m sure they’ll have no problem getting in there – WWTDD
Don Lemon’s apology is about as shitty as the shitty question he’s apologizing for – Jezebel
Ryan Gosling is too artsy for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive title – ICYDK
FYI: Nick Jonas fucked his purity ring off – Just Jared
TVLand pulled The Cosby Show, so there goes Keshia Knight Pulliam’s residuals – HuffPo
Tallulah Willis went full GI Jane – SOW
Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest is hungover and will be back tomorrow.
If you peeked into the teepee in Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s backyard, you’d find Donald Sutherland smoking peyote and mind waxing about the solar plexus with Jaden and Willow. He’s obviously on the same shit as them.
At the premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 in L.A. on Monday night, Donald Sutherland slobbered out an ocean of praise for Jennifer Lawrence to E!’s Marc Malkin. According to Donald Sutherland, Jennifer Lawrence is the special messiah we all need and centuries from now, our children’s children’s children’s children will celebrate her birthday by farting out carols and watching her greatest work House at the End of the Street. Donald dribbled out this verbal craziness:
“When I worked with her, I realized the child was a genius. She’s the right person at the right time in the sense of Joan of Arc or Jesus Christ, any genius, in that sense.
She has the ability as an actor to tell the truth out of the material and that truth is immediately recognizable with everybody because it hits you in your heart, your solar plexus and your mind. And she has the genius of person to be not affected by all of this. She’s just a real girl.”
At first I thought he was joking, but does Donald Sutherland even joke? Jesus Chris, I mean Jennifer Lawrence, he laid it on thick. We get it, Donald Sutherland, we get it. You just saw her pictures from The Fappening.
Or maybe that’s not the scent of romance and passion. Maybe that’s the scent of the vomit that’s coming up Princess Charlene’s throat while kissing Prince Albert in front of photographers. I get the two scents mixed up.
Even though Princess Charlene of Monaco is about 8 months pregnant with an heir and a spare, she’s still got a job to do and has got to make the people think that she and her husband Pierced Peen are dripping with love for each other. Today is National Day in Monaco and Princess Charlene and Pierced Peen celebrated by giving their subjects a heave-worthy kiss show on the balcony of the Palais Princier de Monaco.
Such romance. Such passion. Such genuine love. It almost looks as though Princess Charlene isn’t imagining kissing sweet, sweet freedom and Prince Albert isn’t imagining kissing a delicious cronut. But seriously, Charlene and Albert should’ve flown Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to Monaco to teach them how to bring on the jizz-inducing tingles in a staged kissing photo. Because that picture looks like a bird pecking at a cold clam.
On a positive note, Princess Charlene usually looks like me at the DMV: done with life. But she looks kind of happy here. Pregnancy endorphins are a helluva drug.