Jeremy Meeks, the sexy California criminal who crashed Meet-an-Inmate.com (I’m assuming) and single-handedly resurrected the lost art of hand-written prison pen-pal correspondence when his mug shot was released to the horny hoes of the internet this week, has decided that once his felonious ass has been sprung from the big house, he’s going to sashay-shante over to his parole officer and inform him he got a full-time job as a professional Zoolander. According to TMZ, several modelling agencies are interested in Jeremy. Blaze Models (which definitely doesn’t sound like a company who advertises in the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist) tells TMZ that “gangster models” are so hot right now, and if they booked Jeremy a job with Versace or Armani, he could make up to $30,000 a month.
The only thing stopping Jeremy from serving up that FACE-BODY-FACE outside of a mug shot is the fact that his bail is set at $900,000, and so far his mama has only hustled $5,180 in online donations. People were literally foaming at the no-nos a week ago and bursting into spontaneous orgasms just by imagining dry-humping on Jeremy’s stick-poke teardrop tattoo, but horny bitches are a fickle bunch, and we’ve all lost interest. Probably because all it took was a cold shower to realize that Jeremy Meeks actually looks like a busted Riff Raff.
Jeremy will be modelling Jazzy Scooters by the time he’s released from prison, but that delusional dreamboat has requested that he be allowed to ditch his shackles and trade his prison-issued jumpsuit for some custom-fitted civilian clothing, so he can look like a hot model when he goes to court. Cellblock bitch PLEASE! A real model would turn out that orange jumpsuit like it was some Marc Jacobs Haute Correctional Facility Couture. Werk it hunty! Sell that itchy standard issue polyester!
During Wednesday night’s show in Miami for their “On The Run From Kim and Kanye” Tour, Her Majesty Beyoncé and smooth camel Jay-Z came for human diaper rash Justin Bieber by projecting his Barbizon-approved mug shot. Shocking, I know; Beyoncé ACTUALLY allowed a giant picture of someone else’s face to be shown. Maybe they ran out of super-secret wedding footage?
The picture of Canada’s swaggy preteen gerbil was shown during a performance of “Izzo” along with a collection of various celebrity mugshots, like Robert Downey Jr. and Bill Gates. However, those shady bitches timed it so that Justin Bieber’s birth announcement photo would appear at the part of the song where Jay-Z says “So poof, vamoose son of a bitch.” That high school drama queen even holds out his mic so that the audience can shout the lyrics along with him. It all goes down at the 0:57 mark.
According to the Mirror, after Beyoncé finished charging her batteries back stage, she came out and proved she’s still one of the greatest living professional trolls out there by saying of Bieber’s mugshot: “Even the greatest can fail.” Oh Stuntyoncé, you subtle robot you. Of course, Justin Bieber will probably find a douchey shitty baby way to respond to Jay-Z and Yawncé, but first he needs to fully wake up from his nap.
I always thought Wookiees were terrified of water, but Khloe Kardashian proved me wrong by renting out a party boat and celebrating her 30th birthday party cruising around the Hudson River in New York. All of Lucifer’s best hoes were in attendance: Pimp Mama Kris, the slow one, the other slow one, the slow one who can’t read. But the Botoxed belle of the ball was the always elegant and demure narcoleptic porn star and Playboy model Kim Kardashian.
Earlier in the day, Kim was seen sashaying around town looking like a busted $2 dildo, but she knew that simply stuffing her XXXL rubber ass into an XXS tube dress wouldn’t be enough to steal the spotlight from Khloezilla. So she changed into a tacky little number from the Fredrick’s of Hollywood ”Budget Brothel Madam” collection and made an eye-catching entrance with her over-inflated saline water balloons hanging out. Truly a dignified woman of refined taste and class.
Kim wouldn’t be Kim unless she was fucking something up (or just “fucking something”, really). Everyone was responsible for bringing an item to the party, and Kim’s job was to bring enough floatation devices in the event God heard our prayers and capsized the boat. Of course, Kim forgot she had to do anything but show up looking like a vacant piece of wax fruit, so her doctor only injected her with enough expandable foam to keep her buoyant in the event of an emergency. Thankfully, the birthday girl brought enough floatation devices for the whole family:
Here’s more of Kim looking like a slutty peacock (“Pee cock? Where?!? Mom, get the camera and a release form!” – Kim) and the rest of Pimp Mama Kris’s krotch ghouls arriving at Khloezilla’s 30th birthday party on Friday night, including some very touching pictures of Khloe and her current Shrek-looking famewhore piece French Montana. You know, for a mouth-breather who always looks like they’re two seconds away from barfing, Kim seemed very comfortable getting on that boat; probably because, just like boats, she also knows what it’s like to be filled with seamen.
Ben and Elizabeth Neufeld, the memaw and pepaw who took a picture together after Elizabeth’s car hit the curb and flipped.
File under: Oldies are still fresh out of fucks to give. When oldies get into a car crash and their car flips on its side and they’re not hurt, they don’t scream for the police, the fire department, the army, the Avengers, the FBI and the jaws of life. They chill out and strike a pose for the camera. Ben Neufeld tells NBC Los Angeles (via HuffPo) that he was hanging out in his house in Bel Air, CA when he heard what sounded like garbage cans getting moved around and then he noticed all of his neighbors gathering on the street. So Ben went outside and he found his wife’s car flipped on its side and she was in there, chilling like, “What?” 85-year-old Elizabeth was “cool as a cucumber” and just sitting there, talking with the neighbors about how badass she is.
Elizabeth wasn’t feeling any pain, she didn’t look injured and so she and Ben had a little casual chat (probably talking about if it’s a Matlock or Last of the Summer Wine kind of night) through the door before the firemen arrived and got her out of there. Before the firefighters got her out, she passed her phone to one of the neighbors and asked them to take a picture of her and her husband for the cover of AARP’s annual Don’t Give No Fucks issue. The car was towed away, they both shrugged and then they had dinner. Ben says that his wife wasn’t even driving that fast when her car hit the curb and flipped. The curb was just high enough to tip the car over, or something. Hmmm, that makes sense (not really), but I wonder if his wife Elizabeth Knievel was trying to parallel park in Portland recently? Naw, obviously she wasn’t. Elizabeth doesn’t play around. If she wants to park, she just drives into the curb, flips over and then chills there until the firefighters get her out so she can go and have dinner.
I love them. Elizabeth could’ve died and instead of freaking out, she turns it into a “Phoebe Price giving glamour in front of a car crash” photo shoot. I am fully getting into Elizabeth’s sunglasses and Ben’s pants that are hiked up so high that they could almost pass for a tube top jumpsuit. Just when the tweens think they stole the “taking happy pictures during awkward moments” game, the oldies come and snatch the title from them.
Kathy Bates (66)
Lacey Schwimmer (26)
Kellie Pickler (28)
Tamara Ecclestone (30)
Rob Dyrdek (40)
Alessandro Nivola (42)
Elon Musk (43)
Aileen Quinn (43)
Steve Burton (44)
Mike White (44)
Tichina Arnold (45)
Gil Bellows (47)
John Cusack (48)
Mary Stuart Masterson (48)
Jessica Hecht (49)
Bruce Davison (68)
Mel Brooks (88)
Prince Hot Ginge scares a toddler in Chile with his overexcited herp derp face. While she’s “aahhhhhhh-ing” on the inside, because she thinks he’s going to eat her, I’m “awwww-ing” on the inside - Just Jared
Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Teri Garr go for a lovely photo-op stroll and he seems really happy about it. And I know her name isn’t Teri Garr, but that’s what my fingers want to type, so I’m just going to go with it – Lainey Gossip
Maria Menounos modeled a bikini in Bora Bora for some reason – Drunken Stepfather
Self-hating closet queen Sir Alec Guinness (RIP) begged Sir Ian McKellen not to talk about dirty homosexual stuff in public. Okay, but what I want to know is, did they do it and who was on top? – Towleroad
The words “Senator George Clooney” makes George Clooney’s ears cum – Celebitchy
And now for Russell Brand’s thoughts on Fox News (SPOILER ALERT: He thinks they’re the Al-Qaeda of news) – The Superficial
Because there’s not enough trash on reality TV – Reality Tea
Kim Kartrashian looks like an overstuffed, old tamale, but what else is new, really? – Hollywood Tuna
Methinks Naya Rivera and Lea Michele are having a skinny bitch-off and so far Naya is in the lead – Popoholic
Daddy Spears might be calling the temp fiancé agency to order a new one, because Normal Guy Dave is probably out – ICYDK
The paps took pictures of Melanie Griffith at a laser tattoo removal place. We get it, Melanie! We get it! You’re totally over Antonio Banderas and you’re totally not spending your nights crying Botox tears into a bowl of cake batter while stroking his name on your arm – WWTDD
Here’s a buffet of man nipples for your Friday night – The Berry
Matt Lauer asks GM’s CEO if she can be a good CEO AND a good mom and I wish she would’ve asked him if he can be a shitty journalist AND a shitty husband and father, but we all know the answer to that, so what’s the point of asking? – Pajiba
And yet Amy’s Baking Company still haunts Scottsdale – HuffPo
Here’s half of Cody from Big Brother 16′s ass – OMG Blog
Olivia Palmero from The City might be married – Popsugar
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas
Grown-up Chuckie Finster Ed Sheeran (aka the guy from that music video starring a puppet version of Adam Levine) confirmed everyone’s suspicion that he’s about as non-threatening as you’d expect one of Taylor Swift’s best friends would be when he told Parade Magazine (via E!) about the first and only time he trashed a hotel room. Cue up your Neil deGrasse Tyson memes now:
The “Give Me Love” singer recalls a “wicked” night in L.A. following a Grammys afterparty this year when he and his friends piled the contents of his hotel room into his bathtub.
“I felt so bad and said, ‘Oh, someone’s going to have to clean this up.’ So I literally de-trashed my room and put it back to normal. If I trash a hotel room, will anyone like me more? You’re not going to have kids going, ‘Oh, that’s really cool and edgy.’ You’re probably going to get a ticked-off maid and that’s about it.”
I’d be more worried about dealing with a ticked-off (“ticked-off”, by the way) Taylor Swift. I can’t even imagine the heck he’d pay if Princess Butterscotch Sundae found out he’d – GASP – flipped over the mattress ! She’d call Ed a “bad influence” and revoke his invitation to her weekly strawberry social, write a song called “Trouble – Pt. 2″ about a no-good troublemaking rebel ginger named “Ted”, and film a music video that’s just her cross-stitching sad Drake lyrics over a picture of the redheaded Keebler elf.
Amy Adams was about to get on a flight from Detroit, where she’s filming that Batman vs. Superman mess, to LAX yesterday when she noticed a US solider at the gate, and being the nice, genuine, gold-hearted daughter of a military man that she is, she asked to have their seats switched. Amy was in first class and the soldier was in coach. And now everyone’s going to start carrying a solider uniform in their carry-on bag just in case Amy Adams is on their flight and they want to experience the free champagne, warm cookies, complimentary anal massage and all the other luxuries of first class. ESPN2′s Jemele Hill told ABC News that Amy didn’t make a big show of it and she talked to the soldier for a little bit before taking herself to the smushed sardines section of the plane. Jemele said this to ABC News:
“I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams’ seat. She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she’d given up her seat for him. I was incredibly impressed, and I’m not even sure if the soldier knew who gave him that seat. I guess he will now! Ms. Adams did it so quietly and quickly that it speaks to her character. And somebody in coach just got a helluva seatmate!”
Doesn’t Amy know that it’s June and NOT January? Harvey Weinstein is going to call her up and scream new holes into her ears for this fuck-up. Amy’s out there doing good deeds and her Oscar-bait movie isn’t even close to being out yet. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. Once Amy is officially nominated for that Big Eyes movie, then she can give her first class seat to a US soldier and then the media will magically hear about it, find him and he’ll do the interview circuit where he’ll say that Amy is the kindest, most greatest American who ever lived. Then that soldier will be Amy’s date to the Oscars and when she wins, she’ll bring him onstage and the moment will make viral history. That’s how Harvey Weinstein saw it happening in his head and now Amy has ruined it. “You better save a toddler from a burning building, but do it in JANUARY” is what Harvey’s going to scream at Amy. Jennifer Lawrence would never!
How DARE they take back the crown from someone who can execute such flawless Celine Dion arms?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! On June 14th, 24-year-old Amanda Longacre was crowned Miss Delaware, but she wasn’t destined to dela-wear the crown (I’ll show myself out for that one) for very long. According to the NY Daily News, Amanda went from crying beautiful shimmering tears of a winner to hideous ugly saline discharge of a loser when the birthday-hating bitches at Miss America discovered that she’s too old to compete in the 2014 Miss America pageant.
According to pageant rules, women must be between the ages of 17 and 24 at the time of competition. Amanda is 24 now, but she turns 25 in October. Amanda (she really seems more like a Mandy to me, but whatever) knew shit might get shady with the judging committee, so she checked to make sure she wasn’t going to get disqualified for being a Sanka-drinking oldie. Once she was given the thumbs-up, she joined the rest of the girls to practice their group dance routine to “Conga”.
Unfortunately, no one at the Miss Delaware pageant thought to pick up the phone and double-check with their malevolent overlord Miss America. The shot-callers at Miss America took one look at Amanda’s birth certificate and told her to trade in her crown for a Hoveround and an AARP membership, because she was TOO OLD to strut her stuff in a swimsuit and pumps. Amanda says that along with being disqualified from Miss America, they’ve also made her give back the 9,000 scholarship, and gave the crown to her younger runner-up, Brittany Lewis.
I know beauty pageants are all sorts of shady, but damn if something in the teeth-Vaseline doesn’t seem clean. Everybody in Delaware told Amanda she was a-ok to wave and smile and sing Melissa Manchester and wish for World Peace, and now the second she got the crown, Miss America hisses that she’s too old? RUDE! Like that old geezer should talk; Miss America was born in 1921! Bitch is just jealous nobody wants to see her wrinkly 93-year-old ass sashay down the runway in a swimsuit and pumps!
Pic: The Cape Gazette