Either Russell Crowe is telling the truth and he’s a useless shit for not recording those golden nuggets to later gift the world with or bitch did a lot of LSD.
The bearded Kiwi walrus did an interview with The Guardian to promote his directorial debut The Water Diviner and while talking to them about stuff, he told them that Michael Jackson used to prank call him for years. Russell Crowe punching the air while screaming “Crikey, he got me again!” after MJ crank called him is something I thought only existed in a fever dream.
“For two or three fucking years,” he says. “I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. ‘Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.’ You’re supposed to grow out of doing that, right?”
How did Michael Jackson find out what hotel Russell Crowe was staying at? (Possible answer: Detective La Toya can track down anyone!) If Russell was so annoyed by Michael Jackson’s prank calling, why didn’t he just check in with a different fake name? (Possible answer: Because Russell Crowe is in dim in the brains and was outsmarted by MJ over and over again!) How did Russell Crowe know it was Michael Jackson? (Possible answer: Because he’d always hear a bunch of giggling boys in the background.) Well, I guess when you’re Michael Jackson and the Jesus Juice is flowing during a slumber party at Neverland, you have fun by prank calling Russell Crowe. I can’t wait to hear other random stories about how MJ toilet papered Jean-Claude Van Damme’s house and poured Rice Krispies all over Anne Archer’s front lawn.
And this explains why Russell Crowe threw that hotel desk phone.
Here’s Russell with Olga Kurylenko at a photo call for The Water Diviner in Madrid the other day.
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.
“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”
That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:
“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”
Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:
“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”
I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Because we live in a time where every cringeworthy moment of our lives will live on forever thanks to the internet (example: that SANS FARDS picture of Katy Perry, a video of myself deep-throating a Choco Taco that won’t disappear no matter how hard I pray), it was only a matter of time before someone found something dirty on the new host of The Daily Show Trevor Noah. The New York Times says that shortly after he was named Jon Stewart’s successor yesterday, people who had no idea who Trevor Noah was decided to get a better idea of the new Daily Show host by reading some of his stuff on Twitter. Unfortunately, some of his tweets were not met with LOLs, and now people are pissed.
Most of them are from when he first started tweeting back in 2009, so of course they’re as regrettable as you can expect from a not-yet-famous person would be:
Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.
A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!
Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”
Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.
He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.
Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Scientology’s hilarious “We Stand Tall” music video.
Because I was busy scooting my sloppy ass across the East Coast this weekend, I didn’t get to see HBO’s crazy and creepy Scientology documentary Going Clear until last night. What’s crazy to me is that a multi-million dollar cult was born from some sci-fi pulp fiction books. I mean, if a multi-million dollar cult was born from Jackie Collins’ Lucky Santangelo series, that would make sense to me, because those books are actually hot. Shit, I’d probably be in that cult. I’d probably be the Spanky Taylor of Santangelology. What’s also crazy to me is that Radio Shack declared bankruptcy. Scientology probably spends millions upon millions on buying wires to make their stupid E-Meter cans with and to tap people’s phones, so you’d think that as long as they lived, Radio Shack would live.
A piece of Going Clear was spent on Scientology trying to get out of paying taxes and their long, shady fight with the IRS. In the late 70s, the FBI seized tons of documents from Scientology and the IRS later determined that the Cult of L. Ro owed $1 billion in taxes and they refused to give them church status. Scientology fought back by ordering thousands of their members to sue the IRS for not giving them church status. Thanks to their grifting and bullying ways, the IRS agreed to wave away the billion dollar bill and agreed to give them church status if their members dropped the lawsuits. I’m surprised Scientology hasn’t opened up an accounting firm where they terrorize the IRS until the IRS agrees to wave their clients’ tax bill. Everyone would go to them! H&R Block, who?
To celebrate making the IRS their bottom bitch, Scientology shat up a music video in 1990 that was like a “We Are The World” from the deep depths of Hell. The video shows some of the high-ranking bridge queens singing some shitty song in between shots of their brainwashed members smiling. Hmmmm, I wonder why they didn’t include footage of some their members getting beaten while doing hard labor?
Come for the bizarre creepiness, stay for the 90s fashions:
I bet Tommy Girl hums that song every time he slips on his favorite pair of big boy heels. Fun Fact: When that midget overlord David Miscavige stands tall, he’s about as tall as you when you slouch while on your knees.
Angus Young (60)
Jessica Szohr (30)
Jack Antonoff (31)
Ashleigh Ball (32)
Melissa Ordway (32)
Josh Saviano (39)
Ewan McGregor (44)
Samantha Brown (45)
Tony Cox (57)
Al Gore (67)
Rhea Perlman (67)
Valerie Curtin (70)
Gabe Kaplan (70)
Christopher Walken (72)
Richard Chamberlain (81)
Shirley Jones (81)
William Daniels (88)
If you took a Janice the Muppet doll, filled it up with helium until it almost popped, dipped it in orange wax and glued a marzipan peen where it’s nose is supposed to be, it would kind of look like Big Ang as a blond – Reality Tea
Suri Cruise brought her Chanel purse to the Kids’ Choice Awards, because it was a casual event full of filthy peasants, so she left her custom-made canary-diamond encrusted clutch at home – Lainey Gossip
Bikinis: Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen are in them – Egotastic!
And soon after releasing that statement, Cookie Lyon brought the broom out and went abuelita on her son’s ass for lying about getting racially profiled by the cops in Glendale – Celebitchy
The Spectre teaser trailer is here and I can’t with whoever was in charge of putting that shit together, because they should’ve known that the world is a shitty place and what we really need is some shots of a topless Daniel Craig – Towleroad
Brett Ratner was caught making out with some other chick who isn’t Mimi and if he’s really doing Mimi then now we know there are two humans on earth who want to touch tongues with Brett Ratner – WWTDD
Yolanda Foster’s other daughter who isn’t named Gigi Hadid got a job doing modeling stuff in a magazine too – Drunken Stepfather
JLo giving you “the Hamburglar smuggling two dozen cheeseburgers in the back of his pants” glamour – Popoholic
Don’t wear these around Mama June or she’ll bite your tit and crotch off – OMG Blog
“What would Shane from The L Word wear?” is what Kristen Stewart and her partner in pussy say every day before picking their outfits – Popsugar
“See, Bill Cosby gets it!” said every pedophile Catholic priest – The Superficial
Iggy Azalea looked like a late 90s hair salon assistant manager at the iHeartRadio Awards – IDLYITW
FYI: Here’s Zendaya’s “when you’ve got to work extra hard to squeeze that fart out” face – Hollywood Tuna
Deadline’s non-sorry for that THINK OF THE WHITE ACTORS shit they wrote is worse than the damn article – Jezebel
Justin Timberlake remembered Jessica Biel’s first name when thanking her at the iHeartRadio Awards. You know it took him a minute – HuffPo
Scott Disick just took a little booze-filled vacation from rehab, okay? – ICYDK
Gross Harvey Weinstein accused of being illegally gross (read: groping a woman) – Just Jared
Hunky actor Kit Harington (aka Ned Stark’s hunky bastard son Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) recently confessed to News.com.au (via Page Six) that he’s not here for the horny bitches drooling over his hot bod or swooning over his sexy beady little eyes. But he’s especially not here for anyone who refers to him as a “hunk” (Dr. Steve Brule just got very sad):
“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it’s in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty it can be quite offensive. Well, it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well.
I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that. In this position you get asked a lot, ‘Do you like being a heart-throb? Do you like being a hunk?’ Well, my answer is, ‘That’s not what I got into it for.’”
Part of me thinks Jon Snow doth protest too much, because are that many people busting their nuts over the low-budget Orlando Bloom? I just checked to see if KitHunkington.com or JonSnowMoreLikeJonBlowMe.org were things that existed, and they are not. But if he feels gross every time someone gives him the perv stare or calls him a hunk, there’s an easy way to divert attention away from his hunkiness: start carrying around a cardboard cutout of someone hunkier. Like notorious vintage hunk William Petersen from Manhunter, for example. Human eyes can’t focus on other hunks if they’re glued to the sexy purple short shorts of Detective Will Graham!