Chet Haze (government name: Chester Hanks), trust fund son of America’s original sweetheart Tom Hanks and lover of the N-word, is finally getting himself some for real street cred and now whenever you see him, you can say, “Oh shit, we got a badass over here,” and not in an ironic way. The Daily Mirror (aka The second most reliable literary journal of truth in Britain. The Daily Mail being the first. Duh!) claims that the humanization of Vanilla Ice’s butt plug is wanted by the police in Britain for allegedly fucking up an airport hotel room in a drunken rage after some chicks refused to do him. Can’t no one tell Chet Haze he can’t break a hotel room mirror like the true gangsta he is.
FurReal Friends My Bouncin’ Kitty, the demonic pussy toy that should come complete with a gallon of holy water and a priest who specializes in stuffed animal exorcisms.
This is why you should never trust a stuffed robotic pussy who wears 50 cent swap meet fake eyelashes and way too much clumpy mascara and liquid eyeliner. My Bouncin’ Kitty (not to be confused with her sister My Twerkin’ Pussy) is a toy that looks all sweet and nice on the outside, but when you pet her, she coos and meows, and her coos and meows quickly turn into some Regan from The Exorcist shit. If you could play her dark-sided meows backwards, you’d probably hear her clearly say, “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”
Pull out your rosary, grab your crucifix and get ready to say, “I rebuke thee in the name of HAY-SOOS!”
Demon Pussy Toy has reminded me of two things: 1) True evil lives on toy shelves and; 2) I must have looked a mess while whipping my head around whenever that goddamn “Whip My Hair” song played at the bar.
My Bouncin’ Kitty has been around for a while, so of course, she’s been remixed.
via Buzzfeed (For Rachel)
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On Friday, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon made an appearance at Walmart’s annual shareholders meeting in Fayetteville, AR, because a check truly is a check. NO! I’m sure she did it because there’s literally nothing more patriotic for an AMERICAN CITIZEN than getting invited to a Walmart shareholders meeting. I was hoping Reese was there to introduce a new line of Walmart garden mix called American Soil™, but she was actually there to teach a Walmart employee the Bend and Snap from Legally Blonde. Reese pulled the Bend and Snap out of retirement and she gave it a bit of a 5-minute facelift; instead of the Bend and Snap, she made it the Bend and Snap and Stock. So now Walmart employees can throw a casual lil’ flirt your way while they fill an endcap full of Pop-Tarts and diapers.
And Reese wasn’t the only celebrity at the Walmart shareholders meeting on Friday. According to UsWeekly, Carol Burnett, Rod Stewart, Brian McKnight, Drew Barrymore, and Mariah Carey were also there. That’s a lot of talent, but really – they could have saved themselves some rollback pennies by cutting everyone and replacing them with Walmart’s unofficial princess, Britney Spears. She could have been the warm-up, the host, the musical performance, the mid-meeting comedy act, AND she would have done it all for a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Thunder and the trampoline attached to the outside wall of the store.
“What is this thing? Is it food? Is it a toy? Why am I holding it? Is this what a baby corgi is? It’s not going to take my crown, is it? I’ve got my eye on you, soft baby corgi thing.”
Earlier today, Prince William and Duchess Kate released the first official portrait of five-week-old Baby Princess Charlotte. Thanks to the fourteen billion cameras waiting outside the Lindo Wing on the day she was born, we already sort of knew what she looked like. Well, now we know what she looks like when she’s awake and being snuggled on by her big brother Toddler Prince George. All together now: “AWWWWWWWWWWW.”
Shortly after Kensington Palace tweeted the first shot of BPC and TPG, they tweeted that the pictures were taken by Duchess Kate in mid-May, so that means Baby Princess Charlotte is still a pretty new baby. But she’s already very adorable, and that has me all kinds of jealous. Not too long ago, I was looking at baby pictures of myself, and I looked like a cooked cocktail shrimp until I hit the 3-month mark. BPC is lucky – she’ll never look back at her baby pictures and think “Why do I look like I’m about to be dipped in some zesty ketchup sauce?”
Kensington Palace also released a couple extra pics of BPC and TPG being adorable with each other, which is very generous of them, but there’s a crucial element of cute missing. Where’s Lupo the doggie?!? These pictures of BPC and TPG are nothing without Lupo trying to give his tiny humans slobbery doggie kisses.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”
Even though most of our brains were like “One of these is enough, really“, Megyn Kelly’s second interview with the Duggar family happened last night. We already knew that Josh Duggar’s sisters Jill and Jessa Duggar have forgiven him for molesting them when he was a teenager, and now we have the rest of what Jill and Jessa Duggar have to say about this whole situation. And while it wasn’t nearly as gross as the first, thanks in part to there being no surprise appearance by the family’s patriarch and puppet master Jim Bob Duggar, it was still pretty depressing. You know things are bleak when you find yourself saying “Well, the good news is, at least we don’t have to stare at Jim Bob Duggar’s creepy Bill Dauterive-looking ass for 29 minutes.”
Megyn Kelly (who sort of looked like she was styled by Carmela Soprano) spent 29 minutes talking to Jill and Jessa, aka letting them recite the answers that were given to them about how what Josh did to them is not that bad, and forgiveness, and he was just a kid, and that yeah, they’re victims, but not like victim victims.
If it was possible, today’s HSOTD would be the old lady at jury duty yesterday who said, “I’m no good before noon, honey,” to the judge when he asked her if there was any reason why she wouldn’t be able to serve. But since I can’t, today’s HSOTD is the next best thing: Sa-Fire! While driving home from jury duty after getting my ass dismissed, a cover of “I Will Survive” by Sa-Fire (which was on the She-Devil soundtrack) played on my iTunes and it was just what I needed. When I got home, I slipped down into a Sa-Fire k-hole of pure glamour and talent on YouTube and I still haven’t crawled out.
Sa-Fire (born name: Wilma Cosmé) was one of the rulers of the freestyle scene in the 80s and 90s. The Puerto Rican freestyle hummingbird from NYC had several dance hits in the 80s. “Don’t Break My Heart,” “Let Me Be The One” and “Boy, I’ve Been Told“ were all hits on the dance charts and “Boy, I’ve Been Told” hit #48 on the Billboard 100. Her debut album, which came out in 1988, was a hit and some highly-esteemed music journalists (aka my cousins) consider it to be one of the greatest freestyle albums of all-time.
The third single off of Sa-Fire’s first album, “Thinking of You,” was her biggest hit. I sang it out loud so many times that those around me probably sang to themselves, “I’m thiiiiiiiiiinking of beating this brat’s ass if he doesn’t stop singing that song.” Sa-Fire wrote this song for her uncle who died of AIDS. Here’s the video where Sa-Fire kind of looks like a Latina Suki Waterhouse (or should I say, Suki Waterhouse looks like a white Sa-Fire). Get ready to sway like a 7th grader at a junior high school dance:
Throughout the 90s and 2000s, Sa-Fire put out more dance hits and she still performs today. (Click here to see her singing “Thinking of You” at the House of Blues last year while wearing Brit Brit’s Onyx Hotel Tour catsuit and wearing it better.)
It also goes without saying that Sa-Fire’s eyebrow situation was no like no other and could easily eat Cara Delawhatever’s eyebrow situation. And now I leave you with one of Sa-Fire first performances. This has everything you need in a performance: Acid wash denim, teased bangs, hot high school talent show moves, immaculate lip-synching skills, intrigue and mystery (because you’ll ask yourself, “The fuck is going on?”). Come for the acid wash glamour, stay for the dance break at the 3:47 mark.
Pic: Fever Records
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Pic: Interview Magazine
Here’s picture proof that tall drink of Swedish leche Alexander Skarsgard and Alexa Chung are a thing. But you know, these pictures are a little weird and kind of unnatural. I mean, if you were dating ASkars, wouldn’t your hand be on his Swedish peen instead of his hand and wouldn’t your legs be wrapped around his neck. That’s what any normal person would do while taking a walk with him. Hmmm…. – Lainey Gossip
The Scientology scientists should get a raise for the Katie Holmes clone they made for Tommy Girl. I mean, she’s even got Katie’s signature look of pure misery – The Superficial
Okay, but what do Bert and Ernie think. That’s who I really want to hear from – Towleroad
It’s Friday, so why not watch this video of ferrets babies following their mommy around? – Hollywood Tuna
Something called a Pia Mia rolls around the sand like a seal in distress – Drunken Stepfather
Here I am at jury duty looking at picture after picture of man nipples and I hope the lady next to me who is staring at my screen is getting the tingles from this – The Berry
Justin Theroux says that he’s a stupid bitch – Celebitchy
Why can’t the punishment for pleading guilty to careless driving of an ATV be life in prison? – Just Jared
Thanks to Chris Christie’s camel toe, I’ve got camel toe on the brain and just spent way too much time looking for one on Hilary Duff – Popoholic
Some dude proposed to his girlfriend with a McDonald’s chicken sandwich. That dude is my soulmate. – Pajiba
In “something that has happened a million times before” news, Chelsea Handler’s nipples are on the internet – IDLYITW
Solid gold is Tim Gunn’s brain melting while reviewing Kummy Kakes‘ koffee table book – Reality Tea
VEINS: Jared Leto’s got some. More than some. – Popsugar