Woe Really Is Calvin Harris

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

As Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston meet with their team of publicists and body language experts to look over the storyboards for their next photo-op session, her ex-piece Calvin Harris continues to let out an open-mouth silent cry while clutching the deflated heart-shaped mylar balloon that she had sent to his homeroom on their one week anniversary. Calvin just can’t believe that Taylor has moved on so fast. He also can’t believe that she flew all the way to England to meet Tom’s mom and she never met his parents! This is the part in our saga where former Forever Alone team leader Jennifer Aniston sends Calvin a lonely bitch starter kit including cake batter, The Meg Ryan DVD Series, a boyfriend pillow and directions to the nearest cat adoption center.

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Lisa Marie Presley’s Latest Marriage Is Over

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her husband of ten years Michael Lockwood. Lisa cited “irreconcilable differences“, and reportedly filed papers a couple weeks ago on June 13th. Lisa Marie has requested full custody of their 7-year-old twin daughters, Harper and Finley, with monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support. But that’s kind of a duh, since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.

This is Lisa’s fourth time writing her name on divorce papers. She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years. In 1994 she was inducted into the Relationships That Make No Sense wing of the WTF Hall of Fame by getting married to Michael Jackson. They got divorced two years later in 1996. In 2002, she kept the “getting married to crazy” train going by getting married to Nicolas Cage. Just like her marriage to MJ, she called it quits with Nicolas Cage after two years of marriage. Two years after that, she got married to musician and major hat enthusiast Michael Lockwood.

I wonder who David Miscavige’s worst nightmare will get married to next? Lisa’s husbands include a musician, an iconic celebrity, an actor who takes his job really seriously and is kind of crazy, and a dude who dresses in a style I can best describe as Sunset Strip Steampunk. You know, it kinda sounds like Lisa’s dream man is Johnny Depp. Lisa Marie, you need to love yourself more, girl.

But enough about Lisa Marie – let’s take a look back at Michael Lockwood’s hats! TMZ says that Lisa Marie and Michael signed a postnup (ie. a prenup signed after marriage), and I’m really hoping one of the conditions of their postnup is that Michael gets custody of his hat collection. Because it’s pretty obvious from the pictures below that his true love is those hats. I’d hate to see them get separated.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Director Of “The Legend Of Tarzan” Should Be Blacklisted From Hollywood For This!

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.

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Caitlyn Jenner’s “Sports Illustrated” Cover Is Here

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Sports Illustrated Photoshops its bikini models until they look like they got a total body skin graft from Barbie, so when it was rumored that a member of the Photoshop-loving Kartrashians was going to pose in nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal for the cover, I figured that the retouching budget would be so high that SI’s publisher would have to do a major layoff. But it looks like I figured wrong. It looks like the cost of the magazine is more than the budget for the cover photo shoot. It looks like Sports Illustrated took Caitlyn Jenner to Six Flags using some free tickets they got, and immediately went to one of those fake magazine cover kiosks, where she struck a quick awkward before they used the rest of the budget to buy everyone a funnel cake.

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Russell Brand Is Getting Married Again

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Last month we found out that Russell Brand, Hollywood’s favorite British person from the years 2008 to 2011, knocked up his on-again/off-again girlfriend of many years and non-famous person Laura Gallacher. Now he’s decided to make it legal with her. The Sun (via Page Six) says that Russell recently decided to make Laura his second wife and shared the news with their friends during a “hippie style” party at their house this weekend. I have no idea what “hippie style” means, but I’m hoping it involved Russell introducing Laura to guests as his “groovy soon-to-be old lady.

As for why Russell, a famous person, didn’t announce his engagement in a famous people way, like Instagramming a picture of the ring hanging off the tip of Laura’s pregnancy test seconds after it happened with the caption: “She said yes! Thanks to @ClearBlue and @CustomBling for making this moment so special!” A source says Russell wanted to keep all the news about his baby and wedding hush-hush, and it’s all Katy Perry’s fault. The source claims that his “very public” (and later very messy) 14-month marriage to Katy Perry has caused him to become a more private person. His quiet at-home wedding announcement last weekend was more in line with his and Laura’s current life as “homebodies.

The source adds that Russell decided to get married to Laura because he wanted to “do the right thing” after knocking her up. Laura was reportedly “delighted” to be asked. Laura says that now, but just wait until the first time her husband throws up a truly unflattering picture of her with no makeup on. Then we’ll see how “delighted” she is to be Mrs. Russell Brand.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Not Exactly Surprising News: Chris Brown’s Publicist Has Quit

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Pull out your list of people who have had enough of Chris Brown’s bullshit and handed in their resignation papers. It’s time to add another name. Last week we learned that Chris’ manager of four years, Mike G, stopped working with Chris back in May after he allegedly received a “drug-fueledbeating from Chris Brown. Yesterday we learned that around the same time, a tour manager named Nancy Ghosh quit after he allegedly cornered her on his tour bus and unleashed a “threatening, drug-fueled tirade.” Now TMZ is saying that Chris Brown’s publicist has followed Mike G and Nancy out the door. And surprise, surprise, there was drama.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Mabel Jackson of Suffolk, England who claims that the key to her becoming a member of The Supreme Memaw Club (aka The Centurion Club) sits in a bottle of Beefeater.

When Hot Slut of February Flossie Dickey let her love of whiskey be known and former HSOTDs Agnes Fenton and Pauline Spangola both said that the secret to living a long life is boooooze, Mabel Jackson raised a “World’s Drunkest Grandma” mug and drank to that. Because Mabel Jackson tells the Suffolk Gazette (via Cosmopolitan) that she made it all the way to 100 years old thanks to the 6 gin and tonics she puts in her stomach on the daily.

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Birthday Sluts

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Mel Brooks (90)
Lacey Schwimmer (28)
Kellie Pickler (30)
Tamara Ecclestone (32)
Felicia Day (37)
Rob Dyrdek (42)
Alessandro Nivola (44)
Elon Musk (45)
Aileen Quinn (45)
Steve Burton (46)
Mike White (46)
Tichina Arnold (47)
Chayanne (48)
Gil Bellows (49)
John Cusack (50)
Mary Stuart Masterson (50)
Jessica Hecht (51)
John Elway (56)
Michael Jacobs (61)
Kathy Bates (68)

Pic: TGP

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Night Crumbs

June 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson showed up looking like this to the Dior show. Instead of laughing at his jacked-up bangs, I’m going to praise him for bravely going out in public after losing a bet that involved him letting his drunk friend cut his hair like 90s George Clooney with baby scissors – Lainey Gossip 

We get it, Chris Martin, you wanna do RiRiCelebitchy

It came from the sea…… – Drunken Stepfather 

Now that it seems like CoCo has sadly retired as the Queen of Camel Toes, somebody needs to take her place and it looks like Erika Jayne has thrown her camel toe into the running – Reality Tea

Ariel Winter and her boyfriend broke up – The Superficial 

Survivor is $25,000 richer (well, $1.50 richer after lawyer fees) thanks to Mike Huckabee using “Eye of the Tiger” without permission at a Kim Davis rally – Towleroad

As expected, Abby Lee Miller declared that she’s guilty of bankruptcy fraud in court today – Jezebel

Two minutes after these pictures were taken, Brit Brit Spears walked by, mistook Natasha Poly for a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto and swallowed her up – The Nip Slip 

For why does Natalie Portman have Wonka Runts on her loafers? – Popoholic

Olivia Munn looks so calm and relaxed like she just finally pooted out a stubborn fart  – Hollywood Tuna

This is what Judd Apatow’s soft peen looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog

You know, now that Jamie Lynn Spears mentions it, “I Found Out I Was Knocked Up In A Gas Station Bathroom” sounds like the name of a country song by a Spears sister – HuffPo

Lamar Odom is reportedly still partying and boozing – Starcasm

Jay Leno lived to tell the tale of being in a car as it flipped – SOW

Ben Affleck’s chichis are looking as luscious as ever – Just Jared

I thought that was Dorinda Medley next to the Dalai Lama and he probably did too. Please nobody break his heart by telling him that he shook hands with a much less famous trick – Popsugar

Note: The CAPTION THIS Contest’s lazy ass has called in sick today. It’ll be back tomorrow.

Pic: Splash

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