A Bunch Of Texts Johnny Depp’s Assistant Sent To Amber Heard After An Alleged Fight Have Been Released (UPDATE)

June 2, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s show-and-tell week for Amber Heard’s team. Yesterday, People published pictures from December of Amber’s injured face after an alleged beat-down courtesy of Johnny Depp. And also yesterday, Entertainment Tonight posted text messages that were allegedly sent between Johnny Depp’s assistant Stephen Deuters and Amber after one of his rages back in 2014 before they were married. I knew Hollywood assistants were required to do a bunch of weird shit, but if these texts are real, then apparently one of those requirements is apologizing to their boss’ girlfriend on their behalf after acting like a violent mess. The texts are after the cut:

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

June 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Frog and Toad, the inspirational portrait of a stable and long-lasting gay relationship!

I don’t know when it hit me that Frog and Toad are probably gay life partners, but when it did hit me, it was as if Oprah’s face appeared in my head and said, “Aha!” I mean, they gave each other sweet gifts, did everything together, lovingly gazed into each other’s Pac-Man-looking eyes and wore color-coordinated matching outfits. They’re gay! I hate typing the words “relationship goals,” but they were the original “relationship goals.” They showed us gay dudes that you can get a man without a gym body. Although, I am throwing a “bitch, too far” look at them for those matching high-waisted, shirtless outfits.

Arnold Lobel, who wrote the Frog and Toad children’s book series starting with Frog and Toad Are Friends, never said that his characters are gay soulmates. But in a new profile for The New Yorker, Arnold’s daughter, set designer Adrianne Lobel, says that she believes her father created the Frog and Toad stories as a way of dealing with his own sexuality. Arnold wrote other children’s stories, but Adrianne says that the Frog and Toad was his only series that involved a relationship.

Adrianne suspects that there’s another dimension to the series’s sustained popularity. Frog and Toad are “of the same sex, and they love each other,” she told me. “It was quite ahead of its time in that respect.” In 1974, four years after the first book in the series was published, Lobel came out to his family as gay. “I think ‘Frog and Toad’ really was the beginning of him coming out,” Adrianne told me.

Arnold died from AIDS-related complications in 1987 at the young age of 55, and he only wrote a few Frog and Toad books before his death. In my mind, the series lives on with stories about how Frog and Toad adopted a tadpole and got a Fire Island share with their good friends Bert and Ernie, who they met through their great nephew Kermit. And there’d be a tale about how they shocked their friends by revealing that Frog is actually vers bottom and Toad is a power top. But really, look at the love between them. A Peter Gabriel song plays in their heads when they look at each other. They give us all hope!

frogandtoadhsotd2

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Birthday Sluts

June 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Dominic Cooper (38)
Willy Moon (27)
Zuri Hall (28)
Fabrizio Moretti (36)
Abby Wambach (36)
Morena Baccarin (37)
Nikki Cox (38)
Justin Long (38)
Zachary Quinto (39)
Wayne Brady (44)
Wentworth Miller (44)
B-Real (46)
Beetlejuice (48)
Andy Cohen (48)
Dana Carvey (61)
Dennis Haysbert (62)
Keith Allen (63)
Joanna Gleason (66)
Frank Rich (67)
Jerry Mathers (68)
Lasse Hallstrom (70)
Maree Cheatham (74)
Stacy Keach (75)
Charlie Watts (75)
Sally Kellerman (79)

Pic: Flaunt Magazine

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Night Crumbs

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Hollywood is trying to remake Guys and Dolls again, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to modernize it by turning Nathan Detroit into an online gambling addict, Sarah into a Scientologist, Miss Adelaide into a reality show trick/YouTube singer and Sky into a top 10 poker player with a major Instagram following. They can change the name to Baes and THOTs – Lainey Gossip 

Charlotte McKinney does a bunch of “hungover on a Tuesday morning after a long holiday weekend” poses in some photo shoot – Drunken Stepfather

Khlozilla has found her next victim – Celebitchy

Cynthia Bailey and Papa Smurf confirm what everyone has known for months – Reality Tea 

“Put me out of my misery” isn’t only what I say while watching a duet between Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, it’s also a lyric in her new single – SOW

Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Battfleck The Superficial 

It looks like RiRi got tangled up in a deflated hot air balloon and its cords, and I’m into it – Egotastic! 

An evil hornet jockstrap that may not have touched Zac Efron’s dick is up for auction – Towleroad

In news that I’m not sure will give you nerds the happies or sads, Brie Larson is the frontrunner to play Captain Marvel – Pajiba

Ellen Pompeo is going back to Grey’s AnatomyHuffPo

Ryan Gosling is the anti-Jon Snow because he thinks it’s time for men to be objectified more – Just Jared

Why did I keep waiting for Emilia Clarke to completely fangirl out on Joey by saying, “How you doin’?” – Popsugar

 

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QOTD: Salma Hayek Doesn’t Think Daily Boning Is A Good Idea

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above on the cover of Red looking like a morph of Amal Clooney and Jessica Alba, Salma Hayek tells the magazine that she doesn’t hump gold coins out of her billionaire husband’s peen slit on the nightly, because if they did, fucking wouldn’t be so good after a while. So I guess “Not tonight dear, it’ll ruin the spark”  is the new “Not tonight dear, I have a headache.” Salma said that marriage is not all about sex. What is the point of being married then?!

“Sex is not the key to a happy marriage, but it’s a side effect. Although not every day! If it’s every day, it loses its charm. It’s so important to maintain your chemistry. You have to continue to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance. A good marriage, full of love, is my biggest accomplishment. Home is where my husband is. He is home. Everything outside of the family nucleus is an adventure that you’re living together.”

First of all, the key to a happy marriage is marrying a billionaire. Second of all, I’d completely agree with Salma about having to laugh, explore, have fun with each other and have romance if you add “while fucking” to the end of each of those things.

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris’ Eternal Love Has Died After Only 15 Months

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Why do I have a feeling that Taylor Swift’s record label is registering the album title “Last Night A DJ RUINED My Life” right now?

Here I was preparing my eye rolling muscles for maximum use, because I thought that Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris were going to get engaged any second and celebrate their engagement with photo-ops where she’d flash her engagement ring (a Sweet Secret with a real pink diamond in its body), but that’s not going to happen. Wonder Bread Barbie and Wonder Bread Ken have broken up after 15 long months.

People, UsWeekly, TMZ and everybody else all posted the break-up of Tayvin at the same time and I’m guessing they all got it from the same source (Hi, Tay Tay’s publicist!). But another source tells E! News that during homeroom, it was Calvin who passed Taylor a folded broken heart note and in it, it read, “We’re dun 🙁“.

“This all happened last week.

Taylor and Adam had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. Adam is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for Adam with his accident and supportive.”

So Calvin dumped her ass after he was in that bad car accident? I guess it’s true what they say. Your life really does flash before your eyes when you’re in an accident. Obviously those cringe-inducing vacation pics with Taylor flashed before Calvin’s eyes and so he quit her. But I do have to throw a “ho, please” at the break-up being mature and non-dramatic. Taylor doesn’t do mature and drama-free, and since she thinks she’s all edgy and grunge now, we’re probably going to get her version of Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know.” But instead of singing “Would she go down on you in a theater?”, she’s going to sing, “Would she cut your sandwich into a heart shape?” Everybody brace themselves!

Pic:@taylorswift

Open Post: Hosted By The Gorgeous Creature On Billy Ray Cyrus’ Head

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Billy Ray Cyrus was on Today this morning to talk about the only thing that gets him press anymore, his lil’ hillbilly chipmunk kin’s love life, and here he is outside of NBC studios where he signed an autograph for a fan. Sure, the fan was a little boy, and sure that little boy probably really wanted an autograph from Rocket Raccoon, who was lying on Billy’s head, but I’m sure it still made his day.

The thing about Billy Ray’s “hair” is that it’s kind of a mystery. Sometimes it looks like it’s one of God’s creatures and sometimes it looks like it was made in a factory in China somewhere. I don’t know whether it’s about to get up from its nap and beg for Snausages or if it’s got a tag inside of it that reads “Raquel Welch Wig Line 100% synthetic.” But I do know that thanks to that wig, glasses and painted-on goatee, Billy Ray looks like 90% of police sketches of a suspect who is wanted for stealing worn ladies panties from houses.

Pics: Splash

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Drake Might Be Working His Sensitive Game On Hailey Baldwin

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in on who Drake was allegedly rubbing on, sources claimed it was Rihanna and that they had been doing it in secret for months. That news got a bit of a “Sure, Jan” from me, since I’m skeptical that RiRi’s restless coochie is able to commit to a time frame as long as “months.” Now TMZ is saying that Drake might have a new lady in his life. It must be serious, because he took her to the only club/restaurant that exists in Los Angeles for famous people, The Nice Guy. I believe a pap walk outside of The Nice Guy is basically the famous version of a promise ring.

Drake was seen at The Nice Guy last night with Stephen Baldwin’s daughter and Justin Bieber’s former girlfriend/thirsty selfie partner, Hailey Baldwin. Sources tell TMZ that Drake and Hailey showed up around 11:30pm and crawled into a booth with another couple. The sources say it was clear that they were on a date, and that at one point, Drake put his arm around the back of the booth. Apparently the bearings in Jimmy’s wheelchair aren’t the only things that are smooth.

But they didn’t spend all night at the club. They left around 2:30am, because, you know, Hailey probably had a big day of…modeling (???) ahead of her. Hailey left out the front, Drake snuck out the back. As for when they might have gotten together, TMZ says they were hanging out at Drake’s Memorial Day party.

So Hailey Baldwin and her BFF Kylie Jenner are both dating Canadian rappers now. I wonder how long it will be before they both start taking selfies in Hudson Bay-stripe bikinis and Snapchatting themselves eating butter tarts while “high as fuck“? As a Canadian person, I hope the answer is: never.

Here’s Drake and what could possibly Canada’s future princess (typing that made me sad) leaving The Nice Guy early this morning.

Pics: Splash

Megan Fox’s Unborn Baby Is A Telepathic Genius Who Cares About Real Estate

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

“Oh fuck my nerves with a butter knife dipped in acid, she’s about to have another thought…” – that dude on the right

Anyone who has been lucky enough to use their brain to ingest at least one Megan Fox interview knows that she is a never-ending fountain of wisdom, and melted plastic, but mostly wisdom. And on Jimmy Kimmel Live! (via E!) last night, Megan said that the unborn baby growing in her body has definitely inherited her super genius gene, because it has told her that it’s either going to be a Nazi rocket maker or an electric car mogul. Megan’s third baby also told her to move houses. Somewhere, scientists studying the long-term effects of Botox use have added, “hearing fetus voices,” to the list of shit to look into.

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