Open Post: Hosted By An Australian Zoo’s “Name A Snake After Your Ex” Competition

/ February 5, 2019

Why do I feel like the Wildlife Sydney Zoo is about to get a huge donation from Kim Kardashian…or Taylor Swift just so she can annoyingly “reclaim the narrative.” The Australian zoo just got a brown snake, one of the world’s most venomous slithery things that isn’t named Pimp Mama Kris, and rather than just name it Kris, they’re looking to make some money and give us petty hos an opportunity to petty up the animal kingdom.

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The Sun Says That Liam Payne Is Sprung On Naomi Campbell

/ February 5, 2019

It’s escalated from puppy love and meeting with the president of Ghana to aggressively bumping uglies between Liam Payne and Naomi Campbell. Guess he has a type because, if you can believe a British tabloid, Liam is having “mind-blowing” sex with (ANOTHER) older woman. Somehow, I believe it’s mind-blowing because Naomi screams at him about proper positioning the whole time so she walks away pleased and he just whimpers in a corner.

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After Sharing His Racist Revenge Fantasy With The World, Liam Neeson Says He’s Not Racist 

/ February 5, 2019

Black History Month got off to a great start yesterday when we all heard the racist tale of yore of how Liam Neeson once reacted to the rape of a close friend by walking the streets hoping that some random black man would mess with him so he could kill that random black man as an act of revenge against his friend’s rapist (who she said was black). The W,T, and F keys on thousands of keyboards are probably broken today because that’s what everyone pounded in response to Liam’s story. Liam was on Good Morning America today to promote his newest revenge movie Cold Pursuit, and says that he’s not racist and that the racist revenge thoughts that ran through his brain back then were healed through power walking!

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Bradley Cooper Is Terrified Of Singing Live At The Oscars

/ February 5, 2019

We’re only a little over two weeks away from the clusterfuck that will be the 91st Academy Awards and I can honestly say this is the first time in years that the buildup to the ceremony has almost generated more buzz than all of the nominees. After debating whether or not all of the songs will be performed to shave some time off of the broadcast, it was announced that all five nominated tunes from the Best Original Song category will be performed. The Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper duet “Shallow” from A Star is Born is definitely one of the biggest songs in the category and the two of them are going to perform it during the show. However, according to Extra, B. Coop is absolutely terrified.

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Andy King, The Blowjob King Of The Fyre Festival, Has Been Offered Advertising Campaigns And TV Shows

/ February 5, 2019

While that Fyre Festival seems to have scorched the Earth beneath every single person involved in it, with lawsuits still ongoing, the head douche of it ending up in prison, and Ja Rule pretending he didn’t know this would happen, there is one person who is living their very best life ever since those Fyre Festival documentaries were released. One Andy “Take One For The Team” King, AKA the Fyre Festival events producer who was willing to suck the dick of a customs officials for the release of Evian water, which they needed for the festival.  Continue reading

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The Ratings For The Super Bowl Were Super Low

/ February 5, 2019

While I was watching Super Bowl LIII on Sunday night I could barely pay attention to the game because it was boring. The commercials were boring. Adam Levine was so bored during his halftime performance with Maroon 5 that he took his shirt off to make things a bit sexier and it was still, by far, the most boring Super Bowl in years. And I’m not the only on who thinks so as the ratings have come in and they’re not good. In fact, viewership for this year’s Super Bowl was the lowest its been in a decade.

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