This patient, side eye-throwing fluffy white fur friend who wants that piece of watermelon more than he wants anything in the world.
This riveting and suspenseful clip with a sad ending from Korean YouTuber 우끼끼 has over 650,000 hits, because people really relate to that fluffy white fur friend. We’re all just a fluffy white dog, patiently waiting for life to give us a piece of watermelon. But don’t be this dog. Learn from this dog. Don’t sit there as life eats up that delicious piece of watermelon after dangling it front of you like the cruel trick it is. Before life eats up that watermelon, jump on life, scratch at its face, take that watermelon and run to the kitchen to get some hot sauce for your piece of watermelon. Really, who the hell eats watermelon without salt and hot sauce?
Phoebe Price (Forever Ageless)
Avril Lavigne (30)
Anna Camp (32)
Lil Wayne (32)
Jason Wu (32)
Carrie Brownstein (40)
Gwyneth Paltrow (42)
Amanda Detmer (43)
Patrick Muldoon (46)
Alexis Stewart (49)
Stephan Jenkins (50)
Marc Maron (51)
Andy Lau (53)
Shaun Cassidy (56)
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (64)
A Martinez (66)
Liz Torres (67)
Meat Loaf (68)
Wilford Brimley (80)
Jayne Meadows (95)
“Um, I’ve read the Bear Grylls proposal story and I’m pretty sure Gerry’s supposed to pull the engagement ring out of his ass, not mine” is what Gerard Butler’s piece thought to herself as his fingers went for her ass – The Superficial
Rachel McAdams probably beat out Jessica Biel for the female lead in season two of True Detective. Well, if producers need to cast a human in the role of the “flat circle,” they should cast Jessica Biel. She has just the right personality for it – Lainey Gossip
Lena Dunham says that as soon as she got got chunky, the chubby chasers fell from the sky – Celebitchy
Demi Lovato gracefully poots out a doody bubble – Drunken Stepfather
“I wanna see the receipts!” – God to Backdoor Farrah – Reality Tea
One way to get me to watch How To Get Away With Murder is to promise lots of gay sex – Towleroad
Woe is the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice, again – WWTDD
The guy from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure who isn’t Keanu Reeves says that strange things will once again be afoot at the Costco. I said “Costco” instead of “Circle K,” because I don’t think many 40-somethings hang out in front of the Circle K – Jezebel
Lady CaCa stops a fight while looking like something found at the bottom of a Port-A-Potty at a candy rave circa 1999 – Popsugar
Kelly Brook’s t-shirt is no match for her magnificent chichis – Hollywood Tuna
This is what one of the now grown twinks from O-Town is doing for relevancy and I don’t hate it at all – OMG Blog
It took me a minute to realize that the stuff on Vanessa Hudgens’ leggings weren’t butterfly-shaped poop stains – Popoholic
Normal Guy Dave might get his job back – ICYDK
Vanessa Williams is getting married - Just Jared
Presenting the Glittery Gays of YouTube before there was YouTube – Boy Culture
Your Slutoween costume found: Slutty Olaf from Frozen – PITNB
Poor Becky, even her twin Taylor Swift is making fun of her marijuana overdose – HuffPo
A picture-perfect basic wedding for a picture-perfect basic bitch – The Berry
Pic: Pacific Coast News
In 2009, Tumblr’s #1 wet dream and the half-blood prince of the lizard aliens, Bendadick Cumsinbatches, narrated the BBC documentary series South Pacific and in the clip below from Reddit that’s making the rounds, he says penguins the same way a 5-year-old with a burnt tongue (or Drew Barrymore) would say it. PENGWINGS! PENGLINGS! Either the penguins are the secret enemy of the lizard aliens and he can’t bring himself to say their dirty name properly or we’ve all been pronouncing “penguins” wrong the entire time. I’m going with the latter and only because I want to say PENGLINGS out loud as much as possible.
And she might’ve sucked out his eyeballs too. That’s the way a troll really says “I love you.”
The Daily Mail posted pictures of 28-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen wearing a plain band on her finger instead of the vintage engagement ring she pulled off of a confederate window’s skeletal hand while scavenging through graves like she does most nights. The pictures of MK and her 45-year-old French banker fiancé Olivier Sarkozy were taken a few days ago in the Hamptons. A “well-connected” source tells Lucky Magazine that the sneakiest troll who always asks you the hardest riddles when you try to cross the bridge and The Brain’s human twin ARE married. But another source tells Gossip Cop that MK and Olivier haven’t gotten married yet.
WHO TO BELIEVE?!
I sort of believe Lucky’s “well-connected source” (who is obviously Mary-Kate’s big-mouthed, do-gooder great uncle Ernest J. Keebler) because everyone but George Clooney’s extra ass is getting secret married. Getting secret married is the thing to do. My mouth is getting secret married to a pepperoni Hot Pocket as I type this. But I also believe Gossip Cop’s source. We would know it right away if a Trollsen got married. Every time a shifty troll from the dark part of the Enchanted Forest gets married, their reception has a huge spread full of squirrel nails, brow hair from toddlers and bear teeth. So I won’t believe it until I go outside and see a squirrel with acrylic nails, a toddler with painted on Sharpie brows and Khloe Kardashian adjusting her dentures.
Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.
To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???”
And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.
Goopy Paltrow Wants You To Know That She’s Not The Epitome Of Perfection And Screws Up Pasta Sometimes
But FYI: Goopy Paltrow’s screwed up pasta is still a zillion times better than your best pasta. You already knew that, though.
When all of us peasant peons sneak past the guards and stick our eyes on the crack in the stone wall that surrounds Goopy Paltrow’s perfect manor of perfection, our eye sockets fill with pure jealousy as we look at everything in her perfect life from her perfect outdoor pizza oven to the perfect bath tub in her perfect bedroom to the way the perfect stick shoved up her perfect ass gives her perfect posture. But the dehydrated piece of jicama covered with perfection tells Viva Magazine (via E! News) that even she, the human pinnacle of excellence whose full name auto-corrects to PERFECT in every iPhone (every iPhone 6 that is. You literally can’t type her name in an iPhone 5s or lower, because poors don’t deserve that honor!), fails sometimes. I mean, she screwed up pasta once! Technically it wasn’t her fault. It was her Italian water importer’s fault. He sent her jugs full of tap water from Bologna instead of Sicily and it totally made her homemade pasta inedible! Goopy also continued to clarify that “9 to 5 working moms don’t have it as hard as I do” comment she shat up a few months ago.
Rapper, former Flipmode Squad member, and Rasheeda from Carmen: A Hop Hopera (really the only credit that matters) Rah Digga recently spit some truth so hot about Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, you could deep-fry an Outback Bloomin’ Onion in it. During an interview with Gossip Viv from This is 50 Radio (via E!), Rah let it be known that she thinks the answer to Iggy’s question of “Who dat? Who dat?” is ‘A White Chicks-looking kangaroo-riding pantyhose-wrapped bundle of LIES‘:
“Iggy Azalea, I can’t really get into her. Because it’s just not real to me. There is a white girl from Australia that spits in an Australian accent, and her name is Chelsea Jane. That I can get into. Teach me Australian Hip-Hop culture. Don’t come to America and try to convince me that you’re Gangsta Boo. We’re not going to believe you if you’re trying to convince us that you’re out here trap shooting.”
“That’s the problem. They’re too many passes being given. When did it become wrong to call out people that don’t write their own rhymes? When did that become a crime in hip-hop?”
Naturally, Iggy decided to respond to Rah’s accusations that she’s doing a spot-on impression of J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys by throwing some subtle shade on Twitter:
In case you didn’t already know, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are the anti-Brangelina and they’re not going to get married in a hush, hush at-home wedding featuring a coloring book dress and a busted, ugly wedding cake made by a child. (May a special place in Hell’s special place open up just for me for saying that, but that cake Pax made was a janky mess. Even Maddox knows this.) MuddiLooney is going to give us SPECTACLE! THEATER! DRAMA! FACE! OLD SCHOOL LIFE MAGAZINE GLAMOUR! Thank God George Clooney isn’t following that “secret wedding” trend and is whoring out his wedding to the masses.
That’s the face of a woman who knows that humping on a jacked-looking human joint will be totally worth it someday. And that day is today! Or at least the day the cheque clears. According to TMZ, Amazonian snu snu goddess Amber Rose is set to receive more than $1 million when legally quits her 12 month marriage to Wiz Khalifa. Sources connected to both say that before they got married, Amber demanded an 8-page prenup that would cover her ass (literally) if shit between her and Cheez Whiz went bad. And Amber wants the prenup enforced, because she’ll get more money that way. Obviously! That’s Chapter 1 in the Get Money Bitch Handbook.
TMZ also says that regardless of whether or not Wiz and/or Amber were passing their no-nos to other hos, she’ll still get her hands on that busted Muppet’s millions, because California is a no-fault state and there was no mention of cheating in their prenup. Additionally, their prenup says nothing about custody, so Amber is asking for full custody of their adorable 1-year-old son Sebastian.
I know that Wiz Khalifa looks like weed dipped in crazy and rolled in bath salts, but I’d marry his ass for 10 years if it meant I got a million dollars every 12 months. Are you kidding me? A million dollars a year?? Sign me up! I’ll make him breakfast and shit too! I’ll work hard for that money! Yes, I’ll wake up every morning next to a human sticker book who’s hair sort of looks like one of those creepy stick bundles from True Detective, but I think I can deal with that. I’d just have to keep repeating the Get Money Bitch mantra: “Don’t be a dummy, bitch get that money.“