Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Your husband may be dead but
With our urn he can still thrust – Morticia
Rest In Penis – Shadeball
Note: In case you don’t know that is, it’s a dildo urn for your dead loved one’s ashes. Yeah.
Mrs. T, the 90-year-old tortoise who’s now a 4X4 badass bitch thanks to her new wheels.
Tortoises are the memaws and pepaws of the animal world and deserve some serious respect, but a few asshole, turtle-hating piece of trash rats don’t know that and gnawed off Mrs. T’s legs after breaking into her hutch. Mrs. T’s human, Judy Ryder of Pembroke, West Wales, tells the BBC that the rats ate both of Mrs. T’s front legs and one of her back legs. Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would not approve of his kind treating a tortoise like that.
Judy and her medical engineer son were going to have some prosthetic legs made so Mrs. T would be able to get around again, but that idea got shat on when they found out that the rats gnawed off too much. (Cut to me in about a week at the free clinic begging my doctor to give me industrial-strength Ambien because the nightmare images of rats gnawing tortoise legs off won’t let me go into dreamland.)
Judy’s son then came up with the idea to hook Mrs. T up to a pair of wheels. So that’s what they did and now hos have to hold onto their wigs when she whizzes by, because she goes twice the speed she used to. Judy said these words to the Telegraph:
“It was like fitting her with a turbo charger – she’s going double the speed she used to. She uses her back legs to push herself along. She seems quite happy, but it’s difficult to tell with a tortoise.”
Here’s the video of Mrs. T in action and it’s best if you watch it with the sound muted and “Ridin’” blasting instead.
Those rats better watch the hell out. When Mrs. T had normal tortoise legs, she probably hit 0.25 mph MAX. But now that she’s got wheels, she’ll probably be able to hit 0.50 mph. She’s coming for those rats who did her wrong.
Uma Thurman (45)
Crystal Harris (29)
Amy Heidemann (29)
Taylor Cole (31)
Megan Boone (32)
Jay Cutler (33)
Tyler Labine (37)
Andre Agassi (45)
Paul Adelstein (46)
Carnie Wilson (47)
Master P (48)
Michelle Pfeiffer (57)
Eve Plumb (57)
Daniel Day-Lewis (58)
Kate Mulgrew (60)
Leslie Jordan (60)
Jerry Seinfeld (61)
Nora Dunn (63)
Anita Dobson (66)
Richard Kline (71)
Willie Nelson (82) Note: Our American King of the Good Shit was born close to midnight, so he gets 2 birthdays!
Pic: David LaChapelle
Robert Downey Jr. travels with an army of bodyguards that’s even bigger than his ego, which sort of makes sense since he cacas money. RDJ’s ass is a Brink’s truck is what I’m trying to say - Lainey Gossip
Alice Eve (aka the one who did a scene in her panties in Star Trek: Into The Darkness) went all, “WE HAVE IT HARDER,” when talking about Bruce Jenner’s transition – Celebitchy
And the Emmy goes to…. every single person involved in Kenya Moore’s Life Twirls On – Reality Tea
Why do I suddenly have the image of Glamberace getting tag teamed by Kevin Spacey and John Travolta? – Towleroad
So here’s Kelly Bensimon’s jelly bean nipple if that’s what you need to see today – (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather
I wish I could see Hilary Duff’s face when she strolls into the restaurant and sees that her Tinder date is actually Aaron Carter – The Superficial
I’m not lying when I say that ScarJo’s dress was definitely my abuelita’s “summer” bedspread in a past life – Popoholic
Jake Gyllenhaal was in a boy band called Holeshot. HOLESHOT. That sounds like the name a glory hole/shooting range – Pajiba
These dogs should star in a reboot of Baywatch – Hollywood Tuna
PETA finally does something right and puts Tom Hardy and a dog friend in an ad together – Jezebel
Taylor Swift spends a little quality time with her vocal coaches – The Berry
RED, WHITE AND BLAINE WAS ROBBED! (I say that every time the Tony nominations come out) – HuffPo
Unless Duchess Kate gave birth in that Range Rover, the royal baby is still hanging out in her royal womb – Popsugar
Zac Efron should definitely keep this look – ICYDK
And I bet after Robert DeNiro pulled his thumb out of Zac Efron’s b-hole, he smelled it and it smelled like strawberry Lip Smackers and hummingbird juice - Just Jared
Katy Perry put on her fartin’ mask to go to Taco Bell in Tokyo – SOW
May every tambourine never jingle again, because Tracy Partridge has gone off to heaven – Boy Culture
UPDATE: According to a note on her website, Joni is still in the hospital, but she’s not in a coma and is not close to twirling up to heaven.
Contrary to rumors circulating on the Internet today, Joni is not in a coma. Joni is still in the hospital – but she comprehends, she’s alert, and she has her full senses. A full recovery is expected. The document obtained by a certain media outlet simply gives her longtime friend Leslie Morris the authority – in the absence of 24-hour doctor care – to make care decisions for Joni once she leaves the hospital. As we all know, Joni is a strong-willed woman and is nowhere near giving up the fight. Please continue to keep Joni in your thoughts.
Here’s the original post:
Well, damn. Prayer circles were formed late last month when 71-year-old Joni Mitchell was found unconscious at her home in Bel Air, CA and was taken to UCLA Medical Center. The other day, I wondered how she’s doing and today I got my answer. The answer is: She’s in a bad, bad way.
The day after Joni went to the hospital, her rep said that she was in “good spirits” and was awake. A few days later, her Twitter account said she was resting comfortably and getting better each day. I’m not sure what happened between now and then, but TMZ says that she’s now in a coma and is responding to nothing. TMZ found out, because Joni’s friend of a million years, Leslie Morris, filed documents to become her conservator. Apparently, Joni has no close relatives who could take the role. The documents also say that Joni is “so impaired as to be incapable of being assessed.”
Joni’s rep hasn’t said anything about this yet. Joni’s official diagnosis isn’t known, but she has talked about having a condition called Morgellons (again, DO NOT GOOGLE THAT) and once said that years of smoking fucked with her singing voice.
QUICK! Somebody whisper the words, “Joni, they just greenlighted a biopic about your life starring Taylor Swift.” Maybe she’ll wake up to slap a trick hard.
And back to the prayer circle…
UPDATE: In a note that just went up on Joni’s website,
Something tells me this isn’t the first time that Zac Efron has wandered the beach half-naked with a confused, slightly constipated look on his face, words scribbled on his chest and a stuffed insect covering his dick. This is what usually happens after a night of partying with Michelle Rodriguez.
Here’s Zac butt fucking a stuffed bee while shooting scenes for some movie called Dirty Grandpa (not be confused with Bad Grandpa, I think) on Tybee Island in Georgia yesterday. Yes, there’s a good reason for why Zac Efron is half-naked in this movie and the reason is: because the producers and studio want to fill their pockets with as much money as possible and know they need to show Zac Efron’s nipples in order to do so. I’m all for that, but I have a complaint. I’ve longed considered Zac Efron the next Daniel Day-Lewis (shh, just go with it), but how can he truly be the next Daniel Day-Lewis if he wears skin-colored chonies during what’s supposed to be a naked scene? How can he fully express the embarrassment that the character feels over being naked on a beach if he’s wearing crack-hugging panties? I think it was the late, great Stella Adler who once said: “You gotta drop them panties for your art.” RESHOOT! Eh, but what do I know? I’m 100% sure that Zac Efron will still get an Oscar nomination for this (and he’ll get it over Leonardo DiCaprio, of course).
Bobbi Kristina Brown has spent the last 13 weeks in a coma after she was discovered unconscious in her bathtub, which means her father has spent the last 13 weeks taking an already messy situation and somehow making it messier. The last time we checked in on Bobby Brown, he was telling the audience at one of his recent shows that Bobbi Kristina was awake (a statement the Houston family later had to clarify). And now, the NY Daily News says Bobby Brown is trying to get control over her money.
A “source” claims that Bobby has filed for guardianship of Bobbi Kristina’s estate. Currently, Bobby only has the power to make medical decisions for her. But if a court grants the guardianship, he’ll also have control of her finances, whatever they may be. According to the same source, Bobbi Kristina was supposed to get 10% of Whitney Houston’s estate after she died, but the percentage was later modified “with good reason” and she never received it.
To make matters messier, People says Bobbi Kristina’s boyfriend Nick Gordon is out of rehab seven weeks after that grimy walrus Dr. Phil sent him there, and I’m sure he’ll have something to say about who gets Bobbi’s share of Whitney’s cash.
I get that someone should be in charge of Bobbi Kristina’s estate, but something tells me this is only going to end in a dramatic courtroom fight between Bobby and Nick. I wish there was another option, like granting guardianship to a super smart cat or something. At least that way you know nobody will be caught “borrowing” a couple bucks from Bobbi Kristina’s bank account (well, unless the cat you grant guardianship to is MC Skat Kat, in which case, that money is as good as gone).
Last February, Rosie O’Donnell let it be known that she’s taking a Magic Eraser to her life by dropping her job and her latest wife. For some reason I didn’t think her divorce would get that messy. But it’s getting a little messy.
Page Six says that Rosie O’s estranged wife of almost 3 years Michelle Rounds wants sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota. Michelle’s lawyer has already filed papers and told Page Six that Michelle believes that Dakota is better off with her. SHOTS FIRED!
“My client Michelle Rounds has decided to start proceedings for sole custody of their daughter Dakota, since it is unequivocally in their child’s best interest and general welfare.”
They signed a prenup before they got married and their divorce was going fine until Michelle played this card. Rosie O’s rep has already slapped a trick back. Her rep said that Michelle is just using their child for her “own gain.” A “source” also told TMZ that Michelle is obviously trying to milk more cash out of Rosie. The source also fired back at Michelle hard by saying that she “can’t even raise a dog … she’s given multiple dogs away.” MESS! And on the big day at SCOTUS of all days.
If Michelle really wants to get “butt sex after Taco Bell” messy, she should take a few tips from Tammy Lynn Michaels on how to bring the lesbian divorce drama in heavy doses. Michelle needs to get herself a Blogspot and write 10,000 word haikus about how she’s so poor she has to eat dirt sandwiches and how her heart broke when she found Rosie’s box of new dicks. That’s how you do it. Actually, now that I think about it, Michelle doesn’t have to do any of that. If she really wants full custody of Dakota and the bigger child support check that goes along with it, she should give the judge a picture of Rosie in rubber demon shoes known as CROCs and argue that no young human should be tortured by the daily sight of CROCs. Judgement in favor of the woman that kind of looks like Marcia Cross!
Courteney Cox Sort Of Hints That David Schwimmer Might Be The Reason Why There Hasn’t Been A Friends Reunion
Fucking Ross! Of course it would be his fault. It’s always Ross’ fault. During a recent interview with Yahoo, Courteney Cox was asked whether or not there might ever be a Friends reunion. Obviously the answer to that is no, because a reunion is only a reunion if you’re able to get all the former cast members together, and that would be impossible, since Monica’s old face has been MIA for several years now. But according to Courteney, it’s a no because there’s always someone who fucks it up, and no, it’s not that adorable bumbling oaf Joey. When asked about the possibility of a reunion, Courteney said:
“Dear lord, let it go, people. We’re not doing it. It’s just not going to happen….We’ve gotten about 80% there, but there’s always one person who flakes at the end.”
She was then asked if the name of the flake was David Schwimmer, and she answered:
“You know, I’m not going to name names, but it may not be Schwimmer.”
She then looked at the camera like “It’s totally fucking Ross.” It’s always Ross!
You know what? A Friends reunion can still happen without David Schwimmer; just grab a mopey-looking potato, put it in a blue sweater, and sit it beside a monkey – there, instant Ross. The only people who really matter are Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Joey’s hot slutty sister Gina, Phoebe, Ursula, the chick and the duck, Gunther, that dude who kept letting his balls hang out, and sexy DILF Jack Gellar (just me and Phoebe? Ok).
Speaking of a potato in a sweater, here’s David Schwimmer at an event with his wife and daughter last weekend. For someone who doesn’t want to do a Friends reunion, dude sure is dressed like he’s ready to drop everything and film one. Blue sweater? Check. Boot-cut jeans? Check. Ross hair? Check. Dopey “Hey Rach” face? Check.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.