“Hi Ms. Lohan, I’m Darren! I’m the intern assigned to make sure you don’t snort all the prop drugs on set! And it looks like I’m too late. Well, nice meeting you!”
The 4th and final season of HBOs Eastbound & Down came to a close last night with another Kenny Powers death (Oh shit, SPOILERS! Sorry!) told in a narrated flash-forward that let’s us see Kenny and April’s children, Toby and Shayna, all grown up and played by Alexander Skarsgård (in a Cousin Larry wig) and Lindsay Lohan. It turns out everything is a dream and Kenny is just writing his memoirs or something, which explains him casting the role of his daughter with Lindsay Lohan, aka the only person alive who could drink and do more drugs than Kenny Powers (“I’ll try my best” – Lindsay Lohan).
I don’t mean to be a Skeptical Sally (I’m really more of a Crackpot Conspiracy Carol) but I’m not sure the woman in this clip is actually Lindsay Lohan. “Lindsay Lohan” is practically shorthand now for ‘Don’t ask me to go by your clock, because I work on my own time, and in my world it’s always Quarter to Nap‘ so there’s no realistic way they’d be able to get her on set, film not one, but several scenes, have her appear semi-sober, all within a 9-week time span. With that being said, I believe there are two explanations for what we’re seeing here:
Theory #1: Some kind of Lord of the Rings performance-capture green-screen shit. “Lindsay Lohan” could actually be no more than expensive computer animation and Andy Serkis in a bus-stop weave.
Theory #2: A Weekend at Bernie’s situation. A Ziploc freezer bag filled with Ambien is sent over to Lohan’s apartment; then, an out-cold Lindsay is brought to set and production interns are assigned to puppeteering her limbs.
Either theory can also be supported with her lack of dialogue. Not speaking a word means either she couldn’t memorize any lines (possible) or they couldn’t get anyone to drink enough lighter fluid to imitate her voice with any kind of precision.
And yes, Theory #2 was tested and supported through repeated observations on the set of The Canyons.
Like a cracked-out, fat, sweaty bull in a China shop, Toronto’s buffoon ass mayor ran into and nearly bulldozed over Toronto City Councillor Pam McConnell during a messy meeting today. No, someone off camera wasn’t waving a crack rock in the air and Rob was trying to get to it. Rob claims that he got excited, because his brother Doug Ford was getting into a verbal brawl with the crowd. Oh, Rob Ford, he’s still the gift that keeps on giving, the crack pipe that keeps on crack-ing, the pussy eater that keeps on eating…
Yes, Rob Ford is Canada’s greatest comedian, but the melodramatic TV commentator wins this clip: OHMYGAWD HE’S ATTACKED SOMEBODY! OHMYGAWD HE MURDERED SOMEBODY! OMGAWD HE RIPPED OUT SOMEBODY’S ORGANS AND ARE GOING TO TRADE THEM FOR SOME CRACK! OHMYGAWD HE’S EATING SOME… I’m going to stop right there, because nobody deserves that image on a Monday.
Brittany Murphy and her husband Simon Monjack died five months apart and the Los Angeles Coroner’s office ruled that pneumonia and anemia was to blame for both of their deaths. The Coroner’s office also found multiple kinds of over-the-counter and prescription drugs in her system. But Brittany’s estranged father Angelo Bertolotti never believed that she died of “natural causes” and two years ago he filed a lawsuit against the Coroner’s office to try to get them to turn over hair, blood and tissue samples. Angelo wanted the samples, because the Los Angeles Coroner never tested for poisonous shit. ABC News says that the lawsuit was dismissed last year after Angelo didn’t show up to two hearings. But he somehow got a hold of the samples and had them tested independently by the Carlson Company in Colorado . When Angelo got the results back, he learned that his suspicions were right: something in the milk was poison.
Ten (10) of the heavy metals evaluated were detected at levels higher that the WHO [The World Health Organization] high levels… If we were to eliminate the possibility of a simultaneous accidental heavy metals exposure to the sample donor then the only logical explanation would be an exposure to these metals (toxins) administered by a third party perpetrator with likely criminal intent.
Before Brittany and Simon died, they both suffered from the dizzies, headaches, wheezing, stomach cramps, pneumonia, wheezing and breathing problems, which are symptoms of heavy metal poisoning. (Side note: “Heavy metal poisoning” sounds like the act of forcing someone to listen to Slayer’s 7th album on a loop.) The Examiner says that heavy metals are commonly found in rat poison and insecticides.
With a pipe hanging out of his mouth and a deerstalker hat on his head, Angelo vowed to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING:
“Vicious rumors, spread by tabloids, unfairly smeared Brittany’s reputation. daughter was neither anorexic nor a drug junkie, as they repeatedly implied. I will not rest until the truth about these tragic events is told. There will be justice for Brittany.”
Some are throwing a side-eye at Angelo, because he spent a lot of time in prison for federal drug charges and it’s been reported that he was barely in Brittany’s life. After she went off to heaven to judge virgin angels who can’t drive, he started talking to the media about how he thinks his daughter’s death was shady. Brittany’s mom Sharon, who lived with her at the time of her death, thinks that toxic mold killed her daughter and her son-in-law.
So Brittany could’ve died from toxic mold, “natural causes” or she could’ve been slowly poisoned to death by a murdering whore who also wanted her husband dead. Cue up the “Unsolved Mysteries” theme song and pull Detective La Toya out of retirement, because she’s needed on the case!
I don’t totally regret missing panty pudding-inducing sex vegetable, Carrot Top, on Oprah: Where Are They Now? (via HuffPo) last night, because I spent my Sunday night getting drunk on light beer (which is an impossible feat and requires A LOT of work) while watching the Golden Girls Marathon Channel known as TVLand for hours. But I do regret not programming my DVR to record all things Carrot Top-related, because it’s embarrassing that I, a self-proclaimed Carrotarian who gets the drips from staring at his Doritos-crusted abs, missed a Carrot Top event! For shame!
Anyway, on last night’s Oprah: Where Are They Now?, Carrot Versatile Bottom talked about how he did a Comedy Central Roast once and one of the comics said that he looks like Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis. CT was offended by this, because he doesn’t think he looks that different from when he first started doing comedy. CT told his funniest joke of all time when he said that he hasn’t really had any plastic surgery:
“People think I’ve had plastic surgery — no, it just takes a lot of makeup to make me look good…. I’m sorry that I look good. I don’t think I look anything different than I did when I started [in comedy].”
It’s obvious that hating whores are only throwing shit bombs at Carrot Top, because they’re jealous that they don’t have a face that looks like that of a beautiful woman sculpted out of a sausage cheese log and a body that looks like that of a freckled He-Man doll. I believe CT when he says that he’s never been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel (no, I don’t) and his beauty comes from nature and a bottle of foundation, but let’s compare a picture of him from 1999 and a picture of him from last month anyway.
You know what’s going on here, right? It’s the power of an exquisite eyebrow situation! A stunning pair of eyebrows took Carrot Top from “normal-looking person” to a ginger god who looks like Pennywise in Jackie Stallone drag. So don’t hate Carrot Top for being beautiful, hate his eyebrow threader.
I can’t even lie, I studied this photo Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram of Kanye West speaking at the Harvard School of Design for a sleeping James Franco because it is far more plausible that James could be found in the corner of that stairwell passed out like a stoner version of Where’s Waldo while Kanye talks than the fact that a group is actually listening to him. According to USWeekly, Kanye was at Harvard as part of the “DONDA Design Lecture” series.
“I just wanted to tell you guys: I really do believe that the world can be saved through design, and everything needs to actually be ‘architected.’” he said. “And this is the reason why even some of the first DONDA employees were architects that started designing T-shirts instead of buildings. But just to see the work actually be actualized,”
“If I sit down and talk to Oprah for two hours, the conversation is about realization, self realization, and actually seeing your creativity happen in front of you,” he reasoned. “So the reason why I turn up so much in interviews is because I’ve tasted what it means to create and be able to impact, and affect in a positive way.”
“I believe that utopia is actually possible,” West said before complaining, “But we’re led by the least noble, the least dignified, the least tasteful, the dumbest, and the most political. So in no way am I a politician–I’m usually at my best politically incorrect and very direct. I really appreciate you guys’ willingness to learn and hone your craft, and not be lazy about creation.
I’m sure it took a lot of effort and creative genius to pool together the design resources necessary to architect the fuck out of a $120 plain white tee shirt. There’s also no chance in hell of anything good coming of Kanye and Oprah talking to each other for two hours. Most of us would make it about 26 seconds in that room before the only thing in front of us would be our own two feet as we go at either one of them with a kangaroo kick to the face.
The best part was Kanye saying that only the dumbest, tasteless and undignified of fucks are running the world, and it’s hard to disagree after watching his onstage rant in Boston last night. If you’re not inclined to waste over 6 minutes of your life listening to Deep Thoughts With Yeezus: Autotuned and Angry, the highlights include him saying shit and fuck over and over again while asking the audience what one has to do to prove creativity, all while wearing a mask that may be the internet troll face.
Who doesn’t love a motivational speech that starts with, “They get they panties in such a bunch”?
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
Apparently, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are too busy being stellar human beings to really clue into the backlash of kids following in their actor parents’ footsteps, because Radar is reporting that Maddox Jolie-Pitt may star in a film adaptation of the comic Battling Boy, even though they shot down rumors a few years ago about the same project.
Someone needs to take the time to run all over hell’s half acre to collect the Jolie-Pitts from the four corners of the Earth, sit them down down and tell them the Smith family has effectively gathered up our patience for parent-led stardom, tied it to an Acme rocket and launched it out of the universe. Arguably, there may have been some success with Jaden but if you throw Willow into the mix, he’s pretty much been the Bill Murray to her Chris Elliot if nepotism was the auction in Groundhog Day. Plus, he ended up with a Kardashian which is negative points, right?
Even though Brad has had reservations in the past about putting the child army in movies, that hasn’t stopped Maddox from getting shot in the head in World War Z or Vivienne’s Little House on the Prairie 2.0 run in Maleficent. If they’re going to let any of their kids go into acting, I’m hoping they write a movie for Shiloh called Montenegro Style so once and for all, I can figure out what the fuck that even means.
The article also said that Brad and Maddox’s influence is reflected in the comic, down to some panels where the character’s expression matches some of Mad’s “signature facial expressions”. He’ 12. Don’t all kids that age have the same facial expressions because they hate every fucking thing everybody says and does? Maybe they’re referring to the silent look of terror Maddox gets in his eyes when he sees his mom thumbing through the newest Orphans R Us catalog.
I wanted to marry a whore!! GD Google autocorrect. – sweetas
Sarah Jessica Parker’s senior prom date shares his treasured mementos with Inside Edition. – putsomestankonit
So Hawaii passes gay marriage equality and now 2 days later… Rick Santorum TOLD us this would happen! – Strepsi
True Heart, the family dog of The Heart Family!
In Allison’s post yesterday about how Maddox being grown now is nature’s way of telling us that we’re all one step closer to snorting Benefiber lines off of each other’s prune-y ass cheeks in the “old sluts” wing in Shady Pines, she brought up The Heart Family and that made me think of their furry sheep dog True Heart.
The Heart Family lived in Barbie’s neighborhood and they were supposed to be the perfect family, but those bitches always looked shady to me and I knew they were hiding something. I don’t trust any family who wears matching outfits. The Heart dad looked so much like Ken and the reasonable answer for that is that he WAS Ken but with a different color of paint in his hair. But no, something more sinister was going on. I bet he was Single White Female-ing Ken and he moved his family into Barbie’s neighborhood so that he could easily sneak into her Dream House to sniff her worn panties (which is weird since her worn panties are probably odor-less because she doesn’t sweat and doesn’t have any orifices that leak stuff out) and rub her shoes against his flat crotch. The Heart family mom was a freak too. She was obviously always high on caffeine pills and was a major hoarder of 80s exercise equipment she bought from infomercials. While her husband was out stalking Barbie, she was in the basement weeping while clutching a door knob exerciser.
And those BABIES! Those babies were enormous. Their heads were bigger than their parents’ heads. The dad was too busy sucking off the ends of Barbie’s earrings and the mom was too hopped up on speed pills to notice that their babies were Godzilla babies. I don’t even think they were human babies. They were obviously fully grown pandas in human baby suits.
The only normal ho in that family was True Heart. Even though his eyes are literally two black dots, you could still see the terror in them. I hope True Heart eventually got away from those creepy whores. That’s if those monster babies didn’t eat him first.
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