Every former Miss Kentucky that works at Fox News has most definitely been taking bets in the break room over what “LIBERAL ELITE MOONBAT HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY!” would play her in the upcoming movie about the women of Fox News and how they dealt with Roger Ailes. While I still think Snooki should play Kimberly Guilfoyle (no offense, Snook), we at least know who two Fox alums will be portrayed by. Y’all already knew that Charlize Theron has been rehearsing “Santa is white…get over it” for a while now to get into her part as Megyn Kelly, but now you’ll get to see Nicole Kidman at Gretchen Carlson because, um, I guess if you have glaucoma, those two look alike?
In case you needed any more evidence that Kanye West is as suitable for fashion design as Kim Kardashian is suitable for rocket science, he shared some of his “sketches” on Twitter from his new Yeezy 2019 collection. I put sketches in quotations because: are they? Are they, really?
Seen above looking like she’s taking one quirky shit, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover InStyle’s September issue, and inside she talks to her friend/Jimmy Kimmel Live! co-head writer/Jimmy Kimmel’s wife Molly McNearney to promote her movie Dumplin, where she plays a former beauty queen. Molly and Aniston met through Justin Theroux, and have stayed friends even after she split up with the living and breathing pair of black meggings. Aniston and Molly don’t talk about Justin, but they do talk about how the tabloids and bloggers (for why is everybody looking at me?) continue to paint her as a human pile of uncooked cookie dough who squirts out lonely tears from her crying holes as she clutches her Baby Alive doll while staring at the window and waiting for the stork to bring her a real-life baby of her own. Again, Jen is FINE. She’s not heartbroken and wishes bitches would keep their magnifying glasses out of her womb.
It’s a rite of passage in every young girl’s life. As one passes into her teenage years, it’s time for her to reflect and take stock of her life for the pages of Town & Country magazine. Carys Zeta Douglas, daughter of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas, has just crossed that milestone. It makes me so very nostalgic. I cast my memory back to when I turned 15 and did my T&C spread and remember what an exhilarating and liberating experience it was. Finally, somebody showed interest in my interests, which included trying to put Clan of The Cave Bears back in the exact same spot on the bookshelf so my mom wouldn’t know I was reading it for the dirty parts, and trying to give the dog a purple mohawk using colored hair mousse. Carys has acquitted herself with similar aplomb. In her spread, she revealed that she used to think her dad was a professional pancake maker.
Fresh off from last month’s break-up rumor, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx were seen on a date together at a restaurant in NYC last month, almost as if to say, “Hello everyone, we’re still dating.” In case you didn’t hear it the first time, Katie and Jamie are here to scream: “HEY EVERYONE, look over here!”
Stars, they’re just like us! When they feel crotch tingles, they let their fingers to the walking on the world wide web for a little sweet release. And with the help of modern technology, everybody’s kink can be honed and sculpted to their exact tastes. Some stars you can just look at and know what type of porn their into. George Clooney’s probably into vintage 1930’s era tuxedo porn; Goldie Hawn probably likes German naked wood-nymph stuff. But when it comes to thinking about what gets Tom Cruise’s “meat body” (THE ACTUAL L.RON APPROVED TERM) all hot and bothered, the mind draws a blank in a merciful act of self-protection. According to Indiewire though, Tommy boy didn’t even know internet porn existed until Seth Rogen hipped him to it in 2006.