It turns out there’s one person who isn’t cursing out Sean Penn’s name today. While El Chapo is cursing out his name for accidentally leading Mexican police to his hidey-hole, and the editors at Rolling Stone are cursing him out for his War and Peace-length interview with El Chapo they had to edit, and everyone who read that Rolling Stone interview is cursing him out for the migraine they got after reading that mess, his first ex-wife Madonna was admitting that she still loves him.
Back in October, there were whispers that Cool Mom and Angry Dad were humping on each other again, but I didn’t want to believe it, because nobody is that dickmatized, right? Then we sort of got proof that something was up last night, when Sean showed up to a fundraising event for Haiti with his ex-wife and her kids. And then we knew something was really up when Madonna got on stage and said the L word a bunch of times.
— DrownedMadonna.com (@DrownedMadonna) January 10, 2016
It used to be that seeing the names “Sean Penn” and “Madonna” in the same sentence meant that the story about Sean Penn allegedly getting violent with Madonna at her house had popped up again, which is more than enough reason to want to take Madonna aside and ask “Really? Him? Again?“. But Madonna recently denied that ever happened.
Still, it’s insane to me to think that Madonna is actually willing to take an extended break from banging a regular rotation of nameless 20-year-old dancers. You know you are truly next-level dickmatized when you can look into the face of current-day Sean Penn and your coochie hollers “Clear your schedule and grab some lube – we’re gonna ride that wrinkled walnut ’till the wheels fall off!”
Here’s more of Madonna and Sean Penn and two of Madonna’s kids at Sean’s fundraiser for Haiti last night.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
Somewhere in a maximum-security Mexican holding cell, El Chapo is totally ripping-up this picture of his former Hollywood BFF Sean Penn like an angry teen girl while sobbing “I KNEW I shouldn’t have trusted that shady charbroiled chorizo-looking rat man!”
So, I’m not exactly an expert on what happens after you inadvertently give away the hiding place of an escaped drug kingpin, but I’m guessing that it’s safe to say Sean Penn might want to lay low for a little while. According to the Associated Press, Sean’s recent-ish interview with Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone helped authorities track his ass down at his secret hideout and capture him. If you’re looking for a “You in danger, girl” GIF and can’t find one, it’s because they’re all being sent to Sean Penn right now.
Pia Zadora, the forever pride of the Golden Globes!
Pia Zadora was HSOTD almost 11 years ago and she was HSOTD for being Pia Zadora. But today I’m honoring her for being the most deserving Golden Globes winner in Golden Globes history! By now, everybody pretty much knows the story of how Pia Zadora ROCKED the Golden Globes in 1982 when she won “Best New Star of the Year” for displaying her flawless acting skills in the underrated masterpiece Butterfly. That performance made Pia a multiple-award winning actress, because it didn’t only win her the Golden Globe, it also won her a Razzie, thankyouverymuch.
Pat Benatar (63)
Abigail Clancy (30)
Alex Meraz (31)
Janelle Pierzina from Big Brother (36)
Sarah Shahi (36)
Chris “Daddy Mac” Smith (37)
Cash Warren (37)
Brent Smith (38)
Jemaine Clement (42)
Lyle Menendez (48)
Trini Alvarado (49)
Julie Moran (54)
Evan Handler (55)
Gurinder Chadha (56)
Shawn Colvin (60)
James Lapine (67)
George Foreman (67)
William Sanderson (68)
Rod Stewart (71)
Frank Sinatra, Jr. (72)
It’s currently negative-cold as HELL where I live, so seeing a hot topless trick like Alexander Skarsgard strutting around like a My Size Ken doll is making me feel all sorts of feelings. For one, it’s making my ass jealous of an ass that has feeling in it (mine froze weeks ago). It’s also making me feel hypnotized and sleepy, which is one of the two side-effects of staring into Alexander Skarsgard’s beefy V-muscles. (The second being Increased Risk of Wrist Fracture from aggressive fapping, of course). But mostly it’s making me wish I had the kind of life where killing time means watching a topless Alexander Skarsgard strutting around, like Nick Grimshaw does.
Alexander Skarsgard is currently on vacation with his girlfriend Alexa Chung and a bunch of their friends, one of which is BBC Radio 1 host Nick Grimshaw. Nick filmed a Snapchat video of a half-naked Alex serving up buff dinner roll realness yesterday and released it to those of us who aren’t lucky enough to witness it in person, because Nick Grimshaw is a generous soul who is clearly gunning for sainthood after he dies.
RIP Nick Grimshaw’s inbox. I bet it’s bursting at the seams with emails begging him to be a little more specific about that “He will smash you up” part and requests for a slow-mo edit featuring a close-up shot of those swimsuit laces bouncing off his crotch.
If I had to guess what kind of neighbor toddler-faced model type Miranda Kerr was, I’d say she’s the kind of neighbor you never see or hear (because you don’t become the Van Helsing of billionaire-hunting by hanging around the house all day). But apparently I’d be very wrong. During a recent interview with Net-A-Porter’s The EDIT (via Page Six), Miranda admitted that she’s the kind of neighbor who assaults your ears with construction work and shitty songs. She also admitted that her “So sorry for the noise!” apologies come in the form of gluten-free muffins, something her rude-ass neighbors STILL haven’t thanked her for.
I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.
So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.
TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.
Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.
And no, I’m not talking about those Rode Hard™ by Lindsay Lohan hair extensions she’s wearing in the picture above. At least I don’t think hair extensions are one of the reasons for why Madonna is currently going through some custody shit with her 15-year-old son, Rocco Ritchie. So far, we know that Rocco’s hiatus from the queen of the cool moms might have something to do with Madonna’s Instagram account and that she treated him like a trophy and that her house is a macrobiotic hellhole. Now TMZ is saying that Madonna’s busted relationship with her son has a lot to do with Madonna’s busted relationship with her son’s daddy, Guy Ritchie.
Rocco is currently living with his dad in London, which – according to Madonna – is also the headquarters for Guy’s Madonna Is The WORST club. A source says that Madonna believes that Guy has been talking shit about her to Rocco for years, and that’s the reason Rocco started hating her ass. Madonna and Guy started fighting over Rocco shortly after they called it quits back in 2008, and apparently they continued to drag each other via their kid for the past eight years.
Meanwhile, Madonna took a break from posting throwback pics of Rocco on Instagram to talk about the real-life Not Without My Daughter remake (possible title: I Want Nothing To Do With Ma Donna) happening in her life right now. During a concert in Mexico City on Wednesday night, Madonna targeted the muscles in her face responsible for releasing tears and thanked her fans for giving her strength during a “challenging” time in her life.
Madonna doesn’t get into specifics, but I think we can all assume she isn’t referring to the difficulty of rooting through her external hard drives for more old pictures of Rocco for Instagram.
Speaking of, if you’ve forgotten what current-day Rocco looks like, here he is riding around London with his dad earlier today. I’m not sure why they’re both dressed like they’re on their way to an audition for the part of “two dudes hired by Jez Quigley to steal televisions” on a late-90s episode of Coronation Street, but here we are.
MC Mayara, Brazilian electrofunk artiste and the Camel Toe Princess of Brazil!
Wikipedia tells me that MC Mayara is an electrofunk singer from Brazil who has been in the game since around 2013. MC Mayara put out her video for her song Ai Como Eu To Bandida Dois all the way back in the olden days of August 2015, but it’s never too late to get into a badass camel toe-having super hero who turns men into diamonds and destroys the gay-hating, racist villains of the earth with a pulverizing bolt of purple light that she queefs out of her cooze. Reader Bianca dropped this into my inbox and according to her translation, this song is my new anthem:
The song is mostly about how she’s no one-man girl and she does whatever the fuck she wants. In the “chorus“, she repeats “ai como eu tô bandida” a million times, which loosely translate into “I’m such a ho.” (Bandida is a thief, like in Spanish, which I know you understand a bit, and by understand a bit I mean you know lots of dirty words in Spanish.)
And the video needs to be turned into a Marvel feature-film. What the Marvel universe, or whatever the hell the nerds call it, needs is a strong lady superhero with drag queen sidekicks who is slowly destroying humanity’s problems with her puss rays of peace.
MC Mayara also did a hot cover of the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” with a few other Brazilian singers. So yeah, can we trade Ariana Grande Latte for her?