Nick Cannon Confirms That His Marriage To Mimi Is In The Shit Hole

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Nick Cannon tells The Insider’s Chris Spencer that some of the rumors about the state of his marriage to The Elusive Divorcee are true and some are not. Nick says it’s true that he is living in a different house than Mimi and their marriage is circling the toilet drain. But Nick says that he never passed his dick to a side piece while they were together and neither of them have cheated.

Chris said, “He said ‘yes, [they'r e] going through a rough patch. There’s nothing to do with infidelity.’ He didn’t confirm that it was over, but he did say that they’ve been living separately for a few months now.”

In other words, they hate each other, they don’t want to see each other’s faces and they’ll announce they’re officially done on the same day that she releases the reissue of The Emancipation of Mimi featuring “Shake It Off (The Divorce Remix).

The good news for Nick is that he doesn’t have to spend hours, days and weeks getting that ridiculously fugly “Mariah” tattoo lasered off of his back. It kind of looks like “Marion,” so all he has to do is get a portrait tattoo of Marion Ross from Happy Days under it and his back becomes a beautiful altar to a TV legend!

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Perfect and a total upgrade!

And if you can stand to see another ho do the Ice Bucket Challenge, click here to see Nick doing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do the bleach bucket challenge, because I actually got the tingles while looking at the douche from Love Don’t Cost A Thing without his top on.

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Open Post: Hosted By Papa Joe Bringing FASHION To The Club

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

If “Sex Shooter doesn’t play in Papa Joe’s head when he struts into the club looking like that, he needs to strut back to his car, drive back to his condo, take a good look in the mirror and see the hotness we all see. Because Papa Joe is shooting love, sex and glamour in your direction. Come on play with his affections.

You might not think that following things would look hot together: the sneakers Madonna wears when she wants to be super street, a post-apocalyptic grandma’s shawl vest, oversized black work pants and a luxurious green leather shirt from International Male’s special Christmas catalog in 1985. But those things do look hot together when thrown on Papa Joe’s body. Papa Joe made tips moist and b-holes pucker last night when he flashed a little white belly meat while going to Warwick in Hollywood. This is what you get when you add a mid-life crisis, Jessica Simpson’s credit card and a twinky salesboy who can get a daddy to buy the ugliest and most overpriced crap in the store by saying, “Damn that looks hot on you!”

If Papa Joe’s trying to kill the gay rumors by wearing an outfit that no gay man I know would wear under any circumstance, then it’s kind of working, actually.

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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Mama Tina Weighs In On The Status Of Beyoncé And Jay-Z’s Marriage

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

I felt kind of bad cutting Basement Baby out of the picture, but then I was like, whatever, she’s used to it.

Tina Knowles, the ageless Mogwai goddess who birthed Beyoncé, was leaving lunch in Beverly Hills earlier today when she ran into TMZ. Personally, if I was lucky enough to run into Tina Knowles, I’d ask her a question like: “Do you think The Costume Institute will ever recognize your endless contributions to the fashion world?” or “Did you make Michelle look the worst on purpose?”, but I guess being in the presence of such an avant-garde visionary of neon lace and fringe made them all kinds of starstruck, and their paralyzed brains could only burp out a question about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s crumbling feta cheese of a marriage. According to Momma Yoncé, things between her daughter and Joe Camel aren’t just fine, they’re PERFECT!

Mama Tina must think we have dirty rhinestone dust for brains, because everybody knows that Bey and Jay’s relationshit (typo that stays) is about as stable as Solange in an elevator. So if she’s going to lie, at least exaggerate a little! Tell us things are so good between Bey and Jay, that they’re looking into an experimental surgery where their lips are fused together so they never have to stop kissing, or they’re planning on recording an album that’s just the sound of them staring into each others eyes, or that Beyoncé is pregnant with ten-tuplets and they’ll all be named Shawn Carter. Come on, have a little fun with it, Mama Tina!

Pic: Tumblr

Lindsay Lohan Is Living With An Investment Banker And His Young Kids, So Says InTouch Weekly

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Hmmm, what could ever go wrong?

Bad news for hoteliers and sheiks, Lindsay Lohan is no longer available 24 hours a day for all their escorting needs, because she’s shacking up with one of her regulars. InTouch Weekly says that in between terrorizing London and rehearsing for the play that she’ll drop out of 10 minutes before the first performance after she suddenly gets “the flu,” LiLo met an older investment banker type named Patrick Mahony and he’s moved her into his house where he lives with his two young daughters. The source says that LiLo and her sugar daddy are playing house and she’s really bonding with his daughters. That giant wind storm that just blew through England was from every Child Protective Services social worker sighing, because their case load is about to get heavier.

“She’s living with him. Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her. She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

If this is true, I’m sure it’ll end with LiLo trying to trade his kids for half of an Adderall and a Marlboro Light in the parking lot of a Tesco, but I’m sure they’ll all make beautiful memories together before that happens. Patrick’s daughters will forever remember the time that LiLo gently rubbed their bellies while barking at them in a hushed voice to hurry up and shit out the diamond and gold rings she made them swallow during a “browsing” trip to Cartier.

Here’s the future Stepmother of the Year doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on The Tonight Show last night. I don’t know who nominated her, but I’m guessing it was the CDC, because they figured it was one way to try to get her to take a shower. Well played, CDC!

FYI to the haters out there: LiLo also donated to ALS. She sent them a coupon for 1 complimentary blow job (a $10 value), thankyouverymuch! I’m sure that’s more than your asses donated!

Did Kristen Stewart Really Say That She Can Get Any Role By Snapping Her Fingers?

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

To promote their movie Clouds of Sils Maria, Juliette Binoche and the human equivalent of a crumpled up paper bag full of spray paint fumes had a conversation for the German edition of Interview Magazine. As Celebitchy points out, Juliette Binoche and Kristen Stewart’s talk was translated by a Kristen Stewart fan from the Russian edition of Interview. So the interview was done in English, then translated into German, then translated into Russian, then translated back into English. Or it was translated from KStew’s mumble speak into English, then into Russian and back into English. Whatever the case may be, there was a lot of translating going on and so shit could’ve gotten twisted in translation. But then again this wouldn’t be the first time that KStew has dribbled out a shit nugget of humbleness.

During most of the interview, Juliette and KStew have their lips attached to each other’s asses. KStew only pried her lips off of Juliette’s nalgas to press them against her own ass. Juliette and KStew got into talking about doing big-budget Hollywood movies and indies. KStew hates it when people say you should do one role for yourself and one role for the audience. KStew only does roles for herself (Side note: It shows, bitch, it shows). KStew then redefined the meaning of “humble” by saying that she’s a magical genie and all she has to do is snap her fingers to get a role.

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Martin Lawrence Went On A Romantic Wine Date At A Vineyard

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina, when the hell did I go to a vineyard???” E! News says that Martin Lawrence, the this-makes-zero-sense union between Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence, were spotted two weeks ago on a goopy-sounding date at the Wolffer Estate Vineyard in New York.

“They were there on a date,” the source dished. “They were very low-key, nobody realized who they were.”

“The setting was super-romantic. They watched the sun go down together, then quietly left,” the insider continued, noting that it’s believed the two both sampled wines.

That it’s believed? Oh believe this, you’d know if Jennifer Lawrence had been sampling wine. First of all, JLaw doesn’t “sample”, she guzzles. Second, JLaw left quietly? That means she didn’t “sample” shit. If JLaw had been “sampling” wine, she would have found every set of stairs at Wolffler Estates, fallen down them twice, tried to climb one of the oak casks and ride it like Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove, referred to the Sommelier as a ‘Somalian Pirate’, and passed out clutching a bunch of grape vines she ripped from the ground. So no, she didn’t sample any wine, which means it sounds like the most boring trip to the vineyard ever.

Meanwhile, back at Castle Goopskull, Chris Martin’s older model Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow, was reminding him that she’s still around by nominating him for the ALS ice bucket challenge by having her assistant (who’s name is probably Kevin, but she made him legally change it to something more pretentious sounding like Sébastien) dump a bucket of warm triple-filtered organic dewdrops collected from the petals of freshly-bloomed imported French peonies.

I love how she makes sure to mention that she’s also giving money. “I know a lot of celebrities are just dumping free tapwater on their heads, but I, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, philanthropist and world’s best friend, am also donating money, because I am just ~so~ much better at the ALS challenge than you.”

Video: Instagram

Justin Bieber Finally Shaved Off His Repulsive Rat ‘Stache

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber, the creature you’d get if scientists cross-polinated Kevin McCallister with his asshole older brother Buzz, decided he was done looking like the dirtiest dirtbag in the 7th grade and finally shaved off those disgusting 15 or so hairs that were living on his upper lip. Thank you, Justin Bieber! I no longer have to worry about opening up the internet and seeing pictures of that awful stomach-churning sun-bleached facial hair, which means I can finally stop working with a barf bag beside my computer. #blessed

Justin proved he’s the baddest ass on the playground by Instagramming a video of himself getting to use daddy’s shave cream and a totally-real grown-up razor (not the pretend one that came in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play shave kit) to prove that, yeah, he’s a big boy who shaves his face now. “And guess what? Scooter Braun promised me that later this afternoon he’ll take me to Walgreens and I can pick out a deodorant. U jealous??”

I know Justin and his Joe Dirt Jr. facial hair had a special bond and all, but it really was time to let it go, especially since it doesn’t really fit in with Justin’s new high-class club manager lifestyle. Radar says Justin just rented a home in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t plan on ever moving in his Little Tikes sports car bed or any of his Transformers; he’s using it to get drunk and throw parties. The $29,000/month home has 10 bedrooms, pool, spa, gym, and a night club. The owner of the home tried to sell it, but when nobody bought it, they started renting it out for shows like American Idol and Playboy TV’s Swing (so you know it’s classy as shit).

Anyways, here’s a post-shave Justin Bieber looking like he’s auditioning for the role of Dani Campbell in a Lifetime biopic about Tila Tequila.

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Pics: Instagram

Kim Kartrashian Ruins Everything Including Nick Cannon And Mimi’s Marriage

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, those were the days when Nick Cannon knew his role as a loyal, purse-holding consort and Mimi and her extra plump butterfly lips were in a pink cloud of happiness from having a devoted husband who stood on the sidelines holding her strawberry cheesecake Lip Smackers for her while she basked in the spotlight and got all the attention. Sadly, those days are over and Mimi’s chunky camel toe has deflated with sadness, because her marriage has about as much oxygen left in it as that poor dog did after Mimi put it in the dryer for that legendary episode of Cribs. Mimi and Nick’s marriage is done and today TMZ says that the whore that broke the camel toe’s spirit was humanity’s most destructive skank plague Kim Kartrashian.

Yesterday, Page Six said that Mimi and Nick have been done with each other for a while and they’ve been living in separate places. TMZ says that they’ve been over since May and have already been working with divorce lawyers to divide up their shit and work out a custody agreement for #dembabies. TMZ’s source says that their marriage of 6 years started to shrivel up and die in March when Nick Cannon admitted on Big Boy’s radio show that he fucked Kim Kartrashian. Mimi felt like Nick humiliated her. (I thought she didn’t know what a Kardashian was!) That didn’t stop Nick from spilling out their business some more. He later told Howard Stern that Mimi didn’t let him up into her Hello Kitty until their wedding night, and that didn’t help things.

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Brooke Mueller’s Assistant Says That Brooke Forced Him To Be A Drug Mule And Watch While She Had Sex

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

According to court documents obtained by Radar, Brooke Mueller (aka the craziest of Charlie’s Angels) is being sued by her former assistant, Lior Masaphor, who worked for Brooke from 2012 to 2013. Even though Brooke looks like a blissed-out namaste hippie stoner type, Lior says she’s actually a drug-snorting slave driver. Lior claims that he worked over 130-hours a week and was forced to “engage in repetitive illegal and unsavory actions at the specific instance and request of Brooke Mueller.” Such illegal and unsavory (“unsavory” – how very Dowager Countess of you, Lior) acts included being Brooke’s drug mule, transporting drugs, fetching drugs, babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and/or babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and fucked a pile of people, and watching her drugs while she fucked a pile of people.

Lior also says he wasn’t exactly compensated for his drug-running and child-watching; he was paid $2400 a month, which works out to about $4.47/hour when you’re working 130-hours a week. You’d think that getting paid Tooth Fairy money to watch Brooke Mueller snort crystal meth and tame a bunch of random strange in the middle of the living room while her two kids watch Go Diego Go in the den would be enough for Lior to quit that bitch effective immediately, but he didn’t, because apparently he’s dumber than Brooke Mueller. Eventually he started complaining too much about having to do illegal shit and not-right shit, so she fired his ass. Now he’s suing her for unspecified damages, attorney’s fees, and a court trial.

You don’t have to be Lionel Hutz to know that Lior doesn’t have a leg to stand on here. Yes, Brooke made him do illegal things like making him shove tied-off condoms filled with crack up his ass at the airport and paying him less than he’d make if he worked at Taco Bell, but Lior agreed to be Brooke’s assistant in 2012; that was prime crazy meth-gobbling Brooke Mueller time! Back in 2012, if someone told me that Brooke Mueller was hiring, I would just assume that “drug mule” was in the job description. It was probably right the title of the Craigslist ad! “Very important googly-eyed star-fucker seeks full-time drug mule. I can pay you in Two and A Half Men DVDs.”

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