“Oooh, if you need any help, give me a call. I love a good trademark lawsuit!” texted Taylor Swift to Beyonce.
According to the Daily Mail, a company named Feyoncé Inc has found themselves in some legal trouble with her holiness Beyonce. You see, just like Taylor Swift and many other artists who care deeply about dollars, Beyonce trademarked a bunch of stuff to protect her bank account from people not named Beyonce looking to make a buck off her name. One company in Texas clearly thought they found a loophole and started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” (pronounced like “fiancé“) on it in the same font Beyonce uses. Stuff like mugs, t-shirts, hoodies – basically anything a recently-engaged Beyhive member would buy to use as a prop in one of the 1,293 engagement pictures they’d upload to Facebook.
The other day, an annoying bird-brained creature named Miley Cyrus posted a few pictures on Instagram of the battle wounds that one of her pussies left on her body after attacking her ass. (Miley either didn’t let that puss take a toke of her joint, or she played one of her songs, or that cat was just being a cat.) Well, here’s a video of an annoying bird-brained creature summoning a special date with the Grim Reaper by poking at a cat. This video is like a prequel to those Miley pics.
As that cat calmly lays there, contemplating the different ways its going to torture that bird, the bird pokes and nibbles at that pussy. Somebody should’ve told that bird that there’s a thousand less painful ways to die. You know, like diving into a garbage disposal or slow dancing with a chainsaw. This is NOT the way:
And at the very end of that video, I expected the screen to go black and the words, “In Memory Of That Bird,” to pop up. RIP That Bird. So adorable, yet so dumb.
Prince Hot Ginge is already back home in England after his charity trip to Nepal, but THE PALACE is going to squeeze as much attention out of that trip as possible, so new pictures were released including one of him and another dude handling a long, hard piece of semi-thick cut wood. Yes, that dripping sound you hear is me salivating while writing soft-core porn about a picture of PHG holding a piece of literal wood. You can officially label it as the sound of sad desperation.
When PHG was in Nepal, he assumed the position while pretending to be a tiger and he also visited sites hit hard by the earthquake last year. The Telegraph says that PHG didn’t only visit sites, he also helped rebuild a school and farm in a village that was torn apart by the quake. PHG and other veterans worked with Team Rubicon to lay down the foundation of a classroom and build a new farm with solar panels. Team Rubicon’s director of development claims that PHG wasn’t just there for a photo-op like SOME royals (I’m looking at you, Prince George) and he didn’t pose with the wood for 30 seconds before dropping it to take a helicopter ride to the nearest big city to party with a bunch of drunken tricks. Apparently, he worked and slept there:
“It was very much hands on manual labour – sleeping, eating and working out there with the other vets. Getting very much stuck-in as one of the team.”
Slept there too?! Don’t be surprised if you hear a news story about how a psychotic skinny fat American gay was jailed in Nepal after the people of a small village caught him fucking one of their mattresses. Hey, if you don’t want me fucking your mattress, don’t tell me that PHG slept on it.
Here’s a couple more pictures of PHG doing hard labor as well as pictures of him with the team who will compete for the UK at the Invictus Games in Florida in May.
Modeling panties for Victoria’s Secret is hard work. First, you’ve got to be able to walk a straight line (my clumsy ass is out). Then you’ve got to be able to walk down the runway without your coochie lips making a break for it out the sides of said panties. Not to mention that you’ve got to do it all while wearing one of Lady Gaga’s rejected tour costumes (rejected for not looking busted enough). And according to former Victoria’s Secret Angel Erin Heatherton, you also have to be as skinny enough to fit into a pair of panties the size of a dancer’s foot thong.
Erin, or as Leonardo DiCaprio knows her, Model #6201-4, recently admitted to TIME (via the New York Post) that she was told to drop some pounds after her last two Victoria’s Secret runway shows. So she started working out hard and eating healthy, even though I’m sure Victoria’s Secret was totally willing to send her a tapeworm. “Erin, meet your new best friend, Tapey. You’ll be strutting down that runway to the tune of your own bones jingling like a xylophone in no time!”
Eventually Erin says she got to the point where she came home from a workout and thought about saying “Fuck it” to eating food. She wasn’t able to lose any more weight in time for her final VS show in 2013 (the one you’re looking at above), and shortly after the show, she handed in her wings and quit. TIME says they didn’t get a response from Victoria’s Secret after they asked them about Erin’s story. Well, DUH. Of course they’re not going to blab; it’s called Victoria’s Secret for a reason.
If Erin’s story is true and she was told to start sipping bottles of calorie-free air to get skinny enough for the show, then I think it’s safe to say that Cheryl Tiegs just fell in love.
Tragic news for those of you whose favorite way to feel completely dead inside was to suffer through Khloe Kartrashian diarrhea’ing at the mouth about how she’s never seen white dick and hid under the bed as her pimp mom and then-stepdad pounded each other’s fuck parts raw. After just three months, Kocktails with Khloe (not to be confused with, Kocks in Kim, the one-time special that made all of them famous) has been tossed in a fiery pill in Hell along with Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals and Kim Kartrashian’s original face.
FYI, the basic cable network that aired that trash, is apparently saying that Khlozilla’s shit show is on hold indefinitely (how very Janet Jackson of them), but by “on hold indefinitely” they really mean that it’s never ever coming back. TMZ is hearing (read: PMK whispered a sweet nothing into Harvey Levin’s open ear) that FYI and Khloe both decided that it’s best if they walk away. Khloe wants to do other projects and FYI knows that she’s over it. I’m sure the show getting put down had nothing to do with the ratings, because I’m sure billions of people really wanted to watch a melting wax figure get plastered while talking about her sisters’ pussy situations.
They’ve already shot a few more episodes, so FYI will air them before completely washing their hands of that Kardashi-shit.
Well, since Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna (or should we call her, Angela Kardashian) are now engaged and Keeping Up with the Kardashians just got a whole new story arc, I’m guessing that PMK is going to need her entire stable of hos on deck. Khloe is going to need to shoot an entire episode where she threatens Blac Chyna by putting a cut-open butt implant in Blac Chyna’s bed. PMK is going to need their heads all the way in the game, which will be a feat since their heads are permanently shoved up their Tempur-pedic asses.
And if you’re in the Vail, Colorado area and just heard on the news that a rabid Sasquatch is on the prowl, don’t worry. It’s just Khloe:
Those of us who get the warm fuzzies for some public cheater drama got a real treat last week courtesy of Ho Hall of Fame Legend Karrine “Superhead” Steffans and former Scandal star Columbus Short. Superhead threw Columbus’ alleged cheating ass (as well as most of his clothes) out and documented it on Instagram. And now things have gotten even more dramatic.
Janet Jackson Has Pressed Pause On Her Tour (Again) Because She’s Knocked Up, Or Trying To Get Knocked Up
So I guess Janet Jackson’s “Unbreakable” world tour is pretty damn breakable after all, because she announced early this morning that the second leg of it isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Janet said in a video message that she needs to step away so that she and her billionaire piece husband Wissam Al Mana can make a family. 49-year-old Janet didn’t say if she’s currently got a CASE OF THE BABIES or what, but she did say that she needs to rest per doctor’s orders. Some think that because she’s about to turn 50, she either got pregnant via IVF or is about to start IVF. Miss Janet promised that the tour will pick up again, but her fans shouldn’t exert themselves by holding their breaths, because if she coochie burps out a baby, the postponements won’t stop. You know how people (even people with a team of nannies) are. She’s going to postpone again when little LaToya Jr. (I’m assuming that’s what she’s going to name it) gets a cough, can’t sleep, wants to go see the new Cars movie, etc…
JJ’s first tour in four years opened last August, and problems started almost out of the gate. She postponed shows in October due to “medical reasons” and she postponed more in December, because she needed surgery. There was a rumor that she had cancer, but she shit on that rumor. In January, she postponed more dates, including a bunch of dates in Europe. Page Six said at the time that the dates were canceled because nobody bought tickets. Well, JJ has postponed the rest of the dates, because of her baby situation. Here’s the message she tweeted to her fans this morning:
A message from Janet…https://t.co/KrzYZ4eyvD
— Janet Jackson (@JanetJackson) April 6, 2016
So, let’s see this… This baby is going to have a billionaire daddy AND it will be able to call La Toya Jackson its auntie? Hmmm… I’ve come up with a way that Janet can still be a mother to a newborn-acting human and continue on with the tour. If she really wants to take care of a human who is barely coherent, pisses on itself all the time, is needy, hates walking and drools, she should just adopt me! It’s a perfect solution. Although, I have just one request. I need to be breastfed…by her hot billionaire piece.
Last week, we learned that Iggy Azalea and her L.A. Lakers fiance Nick Young weren’t in a good place. A video filmed by Nick’s teammate D’Angelo Russell (and maybe leaked by an out-for-revenge Nicki Minaj) appeared on the internet of Nick admitting that he cheated on Iggy with a 19-year-old girl. Since the word “cheating” gets worse when you add the words “with a 19-year-old“, it made sense to assume that it was only a matter of time before Iggy canned her wedding.
Ok class, welcome to the first day of training for Goopy’s next round of high end beauty treatments. Let me outline what’ll be expected of you… – Jedeva
Michael and Dina Lohan are a little late to be taking parenting classes, don’t ya think? – Shadeball
Mrs. Robertson (as played by Regina Daye Allen) from American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson!
The grand finale of John Travolta’s Wig Brows (featuring the O.J. Simpson trial) aired last night, and I was hoping that they’d completely say “fuck it” to facts. I was hoping that they’d end it with O.J. being found guilty, Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden celebrating their victory by finally fucking on top of the desk as a chorus of Dancing Itos kicked around them, and Robert Kardashian snapping and deciding that he’s done with L.A. and is moving all of his children to a rural town in Armenia where they’ll be fig farmers forever (and civilization would be spared from Pimp Mama Kris’ koven).
But Ryan Murphy and company decided to go with accuracy, for some strange reason. I’ve said this before in another American Crime Story post, but the one thing I remember most about the O.J. verdict is the clerk chopping up his name as she read his fate. At first, the clerk dribbled out the name “Oran-jawl” instead of “Orenthal” before announcing him not guilty, and after she read the verdict, I thought to myself, “But she fucked up his name! That’s grounds for a mistrial, right? Redo! Redo!”
So during last night’s final episode, I waited and waited to see if they’d include the really important screw-up. If they didn’t, then the entire series was a lie and nothing in it could be trusted. But the actress who played Mrs. Robertson flawlessly executed the name fuck-up heard around the world. I don’t have a clip of the Emmy-worthy recreation of the flub, but here’s the original:
In my mind, the clerk screwed up, because she couldn’t believe that the jury only took 4 hours to decide and she wanted to say, “Oran-j’all disgusted with yourself for this verdict?!“