After Sex and the City Number Two was called out as a sequined dried turd by most critics and became a Razzie award winner, the show’s creator and the director of the movies Michael Patrick King said that they had one more
bowel movement movie in them and I took that to mean that he really wanted a bigger summer house in the Hamptons.
Even though the second SATC movie, which splattered onto screens in 2010, was a flop in the hearts of many fans and was offensive on every level, it still made almost $300 million worldwide. So of course those bitches have another story to tell. Jennifer Hudson says that story may be told soon, because someone recently talked to her about a third movie. During an interview with Dish Nation (via E!), JHud spilled this:
“I think it might be [happening]. Somebody just came to me talking about that. So if it’s in the talks, it might happen. So look out for your girl Louise from St. Louis.”
In the file folder labeled “Final SATC movie” in Michael Patrick King’s head, I hope there’s a plot summary in there that reads: “The SATC hos watch Rojo Caliente eat an orange for 2 hours straight.” Now THAT is the only SATC movie I want to see.
But really, we all know what the FINAL SATC story is. They all retire and move into a small, three bedroom tract home in Miami and when they’re not getting into hijinks, they’re laughing over
cosmos cheesecake in the kitchen. Carrie will be played by a Bea Arthur hologram, Samantha will be played by a Rue McClanahan hologram, Miranda will be played by an Estelle Getty hologram and Charlotte will be played by a Betty White hologram (the real Betty White doesn’t want any part of that shit).
And does Sarah Jessica Parker really need MORE money? Look at this trick in NYC the other day. She was out for a casual gallop and found a check for $4,700 on the sidewalk. Money just falls at her hooves!
The crack blister clinging to humanity’s lip was hit with a lawsuit yesterday by the dental technician who claims he punched her chest and grabbed her chichis while he was fucked up on crack and nitrous oxide. So basically, Charlie Sheen allegedly pulled a Charlie Sheen.
On Thursday, TMZ burped a story about how the LAPD were investigating a complaint from a dental technician who says that the cracked out grandpa zombie got violent with her and later pulled a knife on his dentist during a visit to get an abscess in his mouth removed. Charlie Sheen’s lawyer Marty Singer immediately shat on the story and said that the tech is out for revenge, because she was fired for violating HIPAA laws by telling her son that Charlie Sheen was in her office. The dentist also told TMZ that Charlie never pulled a knife on him and the tech is spilling lies.
The tech, Margarita Palestino, is sticking with her story and is suing Charlie for the emotional distress she suffered after he assaulted and sexually battered her. Can we also join the lawsuit, because I’m pretty sure most of us are suffering from emotional distress after looking at that picture of him above.
Simon, the “fuck this” cat who is all of us Monday mornings. Hell, who is all of us most mornings.
Simon the cat’s human tried to do something that I’ve seen a few humans try to do and fail miserably at. Simon’s owner tried to get his cats to be dog people by taking them for a walk on a leash. Some cats and leashes go together like Charlie Sheen and nitrous oxide or like butt sex and prunes. It’s not a pretty sight. Sam’s sibling, the ginger cat, went along with it (because ginger cats are chill), but not Sam. Sam is not the kind of pussy who likes being leashed down. As Sam’s human dragged him along the grass like a deflated Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, silent rage and vengeance filled him.
That is a level 10 Garfield-approved Mondays face if I ever saw one. You should blow up a still of Simon’s face in this video, print it out and tape it to your face before you go into work on Monday, because his face will perfectly capture your feelings.
After this video went viral (because every single cat video on YouTube goes viral), some people screamed “PUSSY ABUSE” and threatened to call CPS (Cat Protective Services), the ASPCA, Annemarie Lucas, Jackson Galaxy, the FBI, President Obama and Nancy Grace (they’re wasting their time by calling Nancy Grace because she would only care if Simon was a white girl cat). Simon’s human defended themselves in a comment on Happy Place. His human says no cats were harmed in the making of this video.
These are my two cats, Simon and Wash. I have seen some people upset by the video and I wish they didn’t feel that way. Both of my cats are wearing a harness specifically made for cats. The leash attaches at their shoulderblades and is designed so that there is no pressure exerted on the neck. It’s very similar to a helicopter harness where the weight is mostly supported at the armpits. The straps are fairly wide. The grass is healthy and is a low-friction surface, in my opinion.
This is the second time that I’ve taken them to this park and they live indoors, so I think that has a lot to do with the way Wash slinks around. Any time that I put something on Simon (like his Stegosaurus costume) he falls over like this and pouts.
I do not think either of them were in any distress and I apologize to those of you who are upset by this video, but I love both of my cats very much and would be heartbroken if they got hurt. River, Simon’s sister, died about a year ago and I cried like a baby for a day.
I’m with the people screaming, “CALL THE AUTHORITIES!” The authorities should be called, but only because they need to have a team of paramedics standing by and waiting to rush over to Simon’s human’s house. Because soon, Simon will get his revenge and when he does, it’ll be the kind of massacre that’ll make us all say, “Lux who?” That revenge face isn’t a threat!
Liev Schreiber (47)
Dakota Johnson (25)
Kimmie Meisner (25)
Lil Mama (25)
Melissa Benoist (26)
Lena Katina, formerly of t.A.T.u. (30)
Rachael Leigh Cook (35)
Alicia Silverstone (38)
John Melendez (49)
Micky Ward (49)
Jon Secada (53)
Chris Lowe (55)
Bill Fagerbakke (57)
Russell Simmons (57)
Christoph Waltz (58)
Tcheky Karyo (61)
Armand Assante (65)
Stephen Gyllenhaal (65)
Linda McMahon (66)
Susan Sarandon (68)
Anne Rice (73)
Jackie Collins (77)
George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s wedding pictures are in Vanity Fair Italia too. We should all just make peace with the fact that every time we open up any magazine, newspaper, pamphlet or catalog, George and Amal’s OMGSOHAPPYSOINLOVE faces will be staring back us. Their goddamn wedding pictures will terrorize us forever – Lainey Gossip
Why can’t George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin be as understated, non-fame whorey and modest as German diamond Micaela Schaefer? – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Supreme bitch Charlize Theron is sucking the soul out of SoulCycle – Celebitchy
Laura Jeanne Poon’s American citizen ass is in yoga pants, if that’s what your eyes need today – The Superficial
Twit and Twat are making their grand return to reality TV and by “grand” I mean the opposite of that – Reality Tea
I think I just had a staring contest with Jessica Simpson’s nipples and I’m pretty sure they lost – WWTDD
Yeah, that’s what Brad Pitt said too, bitch! – Towleroad
I see that JLo is taking fashion tips from Bratz dolls now – Hollywood Tuna
David Lynch threatens you with a good time (and more Log Lady) – Pajiba
In the House of Goopy, the words “Jennifer Lawrence” are as dirty and forbidden as the word “carbs” – ICYDK
If my chihuahua knew how to watch videos, he’d roll his eyes at this silly chihuahua playing with bubbles – The Berry
Emmy Rossum’s eye make-up sort of makes her look like she’s got vagina eyes – Popoholic
QUICK! Grab the RAID, dead spiders are attacking Naya Rivera’s eyes – Moe Jackson
That’ll do, Kimmel, that’ll do – Popsugar
RIP Dallas 2.0 - Just Jared
Vanessa Hudgens has period hair now – HuffPo
The Rock is starring in Baywatch: The Movie and I’m not sure what to do with that information – SOW
Is this how Rumer Willis was made? – Jezebel
Yeah, this isn’t really a “slip.” Because when you mix together a satin summer nightgown, unsupported titty bags, 10 glasses of Chardonnay and a group of paparazzos screaming, “Show us your nips,” someone is going to get an eyeful of your chichis.
Pamela Anderson, the elegant rose that we need, but don’t deserve, took her 47-year-old ass to Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood last night and she really brought some much-needed class to that dump by wearing what she and I would call a “church dress” and what everyone else would call lingerie. Never mind those dreadful prom shoes or that parched fall (which is totally attached to that headband), Pamela’s over-plucked eyebrow situation is as on point as her ability to make sure these pictures get in the Daily Mail by flopping her tit out.
And if you’re looking for something that wholly captures your feelings about that picture, (NSFW) click here to see a dude screaming, “MOOOOOM, STOP!” with his body language. You’ve probably seen Pamela’s nipple at least 10 million times, but if you need to see it once more, the uncensored version of that pic is in the gallery.
Last night, a YouTube clip of pimp-mom-in-training Kim Kartrashian walking to a van in Paris without North West made the rounds and some think she forgot her kid in her hotel. In the clip, Kummy Cakes, who looks like a rotting cranberry cream cheese log that was nibbled on by worms, does the pap walk to her van, stops for a second and makes a checklist in her head. “10 Louis Vuitton suitcases full of Spanx? CHECK! A trunk with my back-up silicone ass in it? CHECK! Kanye’s breast chafing cream? CHECK! Hmmm, what else? What else? Um, whatshername? SHIT!” Kim strolls back into the hotel and gets North West who was obviously hiding under a sofa while wishing that the weird plastic lady would forget her so she can grow up in that hotel and be raised by mice.
So some think Kim almost drove off to the airport without North. But the fame whore doth protest. Kim queefed up a denial on Twitter after she heard the BREAKING NEWS STORY on the radio (read: She watched the video 25 seconds after it was posted on YouTube while North West tried to escape from Pimp Mama Kris’ lair through Khloe’s doggy door):
Heard on the radio today some story I forgot my daughter at our hotel as I’m leaving for the airport. Are you kidding me?!?!?! LOL I went to the car to make sure the car seat was in because the day before we had a car seat issue. Do u guys really think a 1year old would be inside the lobby by herself!Oh wait she was waiting to check out lol
Some bitches are so ridiculous. Like Kim would really forget her baby. Kim would never forget her must-have fashion accessory of the season! Kim was just doing what she learned from the fame whore master. She did one solo pap stroll before doing another stroll with her living, breathing fashion accessory. Pimp Mama Kris taught her well. But I’m sure she’ll forget North in a hotel next season when babies are out as fashion accessories and albino parrots are in.
Kate Winslet Says The Reason She’s Still Friends With Leo DiCaprio Is Because She Never Humped On His DiCrotchrio
Kate Winslet and the booty bounty hunter Leo DiCaprio have been friends for a million years, which always felt sort of odd to me, since it was my impression that Leo has a strict hump-and-dump policy when it comes to the ladies in his life. Well, Kate recently explained to Marie Claire UK (via HuffPo) that that is exactly the reason why they’re still friends. You can’t dump what you never humped! Leo never plunged his iceberg into the hull of Kate’s ship, and he never will! And yes I just made a Titanic joke in 2014; pray for me.
“I think the reason that friendship works is because there was never any romantic thing. It’s so disappointing for people to hear that, because in the soap opera of the Kate and Leo story we fell in love at first sight and had a million snogs, but actually we never did. He always saw me as one of the boys. I’ve never really been a girly-girl.”
Let’s just address the most important part of that quote: SNOGS. The most wonderfully British word ever created! I just pictured Leo and Kate “snogging” in a double-decker bus pulled by Prince Harry, Chummy from Call The Midwife, and a corgi in a top hat and monocle, as a chorus of come-to-life newspaper-wrapped bundles of fish and chips sang “My Heart Will Go On”.
But there’s a reason Leo and Kate never fucked, and it has nothing to do with her being “one of the boys”. I’m sure Leo would love to have sex with Kate, but it’s his dick that’s the problem! Leo’s Pants Wolf of Ball Street (his dick, in case you didn’t get that) only gets hard for bony blonde panty models. He could take a million Viagras and it still wouldn’t do a damn thing. Years of banging Victoria’s Secret models have conditioned his penis to remain soft until it smelled the overpowering scent of strawberry-vanilla body spray or until it hears Lukas Haas say the magic words (“Leo would like you to leave the angel wings on, actually”).
Nicholas Sparks, the bestselling author of The Notebook who has made millions writing about the struggles of pretty straight white people in the south, has been labeled a bigot by the former headmaster of a school he and his wife Catherine founded and funded. Saul Hillel Benjamin claims that Nicholas Sparks’ biggest crime isn’t writing Nights in Rodanthe (yes, I just publicly admitted to reading it), it’s being a gay-hating, racist anti-Semite.
Saul said he started running the Epiphany School for Global Studies in North Carolina in 2006. He also worked for The Nicholas Sparks Foundation. The Guardian says that in a 47-page complaint, Saul accuses Nicholas Sparks of discriminating against students among other things. Saul says that 2 out of 514 students at the school were black and when he complained to Nicholas about it, Nicholas shat this out: “Black students are too poor and can’t do the academic work.” Nicholas chewed him a new asshole when Saul met with members of the NAACP to introduce the school to black parents whose kids might’ve applied if they felt welcomed. The lawsuit also alleges that when Nicholas found out that a group of students were planning a “homo-caust” (side note: THE FUCK?!) against bullied gay students, he gave it his gold seal of approval.
Excuse me, but I need to take a moment to try to locate my brain. It read the words “Katherine Heigl” and “sex scene” and just NOPE-d the fuck out my skull and ran as fast as it could down the street. Apparently my brain doesn’t want to imagine Mommie Dearest getting her pretend hump on?
The human version of a charley horse Instagrammed a picture of herself filming a sex scene for the new NBC show State of Affairs yesterday, and it looks like they all really like her and totally don’t hate working with her (I see you, Katherine Heigl’s PR person) because UsWeekly says they all decided to make Katherine feel a bit more comfortable by going topless with her. Who knows if they chose to do it on their own of Katie pulled a Lindsay Lohan and DEMANDED they get nekkid too, but they all look pretty happy to air out their man-nips.
And for those of you, like my brain, who got scared that this was a picture of Katie filming a crowd-funded porno called Knocked Up 2: Knocked Up By 4 Dudes or 27 Inches, she assures you IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. Katherine captioned the pic:
“Nope I haven’t gone into the adult film business…just having a little fun w/ my amazingly supportive crew who shed their shirts in solidarity!! Love you all!!”
If I were one of those guys, my biggest fear would be that someone would accidentally get Katherine Heigl’s coffee order wrong (“I SAID EXTRA HOT!!!“), which would cause her to flip out and go on a rabid bitch rampage and rip one my nipples off with her teeth. I hope NBC has good accidental nipple loss coverage.