And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!
Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…
A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.
At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):
And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.
If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”
It was an insanely bad idea to hold the chili eating contest immediately before the chicken fights. – citizenstrange
When His laxative kicked in, Lee knew this would be His first and last invite to a pile on. – nightflyer001
Freezy Freakies, the magical gloves from the 80s that broke young minds when they revealed hidden images in the cold!
I didn’t hear about Freezy Freakies (which sounds like the name of a group of swingers who like to fuck outside during wintertimes) until I was already a grown person. I told a friend about how much I wished that Hypercolor would make a comeback and she laughed before saying that Hypercolor wasn’t as nearly as magical as Freezy Freakies. Let the record show that Hypercolor was, is and always will be the magical color-changing king of the 80s. But anyway…
Freezy Freakies were born in the 80s and they were snow gloves that used a HIGHLY advanced special magical ink that changed color with the temperature. The ink would stay invisible at room temperature and show up in the cold, like Hypercolor, but in reverse. My friend said that she and her friends used to lick them to bring the color out faster. I threw her a side-eye of judgement for that while remembering how I used to fart on my Hypercolor t-shirt to bring out the color faster.
They originally only came in kid sizes and when the greatest decade in the 20th century went away, so did Freezy Freakies. BUT earlier this year, the souls of 80s kids who grew up in the cold were covered with a thick layer of icy happiness when Freezy Freakies announced its return! You can now buy a pair of Freezy Freakies and they come in adult sizes for the first time in history.
Now all I need is for Hypercolor to come back and make crop sweaters. When I pair a Hypercolor crop sweater with some Freezy Freakies, snow boots, a scarf and shorty shorts, I’ll have the perfect Southern California winter ensemble!
Prince Hot Ginge (31)
Chelsea Kane (27)
Jenna Marbles (29)
Heidi Montag (29)
Ben Schwartz (34)
Dave Annable (36)
Sophie Dahl (38)
Tom Hardy (38)
Queen Letizia of Spain (43)
Josh Charles (44)
Dina “White Oprah” Lohan (53)
Dan Marino (54)
Lisa Vanderpump (55)
Tommy Lee Jones (69)
Oliver Stone (69)
Jessye Norman (70)
Let it be known that inhaling massive amounts of baby wipes fumes fucks with your brain and messes you up. Case in point: Terrence Howard’s interview with Rolling Stone.
To promote the second season of Empire, Terrence let Rolling Stone into his Chicago penthouse and he also let the craziness fly. Terrence talked to Rolling Stone’s Erik Hedegaard about everything from his messed up childhood (his dad went to prison for killing a dude while waiting in line to see Santa) to how he got Robert Downey Jr. the Iron Man job (yes, he’s still mouth farting about that) to his history of beating women. Terrence admits to slapping his first wife a couple of times, including in front of their children, and says that he “accidentally” hit his second wife Michelle Ghent. Terrence lives in that Chicago penthouse with his third “wife” Mira Pak and their son. At the time of the interview, Mira paid the rent on the penthouse, because he was battling Michelle in court for a piece of his Empire money, so his checks from Fox were being held for garnishment. Mira and Terrence were also secretly divorced when Rolling Stone came to visit, but they were pretending to be married. That’s not even the weirdest thing about Terrence’s life.
Terrence starts the interview by saying that he took the role of Lucious Lyon on Empire, because everyone already sees him as a douche, so he may as well play one. Terrence is hoping that he’ll make enough money from Empire to retire from acting and move to the suburbs where he’ll spend his days continuing to perfect his own theory of logic called Terryology. We already knew that Terrence Howard is a lady-beating gaping asshole of the tenth degree, but I don’t think any of us knew that he’s a mathematical genius.
Every desperate, try hard fame whore who is parched for attention just punched themselves in the head, because they wish their brain would’ve come up with this act of fuckery.
67-year-old Jerry Casale of Devo (Yes, the “Whip It” band) got married to his 26-year-old piece Krista Napp on Friday, which was 9/11, and somebody thought it would be hilarious to do a 9/11 theme at his reception. Imagine if they got married on the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. TMZ posted pictures from that mess. Jerry and his young piece of a wife had a World Trade Center wedding cake, they gave out box cutters as party favors and their place settings looked like this:
Most weddings are awful, but at least you can always look forward to free booze and delicious cake. So imagine being at that Devo dude’s wedding and finding out that the cake is of the Twin Towers? I mean, if you’re going to have a Twin Towers cake, at least make it look good. That Twin Towers cake makes that period turd cake look delicious by comparison.
Just when I think that the planet’s supply of WTFness is depleting and we’ve seen it all, TMZ gives us a story about how the Devo dude had a 9/11-themed wedding. But Jerry, who once had a solo project called “Jihad Jerry & the Evildoers,” tells TMZ that the cake and party favors weren’t his idea at all. His friend gave him the cake, because the friend thought they got married on 9/11 on purpose.
“I got married on 9/11 by chance, because it was the last Friday I could get married before my marriage license application expired. So I got married at the Beverly Hills courthouse and had a small dinner with 20 friends at Michael’s. And one of the friends surprised me with the cake and place setting. It’s because they thought it was really macabre that I was getting on 9/11 and I said, ‘No, it’s just arbitrary and Krista and I are the twin towers of love.’ You know, making a joke about love conquering all. We called ourselves the twin towers of love. And so, here comes the surprise, and everybody ate the cake.”
Um, the Devo dude does know what happened to the twin towers he’s comparing his marriage to, right? And like me, you probably looked at that top picture and screamed, “Vicki Lawrence, you mess! Why are you partaking in that foolery?“
Elizabeth Olsen’s vagine became the object of Tumblr’s jealousy a few months ago when UsWeekly said that it was getting several servings of the Hiddleston dick. A couple of months later, pictures came out of Elizabeth hiding her face while leaving a restaurant in London with Tom Hiddleston and other sources said that they have gone from fuck buddies to something a little more serious. But while promoting I Saw The Light at TIFF, Elizabeth made it clear that she and Tom aren’t a thing, so all you Hiddlestoners can stop sending her death threats. Besides, sending death threats to Elizabeth Olsen is not a good idea, because she’ll just forward them to the Trollsens who will skin you alive and use your hide to make a $4,600 purse.
Refinery 29 asked the Other Olsen about I Saw The Light, but nobody really cares about that shit, so they got to talking about if she’s boning Tom Hiddleston on the regular or not.
There have been a lot of links between you and Tom Hiddleston, about you two dating. I don’t know if that’s something you confirm, but how do you feel —
“I mean, we definitely are friends and we’ve known each other for about four years. And we happened to be at a restaurant at a wrong time having dinner. We all go out to dinner.”
How do you react when you see that in the press?
“Well, apparently, I’m dating Chris Evans, and apparently, I’ve dated Jeremy Renner, so I guess that… I don’t react to it.”
So you’re not dating Tom?
“No. I mean people can think what they want to think.”
I believe her. If she was seriously dating Tom, she probably would’ve taken him to the tree trunk house at the edge of the bridge to meet her sisters and during that meeting, the life in his eyes would’ve flickered out as he watched Mary-Kate and Ashley make out with their dudes at the dinner table. Tom doesn’t look dead inside in these pictures from TIFF, so I’m guessing he’s never met the Trollsens. And Elizabeth’s right. We can think what we want to think. So I’m just going to tell myself that Elizabeth is a three-way beard and she’s bearding for Tom, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner who are secretly dating each other. Thanks for the tip, Lizzie!
And here’s Tom at a TIFF press conference for High-Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Luke Evans today.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Lindsay Lohan dribbled out a rambling rant about 9/11, Michael Jackson, PETA, TMZ, Oprah, the #UnitedNations and I don’t even know what else on Instagram. It is the bad shit-induced essay that launched a thousand WTFs. It reads like a monologue from True Detective. That’s how confusing it is – IDLYITW
Ellen Page’s girlfriend is giving me “mash-up of Kim Gordon and Cate Blanchett” – Lainey Gossip
Bravo ‘s three-part Real Housewives of New Jersey prison special starring the Giudices is incomplete without clear shots of her looking like a wreck in prison – Reality Tea
CAUTION: Do not make the same mistake I made by eating while scrolling down to the picture of the pedo salamander known as Tyga smiling while next to his plastic child piece. Your food will end up on the desk in front of you and your stomach will hate you – Celebitchy
Burning Man looks like hell on earth and not even Susan Sarandon done up like a bride on LSD could make me change my mind about that – Drunken Stepfather
Subway got a serious complaint about Subway Jared’s pedo ways a long time ago – The Superficial
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp are still posing for photographers at film festivals. Johnny Depp looks happy about it – Popoholic
This little girl is scared of her shadow and now that she’s pointed it out, she’s right. Shadows are pretty scary – The Berry
Kim Davis has everyone’s dream job. She’s getting paid a good chunk of money to sit in her office and watch Netflix and porn all day – Towleroad
In THIS BITCH news: Matt Damon cut off a black filmmaker to school her on diversity in films – Jezebel
And here’s a candidate for the title of Most Perfect Dog in the World – Hollywood Tuna
Panty Creamer of the Day: Alex Petmyfur gets almost naked for Mario Testino – Just Jared
Chris Hardwick is getting married to Lydia Hearst. Remember when he was dating Jacinda from The Real World: London? – Pajiba
Disney is making a sequel to Mary Poppins and the only thing I have to say about that is: Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, chim chim cher-WHYYYYYYYYYY? – The Hollywood Reporter
Watching Peaches suck off Margaret Cho’s knit dick is just what I needed on this Monday – OMG Blog
Justin Bieber will have Gwen Stefani’s exact hairstyle in 3..2.. – Popsugar
Speaking of, Daniel Day-Lewis’ 20-year-old son looks like a butch Justin Bieber – Boy Culture
The makers of Game of War apparently paid Mimi’s chichis 7 figures to replace Kate Upton’s chichis in their ads, and it looks like they made her work hard for that money. They may have gotten her to do something I didn’t think was possible in this world. They may have gotten her to run for a second. I thought I’d see a real-life unicorn or Michelle Duggar go-go dancing on a Planned Parenthood float in the Suffrage Parade before I saw Mimi running in the year 2015.
The Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Empress is in the commercial for a quick second and she spits out some lines before running off into the distance. Rich at Gawker made a GIF of this miraculous event:
HAHAHAHAHA. That waddle. And I thought I looked like a constipated penguin with an egg between its legs when I ran. But really, I’m guessing that one of three things is happening here:
1. They CGI’d Mimi’s face onto the face of a body double who knew that if Mimi were to run, she would run like she doesn’t know how to run. It wouldn’t surprise me if her run was made with CGI, because it looks like they also used that Promise of a New Day stretching tool on her body.
2. Mimi is sitting on the shoulders of a little person who is doing the running.
3. An assistant screamed, “Sanrio is having a sale over here!”, off camera, which made her ass run like she’s never run before.
I’m going to go with either 1 or 2, because if she actually did her own running, her publicist would have announced that she has canceled all of her scheduled events for the rest of the year, because she’s checked into a spa in Malibu to be treated for extreme exhaustion.