File Under “Potential Lifetime Movie”: One Of Taryn Manning’s Friends Turned Into Her Stalker

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

“You let me know if you want me to drop this dildo-looking microphone and start carrying a prison shank instead” – the owl tattooed on her shoulder.

Taryn Manning, who you may know from OITNB as the crazy meth-mouthed hillbilly Pennsatucky or from her career-defining Oscar-nominated (I WISH) role as Mimi the knocked-up trailer park princess in Crossroads, has pressed charges against a former friend who she claims has been getting a little too Alex Forrest-y with her. Page Six says that Lindsay Lohan’s cleaned-up cousin went to the police after being bombarded by hundreds of texts and emails from her former friend Jeanine Heller. A judge released Heller without bail, but issued an order of protection that prevents Heller from contacting Taryn, Taryn’s mom Sharon (Sharon and Taryn sounds like a mother-daughter stripper act in Reno), or the family dog Penguin. You hear that, Jeanine? STOP TEXTING PENGUIN. He doesn’t want to deal with your shit.

The judge told Jeanine to knock it off with the texting, but her fingers are so used to going all non-stop Sonic the Hedgehog on her Blackberry (yes she has a Blackberry. Sending hundreds of texts and emails requires a keyboard. But also because those roots say “I’m kinda on a budget”). She really needs to find an activity to keep those tap-happy fingers busy. I suggest she put her fingers to work by hooking up with a laptop and doing some research to find out whatever happened to that star on Taryn Manning’s face.

Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.

Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!

Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.

No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.

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Behold, A Stunning And Gorgeous Portrait Of Prince William

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Welsh artist Dan Llywelyn Hall should be the only artist allowed to paint the portraits of the British royal family, because he really uses his paintbrush to capture the beauty, spirit and charisma of the royals. Dan’s portrait of THE QUEEN was praised as an artistic achievement, because he made her look like George Bush in drag holding in a butt queef. Nobody thought that Mr. Hall could top himself, but he did. He’s done it again!

Dan Llywelyn Hall, who will probably be executed by the royal family any day now, unveiled his portrait of Prince William and surprisingly it’s not titled, “Smellin’ Farts.” The portrait titled “Fatherhood” shows the second-in-line to the throne looking like he’s about to lick a window or catch a fly with his mouth. It’s absolutely stunning. Mr. Hall made Prince William look like a misshapen and melting white yam with rosacea and skid mark eyebrows. Prince William looks so powerful and so regal and he’s staring off into the distance while thinking to himself, “Durrrrrrrrrrrrr.” It’s as if he’s pondering his future as the King of England or like he just got a glimpse of Duchess Camilla’s thong as her dress blew up.

My only problem with this portrait is that he’s got way too much hair and not enough teef. The hair to teeth ratio is way off and needs to be reversed. Other than that, it’s the spitting image of Prince William and it should be made into a flag and that flag should be flown above Buckingham Palace.

Here’s more of Prince William’s perfect portrait and pictures of him and Duchess Kate at Wimbledon yesterday.

Pic: Wenn.com

Demi Lovato Might Have Said “Bye Bitch!” To Selena Gomez Over Twitter

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

No, you’re not looking at a picture of the Jenner ghouls celebrating after another successful contract negotiation at Lucifer’s office in Hell (because everybody knows those tricks can’t take a picture without Pimp Mama Kris popping out of nowhere to photobomb it with her busted earthworm nose). It’s actually Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez during happier times before Demi decided to pull a Jewel and “tenderly undo” their friendship.

Hollywood Life says that on Wednesday, the love child of Shreeky and Beastly from Care Bears declared her friendship with Selena Gomez was officially as dead as the fried ends of her weave by unfollowing her on Twitter and confirming that, no bitch, it wasn’t a mistake, by posting this picture immediately afterwards:

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Shortly after tweeting her passive-aggressive air kiss to Selena, she must have looked at the date on her driver’s license and realized she’s actually a 21-year-old woman and not a bitchy 7th grader, and she deleted that shit. But she still isn’t following Selena on Twitter, so you know that angry ho still means business! Meanwhile, Selena hasn’t noticed any of Demi’s shade, because she’s too busy making sure the little boy she’s babysitting hasn’t cut his Kool Aid Jammers with cough syrup.

I don’t want to sound like a Metamucil-guzzling oldie, but back in the day you handled your shit like a grown-ass woman. You didn’t snatch a wig on Twitter or Instagram; you snatched it in real life, in a crowded parking lot, while trying not to spill your Big Gulp. And that’s IF you have to resort to wig-snatching; the most successful bitch fight I’ve ever seen was between two stone-cold cunts who just sat there staring at each other. No words, just eyelids getting squintier and squintier until you got the message that these bitches were DONE!

Pics: Instagram, ONTD

Joey Gladstone Got Married

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Dave Coulier married photographer Melissa Bring in Paradise Valley, Montana yesterday and thanks to Bob Saget, Candace Cameron Bure, KIMMY GIBBLER and John Stamos showing up, it turned into a mini Full House reunion. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen didn’t go, because everyone knows that the Montana black bear is the sworn enemy of Enchanted Forest bridge trolls and they didn’t want to cause a scene. Besides, the caterers couldn’t fulfill the Trollsens’ dietary requirements of children’s hair, the first breath of a newborn and rabbit veins.

UsWeekly says that 51-year-old Dave Coulier married his 31-year-old girlfriend Melissa in front of the mountains in Montana and his Full House castmates and other guests watched her promise to him that she will love him, cherish him, speak eloquently, would have his baby, be an excellent mother and go down on him in a theater. Dave and Melissa have known each other for 9 years and they got engaged last month and blah blah blah blah blah. Who cares about all of that? The only thing that really matters is that KIMMY GIBBLER was there!

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You can’t tell by this picture, but DJ and Uncle Jesse have two bags of cotton balls shoved up their nostrils, because Kimmy Gibbler’s wearing hot party sandals and everyone knows that Kimmy Gibbler’s foot stank could kill several elephants. Even Quentin Tarantino wouldn’t get on those hooves. Actually, yes he would, because you know he really loves it when he can taste the dirty foot smell. Anyway, I don’t even know why my headline is “Joey Gladstone Got Married” when my headline should be “KIMMY GIBBLER WENT TO A WEDDING THE DAY BEFORE HER BIRTHDAY. That’s the only reason why Dave Coulier’s wedding got any press. I bet that when the ushers asked guests if they were there for the bride or groom, every single one of them said, “Who? I’m just here for Kimmy Gibbler!

Pics: Instagram, Instagram, Instagram

Surprise! Ryan Gosling And Rachel McAdams Hated Each Other On The Set Of “The Notebook”

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

I know this isn’t BREAKING NEWS!!1! for all of you die-hard The Notebook fans, because I’m pretty sure this story has maybe been told before, but for the rest of us who haven’t ever gone to Notebook-Con dressed as the rowboat, then this is new. In honor of the 10th anniversary of the movie that can make your sad aunt start bawling her eyes out just by spotting the DVD on the shelf, director Nick Cassavetes told VH1 about how Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams would have rather been forced to watch The Hot Chick and Breaker HighLudovico-style, than spend longer than 3 seconds with each other’s asses:

“Maybe I’m not supposed to tell this story, but they were really not getting along one day on set. Really not. And Ryan came to me, and there’s 150 people standing in this big scene, and he says, ‘Nick come here.’ And he’s doing a scene with Rachel and he says, ‘Would you take her out of here and bring in another actress to read off camera with me?’ I said, ‘What?’ He says, ‘I can’t. I can’t do it with her. I’m just not getting anything from this.’”

“We went into a room with a producer; they started screaming and yelling at each other. I walked out. At that point I was smoking cigarettes. I smoked a cigarette and everybody came out like, ‘All right let’s do this.’ And it got better after that, you know? They had it out… I think Ryan respected her for standing up for her character and Rachel was happy to get that out in the open. The rest of the film wasn’t smooth sailing, but it was smoother sailing.”

Who knew soft-spoken Canadian dreamboat Ryan Gosling could be such a diva bitch? Sure, Rachel McAdams took acting lessons at the lumber yard (bitch is wooden) but it’s The Notebook; it’s basically a Lifetime movie with enough cash in the budget for a craft services table. But I guess Ryan Gosling didn’t get the memo, because that difficult baby goose acted like they were filming the 1940′s prequel to Blue Valentine or some shit.

And you know that what Nick Cassavetes really wanted to say was: “Thank god those two trailered-up and got to hate-fucking, because old timey costumes don’t come cheap.” 

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Joe Killoran, a hot Canadian shirtless bear in hot 1970s track pants who smacked the crack buzz out of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford after the East York Canada Day Parade on Tuesday.

A fresh-out-of-rehab Rob Ford was hanging around after a parade in East York on Tuesday morning for whatever reason (crack, crack, he was sniffing for CRACK) when a high school teacher happened to be doing a little topless running nearby and decided to burn some extra calories by verbally punching that shit-grinning luau pig in a plastic lei. I don’t speak Canadian politics, but I think Hot Bear Joe is pissed that Rob Ford is still mayor even though he’s a corrupt, racist, homophobic mound of curdled fecal fat. Usually when I watch nature programs and see a hot bear attacking a greasy, crackheaded, brain-dead albino walrus, I feel a little sorry for the walrus, but not this time. This is glorious.

Hot Bear Joe keeps nailing into Rob Ford over and over again and Rob Ford just shuffles on by with a stupid smile on his face like, “Doop de doop de ignoring hot bear doop de doop.” This might be the only time in history that I wish I was Rob Ford, because I would’ve loved to get drilled by that hot topless running bear. Grill that bitch, hot running bear, grill him until there’s nothing more to grill.

Take note, cable news networks. This is how the public wants their political news delivered. They want it delivered by a sexy running bear with hairy nipples. And that reporter at the 40 second mark is all of us. I see her peeping at those hairy nipples and if I was her, I would’ve put my mic under those hairy nipples and asked them for their thoughts on Rob Ford.

via Queerty (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

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Birthday Sluts

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Andrea Barber (38)
Olivia Munn (34)
Ludivine Sagnier (35)
Patrick Wilson (41)
Julian Assange (43)
Audra McDonald (43)
Shawnee Smith (43)
Sandra Lee (48)
Connie Nielsen (49)
Yeardley Smith (50)
Tom Cruise (52)
Thomas Gibson (52)
Hunter Tylo (52)
Montel Williams (58)
Don Vito Margera (58)
Betty Buckley (67)
Gloria Allred (73)
Tom Stoppard (77)

Pic: Instagram

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Here’s The Mullet-Wearing Dude Who Had His 10-Inch Peen Enlarged

July 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Billy-Tom O’Connor’s dick situation was already Hammaconda-sized, but he wanted a monster peenzilla that would make jaws break and vaginas close up just by looking at it, so he went to a plastic surgeon and asked for a salchicha that can be seen from Google Earth. I know, a man with a gloriously exquisite mullet, two first names and a dick that can poke your bladder out when he sticks the tip in? That shivering sensation you’re feeling down below isn’t from your sex parts shaking over the thought of taking on Billy-Tom’s crotch monster, it’s the feeling of being in love with this adonis.

Billy Ray Cyrus’ Irish-Traveller cousin and his plastic surgeon were on the British talk show This Morning to talk about how he took his dick from a kielbasa to an entire Hillshire Farms factory. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon said that there’s two kinds of penoplasty surgeries. A dude can either make his dick longer or he can make it girthier. Since Billy-Tom’s peen is as naturally as long as a toddler’s (or Matthew McConaughey’s) arm, he went thicker. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon lipo’d out fat from other areas of his body and pumped it into his dick. Billy-Tom ended up with a loch ness monster of a peen that’s 10 inches long and 7 and a half inches wide. It’s as big as this can of hairspray.

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Billy-Tom’s got one of those multi-purpose dicks. So many uses! If somebody breaks in, just get Billy-Tom hard and then whack that thief in the head. If you and your friends want to play an impromptu game of baseball and you don’t have a bat, just use Billy-Tom’s dick. If a mongoose is in your kitchen and refuses to leave, just flash Billy-Tom’s dick at it, and that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi motherfucker will mistake it for a cobra on CGH (cobra growth hormones) and run away.

Billy-Tom does a little porn, but that’s not the reason why he Super-Sized his dick. Billy-Tom did it for him. And he said that some ladies throw holy water at it and run to the nearest church, but most love it.

“On two occasions I have got to the point where they’ve seen it and they’ve refused me…they just point blank said they’re not willing to go any further with that. But most other girls absolutely loved it.”

He went on to say, “Yeah, most of them died from death by impalement, but they loved it while they were on it!”

And since British morning television is so much better than American morning television, This Morning showed a picture of Billy-Tom’s peen in a sleeping state before and after he plumped it up. Click here to get a serving of that. And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but it’d probably hit me first.

Here’s Billy-Tom on This Morning. I hope this TV appearance leads to a producer setting up a Pay-Per-View wrestling match between The Hammaconda and Billy-Tom’s monster, because I need that in my life.

via Metro UK

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