Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

We can’t stop laughing over this one about a a certain young actor at a recent party.

Security guards confiscated everyone’s phones before they entered the VIP lounge at this recent music festival. It wasn’t just to preserve the privacy of the celebrities who were there. It was to keep guests from videotaping those who were openly doing drugs. In fact, witnesses watched one famous actor open up a capsule of molly and pour it into his mouth, chased by a drink. At first, the actor was incredibly upbeat and happy. However, after a while, he suddenly had an urge to do something else.

So our actor removed all his clothes. He folded them into a neat pile. Then he lay on the floor – completely naked – and began quietly petting and stroking the carpet.

He didn’t say anything. Just smiled. The people around him, who were all drinking and/or doing drugs, didn’t even blink. “Leave him alone,” they said. “He’s rolling.” (Blind Gossip)

Zac Efron? Make a mental note: If you’re ever going to do molly with Zac Efron, don’t shave or trim your pubes weeks beforehand so he has some luscious carpet to stroke while rolling. And that carpet was immediately pulled off of the floor and it’s being used to make a wig for John Travolta.

What B/C-list mostly movie actress and the textbook example of a beard has been interviewing wealthy men to become her next husband? Does her current “husband” know about this? (CDAN)

Kelly Preston? This better be a work of fiction, because if Kelly Preston and John Travolta’s beard kingdom crumbles, there’s no hope for any beards.

This B list actress is getting married to an A list athlete. She really wants to adopt a child. He thinks it is because she cares about children, but she told her friends she wants to be able to get child support if they divorce since the pre-nup is so strict. (CDAN)

Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade? She needs to take a quick class from Sherri Shepherd’s master gold digging ex.

Which star of an HBO show sent the ad out, looking for love in all the wrong places?

Looking for a dominant lady to kick me in the balls. I want you to totally own my balls with you feet. I have a high pain-tolerance. MAJOR PLUS if you know martial arts kick training. Private / discreet/ Safe!

GUESS WHO? (Naughty But Nice Rob)

Adam from Girls? But who ever this is should hook up with Kate Gosselin, because she’d kick ‘em, punch ‘em, rip ‘em out and feed ‘em to him.

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Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Goldberg Tag-Teamed S.E. Cupp During Her Audition For The View

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

The producers of The View held “chemistry tests” on the set of The Chew yesterday to find out which two women will be torn to shreds by Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi when that mess comes back in the fall. Apparently, at least 9 finalists got 15 minutes to talk (read: scream, fight and holler) with Rosie and Whoopi about current events during the Hot Topic segment that was taped in front of an audience. Everything went fine until conservative political commenter S. E. Cupp (I think I’ve worn one of those before) sat at the table and the subject of abortion came up. S.E. Cupp can now shit twice as fast, because Rosie O’Donnell chewed her a new asshole. (May that visual tuck you into your dreams tonight.)

Radar says that shit got real when Rosie, Whoopi, S.E. Cupp and another finalist Sunny Hostin were talking about the story of the Australian couple who wanted their Thai surrogate to abort one of their twins who has Down Syndrome.

“They were talking about the difficult decision families have to make. And S.E. said she thought it was ridiculous that abortion has become so easy. And Rosie and Whoopi pounced!” noted the source of what turned into a verbal melee.

“Rosie and Whoopi ganged up S.E. and just went after her. Rosie told her, ‘You’re just rattling off Republican talking points. That’s not what we need,’” recalled the source.

Rosie apparently screamed that she doesn’t want another Elisabeth Hasselcrack and kept dragging S.E. Cupp. S.E.Cupp said she was just giving her opinion, but Rosie kept on and on and asked her how old she was. The train wreck became an even bigger train wreck when Whoopi asked the audience if any of them ever had to decide whether to abort a fetus or not. That was the producer’s cue to end the segment.

TMZ says that afterward, Whoopi bitched to the producers about Barbara Walter’s old ass:

After the taping … Whoopi — in front of producers and several potential replacement hosts — said she’d been “working with a cranky 85-year-old woman who’s mad about everything for 2 years, and I need a break.”

According to Deadline, S.E. Cupp didn’t get the job. Nicolle Wallace, political commenter and the senior advisor for the McCain-Palin campaign (Sarah Paulson played her in Game Change), and October Gonzalez, wife of NFL player Tony Gonzalez, are the frontrunners and will most likely join the coop of pecking hens in the fall.

I think Deadline’s wrong. I bet S.E. Cupp gets a spot. While Rosie sunk her teeth into S.E. Cupp’s leg and Whoopi grabbed her hair and they started to tear her body apart, the producers called legal to tell them to draw up her contract and then they jacked off while thinking about all the ratings they’re going to get.

Okay, Does Anybody Believe That This Is Idris Elba’s Dick?

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: It’s a mic wire.

Finally, some news that really matters!

Gawker and TMZ posted these pictures of Idris Elba shooting a movie called “A Hundred Streets” in London today and they both fanned themselves and stuck a bottle of smelling salts in their nostrils over the bulge in his pants, which looks like a skinny baby’s arm (I do see an elbow) holding a magic wand. Idris Elba has the swagger of a dude whose got a dick so big that he can bust a cervix, but I don’t know. If it’s soft, then Idris Elba literally has a third leg dick and if you ever do a photo shoot with him, leave the tripod at home, because he’s always carrying one. If it’s soft, then it must have built-in suction cups and is clinging to his thigh, because it’s hanging so straight. It also kind of looks like his pool noodle dick and his crotch berries are not attached. That could be a mic cord in his pants or maybe he’s got an extra long tube of Mentos in his pocket.

Here’s a picture from the side and another picture where some of it disappears:

idrispeeeeeen2014

Because I’d like to think that I have a degree in bulge-watching from DEU (Dick Enthusiast University), I spent a giant piece (punned on purpose) of my day staring at Idris Elba’s crotch. I haven’t been this productive in days, weeks, months, years, decades!  It looks really long and skinny (the Taylor Swift of peens), so I’m going to say that it’s a mic cord or a crease or something. The only way we’ll really know for sure that Idris Elba has a garden hose dick is if it challenges The Hammaconda to a wrestling match. The Hammaconda has strength from the 3 baby goats it eats daily, but Idris Elba’s garden hose dick can wrap around it and strangle it until it turns blue and screams for its mommy.

And here’s more pictures for you dick detectives out there including pictures of Idris shooting a scene on a balcony with a shot gun. At least, I think that’s a shot gun, but it could be his dick.

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

Open Post: Hosted By Kaley Cuoco In A Flower Crown

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

If the commercial for Quaker Oatmeal Swirlers has taught me anything, it’s that the only way to dress up a boring bowl of oatmeal is to throw a bunch of shit on it, which is why Kaley Glencoco decided to leave her yoga class in Studio City last night wearing a giant mess of Hobby Lobby-looking fake flowers on her head. I know silk flowers are the definition of budget, but those flowers are jacked. That crown couldn’t have cost any more than $2.99, and that’s including the gas it took to drive to the store and back (I guess she’s getting paid that $90 million in instalments). But I will say this: I am very happy to see that the handmade wreath that hung on my crafty-ass neighbour’s front door in the Spring of 1993 didn’t end up buried in her basement under a damp one-eyed mop doll and a box full of busted sand candles.

And if you live in California and woke up to the toxic smell of burning plastic, it was just the result of Lana Del Rey, Vanessa Hudgens, the ghost of Frida Kahlo, Ozma from Oz, Princess Paw Paw, and every hipster who attended Coachella in the past 3 years meeting behind the parking lot of an Urban Outfitters and collectively setting fire to their floral headbands to mark the official death of the flower headband trend.

Pics: Splash

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Justin Theroux Will Put A Gun To Jennifer Aniston’s Head If She Messes With Her Face

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston has said many times before that she tried Botox once, but she’ll never do it again, because she thinks it makes you look older and if she froze her face with that Nicole Kidman nectar how would she squirt out lonely tears of sadness into a bowl of ice cream soup after her man left her? While talking about her line of hair products and other shit with Bobbi Brown for Yahoo! Beauty, Aniston once again spit on Botox and said that Justin Theroux would threaten to murder her if she got plastic surgery on her face. So Jennifer Aniston keeps her face as smooth as a Cabbage Patch Doll’s ass by cleansing it with Smart Water and moisturizing it with Aveeno, obviously.

On how she wants to lose 5 pounds and is a freak of disgusting nature who only eats delicious carbs on the weekends: “I usually give myself bread on the weekends, but really, my body doesn’t love carbs. These days, if I was being super picky, I would love to drop 5 pounds. That is just where I have always been really comfortable at about 110 to 113 pounds. But it is harder at this age.”

On how women (cough cough Courteney Cox) who fill their face full of Botox look a mess: “There is also this pressure in Hollywood to be ageless. I think what I have been witness to, is seeing women trying to stay ageless with what they are doing to themselves. I am grateful to learn from their mistakes, because I am not injecting shit into my face. No honestly, I see them and my heart breaks. I think, ‘Oh god if you only know how much older you look.’ They are trying to stop the clock and all you can see is an insecure person who won’t let themselves just age. I also have a fiancé; who will put a gun to my head if I touch my face in any way.”

On how she uses lights and shit on her face and wishes she could tell her friends (cough cough hack cough Courteney Cox cough cough) in her life to stop Wildensteining themselves: “There are also so many things that women can do today with technology in terms of LED light therapy, good lasers that tighten the muscles, and massages for your face—and don’t forget great creams. I think that’s the route to go. I also understand that age is kind of awesome. I am fortunate enough to know women like Gloria Steinem, who I think is one of the most stunning women on the planet, and doesn’t touch her face. Diane Keaton, Annette Bening, all of these fabulous fearless women who are flawless, they embrace it! You know, to each their own; I don’t judge it if you do it, but sometimes I wish I could beg the people I know, who I am very near and dear to, to not touch their face.”

Um, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that a bullet to the face would screw up Aniston’s face more than a Botox injection would.

Aniston’s crazy, though. Like Justin Theroux is really going to hold a gun to the sole reason why he lives in a multi-million dollar Bel Air mansion with a coop full of chickens that poot out eggs. Real eggs! But I wonder if Justin would be mad if Aniston had plastic surgery before she got with his ass. Because if so, it’s going to be really awkward when he finds out that her nose didn’t get thinner from her hot, miserable tears burning off her nose skin after Brad Pitt left her for that hussy whore skank slut.

Here’s Aniston at some clinic the other day. No, it wasn’t a plastic surgery clinic, Justin, so you can put down the gun and go back to dying your hair with black shoe polish.

Pics: FameFlynet

Chrissy Teigen Thinks That Cats Are The Devil’s Children

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Look at how dignified that dog is with its little crossed legs. That dog should teach classes at a canine finishing school. Hell, that dog should be the headmistress for the next season of VH1′s Charm School.

Sexy swimsuit chipmunk Chrissy Teigen admitted out loud what everyone who has ever found a shoe full of pussy piss has been thinking for years: that cats are the spawn of Satan. Chrissy told Esquire (via Celebitchy) that even though she likes cats, they’re still “the Devil’s children”, adding that she’s not sure why anyone would adopt one (aside from it being a very long drive to the SPCA in Hell):

“People love to say, ‘My cat is great. He’s just like a dog.’ I always think, Well, get a fucking dog!”

Excuse you, but Tara the dog-whoopin’ super tabby from Bakersfield would like a word with you, Chrissy (#notallpussies). I know what Chrissy is saying – that cats sort of have a reputation of being vindicating scratch-having troublemaking assholes. But clearly she’s never interacted with a member of the asshole dog community. Dogs can be demon spawn too! One time I saw a dog rub its dog balls on a baby’s carseat and, I swear to god, it looked like it was smiling. Then it scooted its butt across the carpet in what looked like the shape of a pentagram and placed a sacrificial Milk Bone in the centre. So yeah, it’s not just cats. I’m sure if I look hard enough, I could probably find a story about a canary chirping in Satanic backwards-talk.

And besides, the only evil pussies on Lucifer’s family tree are the Kardashians.

Omarion Must Be A Major Pokemon Fan

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Lil Kim really set the fucked-up celebrity baby names of 2014 bar high when she named her kid Royal Reign, but Omarion kicked the bar down and set it higher than Lolo Jones’ seat at the Beyonce-Jay-Z show. Omarion (that’s “that one kid from B2K” for those of you who remember B2K and “Never heard of him” to those of you don’t remember B2K) is now somebody’s father and he already proved that he should definitely be in charge of another human being by giving his son a name that “THE FUCK?” coughed up. Omarion (born name: Omari Ishmael Grandberry)  and his girlfriend, singer type Apryl Jones, are now parents to a little baby boy and yesterday he introduced his kid on Instagram and also let us know that he’s a major contender in the fucked-up celebrity baby name game.

World. Allow me to introduce. MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY. He is 7 pounds. 4oz & 20 inches long. My son I’ve been waiting on you. God is the realist!! I witnessed a miracle. My soul mate @aprylsjones is so strong! Not only did she have a un medicated birth (no drugs) she did it at home. Naturally. Just like my mom had me. I love you. thank you for having my legacy. I’ll forever belong to you & you will forever be tied to me. Creating a child takes no love or skill but being a parent requires lots of both. Thanks for watching me grow. #MEGAAhome #OmarionsonMEGAA #donthateonmysonsnameillkillya #Nolol #royalObloodline #blasain #mysongotgoodhair #freshpitthewombhandsom alright. I love y’all

Apryl might’ve had an all-natural, drug-free birth, but I have a feeling that she and Omorion (typo and it ain’t moving) dropped acid before writing their baby’s name on the birth certificate. I mean:

MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY????? MEGAA with two As.

Here are 4 things that should be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:

1. A berry in the Pokemon universe that restores 30 HP, but will also give your Pokemon a serious case of the sugar shakes and a migraine. Your Pokemon may or may not combust after eating this berry.

2. A canned protein shake that Whole Foods sells for $19.99 and is later pulled off of the shelves after the FDA finds out that it contains a chemical that causes heart palpitations and diarrhea.

3. A Harry Potter spell that turns regular water into Vitamin Water.

4. A cereal from the 80s that your parents thought was healthy but later found out that each serving has 30 grams of sugar in it. MegaMan was the face of that cereal.

And here is 1 thing that shouldn’t be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:

1. A human baby who will one day realize that his parents named him Megaa Omari Grandberry.

via Rap-Up 

Megan Fox Says That Shia LaBeouf Is “Brilliant”

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Holy shit, remember when Shia LaBeouf didn’t look like a human dirty needle? And remember when Megan Fox…uh…well, Megan Fox still looks the same. Thanks to some high-grade injectable silicone and monthly tune-ups at the Real Doll factory, Megan Fox will look like Megan Fox till she’s 99 years old, at which point she’ll be sent back to the Real Doll head office and used as a merchandise example for potential investors (“Notice how the rubber in her cheeks are just as plump and supple as they were back in 2014? That’s the Real Doll difference.”)

During an interview with the NY Daily News to promote those awful snot-green CGI nightmares, Megan Fox was asked about her former Transformers co-star Shia LaBeouf, particularly if she’s worried about him. Obviously not that weird of a question, considering his resume now includes the words ‘jeggings-wearing wanker who gets kicked out of Broadway musicals for being a drunk fucking mess’. But Megan says we shouldn’t be concerned about Shia’s alter ego, Shit LaDouche, because the Shia she knows is a “brilliant” kid:

“I’m not worried about Shia. I love my Shia. He’s perfectly fine. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years, but I don’t worry about him. He’s a brilliant kid, talented and funny. There’s no reason to worry.”

Megan seems like one of those namaste/Live-Love-Laugh-type girls who choose to only remember the good times, because her brain has systematically pushed all the bad shit out. I’m sure if she went back and re-read the diary she kept during the filming of Transformers, she’d find hundreds of entries that start with: “Dear Diary, Shia pissed on the side of my trailer again and said it was some kind of modern art thing.”

And I know it was nice of her to say something nice, but an endorsement of Shia LaBeouf from Megan Fox is sort of like the equivalent of a male strip club getting a Yelp review from a tequila-buzzed bachelorette party. ”OMG, Kade was like, the nicest dude. He’s, like, a genuine guy. His balls smelled like vanilla. 5 stars.”

Barbra Streisand’s Inaugural Instagram Portrait Is A Technological Wonder

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Barbra Streisand popped her Instagram cherry the other day by posting this casual picture of her being casual in her casual backyard with her casual dog Samantha. I don’t even think Barbra knows that the camera is there! It’s that candid. That isn’t backlighting. That’s God smiling behind her.

Barbra is so generous to share this intimate moment with her fans. When 72-year-old Barbra isn’t raising the worldwide cholesterol levels with her buttery voice, she spontaneously lounges on a lounge chair right after workers from Madame Tussauds slather gallons of wax all over her mug, a mortician sprays her down with thermogenic makeup, three stylists dress her up like a powerful pilgrim business woman, Ken Paves tends to her bitch’s hair and a choreographer arranges her in the perfect pose. And while Barbra casually lounges, team of graphic artists stretch their fingers on the sidelines as they prepare themselves for all the retouch work they’re about to do. So casual, so “laissez-faire” as Samantha would say if she could speak human words out loud, because that fancy bitch definitely speaks French.

Or maybe that’s not Barbra Streisand at all…. Maybe Barbra’s Instagram team got confused and accidentally posted a still of Jennifer Aniston as Reverend Henry Kane in a reboot of Poltergeist 2. It’s hard to tell. Whatever the case may be, I hope this is the only picture that Barbra Instagrams, because nothing can top it.

And in other Barbra news, The National Enquirer says that Barbra’s marriage to James Brolin is “on the rocks” after she caught him eye-fucking the whore of all whores at some party. Radar put it like this:

Barbra Streisand is furious with husband James Brolin for keeping up with Kim Kardashian. RadarOnline.com has learned that Babs accused her man of ogling the reality star during a recent event — and it’s causing a marriage crisis!

According to the new issue of The National ENQUIRER, Streisand “hit the roof” when she found out that Brolin leered at none other than “boob-licious” Kardashian at an A-list party.

James Brolin wasn’t “ogling.” James was staring, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of that slow-moving train wreck while telling himself that he’s so lucky to be married to an all-natural blossom like Barbra.

Here’s a few pictures of Barbra leaving a Memorial Day party in May. You know, I’m pretty sure that the stunning Instagram picture above is Barbra in her natural state and these pictures below were highly Photoshopped. Barbra obviously asked the photo agency to Photoshop her until she looked human so the public wouldn’t be threatened by her alien-like beauty.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

George Clooney Has Invited Anna Wintour To His Wedding, Which Means It Will Probably Be Featured In Vogue

August 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Raise your hand if you just pictured a stoned Brad Pitt with pieces of wedding cake mashed into his beard elbowing a feminine-looking Montgomery Burns out of the better spot to catch the bouquet. Just me? Okay then.

According to Page Six, Anna Wintour will be a guest at the wedding between fancy human rights lawyer-type Amal Alamuddin and the nipple suit-wearing Batman George Clooney in Italy next month. A source claims that Anna got an invite because she hooked up Amal with a custom gown by Anna’s close friend Oscar de la Renta, and that she plans to feature the wedding in an upcoming issue of Vogue. Oooooh! Sounds like someone is desperately trying to crawl back out of the shame pit she threw herself in when she put the Cheap & Tacky Twins on the cover back in April. Too bad, Kaa from The Jungle Book, but the internet NEVER FORGETS.

The source also says that Anna will 100% be there to watch George and Amal cut the cake and drunk dance to YMCA while an obnoxious Craigslist DJ named MC Sweet Jamz screams into a mic “COME ON GRANDMA RUTH, GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!” (I wish – that’s more like the wedding of George Clooney and Sarah Larson) even though the wedding will take place in the middle of all the fancy European fashion shows. That’s how committed she is to making it up to him for the time she put George on the June 2000 cover with Gisele Bundchen looking like a cheesy prom photo from Mermaid High.

And speaking of Sarah Larson…do you think if George wasn’t marrying such a posh lady, he’d still get a spread in Vogue? You’re right, of course he wouldn’t; the pages of Vogue wouldn’t be able to handle all the refined taste and class that comes from a photo shot by Annie Leibovitz of that hot skanky mess Elisabetta Canalis in a white lace bridal bikini, trying to remove her own garter with her teeth.

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